Scent of coffee and pancakes wafted from the kitchen when she finally felt good enough to step off from the shower. She put on a bathrobe and followed the scent, sitting and digging in to a plate of pancakes Logan shoved in front of her. She ate mechanically, not even tasting what she put in her mouth. She didn’t want to eat, but her body needed the fuel. She resisted the urge to leave when Logan sat opposite her and started eating.
They ate in silence. To casual observer it would have been appeared to be a completely normal breakfast, but he had to fight to get each and every mouthful down. Temptation to back off, to take back every word he had said weighed on his shoulders. It would have been easy. Just to apologize and tell her that he’d been wrong.
He put his fork down and opened his mouth to say the words when angry flash from her eyes stilled him.
“Don’t you dare to apologize. You started this. We’ll talk this through even if it killed both of us…” She growled.
“That’s the thing… I… We started this at the wrong moment. I was already looking for a fight. I don’t want to throw away everything we have just because I made a mistake.”
“You can’t hog all the blame to yourself. You don’t have to. I don’t want you to blame yourself on everything. It’s not normal. It’s not healthy.”
“But I know that I was being an asshole…”
“Just shut it and listen. You keep taking the blame every time something goes wrong. Even if it’s something that’s my fault you find a way to turn it look like it’s yours. It’s not good for you. It’s not good for us. I’m afraid that one day you’re going to look back and realize that life would be much more easier and simpler if it were just you, by yourself.”
“Simpler? Easier? Marie…”
“I don’t want to wake up one fine morning only to found out that you hate me. I don’t want to keep guessing whether today is the day you finally get enough and skewer me.”
“Hating you? Skewer… Marie! Stop!”
“Listen to yourself for a while. Skewer you? It would be easier for me to gut myself than even cut a fucking hair from your head. You’re probably the only reason I’m still sane, let alone alive. Do you have any idea how much it hurts me to know that you think that I could harm you?” He spoke with a hushed tone, forced words out from his throat that felt awfully dry and raspy. His eyes were itching, like he had gotten sand in there.
“But if you really think that way, maybe it’s better if I move in to barracks. Give you some space. I’ll be leaving soon, anyway…” His chest hurt. Every word sliced through him like a dagger. But if it were what she wanted, what she needed, he’d do it.
“And… I don’t have to come back. I was coming back for you, but if it’s easier for you without me… Of course it is, what the fuck am I rambling… You don’t have to be afraid of me anymore. I don’t have to come back if you don’t want me to.”
It was impossible to continue eating. He shoved the plate away. It fell to the floor, splattering pancakes and shards of ceramic everywhere. Marie just sat there, staring at him with a blank look on her face.
“Didn’t you hear me? I said that I wouldn’t come back if that’s what you want. I’ll… I’ll find a way to disappear. This house is yours; I’ll make sure that they don’t throw you out. Or you can go back to the farm. Live with Sam. Or…”
“I don’t want you to go.”
“Or you could buy an apartment from the settlement. I have… I have some money stashed away, I think… I think it will be enough if… If…” He stood up and started pacing. He couldn’t look at her anymore.
“Logan, I don’t want you to go.”
“And if you want to stay here, I’m sure that… I’m sure that they can find something for you to do…” He clamped a palm over his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut. His heart was working on overtime, pounding at his temples. There was something wet flowing down his cheeks.
“Logan! Look at me!”
“No.”
“Logan!”
“No. I’ll go and pack my things. I’ll be out of here soon. Don’t worry…” He fumbled his way out of the kitchen blindly. He couldn’t look at her. If he was ever going to leave from here, he had to do it now.
He was pulling out his shirts from the closet and throwing them in to a battered backpack when Marie barged in, taking the shirts from him and throwing them back in to the closet and slamming the door shut.
“You’re not going anywhere.”
“But Marie, I…”
She did the only thing that came in to her mind that would stop him. She grabbed him, pushed him against the wall and took his lips to a hard, almost punishing kiss, sucking, nibbling and biting his lower lip until she could taste the blood.
“I don’t want you to leave.”
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