Logan knew he was being watched. Even with his eyes closed, he knew the feeling that came with being studied, scrutinized closely. He slowly opened his lids to find a small face with a pair of hazel eyes only inches from his.
“Can I help ya with somethin’ kid?”
Charles didn’t jump in surprise, didn’t even flinch.
“Mornin’ mis - I mean, Logan. Are you still sleepin’? I’m hungry. Are you hungry? Can we eat?”
Logan found himself smiling at the boy’s eager response and wondered when he’d last smiled first thing in the morning. His gaze automatically wandered over to where Marie was sleeping.
“You’re up kinda early…but yeah, I can always eat. What about your mom, think she’s hungry?”
Charles eyed him curiously and Logan sat up, not quite comfortable with being the center of so much attention. Charles’ gaze swept over his mother.
“I guess so. She’s still sleepin’ though. She snores sometimes,” he informed Logan.
“Yeah, I remember - like a buzz saw,” he caught the slip as soon as the words came out. He tried to see if it registered in Charles’ eyes, but if it did, he didn’t let on. In the next moment, the child climbed up on the bed to sit beside Logan.
“Where are we goin’ for breakfast?” he insisted.
Logan slid over a little to accommodate the boy and tried his best to act like this was an every day occurrence, father and son sitting in bed just having a morning chat. How was he ever going to go about telling the kid “by the way, I’m your dad”? Did Marie even want him confessing anything at this point? It wasn’t really her place to make that call…but in a way, it was. She couldn’t stop him, but he really wanted them to agree on handling that kind of stuff.
He didn’t have a clue about how to even start that conversation. Without her help in guiding him through what was sure to be a lengthy and emotional discussion, he had to admit he’d be lost. Logan rubbed his face with both hands, feeling the beginnings of a headache – and he never got headaches. He noticed Charles, still looking at him expectantly, and remembered they’d really only been discussing breakfast.
“We can get something downstairs,” he answered.
Logan told himself to pull his shit together. They’d get to any major emotional crossroads when they got there. Worrying about the questions, having the right answers, and the fall out that may come with it wasn’t going to do him any good; and besides, it wasn’t like him to be anxious. He shook it off and looked back down at Charles.
“Is that alright with you kid – hotel continental special?”
Charles nodded at him happily.
“Yeah. I can wear Spiderman pajamas down there? Momma always picks out what I’m gonna wear and I don’t ever get to pick.”
Logan, once again, had stumbled into uncharted territory. “Uh, yeah sure. Whatever is fine…I guess. Just, uh, don’t tell your Mother.”
“I can hear y’all talking about me,” Marie murmured in a sleepy voice. “Yes, we’ll all go to breakfast; no, you can’t wear your pajamas…and I do not snore like a buzz saw.” She cut her eyes over her shoulder at the two of them, striving for the evil eye, but ending up somewhere closer to squinty.
She stretched with a yawn, and threw her legs over the side of the bed.
“Come on young man, the quicker you dress, the quicker you get breakfast.”
Charles begrudgingly climbed from the bed and took the clothes his mother handed him. He was doing a fine job of dressing himself when Logan climbed out of bed and took a long stretch, realizing too late that he remained completely naked. Both mother and son flashed him a startled look.
“Fuck!” Logan grimaced at his choice of words and jerked on the blanket edge to partially cover himself. “Shit…sorry,” he added awkwardly.
Marie bit her lip to keep from laughing, but a smile still reached her eyes.
“It’s okay…really…and um, Charlie’s heard worse language from me. Unfortunately.”
“Whoa! Momma – did you see…”
“Let’s go Charlie,” she interrupted firmly, guiding him into the bathroom. “We’ll give Logan some privacy.”
Logan tossed the blanket aside and roughly pulled on his jeans, shaking his head. “Nice move slick! Flash the kid - then cuss like a sailor. Great influence.”
He knocked on the bathroom door to let them know he was decent and that he wanted to catch a shower before breakfast.
