Gaudy Night
There's nothing more complicated than simplicity.
It all made perfect sense to me, and Logan sure wasn't asking any questions. The rest of the Mansion-that was another story.
None of them knew what had happened between me and Logan. They just assumed we'd pick up where we left off-and it wasn't like people hadn't been wondering before it all happened where exactly that was. I guess they'd expected a teary reunion, but if any of them were surprised at not getting one, they didn't say anything. Maybe they just figured we'd gotten that over with in private. I think at that point everyone was just so elated at the miracle that they didn't think too much about anything.
For a while, anyway.
It was heaven at first. I don't think you can understand, unless it's happened to you. I was raised to be religious, Bible class every Sunday. This my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. I didn't care about anything else. It was like it was before, when just being near him was enough to make me feel safe and happy.
But before long things started to fall apart.
Bobby was the first one to snap. He and I had given up on our little teen relationship after Boston, after he tried to kiss me and got the ice scared out of him. I guess it reminded him a little too fiercely of past indiscretions, flirting with him. At first he played along. He even said, more than once, how nice it was to see me looking cheerful again. But then finally he pulled me aside after a meeting and asked me to cut it out.
“Christ, Bobby, it doesn't mean anything.” I wasn't totally oblivious; I felt bad. “I'm sorry.”
“I know. Look, Rogue, I'm happy for you. Just-I can't do this again, all right?”
“Do what?” Tough-girl Rogue made a reappearance at that. “You broke up with me, remember?”
Bobby wasn't a kid any more, either. He wasn't about to fall for that. He didn't get mad. He just looked down for a second and then gave me a crooked smile. “Yeah, well, if that's how you remember it. Preemptive strike, if so.” He picked up his clipboard; he was Scott's second-in-command, in charge of the agenda. What a pair. “I just don't think it's a good way to get his attention.”
I turned on my heel and left. I wasn't going to argue with him, and I wasn't going to try and explain it. Bobby had never understood, even back then. He was always trying to prove things to me. He liked me, sure, but tell me any red-blooded teenage boy was going to last for long with a girlfriend who couldn't touch him without freezing the blood in his veins. Even the Ice Man couldn't deal with that. And he was just the first to start asking questions. First people were indulgent. Then they were suspicious. Finally they were impatient.
I started to realize, over the next few weeks, that people were reacting to me the way they were because we'd disappointed their expectations, Logan and I. And slowly that peaceful acceptance I'd felt started to ebb away. I'd told myself it was enough that he was back, that he was safe.
I'd wanted to believe things could go back to the way they'd been. I guess they did, really-I'd just forgotten what it was like. It hadn't really been easy or simple then either.
And finally, what hurt the most was that Logan started to act differently too. I guessed it was inevitable-god knows he wasn't the type to spill his guts to anyone, but even he couldn't go through that kind of hell without some fallout. He started spending more and more time alone, getting moodier all the time, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. That was the deal-keep things simple and I could keep some part of him. Make it difficult and he'd be gone again.
Neither option seemed like it was really working.
The last straw was when Scott tried to step in. I knew he had a better idea of what I'd felt than anyone else and I knew he equated my situation with his own, and I wanted no part of his attempts at mediation. He wanted to talk to me and I wouldn't let him. I didn't want anything to upset the balance I'd set up. Took some doing, I might add, not to let him catch me alone. I spent a lot of time and energy making sure to get to team meetings a little late, and to be the first one out the door afterwards. I didn't leave my room much, unless it was to meet Logan.
What I didn't count on was Logan wanting to talk to him as well. And on the one subject I would have laid my life against his ever, ever bringing up.
Logan told Scott about himself and Jean. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't heard it with my own ears.
I was going to meet Logan after a workout. I was nervous anyway, because I knew Scott would be running the simulations, so I was relieved when I got there and saw the control-room door standing open-I thought that meant they were through and Scott had left. Then I heard a voice, emanating from the empty room, and I realized the commlink to the Danger Room below was open. It wasn't even so much what the voice said that stopped me in my tracks. It was that it was Scott's voice, and the dead calm, flat way he spoke was what told me what was going on.
“So you're telling me you slept with her.”
I stood there, frozen with shock and fear. I couldn't believe that Logan would tell him that, give away what I'd kept hidden for so long. And even more than that, Scott was the one person on the team who could really have hurt Logan, and if this was his self-destructive streak coming out-
“Just the one time. It wasn't right, I know that. It was the night before everything happened.” There was a pause. “Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this,” Logan said tiredly, and I just wanted to scream. There was another pause, and then Scott spoke again.
