A small flame of hope still burns within me
Hope is what keeps us alive, keeps us human. That small flame is alternately battered and shored up with the trials, tests and triumphs life brings us. That's normal.
I thought it died the day I packed my meager belongings and wrapped in layers of clothes left the only home I'd known.
But it was rekindled when a lonely gruff man, against his better judgment, helped me out.
And faded a bit when I learned there was no cure for my mutation.
It was almost extinguished in the hands of a madman who moved metal.
It flared brighter than it ever had when Logan offered up his life for mine.
It wavered the day Logan left, but still burned brightly because he promised that he'd be back.
It flickered dangerously the day Xavier took me to court and was officially named my guardian. Not that my parents objected at all. Never called or sent a letter just mailed the papers relinquishing their parental rights. As if I were nothing. As if sixteen years had meant nothing.
Xavier let me cry on his knees that night and offered me his last name when I asked to have my name officially changed to Rogue. Xavier fortified hope with the promise that I would always have a home here.
But it fails a bit, even here among other mutants, with every flinch from my shrouded touch.
It weakens with every letter and package that Logan sends with no return address.
And my hope dies a bit with every year that passes and he doesn't come home.
I'm afraid of what will happen to me when it goes out completely.
He hasn't forgotten his promise entirely. I get regular post cards, but no return addresses. And Christmas and my birthday never pass without a package arriving. He even paid for me to go to college. No small amount either. Tuition, books, fees, and a private room for four years at Georgetown are not even remotely cheap. The Professor didn't tell me until I was preparing to graduate ( Second in my class thank you very much) that Logan was the source of my "private scholarship." I don't want to know how he came up with that much money and although I have a few ideas, there is no way I'll ever ask him. Even if I could track him down to ask.
He didn't come to see me graduate, but Scott and Jean and the Professor and the rest of the X-Men came. So I put on a happy face and tried to ignore that my heart was breaking because he wasn't there.
I put the tape on the last box and handed it to Scott to take out to the car. I checked the room over once more for anything I might have left behind, but there was nothing here to mark my passage and for some reason, that suddenly seemed very, very wrong.
I grabbed my knife, a gift from Logan, it arrived a week after I was accepted into Georgetown and set about making a mark. An irrational, unreasonable act of vandalism, something, ever so small, just to say Rogue Xavier was here and she was somebody. Somebody worth remembering.
The knife had given me some hope because when it arrived I knew that Logan was at least keeping tabs on me, keeping his promise to a certain extent, because there was a note in the box in his definitive boxy hand: "Congratulations on Georgetown. Have One-Eye teach you to use this before you go. Be home soon. Logan." Soon. That was four years ago. The man has a funny concept of soon.
I finished my carving and sat back on my heels to admire my handiwork and reflect on things. I did that a lot. Sat, reflected. Didn't ever come to any great earth shattering conclusions or gain any great insight into the world or the human / mutant condition, but I did it anyway. Sometimes it helps just to be still.
I'm heading back to the mansion now. To join the team and teach and try to pay back Xavier for giving me a name, a home and a future when I had nothing. To make a mark, even if it's only in the lives of a few scared kids that the world would rather throw away.
I turned twenty-two this week.
It's been an interesting year. Kitty and Peter got married. Jubilee got married too, and moved to Massachusetts to - of all things - start an orphanage/school for mutants who manifested very young. Scott and Jean had a little girl - named her Madeline. Sucky name, but she's beautiful. We've had a few new additions. Hank McCoy joined us as our new doctor; since Jean has her hands full with the new baby and her speaking engagements for Mutant Rights and Ororo brought home a stray of her own. A thief from New Orleans named Remy. He talks about himself in the third person and flirts with me (and anyone else in a skirt) excessively, but it's all talk.
I've still got Bobby. My best bud and partner in crime. We joined the faculty here at Mutant High. He's teaching Math and I'm teaching English now. It's kinda scary. It feels like only yesterday that we were terrorizing the faculty and students of Mutant High with our practical jokes. Now we're the teachers and a part of the regular team fighting evil-doers everywhere. Weird. Doesn't mean the pranks are over - not by a long shot. Cyke is just too hard to resist.
Logan sent me a beautiful new cloak. Hand embroidered and made of the softest wool I've ever felt. I wrapped myself in it and fell asleep, soaking it with my tears.
I feel so old.
Twenty five candles stare back at me today.
Bobby is here as always, but this year he is joined by his wife, Anne. She's beautiful and he looks really happy. I glad for him. We need to carve out some normalcy in these wacked out lives we lead. Can't be all foiling plots for world domination, plowing bigots and rescuing lost and broken kids all the time.
I plaster a smile on my face and ooh and aah over the cake with pink icing sitting in front of me, trying not to notice how it's lopsided, because the youngest girls made it "all by themselves." But I have to fight back the tears as I blow out the candles and made the same wish I do every year.
I closed my bedroom door behind me. Logan's box arrived two days ago and sits unopened on my bed, like it does every year. I waited until now to open it, hoping that I'd get my wish and he'd be here to watch me open it.
Hope died this week.
Not that it had been fairing too well lately anyway.
The last few months have been particularly hard. With Anne, Jean, and Kitty all giving birth within a couple of weeks of each other, the mansion has been Baby Central. They've all been real good about it. Kitty came practically shoved Natalie in my arms, which I really appreciated because I was afraid that, like when Madeline was born, no one would let me hold the babies.
But holding other people's babies isn't the same. Especially when you know that you'll never have anyone look at you the way Peter looked at Kitty in the delivery room, never hold a baby of your own, never get married, or, at the rate I'm going, not even have a date... which brings me to Storm's wedding. A finalist in the 'how much can my life suck' contest.
