A week after we returned to the mansion, we had a memorial service for Jean on a cool, sunny day. It was naturally a somber occasion, with Ro and Charles speaking at some length, as they talked about how much Jean had meant to them and how they would miss her…I could smell the tears being shed all around me as I stood next to Scott with Logan just a few feet behind us. He and I had not had a chance to talk a lot in the time since he had gotten back, everyone had been struggling to get things back in some kind of order and somehow I had found myself the only one, aside from the Professor, willing to reach out to Scott. I think everyone else was a little uneasy when it came to seeing The Fearless Leader nearly falling apart…me, thanks to Logan’s left over senses, I could almost taste the pain Scott was in and all I wanted was to find a way to comfort him as best as I could.
Unknown to most everyone at the mansion, Jean and I had developed a very close friendship in the months after Logan left. She was one person that understood all too well what it was like to have voice in her head that did not belong to her…she more than related to my fear and confusion and she was often the one to find me sitting in the kitchen late at night, still shaking from the aftermath of a nightmare that wasn’t mine, but Logan’s or Eric’s.
Jean and I spent hours talking, I told her about my fears that I would get lost, that I would find myself overcome by Eric…she knew how much I missed Logan and she knew that my relationship with Bobby was just a front. She had long ago figured out that Bobby and John were in love with one another, she had known that even before I came along…she smiled and said she thought it was nice, that Bobby and I were kind of a shelter from one another, for a while. She even told me I had no reason to look at her and see her as competition for Logan’s heart…she loved Scott with all her heart and soul and while she found Logan attractive, as any woman would have, she would never betray Scott.
“You know what it is like, when you realize that your soul belongs to someone else, and you can’t imagine ever loving anyone but that person.”
It was a comfort to me, that Jean knew my feelings for Logan weren’t childish, they were real, and she assured me that Logan didn’t love her…she wasn’t the one Logan stabbed himself in the chest for, that was all me, Jean said with a smile before telling me that Logan just needed sometime to figure out the obvious.
Of course, I knew that Logan wanted Jean, sexually, and Jean pulled me aside in the woods and told me how he kissed her, but she said it meant nothing to her, it had actually reminded her how much she loved Scott. And she had a feeling Logan was on his way to realizing certain facts…he had been projecting strongly during the kiss, Jean said, and it wasn’t her Logan had been thinking about, it had been my image on his mind and I smiled and hugged Jean for sharing that information.
It gave me a lot to think about, to know that Logan had been thinking about me when he kissed Jean, but before I could process it all, everything went to hell…John ran off with Mags, we all nearly died and Jean did die to save the rest of us and then we came home to find home in a shambles.
Between cleaning and seeing to the younger kids and watching over Scott, for fear he might do something to harm himself, I slept little during that first week back and I could feel the bitter exhausting weighing down on me, as I stood at the service, finally allowing my own tears to fall. I knew I was close to a breaking point, but I had no intention of reaching it with so many others around me…I just wanted to appear as if I were strong, but I had a feeling Logan knew the truth as he placed a hand on my shoulder just as Kurt began a prayer that would conclude the service.
The Professor had encouraged the staff and students to mingle, after the service, to talk about or memories of Jean, but one look at Scott told me he wanted to be alone, so I quietly held his hand and walked him back to the mansion. Everyone was use to me being at his side, Bobby sure as hell didn’t need me, he had said all of two words to me since our return and I knew he was struggling to deal with John having run off with Mags, but I had no clue what to say to him. I mean, I missed him too, he was my friend and all, but I wasn’t falling apart, as I nearly had when Logan left…I sighed and knew I would have to sit down with Bobby soon and put an official end to our sham of a relationship because I couldn’t do it anymore. I could not pretend. I loved Logan and even if Logan wasn’t ready to face his feelings for me, I had to stop fooling the world around me.
