Chapter 9
“I beg you take courage; the brave soul can mend even disaster.” – Catherine the Great II
Rogue knew that she was dying. She’d know for many weeks now. But now, she could feel it. It had been a week since she had an argument with Logan regarding his desire to heal her, but now, even if he did want to do it again, he couldn’t, for her powers had grown so weak, they were almost non-existent. Since Logan shared Rogue’s bed all those nights ago, it had become as much more frequent occurrence, sparking unfriendly rumours around the mansion when Logan was seen exiting Rogue’s bedroom more often than he ever had before.
Lethargic and weak, Rogue was finding that each day brought new struggles that were becoming harder, much to her despair and frustration. It had only been a few days ago that her pitiful strength left her too exhausted to even tidy her desk, and Logan had walked in to find an inconsolable Rogue curled up against the foot of her bed.
She hadn’t left her bedroom much in the recent weeks, and had rarely seen Professor Xavier or Beast. She didn’t have the energy to walk around the mansion anymore, and spent more and more of her time in her room with Logan.
With Logan being the only ‘outside contact’ with the rest of the mansion, it was he who got bombarded with questions on the whereabouts of Rogue. Those who were brave enough to approach him, anyway. Logan was usually skilled enough to pass through the mansion undetected by potential annoyances, but when he heard the pop of a bursting bubblegum, he knew he had failed.
“Logan, do you know where Rogue is? She’s, like, been gone for weeks.”
Logan withheld a sigh as he turned round to see Jubilee standing there with her arms folded, her lower jaw working away on her latest piece of strawberry bubblegum. “What?” he asked, feigning deafness despite his spectacular hearing.
“Rogue,” repeated Jubilee slowly, giving him a sceptical look as she cracked her bubblegum so loudly it made Logan twitch. “She’s not been in any of her classes, and you’re sneaking around like a kid who’s creeping back and forth from the cookie jar!”
“I’m not sneakin’ anywhere,” muttered Logan, refraining from rolling his eyes.
There was a loud pop of bubblegum before Jubilee chewed at it frantically. “Where’s Rogue?”
Logan sighed softly as the girl persisted, feeling very much backed into a corner. “Look, she ain’t feelin’ herself, alright?”
“My girl’s ill?” said Jubilee, her eyebrows rising. “And why did nobody tell me that, huh?”
“Probably because Rogue doesn’t want everyone knowin’.”
Jubilee squinted her eyes. “I bet Bobby knows.”
“No, he doesn’t.”
Jubilee seemed to look happier about that. “Right, so where is she? I wanna see her.”
Logan groaned inwardly, he knew this was coming. “You can’t see her, kid, I’m sorry.”
“Says you!”
But Logan shook his head slowly, “Trust me, Jubilee, she doesn’t want to see anyone.”
Jubilee sighed heavily, her arms unfolding to hang by the sides of her bright yellow jacket. “Well, you tell her she gotta come see me when she gets well again. She better do!”
“She will..” With a finalising crack of her bubblegum Jubilee flounced off to return to the recreation room, leaving Logan looking subdued. With a sigh, he turned away, continuing the well-tread path to Rogue’s bedroom. Reaching her door, he entered without knocking, common practise these days, and arrived to see her pulling a jumper over her head to add an extra layer to her clothing.
“You ok, kid?” he asked as he watched her flip her hair out from under the neck and begin treading towards her bed.
Flopping down on top of the covers, Rogue folded her arms, the neck of the green jumper over snuggled over her mouth. “Yeah,” she murmured softly into the woollen material, bending her denim-clad knees towards her a little.
“Hey, I saw your friend Jubilee,” Logan continued, making his way over and sitting on the edge of Rogue’s bed. “She’s worried about you not being around.”
Rogue glanced towards him, her eyebrows arching. “What did you say to her?”
With a shrug of his shoulders, Logan replied. “Just that you ain’t feelin’ too good.”
“Great, now she’ll want to come and see me.”
“I already told her not to. I said you didn’t feel up to visitors.”
Rogue’s expression smoothened, “Oh,” she said softly as she watched him. “Thanks, Logan.”
“I’m lookin’ after you kid,” he said with a small smile, reaching out his hand and patting her on her nearest bent knee. “How you been feelin’ today?”
Rogue sighed quietly as she adjusted her head on the pillow. “Not too good,” she said after a while. “Today’s not one of my best.” She looked towards him, saying simply and yet so heart-wrenchingly, “I’m tired, Logan.”
“I know,” he replied, giving her knee a tender squeeze since his hand still rested there.
