Chapter 11
“Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time. It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other.” - Leo Buscaglia
The mansion was silent, well into the midnight hour as the mutants of the school slept peacefully in their beds. But the door to Rogue's bedroom creaked open ever so softly, and out of it exited Rogue, who glanced around carefully. Even if she was caught, she had Logan with her to defend her point.. but even so.. there was something amusing and daring about the risk they were taking.
Rogue crept down the corridor, followed by Logan who strolled along at a languid pace and didn't even need to make the effort to stay quiet. They were soon upon the kitchen and Rogue began helping herself to various goodies out of the cupboards. She passed bags of crisps to Logan, then travelling to another cupboard and helping herself to copious amounts of chocolate. Logan had to hurry and catch the packets that were getting flung in his direction, staring at the increasing pile of food.
"You invitin' the whole mansion?"
"No," said Rogue as she flounced off towards the fridge, pulling out several bottles of beer and shoving them into Logan's hands.
Logan blinked, "Hey.. " he began, about to admonish her for helping herself to his beer. But he considered.. he'd do anything to have her drink his beer for the next fifty years.. When Rogue glanced round at him questioningly, he gave her a gentle smile, ".. just don't rush around."
Rogue returned the smile weakly, nodding her head to show her understanding, proceeding to be a bit more careful when she moved to gather something sugary from the drawers. Logan eyed the packet of sweets as it hit the top of the pile he held. A hyperactive Rogue might not be the wisest decision, but he decided he'd go along with it. “Can you carry all that?” Rogue asked with an endearing smile as she made her way to the door, her pleasant southern drawl stringing out her words.
“Sure,” Logan replied, following her out and keeping a firm grip on the items he carried. The pair made their way to the recreation room, which had since been tidied and exited. The curtains were drawn against the night time sky, but the room became basked in a soft glow as Rogue switched on the lamp above the television cabinet. Logan situated himself on the couch, gratefully depositing the food and drink on the coffee table in front of him. He only hoped Rogue was going to put most of the food back, since the amount present was alarming. “You’re never gonna eat all that,” he said with a smirk as he watched Rogue come from the television, holding a DVD case and the remote.
“No, but I want variety,” she announced as she flopped down on the couch besides him, automatically leaning up against his side, but not being too forward in the matter. She knew Logan wasn’t one of the girls and didn’t reckon much to snuggling up on the sofa with popcorn.
Logan shrugged in nonchalant agreement to her words, his eyes seeking out the DVD case she had placed on the coffee table. “Bridget Jones’ Diary,” he read aloud, then giving the girl a dubious look.
“Oh, stop it, Logan,” Rogue said with a grin. “I haven’t seen this film in ages!”
“Your choice,” he murmured, sinking into the couch a little as he watched the television screen flicker on and the pre-film trailers begin to start. He wondered if he could hack it, sat here watching what was possibly going to be a very sloppy, very slushy romance movie. Ah well, at least he had beer, and of course, Rogue was in a happier mood.
That settled it for him, and he leant forward to help himself to a beer, settling back with his boots propped up on the coffee table. The film began, Rogue slouched down on the couch with some chocolate in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other. She looked prepared, and her eyes remained glued on the screen.
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An hour or so later, and the film was drawing to a close. Logan had thought he’d be asleep by now, but he astonished himself and Rogue by actually paying attention to the movie, and being pleasantly surprised by the plot. At some points Logan had almost choked on his beer at some of the innuendoes – some he thought Rogue shouldn’t he listening to, until he reminded himself she was eighteen. Rogue appeared to be enjoying herself, having eaten her way through several packets of food, and finished her beer.
The moment the credits began their scroll up the screen, Rogue glanced towards him with a pout. “That was so sweet,” she said endearingly. Logan glanced towards her, her term not one he would ever put in his vocabulary to describe a film. “I knew she would end up with Mark Darcy.”
“’Course you knew, you’ve seen it before,” replied Logan, being unsuccessful at hiding his grin behind his beer bottle.
“You know what I mean!” she replied defensively, proceeding to chew some popcorn.
Logan glanced back towards the scrolling credits. “That Cleaver is an asshole.”
