Marie sluggishly sat on her bed, her shoulders slumped and her expression morose.
"Hey," she greeted him. "You know that tomorrow I'll be leaving for my first official mission, right? And you know how excited I was when the Professor told me, right? I mean, finally, I'll be able to use the skills that I've spent more than a year honing. This is like the highlight of my life! Well, after today, I'm not that excited anymore."
She looked down at her tightly clasped hands on her lap and sighed.
"I saw him talking to her today." She paused for effect. "I don't know why it still hurts to see them together but it did. I mean she's married now and I know he respects that. But I still get jealous. He's not like that with me. He doesn't look at me the way he looks at her. He looks at her so intimately, like he wants to devour her. He looks deep into her eyes while he says something to her and he makes her blush. Why doesn't he ever tell me things that make me blush?"
Marie let out a deep, exasperated breath. "Oh, I know I have no right to be jealous. I mean, it's not like I'm his girlfriend--" The thought snapped her out of her tirade. "I'm not his girlfriend," she repeated to herself. "And I never will be..." She let the finality and the wretchedness of the words sink into her soul. Until she felt her heart constrict in pain. Until tears fell down her cheeks.
Logan silently made his way along the hallway to Marie's room, intent on having a talk with her.
"Oh, God, I'm such a fool," she sobbed helplessly. "Still pining away for him after all this time. I should be over this crush, but instead, it's become worse! I've gone and fallen in love with him. He's already made it clear I'm nothing but a child to him. But no, stubborn me won't accept that. I'm a woman and I can't make him see that."
Marie's soft sobs reached his ears. Logan didn't know she had company in her room. He'd wanted to discuss with her the lesson plan she left with him. Marie had been assigned by the professor on a three-day mission with Ororo to go undercover in an all-girl's school--her first official mission-- to track down a female mutant the Professor wanted to recruit and Logan had been the one tasked to take over her art class.
"But no matter what I do, he just doesn't see me that way," he heard her wail. Who was she talking to? Jubilee? Kitty? Why was she crying? But he didn't hear anyone talking back to her. Was she on the phone? He crept closer to her room and saw that her door was ajar.
"I'm of legal age but he still sees me as a kid. How do you get over that?" she cried. "Logan, he-- he wants a woman. He needs a woman."
At the mention of his name, his ears perked up. What the hell was she talking about? Curious as to where this seemingly one-sided conversation was leading, he decided to listen in.
"It's not fair that he's so protective of me, screening my dates and all. He's so picky. It was a miracle he let me go out with St. John that one time. Guess he found out he was gay and he figured I was going to be safe with him. What he didn't know though, was that I paid him to ask me out. I just needed to get out, you know, and be made to feel like a girl. I want to be pampered and fussed over. I want to be loved, wanted and needed as a girl should." Her last sentence was a plea, a plea that went through Logan's heart like an arrow.
"But I'm not a girl to him. I'm not even a woman. I'm just a fucking kid. Even when I'm 40 I'll still be just a kid to him. Why is he so damn blind?" Her voice rose at an angry pitch. "I've been sending out signals forever, but he still doesn't get it." She paused. "Doesn't get that I'm in love with him. That I want him and nobody else..." she whispered achingly, on the verge of tears again.
Logan's heart beat fast at what he'd just heard. Marie was in love with him. With him! A smile nearly formed on his lips until he heard her say...
"But he doesn't want me." Marie was crying again. Harsh, bitter sounds escaped from her throat. "Pathetic, untouchable lil' ol' me." She sobbed harder.
Pain clawed at Logan's heart. He'd never hurt so badly as he did at that moment.
Her sobs dying down a bit, she continued on. "Kitty says I've got lovely hair. So one time, I decided to use it to make him notice me. I piled it up on top of my head, making sure there were tendrils hanging down. I put on a low-cut tank top with my jacket to complete the sexy look. But you know what he told me when he saw me? He told me to cover myself up and bring my hair down. He said I looked like a child prostitute in my get-up. Sexy look, my ass." She laughed bitterly. "Even if I paraded naked in front of him, he'd tell me to put on some clothes lest I'd catch a cold."
No, that's not true, Marie, Logan wanted to shout. He wanted to barge inside her room and prove her wrong. He had told her that because the sight of her had affected him too much.
"I wish I were beautiful like Dr. Grey. I wish I had red hair, maybe that would get him to notice me. I know he's still attracted to her; maybe he still loves her. But I have dirt-brown hair. I--I'm not pretty. My skin is poison. I'm young. I'm just Marie," she ended on a pitiful whisper.
Logan's throat tightened and his eyes misted at the unshed tears. Her pitiful voice pierced his emotions. You're beautiful, Marie, he thought. Thank God you're unlike Jean. Thank God you're you. Warm as sunshine, fresh as the rain, sweet as that honeyed accent of yours and intense as that fire that burns in your soul.
"I wish he'd love me and let me love him in return," Marie begged to her silent companion. "I'd love him good, I promise. I'd take care of him. I'd be anything he wants. I'd give him anything...anything..." She cried again. "Oh, Logan, if only you could love me..."
