*No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
And no one knows
What it's like to be hated
To be fated to telling only lies*
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He'd avoided everyone for the first few days afterward, the kids had always given him a wide berth to be honest but it was the staff now who shuddered as he passed. As if his presence made them remember how much of an animal he really 'was'.
Sure he sat with the rest of them, ate in silence while all the while he sensed their fear of him, their scent's filling the room with fear until he nearly choked on it.
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*But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free*
***************************
Sleep, that was his only freedom, thing was he was raiding the med bay just to get that. He was sure the amounts of stuff he was taking would kill anyone else, he'd hidden the empty bottles from everyone but he knew they suspected something. But they wouldn't face him down about it, not after what he'd done for them, killed for them, destroyed for them. They *owed* him and they knew it, thing was it was slowly turning into hatred for him, that they'd been so weak not to be able to do it themselves. Exactly why he was here he didn't know anymore, so he'd just dose up on a bottle and drift through the nightmare of killing her again.
**********************************************************
*No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like i do, and i blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through*
***************************
Even the kid seemed to avoid him, her skin was safe now but she still avoided touching him. He'd never avoided her even when she could've killed him with a glancing blow. He needed *someone*, something to hang onto, something he could call his own and he'd worked it out in the thing that passed for a mind in his metal plated skull. She *owed* him, more than anyone Marie *owed* him, he needed her to touch him. It hurt him to see her eyes fill with fear when he came near her, but he never called her on it. He just choked it down and tried to smile while inside he was screaming at her to touch him, hold him, help him. Once she could have seen his need, but now she was so far away from him he wondered if she'd ever understood what she took from him. Before her he'd never cared about anyone, after she'd wormed her way into him she'd left the door open for others. Now he was lost in all their wants and he had a set of lost brown eyes to blame for it all.
**********************************************************
*Discover l.i.m.p. say it [x4]
No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes
No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies*
**************************
Everyone knew what he'd done, every kid as soon as their clothes were unpacked had been told about him. It was a ritual of sorts and each time it happened he withdrew a little more from their world. Locking down, expecting to find fear everywhere he went and finding it in every face. If he could kill Jean, the woman he loved.....then was anyone safe around him? Now that Xavier couldn't enter his head and stop him, he was a loaded gun just waiting for someone to pull the trigger.
He was hollow, waiting for someone to just touch him, reach out to him. The truth is that he needed someone, anyone, just an anchor to the world he was in. But everyone had pulled away, left him alone, what was there left here anymore?
No one noticed his tears that fell in silence as he walked through them, no one even looked his way anymore, he was a ghost, a living reminder of death. A walking pariah, a leper who's touch was worse than Rogues had ever been. He'd always been this, he'd never covered up the truth of him, they'd accepted it when it was pointed at someone else. When it had been one of their own.....well he knew what that had done to everything.
**********************************************************
*No one knows what its like
To be the bad man, to be the sad man
Behind blue eyes.*
************************************
Funnily enough it had been Marie who'd found him, splayed out on the grass, his body cut to ribbons, his skin pale and cold. They'd put it down to Sabertooth coming back but she'd seen the cuts, they'd been clean, not ragged. Watched as he'd cried into the rain that fell from the skies onto his body. Her scream echoing out across the playgrounds alerting someone to his plight, they'd come at last. But when they'd got to him he was almost gone, guilt had laid on their faces, everyone of them that had seen his large bulky form suddenly limp and powerless. They'd known, they'd done this to him, driven him out until there had been nothing left in him.
Even her.
She'd stayed with him, every day, over the weeks it took him to recover. She stayed, never moved. When Bobby came and ranted at her, screamed at her to come with him to get away from the death Logan was.....she refused. She'd done this, she'd caused this pain, this slide into oblivion.
When he woke up she didn't smile, she didn't do anything but shift him over in his bed and climb up next to him. Arms that had always been empty wrapped around her, she'd whispered to his heart 'Ah'm so sorry.' It wasn't enough, it'd never be enough but it was a start.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Ever wondered what it's like to *be* Logan?