I was in the bridal party, of course. Because everyone always made a point to include me in these things. I guess they thought they were helping, but it only drove home just how different I was.
The wedding itself wasn't too bad; if you excluded the massive hangover I was sporting and the whole garter thing - where I was the oldest one out there by a good 7 years. Thank god I didn't catch it. The bridesmaids dresses weren't too ugly and I could wear the silk gloves again.
The problem was that with all the new baby and wedding planning no one remembered my birthday, which happened to fall on the same weekend. I know. I know. I'm twenty-nine years old. I shouldn't get all pissy over people forgetting my birthday. But I did, and I do, because, well, it's my birthday and I'm not going to get any of those other things like baby showers and bridal showers and weddings and anniversaries and what not. My birthday's all I got.
And everybody forgot.
Everybody.
Including Logan.
I dragged myself through the weekend; smiling so hard that I thought my teeth would break and retired to my room with bottles of Jack Daniels and proceeded to drink and cry until I passed out.
I waited, well... wallowed, to see if anyone remembered, or if Logan's package was just delayed in the mail. He always sent it with plenty of time, but I hadn't heard from him in a couple of months and Logan was known for going places where mail could be spotty at best. I still have the blood stained card the Red Cross delivered to me from Afghanistan on my mirror. What he was doing in Afghanistan he didn't say. Just "Hope you're well. Be home soon. Miss you, Logan." If Logan ever drags his mangy ass back here Miss Rogue is going to have him write the definition of 'soon' a thousand times.
So I waited. Spent the time constructively too - can't you just feel the sarcasm. I pounded the crap out of the heavy bag in the gym, calling it every name I could think of. And I've got lots of languages to choose from. Thank you Erik and Logan. I scared some of the younger kids, but I was too mad to care. When I was tired and sweaty I went to my room and cry and drink. Sometimes more crying sometimes more drinking but somewhere in the middle of my crying and drinking I began to worry that something happened to him, that the military had gotten to him, or he was hurt. I spend a lot of time alone and I have a really fertile imagination, especially fueled by his nightmares and Erik's life.
I lasted a week before I broke down crying in Xavier's office, sobbing about how Logan forgot my birthday and 'please please, please go use Cerebro and make sure he's okay' and Xavier apologized ("it was unforgivable Rogue I am so sorry" yada... yada... yada...) for forgetting my birthday and then calmly flipped through his rolodex, and wrote a phone number on a slip of paper in that elegant handwriting of his.
I don't even remember what Xavier said me because I'd gone numb. Just numb. The bastard had a regular phone number and hadn't called me, or written me, or bothered to remember my birthday. I wandered out of Xavier's office ignoring his calls and blocking his telepathic hails.
Somewhere in the back of my mind it registered that it was raining and I had no coat, but it didn't seem to filter through or at least didn't result in any action. I stood there, too numb to cry, to overwhelmed to yell. All I could do was stand in the rain and cry.
Scott dragged me back inside sometime later. And either he has a death wish, or he's wearing gloves because I'm standing in my shower shivering and he's stripping my cold soggy clothes off me. I don't have the energy to object.
Scott put me to bed and I stayed for a week. The Professor must have told the children I was sick because when Scott brought me meals, which I didn't touch, there was always a pile of Get Well Soon cards and pictures from the students. Scott hung them up around my room and tried to coax me out of bed or to eat, but I wasn't moving.
There wasn't any point.
After a few days I started reflecting. You know the whole taking stock of your life, putting things into perspective and all that crap. You know what I learned? I learned that I am a miserable empty shell of a mutant. My life consists of classes and training and dishing out the occasional ass kicking, which as twisted as it sounds, is the highlight of my life. I have a history and literature degree that Logan paid a pretty penny for and I use it to teach middle and high school English. I haven't been on a date in ages and there don't seem to be any prospects on the horizon and, except for my kick ass leather uniform, my wardrobe looks like the Spinster Teacher From Hell put it together.
I actually own a cardigan. And it's pink.
I am pathetic.
Logan wasn't coming home today, or tomorrow, or next week. Xavier had known where he was all along. He wasn't searching for his past, or hurt, or missing his memory, or being tortured by sicko government scientists He wasn't coming back because he didn't want to.
Little girls believe in True Love, Prince Charming, Happily Ever After, and all that crap. Reality is those things don't exist. They're just load of crap we feed to little girls because the truth is too much for them to take that young.
Truth is you're on your own.
Scott came back up with breakfast the next morning, but I was already dressed and stretching for my morning run. He asked if I wanted company, which I politely refused, and with a wink and a smile dashed off, leaving a somewhat stunned Cyclops staring at my dresser, the dog tags I hadn't removed in 10 years, lying there.
I'd given Logan more than ten years of my life and he wasn't getting a minute more.
Fuck... fuck... fuck. I didn't mean to miss her birthday. I never miss her birthday. Never. No matter where I am or what I'm doing I never miss Christmas or her birthday. I've slogged through jungles and war zones, threatened postal clerks, customs agents, and even a warlord, to make sure she got her presents on time, and this year, in the midst of making the finishing touches on Xavier's Mutant Underground Railroad so I could come home, I forgot.
I promised myself I'd give her time to grow up, get an education, get her feet under her, let her live a little before coming back to explain what she'd done for me that night. How she'd given me my life back. How she'd shown me death and I realized it held no appeal for me.
Chuck always said she was happy and doing well when I called. He'd even sent me pictures from holidays, birthdays, graduations, and even some vacation photos with Marie in a bikini. That one was in my wallet.
