I am no Superman
I have no answers for you
I am no hero, oh, that's for sure
But I do know one thing,
It's where you go, is where I belong
Where you are... is where I wanna be...
I didn't know what to do when Chuck's lead didn't pan out.
Don't get me wrong, there was an abandoned military complex near Alkali lake, right where he said it'd be, there just wasn't nothing 'bout me in any of those damn files I went through.
So I didn't know what to do.
I know now I shoulda turned tail and headed right back to Westchester, but, like someone somewhere once said, 'hindsight is 20/20', and I had no clue what a mistake I was making by staying on the road.
Marie... she was still so young back then. Still just a kid, in the beginning at least. You could see it in the way she moved and talked, and the way she looked up at you through those long lashes...
Still just a kid, but I was willing to wait. I thought I had time, time enough to find out who I actually was, so I'd have something to offer her when she was ready. I thought I had time... right up until the day I left I thought I had time - and I would have if things had gone differently, but there's that hindsight thing again, and the day I left was also the first time I saw her since the Statue of Liberty (being as how it was also the day I woke up from the coma I'd been in since then).
I remember just looking at her, taking in all the changes that absorbing Magneto and I had made to her. The way she walked, spoke, even the way she just stood there, looking up at me... it was all different. She was older, and... calmer, then she'd been before. And I thought maybe I didn't have that time after all.
That was when she said she didn't want me to go, and her big brown eyes widened as she shuffled her feet, looking every bit like a deer caught in the headlights... and looking every bit like the kid she still was. And I knew she wasn't ready, though I realized she soon would be. But she wasn't yet, and I still had the time I needed to get myself straightened out.
So I left, and I left the tags with her, and I promised her I'd be back.
I shoulda gone back. I know that now. But I just... I just got to thinkin' 'bout stuff. I just got to thinkin' 'bout how maybe she might be ready now, but how maybe... maybe I wasn't.
I mean, my whole plan was to go and find my past with this lead that Chuck basically dropped right in my lap, which was better than anything I'd found in years, then go back to Westchester, wait till Marie was ready, then ask her if she wanted to go somewhere with me, maybe to see some land that I woulda found that belonged to me or something. And then we could have the chance to get to know each other better. Or, well, me to know her since I figure she knows a lot about me already what with having me in her head and all, but I could tell her about the real me, my life, from all the stuff I woulda found.
That was the plan. Only thing was, there was no stuff, no life, no land, not even a last name. Hell, I don't even know my real first name. Just took the name of the first town I came to that sounded remotely fitting.
So I couldn't go back yet. How could I have convinced her to go with me? I had nothing. I had *less* than nothing, and she was gonna need more than that. So I couldn't go back.
But hey, I gave her the tags, she knew I'd be back, so I figured it'd be okay to take a little longer. Just a little...
I started fightin' again to make ends meet, lookin' for clues like I usedta do in the beginning, when I'd first woken up in the snow all those years ago, and the days... they started blending together as time passed by. First a little, than a lot, but I didn't notice as I got lost in between.
I didn't notice, not until I sat down at the bar one night and saw a woman with two white streaks in her hair throwing one back a few seats away.
She cocked her brow at me and stood up, and I threw down some money before following her out the door. Once outside, she just kept on walkin', and I threw out the first thing that came to my mind.
"You runnin' again?" I called, only to be caught off guard by her almost careless reply. Never stop? Marie was many things, but careless wasn't one of'em.
Or it hadn't been, at least. But the girl... *woman*, that turned around to face me was not the same Marie I had left in Westchester.
I remember that conversation so clearly. How confused I was in the beginning, how caught off guard by the obvious changes in the woman in front of me. To learn it'd been six years - six *years* - since I'd last set eyes on her... And everything that had happened in those six years...
The idea of it was almost too much to take. Especially when she really let loose, and told me exactly what my suddenly pathetic-sounding need to prove myself had cost her.
I hadn't been prepared for that. Not even the littlest bit, and I could feel the instinct that demanded a quick escape creep up on me - unfortunately, she noticed it too, and that set off another pained and angry rant.
