The unattainable...
Sometimes it's the things we can't have that drives us the most crazy. Wanting the unattainable had become a constant dull craving for Logan. And it made no sense to him. He had everything he wanted. Most importantly, he had everything he could ever need, and since need was always more important than want, he didn't get why - or even when - obtaining the unattainable had slowly become an obsession.
He wondered sometimes in the back of his mind whether he would have the strength to resist if the unattainable became attainable. He hated himself for the doubts, hated the part of him that whispered of his weakness. Then one day there were no doubts.
He was Adam and the goddamned apple was waved in his face. A large part of him would have sooner cut his hand off than reach for the forbidden fruit, because there were so many consequences. Giving in would lead to nothing but pain all around and so help him, he would be damned before he hurt her. But a smaller part, the part that has been the cause for the downfall of even the greatest people, couldn't resist...and one day...didn't resist. Temptation became a possibility and he gave in, to the detriment of everything he loved and valued.
So many people were burned by their actions. But it was her - the one person he didn't just want, but needed, the one person who's love he would rather die for than lose - it was her that he dropped to his knees to and begged for redemption. The one person who understood him the most...
And she did understand him the best. That's why she know he'd tried. He really had.
She would always give him credit for such a valiant fight, because he tried not to hurt her. She had closed her eyes too long to it because in the back of her mind she had wanted to believe that there was no need for a struggle. And it had killed her heart just a little bit every time she was reminded that he did struggle.
All it took was a too long glance in the wrong direction - the direction of someone else's wife. She used to wonder whether she was enough.
Wasn't she everything he had said he wanted, everything he said he needed. His answer had always been an unequivocal yes, those few times in their marriage when the unspoken become spoken. Because the struggle had been an unspoken secret between them - had been there like an invisible force. The whys of desire for another.
Why was he so attracted to her? Why hadn't she been enough for him? Why? Why? Why? There were to many questions that would never be answered. And really it didn't matter anymore. There was no fight anymore because temptation had been embraced with deceptively loving arms.
The struggle between Logan and Jean had lasted more years then would seem possible with the apple within touching distance. She had been drawn into a false sense of accomplishment. She'd thought she had won his heart so completely that the lure of another - no matter how attractive he found it - wouldn't really affect them. How arrogant. In the end Logan was just a man, and he had always been easy to seduce with a challenge.
Obtaining the unattainable had won.
Part of her could understand the compelling forces that drove them. It was a force that was driven by desire, by need, by desperation. And she understood desperation. It had kept her up late into the night on more than one occasion with fear of loss. It was a constant force of fear, knowing any minute he would look at her and decide he had made a mistake. He would look at her and realize that while he might need her he didn't really want her. Those were the times when she would be driven with a desperate need to lay her claim on him. To take him down into the flame. When she used her body to beat back the demons. Yeah. She understood the forces at work that had kept the struggle alive inside of him. It would be easy to condemn - to wish them both to hell for the agony that reached at the core of her being. But hate required energy, and she no longer had any to give. She was drained. Now when she looked in the mirror what she saw could usually ring a sound of agony from deep within her soul that came out like the whimpers of the deeply wounded. And in the back of her mind she would know that she was the lucky one. At least she could so her eyes in the mirror, could see the shambles that betrayal had left of her soul. The same could not be said for...
Scott visualized each and every reaction in his mind. The reactions of those he knew when they finally saw him lose complete control. The temptation was there to loosen the reigns on his carefully horned cool. The fearless leader was on the brink - and he didn't give a damn. He was tired. He was tired of being the rational one, the calm one... the one who shouldered his responsibilities for the greater good. The one compelled to hide his feelings - the rage, the pain, the hate - because it was unbecoming of his position in the group.
Sometimes he would sit for hours perfectly still, and to outside observers it looked like he was in deep mediation. But the reality of it was that if he moved, if he took action like his feelings dictated, he wouldn't be able to stop his urge to destroy. He could feel it sometimes - his blood. Sometimes he actually felt it boil in his veins, hot and compelling - urging him to give in to those forces that people bury. And God, he struggled not to, because to give in would be to give up humanity and become some animal...to become some freak. It would be so easy, didn't she know that. She had always taken his control for granted, but she more than anyone knows that sometimes...it was just surface.