I'd started home twice. The first time I stopped because Chuck told me about Georgetown and even I knew how big a deal that was. The second was when she graduated. I was there to see her accept her diploma, but then some old guy who got up to talk and he started going on and on about how this was the start of their lives and they needed to go out and make a mark, make a difference and it started me thinking. I know, me thinking. Funny. But I started thinking that I didn't know what I wanted in going back. I hadn't thought beyond telling her what she did for me that night. Sure she'd been a frequent visitor I my dreams and they weren't little girl thoughts, either. But she was the kind of girl that deserved patience, fidelity, and forever; things I am uniquely unsuitable to provide.
So I ran again. Agreed to help Chuck with this whole underground thing, but the road held no more appeal to me. I was ready to come back, ready to join the team, fight the good fight, see what Marie and I could work out if anything. Then Xavier called and hearing him tell me how she'd shut down had me slamming down the phone and heading cross country before I knew what hit me.
I am a changed woman. And it feels great.
New haircut. New wardrobe. I found a salon in the city that caters to mutants and got my first manicure and pedicure. I even have a date - a guy I know from Georgetown that I ran into picking up a new student. He's with the DA's office. Cute. Knows I'm a mutant. Asked me out anyway. Life is good.
"Did hell freeze over and everybody forgot to tell me?" Because that can be the only reason I came home from my date to find Logan lounging on my bed as if he'd rode out those gates only yesterday, not ten years ago.
"No." I'm a bit puzzled. Chuck said she'd closed up and refused to leave her room and here she is coming in at 2:30 in the morning, in a short skirt, with a man's scent on her. What the hell? "Where have you been?"
"None of your business," Rogue snapped, slamming her purse down on her desk. "Why are you here?"
"I told you I'd come back."
I am not going to yell. Yelling and crying are what a child still hung up on him would do. That's it. Calmly sit down and take off your make-up.
"I'm sorry I missed your birthday." I'm not sure what else to say.
"Not a biggie." I almost bit my tongue on that one. Didn't think I could lie that well. Apparently I don't, given the look on Logan's face.
"Dammit Marie, I just don't know what to do here."
"Thank you for Georgetown, Logan. I will find a way to pay you back."
Now that just made me angry. "I don't want you to pay me back. That's not why I did it."
"Why did you?"
"I promised to take care of you."
"I don't need you to take care of me, Logan. I've done just fine on my own. Now if you'll excuse me - I have class in the morning."
"I just got here-"
Judging by the way the bones of my jaw are attempting to re-knit themselves and the way my dog tags just hit my chest, that was the wrong thing to say.
I went to see if Chuck had any beer in this mutant freak show of his. Obviously the fates hate me, because Scooter walked in as I was rummaging through the fridge. I guess I have to be nice to him. He did train Marie and has kept an eye out for her while I've been gone and I am going to be living here now. Teaching of all things.
"Logan."
"Scott." If he was surprised I called him by his name he had the good grace, or self-preservation instinct, not to make a smart ass comment. Although the one he came up with wasn't much better.
"You took them back."
I looked around for a second not understanding what he was getting at, before dropping my gaze to my chest where my tags now lay. "No, she threw them at me."
"Aah"
"Wanna clue me in One-Eye. It's been a long day."
"I'm just surprised. Jean's had to stitch around them." Scott shrugged. "Maybe she finally grew up."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"Grew up. Got over you. She really believed you were coming home."
"I did come home."
"Too bad it was too late."
Bastard.
I stuck around. It's been about a year, I guess. A little scary, but it has its benefits. Food's good, place is warm, and we have ESPN. I also get to beat up on anti-mutant bigots or psycho mutants intent on taking over the world, or at least the local court house, once a week or so. Scooter's around to annoy. And I got plenty of ammo now with those two little rug rats hanging off him all the time. Doesn't seem to faze him any though, just smiles and makes some crack about how it'll be me someday. Over my dead and rotting corpse.
Then there was Marie, who was both a plus and the cause for the heavy bag being replaced on a regular basis. She won't talk to me beyond 'pass the rolls' and "are you finished with that." She's datin' that guy Jeff. Seems nice enough. Sends her flowers and comes to pick her up. I make sure I'm in the living room when he comes to pick her up. Not threatening or glowering or anything, just there. Looking out or her. Part of me wishing I was the reason for that beaming smile on her face when she comes down the stairs.
I broke up with Jeff tonight. It wasn't working. I like him. I really do. He's smart and funny and handsome and always treated me really nice. He wanted to sleep with me, too. Had a plan and everything. I turned him down. Bizarre. You would think that someone who can't touch skin to skin wouldn't turn down a willing and interested partner, but I did. He wasn't fazed at all. Just said whenever I was ready.
But something inside me still said it wasn't right. He wasn't The One. I know. I thought I'd given up on all that True Love crap too, but obviously I need to be kicked in the head a few more times to get the point.
Kicked in the head is right. Dating sucks. I think I was happier sitting in my room pining for Logan.
Logan. I just don't get him. I mean, I've been punishing him for months. I think I have perfected the cold shoulder and the silent treatment. And you know what? I feel like a worm. Because every time I'm cold or rude to him he just takes it. Like he deserves it.
But he doesn't. He kept his promise. He took me someplace safe, arranged for me to go to college, kept tabs on me. Even now, while I'm being a complete bitch to him, he's there for me; hovering in the background when my dates come to collect me, waiting up to see that I get home safely. Always right beside me, watching out for me, on missions. As if I were most important.
And I punished him with my silence and my glares and outright hostility. I wasn't being fair. I was punishing him for being him and I realized I didn't want to be this person. It was time to forgive him.
I washed my face to get rid of the tell-tale tear tracks, and headed down stairs stopping by the fridge to grab a couple of beers. Handing him one of the ice cold brews, I sat beside him to watch the hockey game.
