*I sit down on the soft grass as I place the red roses over her. *
She taught me how to love life, how to live it.
"I love you Marie," I told her in a shaky voice, afraid that she wouldn't return my love. I held a single long stemmed rose in my trembling hand as I sat next to her on her bed. She had looked up at me with moist eyes and I had known. She did not have to say it out aloud. I could already hear her voice screaming in my ears. But as a confirmation she took the rose from me and said softly, "I love you too Logan..."
I kissed her deep and this time it was her turn to shiver in response. She had learned to control her mutation long back, but mutation or not I would have kissed her anyway. I was never afraid of her skin.
*I move my hand over the cold, hard stone – a sharp contrast to her warm and soft skin. *
Everything was just wonderful. Marie had moved in with me into my room. There was nothing more I wanted from life... well nothing except marry her. I had realized that this was home; she was my family, my world and my other half. I was incomplete without her. I 'am' incomplete without her.
So I took Ororo and went into the city to get the ring. I spent almost an entire day out there till finally Ororo dragged me into the last jewelry store where I found the perfect piece. When we returned to the mansion something didn't feel right. Jean was trying to avoid me. There was something she wasn't telling me. I decided that I would talk to her later. Right then I needed to see Marie. I went upstairs to our room where I found her sitting at the window. I walked over to her and gave her a light kiss. My heart was literally thumping against my chest.
"How're you feeling?" I asked her. She hadn't been feeling well for the past few days. She was going to see Jean that morning but I had left just before that.
"I'm all right. Everything went fine?" I had told her that Ororo and I were going for some work of Charles.
"Oh yeah. Everything went perfectly well."
"Marie..." My mouth had gone dry and my hands were sweating. She looked at me and my knees gave away. Kneeling down in front of her I pulled out the small box and held it open for her.
"Will you marry me?"
She looked at me with that look in her eyes for what seemed like an eternity. And then she said, "No." I thought I had heard it wrong. She had said it so easily. It was as if she had been expecting it all the while.
"What?" I was still too shocked.
"I said `no' Logan. I can't marry you."
"Why not?" I stood up, the box still open in my hands.
"Because...I'm not ready for marriage. I'm too young for that. And moreover, I don't want to get married. Not now." The coldness in her voice made me want to shake her. I couldn't believe that the woman in front of me was really Marie. What had gone wrong?
"You love me Marie, don't you?"
"Love," she sighed. "Logan, what we share is just a connection. Nothing more. You saved me, risked your life for me and I thought that I was in love with you. I was wrong. I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings Logan, but I've realized that I don't love you. Not in that way. You and I are just friends Logan."
"What's wrong with you Marie? Are you really my Marie?" I grabbed her arm and pulled her up.
"Let go of me Logan." She pulled her arm away out of my grasp. "I know this is difficult for you to believe but please believe it. I DO NOT LOVE YOU. If we go on, the way we have for the past few months, we will only end up hurting each other." What was happening?
"Is this some kind of a sick joke? What do you think of yourself Marie?" She looked away.
I wanted to break something so bad! My hands were itching.
"I'm really sorry Logan," she whispered. "I know it shouldn't have happened this way."
I looked at her, really looked at her. And what I saw shocked me. There was a emptiness in her eyes that had never been there before. Maybe she was right. Maybe I'd been wrong all this while. Maybe she didn't love me... she never had. God it hurt!!
"Fine! You don't love me? FINE!" I walked over to the window and looked outside at the dark sky. "Fine!" I uttered again. I wanted to look at anything else but her. My eyes were burning. For the first time in my goddamned life I could feel tears form in my eyes.
"I'll talk to the professor so that I can move back to my old room." She told me.
"Fine." It was all I could get out of my mouth as I blinked away the tears.
"Logan...there's one more thing."
"What?" I did not turn around to look at her.
"I know I've already caused you enough pain. I don't want to hurt you anymore." I felt like laughing out loud. Oh really? She knew what she had done to me? "So promise me that you won't use your healing ability on me. You won't touch me when I can't control my skin." I turned around sharply at those words.
"Do you hate me Marie?" I asked her.
"No." She shook her head. "I could never hate you Logan. I do love you, but just as a friend."
I stepped closer to her and pulling her to me I kissed her harsh and deep, enough to cause her at least a tenth of the pain that I was suffering. Finally when I moved back I whispered into her ear, "I promise." She nodded and left silently.
Somehow the kiss had lessened my anger but not the pain. I packed all my stuff and before Marie could come back to collect her things, I left. I couldn't stay there. Not anymore. Not after she had told me that she did not love me. I needed to get away. I had to find an outlet for the pain that I was feeling. So I ran. I ran as far as I could. On my way the professor contacted me and tried to stop me telling me that I was making a mistake. But I ignored him and he finally left me in peace.
