I’m engaged and in love…
But not with the same man. I know. I’m a horrible person.
It’s complicated.
The guy I’m engaged to is sweet, patient and predictable. He treats me right, and puts my feelings first. He’s what any girl would want. Except me. I love him but as a friend. Bobby was there for me when Logan was gone. On a search for his past. Bobby got everyone to see me for who I was, not the mutant with deadly skin. I know he loves me, even though he still flinches when I touch him. But at times I wonder if he’s as in love with me as he says he is. But he’s safe. I know what I have with him.
I guess it all comes down to being scared. I’m scared of sacrificing what’s safe for something I want. For someone who doesn’t want me.
The guy I’m in love with ain’t in love with me. I’m just ‘kid’ to him. A responsibility.
The first time I saw him, I felt something. He was the definition of masculinity. Shirtless, tight jeans, sweat sliding down his back as he beat the crap out of some dumbass who thought he had a chance. It didn’t take long for that feeling to turn into love. He cared for me, if even just a little, when every one else gave up.
But he doesn’t love me. Not the way I love him.
I got a women in my bed and I’m in love…
But it’s not the same person. I know. I’m an asshole.
But it’s fucking complicated.
The girl I’m in love with isn’t in love back. I’m just her savior. Her hero. Her protector.
The first time I saw her, she looked at me with wide eyed innocence. Once I got close enough to her I could tell that she was young, ’bout seventeen, and anything but innocent. She was wise beyond her years. It turns out she’d been on the road for a couple months. By herself. It pisses me off thinking about all the shit she saw and propositions she was given. I thank whoever is up there for her skin. Kept her safe from the scum I know are out there.
She was the first person to give a shit about me. Watch out for me. She cared for me and no matter how much I fought it, I cared for her too. It wasn’t long before caring turned into love. But I’m just best friend Logan, nothing more. When was I ever someone’s friend, let alone best friend? Shit, she’s made me too soft. But I don’t mind because she’s good for me.
But she doesn’t love me. Not the way I love her.
I stare at him when he's sleeping. I shouldn't be here, beside him in bed. Someone who loves him the way he deserves should be here.
I feel like I’m cheating. On who? I can't tell you.
Am I cheating on Bobby for wanting to be with Logan or am I cheating on Logan because I loved him long before Bobby. Or maybe I'm just cheating myself.
Cheating myself out of a life I want more than anything but I’m just too scared to even try and admit my feelings.
But Logan doesn't want me that way. I know that. but I still want him. I still need him. I’m stuck. Do I stay with the man that treats me right, who loves me just because the man I want to be with doesn't want me. How is that fair to Bobby? Or do I leave him? if not to have Logan but to set Bobby free? Let him have a chance with someone who loves him, needs him and not just the security he offers.
He wants to have kids. Bobby.
I can't do it.
I can't imagine being tied to him like that for the rest of our lives. Once we have kids the two of us will always be connected. I don’t want to be connected to him. Not like that.
She's happy with that Drake kid. Engaged and from what I hear talking 'bout starting a family. How could I ruin that by telling her my true feelings for her? I'm supposed to be her friend. Her best friend. How could I ruin her world like that?
If I told her, not only would I be putting her in an awkward position with Bobby but I’ll be putting our friendship on rocky ground. I can't do that. I don't care for a lot of things in this world but my friendship with Marie is the most important thing I have, and I rather have her friendship than nothing at all.
Now can you see why I can't tell her?
Fuck. I was fine before I met her. I had nobody and I was fine. I had nothing but a camper and I was fine. Now that she came and forced her way into my life, I can't have it any other way. I can't go back to life without Marie. I can't. I won't.
She makes me feel human, cared for, wanted. Hell, she just plain makes me feel. She tames the beast within me. Though lately he has become a little restless. Upset with me for not claiming her. He wants her just as much as I do. I could claim her if I wanted, but I don't. I want her, no, I need her to want me.
