Rogue clutched the five notebooks in her right arm and her steaming cup of hot tea in her left as she carefully made her way to the library. Logan had agreed to light a fire in there so she could be warm as she did her homework. She shuddered slightly as she walked down the darkening hallway. It was only four in the afternoon but the sun was already disappearing behind the multitude of trees that surrounded the school.
With the exception of the diminished hours of daylight, Rogue enjoyed the winter. She could wear as many clothes as she needed to and still feel comfortable. Today, however, she could not seem to get warm. She was wearing about five layers and nothing seemed to help so she decided to do her homework in the warmer library instead of her room. She reached the library and saw the flicker of light under the door. She used her shoulder to ease it open. The library was truly a beautiful room. Floor to ceiling bookcases which were, of course, filled with books. This was, after all, the Professor’s house.
Rogue found a comfortable couch near to the fire place and put down her mug and notebooks. The fire was already roaring in the fireplace, but the room was empty. Logan must have already come and gone. She sighed.
The past few months had been difficult. For everyone. Rogue didn’t have an especially close relationship with Jean, but having been at Alkali Lake, she witnessed Jean die and the image of the waves crashing down over her always seemed to be in the back of Rogue’s mind. Yet another tragedy that haunted her young life. But the worst thing that was how her relationship with Logan had changed. He seemed very distant from her now. He still seemed like himself. They just didn’t hang out together like they used too. Rogue found it difficult to talk to him. She felt like he wouldn’t care how she was feeling about the whole episode. And why should he? Logan had been hurt much more than Rogue, right? He loved Jean. Rogue knew that. And it hurt her to admit it, even to only herself.
About a month after the funeral, Logan began to leave the mansion. Sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for a week or two at a time. And it didn’t matter how often he did it, Rogue felt a gnawing pain in the pit of her stomach every time he left. She couldn’t let go of the feeling that he wouldn’t come back to her. Like she’d lost him forever. Of course, his behavior never really took Rogue by surprise. She knew this was something that the Wolverine did and there wasn’t anything she could say to stop him. She was grateful for the fact that he would come to see her each time before he’d go. He’d knock on the door to her room and then lean on the door jamb. Looking at the keys in his hand and not at her, he’d tell her he was leaving and that he’d be back soon. “Soon.” Rogue laughed to herself. That amorphous word that covered any time frame the Wolverine needed. Rogue didn’t like it, but it was all she could get from him at this point.
It was only when he didn’t tell her he was leaving the last time that Rogue had gotten really upset. All of a sudden he was gone. For six days she had no idea where he was or whether he was coming back. No one else seemed to be very concerned about it. Rogue knew he’d be safe. She couldn’t think of any situation where the Wolverine would be in danger. she realized that she missed him for purely selfish reasons. She missed him. He made her feel safe. He made her feel comfortable around other people. He wasn’t afraid her or her toxic skin.
He did come back. Late one night she heard him pull into the garage. She didn’t speak to him for days. It was only an hour ago when she decided she couldn’t stand the cold anymore and Logan owed her anyway that she had asked him to build her the fire.
As Rogue walked the perimeter of the library and skimmed the book titles she felt her body warming up. She wished Logan had stayed. He wouldn’t have wanted to talk, she knew that. She realized then that she had not spent more than a few minutes with Logan in over a month.
Suddenly overwhelmed by this thought, she stopped near the door and blinked back tears. What’s wrong with me? she thought. Why I am a getting so worked up over this? She always seemed to be crying at nothing, recently. This wasn‘t exactly nothing, but it was certainly nothing to cry over. She felt so out of control and hated herself for it. Sniffling, she tried to pull herself together. Right, she thought, time to do some homework, get my mind off Logan.
She was turning to walk back to the sofa when the door to the library quickly swung open and hit Rogue smack in the nose.
“OW!” yelled Rogue, pinching her nose as she felt the blood trickling down her face. She rushed over to the coffee table where she had left a napkin and quickly held it against her nose.
“Oh, shit!” cried Logan as he strode over to Rogue. “Damn, I’m sorry. Didn’t know you would be right there.” He held his hand out to touch her. “Do you want me to...”
“No!” Rogue used her gloved hand to swat away his arm. “Don’t be stupid.”
“It wouldn’t even take much, come on it’s easier,” Logan argued, reaching out for her again.
She took a step back. “Logan, stop! I’m going to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”
“Want any help?”
Rogue glared at him from the doorway and ran to the bathroom a few yards down the hall. She held tissues to her nose for a while until the bleeding stopped and then washed her face. Looking at herself in the mirror, she could still see that her eyes were red and watery. Well, Logan would think that was because he hit her in the face with the door. She smiled grimly to herself and walked back to the library. Logan was sitting in the sofa staring at the fire. Rogue flopped down next to him and tucked her legs underneath her.
Grabbing a notebook she opened it and began to study.
“Everything ok?” Logan asked gruffly.
“Logan, it was a bloody nose. I’ll live.”
“Why were you standing right behind the door anyway? And why were you crying?”
Rogue looked at him with wide eyes. “Were you listening at the door?”
Logan grunted and looked away.
Rogue silently turned back to her notebook. Logan rose and began pacing around the room looking at books. Rogue glanced at him. “Why are you here?”