“No. I think I knew, really.” He sounded tired too, almost defeated. “I could see it, in her. I knew.” I felt sick.
“She never said anything?”
“No. She wouldn't have, would she. Not…under the circumstances.” Scott's voice was tight and hard, and it almost broke my heart to hear that. “All right. So what happens now?”
I knew even before Logan answered, what he would say. “Can't stay here. You're the team leader, you can see this isn't working. Just thought you ought to know.”
No. That wasn't the deal. I couldn't listen to anything more. After everything that had happened, after what I'd accepted and what I'd given up, it didn't even matter. I wasn't going to be asked, and what I wanted didn't make a difference. I thought I'd had an understanding with him, but it was only in my head. Again.
I didn't wait around. I knew he'd be expecting me, and when I didn't show up, he'd come find me, that much I was still sure of. I went to my room just long enough to pack enough for a few days and gather all the money I had, and then I borrowed one of the Mansion's cars and left.
What can I tell you? Running away is easy. And I had learned from the best.
I just drove, almost at random, getting off the main roads quickly, as fast and as far as I could before I was too tired to go any further, until I was sure I'd drive off the road if I kept going. I was somewhere in the middle of upstate New York, and I found a cheap motel and crashed for the night.
I was going to do the same thing the next morning, but when I woke up I felt too exhausted to move. It was a pretty fall day, and it was late when I finally dragged myself out of bed. I'd been on winding side roads for so long that I really had no idea where I was, and I figured if I didn't, no one else did either. I ended up staying, going for a long walk in the woods, just wandering in circles for hours until I found a place I wanted to sit and just listen to the silence around me.
I wanted to be alone. I was alone, damn it, but I wanted it to be my choice.
I stayed there for a week. I didn't call anyone, and if I had any thoughts that anyone would come after me I squelched them pretty firmly. I wanted to stay away until I thought I was past the first hurt and shock of it, until I was ready to be someone who could function in public again. It was just a return to what it had been like for two years already, and I made myself face that over and over, tried to make myself numb to it again.
It wasn't working. Not for either of us. Every morning, when I opened my eyes, it was still there. And if I was waiting for some inner voice to feed me the answers, well, that seemed to have dried up at long last. It was just me, myself and I out there, and none of us had any bright ideas on what to do now.
Logan wasn't an idiot, and he wasn't just oblivious. He must have known all along what I'd felt for him, and if that was the way of it, he had his own reasons for not wanting to be with me. Maybe he was even trying to give me that, I don't know. It was just our collective luck, it seemed; we had the worst timing ever.
It was even funny, in a really sick way. Things seemed clearer to me, away from everything. I could see the attraction of just leaving, not having ties to anyone or anything. But he'd tried, I could see that. He'd tried to make sure I was all right, even when that meant staying around a place he didn't want to be.
At least as long as he could.
I didn't want to use credit cards. I knew as soon as I did that, they'd know where I was, and the last thing I wanted was for Storm or Hank or, god forbid, Scott to show up and haul me back home like some juvenile delinquent. And I had to go back eventually. What was I going to do, go back to hitchhiking? So when I couldn't pay cash for any more nights I headed back on my own. It didn't take nearly as long on the return trip; turns out I'd driven in a lot of circles getting there. I made sure it was late when I got back, because I didn't want to see anyone right away. But I still had to know, so I walked down the hallway just to see for myself.
The door to Logan's room was ajar, and I was sure he was gone.
But he wasn't. As I got closer, I could hear him inside, moving around, the sound of a drawer opening and shutting. And then I saw him, saw the knapsack lying on his bed and the way he was pulling things out , throwing them toward the waiting duffel bag, and I knew I was just back a little too early. I'd been feeling so cold and empty, and when the anger came roaring back I welcomed it like an old friend. At least it was something.
Then he stopped.
I didn't even really see him move, but a second later he had hold of my arm. “Where the hell have you been?”
“I didn't feel like watching you leave again. Guess I didn't give you enough time. You must be slowing down.” I put every bit of the fury I was feeling into my words.
His eyes narrowed. “I wasn't going to leave without talking to you.”
“Yeah, right.” I tried to pull my arm free, but he wouldn't let me. “Let go of me.”
“No. What's the matter with you? You can't just disappear on me.” His grip tightened, if anything. “If you want to know, I was about to go after you.”
“So you could leave with a clean conscience? Don't worry about me. I can take care of myself. Just go.”
Logan stared at me for a second, and then he yanked me a couple of steps forward into his room and slammed the door. “All right. You're going to tell me what's going on here.”