Tears slipped uncontrollably down Logan's cheeks at Marie's anguish. His heart felt like it would burst from all the emotions in it--hurt, compassion and the strongest emotion of all, love. He very nearly pushed open the door and interrupted her phone conversation with whomever it was she was talking to, but the reflection on the full-length mirror facing the door stopped him. Marie wasn't on the phone. She was kneeling on her bed with her arms thrown around the gigantic Winnie the Pooh bear he had given her on her 18th birthday. It was the bear she was talking to. He watched her cling to the stuffed toy as she cried, while his heart broke. He cried soundlessly yet unashamedly. She probably didn't have anyone to talk to. His poor Marie, carrying all that burden inside her, relying on a toy to be heard.
Marie pulled back from Winnie and stroked his head. "Thanks as always for listening, Winnie. You're good therapy, you know that?" She laughed raggedly. "If anyone sees me talking to you they'd probably think I've gone crazy but I couldn't bother Jubes or Kitty. They've heard it countless time before." She took a deep breath. "God, I hate it when I break down like this, but I needed the release. I couldn't carry on my assignment distracted."
She lay down on her side and pulled the big bear down beside her. "All this crying is making me sleepy." She yawned tiredly. "Maybe I'll dream a nice, happy dream of Logan this time..." She slept, oblivious to the tormented man outside her room.
Turning away shakily from Marie's door, Logan let the tears flow, his heart aching from what he had witnessed. His wanting to protect Marie, even from his own feelings, had led her to this. He had struggled to keep his un-brotherly feelings from her because he didn't think it was best for her. He knew of her fondness for him so he discouraged her at every turn. He was too old for her and he felt she needed someone closer to her age who didn't have the burden of a mostly unknown past on his shoulders like him. He let her think he was still harboring feelings for Jean. It was safer that way. Whatever it was he had felt for the doctor didn't compare at all to the intensity of his feelings for Marie.
She was going on her first mission tomorrow with all that worry in her head. If it were up to him, he'd not let her go on any mission until he'd made her feel secure. Until he'd told her he loved her too and demand that she love him right back. But he knew she was looking forward to it despite her breakdown just now. He was just going to have to wait until she returned. Then he would make things right. It was a promise.
Marie had just finished putting on her jacket when Logan knocked on her open door.
"Logan!"
"Hey, kid. I see you're all dressed and ready."
"Yeah. All packed too," she said, indicating her duffel bag on the bed.
"You nervous?"
"Just a bit. It is my first time, after all."
Logan looked at her closely and noted her puffy eyelids and the dark circles under her eyes, a testament to her bout of crying yesterday. He'd make damn sure those circles wouldn't appear ever again.
"Don't worry about your class. I'll follow your lesson plan and carry out your instructions to the letter."
She smiled. "Thanks, Logan. I'm sure my students will be thrilled to have you."
"Really? Why? I thought they'd be scared. My temper has a reputation, after all."
Marie rolled her eyes. "Like you don't know. Half of the female population in the mansion has a crush on you!"
"Including you?" He couldn't resist. He wanted to prepare her.
A quick blush stole over her cheeks. "Yeah, including me," she said flippantly, hoping her shaking voice didn't betray her. "You'd better not scare my students or I swear I'll beat you with a broomstick when I get back," she threatened good-naturedly.
Logan turned serious. "You had better come back. In one piece. Take care of yourself, you hear? Don't take chances with your safety."
"Yes sir," she said playfully, giving him a mock salute.
He went up to her until the tips of their shoes were touching. "Promise me," he ordered huskily, staring deep into her warm, chocolate eyes.
"I promise, Logan," she replied, held in trance by his intense hazel eyes.
Logan leaned down and placed a tender kiss on the naked skin of her forehead. His lips stayed pressed to her skin until he felt the pull. "I have a surprise waiting for you when you come back," he whispered mysteriously, enticingly in her ear.
"What is it?" she asked, breathless from his unexpected caress.
"It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you now." He wanted her to have something good to look forward to when she came back. Something like...his love.
Her brows drew together at his ambiguity. First his uncharacteristically show of affection and second, the surprise he was talking about. "All right," she said uncertainly.
"Everything will be fine, you'll see."
"Ahem."
They both turned to see Ororo, who was trying to control her smile, at the doorway. "It's time to go, Rogue."
Giving him a bemused smile, Marie slung her bag over her shoulder. "Wish me luck."
"Good luck." And then she was gone.
Logan glanced around her room and saw Winnie sitting against the headboard of her bed. He sat down and drew the bear to his side. "Well, bub, I don't think she'll need your services anymore." He flung an arm around the bear. "But thanks for being there for her. I'll take over from here." Logan smiled as he thought of the changes he was going to make once Marie gets back. He was going to see to it she would never have a reason to talk to a toy again.
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Story Notes:
My take on Caroline's plot bunny where Marie makes Logan cry. This is not my usual thing so just humor me on this one. I know I should be working on All Mine, but... (shrugs) Special thanks to Jay (I owe you a lot, I know. ) and Karen for the speedy beta and preview. You girls polish up my work real good! :)