She never talked about why she broke it off with Jeff. In fact, she never mentioned Jeff at all or any of the other losers that rotated through here in the last two months. She asked me this morning if I'd take her to some book thing in the city. It really isn't my kinda thing. She usually does that stuff with Ororo, or the guys she dates. Then I realized I hadn't seen guys in a while. I asked, but all I got was a shrug and a "You wanna go or not?". I went. Who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?
We're sittin' on the couch. Marie's all curled up next to me. The game's pretty lame and I think she's fallin' asleep. I kinda like that. Her feelin' safe enough to sleep next to me. We fall asleep like this a lot, coming downstairs after the nightmares wake us, and wake up in the morning when the hoards of screaming kids come barreling down the stairs. I'd like to wake up next to her everyday in our own bed, but I think I blew any chance at that with the ten year vanishing act.
Right now though I got a problem. Her birthday's next week and after last year's total fuck-up it has to be a good one. Problem is, I haven't a clue. My first idea was season tickets for the Rangers. That's an 'us' gift though. Even I - barbarian that I am, knows that's not an appropriate Marie birthday gift. Then I thought about a vacation, but that's an 'us' thing too. So I'm gonna do something real unmanly and ask. Marie's a straight shooter. I ask, she'll tell, I'll go get. All will be right in our world.
Unfortunately, the world decided to interfere right then and it was two more days before I could ask. If I'd known the path this particular conversation was going to follow, I'd have made sure we weren't in the middle of the Auger Inn when I brought it up.
Thirty. I turn thirty next week. I'll officially be old. Single, with no prospects. I'm not lonely. Not really. I have Logan, but I watched all the babies and toddlers at the mansion and I wanted one of my own. Being Aunt Rogue was nice, but I wanted to be Mama.
I'd talked to Hank and he figured it'd be safe enough. In vitro, c-section, pump breast milk, we could keep the risks low. Baby still might inherit my skin, but I'd learned to live with it, they could too. I could do this. But if I was going to do this, I wanted it to be with Logan. I trusted him and, as Hank pointed out when we discussed getting a donor, Logan has good genes. I wasn't getting any younger and, well considering my lifestyle, if I was serious about this, I really couldn't afford to wait. I just had to figure out how to ask.
I couldn't be this lucky. Standing in the middle of the pool hall, Logan asked what I wanted for my birthday. I made a beautiful bank shot (if I do say so myself) dropping the eleven in the side and the fourteen in the corner before answering. "A baby."
I never thought I'd see the day when the Wolverine snorted beer out his nose.
"A what!" He's kinda cute sputtering and looking around to see of anyone just saw him do that.
"A baby."
"With me?" I need another fucking drink.
"Yes. You won't have to touch me. Hank can take care of everything in the lab."
"Hell no!"
"Is that no -a no 'I have no other suggestion' or no, 'pick someone else'?"
She's asking me to father her child. To make a little boy or girl with her big brown eyes... I was still fixated on images of playing ball and of little girls with Marie's big brown eyes that I almost missed the next part of her 'plan'.
"You don't have to have anything to do with it once it's born."
"No fuckin' way." Logan bellowed, slamming down his pool cue.
"Why not? I'm not asking you for a commitment or anything. Just a little help."
"I can't believe you just asked me that! What - Who do you think I am?" The lab thing that I could understand, her being afraid of touching and all, but not being a part of my child's life... but I really didn't think she expected me to abandon my own child.
"This is something I want, Logan . I thought... You're my best friend and..."
This is something - everything I wanted too. Marie. A family of my own. I'm man enough to admit to being jealous of Scooter. I teased him mercilessly, but I wanted what he had. With Marie. She was partway there, I just prayed she wouldn't balk at my terms. "Fine. I'll do it."
"Thank you-"
I cut her off. "Two conditions."
"Conditions?" Something in his tone and the look in his eye told me to be very, very wary right now. Logan was used to winning and this was something I didn't think I could afford to lose. "I don't think you're allowed to put conditions on a gift."
"Yeah. Well this one's a little out of the ordinary, don't you think?"
He had me there.
"Two conditions." Deep breath. "One - we do this the old fashioned way."
"But, my skin..."
"I have some ideas." Well, she hasn't walked out yet. That's a good sign, but that eyebrow is telling me she's wondering how long I've been thinking about having sex with her. "And two - " I paused. This was the one she was going to freak over, but there was no way in hell I was going to let a child of ours grow up without a father - without me as its father. "We - we raise the baby together as - as a family."
This wasn't going the way I thought. He was lousy dad material. He couldn't stay in one place for more than a few weeks at a time - a traitorous little voice reminded me that he'd been here a year already and wasn't showing any signs of leaving. Even so, I doubted he could handle being there day in day out for eighteen years. On the other hand, he won't try to take my baby away from me and there are plenty of other men around the mansion that will pinch hit on daddy detail when Logan bolts on us and when my son or daughter asks I can honestly say I loved their father. Even if he doesn't love me.
"Fine." Happy Birthday to me.
One minute, I'm shooting pool with my best friend, the next I'm standing outside her bedroom door about to embark on a baby deal. I have lost my mind.
She's nervous. Can smell it though her door. Bit surprised by that. I mean it was her idea, why is she nervous? She dated that one guy for a while. Musta been sleepin' with him. I mean I wouldn'ta waited four months to have sex with a girl. Never mind that as pretty as Marie if we were datin'. Anyway at least I don't have to deal with that. That might make me nervous.
Hell, I'm already nervous. This is like a major gift after the way I fucked up before. I think I'm getting all the good luck I've stored up from doing the 'good mutant' thing for the last 10 years. God knows it could be the only explanation for me getting something this good.
