Part 6-‘Simple words, A Confession, A Declaration...’
‘I love you…’
They were simple words, a simple pledge, a young boy’s pledge made at the altar of the Goddess he had worshipped from afar for so very long. And now he was here, lying on her bed, watching her as she spoke in hurried breathless, excited tones about her dreams.
She was going to go travelling, she would see the world, starting with the not too distant shores of Canada, a line she traced, a line over a map that would take her far away, far from the Deep South, away from Caldecott and away from him.
And he had said the only words he could think to say, not the words don’t go, not stay, stay here, because he was certain that wasn’t what they both needed to hear, no, but he could have said so much more. Sighed quietly and told her that he would wait, she could travel halfway around the world, and here, here was where he would stand and wait, because he loved her.
‘I love you…’ simple words, a confession, a declaration. There was no need to say more, anything else just wouldn’t have done.
She stopped, stood with her fingers hovering over the map, a short gasp the only indication that she had heard him.
‘I love you…’ he repeated, even as he went to stand next to her, her head was turned away from him slightly, he reached across and grasping her chin gently tilted her face to look up at him. He was smiling, a brilliant smile, from a beautiful boy, golden hair and blue eyes, he stared intently into her chocolate brown eyes and she blushed.
He hadn’t even kissed her, the few weeks that they’d been dating had involved holding hands, gentle kisses on the cheeks, but not this, not the kiss he wanted and needed now. He brought his mouth close to hers, her full red lips quivering slightly in anticipation, trailing one hand down her arm he rested it on her hip, gently tugging her closer, holding her tighter.
She met his eyes briefly, a beautiful boy, and the gentle tears formed at the back of her eyes, as youthful wistful joy told her that she would remember this day for the rest of her life.
She whispered a gentle ‘I love you too…,’ simple words, a confession, a declaration.
Then his lips were on hers, he tasted sweet, peppermint and sunshine, and she opened up to him willingly, gasping a little in her innocence as his warm tongue swept into her mouth, touching and tasting her.
He pulled her closer still, the top half of her body flush against his, her arms wove naturally about his neck, and she gave all of herself to him, knowing that he was doing the same, he was giving all of himself to her.
When had it happened…why? Why now, and how? She had been kissing him, and it had been everything she had ever dreamed about, his gentle loving lips and the feel of his arms about her waist.
And then it was gone, replaced by excruciating pain, replaced by fear and horror. She pulled away from him, trying hard to break a connection that would not sever, the wide eyed scream of terror that met her as she opened her eyes and looked into his confirmed all her fears, she was killing him.
For some reason he wasn’t just here in her bedroom anymore, writhing in pain as he collapsed onto her bed, he was in her head as well, screaming alongside, her own voice and his tore through her mind. Screaming for release, and screaming for answers.
Why…Why… WHY!!!!
And then the screams resonated in the room, bitter sounds enveloped and clambered up the walls, her screaming, ignited, torn from her throat as she watched the boy she loved die on her bed.
Logan wondered if she knew, this is what you gave me kid. Ya happy now? I get this, your misery, your pain to go alongside my own. He had awoken with a start, a restless sleep broken, the sweat dripping from his pores, and that’s what she’d given him.
That night in the bathroom where she thought she had been doing him a favour, this was what he had seen, this far recess into her haunted mind, this was it, she had given him knowledge of her first kiss, her first love, and the first death at her hands.
It had startled him at first, he’d remembered Marie touching him, he’d remembered the darkness enveloping him, and he had thought it would be as it was before. That time she had touched him, after he’d driven his claws into her, that time on Liberty Isle, saving her life then had been a moment of peace, taking her in, touching her skin to save her life had been a moment of redemption for his battered soul.
And it had been blissful, falling into the darkness, tumbling headfirst into the warm embrace of nothingness, a moment, a long moment of overdue peace, blissful, ignorant abject blackness…thank you…thank you…thank you.
But not this, no peace now, not even from her, no enveloping night to take him away, he found himself in strange surroundings, blinded by the light from a window. He was stood in the bright recess of the glass, the sunlight streaming in, but he cast no shadow, he offered no presence.
He was here, but they could not see him, he was here, but he could only observe, he was here, but he was not.
And he saw her, Marie, the happiness radiating from her, as bright as the sunshine that flooded her bedroom; it came off her in waves. He watched from where he stood, saw the boy tell her he loved her, and saw him say it again.
Youthful feelings, the scent of sweet innocence flooded his senses, but it was with an inevitable detachment that he saw it all fall apart for her, saw her kiss the boy, and saw her suck the very life out of him.
He crossed his arms over his chest, the slightest tension racking his body as he saw the bitter accusation that came from her parents. Ordinary people, ordinary lives destroyed in an instant, a single moment that had heaved itself upon them, unwanted, unbidden coming to tear it all apart.
A daughter lost, a boy lost…lives lost…sinking like ships, down to a blackness that offered no peace. It wouldn’t survive, this happy family unit was gone, ripped apart at the seams, a smoking, burning wreckage that had no hope, gone…it was all gone.
And it was with reluctance, a growing anger that he begrudgingly admitted how similar they truly were, how it was the simple moments, the uncalled for, the unbidden moments that came, came like monsters rising from God-forsaken depths to destroy it all.
He tore away the drenched sheets that covered him, rising slowly to his feet; he passed a tired hand through the tufts of his hair. An aching hand, a murderous hand, that tonight had fought Sabretooth, had torn through her skin, and had lain with a red headed woman who belonged to another.
He pulled his shirt over his head, pulled on his jeans and grasped his jacket from the floor. His boots were tossed carelessly; but it took him precious few minutes to find them in the sparseness that was his bedroom.