“This is the warmest room in the house,” he answered, not looking at her.
“Ha! Liar. You never get cold.”
Logan turned and looked her in the eye. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
Rogue stared at him, not understanding. He raised an eyebrow at her and turned back to the books on the shelves.
Realizing what she thought he meant, she sat up in the couch and glared at him. “Well it shouldn’t be,” she said loudly. “I’m mad at you.”
He turned around to face her. “I got that much. Care to tell me why, or are you going to ignore me again?” he said hotly.
“You left without telling me where you were going or when you’d be back!” Rogue said as she stood up.
Logan moved toward her and stopped just out of arms reach. “And so what? I have to tell you everything, do I? What are you, my keeper?”
“I don’t know, are you mine?” yelled Rogue, inches from his face. They stood in silence for a few seconds. “Anyways,” she said turning around, bubbling with anger, “why are you trying to defend yourself? You knew you did something wrong or you would have wondered why I wasn’t talking to you! You’ve left before and I didn’t get mad because you at least said good-bye. You’re an idiot! You...argh!” Rogue was so mad now she couldn’t speak. She didn’t want to say what was on the tip of her tongue.
Logan stood in front of her, arms folded and looking fierce. He was not happy. “What?” he whispered furiously. “What were you going to say? Don’t stop now, you’re on a roll!”
“You scared me!” shouted Rogue. She sighed and looked down. She hadn’t wanted to give him that. Saying it out loud was admitting that he could make her feel that way. “I don’t like being scared! So fuck you for leaving!” She was shaking now. From rage or from the impending tears, she didn’t know. She grabbed her books, knocking over her tea in the process and walked quickly to the door but felt a strong grip on her arm holding her back.
“Stop,” growled Logan.
Rogue whipped around. “Let me go, Logan. I don’t want to be around you right now,” she snapped.
“Sit down!” he said rather loudly and pushed her to the couch.
Now she knew the shaking was from rage. He wasn’t going to let her leave. Rogue was afraid of what he would get her to say if she stayed much longer. She wasn’t comfortable talking to him anymore, she didn’t know why.
“I’m sorry I scared you. I wasn’t thinking when I left.”
“Yeah, no shit,” muttered Rogue.
Logan growled and grabbed Rogue by the shoulders, lifting her to be eye level with him. “Watch it,” he said. She gave him back glare for glare.
“Unfortunately for you,” she whispered, “you don’t scare me when you’re standing right in front of me.”
He let her drop back onto the couch. “Look,” he said loudly, “you know I don’t usually have people ... you know...” he struggled for a word.
“People who care?” suggested Rogue, meanly.
Logan glared at her. “Whatever,” he said, non-commitally. “But I knew that you wanted to know where I go... Anyway, lately I’ve noticed that you don’t really seem to care where I go so this time I didn’t bother telling you. Obviously,” he sneered, “I was way off the mark with that one.”
“Obviously. And what do you mean I don’t care? Of course I care where you go!”
“Look, you’re the one who’s been Little Miss Recluse for the past six months! I try to get out, you never want to come! Why do you think I was telling you every time I left? I was giving you an opportunity to come along. Whenever you’re not doing your schoolwork you’ve been wandering around the mansion on the verge of tears!”
Rogue gaped at him. “I have not!”
“Don’t lie, I know you have.”
“What, you follow me around?”
“What else am I supposed to do when you never talk any more? Jesus!” Logan grabbed his hair in frustration. It was obvious this was difficult for him too. “It used to be I couldn’t get you to shut up. Always asking me personal questions and shit. Always talking, talking, talking. I always knew where you stood, whether I wanted to or not. And now, all of a sudden we’re supposed to switch places? I’m not that type, kid.”
Rogue giggled silently at the thought of Logan suddenly becoming the new Jubilee.
“So since when have you wanted to know where I stand?” she asked quietly.
Logan sighed and turned away. “I don’t know. Since you stopped telling me?”
Rogue gave a humorless laugh. “Can I get off the couch now?”
Logan shrugged. “Whatever. You know, you can be mad at me, but I’m pretty damn pissed off at you too. I fucking hate not knowing what the hell is going on, you know that. And there has been some weird crazy shit going on with you lately.”
“So...You have to know all about what’s going on with me, but I get to know nothing about what’s going on with you?” asked Rogue.
“Ain’t that much to know. You on the other hand...I think the Professor would go insane if he even tried to get inside your head.”
Rogue punched Logan hard in the stomach. Logan only grunted. “You’ve got, what, four people in there? And none of them are what I’d call stellar examples of humankind. And if you hit me again I’ll nail you to the floor.”
“It didn’t hurt and you know it. But I wish it had.”
Rogue sighed and sat back down on the couch. Logan sat down next to her. “Here,” he said. “I brought this for you.” He handed her a blanket.
“I’m not cold anymore,” Rogue pushed it away.
“Huh. Yeah, I’ll bet.”
Rogue glared at him. Logan looked at her expectantly. All of a sudden Rogue was on the verge of tears again. And everything she had been keeping to herself over the past few months came bubbling up to the surface, ready to burst out of her.
Logan gave her a lop-sided grin. “Let’s hear it,” he said.
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