He knocked. I think that's kinda cute. We're getting ready to try to make a baby and he's knocking on my door for permission to come in. Can this get any more bizarre? Sure it can. One thing you can always count on in Xavier's Wonderful World of Mutants is that the bizarre can always get worse. "How are we gonna do this?" Shit. I didn't mean for it to come out like that. Wish I were Kitty and could just fall through the floor right now.
Shit. The nervous scent is really strong now and her heart's poundin' really hard. "You in a hurry?" Just gonna back this up. I don't want her scared of me. That's not a good way to start somethin' this important.
"Yes... No... uh... I mean... this is going to be weird."
"Only if you let it, darlin'."
"Right."
"You got one of those body-stockings in that mess you call a closet."
I nodded since I couldn't trust my voice at this moment.
Give her a smile. Hope it's reassuring, not wolfish. Don't want to scare her. Musta worked cause she's smilin' back.
"Gimme a sec."
I think she just winked at me.
Things are gonna be just fine.
He is waiting in there for me. To have sex. With me. If this weren't so incredibly unreal it would be a dream come true. 10 years ago I'd have been standing here simply in awe. Who am I kidding? I'm still in awe. I mean 1 - sex - I mean with deadly skin, I'd kinda given up hope on that one and 2 -Logan - multiple life-savage Logan. That's what girl's fantasies are made of, right?
But this isn't fantasy or fairy tale. And I'm not an impressionable romantic teenager. This is a deal, a means to an end.
Next year, I'll be holding a baby in my arms. That's worth anything.
Even my heart breaking when he walks away again.
I was surprised to find that she was still a virgin. You just don't run into too many thirty-year-old virgins in this day and age. I mean the skin wasn't that hard to get around: scarf, body-stocking, gloves, and condom. Sabotaged condom. We do have a deal.
But I knew as she dropped off to sleep in my arms that I couldn't give her up. The universe had dropped a gift in my lap and, while I wasn't the smartest guy on the planet, I was smart enough to know that you didn't thumb your nose at that.
Dammit, I'm not gonna get breakfast. I need breakfast. Next time, remember to set the blasted alarm. Remember. HA. This morning was the farthest thing from your mind last night, wasn't it? Did you consider much? Anything? Like how weird things were going to be this morning? Like what you're going to tell your teammates?
"What are you doing, kid?"
Kid? Something rot his brain? "I have a class to teach in - Oh my God," Marie shrieked pulling her shirt over her head, "Five minutes."
Logan leaned back in the bed, his arms folded behind his head. "Cancel it."
Grr... Dammed shoe. "I cannot cancel class to- " she waved her hand in the general direction of the bed Logan was currently sprawled across.
Logan smirked and reached for her.
Marie dismissed her last class of the day and headed for her room, hoping to avoid Scott who would, no doubt, wish to discuss the unannounced cancellation of all her morning classes. She had a headache and was cranky from lack of sleep. Maybe I have enough time for a nap before dinner, she opened the door to her room and stopped short. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Trying to find room for my stuff," Logan replied easily. "Christ Marie -how many clothes you got?" I'm asking cause I shoved all my stuff into 2 sea bags and I can't find room for it in either of her closets, or the dresser. And I'm not even going to discuss the bathroom.
"You have your own room."
I probably should've mentioned moving in before starting. It might have given me a clue that we weren't on the same page.
"Yeah."
"Then go back to it. " Waving her hands wildly, she gestured at my bags, "And take all that with you."
"What?!"
"You have the super hearing. Take your stuff back to your room. You are not moving in here."
"Why not?"
"'Cause."
If that's the best she can come up with, that college education cost me way too much. "'Cause why?"
"'Cause I don't want you in here?"
"Don't want...!" I'm yelling, but I don't care. She's pissing me off. "You change your mind Marie? 'Cause it would've been nice for you to fuckin' tell me." I didn't think she would. I mean, she sounded really sure this was what she wanted and I know dammed well that she enjoyed last night.
"No, I did not change my mind. And don't yell at me."
This calm thing she's got going on is just making me madder, but I can do this. Deep breath. "How are we gonna make a baby with me living down the fucking hall, Marie?" Okay. Not great, but I kept the volume down and the question only had one swear word in it.
"You go back to and sleep in your own room."
"What makes you think I'd go along with that?" There's no way in hell I'm sneaking around like that with her.
Marie tapped the side of her head and looked confused. "It's what you always do."
"Christ Marie. Those memories are more than ten years old and those women - they... I ... this is different."
"Logan, I don't want everyone to know, to be all in our business and that's exactly what's going to happen if you move in here."
She said it as if the two of us having sex is a big secret. Smirking would not be good right now. She'd surely break my jaw again for smirking. "Darlin', everybody in the mansion already knows what we were up to last night. You were a bit loud. Besides, if this works it's gonna be kinda hard to hide."
"I'll deal with that when I have to."
"We'll deal with that now."
"We wouldn't have to deal with anything, if you'd agreed to my original proposal."
"Well, I didn't."
Everything in his body language screamed immovable and Rogue knew that was exactly what he was. "Why are you doing this to me, Logan?" Marie whined.
"I'm not going to sneak around, Marie." Like we could really sneak around in a house with thin walls, more than a hundred nosey kids, and the world's most powerful telepath.
Little head tilt. Chewing on her lower lip. She looks like she's considering it. "Fine. I'll make room for you."
"Fine."
That fine didn't sound fine, but I'll take what I can get.
It was obvious he and Marie weren't on the same wavelength about this if the whole moving in thing was an indication. And things weren't likely to get any better since, other than the word 'fine,' she hadn't spoken to him since beginning to make room for his things.