Lately every time he kisses me I feel horrible. I hate myself. Because every time he leans in to kiss me, I close my eyes and wish it was really Logan. When we're in bed together I can't help wonder how Logan’s touch would feel. How he was in bed? I know he wouldn't be like Bobby. Bobby turns it into a procedure. Step one: make sure I am covered up head to toe. Step two: make sure he is covered, which makes no sense to me. I mean I’m covered why does he have to be too. Then I remember. He is still terrified of my skin. Step three: make love but his eyes are always cautious. Looking and checking over my body to make certain there is no possibility of accidental skin on skin touch. Sometimes I feel like a glorified sex doll.
Ok I know I’m getting a little personal here but he hasn't even gone down on me. Ever. I tried to reassure him that there are ways to be safe. Ways around my mutation but he doesn't want to hear it. He insist that it's 'too risky'. I even offered to 'take care' of him. You know? His eyes nearly bulged out of his head and he actually grabbed himself there as if I kneed him in the balls. I guess that was a no.
You want to know the saddest part. The part that depresses me and breaks my heart. I gained control of my mutation a month ago. Yup. No one knows except for the professor and he promised he wont tell anyone.
Why haven't I told Bobby?
Simple. He doesn't deserve to know. He never trusted me with my own skin. He always acted like I was waiting for the perfect opportunity to drain him dry. And lately it’s been getting worse.
I want to tell Logan. He deserves to know. Whenever I’m around him he never once made me remember that I had poison skin. It was easy to forget what my mutation was around him. He never flinched or hesitated when he touched me. Makes me love him more. God. Why can't he love me. Why?
Fuck.
All these nameless women are starting to get to me. No matter who I bring into my bed, I can't get my mind off of her. How sick and twisted am I? I’m trying to forget her by fuckin’ all these women who throw themselves at me in the bar when I’m trying to consume as much whiskey as possible, another thing I do to try to forget her. Nothing works.
I never let them look at me when I fuck them, easier to imagine it's Marie I’m with, when their face isn’t in mine.
Easy to imagine that the girl I’m with has mahogany hair with bolts of white framing her face. Easy to imagine that she has the chocolate brown eyes that can swallow me whole. Easy to imagine her pale, creamy, unmarred skin. She is fast becoming a drug for me. A fix I need daily.
How fucked up am I?
I could hear the wolverine. In the back of my mind. Whispering. Calling me names. Coward. Weakling. Pussy. Every so often he screams out ‘grow a pair and go get our girl’. If it was anyone else I would have flirted and complimented until I chipped away at any doubts they had at being with me. But this is Marie. She knows me inside and out yet she still likes having me around. I wouldn’t want to convince her to be with me.
I wish she could wake up one day and decide that she really isn't in love with the ice prick. That's it me her heart belongs to. I fucked up at a lot of things but I would be able to love her. To treat her right. To make her happy.
Bobby got hurt.
We were on a mission. Seemed simple enough. Rescue some mutants being held against their will. We done it tons of times. Except it was a trap. We managed to gain the upper hand and escape but not without some injury to the team. Storm had a broken arm. Remy looked like he might have a broken nose. Scott was bruised up pretty bad. But Bobby got the worst of it. He got shot and lost a lot of blood.
They brought him to the medlab but he passed out and was unconscious for a while.
I cried. A lot and hard. I just couldn't help think that he could’ve died. He could be dead and never know what it was like to truly be loved. I didn’t love him. I mean I love him but I’m not in love with him. He needs to be loved. I can't keep using him as my security blanket. I have to let him go. For him.
So I’m here. By his bed, in the medlab waiting for him to wake up. So I can break his heart and end my relationship with him. I hope he forgives me.
Shit. I didn’t know how much she needed the iceman. He got shot when we went out to help some mutants. Turned out it was a fucking set-up. An ambush. Fucking FOH trying to take out the X-men, believing it would be easier to go after mutants if their saviors where out of the picture.