While Logan cleaned up, Marie finished getting herself and Charles ready. While she pulled on her shoes, her mind wandered. She’d overheard every bit of Charles and Logan’s early morning conversation, and felt each awkward silence. This was new ground for Logan and he wasn’t sure how to act or what to say. She should probably tell him just to be himself and say what he felt, but that could be dangerous. She’d never lied to her son about anything, just sort of kept the truth hidden…or vague. Charles needed to know the whole truth about his parents now, but hell if she knew how to start that conversation. Maybe together, she and Logan could fumble through it.
Logan…
Marie shook her head. There was so much water under that bridge; there were times she thought she’d drown in it. He had to be angry about her keeping their son from him; just like she’d been angry about being abandoned, but somehow, they were getting along. Maybe they’d formed some kind of truce since they had a common goal. She was truly glad that he was here, even if she didn’t want to give the reasons why too much thought.
Seeing him this morning had conjured images that she wasn’t ready for. At one time, she’d loved him with all her heart and that had involved more than her share of lust. He’d always returned the lust and then some, but the love…that he’d never really given. Sure, he’d cared about her, taken care of her, and had been a passionate lover, but it didn’t come close to what she felt. Looking at him now, it would be easy to allow the physical craving to return, but it wasn’t wise. For her, with him, it had always been a two fold attraction. She couldn’t indulge in lust without love, so she couldn’t give in to either. Still, the visual gift of a nude Logan first thing in the morning was not something to go unappreciated.
“Momma, why are you smiling?” Charles forced her to douse her salacious thoughts quickly.
“No reason, honey. You ready?”
******
After Logan came out of the shower, clean and dressed, the three of them went down for breakfast and checked out of the hotel. They made their planned stops at the bank branches and withdrew as much as they could out of the ATM, avoiding the inside and any cameras. They made another stop in town for a few extra supplies, some clothes, and cigars for Logan, which he was told in no uncertain terms he could not smoke in the car.
Instead, he settled for a quick puff before getting back on the road. He took the wheel for the first leg of the drive, and asked about a destination – more specifically.
“There’s a safe house, it’s in Colorado…the connections that the Professor had…they helped me have something set up, you know, for when this day came. We should be able to get there in a couple of days.”
Logan’s brow creased in contemplation.
“You know…it’s likely that this location was leaked. If your home address was leaked, what makes you think this safe house is – safe? You’d be better off with a plan B.”
“Well, we’ll just have to check it out first and see,” Marie answered, rolling her eyes and hating to be second guessed.
“I’m just trying to be helpful here,” Logan said, feeling her tension.
“What choice do we have? Huh? I mean, where else are we gonna go?” She’d raised her voice without realizing.
“Why are you getting so defensive?” Logan’s voice bumped up a notch too.
“Why are y’all fighting?” a quiet voice said from the back seat.
“We’re not fighting, Charlie. It’s okay,” she reassured him, then cut her eyes at Logan.
“I don’t have a plan B,” she added curtly, knowing where the conversation was headed.
“Well I do. I have a place we can go.” He added in a hushed voice, “You know that. You’re the only person that knows that.”
Marie hugged her elbows and looked out the window at the passing landscape.
“I don’t want to go back there,” she eventually said.
Logan felt a prick against his heart. He knew the memories she recalled and didn’t want those memories to hurt her. They were happier times, simple days filled with being outdoors, trying to cook over an open fire, and even attempting to teach Marie how to fish. Relaxed nights warmed by a fire, heated by each others’ touch. It had just been a quiet getaway, but over the years it had turned into so much more for him. It became the place he went to in his mind when things got too dark to stand. Now, the prospect of returning there kindled something resembling hope.
“We can survive there. That’s the important thing,” he offered imploringly. “I could take care of you and Charles and…hell; I might even be able to make some kind of living there. I could support us at least for as long as we need to stay. That way we don’t have to live off our savings, and…”
“What are you talking about?” she stopped him, her words coming out cold, but with a note that suggested she wasn’t entirely convinced of what she was saying. “Support us? Take care of us?” She shook her head in disbelief. “We’re not trying to be a burden, Logan. And it’s not like we’re a family that’s just moving to a new town.” She glanced back at her son and lowered her voice. “You’re not responsible for supporting me and Charles. There is no ‘us’. I’m grateful that you are here, really I am, but that’s about safety. Nothing else.”
“I don’t expect you to…to…,” the right words failed her.