It was Friday, so dinner was pizza on the floor of the rec room with a movie blaring in the background. Logan had never been so thankful for the crowd of noisy hormonal teenagers as he was that night. The noise level meant that they could avoid the questions of they teammates. A fact for which Logan was eminently grateful, because he wouldn't have had a clue what to tell them other than that he loved her. And no one, including Marie, was likely to believe that.
Her birthday's tomorrow and I still needed a present. She asked for a baby, but that's as much for me as it is for her. And scary as it is, I'm really looking forward to being a dad. Go figure. So I've braved the mall with Jubilee and her kids. Her baby has a thing about screaming when he's put in the stroller and grabbing my sideburns when I pick him up to give my ears a break. Obviously, when Marie and my baby is born, the muttonchops are gonna have to go. Sticky fingers and facial hair just do not go together.
Jubilee's not being much help on the birthday front either. She wanted me to buy Marie this new set of biker leathers, which normally would be a great idea, but with any luck Marie won't be able to wear them soon, not that I can tell Jubilee that. Marie made me promise not to say anything about our 'arrangement' (her term - not mine). I think she's afraid the rest of them will disapprove or something. I've seen how weird Jeannie gets when Marie's around the babies: hovering, ready to snatch them away at the very hint of potential skin contact. Marie knows it too and she always looks a little sad. Jeannie just better not say anything to Marie. I'd hate to have to kill her.
"Mommy - mommy puppies!"
"Look at the puppies Kyle, aren't they cute. Can you say puppy?"
I growled. Couldn't help it. This trip had already taken three hours too long and I knew I wasn't getting out of Puppy Hell anytime soon, cause Jubilee had put Kyle down in front of the pen next to Jonathan, the talking wonder. Kid hasn't shut up since we put him in the car. I know where he gets that from. Jubilee hasn't shut up either.
"We're wasting time."
Jubilee ignored me and went back to cooing and trying to get Kyle to say 'puppy.' When exactly I became ignorable I'm not sure. I do know that I don't like it.
"What about a puppy, Logan?"
Not a bad idea. Marie's powers don't work on animals so she could touch it without the gloves. And dogs are better than cats. They can be trained and could guard Marie and the baby when I'm not around. After three hours, Jubilee finally came up with a winner.
"If I'm I gonna get her a dog, she needs a real dog, not one of those scrawny rat things."
Jubilee must knows I won't kill her in front of her kids, 'cause she just laughed at me and said we needed to go to the pound.
Have I mentioned how much I hate the pound? All that noise and the smells and those damn cages. It was like something out of a nightmare. It didn't take too long though. I found the right dog right off; little brown and black bundle of fur, with feet about three times too big for his little body. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere else in the world other than that cage. I can sympathize. He came right to me. All the other dogs backed up and growled, but this little guy came right up to me. I know the present's supposed to be for Marie, but hey, we're living together now while we're workin' on the baby thing and if I have any say about it I ain't leavin', so I'd better like the beast too.
The girl said he'd get pretty big, which was good. Nobody's afraid of those little yippy things. Jubilee didn't agree, but I knew this was the dog for us.
I thought only teenaged girls squealed like that. But Marie let out a squeal that would do any of the kids proud when I put the puppy on our bed this morning. She hugged him so hard I was afraid he wouldn't be able to breathe. And then I couldn't breathe because I had an armful and mouthful of Marie.
Logan wearily climbed the stairs to their room. All he wanted right now was a hot shower and Marie. He'd been sent to pick up a new student and been too late. The FOH got him first and all Logan could do was bury him in the woods near the place he's called home for twelve years.
He smelled Marie's tears before he was halfway up the stairs and his heart stopped. Marie never cries. Ever. Well not since the train when we first met. Even when Creed broke her arm and sliced her up she didn't cry.
Logan opened the door with his heart in his throat. She was curled up on the bed, clutching Max to her chest, crying as if her world was over. "Marie, darlin,' what's wrong?"
Even with his hearing, he could barely make out the words over her sobbing. "It didn't work."
"What didn't work, baby? I'm not following you."
"No baby"
"Huh?"
"No baby. There - There - There's no baby."
I gotta hold her and kiss her. No laughing, though. Not now. Not while she's upset like this. "Hey it's okay," little smile for her to let her know everything was gonna be just fine. "Even couples who don't have our um... unusual restrictions take a while to conceive."
"I thought. I mean we were - like all the time."
"Look at me. Give it some time. Okay? We'll keep trying."
"I just-"
"I know." That little sniffle's pathetic. She looks so small, so lost right now. I gotta fix this. "Hey? Your back hurt?" Cause her back usually hurts when she gets her period.
"Yeah."
"Come on. I'll run you a bath and then give you a back rub. Okay?"
Marie swiped the tears from her eyes and with another sniffle gave him a small nod and allowed him to lead her away.
"That's it! The last fuckin' straw! That beast has got to go! Now!"
"Logan, calm down. He's just a baby. Logan, please." I'm beyond calm and she knows it, 'cause she's edging toward the door clutching that cigar-chewing monster to her chest as if I'd rip him from her arms and cut him up into little pieces.
Which I just might.
"They were Cubans, Marie. "
"Stop whining, Logan and put your claws away. You are not going to carve up my dog."
That dammed dog was oblivious to the glare I was shooting it. Instead the mangy beast squirmed and licked Marie's face, as if I wasn't standing a few feet away snarling at him. I slid the claws back in and sighed. I won't carve up the little beast, no matter how much I'd like to because the smile on her face and the giggle coming out of her are worth a few torn up cigars. Maybe. But - "I am not whining."