"You wanna go, Logan? Be my guest. I shoulda known it would be too much for you. Go on, take the easy way out. Go back to the bar and pick up your babe of the evening." She said with a laugh that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, before she added, "I knew I got that from you."
And that just pissed me off. She was *my* girl. I'd given her the tags, I thought we'd had an understanding. Looking back now, there was a slight change in her scent that I should've caught, but I was too worked up to notice. The way she challenged me... I was brave enough. It was never a question of bravery. I didn't care about her skin, about the extra care it would entail. It was a simple fact and I just knew we'd deal with it when it happened, nothing more than that. But it wasn't even the question of bravery that rattled me, it was the way she said it. So... venomous. So hateful. This wasn't the girl I left behind.
"What happened to you?" I'd finally asked her, forcing the words past my suddenly closed throat, not able to do anything else but stare.
She'd sighed a little, and seemed to slump as she spoke, and I could see hints of the girl she'd been, the innocence she'd had - though she'd already lost a lotta that by the time I'd left her.
I still remember how I felt when I heard I'd almost lost her. Punched in the gut can't even begin to describe it, especially considering - in my case at least, the guy doing the punching feels it a helluva lot more than I do. I couldn't get over it. Here I'd been, wasting years searching for my past so I'd have something to offer her, when I could've lost her all that time ago and never even known it. It was almost too much to think about, and it took me less than a second to decide what I wanted to do now. What she told me next only strengthened that resolve.
When she said she was leaving, I told her I was coming with her and somehow found the right words to make her give me a chance. She gave me five minutes, and I knew she meant it. I also knew I wasn't about to screw this up all over again, not now that I knew what I wanted, what was best.
I waited till she'd turned to walk away before jogging back to the bar, letting the bartender know I was leaving and collecting my winnings for the night in record time. Striding outside with my pack over my shoulder, I grabbed my bike and rolled it towards Marie... *Rogue*'s truck, hearing the ignition turn on a second before my bike hit the bed in the back.
It was sort of a shock to *know* she would've left if I hadn't made it out in time, but it also reaffirmed how much I needed to fix what I'd fucked up. I actually stumbled over her name just after I got into the truck, unused -or unwilling, to call her by that damn codename. 'Specially if she wasn't gonna return the favour.
Not that I wanted her to.
I'd like to say that things got better right away. The idea that she'd kept the part of me she'd had in her head made me certainly more hopeful then... well, really then I'd ever been. I was never what you'd call optimistic, but hearing that... knowing that... It made things seem not as impossible as I thought they were.
Still, it was slow going to say the least.
It was a switch at first. Me sitting in the passenger seat, not sure what to say. Her just driving along, not minding the silence a bit. Quite a change.
We didn't talk, not really. There wasn't much to say at first. What else could be said on top of some of the things I'd learned in the past little while? We just both needed time to think. We'd always been like that, both of us. Or I'd been, and she'd picked it up from me. At least some things don't change.
It took us a while to get to Alaska, and we were on slightly better terms by then. Being stuck in a small space for an indeterminate amount of time with someone else will do that to you, trust me.
It was rough going at first, though not as rough as it could have been considering I made cash quick cage fightin' and she made it even quicker with those poker games of hers. I know I laughed the first time she told me 'bout it, but watching that girl work over a buncha men is definitely a sight to see.
We found ourselves a place soon after. Or, she found herself a place, and I came along. She still wasn't too keen on assuming I was there in any permanent way. She was wary, and I didn't blame her, 'specially since I noticed the effort she was making with all of this.
Every once in a while we would talk a bit about Westchester. Nothing major, not at first. Mostly the small stuff, the first year she spent there with me gone, nothing that came before or afterwards. She just wasn't ready, and we were still settling in together.
For all of our progress, we had a few minor setbacks as well.
I learned pretty early on that the biggest thing that I'd hafta prove to Marie was that I'd always come back after I went somewhere. Even if it were just into town for some supplies. She just didn't think I'd come back, no matter how much I told her I would. After all, I'd told her that the last time too.
So I'd leave my bike at the cabin, and take the truck into town when I went. It worked pretty well, after the first time at least. That damn first time nearly ruined everything.