“I’m tired in both aspects. I’m fed up of feelin’ this way, havin’ no strength, being unable to live how I used to.”
Logan watched her carefully. “Hey, kid, that’s what I’m here for, to help you.”
“I know, I know,” answered Rogue, stressing that fact she was aware of his aid, but yet, it wasn’t enough. She sighed quietly, breaching a dwelling subject she had yet been too scared to approach, and so turned her head away to look out of the window.
Not being one who could handle emotions well, Logan’s next actions took him a lot of effort, and a lot of consideration to make sure they came across as he wanted them to. “What’s wrong?” he asked quietly, before quickly adding, “I mean, there’s something different..”
And there was. He was used to Rogue having her ups and downs, he’d seen her on a relatively good day, where she took things positively and lived life like she should do, and then he’d seen her on the brink of hysterical desperation. But he’d never seen this. He’d never seen her.. fed-up. As though this whole affair was too dull for her, dragging on too long.
“Marie..” he prompted quietly, slipping his hand down from her knee and on past her thigh until he reached the bare hand rested across her stomach. His large fingers carefully wrapped around hers, as though she was a delicate china doll that was overwhelmingly precious.
The squeeze of her grip came before her words. “I’m sorry, Logan,” she said, tone accumulating tears.
“What for?” he asked quickly, leaning closer to her and holding her hand tighter in his. “You’ve done nothin’ wrong, kid.”
“I’ve let you down,” she then said sadly, turning her sparkling eyes towards him. Her lower eyelids brimmed with unmistakable tears.
Lifting his free hand, he extended his arm across her, his rough palm cupping her cheek and catching the first tear that fell. “What the hell makes you think that?” he muttered, staring at her with his questioning eyes.
“You never give up, Logan,” Rogue whispered softly, inclining her head towards his hand. Her eyes closed tightly and released several tears down her pale cheeks. She made a shaky gasp of breath, before her sobs trembled her short pants. “You keep on fightin’, you always do. Whether you’re lookin’ for answers, or you’re trackin’ someone down, or whether y’jus’ tryin’ to kick some guy’s ass. You never stop.”
“This is completely different,” he assured. “If I was in this position – “
“ – You never would be.”
“But if I was - “
“ – You still wouldn’t be like this,” Rogue said over the top of him, opening her eyes and giving him a glare.
Logan caught that glare head-on, and he lowered his head, cowed. “Don’t start comparin’ yourself to me.”
“We’ve got similarities!” argued Rogue abruptly, as though his words had stung her somehow.
“Yeah, an’ we also got differences, Marie.” Rogue watched him for a moment before her eyes averted, aware that he was correct. “C’mon, I’ll go and fetch you a hot cup of coffee and let you get settled back into bed, huh? I’ll stay with you, kid.” His thumb brushed off the rest of her tears before he leant forth to kiss her cheek. He stood to his feet, having only just opened the door when he heard her sob again, and knew he had failed to bring her out of her heavy despondency.
But that’s when he heard the words she had been too frightened to approach, ones that he had hoped he wouldn’t ever witness. Her breaths shaking erratically, he heard the trembling murmur. “Just kill me.”
He span round. “What?” he said, a whirlwind of emotions in his voice, but the strongest at that moment was anger. At who, he did know. Was it her for giving up? Him for not keeping her mentally healthy? Or was it Beast, who found her illness in the first place? “What do you mean?” he added quickly, fiercely, stomping towards her with an anxious pace.
Rogue pulled her hand from her eyes, giving him a small look before she covered her face again. “Logan, I’m sick, and I’ve had enough of it. It’s gonna happen anyway.”
“But kill you? What, you think we can just do things like that?”
“Well, you..” Rogue began awkwardly; cut off when Logan shot her a horrified look.
“No!” he almost yelled at her in realisation, shaking his hand and suddenly walking around aimlessly as he fretfully wrung his hands. “No!” he said again, pacing and looking more anxious than Rogue had ever seen him. There was no way he would ever be able to use his own weapons against her. Those claws were made for enemies’ blood.
Not Marie’s. Never Marie’s.
“I’m not lettin’ you do that. You’re right, Rogue. You’ve let me down. You ain’t givin’ up!” Did he mean that? Had she let him down? Maybe not quite so drastically, but maybe he was attempting to stun her into the horrifying realisation of her request.
“Where are you goin’?” cried Rogue as Logan turned towards the door and strode towards it.
“I.. I gotta talk to Beast,” he said hurriedly before he wrenched open the door and ran out, leaving Rogue staring at the closed door in silence.
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