Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
They all assumed finding out Stryker and his team were behind of what was done to him would be enough to erase his nightmares. That it would have calmed him, made him somehow easier to understand and handle. That it would have offered some sort of closure to him. It didn’t happen. If possible, he was more wound up than ever before, stalking around, growling and getting on everybody’s nerves. Man who took his past from him was dead, but that hadn’t changed a thing. He still didn’t remember. He still had claws and nightmares. His bone structure still bore Stryker’s mark.
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
There was a reason why he always chose the seediest bar he could find. Once he established his position as a king of the cage, rough crowd usually let him be. No need for polished exterior, small talk and pink paper umbrellas. Just beer, cigar and silent corner. Nobody expected anything from him. No need to lend a helping claw to cutting up some poor shmuck with a bad attitude and overgrown ego. Some days team X made him feel himself as an oversized can opener.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
He didn’t even believe to the cause Xavier and he’s loony bunch fought for. There were times he opted to stay back when X-Men embarked yet to another world rescuing mission. That earned him some disapproving glares and stern command to join the group in the next mission. He didn’t know which was the worst part. Was it that they all assumed he was just a bloodthirsty animal, or was it that they seemed to thought getting shot, beaten or otherwise mangled didn’t hurt because you healed right up. He knew he could have used some tact training and self-restraint, because every time at least one of the X-Men managed to get under his skin, and that usually resulted at least two weeks of hateful words or even trading blows.
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
“Hush. It’s all right. It was just a dream.” One of those nights again. He had woken up screaming his lungs out, and there she had been. Hovering hesitantly at his doorstep, waiting for him to return his senses. He was crushing her fragile form against his shivering body, trying to breathe and force his racing heart to calm down before it quit on him. He hated this. Hated the nightmares. Hated how they made him feel and act. Hated her. Hated himself for hating her, because he really did have no right. Not after she spent so much time restoring his precious sanity.
I don’t want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
He kept wondering how long he could go on before this thing everybody else called everyday life managed to either kill him or make him insane. There were moments when he actually suspected he wasn’t playing with full deck anymore.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
“I’ll never be alright, Marie. Never.” He couldn’t even begin to explain how thin line there was between madness and sanity. Every day he tried. Every day she assured him everything would someday be all right. He hated her optimism, but welcomed it anyway. She wasn’t half as bad as the rest of the crew. And she really believed it when she said he was going to be ok.
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” Warm spray of water cascaded over him, washing away dried blood and sweat. He had clawed himself. Accidentally, he had lied to her quickly. Wall behind his bed was decorated with a spray of blood. While he showered, Marie went and cleaned it up, changing the sheets as well. He hated it. Hated how tables had turned. She was the one taking care of him. Every fucking night that week alone.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight
He wasn’t going to scream. Not now. Never again. So when he woke up, he choked back cry that tried to escape. Claws stretched the skin between his knuckles, but he kept them in check. Not this time. Just as he was sure it was safe to go back to sleep again, he heard it. Bloodcurdling scream, from the room next to his. Marie. Soon after that scream soft footsteps approached his door. He closed his eyes and feigned sleeping when door opened. Now that he was calm enough he could actually smell her tears, hear her heart pounding gazillion times in a minute. Could smell her fear and hurt. Now it was his turn to be strong again, and somehow he knew he could make it. Would make it. For her. For Marie.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Lyrics for the song "Breaking the habit" belong to Linkin Park.