I'd been going into town to get groceries and shit, and she'd asked when I was gonna be back. I gave her a time (nine), swore I'd be here, and went on my way. And everything would've been fine if it hadn't fucking snowed while I'd been gone.
With the traffic jam that followed, I hadn't made it back till close to eleven, and I'll never forget how there just wasn't a *sound* when I came in the door.
She was laying curled up on the couch, head down, eyes closed, the scent of her tears still hanging in the air as I entered the room, moving immediately to kneel at her side.
"Rogue," I said, shaking the cushion slightly, "I'm back."
Her eyes had snapped open at the sound of my voice and she just stared up at me for the longest time, almost like she didn't know who I was. Or why I was there.
"Marie, baby, I'm here. I'm back. I came back. It's different this time, I swear." I said, leaning towards her. I reached out, only to have her sit up and surround herself in an old blanket, avoiding my grasp.
"Rogue." She stated evenly, and I heard myself repeat it numbly.
"Rogue." I agreed, even as I wished I didn't have to, continuing on in a hopeless rush, "Listen, there was a traffic jam cuz of all the snow. That's why I wasn't back when I said I'd be. But I'm back now, I promise. Only a little late."
I knew it'd been the wrong thing to say even as the words came out, but she just looked over at me with the saddest damn smile I've ever seen.
"Only a little late." She echoed, and I just closed my eyes. I was only a little late with everything, it seemed. Everything since I'd met her. And here I was, using it as a fucking excuse while trying to make it up to her.
"I'm back, Rogue." I said again, and she looked at me for a moment with those expressive eyes of hers that were just *empty* right then, before standing up.
"Okay." She said with a nod, "I'm going to bed." And I didn't know what to say, so I watched her go, adding that day to my mental pile of things I needed to fix with her, wondering how I ever expected to earn her trust back if I kept fucking up every chance she gave.
I thought she'd wanna come with me the next time for sure, but she surprised me yet again. She just stood there when I said I was going in for a while, and asked if I'd be back in a few hours. I told her I would, and asked if she wanted to come along.
She shook her head though, a little, hard smile on her face. "I've decided I wanna trust you again." She said quietly, "And it ain't gonna happen if I follow you around. Just promise you'll come back." She finished, and I looked her in the eye and swore it up and down until only the slightest hesitance remained on her face and she practically shoved me out the door.
That was definitely the start of something better.
When I got back, I found her sitting on the couch and I dropped down beside her in time to catch the smile that appeared and disappeared almost too fast to see. Then I'd looked right at her and said the words I'd been practicing in the car all the way home.
"I'm goin' out again tomorrow, Rogue." I started, and she just frowned a little and nodded. "Only for a little while," I continued, and she rolled her eyes.
"Okay, I get it, I'm not your keeper." She muttered, and I grabbed her hands, forcing the words out before I lost my temper and we were back to that face-off outside the bar all those weeks ago.
"I'm going out, Rogue. You don't get it, so listen up. I'm going out tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. And I'll be home soon after tomorrow, and the next day and the next. And I'm gonna keep goin' out, even if it's just down the fucking road until you know without a doubt that I'll be coming home every single time. Got it?"
She'd just looked up at me with wide-eyes, looking more like she used to then she had in all the time we'd been together, though I couldn't tell if it was cuz of my tone or the fact that I was actually touchin' her for the first time in over six years. To tell you the truth, it was a little startlin' to me too... but the silk of her gloves was soft in my palms as we stared at each other, and I only let go when she pulled them slowly back from my grasp, a calmer expression on her face.
"Okay?" I'd asked again, my voice gruff and strange in the momentary quiet that seemed to have surrounded us. She'd blinked and nodded, favouring me with a small, slightly nervous, but actually genuine smile.
"Okay." She'd agreed, and that had been the start of something good.
Something good, that got even better, after a while. But not before another slight mishap.
It was the middle of the night when the scream woke me, and I was up and running before she had the chance to draw another breath. I got to her side and froze, not sure what to do. I wanted to grab her arms, but she wore only a thin tank top in sleep and I couldn't touch her without getting her skin. Maybe that was why she did it, but it didn't do any good right now.
