Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me
And I a smiling woman.
I want to say good-bye to you. I'm saying it because I need to go. I've tried to find ways to stay but I can't. And I'm too tired to try anymore.
Please don't be sad for too long. Be happy for me. My pain will transform into nothingness because there will be no body to feel it. My nightmares will dissolve because their will be no mind to spin them for me. The memories that aren't mine will be lost.
I swear I did I everything I could think of.
Throwing myself into work didn't help. I tried to do everything for every class ahead of time, staying up all night and turning in some of the best work I've ever done for school. I got good grades. Professor Xavier said he was proud of me and for a short while, that was something. Then it was nothing because I realized that just because other people were proud of me and I was proud of myself didn't make what was going on any easier to bear.
Shall I tell you what was going on?
From touching Magneto, I see and smell death almost every day. Did you know that I would throw up after eating sometimes just because his memories were so horrifying and overwhelming? You didn't know because I never told you, so don't blame yourselves.
Logan's memories were horrifying in a different way. I could feel hands on me some nights, scientists trying to figure out how to mutate my body more. My hands hurt when I wake up from his dreams, like those claws are mine.
Logan, you should know something if you ever read this. I love you. Not like a father. I have a father and I have a brother, too, so not like that, either. Jean thought it was a crush, but I still love you like a woman loves a man she thinks she could spend her life with. You don't have to love me back, you just have to know. And remember.
I want to say something to each of you. Professor, thank you for all you've done for me. No matter how kind you were, you were always so intimidating just because you have such a large presence--nothing you could help. I think it's funny that even now, I feel like I'm speaking to God. Jean, you are my friend and I hope you won't blame yourself. I don't want anyone to blame themselves because this is all me. Scott, you understand how frustrating the lack of control can be. I think you'll understand this more than anyone else. Ororo, you're the one who will keep everyone together through anything and everything. I know you've always been willing to listen, but I could never find a way to say what I wanted to until now. How ironic. Bobby and Jubes and Kitty, you were my best friends and you helped me through a lot. But you can't help me with everything.
I tried to surround myself with happy people. I went to malls with friends and I went out to eat and I talked and stayed up late and tried, tried, tried to fit in with all of these people who seemed to want me around. I can't help feeling like an outsider, though. I just can't help it. Maybe because Logan and Magneto felt like outsiders. That's three minds telling one girl that she doesn't fit into the puzzle picture quite right. The piece that's her needs to be put away and saved for a later time.
I don't know if that time will come and I can't wait anymore. I can't. The determined part of me that is Logan would yank me to my feet and tell me to keep walking because he did. But I'm not that strong. I'm tired and I've had enough.
God was a last resort. I read the Bible from cover to cover trying to find hope and I found a story about a man who was brought back from the dead. I suppose that's hope in some form.
. . . Jesus called in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!" The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, "Take off the grave clothes and let him go."
I've made the decision and I am no Lady Lazarus.
I am not yours to resurrect.
Let me go.
Please.
Marie
Dying
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.
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