Part 2- ‘Look To Me…’
She stopped and stared around her, momentarily disorientated, it was pitch black, but she could hear sounds. She was convinced shapes, something moved hurriedly from one corner to the other. Whispers, scratching…hollow sounds that seemed so far away but achingly close at the same time.
She reached out tentatively, one hand stretched into the darkness, fingers holding out to brush against something, anything just to know that she wasn’t alone, all alone in this bleakness.
A brush of cool air rushed passed her ear, a body, someone moving close…too close. Stumbling backwards, startled her footing seemed to slip and she fell….and kept falling.
It was only when she landed with a hard thud against what she guessed to be solid floor that she dared to open her eyes.
And she was back, back in that place she had seen in her own dreams, that place she had come to dread, the place she hated. The labs, those dreaded, cold clinical, bleached clean murderous places, where every ounce of compassion was killed and inhumanity was borne, where cruelty reached new heights.
The place she knew he hated, the memories of which were driving him to the edge. The place where he thought he had died, only to be reborn, into a body that offered no release and a mind granted little respite.
She had landed on some sort of balcony, high above; it was set up as a viewing gallery and looking around she saw she wasn’t alone. Men in dark suits, in lab coats, in army uniforms all stood on the same balcony, all close to the railings looking down at something.
Raising herself painfully to her knees, she looked at each of them in turn, the green lights flickering across their faces, making their expressions all the more haunting, wide eyed they stared, down into the heart of a lab. She crawled to the edge to see what was happening, a horror awakening within her every time she scraped her hands and knees on the cold stone.
With a sickening instinct she already knew what was there, it was his mind; and she knew it was a valley of shadows, layer of horror upon horror, afflicted with evil. She must have known what she’d find looking down, but she still clutched with trembling hands to the railings and looked.
Logan…God Logan, you poor…poor bastard.
Tears welled in her eyes as she watched the sickening spectacle that played out in front of her eyes. He was strapped down to a cold sheet of metal, manacles binding his wrists tight, his arms and legs splayed, his head bound down, chains that held fast against his neck.
Half a dozen lab coats hovered over him, she saw needles pierce his skin, she saw them take measurements, saw them fill in their charts, as if he was nothing more than their glorified lab rat.
She shut her eyes tightly, and tried to breathe; all the pain, her own, his, all overwhelming her washing over her, wave after relentless wave. They killed her, just as they were killing him. Opening her eyes at last only made it worse, now there were scalpels, she watched horrified as one of the scientists lifted it, the metal glinting in the spotlights they had positioned over him. It gleamed, and as they took it towards his arm, she thought it shone with a brightness that was truly sickening.
And then the blade did what it was made to, it cut…deep, deeper… further still, until it was almost buried to the hilt in the top of his arm close to his shoulder, then down it worked, clean deep cuts, murderous wounds. Her breath hitched in her throat, and she fought hard to overcome the nausea, as the blood started to pour out of him.
Bruised, broken…and bloody… you poor bastard.
She forced herself to keep looking, her own dreams the ones she’d garnered from him had never been this graphic, but even they had haunted her for days, but this…this was beyond what worst nightmares should ever be.
And even as she looked she saw, saw his eyes snap open and he was looking, searching, not at the lab coats, not at the soldiers, but looking up…, looking at her. He forced her to hold his gaze, pulling her further, pulling her in…
She did not know when the screaming started; all she knew was the sound was deafening her, killing her, strangling her, choking her, she couldn’t breathe. Scrambling backwards, pressing her back against the railings, she screamed and screamed…putting both hands to hold tight over her eyes, willing, vainly trying to push the image of his pain away.
But she saw it and kept seeing it, that knife, all that blood…cuts that never healed, that never closed over.
Crawling painfully to her knees, and then at last to her feet, she pulled herself up, holding to the railings of the balcony for all she was worth, praying… God let it end, set me free, set him free. Forcing her eyes open she found she wasn’t in the labs anymore, but was stood in some sort of corridor.
There’d been one hell of a fight, blood spattered the walls, smeared across the floor, pools of red surrounded her, and she could only stare silently. All her screams had only left her hoarse. She honestly thought if she started screaming now, she’d never stop, she’d die screaming.
She looked around her, looked up the corridor and then down, wondering if she should move, afraid to choose a direction, afraid it would lead to more labs, more misery, more of his pain. Rooted to the spot, she could only watch as a darkened figure appeared at one end of the corridor, it was blurred, something, someone was headed in her direction.
Her breathing was laboured, she fought for very inch of air to inflate her lungs, her eyes adjusting as she watched the figure get closer. And then she’d thought her chest had collapsed, as every breath escaped her, left in a rush of cold bitter air as she recognised the man now stood in front of her.