I placed one hand on the top of her head and nudged her as gently as I could, not sure what to expect when she woke up.
Landing flat on my back with her bare hands on my throat hadn't even crossed my mind, but the last thing I saw before her skin pushed me into unconsciousness was the look of horror on her face as the sleep cleared from her eyes.
When I opened my eyes again, she was huddled on her bed, a blanket wrapped tightly around her shoulders as she stared down at me. When she noticed I was awake, I was favoured with a glare. "You're an idiot." She said roughly, and I could only respond with a groan.
"And you still pack a helluva punch, darlin'" I muttered as I sat up, one hand rubbing the back of my neck as I turned bleary eyes on her - only to freeze at the sight in front of me.
She was sitting on the bed, blanket tight around her, hair spilling everywhere... but all that I'd noticed before. No, what made me momentarily forget... well, just about everything, was the sight of the thin silver chain draped around her slender neck, the tag I knew hung from the end of it hidden under the top of her tank top.
My tags. She hadn't had them on that night outside the bar all those weeks ago, and I'd just assumed they were long gone, another casualty of my failure.
But she'd had it. She'd had it all along... somewhere. And now she was wearing it again.
Why?
Not that I was complainin', mind you. But she definitely hadn't worn it to bed.
Slowly dragging my eyes up to hers, I'd immediately noticed how tense she was as she met my gaze, almost daring me to make a big deal outta it.
"Lookin' good, darlin'," I finally said, unable to look away as I tried to figure out what had happened. She didn't say a word and I let out a sigh, "I'm an idiot, huh?"
"Big idiot." She said with a jerky nod of her head, and I almost let out a chuckle at just how cute she looked with all that hair floppin' around.
"Gonna tell me why?" I asked cautiously, sobering instantly at the sight of tears in her eyes.
She seemed to gather herself for a moment, expression twisting as I watched the thoughts play across it. "You really think I care about your last name?" She asked finally, and my heart just dropped as I realized the implications of those simple words.
She'd seen inside my head again. For the first time in six years, she knew everything all over again. And- wait. What was she saying now?
"-property, or anything like that. I never needed that. You really thought I did? I was on my own for eight months after being thrown out of my house, Logan. You were nice to me, gave me a ride, fed me, seemed to care about me... you were a fucking *god* to me at first!" She exclaimed, bunching the blankets in her fists as she really got going, "And then I touched you, and knew you, and you weren't a god anymore, you were just a man. Except there wasn't any 'just' about it, Logan. Cuz after that... after that was when you went after me, and promised you'd take care of me. After that was when you fought for me and nearly died saving my goddamned life, touching me even when you knew what it would do. After that was when you gave me these, and promised you'd be back for... for *me*. I knew it was for me," She murmured, one hand moving up to touch the tags as she stared at me for another moment before dropping her gaze.
"After that was when I realized how much I meant to the man who didn't care about anything. You really think I needed property deeds and birth certificates before I'd let you in my life?" She asked, and now she just sounded sad, "Don't you know how much a part of me you are? Literally, even. Don't you know that's why it hurt so bad? I-" She started, cutting herself off abruptly as it seemed she'd just realized exactly what she was saying. I hardly even noticed the slip though, her words had set me reeling and it took me a minute to recover enough to speak, but even then I didn't know what to say. Words never had been my strong suit, after all.
"Rogue, I..." I started, then stopped, at a loss. Her words kept repeating themselves over and over again in my head until the only thing I could think of was why hadn't I thought of it before? I'd known she'd had a crush on me, woulda figured it out even if Jean hadn't said as much. But I thought she hadn't known, *couldn't* have really known me... but maybe... maybe she'd known better then anyone else ever could.
Maybe I was the one who hadn't known her.
"I'm an idiot." I muttered, hanging my head, still trying to figure it all out.
Her face softened slightly as her eyes gleamed, and she reached forwards to run her fingers voluntarily down the side of my face, and I realized that she'd also put on gloves while I'd been out. "Big idiot." She agreed gruffly before giving me a gentle push, "Now go to sleep, I'm tired." She mumbled, and I didn't ask about what had brought me into her room in the first place. She'd tell me when she was ready, she'd made that perfectly clear a long time ago.