Walking Scott to the guest room he was staying in (he couldn’t bring himself to go into the room he had shared with Jean) I asked if he needed anything, but he said he was fine, as he glanced over my shoulder to see Logan lingering a few feet behind us and at the sight, Scott smiled.
“Someone else needs you now.” Scott whispered the words as he squeezed my hand.
“I don’t know…”
“I do. It was never Jean. Not for Logan. She was a distraction.”
“I want that to be true.”
“It is. Trust me. Don’t waste time. Don’t worry about age or any of that, because life is too short and you have to make the most of it, Rogue. I would give anything for just five more minutes with Jean, but I can’t have that. I just have memories and I can tell you now I cherish every memory I have…” He paused to shake his head and I felt fresh tears come to my eyes, as he left me, to slip inside his room, to be alone, and I turned to look at Logan, where he stood, leaning against my bedroom door.
Willing my trembling legs to move forward, I walked towards him…I walked towards him recalling how I had fallen in love with him the second I laid eyes on him, in that fighting cage in Canada…I recalled how he had nearly died for me and how he had been the only thing on my mind when I was sucked from that plane. Logan really was everything to me, just as Jean had been to Scott and I wanted nothing more than to tell him I loved him as I finally reached him, but before I could, his arms were around me, warm and strong and the tears that I had been struggling against began to spill from me on wild sobs.
I could feel his heart beating beneath my ear and his hands stroked through my hair as he told me to let it out…it was okay…he said that he had me and he would never let me go again. Ever. He told me I was his…I just held to him even harder, I couldn’t speak, but I wanted him to know I wanted it that way, I wanted to be his and I very much wanted him to be mine. He was all I ever wanted…he was my heart and soul, in all the ways that mattered, he was a part of me, a part of the future I wanted and my eyes were still damp with tears when I pulled back to look at him and he cupped my face in his strong, gloved hands.
“Standing out there today, thinking about how Jean gave herself to save us, I said a prayer, that wherever she is now, she knows how grateful I am that she did what she did because she saved you, Marie.” His beloved hazel eyes stared down into mine as my heart began to race. “When you went flying off that plane, I died inside…I knew I couldn’t save you and it killed me, and then Kurt brought you back and I…Christ, what I feel for you scares me to death baby. I have never felt anything like this and when I kissed Jean, I was trying to make myself believe this wasn’t real, but it only made me realize that I can’t live without you, baby. Ever. I know I don’t deserve you, and you are young and innocent and beautiful, but I…I love you, Marie…” I knew he had never felt such an emotion before, she had never said those words before and I gave a soft cry of delight as I pressed myself to him once more.
“I love you too, Logan. So much. I love you more than life…”
“Bobby…”
“Bobby isn’t you. I don’t love him and he doesn’t love me.” I pulled back again, to look up at him and he smiled. “It’s always been you and it always will be.” That was a promise I knew I could keep as Logan sighed, in obvious relief, I could feel the hot tension bleed from him.
“I was afraid that leaving you had ruined any chance I have.”
“You came back. You said you would and you did.”
“And I will never leave you again, Marie. Ever.”
“I believe you.” And I did. In my heart and in my soul. “Logan…”
“Listen, I know you are young, you’re just eighteen, so we can take this as slow as you want to take it, baby.”
But I shook my head at that, recalling what Scott had said, about life being short and no wasting any time.
“I don’t want to wait, Logan. And I have a surprise for you.”
Stepping back from him slightly, I peeled off my gloves and with a smile, I pressed a bare hand to his face as his eyes went wide.
“Marie…”
“I’ve learned to control it about a month ago.” I whispered. “Jean taught me.”
“Another gift from Jean. She helped make it possible for me to touch you.”
“And for you to touch me.”
“I intended to do plenty of that, darling.”
With a final smile, he lowered his mouth to mine, in the most glorious kiss I had ever known and as I wrapped my arms around Logan’s neck, I silently thanked Jean for her sacrifice, her friendship, and her gift…
THE END
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
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Story Notes:
I am proud to say my Jean Issues took a breather in this fic.