Sitting in the darkness Scott sighed angrily, fighting the pain within his chest, fighting the urge to just destroy something. He'd spent the better part of the last week since Alkali Lake trying to ignore everyone but the words Logan had said still haunted him.
"*She made her choice. It was you*," Logan's voice had been steady, laced with pain and Scott had found a wicked delight in that pain. Now though, Logan's pain was the least of his worries. The days dragged by, the nights were spent awake and huddled in a chair in the study because laying in their cold, empty bed was too much. He slept only when his body refused to go any further, and thus he would find some rest although no peace.
"Should have figured you'd be in here," the low growl had Scott tensing before he forced himself to relax.
"Yeah well I live here Logan, where else would I be?" from his tone it was clear that Scott didn't believe that Logan had the right to be at the mansion, a well known, well publicized opinion that wasn't shared by everyone.
"In bed?"
"Yeah, you'd like that wouldn't you. Like knowing I'm slowly dying in that huge expanse of silk and cotton."
Stalking across the room, Logan settled in a chair across from Scott and faced him. The rage still bubbled within him, the anger, and the fear still haunted him but it wasn't over what everyone thought. Taking a drag off his cigar, Logan leaned back in his chair and rested one ankle on his knee, "She loved you."
"I loved her," Scott replied sharply sick of hearing platitudes about his grief, and even sicker at the thought of Logan spouting off how sorry he was that she was gone. (Fuckin' hypocrite.)
"So you gonna spend the rest of your life in that chair or what?"
"Its only been a week since we got back Logan. Seven days, one hundred sixty eight hours.."
"Yeah I know. I can count," Logan snarled angrily. As much as he loved getting Scott's goat, he also respected the man not that he would ever admit to it. Whether Scott liked it or not he needed a sharp reminder that he had a life that required him to be an active participant. "And every day is the same for you. You hide your pain, wallow in it in the dark and let it control you."
"Oh like you're much better? You walk around in a daze, growling, and snarling at everyone except Rogue whom you avoid like she's got the plague.."
"Leave her outta this asshole," the low snarl and the familiar shriek of metal on metal was enough to halt Scott for a moment.
"Don't tell me to get over it. I lost my wife. What did you lose huh? The only link to your past? The object of your fantasies? Jean was mine!" Scott snarled waving the half empty tumbler of whiskey at Logan like some weapon to be brandished. "That's something you never really understood, or accepted."
Popping the top off his beer, Logan took a long drink then grinned at the other man. "Yes she was, in as much as a person can belong to another. I miss her, I'll admit it.."
"Just remember who's girl she was."
"She was as much a pansy ass as you are. There is only person in this mausoleum that could even understand who I am, who has the strength to be with me and that will never happen."
"Oh yeah, we all know you like being alone."
"Don't see me crying my eyes out do you? You don't see me going without sleep, or acting like some zombie. Ignoring the efforts of those that care about me to pull me back from the brink of self destruction unlike you!" Logan shot back quickly before exhaling sharply.
"No that's the norm for you Logan, if you were to do anything else it would be a shock to us."
Resisting the urge to push nine inches of adamantium through Scott's gut, Logan shifted and turned to stare out the window into the darkness. None of the mansion's residents knew, or even understood what Logan had discovered in the jet when she had been sucked out, what had been solidified, clarified within the bowels of that lab. Knowing that Jean was dead hurt but not enough for him to ever change who he was. Sure he'd lusted after her, lusted after a woman who was the exact opposite of what he wanted and he'd made no attempt to hide that but it wasn't the focus of his life.
"You don't like me do you?" Logan spoke gruffly, knowing that there wasn't much he could do to change the man's opinion.
"No, far as I'm concerned you could leave and never come back and it wouldn't bother me in the least."
A twist of his lips was the only shift in his _expression as Logan turned to look at the man across from him, "You have no idea who I am. What I am. You made a judgement based on a self protective streak and you haven't changed it in the least. Now you hide behind it, use it as an excuse to wallow in your misery, in your holier than thou attitude but you know what? You ain't got nothing to complain about bub. Not one damn thing because you've got the memories to fall back on! You can close yourself up in your room and touch the physical reminders of Jean's presence. You can wrap yourself up in memories and have that little slice of the past at any time," Rising sharply Logan stalked toward the door headed for the Danger Room to workout only to freeze at the subtle snort from Scott.
"Your `pity me I was experimented on' attitude is rather tiring Logan."
Crushing his cigar out Logan turned back to Scott and shrugged, "I have my past. I found out what I needed to know, why do you think I came back?"
"Because this is where Jean was!"
"No," Logan shook his head and jerked the door open catching the faint but distinct scent that drifted toward him, one he could pick out of a room full of people so easily one that turned him inside out. "No, that ain't why I came back at all. When you figure that out, when you understand why I came back, who drew me back then you'll get it. Because I know exactly how you feel Scott, right down to the insane urge to just destroy everything and everyone that she's touched. The only difference is that I know my misery will never fade, yours will."
Closing the door Logan stalked down the hallway, heading for the lift. Stepping into it he pushed down and waited, welcoming the sinking sensation that came from that first few seconds of the mechanics of the elevator working.
Stepping out into the dimly lit corridor he made his way to the heavy steel doors engraved with an X and pushed the code Xavier had given him into the panel. The moment the doors swung open he stepped in and let them slide shut slowly behind him.
"Computer, run Marie simulation," he said and smiled as the room shifted, becoming better lit and he was in the one place he could be whole. He knew beyond a doubt that noone in this mausoleum would ever understand his need for a young woman like her, no one would ever see the price he paid daily just to be in the same building as she was. No one but her, the reason he never let her get to close.
"Hello Logan," the soft sweetly accented voice drew a grin as he moved through the program, stopping next to a tall, weathered pine tree and watched the familiar figure stretching out in a pair of biking shorts and tank top, her streaked hair pulled back in a pony tail and a happy grin on her face.
"Hey darlin', you ready for this?" he asked softly as he pushed aside all dark thoughts, instead focusing on the dream he was in.
"I'm always ready for you Logan. You should know that by now!"
With a chuckle Logan dropped the empty beer bottle and cracked his neck welcoming the wash of emotion as the program really kicked in and he could feel the warmth of the touch before him. A touch he knew he'd never get to feel anywhere but in this room.
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