Logan gripped the wheel, trying to maintain his calm. Of course she didn’t expect him to feel responsible. What had he ever done to show he’d accept the responsibility of family? Or that he might even want it? He’d never wanted it. Family and love and everything that came with it didn’t fit his life. He could protect someone, defend someone, and he could try to please someone and even be a selfless lover … but take on the commitment and the soul-baring burden of a family? It wasn’t for him. At least it never had been. That hadn’t changed – had it? But something had changed in the last couple of days. Maybe he couldn’t pinpoint exactly what, but he’d started thinking in terms of ‘we’ and not ‘me’.
“I think we’ll be safer heading to my place,” he argued, realizing reasonable safety measures would be the most persuasive. “If information from the school has been leaked, then it’s likely that Chuck’s associates and their hide outs have too. They could be waiting for you at every safe house from here to San Francisco.”
“You’re not making me feel better,” she snapped at him.
“There’s no record of my place…anywhere. Except here,” he tapped his head, “and here.” He put a finger to her temple.
Marie was quiet as she thought through his argument. It was highly likely that if they went on to Colorado, more soldiers in black could be waiting for them. She didn’t like the idea of going back to that cabin with Logan, but she liked the idea of being ambushed even less. Logan’s place had been filled with genuine feelings of joy and contentment, but with it came heartbreak. She’d been a silly girl in love when she was there. Naively, she’d thought that with time and perseverance, one day Logan would see what they had. During their time alone together, she’d thought it was the most obvious. The cabin represented how she had hoped in vain. Safety, however, would be a sure thing there. She’d have to set aside her own feelings for what was best for Charles.
“We’ll go to the cabin,” she decided and tried to blink away any water swelling in her eyes.
“Why are you crying Momma?” a voice spoke up again from the back.
Logan’s head whipped around as Marie shook her head adamantly.
"I’m not crying sweetie.”
“Yes you are. You smell like it,” Charles insisted.
The car fell quiet as she gave Logan a knowing glance, then focused on the road in front of them. "It's okay, Charlie. I'm fine...promise."
Logan found himself staring at her as she looked dead ahead. He wanted to get a read on her, a sign, something. He knew if he looked at her long enough, something would give; there’d be a crack in her armor somewhere and he would know what she was thinking.
“You’re going to run us off the road if you don’t pay attention Logan.”
He jerked the SUV back into the lane, cursing his choice to drive.
*****
The next several hours of the journey were spent in relative silence. Logan adjusted their route to head northwest and Marie sat in tense silence until she finally nodded off.
When the pangs of lunchtime hunger could no longer be ignored, they stopped in one of the blur of towns just off the interstate, somewhere in western Missouri. They were pulling into a fast food drive-in when Charles spotted a small park across the street.
“A playground! I wanna swing!” he shouted, bouncing in his seat.
He’d been the picture of a perfect traveling child during the journey, so after grabbing their meals to go, they parked next to the playground and let Charles burn off some energy. He bolted from the swings as soon as a group of children descended on the see-saws.
Marie moved from their picnic table to the swings to keep a better eye on him as he bobbed up and down, opposite a little blonde headed girl.
“They’re so eager to play with him…to think one day they might fear and hate him,” she pondered out loud.
Logan moved to take the swing beside her, “Maybe - maybe not. Some of them could be mutants too.”
Marie nodded and pushed back with her feet, slowly swinging back and forth. He watched her move in and out of his peripheral vision. There…gone…there…gone. Gone. It had weighed on his mind since they’re conversation in the car. While Marie was too preoccupied to stop him before he got started, Logan turned in his swing.
“I’ve done a lot of shit in my life that I’m not particularly proud of, but my biggest regret is probably how I handled things with me and you. I just wanted you to know that.”
Marie’s feet missed the ground for push off and her swinging slowed. She didn’t interrupt, but she didn’t look at him either.
“I know you're not asking me to take care of you and Charles, not in that kinda way at least…but…I’m saying I wouldn’t mind it. I’m offering … I mean - I want to help if you’ll let me. And I want him to know about me, who I am, who he is … he should know.”
Marie stilled and remained silent.
“I’m not the same man I was five years ago,” Logan said with conviction.
