I feel like I'm drowning here. Everything I try to do, everything I try to accomplish is tainted by the wanting. Nothing is good enough, nothing makes the yearning go away. I'm not seventeen, damn it, I'm seventeen going on two hundred, three hundred, I can't even add it all up. I have all these memories that aren't my own, desires that aren't my own, but the one that drives me insane is the desire that is entirely mine.
I want him. I want him like a woman wants a man, not as a protector, not as a guardian. As a man, a lover, a companion. I want to consume him completely. I cling desperately to that part of him in my mind, nurture it, trap it. It is my lifeline, my only refuge and respite from the outside world. From the failed efforts to control my skin, to join the rest of the world. From Bobby and adolescent romance. No one understands, and that's fine...but I can't stay here anymore.
It's fine they don't understand, I do mean that. But what they think it means is just too much. I'm not going crazy, I'm not deeply depressed. I've grown up too fast, seen and known too much too soon. My childhood is gone, but I've accepted that now. I knew the moment I kissed Cody that my life as I had known it was over, that my carefree days were gone. I've had a long time to come to terms with that, and I have.
If only the rest of them could.
Because I don't see Bobby as attractive anymore, I must still be clinging to that schoolgirl crush on Logan. Wrong. I tried to see Bobby romantically as my one last test of myself, my one last effort at being seventeen. He's everything a normal seventeen year old girl would want.
But I'm not seventeen, and I'm not normal.
I want manly and wounded, fierce and possessive, passionate and vulnerable. I want Logan. I know him better than anyone, I know more about him than he does. But what does he do? He pines for Jean, he tries to prove himself to a ghost.
I smoke now, a desperate attempt to get a little more time with Logan. Pathetic really, and now I can't seem to kick the habit. Just means I'll have to be sure to steal a few packs before I take off.
I've thought about whether I should leave a note, let them know I'm leaving...Should I ask permission, maybe get a bike out of the deal? But I know better – they'd never let me leave. I'm too dangerous, too unstable.
Bull.
They don't understand me at all, they aren't willing to understand me. Because if they admit that I've lost my childhood, that I look at the world with the eyes of a jaded adult, they'll have to concede failure. They'll have to admit that even sticking me in a room with two of the most immature mutants in the place wasn't enough to take the shadows from my eyes, to give me back my chance at being young.
I don't miss it, so why do they?
The shadows call me again. I think I'll go answer.
-- end --
Exodus, Evanescence
My black backpack's stuffed with broken dreams
Twenty bucks should get me through the week
Never said a word of discontentment
Fought it a thousand times but now
I'm leaving home
[CHORUS:]
Here in the shadows, I'm safe, I'm free
I've nowhere else to go but
I cannot stay where I don't belong
Two months pass by and it's getting cold
I know I'm not lost, I'm just alone
But I won't cry, I won't give up, I can't go back now
Waking up is knowing who you really are...
[Chorus]
In the shadows, I'm safe, I'm free
I've nowhere else to go but
I cannot stay here, oh...
Show me the shadow where true meaning lies...
So much more is made in empty eyes...
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Yeah, family gatherings usually yield depression. Can you tell? Right now this is a stand alone, but feedback is persuasive.