He had stayed, true he stayed, but it was with a constant battle that kept his bag unpacked and underneath his bed, they ought to do him a favour and throw him out. But even then he knew, knew that he would leave with a fevered desperation, because here, here in the long corridors of this Academy that he barely held it together, that he kept the beast caged inside.
But it was slipping, his control, the rage was slipping from his fingers, bloodied fingers, a battered heart and a broken soul. He was losing it, the tenuous grips that he held over this misery, had long held over this nightmarish existence was slipping, and try as he might, grasp at it as he did, it trickled out of him.
Rage…images, an overcrowded mind’s wanderings into the dark, into the bitterness, came to the fore, came in the suicidal missions he undertook, the increasing risks, the sheer recklessness of taking on Magneto and his mutants alone.
It came in the wanting to die, came in the smashing through windows, came in hurtling to the ground, gladly embracing the sight of an end, not caring that he had taken her with him. It came in the scratches that he had embedded in her skin, three claw marks, and ten stitches, ten to sew it back together, but not enough, not enough, ‘let it end…’
And it came, rage…a blind rage at her and at himself, it came in the words he had whispered to her, ‘I should have let you die…’ Because then, then maybe there would have been an end for me now.
Because despite it all, he would lose, this thing, this beast inside would kill him. The beast would be caged, but the man would die. And then there would be nothing, nothing except him, Wolverine. A force that would rip this all apart, that would do more than tear at her face, he would tear it all to pieces; his rage would burn this to the ground.
He was the monster, he was the God-forsaken rising from the depths, coming, coming to destroy it all. And Logan, the man would lose the fight, Wolverine would win, was winning, and he would take it all.
As the thing inside had told him more than once, ‘if he caged the beast, he would kill the man.’
He stalked the corridors of the Academy as a man possessed, the heavy stomping of his boots paid no heed to the late hour, he found himself shaking his head, images, uncalled for, unwanted and haunting pounded down on him, and his heart, his aching heart was as black as the nightmares.
He saw blood, red and vivid pouring down these wall, and he saw their faces, their young faces, teenagers mere children, their bodies strewn along the corridors, the walls shifted, the pictures changed, but the faces remained, the wide eyes, the slack jaws of the dead…dead mutant children.
He saw them all, encased in the ice, trapped in the fortress of a place he knew all too well, the labs he was back there, he was there and he had blood on his hands, naked and running down the halls, the halls lined with blood, lined with dead faces.
’You can’t win…you can’t win, not against me, not against this, this is what you are, what you always were…you are this, you are the monster, we are the beast…cage me, cage the beast and you kill the man…’
He ran, the heavy stomping of the boots forgotten as far as he knew the only sounds were the slapping of his bare feet against ice, hr ran and ran, ignorant of the doors that flew open, woken by the sounds that followed him.
He saw it at last, a door, an escape route, an end, a hole in the ice, a way out from these labs, he pushed with all his might, and found himself in the open air, and he stumbled and almost fell down the Academy steps.
Bracing himself, he took in hungry gulps of air, his life depending on the freshness of it all, had to get rid of the images, the smells, the sight of all that blood, all that death.
He stared up at the night sky, and he imagined a break in the clouds where there was none, and he sought it, an image, and the pure white of the moon. And he imagined it was there, not receding behind the dark clouds, not hidden by a black sky.
He had dreamed of the moon before, peace was there, hope was there…and love, love as bright and innocent as Marie’s had been with that boy. It was instantaneous, the effect, the imagery, his breathing calmed and he pushed the voice that hammered at him back.
The moon, brilliantly white, and beautiful, ethereal like her. He was standing at the end of a pier, in a small domed structure; this was an ancient place, a holy place. Lovers came together here, bound under the eyes of their Lord.
Bound by the hands and words of a priest, he waited, a nervous smile playing on his lips, and then he saw, his angel, walking slowly toward him, the violins quietly strumming heralding her arrival, they would come together here, bound by ancient law, in the eyes of their Lord, bound in front of their friends who sat watching.
He had loved her for as long as he could remember and he would love her for as long as there was breath left in his body, she walked slowly, every step bringing her closer to him, she smiled and her warm blonde hair fluttered slightly, caught by a distant breeze, her dress ruffled and his heart caught in his throat.
He was here and he was loved, young James Howlett…
Sympathy- The Goo Goo Dolls
Stranger than your sympathy
This is my apology
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out
I wished for things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
All I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees
Oh yeah everything's all wrong yeah
Everything's all wrong yeah
Where the hell did I think I was
Stranger than your sympathy
I take these things so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
Now my head's been filled with doubt
It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your luck's run out on you
All I wanted
You can't see when all your dreams are coming true
Oh yeah it's easy to forget yeah
You choke on the regrets yeah
Who the hell did I think I was
Stranger than your sympathy
All these thoughts you stole from me
I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong
And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel
Before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk and all the lies
Were all the empty things disguised as me
Yeah stranger than your sympathy, stranger than your sympathy
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Author's Chapter Notes:
He had loved her for as long as he could remember and he would love her for as long as there was breath left in his body, she walked slowly, every step bringing her closer to him, she smiled and her warm blonde hair fluttered slightly, caught by a distant breeze, her dress ruffled and his heart caught in his throat.
He was here and he was loved, young James Howlett…
A/N: Not all of Logan's memories are nightmares, there is hope, there was happiness, and there was love...
He was here and he was loved, young James Howlett…
A/N: Not all of Logan's memories are nightmares, there is hope, there was happiness, and there was love...