*I look again at the red roses I brought for her. RED—the color's so romantic. But sometimes it can be so horrifying… *
Red. Everything was red - her dress, her hands, and the floor around her. That was how I found her in my room, once our room, when I returned to the mansion four months later after finally realizing that I couldn't stay away from her and would always love her whether or not she loved me. Red. Blood. Marie was bleeding. Her nose was leaking blood like some freaking tap. It was so bad that by the time I reached the lab with her in my arms, my shirt was soaking wet in her blood.
She looked so pale, her skin whiter than usual and she had grown so thin. Jean and Hank took her away keeping me outside with Scott and Ororo. I knew I couldn't stay out for long. As I sat outside, Ororo told me everything. For a moment there my mind went blank. Had I heard it right?
"What?" I asked her.
Ororo repeated the words. "Rogue has cancer. She is dying. Jean tried everything but nothing worked. I'm so sorry Logan."
As the words registered in my mind, the pieces finally fit together. Marie had come to know about the cancer the day I was going to propose to her. That's why she had refused. That's why she had said that she did not love me. She didn't want me to hurt myself trying to heal her. That's why she had made me promise that I would not use my healing ability to help her. And the fucking idiot that I am, I promised. She also knew that after she told me that she did not love me, I would not stay and I didn't. Stupid jackass. Oh god! I should've guessed back then that something was wrong. I had to touch her, to hell with the promise. Marie's life mattered more than a stupid little promise.
"But I can help cure her. I can touch her," I told Ororo as I stood up.
"No you can't. Rogue..."
But before she could finish, I was already inside the lab. Hank and Jean turned around when the door behind me closed.
"Logan!" Jean came towards me intending to send me out again, "You're not supposed to be in here."
"Out of my way Jean." I pushed past her and approached Marie's bed, where she still lay unconscious. I leaned down and kissed her on her lips. I waited but the pull never came. That's what confused me. I knew that Marie couldn't control her skin under such circumstances. I looked up at Jean.
"What's wrong Jean? Why isn't her skin reacting? I know she can't control her skin when she's hurt."
Jean looked at Hank and back at me but did not say anything. Hank injected something into Marie's arm. That's when I noticed it. He wasn't wearing any gloves. I looked at Jean's hands. She too wasn't wearing gloves. Now I was really confused.
"What's going on? Why aren't you two wearing any gloves?"
"We don't need to," said Jean. "Not anymore."
That didn't make things clear and Jean must've guessed it coz she continued, "Marie no longer has her mutation. The cancer must've affected it in some way. I don't know. I'm still trying to figure that out. But Marie's skin is safe now."
Marie had always wanted to be completely free of her mutation. I knew that. But this was not the way. Her mutation had disappeared when she had needed it the most, when I had wanted her to have it so that I could help cure her. Why? Why Marie? Why did it have to happen to her? Hadn't she had enough pain to last for a lifetime? Why did it have to happen to the one woman I loved more than my life. I was ready to give my life for her but I couldn't. Life sucked.
I looked at Marie once more before running out, running to wherever my legs would take me. When I finally stopped I found myself on the small terrace on the third floor --- our favorite place where we had shared most of our intimate moments. I sat down on the bench, the same bench on which, the day I returned from the Alkali Lake, Marie and I had sat cuddled up in a blanket, silent and enjoying each other's company till we finally fell asleep. But now I sat there alone reliving those memories and the tears finally fell.
~Logan, Rogue is awake. You can see her now. ~ Jean's voice in my head woke me up. I looked around. It was dark. I had fallen asleep right there on the bench.
Before going to the med lab I changed my shirt and discarded the bloodstained one.
Marie seemed surprised to see me. It was obvious. After all she had been unconscious when I had carried her from the room down to the med lab and it seems Jean hadn't told her anything about my arrival.
"Logan?" she spoke in a voice barely above a whisper.
"Yeah. Remember me?" I saw pain in her eyes when she heard that and I immediately wished I could take my words back. "How're you feeling now?"
"Fine." `Fine', I hated that word. It reminded me of that day when I had repeated it over and over. "I'm sorry Logan. I didn't..."
The door opened and Jean stepped in. She came and checked Marie.
"Jean, I want to go back to my room."
"I knew it!" Jean sighed. "Alright. I knew you'd want to go back to your room. I've already got your room cleaned up. But I won't let you stay alone. I'll..."
"I'll stay with her," I told Jean as I stepped closer to the bed.