He'd tried to be everything she needed, everything that she said she wanted. Somewhere in the back of his mind he had known that it was an impossibility. No one can be everything to one person. Especially a person who didn't know what she wanted herself.
But he was haunted. Haunted by why he hadn't been enough...
For Jean it wasn't just seeing the destruction of all the relationships that had survived for years crumple like a deteriorating brick wall that had her seriously considering taking the professor up on his suggestion to move to D.C. on behalf of the school.
It was the fact that she was so internally conflicted that it was slowly starting to take a toll on her sanity.
For so long she had prided herself on her self-control, on her hard earned sense of self-assurance after many untold years of struggle. She had taken it for granted that she had it all under control. In the end she had been proven wrong. She wasn't a saint - she was just a woman.
It had been extremely arrogant to think that just because she had survived hatred and ignorance and come out a stronger person for it that she could resist a compelling force like desire for the forbidden.
The thing is, she hadn't thought it was so compelling in the beginning. If there was one thing that she was sure of, as sure as she was of the sky being blue and the law of gravity, is that she loved Scott. But most importantly, she desired him. Contrary to what most people had thought of their relationship, they'd had a great sex life. The faces they showed to the outside world was not the sum total of who either of them were. Underneath the calm and the control shown to the outside world, their relationship behind closed door had been a safe haven. It had been a place where neither had been afraid to be complete, displaying both the control and the passion. Her love for Scott and his love for her had been her rock...and yet.
It may have been the mystery of the unknown that was her undoing. She had always been a hidden sensualist...and Logan was one of the most sexually compelling men she had ever met. From the beginning they had been aware of each other, but she had never fooled herself into thinking it was anything deep. It certainly hadn't been love. She'd had Scott, and he had been enough for her.
Then there had been Rogue.
The first time Logan left she had mistaken Rogue's feelings for him as just a simple teenage crush. It hadn't been an unfounded assumption to make about a girl her age. She became aware of her mistake when Logan had come back to stay for good five years ago - two years after he'd left.
Within a matter of weeks after he showed up it became pretty clear that Rogue's feeling for him had never faded. And it seemed Logan, for the first time, openly let himself explore possibilities not open to him when Rogue had been seventeen.
And despite it all - her happiness with Scott, his with Rouge - there had still been awareness between the two of them. It was nothing so obvious that it became disrespectful to either of their relationships - but it was there. A flirtatious glance here...a playful comment there, it had all been easily excused as harmless and for the most part - in the beginning - it was.
It wasn't a surprise to anyone when Logan proposed to Rogue two years into their relationship, and was married within four months of their engagement. The marriage marked the turning point in Jean's and Scott's relationship.
At that point they had been engaged for five years without ever setting a definite date. It was always one excuse after another on both their parts. And at first it hadn't occurred to either of them to be bothered by the fact that they had been at a stand still for five years because they were both committed to the relationship and in it for the long haul. But Logan and Rogue's marriage had made them start to question why they had been using delay tactics to put off their own. And the more either analyzed motivations, the more insecure they became about the other's feeling. Slowly discussions had turned into debates and debates into fights. The more tense things became between her and Scott, the more aware she became of Logan. But the underlying, compelling fact was there, she loved Scott. And as soon as she assured him of that fact, they were finally able to settle on a date. Three months after the other couple's wedding, she and Scott were married. And they were happy - but the seeds of doubt had been planted in their relationship. And things would never be the same.
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Story Notes:
Although I've been lurking on this list for the last three months, this is my official introducton, Hello all. I have no idea where this is going, this is my first attempt at fic in any of my many fandoms. With the way I ended it I think I have to continue. I was just compelled to write because of all the wonderful writers on this list. I like to be straight forward, so if it's awful, or my writing needs some more polish, I would like to know. As much criticism as possible is wanted please. Thanks.