“I heard what you said to Scott.” I was so angry I didn't even care if he knew I'd been eavesdropping. And it worked. I saw his expression change to one of shock, and he let go of me. “That was a really shitty thing to do, you know that?”
“I'm sorry,” he muttered. Why in hell he felt the need to apologize to me, I had no idea. “I needed to talk to someone. Thought you and him got along.”
“He didn't need to know that. He should never have known that. You could have talked to me.”
Logan took a step back and rubbed a hand over his face in a weary gesture I'd seen before. “You made it pretty clear you didn't want to talk about it.”
“What? You didn't even know I knew about-“ And then I felt my stomach turn over. Oh, god. The realization hit me all at once. That discussion hadn't been about him and Jean, it was about him and me. And it was too late to call back the words. In the same second that I realized my mistake, I realized what I'd given away.
And he hadn't missed it-no chance. His suspicious look returned. “I didn't even know you knew about what?” I glanced at the door, but he took a step to put himself in between me and it. “No way, Marie. Tell me what the hell is going on here. We're not even talking about the same thing, are we?”
I shook my head mutely; I didn't trust myself to speak. I should have known he wouldn't do that to Scott. I should have known there were some mistakes he'd keep to himself. And he was going to be furious when he realized I knew. Somewhere in the back of my head I felt sick that Scott knew what I'd done, what I'd asked Logan for, but I couldn't even worry about that right now. Then I felt his hands on my shoulders again, gentle this time, and it occurred to me that he hadn't used my real name since he'd been back, not until now.
“Talk to me,” he ordered, but his voice wasn't angry any more. “I need to know what you meant by that. You didn't think I was talking about you?” I shook my head again. “Marie-“
“Why are you calling me that?” I made myself look up at him. His brow knit.
“It's your name.”
“No one uses it.”
“I don't use it in front of other people. You told me. You didn't tell anyone else.”
I didn't want to cry, but I knew I was seconds away. Logan still looked completely confused, and it just didn't seem possible that he didn't understand yet. He was rubbing my shoulders now, trying to get me to relax.
“Look, you're right. I should've talked to you. But now-you gotta tell me what this is about.”
“I know, all right? I know about you and Jean.” Again I braced myself for an explosion that didn't come. He just shook his head, still looking confused.
“What about me and Jean? Darlin'-“
I jerked away from him then as the tears finally did spill over. “Stop it! I saw it, Logan. Don't lie to me. I know about the night before she died. I saw her.”
A sudden understanding came into his eyes then, and my heart sank even further. This was it, I knew-he wouldn't come back after this, knowing that I knew about that night. But he still didn't get angry; he just looked sad. “Jesus, Marie. I'm sorry. I didn't know you saw that.” He shook his head. “Listen. It didn't mean-it was just a kiss, for chrissakes.”
It shook me. I really didn't know what had happened, after all. Maybe-and then I was furious all over again. Because I didn't believe that, and because I wanted to. “And you're right too. I don't want to talk about it.”
“Christ.” He put a hand out towards me and I flinched before I could stop myself; he let it fall back to his side. “Okay. I can see why-but that was all there was to it. It was just a really strange night, you know? I kissed her and she left. It didn't mean anything, Marie.”
“That's what you say.” I dragged a hand over my damp cheeks. “It doesn't matter. Whatever happened, that's between you and Scott now. You deal with it.” I started toward the door, but he didn't move away.
“Wait.” He didn't touch me, but he wouldn't let me by either. “Look, I wish you hadn't seen that. But I swear, there wasn't anything more than that. What you saw-that was the end of it. Nothing else happened. Nothing would've happened. You gotta believe that.” He waited for a second, then sighed. “This is such a fuckin' mess.”
“Don't worry. I won't tell Scott. And I didn't see anything, so I can live without knowing the details.” Maybe that was really all that had happened, maybe not. I'd never know. I started to brush by him, and he caught at my arm again.
“Hold it.” God, it was hard to be this close to him. “You just said you saw us. What is this, some kind of game? That was all there was to it.”
“I don't have x-ray vision, Logan.” I managed to channel some of that anger into my voice, staving off more tears. And then his hand gripped my arm so hard it was painful.
“What did you see? You tell me, straight out. Right now.”
“Stop it! That hurts.” He eased his grip just a little, but he didn't let go. “I saw her going into your tent, all right?”
He let me go so quickly I stumbled back against the wall, and his face went absolutely white. He didn't say anything; he just turned away and walked over to the bed to sit down. I wanted to leave, but my legs were trembling. Finally he looked up at me.
“You should've told me.” He sounded exhausted. “You've been thinking that, all this time?”
