She always wondered what people thought when they saw her. Did they see her, really see her? Or did they merely see a pretty face? She knew there were a few who looked at her, really looked at her and saw who she was. Saw the pain she kept locked inside. They knew it was there but they didn't know what to do. Didn't know that there was nothing they could do. Didn't realize that they couldn't help her, couldn't fix her. Oh, they tried to help. They included her, tried to make her a part of the group, but it didn't work. And only she knew why. Only she knew the real reason.
They all thought it was because of her skin, thought she was afraid to hurt them. She was the only one who knew that she didn't join them because she didn't need to. She didn't need love. she didn't need support or companionship any longer. Those needs had died long ago. They had died when HE left. It was him leaving and not returning that had caused her to lock everything away. Oh, it wasn't all his fault. There had been others before him who had abandoned her without a care. Her mother, father, brothers, but she hadn't learned her lesson. She should have learned that if you couldn't trust family, you couldn't trust anyone. But she hadn't.
She'd been stupid, willing to trust him, to trust his promise to protect her. And when he'd left she'd lied to herself. Told herself that he'd be back like he said he would. But he hadn't come, and slowly all the hope she had died. With that hope died everything else. All her trust in mankind died the day she realized that he wasn't coming back. The rest of her emotions she chose kill, smothering the loneliness she felt. She told herself that she didn't need anyone, that she was fine by herself. She hid her broken heart and convinced herself that she hated him, that she had never loved him. That it'd been a whim, a childish fancy, a school girl crush. She had herself so convinced that the day he came home she hid from him in shock.
Shock that he had come back, shock that he had asked about her. But most of all shock about what she felt. All the love, all the hope, all the loneliness she had kept locked away, they all suddenly came rushing over her like a tidal wave and she knew that she couldn't face him casually like she wanted to. Couldn't talk to him with the cool disdain that she spoke to everyone else with. So she hid from him and late that night after everyone was asleep, especially him, she left. She packed a bag, took the bike he had so recently returned and left. And while she left, locking all her other emotions back where they belonged, she wondered.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks once again go to Jenni and Sarah for reading it. And especially to Jenni for editing. This is a stream of consciousness. So it might repeat itself. I just wrote it as it came to mind.