Chuckling, Rogue reclined her head back on the couch, “That’s probably why Bridget chose Mark.” She then made a sigh as she sunk deeper into the couch. “If only all this was a film. It seems as unreal as their happy ending.”
“Oh, c’mon kid..” Logan said softly, disappointed that the mood could get dragged down so quickly.
Rogue turned off the television before she glanced towards him. “You remember when you rescued me from Magneto?” she began softly, her eyes watching him carefully. She saw him give a slow nod, and she proceeded, “Well, after that,” she hesitated, smiling a little awkwardly as she looked away before back towards him, “I kinda developed a little crush on you, is that stupid?”
There was no denying it, Logan wasn’t shocked. But what did surprise him is the fact she told him. He had always suspected something, whether it just was loyal admiration, or hero worship. He was tempted to see humour in it, but decided that would mortify Rogue. Eventually, he replied in earnest, “No.. no it’s not,” but he did sound a little tentative. “It’s just..” he faltered for a moment.
“It’s just that Jean meant more to you,” Rogue replied with a thin-lipped expression.
Logan glanced towards her slowly. Jean had been dead for quite a while now, since her demise under the crashing waters of Alkali Lake. It took him a while to speak, the reminder of Jean’s death uncomfortable. “Don’t compare yourself to Jean,” he muttered.
Immediately Rogue’s face hardened, her eyes locked on him as though she could hardly believe what he had said. Her lower lip hovered from her mouth as she stared at him, disbelief silent. Quickly, she tore her eyes from him, feeling them well with stinging tears. Struggling to keep her soft gasp of tears silent; she pushed to the edge of the couch, about to stand and hurry away before she cried in front of him.
Logan stared at her, seeing her move away from him with tears in her eyes. Before she could stand up, he reached forward to grab her by the upper arm. Rogue flinched at his sudden grasp, but was easily pulled back when he lured her towards him. “Because you’re so much better than her,” he spoke softly, his dark eyes sincere.
But with her eyes locked on his, Rogue exhaled a soft sigh. “Oh, Logan..” she said quietly, now bowing her head. “You’re jus’ sayin’ that. Jus’ cos I’m dyin’ an’ you wanna make me feel better.”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m not. You know you mean a lot to me, Marie. Why’d you think I stopped to let you ride with me all those months ago? Why’d you think I’d do absolutely anythin’ to save your life?”
“You can’t save me now,” Rogue whispered, lifting her head as she watched him sadly.
“I know,” he said quietly, rubbing her arm warmly. “You don’t know how much I wish I could..”
Rogue sighed softly as she leaned against him, the hand he had on her slowly slipping around her shoulders and cuddling her against him. “I can touch now,” she murmured quietly as she watched the dark television screen ahead of her unseeingly.
“I know you can,” he said gently, resting his head against hers.
“But..” began Rogue softly as she slowly lifted her head to watch him, “.. I have no one to touch.”
Logan watched her carefully, lifting his free hand to tuck one of her white strands behind an ear. He had been about to speak when she tilted her head into his hand, one of hers lifting to take hold of his and press his palm into the smooth skin of her cheek like that in itself was giving her strength. “Marie..” he began quietly, but he wasn’t sure of what to say, because he was sure he wouldn’t be able to force his multitude of thoughts into a comprehensible sentence.
“Are you scared of me?” Rogue asked him quietly, staring at him with an unmoving gaze that Logan felt compelled to return.
“Of course not.”
Rogue persisted, “Do you think I’m contaminated?”
“No!” he insisted in a soft whisper.
“Is this all you can manage?” said Rogue, lowering his hand from her face and linking her fingers through his and across the spaces between his knuckles where his claws were housed.
Well aware of her gentle touch, Logan watched her carefully, uncertain as to what was going on, or where this was heading. “Marie, I don’t understand. What do you – “ but he was silenced as Rogue closed the distance between them, forcing her waning energy into a kiss that required her full concentration. If there was anything she had wanted to do before she died, this was one of them. This was no foolish hero worship. But now it was too late to try and attempt otherwise, but at least, with her reckless behaviour, Rogue could finally discover what it felt to kiss the Wolverine, his very taste and texture against her lips and tongue that bore no pain for either them. It was far from pain, it was pleasure and more.