“It doesn't matter.” My anger had vanished at his reaction, and I felt shaky. Empty.
“Yeah, it does. Listen. That night-I did kiss Jean. But we were outside, over by the plane. What you saw-“ He held out a hand to me and without meaning to, I came the few steps across the room to him and took it. “That wasn't Jeannie you saw, baby.”
It took a second.
Mystique. The shape-shifter. I couldn't even breathe when it finally hit me. I'd seen her turn herself into Logan, seen her shimmer from one form into another, I knew how much she liked playing mind-games, and it had never even occurred to me. The room spun around me as it sank in, and the only thing I was really aware of was Logan's hand, warm on mine.
“You get it now?”
I nodded. He tugged on my hand and I let him draw me towards him. I felt his hands at my waist, holding me there, and I reached up to touch his cheek. “I'm sorry. I should've talked to you.”
He smiled a little. “Yeah.” He held me there a second longer and then let his hands fall away again. “You were right about one thing. I was thinking of taking off, for a while anyway.”
I swallowed hard. “Sure. I understand.” I didn't have any right to object, that was for sure. There didn't seem to be any possible thing about this I hadn't screwed up.
“Come on. Sit down for a minute. I want to explain something.” He patted a spot beside him and I sank down onto the bed. “What I was telling Summers-how much of that did you hear?”
“I don't know.” I felt like I didn't know anything any more. “Just tell me.”
It took him a minute; he seemed to be searching for a way to start. “What happened that night-you said you didn't want to talk about it.”
Yeah. That night. But I did want to talk about it, I always had. Whatever happened, things needed to be set straight, even if it hurt to hear it. Slowly I reached up and put a hand on his arm. “It's all right, Logan. Just…please don't say it was a mistake again.”
“Goddamnit.” His mouth was a thin line. “I knew you took that the wrong way. I didn't mean-it was just my fault, that it happened like that.”
“I asked you to. I asked you to.”
“I let you get drunk enough to ask. I knew what would happen and I kept letting you drink. You understand?”
I didn't. “I was the one drinking.”
“I could have stopped you. I didn't. Kept telling myself I didn't plan it, but that wasn't true. I thought, if you asked…” He shook his head. “You didn't even talk to me any more, back then. I didn't know what to say to you, so I got you drunk. Fucked up way of dealing with it. And I shouldn't have done that. That's what I meant, when I said it was a mistake.” He looked away. “Been wanting to explain it to you ever since.”
“I'm sorry,” I whispered.
“Nothing for you to be sorry about.” He shifted uncomfortably. “I shouldn't've let it go that far. I should've stopped before-but I thought that would be worse, after I pushed you into saying it out loud. So I tried, but it wasn't any good for you, I know that.” Logan finally did look at me then, and I could see what two years of worrying about this had done to him. “You weren't ready for that. Christ, you were just a kid, no matter what you said. I didn't know you thought that, about…what you saw. I just figured when you didn't want to talk about it, you wanted to forget about all of that. But I can't really forget it, not around here. So that's what I told Summers. I can take off for a while, and you figure out what you want. Okay? That's what I wanted to tell you. It's whatever you want, from here on.”
He looked away when I let my hand drop away from his arm and stood up. I didn't want him to worry any more, but it took me just a second to be able to do what I needed to do. I wasn't drunk tonight, I wasn't confused any more, and I had to make sure that this time there wasn't any misunderstanding. “What if I want this, Logan?” And I slid my arms around his neck as I settled myself on his lap again, totally on purpose this time. “Is this okay?”
His arms went around me, almost reflexively at first, and then they tightened as I put my head down on his shoulder. “Yeah. It's okay.”
I knew I had to be careful, but I couldn't help kissing his neck, lightly enough to be safe. I felt him take in a breath as I brushed my lips over his skin, leaning close to his ear. And for once, I knew the right words to say. “I don't want you to go.”
He swallowed, then nodded. I felt the tension go out of him, finally. “I won't.”
And that was all we said for a long time. Logan just held me close, and both of us let this strange new thing settle around us. Eventually he did move, but he didn't speak. He ran one hand through my hair, then made me look up at him. He held my gaze for a long moment before he leaned in to kiss me-really kiss me for the first time.
It was quick, that first kiss. I knew it was because he didn't want to scare me, didn't want me to have to be the one to pull away because I was absorbing him, so he made sure that didn't happen. But his mouth was so warm on mine, and softer than I'd thought it would be, and he didn't stop with one kiss. He kissed me until I was dizzy with it, over and over, until I was almost crazy with wanting more and more of him. He was so careful, easing his touch whenever he felt the beginning of my mutation pulling at him, and the incredible thing was that each time it seemed to take longer and longer before the pull began. His touch became more assured, more demanding, and when he finally parted my lips and I felt his tongue against mine it was me who drew back, not sure whether I was dreaming or not. “Logan?” I needed to know whether it was just me.