"Logan, you've just come back," Jean spoke.
"I said I'll stay with her." I gave both Jean and Marie that look which clearly meant that I did not want any argument over that. There were no further protests.
*`I love you Marie... I miss you...'I whisper into the cold winter breeze. And I can feel her voice telling me the same. *
I had carried Marie up to the room and had got her settled into the bed. I was seated in a chair at the window trying to think of something that would save Marie but couldn't come up with anything. Marie was dying and I was helpless.
"Logan? You still mad at me?"
"Do I have the right to?" My heart was aching. There was an emptiness there that I had never felt before.
"I'm sorry Logan. I had no choice at that time."
"So you decided to just pull my heart out, stamp on it over and over and kick me out of your life?" I got up and sat next to her on the bed. "Do you have any idea Marie, what I've been through within these past few hours? You could've at least told me. I had the right to know." The pain in my heart grew.
"I love you Logan. And I knew the news would devastate you." Tears rolled down her cheeks.
"You loved me so much that you decided to keep all the pain to yourself? Four months! Damn it Marie! I've lost four precious months. I want them back. I want you back. I love you." I too couldn't control the tears any longer. I pulled Marie into my arms and held her tight.
"I love you Logan. I love you so much." The tears flowed freely as her warmth flowed into me, calming my heart for the moment. I took in her smell. I moved back and wiped away her tears as she wiped away mine and let her hand linger against my face a bit longer. I closed my eyes and took in the feel of her soft hand when the truth hit me. One day these touches, the kisses that we shared, her smell, her laughter, her warmth that always comforted me, her honey sweet voice were all going to be just memories. And I was going to be alone with them. Alone... without Marie. How was I going to live without her? The bitter truth was that I'd have to. I had no choice. My mutation would not let me die even if I wanted to. I had tried killing myself a number of times before I met Marie, but I always survived.
I pulled her back into my arms and told her, "Marie, there are so many things that I want to tell you, that I want to do."
"What?" she mumbled into my shirt.
"I want to make you smile the way you used to just for me. I want to give you all the happiness you ever wished for. I want to make love to you in a way I've never done before." I could feel her smile at that. "I want to tell you how much I love you and I want to keep telling you that each and every day. I want to wake up every morning with you cuddled up in my arms. God...I want to marry you Marie."
Marie moved back and looked up at me. "Logan no." She shook her head.
"No Marie. This time I won't listen. You love me and I love you. That's all I know. That's all that I want to know. So save your excuses cause I'm not gonna listen to any of them."
She did not say anything and I knew she was still thinking about the whole marriage thing. I got up and went to the chair where I had kept my backpack. Removing the ring that I had bought four months back, I returned to my place on the bed. Taking her hand in mine I said, "You know Marie, before I met you I had no life. I had no idea about my past, my present was being wasted fighting in bars, drinking, eating and sleeping and my future was a blur. But then you came into my life and everything changed. And that night, on the statue of Liberty, I realized how much you mean to me. You made me human." I turned her face to look at me. "Isn't that enough for you to say `yes'?"
She did not answer. She simply moved closer and kissed me. I smiled through the kiss as I realized her answer.
"Can we say our `I do's ` right now?" she smiled. There. That was the smile that I always wanted to see on her face.
I laughed and turned the ring between my fingers in front of her face. "I don't think the people here would like that to happen without them being present." With that I put the ring onto her finger and asked, "Do you want to go and tell everyone about our engagement right now?"
"Umm... no. I first want to celebrate it with you." She put her arms around my neck and pulled me closer, her smile becoming wider.
"And how do you wanna celebrate it?" I asked her putting my arms around her waist and pulling her onto my lap. My breathing was becoming ragged and my heart was beating faster.
"Lemme show you," she whispered into my ear in that ever so sexy drawl of hers and followed it with a trail of kisses from my ear to my throat.
"Marie..." was all I managed to say as I closed my eyes and my lips finally found hers.
We got married two weeks after that. Everyone at the mansion had helped make the arrangements. It was simply wonderful. Marie had looked so beautiful. I still remember each and every detail about the way she looked that day. During the party Scott had told me that it looked just like a fairytale wedding. `Yeah', I said to myself. But there was one big difference. Marie and I both knew that our fairytale was not going to have a happy ending. Till then I was going to do everything possible to keep my wife happy.
* I move my fingers over her name engraved in the headstone. `Mrs. Marie Logan'. 'Happy wedding anniversary Marie'*
Marie died five months after our wedding. For the others she might be dead but for me she's still alive. I can feel her presence when I'm thinking about her. And I know that one day we will be together, forever, with nothing to come in between us.
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