But Rogue had expected him to push her off in horror, chastise her and suggest she went to get some sleep. And yet he didn’t, for when Rogue had caught him by surprise, in his realisation he reacted by instincts, his arms curling around her smaller body. He eagerly accepted her kiss, returning it, educating her. His mind angrily asked what the hell he was doing, but he told himself it was obvious.
Rogue seemed to think it was obvious too. Summoning energy she didn’t realise she still had, she turned her body towards Logan, not even parting their lips as she eased herself into his lap, straddling across his thighs. Logan hesitated for only a moment as he felt her weight settle in his lap, but soon pushed all his vigour into the kiss they shared, his hands mindlessly wandering her back. Rogue’s arms languidly draped around Logan’s shoulders, their shared behaviour so natural and unforced, it was like they had keep kept apart for too long, and now the barrier had finally lowered.
Fingers delve through Logan’s hair, raking down against the nape of his neck and sending shivers down his spine at the touch. He felt her lips calm their passionate frolic, the warmth of her tongue disappearing from his as she pulled back to stare down at him with a gaze he had never seen her adopt before. Her usually soft, doe eyes were swirling with a desire he never thought would be clapped upon him by her.
“I can touch now,” she repeated softly, caressing a hand down his face and feeling the bristle of his muttonchops against her smooth skin. She leant in again to kiss him, harbouring zero hesitation. Logan showed none in return, accepting her kiss with a soft grunt, his hands squeezing against her back. The hand at Logan’s cheek slowly travelled downwards, following the thick column of his throat until she reached the top of a few unfastened buttons on his shirt. Her fingertips traced the first button, considering, before she went ahead and slipped it undone. Logan only realised what was happening when she had unfastened them all and suddenly felt her hand caress the side of his bare waist beneath his open shirt.
“No..” he said quietly, pulling back from her lips and catching her hand in his. “No..” he said again, leaning his head back as she fought to kiss him again. “You can’t..” he shook his head slowly, stroking his free hand down her flushed face.
Rogue watched him in silence before she softly said. “You’d deny me?”
“You’re sick. It’s not right.”
“There’s a lot of things that aren’t right. This isn’t one of them.” She pushed forward to try and kiss him again, but he again managed to successfully evade her lips, despite how much he wished to capture them and ravish them some more.
“Marie..”
“Logan,” she said quietly, “I lied to you before.”
Logan tilted his head slowly, “What do you mean?”
“I didn’t have a crush on you.” This bewildered Logan, for the previous few minutes had signalled she felt something. But then she leant forward, resting her forehead on his. “I fell in love with you.”
“Marie..” he tried again, his eyes closing.
“What? I’m a kid? I don’t know my own mind? I’m too ill to know what I want anymore? No Logan.. none of those are true.”
Logan slowly brought his hand down her cheek once more. “No, but you are dyin’, Marie.. you don’t want this stress.”
“There’s only one thing I want..” But Logan breathed out a soft sigh, but Rogue was showing no signs of stopping. “Why are you really so against it?”
“I don’t wanna upset you.”
“Trust me, you won’t,” she said gently. “Words can’t describe how much I want you right now.”
They were the kind of the words Logan would never expect to hear from Rogues lips, and he opened his eyes to watch her, almost fearfully at her lusty request. But as his eyes traced the gentle features the entranced him so, he considered. Was it so wrong to want her as she wanted him? Was it wrong for her to love him? Was it wrong for him to love her?
Did he love her?
That was a foolish question. He loved her more than anything. The news of her approaching death had made him realise that. It made him realise how much he would miss her. That’s why he couldn’t stop watching her as she slept, touching her at every opportunity. He wanted to brand it to firmly into his head that he would never forget the smooth contours of her face, nor the sweet sound of her voice.
Eventually, he found his voice again, having made his decision but only managing to speak very quietly, “You need to get some sleep..” His arms cradled around her delicately, carrying her with the care he always adopted and standing to his feet. Together they left the recreation room, the table still littered with food, the cushions suspiciously disturbed. But neither of them cared.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Spoilers for the film Bridget Jones' Diary.