I walk home alone with you
And the mood you're born into
She makes me smile...the way I can make her laugh sometimes, and no one else can. She seems so sad, and I only want to make her happy. I love her, I truly do. If only I could make her understand that.
We are walking back to the mansion from the bus stop now. I rode with her back from college where she is taking night classes so she can help teach at the school during the day. There are black circles under her eyes and I tell her that I am worried about her. She says that she can take care of herself, but when I put my arm around her shoulders, she leans into me, and I can do nothing but be there for her.
I love her: what kind of person would I be if I didn't?
Sometimes you let me in
I take it on the chin
The bus ride is long and lonely. I am cold and alone, but at least tonight the bus is full of people to watch, and listen to. It helps me forget my life to watch others. He's worried about me...well, he should be. I lost the one thing in my life worth having, and it was my fault.
I can take care of myself, I insist. If only that were possible...No one ever leaves me alone. My white-streaked hair falls into my face as I slouch down on the seat. The people behind me are discussing the latest move against mutant rights in the senate. They hate us...I hate us too.
I can't get clean again
I want to know
Can we get clean again?
I hate what we can do- what I have done. To myself, to him, to everyone around me. I've done something horrible, and he doesn't even know.
So he can't forgive me.
The God of Wine comes crashing through
The headlights of a car that
Took you farther than you thought
You'd ever want to go.
You were both drunk...or maybe it was just you who was drunk. He seemed to have a remarkable alcohol retention level. Some kind of after-hours celebration of your doing well on an exam, or something.
Maybe if you had been sober, one of you might have thought to park the car somewhere secluded. Or maybe you wanted to be seen. Anyway, things got a little carried away, and I want you to know that I have no sympathy for you. You deserve whatever pain and confusion you now have in your head.
There's a reason why there is a law against under-age drinking. Perhaps the lawmakers weren't thinking exactly of you when they wrote it, but it kills me to think of how senseless all of this was. It kills me to think that he's gone- and he's in your head. At least you can be with him for all eternity. He's in your head, not mine.
We can't get back again
We can't get back again.
So now there's this shadow cast over me, wherever I go. It might be him, or it might be the feelings I get from people. They don't like me anymore. Maybe they never did. But now I can never be "normal." Now I am even more abnormal than I was before.
Don't worry, he says, I will always be here for you.
I ache. That is all too true.
She takes a drink and then she waits
The alcohol it permeates.
She's getting drunk. Even I admire the valor with which she downs each bottle. It takes longer than before; I used to tease her about her low tolerance. Now I just run my fingers through her hair as she leans back against me, getting more and more sluggish. I can only be strong for her.
She tells me that she's drinking to forget someone. I think I understand.
And soon the cells give way
And cancels out the day.
With so much of him in me, I am surprised that I can even do this anymore. Ounce by ounce my brain gets foggier, whiting-out my pain. But his voice only gets louder. Maybe you should stop, honey.
But I don't want to. I don't think I can. I want to forget someone.
He thinks he understands...but he can't. He doesn't understand anything at all.
I can't keep it all together
I know.
I can't keep it all together.
He thinks that he's still alive. He doesn't know what I did to him, he doesn't remember how he screamed in pain and how I was screaming too, trying to get his hand off of my face.
He doesn't know that I watched him die and felt a part of me die with him, only to be filled with a tainted echo of him.
I need him to forgive me, but he doesn't even know what's wrong.
And the siren's song that is your madness
Holds a truth I can't erase
All alone on your face.
She is collapsed on my bed, crying. I rub circles into her back and whisper my sympathy. She turns to me, and I hate the sight of tears on her face. Suddenly she is no longer lucid and she grabs me by my shoulders and is screaming.
"I KILLED someone! Why can't you understand that? I miss you so much!"
It's okay, I'm right here. I'll never leave you. It's going to be all right.
Every glamorous sunrise
Throws the planets out of line
A star sign out of whack
A fraudulent zodiac.
My life is on the edge. I can't bear to watch this twisted dance anymore. Your haunted eyes screaming for help every time we pass in the halls, and then the faint echo of his voice offering comfort to you, the child. Wasn't it my maturity, my fiery red hair that he loved?
This isn't how it's supposed to be. You're just a little girl. It's tearing me apart.
And the God of Wine is crouched down in my room
You let me down,
I said it.
Now I'm going down
And you're not even around.
I miss him...I miss seeing his face; I miss the feel of his hands through my gloves. I miss feeling him as something tangible. He was the only one who wasn't afraid to touch me, and eventually, it was his demise. I hate that. I hate him for still loving me.
I want to lose myself again, drown out his voice. But I am stuck with him (without him) for the rest of my days.
And I said no,
I can't keep it all together
I know I can't keep it all together.
You are helping teach my class today. You called me Jeanie once, and I thought I would scream. Was it him talking, or you? I heard an echo of his voice in yours and I thought I would scream. But not in front of the children, Jean. Not in front of him.
It's all falling apart, isn't it? Having him there is driving you mad. You want him gone. I can see it in your eyes. I want him back. Well, we all have dreams, don't we?
And there's a memory of a window
Looking through I see you,
Searching for something
I could never give you.
I know she hears me when I ask her if something's wrong, but she just keeps on looking out of the window.
I don't understand. Why am I not enough for her?
I love her, shouldn't that be enough?
And there's someone who understands you
More than I do.
She missed you too; I think she loves you more than I ever have. I can say I'm sorry until I am blue in the face (and I have, believe me), but that means nothing in her eyes.
I think she wouldn't be as frustrated as I am that you don't know the truth. That would probably make her happy. Then the two of you could live happily ever after in your land of denial. But there's the problem.
You love me. And you'll always be in /my/ head, not hers.
A sadness I can't erase,
All alone on your face.
-fin-
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to WhiteShadow (times 2), myLo, my own personal White Queen. I've been writing this for almost two years. Sorry if it wasn't worth it. The POV switches between Wolverine, Rogue and Jean.