"Right."
This puppy thing has been really stressful for him and I really haven't helped much fussing over Max the way I have. With the toys and letting him sleep at the foot of the bed and all. I thought Logan would have a stroke when I brought him into the bed that first night. I couldn't just let him cry in the box in the corner. Not that Logan said a word; he just glared, and put a pillow over his face. I made it up to him though. Not that that particular activity improved my chances of getting pregnant. Can always count on soothing Logan with sex. It's been two months and I've already learned that one. That, and a whole lot more. The man is definitely talented. And creative. And right now he's pouting. Excuse me brooding. The Wolverine does not pout. Yeah right.
"Feel better?"
Mocking. She's actually mocking me.
"That animal has taken over our lives, Marie. He chews up anything he can get hold of. He takes up half the bed and I'm always tripping over his toys. Toys, Marie. News flash, darlin'. He's a dog. A mangy, smelly, shedding, sock-chewing, bed-hogging, boot-chewing dog."
"Finished?"
Uh oh. I don't like that tone. I've heard her use this one with a student; one who'd just had a temper tantrum and cussed her out. She stood there and took it. Asked if he was finished in that deceptively clam voice and then gave this street-smart kid a lecture on manners that made everybody squirm. Including me. I think I'm about to get the same treatment.
"Yeah."
"If Max upsets you off that much, you don't have to stay here. You do still have a room of your own."
Oh shit. "Marie, I-"
"I'm not finished."
Ooh I really don't like this tone.
"Is this what you're going to be like with a baby, Logan? They take over your life too. They're smelly and loud and, yes, they have toys that get tripped over and..."
"I get it Marie. I just..."
"Just what?"
"I didn't expect him to be this destructive. He's gonna grow out of this right?"
Marie's anger vanished in a flash and she smiled soothingly. He was trying. The noise and the smell had to be murder on his senses. And the dog was awfully destructive. "Maybe I have been a bit soft." Ooh that eyebrow's agitating. "Okay a lot soft, but he's so cute."
The dog and I are learning to live together. Marie I'm considering killing and hiding the body somewhere.
I've already learned one thing: don't tell her it isn't a big deal. It took two hours for her to stop crying after I said yesterday. It's been four months with no luck and she's getting moodier and more obsessed every day.
Now, I think she's gone over the edge.
Completely and totally over the edge.
I knew she was upset about not getting pregnant right away, but this is insane.
She bought a book.
I think I'm going to start hiding in the garage.
I swear; if I see another thermometer I'm gonna... no wait calm. I am an adult. I can handle this.
I'm in the garage again. And no, I'm not hiding. I'm just making sure I'm available to help students with their Mechanics classes and to do practice drives with the ones trying to get their licenses. I'm the practical choice, right? Healing factor. Nerves of steel.
Okay. I'm hiding.
I love her so much it's scary, but she's gone nuts. With the thermometers and calendars and the diet stuff she's threatening to suck the fun out of this. The book says she'll just get worse when she actually gets pregnant.
Maybe Chuck can get me a lead on my past.
"Look!"
Marie shoved a little plastic thing in my face. I'm working on my bike so I should be forgiven for not realizing what Marie was talking about right away. "What's that?" I thought it was a fair question. I was doing the Man-Focus thing on my bike. She's lucky I acknowledged her at all, right? Wrong. Then I took a good look at her and the light dawned. She's smiling. Smiling. Oh. Oh! "It worked?"
"Uh huh."
"You're really pregnant?"
Rogue smirked at him. "Yes I am."
I didn't think I could love her any more than I did, but wow. She's pregnant. With my baby.
I need to sit down.
"Logan, are you all right?"
"Sure 'Oro. Why wouldn't I be?"
"You're fidgeting."
Oh yeah, I guess I am. That and I'm grinning ear to ear. I can't wait for Marie to tell everybody. I'm gonna be a father. But as dinner was cleared, and dessert was served, Marie made no announcement. In fact, she said nothing at all, sitting there silently, picking at her piece of lemon meringue pie. And I'll admit I'm confused. Stuff like this is always announced at dinner. I thought she's do it too. Well, maybe she's afraid something'll happen like when Ororo lost the baby. I can understand that, I guess, but she's gotta tell Scooter cause she can't stay on the team or work out in the Danger Room anymore and everybody's gonna know then.
Marie didn't say a word. As dessert was being cleared, Logan couldn't take it anymore and leaned over, whispering in her ear. "Do you want me to do it? Cause I will. I just thought... well..." Usually the women made those announcements and I didn't want to step all over a Woman Thing. That could get me in major trouble.
"No," Marie hissed. "Can we discuss this later."
Later. That just doesn't sound good.
Slamming the bedroom door behind us was a good indication that I was pissed. "What the hell was that about? Why didn't you tell everybody?" My glare should be her second clue. It's the good one that sends mutant teenagers running for their lives, but has zero effect on the woman who shares my bed and is carrying my child.
"None of their business." Actually, Logan, I'm a chicken. A big fat -well soon to be fat - chicken who simply doesn't have the guts to stand up at the dinner table and announce that I - a thirty year old single, white mutant is having a baby with a man who will likely pack up and leave at the first bout of colic. Oh god. I really didn't think this out too well.
"Were you planning on keeping it a secret?"
"No. No... umm... I just need a little time."
Yeah I can see why she'd want a bit more time and how tough telling everybody will be for her. The rest of them don't really approve of us sleeping together. Nobody's actually said anything, except Scooter and he's an asshole. Probably will be an asshole about this too. "You're gonna haveta tell Scott now, darlin'. So he can reorganize the teams."