Logan…no, Wolverine, his claws extended and bloody, naked and covered in head to toe in blood. It was pouring from his veins, ebbing away from him, flowing away, he growled at her and she instinctively took a step backwards.
He moved closer to her, and before she could react gripped her tightly by the shoulders, the claws burying deep into her back, she winced in pain and he only held tighter, forcing her eyes open, forcing her to see, pulling her in.
‘Get outta here kid, ain’t nothin’ ya can do for him…’ Wolverine, only he would ever contemplate hurting her like this, see her being here as an invasion, see her as an intruder.
And she suddenly knew why Logan had kept her out for so long, had prevented her from getting too close, had preferred to suffer alone. Wolverine was here, uncontrollable, wild, uncaring Wolverine, who would hurt without a second thought.
She grimaced in pain as he held tighter and squeezed harder, blades pushing further into her skin, and she thought she would die here, in hell, in his hell.
‘Marie, you know I would feel better if you would do this under Dr McCoy and Jean’s supervision, in the medical lab, where we can monitor you both.’ His voice drifted over to her as she lay back on the couch her head pressed deep into the soft cushion, a brief respite.
Her eyes drifted closed painfully, brimmed red and aching, it had only been one night and already she was so tired. She’d been pulled awake by Logan; he’d gripped her shoulders tight and shaken her like a little doll, and she’d felt so fragile, so weak she’d thought he’d snapped her in two.
She’d looked up at him, the tears still flowing, the convulsions not yet gone, her teeth shuddering from the memories. He’d shook his head at her, sighed before whispering, ‘don’t ya ever do that again kid…not ever.’
And even in those short few gruff words she knew he’d really wanted to thank her, to say thank you for one night, where I haven’t had to be where you were. Thank you.
Forcing her eyes open she looked at the Professor, he was sat by the window looking across the room at her. She smiled at him, and turned on her side to look at him, wanting him to know she was fine, even if it was a bitter lie.
‘Ya know he’d never agree to that, it was hard enough for him lettin’ me do this much. He’ll never let me in again if ah suggest the lab, and by then it might be too late for him.’
Professor Xavier nodded sadly, looking intently at her, he wondered how it was that such a young girl could have such an old soul, such a lovin’ heart that she would consent to die alongside him, walk the condemned path with him, every night if he would let her, just to save him.
He sighed deeply and wheeled himself over to her, ‘Marie..,’ he started, the old feelings of guilt washing over him, ‘do you think he knows?’
She looked up at him questioningly. He looked away ashamed, ‘Do you think Logan knows that we gave up on him, that I gave up on him?’ He had given up, knowing he could never invade Logan’s thoughts without permission; knowing he could never reach him, he had not tried talking to him, wishing to believe like of all them, that he was the strongest, invincible; it had suited them all to see him as that.
Except her, except Marie, she had taken up what should have been his responsibility as the professor, as the head of the Academy, as a mentor, she had taken up the duty that should have been his…of saving one of their own.
She sat up slowly, and raising herself painfully walked over to him. She kissed him gently on the cheek, just a brush of the lips against the skin, never enough to trigger the pull. ‘It’s alright. Ah know, and he knows ya tried, it’s enough.’
He thanked her silently pressing his hand into her gloved ones; she stood that way with him a while before she walked towards the door.
Truth was she had every reason to feel as guilty as he did; it wasn’t long ago that she’d been thinking of doing the same thing, of walking away. Logan’s burden was too heavy, his scars ran too deep, she had wanted to think like they did, that he would heal himself.
But she couldn’t, she could never have turned a blind eye for long, could never have fooled herself for long, because she knew she’d never forgive herself if she had walked away. If she had left him to be pushed far into insanity, beyond hope, beyond redemption, beyond release, it would have killed her.
And because he had seen everyone else do just that, despite all the protests he put up, she knew he would never forgive her either. It was killing him and so far she was the only one who could see he couldn’t be strong for much longer now.
So however much it would take, however long Logan waited before he let her in again, and however much Wolverine hurt her once she had forced her way in, she wouldn’t give up.
Not this time.
Shadow On The Sun- Audioslave
Once upon a time I was of the mind
To lay your burden down
And leave you where you stood
And you believed I could
You'd seen it done before
I could read your thoughts
Tell you what you saw
And never say a word
Now all that is gone
Over with and done - never to return
(chorus)
I can tell you why
People die alone
I can tell you I'm
A shadow on the sun
Staring at the loss
Looking for a cause
And never really sure
Nothing but a hole
To live without a soul
And nothing to be learned
(chorus 2)
I can tell you why
People go insane
I can show you how
You could do the same
I can tell you why
The end will never come
I can tell you I'm
A shadow on the sun
Shapes of every size
Move behind my eyes
Doors inside my head
Bolted from within
Every drop of flame
Lights a candle in
Memory of the one
Who lives inside my skin
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Logan's dreams get more graphic, and very painful.