“Shh. I know.” He lifted me up and lay me down on the bed, lowering himself down over me. “It's slowing down. I feel it.” And he kissed me again, and this time it took more than a minute before I felt even the least pull.
That was how we spent that night, just feeling out the limits. Logan pulled off my gloves and brought my hands to his face, kissed my fingertips and let me feel the way his pulse beat under his jaw, and it seemed like my skin accepted more and more of him every time. It was slow, and deliberate, and I think we both wanted it that way. We'd had enough of desperation and rushing in. Making mistakes.
I fell asleep in his arms, and this time when I woke up he was there, he was the first thing I saw. He smiled at me when I opened my eyes. “Hey.”
“Hey, you.” My voice sounded a little rusty. “Didn't you sleep?”
“A little.” He brushed my hair back from my face. “Don't need much.” One hand was lying against my cheek now, and he let it stay there. “You're hardly absorbing me at all,” he said. “I kept testing it. While you were asleep.” He kissed me, long and hard and deep, and he was right. Someday we'd figure out why-overexposure? Tolerance?-but right then I damn well didn't care. Finally he drew back and just looked down at me; I was starting to recognize that expression telling me he was thinking through what he wanted to say. “Listen. One thing you should know. What you saw that night-she came into my tent as Jean, and I didn't realize it at first. I should have. I wasn't paying attention, because-“ He broke off for a second, and I wanted to tell him it didn't matter, but he shook his head when I started to speak. “I wasn't paying attention. Didn't realize it until I saw something on her. A scar.” He paused again, but this time I just waited. “A scar I gave her. After she knew I was onto her, she really started playing games. She turned into Storm, and then-then she turned into you.” That gave me chills.
“What'd you do?”
He half smiled at that. “Threw her across the tent. Point is, if she'd come in looking like you, I'd have known. Because I know you. She couldn't have fooled me, even for a second.” His finger traced over my lips. “I know you,” he repeated. “You understand?”
I nodded. Because I did. I reached up and put my hands on his chest; I didn't even know where my gloves were, but I could feel that strong heartbeat through the white cotton t-shirt and god, he felt so warm and solid. “You've got to tell me, once in a while, okay? I'm kind of dumb that way.”
“Yeah. All right.” It was usually so hard to read his expression, but right then I could see a million things in his eyes. “Goes for you too, kid. If I forget, you remind me.”
“Logan.” But he was already giving me that half-reluctant grin of his and I knew he didn't mean it. “I am not-“ And of course he kissed me before I could finish what I was saying, and we didn't go downstairs and relieve everyone else's mind for a long time.
I tell you, I haven't seen so many I told you so expressions since Jubilee lost that bet with Remy. Not that that's part of this story. Anyway, Scott's the only one I let actually say it to my face, and he was pretty gracious about it. He didn't even say it, come to think of it. I thought he was going to, but in the end all he said was I'm glad you two finally figured it out.
And what could I say? I just hugged him, and it was such a relief to be able to smile up at him and not feel like I was hiding anything. That's the best feeling ever.
Believe me, it's not perfect. It's still like pulling teeth, getting Logan to talk, and he's never going to be the kind of guy who remembers birthdays or brings me flowers. Sometimes he drives me crazy, and sometimes I get clingy and insecure and it makes him nuts. But we deal with it, day by day. He tries to remember that sometimes I need to hear things, and I try to understand that there are things he can't talk about, not yet. I'll remind him I'm not a telepath, and he'll tease me and call me 'kid' right before he pulls me into an empty room and shows me he really doesn't think of me that way any more.
It's messy, and it isn't always easy, but sometimes I'll wake up a little before he does and just look at him for a while, and that's what really tells me it's going to be all right. Part of it's just that he's there, every single night. No matter how withdrawn he's been during the day, it's different when he comes to our room at night and lets me hold him, makes love to me, and then words aren't important at all. And he doesn't have nightmares, or if he does get restless I wake up and put a hand on him, and it goes away. And sometimes I see him watching me, from across a room, like I'm the only thing he sees, and if I don't know exactly what he's thinking, it doesn't matter.
You have to keep trying, make a new promise every day. But I'm here because of him, and he's here because of me, and that's not going to change.
That much I know. And that really is enough. The rest we have to make up as we go. And we will.
Every single night.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
It all comes down to one last night.