“And I’m not that same girl either,” she replied, still watching her son.
“He needs to know who his father is. I’ve already missed out on a lot, shit I can’t get back. I never thought I would, but I – I want to be around for stuff … at least some of the stuff. I don’t want to miss out on everything. I have to protect him, he’s my kid; you know I’ve got to protect him.”
Marie nodded, “Yeah, I know…and you’ll protect him better than anyone. I know that. I’ve thought about it too…I want him to know who you are. He’s so sharp, though, I wonder if he doesn’t already have an idea. You’re his father, Logan, and you deserve to be a part of his life…”
He cut her off with a derisive laugh. “I don’t deserve jack shit, Marie and you know it. But I’m a selfish bastard and I want it anyway.”
Marie finally looked at him and exhaled on a small laugh.
“Well you should be a part of it. I didn’t try to…I never wanted you not to be a part of his life.”
Logan scuffed a boot through the dirt that was ditched out underneath his swing. Leaning forward, he impulsively grabbed the chains of Marie’s swing, turning her towards him.
“I don’t want to be a part of just *his* life,” he said, making a point of looking directly into her eyes.
Marie, her eyes starting to dart about like a nervous deer, used her feet as leverage against the ground to push away. “I…I don’t know, Logan.”
His grip on the links was strong and held her in place. “Hey-hang on. Don’t go freakin’ out on me, okay? I’m not pressuring you for – it’s not like that. I just want to be a part of my kid’s life and in the meantime, I’d like for you not to shut me out completely.”
“I haven’t shut you out,” her tone turned defensive. “Just last night I confided in you and let you…”
“I know, I know…but I wanna say it. Officially.”
Logan stole a quick look towards their son and then back to Marie’s upturned face.
“I’m not askin’ for something that I got no business askin’ for. I just want…a chance. I want a place in my kid’s life and maybe just a small place in yours.”
Marie watched him as he studied her face for a reaction. There would always be a place for Logan in her life. Even absent for almost five years, and that space still belonged to him. But she also knew from experience that Logan never took up ‘just a small place’. Whether absorbed into her consciousness, or as a very physical entity in her life, he always took up more than his fair share of room.
It was overwhelming, the way he could fill up her being. It happened so easily and there were times when she’d completely succumbed to it; just let him overtake her so all that was left was a wisp of herself enveloped by something so dominant and instinctual. It was wonderful, but then it was crushing to have it ripped away. She couldn’t deny that she wanted him to have a place in her life too, probably always would, but could she reign him in, contain him to just a small place?
She wasn’t that same naïve girl anymore. Marie noticed he was still watching her, warily. He couldn’t read her as easily as he once could, that much had definitely changed. Time and trial had built walls around her so that every thought and each emotion wasn’t so clearly etched across her face. She wasn’t the only one on unsure ground anymore, and somehow, that was reassuring. She watched him for a moment more and the answer came without really consulting her for a final decision.
“I’ll try to make a place for you.”
Logan nodded slightly, “That’s all I’m askin’ for.”
He released her swing and she shoved lightly off the ground again, wishing she could force her heartbeat to slow down.
“I do have a question though,” she said, glancing back at him. She smiled at his look of uncertainty. “Did we just have that discussion – on a swing set?”
Logan’s uncertainty turned to a full on smirk. “Well it was on my mind. I just gotta go with this talkin’ stuff when the mood hits me.”
Marie pushed herself a little higher in the swing as Logan dug out a cigar. They were temporarily content with the agreement and watched their son enjoy a new group of kids. For a while it actually felt natural, like it had always been the three of them together, a normal family in the park. Caught up in the moment, neither one of them noticed the unmarked van pulling into the parking lot. They couldn't see the undercover soldiers crawl from the van and make their way towards them. By the time Logan caught their scent, they were already entering the park.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
This takes place years after X3. Marie took the cure, it was permanent, and the Mutant Registration Act has gone into effect. She has her own life among humans while the world of mutants is thrown into chaos.
A very special thank you to both Laenwyn and JaqofSpades for beta; without you guys, this fic would not be here. Y’all are the greatest!
A very special thank you to both Laenwyn and JaqofSpades for beta; without you guys, this fic would not be here. Y’all are the greatest!