Crap. I forgot about that. So much for keeping this quiet until I figured out what to tell everyone. They've all been real quiet about the two of us being together. Not saying anything outright, but not enthusiastic either. Except Scott. He doesn't approve - thinks Logan'll just break my heart again. He's probably right. Either way, he's gonna flip when he hears about this. "I'll talk to Scott and Xavier in the morning."
"I don't have class until 9. We can do it right after breakfast."
"Logan, I can do this by myself."
By herself?! No fucking way. But I know at least this about Marie... yelling at her won't get me what I want. Might get me a broken jaw, but not what I want. "I know you can, but I'm going with you."
Crap. He's got that immovable look on his face again. I really didn't think this out too well. "Fine. You can come long, but really Logan, I'm a grown woman I can handle this by myself."
"I'm sure you can, darlin', but I want to be there."
"Sorry to interrupt breakfast folks, but we have a situation," Scott said striding into the dining room. "The Brotherhood is attacking a weapons depot outside Red Rock. Ororo, Rogue, Bobby, Logan suit up."
"Sorry Scooter," Logan said climbing to his feet. "Rogue's not going."
"I'm team leader, Logan. I make the assignments."
"Find somebody else."
"Logan," Marie hissed. Oh god! I didn't want to do it like this. But from the looks of things there isn't any way to stop him now. He and Scott were locked in one of their Alpha-male fights.
"Pick. Someone. Else," Logan growled.
"Give me a reason."
"She's pregnant."
Jean gasped. "Rogue, is that true?"
"Uh yeah."
"How long have you known?"
That's it Scott - use the angry, disappointed Leader tone and glare at me like I did something seriously wrong and just make this all the more awkward. "I-" This would be a good time to jump in here Logan. Great time for him to decide to keep quiet. "We found out yesterday."
"We'll discuss this when we get back."
"Discuss what One-Eye? There's nothing to discuss. Me and Marie are having a baby and she's off the team until after it's born."
"I suggest this wait until after we've handled The Brotherhood."
We owe Ororo big time.
"I cannot believe you were this irresponsible!" Cyclops bellowed, following Logan up the stairs. Logan ignored him and just kept walking up the stairs, back to Marie. "You need to think about this. There are a lot of risks."
"We did think about it," Logan growled.
That stopped Scott in his tracks. "You mean it wasn't an accident?"
Is he that stupid? "No, it wasn't an accident."
"What were you two thinking? Besides the risks from her skin, there is serious risk of psychological trauma to the child. A mother's touch-"
"We managed to make a baby without touching her skin. We'll be fine if the rest of you just butt out."
"Rogue's an important member of the team-"
Logan sighed and opened his door. "The team will just have to do without her for a while."
"It's not that simple."
"It's exactly that fucking simple," Logan snarled slamming the door in Scott's face. Leaned his forehead against the door and let out a long ragged sigh.
Marie came up and laid her head on his back. With her this close, Logan could smell her tears. "You heard?"
He felt her smile against his back. "It was kinda hard not to."
"They'll get over it."
"Maybe they're right, Logan."
Gotta stop that right there. There's nothing wrong with her thinking. With her wanting a family of her own. Of our own.
"What was I thinking?"
I gotta look her in the eye when I say this stuff, so I'll know she's getting it. 'Cause she gonna be the mother of my children, so it's important she's good with this. Don't want those assholes makin' her sad. "You were thinkin' you wanted a family of your own and there's not a dammed thing wrong with that, darlin'."
"What if they're right?"
"They're not."
"You don't know that."
"Yes, Marie, I do."
I gotta sit with her. This is important. I gotta sit with her and hold her and make sure she understands this. "I am never going to leave you Marie. Or our baby. I love you."
"You don't have to say that Logan."
"Don't have to - Jesus, Marie what do you think? I'm here to get laid?" Ooh that look is telling. She really believes I'm here just to get laid. What the fuck? "Well I'm not. Christ Marie, I moved in."
"That was convenience."
God. She can be so thick headed sometimes. "I got us a dog." The eyebrow. Now I know why she gets so mad when I use it on her. It really is annoying.
"You got me a dog."
"I was living with you, Marie. That means I got us a fucking dog."
"What's in this for you?"
She can't be serious. She can't not know. "I don't know Marie. You? A family of my own? What the hell do you think is in it for me?"
"It - it wasn't just about sex?"
"Marie, I could get sex anywhere. I love you. When are you gonna get that though your thick skull?"
Whoa. That's a look. I've known that I loved her for a long time, but I hadn't said it. I guess I should have - I mean especially if it would have her looking at me like that.
"Why?"
"I love you, Marie. I - I wouldn't have insisted on this," I said waving a hand around the room we shared, "If I didn't. Why did you agree?" My heart stopped in my chest as the words I'd dreamed for years of hearing fell from her lips.
"Because I love you too," she whispered back looking up at me from tear-fringed lashes. "I always have."
"So Marie," Logan purred hours later, as he teasingly ran gloved fingers over her naked flesh. "You gonna make an honest man of me then?"
Rogue giggled. "Honest. You? Hmm... I don't think that's possible."
"You afraid, Marie?"
"Nope," she said smiling broadly. "Not anymore."
Maybe True Love isn't a lie after all.
Sometimes it just takes a little longer than we expect to realize it's been staring us in the face all along.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
At the end of the book, Logan makes a comment that maybe he'll tell Rogue what she did for him in about 10 years. It got me thinking.... That and four days of constant rain have kinda depressed me. So glad I don't live in Seattle - I might have to slit my wrists. Special thanks to Amy Beth for the beta read. This was finished like a month ago, but Amy Beth twisted my arm (i.e. she asked) about a part 2 so I waited until it was finished to post this. Hope you enjoy it.