There were times she hated them. Hated the fact that she wasn't like them, never could be like them. She hated them all, some days more than others but the emotion always lay hidden inside her. Waiting, constantly waiting, like a festering boil. Waiting for the day when she finally snapped. The day when she no longer had the control to keep it all bottled up inside. She knew it would come. Knew that someday she would spring like a trap and that when that day came it would be the end. She knew that she would no longer be in control of what she said or what she did. She would no longer be welcome there. She knew they would despise her for who she had become. That they would hate and fear her for letting herself be influenced by others.
She knew she should not take offense when they left a little space around her. When they quickly stepped out of the way when she walked down the hall. She should be past that, she shouldn't let that bother her. But it did, it bothered her a lot and she didn't think she'd ever get over it. She knew she should say something. Speak to the professor, tell him what was bugging her rather than hide it away. But it was easier to bury the feelings deep inside. The growing feelings of disgust and hate, directed at all of them but also directed at herself. It was simpler to just pretend she never noticed, pretend she didn't see the pity and the fear in their eyes.
They didn't think she knew what they were feeling when she looked at them but she did. She did and she hated them for it. It all came back to that one emotion. Hate. Hate was simple, it was easy to hate someone. To be angry at them. Much easier than confronting the problem. Facing the fact that it wasn't their fault they pitied and feared her. It was her own fault. No one but her own. Oh, they tried to tell her differently, they tried to tell her that they didn't pity her, that they didn't fear her, but she knew the truth. She could tell that they lied, tell that they thought they were helping her. They weren't, they were just making the problem worse.
She knew that it wasn't true and while she wanted to believe them, she couldn't. The voices in her mind wouldn't let her. They told her the truth, that she was untouchable, undesirable, unlovable. Every waking moment they whispered in her ear. They were demons, tormenting her, not with lies but with the truth. The truth that she just didn't want to face. The truth, that no one loved her, that no one had ever loved her, that she was dangerous. She was a danger to those she lived with, those who said they loved her, who said they weren't afraid. She knew that one day soon she would hear the last lie and she would not be able to control herself.
That she would hurt them and she would hurt herself, but still she couldn't bring herself to leave. Couldn't bear to leave the only people who had ever made her welcome, who had ever tried to live with her. And if she left where would she go? There was nowhere to go. Nowhere to run. And she didn't want to run. She was tired of running. So she waited. Waited for the day when she finally snapped and she ruined her life and the lives of those around her. And while she was waiting she hated them.
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Jenni and Sarah for reading this and actually liking it. It's kinda dark but I like it too.