Anyway Drake got hurt. Marie just broke down crying. I never saw her so sad and hopeless. If I had know how much she needed him, I would have watched out for him. Took the bullet myself so she wouldn't be crying now.
I can see her. She's in the medlab sitting next to him, holding his hand. She keeps muttering 'you could have died. I’m sorry.' I don't know why she's blaming herself. It's not like she could have done anything to prevent it.
I could tell by his breathing that he was going to wake up soon, so I left them alone. I don’t want to be around when they start professing their love for each other.
Shit. I need to get over her.
I think I should go for a while. Get outta here. Get away from the mansion, the X-Geeks, the kids. Get away from everything that reminds me of her. Reminds me of how I can’t be with her. Maybe if I got away from her for awhile, I’ll be able to let her go. Not love her anymore.
Oh fuck. Who am I kidding?
I may never get over her, but I can’t watch her with him anymore. It hurts too fuckin’ much. It’s a foreign type of pain for me. I can’t heal from this. It just keeps hurting. A tightening in my chest that won’t go away. It renders me breathless at times. I need to get away. I need to go. I need to take a fuckin breathe. I need to let it go. I need to let her go. I have to let her go once and for all.
I love her but I’ll never have her, because she’ll never love me.
He started to wake up and I started to panic.
It’s not everyday that you plan on breaking up with your fiancé … in the medlab … after he got shot. Oh my god! Who does this?
But then he shocked the hell out of me. He took it pretty well. Sure he was hurt but he wasn’t devastated. In fact, after I explained (and apologized) that even though I loved him dearly as a friend, I wasn’t in love with him and I couldn’t hurt him anymore, he actually thanked me.
He thanked me for letting him go. Sometimes he’s too much of a gentlemen. I know he wanted to yell or at the very least call me a horrible name, bitch comes to mind, but Bobby is too sweet and proper to do such things. I’m just happy Bobby doesn’t completely hate me.
Even though Bobby doesn’t hate me, it’s been a little awkward for me in the mansion. Naturally in a house full of mutants, most of them teenagers, the news that I broke up with Bobby while he was recovering from a gunshot wound spread like wildfire. I heard them whispering about me.
Some called me names. My favorite was ‘Barracuda’. As if.
Some pitied me. ‘Poor Rogue. Can’t touch so she pushes away anyone who gets close.’
Others ignored me, thinking I was heartless and had no class.
To make matters worst, Logan’s gone. Picked up and left. Said something about staying still too long and needed to wander. He’ll be back. I know he will. Left his tags on his bed where I could find them.
You know that’s not such a bad idea. Picking up and leaving. I need to get away. A mini vacation. Finally go check out Alaska.
This way I could give Bobby some space, let the rumors about me die down, and find myself again. I need to decide how I’m going to live my life. I could go with option A) live like a nun or option B) Become a female Logan. Have meaningless sex with people I find mildly attractive. Why only those two options? Because I am deeply in love with Logan. No one will ever come close so why even try.
So I packed up my old duffle bag that I haven’t seen in years, but kept because of sentimental reasons, put on my green, worn but still warm hooded jacket and headed for my truck.
Poor truck has seen better days. Banged up and rusted but with a reliable engine that Logan worked on himself. I learned to drive in this truck. I feel comfortable in this truck.
I’m on the road, just leaving the mansion gates when a few tears leak down my face.
I miss my best friend. Already. He hasn’t been gone a week and I miss him. We were always together. I’ll miss him while I’m gone. Mostly I’ll miss the idea of us. What I wanted us to be. I have to accept that we will never be. I may want us to be more. Hell, I even wished for it. Prayed for it late at night. But it’s time to realize that even though I love him, we’ll never be, because he doesn’t love me. Doesn’t want me. Doesn’t see me as anything more than ‘Kid’, his friend.
And it hurts.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
stupid bunny came to me after watching one too many movies where the main characters never told eachother how they felt.