Slipping as quietly as I could from her room, I fell asleep that night barely daring to believe what I thought was a tentative new understanding between us.
In the morning, she was still wearing the tag, and when I went for my daily hike around the woods, she came with, and everything was more relaxed. It only got better over the next few days, and we only got closer too. I think it gave her closure, or something like that, to finally be able to completely understand why things had played out the way they had between us. Though, the next time we went to town, the first thing she bought was one of those hanging calendars...
But yeah. We've been getting closer... and then came last night.
We'd been sitting on the couch again, warmed by the crackling fireplace, in the middle of a not-so-serious game of poker. I think she liked playing that with me cuz with my enhanced senses, it was actually a challenge for her. I didn't much care what the reason was, it was time with her and that made it fine by me.
I'd called her bluff and she'd been shuffling the cards again while I chewed absently on a cigar, when she just stopped and looked at me for a moment before setting the deck down and coming over to my side. I raised an eyebrow and cocked my head in her direction, pulling the cigar from my mouth as I watched her chew on her lip. "You had enough, darlin'?" I asked, wondering about the sudden change in mood, "Somethin' on yer mind?"
She nodded a little before crawling carefully into my lap, and I wrapped my arms around her right away, relishing the feel of her against me as I did so. She'd been letting down her guard against touchin' more and more lately, and I couldn't get enough of it, no matter how chaste it'd been so far.
Wrapping her own arms around me, she rested her head on my shoulder for a moment before pulling back only far enough to be able to look me in the eye. And it was just one silent moment later that everything I'd wanted fell into place.
"I trust you." She whispered, almost too quiet for even me to hear, but there was no way I woulda ever missed her saying those words, not when I once thought I'd never get to hear'em from her at all.
I couldn't help it, I burst out the first thing I could think of as soon as I remember how to talk, "I love you." I heard myself say, and a wide smile broke out across her face.
"That too," She added with a wink, and I pulled her scarf up over her lips and leaned in to kiss her as slow and sweet as I knew how. She responded eagerly, wrapping her arms tighter around me and practically melting against me as I deepened the kiss, my hands moving into her hair.
We broke apart only to catch our breath and I buried my face in the silk of the scarf still around her neck, "Rogue..." I murmured into the material, and she ran her fingers through my hair.
"Marie," She whispered tentatively, and I leaned back to see her face, "You can call me Marie... if ya want..." She whispered, and I pulled her back against me, whispering her true name over and over as I planted kisses everywhere from her forehead to her collarbone, only holding her tighter as she started to tremble in my arms.
We made love right there on that couch, not wanting to separate long enough to make it upstairs. Her skin barely made a difference as we explored each other, and her whispered admission as I entered her, that there'd been no one else, only made me hold her closer. Sliding inside her sweet warmth, I'd kissed her passionately before telling her it was all new to me too. I watched her eyes soften as she caught my meaning, and then there were no more words as we moved together in the firelight.
We couldn't get enough of each other that night, and it was only as the last embers died out that we curled together and held on tight, whispering quietly to each other.
And there, in the darkness, pressed as close as we could get with only a thin blanket between us, she finally told me the whole story, of everything that had happened to her. I held her tight in my arms as she let it all out, grateful to whatever it was that finally let her feel safe enough with me to do that. I held her close as she shook and cried, swearing I'd never leave her again, and thinking that maybe, this time, she just might believe me.
And I knew it was the truth. I knew I never would be able to leave her side again. I'd been with her, and I'd been without her, and after all this time of travellin' and searchin'... I finally knew where I belonged.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
This is a Logan POV companion piece and sequel for my story Scratching The Surface, if you haven't read it yet, I recommend reading it before you read this one. Hope you guys like it :) This is also my very first time writing from Logan's POV, so I hope I didn't screw it up too badly. ;) Thanks to Heather and Taryn for all their wonderful feedback, and thank you to everyone who gave me such sweet feedback on 'I'm Not Missing You' as well.