Heal
Why is it that no matter how bad we feel or how much pain we hold, life goes on, nothing stops, nothing waits? Even when we pray that enough is enough and we need an end to it all, the circle of life crap just keeps repeating (round and around). The heart keeps beating, the lungs keep breathing, the world keeps spinning and the sun keeps rising. Another day begins just like the one before, and the pain is still pain. It’s still constant (always constant), and with each circle the heart (my heart) stays in this pain, time never healing, never disappearing with the sunset, never gone with the sunrise, never mending, never easing, forever broken.
I am not a coward, or maybe I am, I can’t take myself away, can’t make it end. I can’t end on purpose what I was given, what I should appreciate beyond all things (am I strong?), yet I pray for someone, something, anything to end it for me (am I weak?).
End the pain.
End the life.
In death it would be over, an abyss of darkness, stillness, nothingness. There would be no more pain (freedom, redemption).
Rest in peace.
Rest and peace.
Nice.
In life I am broken, torn apart and it hurts (always hurts), filled with a sorrow so burning, so consuming, it’s pulling me, dragging me, killing me.
Pieces of my heart (of myself) are missing, were they given or stolen? (Does it matter?), I am incomplete, so far away from whole, a fraction of what I should be, what I could be, what I want to be. I’m empty yet filled with such pain, just existing not living (not the same, far from the same), alive yet dead, want to live, want to die. I’m a contradiction.
I want to live (not broken), to get that feeling back again (hope), to be strong, in control (alive) –
I want to die (be free) –
Either or.
Does he know? How much I feel, what I feel?
Love (so much love), Hate (for loving or not being loved?) and everything in-between, always there, with me, inside me, changing me, breaking me, killing me.
Would it make a difference if he knew? Would he care? Should he care?
He will keep saving me (he thinks), he will keep me alive (but not living), he will not let me die (rest in peace).
Does he even want to be loved (to love)? Would it save him as much as it would save me?
Is he fading too?
He stays alone (lonely), stays away (hiding), keeps his distance (safe), stays ashamed – of him? Of me? Of us? (afraid).
I am angry, at myself (at him), I don’t want to be weak, I want to live (love), I want to love (be loved).
Death, Life, Heaven or Hell – which is which?
Is it supposed to be heaven to live and hell to die or hell to live and heaven to die?
Is it all the same?
Love. Pain. Peace. Sadness.
Is the only peace for me to be found in death?
I want to find it in Life (be strong).
Heal (to love, be loved)
This is what I want. I would be free, be redeemed, be saved.
I want to heal (be alive), stop the circle, find hope, take out all that is broken and heal, my heart, my mind, my body and soul (be complete).
Only he has the power to heal (heal him, heal me, heal us).
But will he?
It’s time (stop the pain). I want to know, need to know, have to know.
Save me (please)
I could ask, should ask, will ask.
The end.
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Story Notes:
Do not read if your wrists are in the vicinity of any sharp objects! - you have been warned!
Genres; Angst but only because there isn't a section for depressing if you need to smile today this is probably not the fic for you!
thank you to; RouDeVil - JaqofSpades - Solidae - QueenC86 - bima140277 for encouriging me to keep going although the following is probably not what they expected at all.
Genres; Angst but only because there isn't a section for depressing if you need to smile today this is probably not the fic for you!
thank you to; RouDeVil - JaqofSpades - Solidae - QueenC86 - bima140277 for encouriging me to keep going although the following is probably not what they expected at all.