"Logan?!"
Bobby fidgeted, "The one with the claws?"
"No, the mailman." I swear if I were to roll my eyes ONE more time, they're going to be permanently detached.
"Oh. Well, I heard he keeps stealing the free shampoo samples, yeah," Bobby agreed vehemently, so relieved that our target's not the Wolverine that his head's bobbing up and down like a buoy out at sea, "it's about time we taught him a lesson."
Headache, headache!
"No! You ice for brains!" Jubilee said as she whacked Bobby over the head. Then she turned to me and asked curiously, "It's NOT the mailman, right?" That's Jubilee for you, when in doubt, smack first, ask later. I noticed how St. John had kept his mouth shut the entire time and moved a couple inches away from Bobby. Smart guy, he doesn't want be guilty by association.
"Of course it's NOT the mailman. It's THE Logan. You know? Mr. I-Like-To-Work-Out-Without-My-Shirt-On?!"
"Ohhhh," sang the junior x-men chorus, although more in admiration than in realization. Yes, Logan, never the shy one has given everyone within a ten-mile radius the opportunity of viewing his buffness. We've all seen Logan's magnificent biceps and six-pack and all those other muscular parts that I don't have the names for yet. I've had the personal experience of being very closely surrounded by them and let me tell you if it weren't for the fact that I was sucking the life out of him, I would have swooned at being in contact with those leather clad muscles.
"Oh damn," Bobby muttered. The guys exchanged a gaze that all but said, 'So much for trying to last through puberty.'
Jubes snapped her gum, "Thank God, I was gonna say, pick my brains for the mailman? That's kinda asking Professor X to guess what we had for breakfast. What a waste of talent..."
The guys stared at each other. Then they stared harder at Jubes. It was as if they were trying to decide who was deadlier, Jubes or Logan. That might be something actually worth finding out. My bet's on Jubes, though. I mean the physical damage Logan can inflict will probably take months to heal, but the mental trauma caused by Jube's antics will last you a whole lifetime. Just look at St. John. I bet he's still has nightmares in all shades of yellow.
"Hey guys, like what you see? There's more where I came from," Jubes sang sweetly as her fingers started to sparkle.
"Ha ha, Logan, he's a dead man," Bobby said.
"For sure," St. John muttered, "Better him than me."
"Ready positions! Roll call! Come in, Hot Stuff," I called into the walky-talky.
St. John's groan came through, "I wish you wouldn't call me that." I bet that's Jubes laughing in the background. It was her idea. In fact she was the one who made up all the code names.
"Come in, Snowflake, come in."
Bobby sighed and replied, "In position."
"Come in, Scaredy Cat, come in."
"I am not!" Came the indignant protest.
"Last but not least, come in, Mistress Lee."
"You forgot the other parts! It's Mistress Lee, Defender of Good From Evil, Soon to Be X-Women Superhero, Champion of Good Fashion Sense, Keeper of the Mall!"
"Of course, my bad," I replied blandly.
"Mad Hatter seems more like it," muttered a barely there male voice. St. John. Somehow I don't think he meant for that to transmit.
I can imagine Jube's eyes narrowing right now.
"Who said that?! Was it you Hot Stuff?!"
"No!" St. John yelled out so loudly I had to hold the walky-talky away from my gentle eardrums.
"Well off with your head!" Then came the sound of pitter-pattering feet.
I sighed. So much for being a well-organized unit. "Mistress Lee, Defender of Good From Evil, Soon to Be X-Women Superhero, Champion of Good Fashion Sense, Keeper of the Mall, would you please hold your position! You can chop Hot Stuff's head off LATER."
"Rogue!" St. John protested, whimpering.
"That's team leader Brain to you. Can't help you, Hot Stuff, hell hath no fury like Mistress Lee scorned." I hope he has some real estate property on the moon because sooner or later Jubes is going to track him down and it ain't going to be pretty.
"Target acquired! Heading towards infirmary!" Bobby suddenly yelled from his hand held walky-talky.
Right on time. I'll bet anything that Jean's in there mulling over her research. . . all by herself. Logan thinks he's got it all figured out. HA!
"Commencing Operation Declaw, initiate Plan Big Butt!" I yelled.
You see, Logan's ever so proud of his toned body. Including that tight butt of his. He has no shame. Why else would he parade around semi-naked? Trust me, with Storm controlling the weather with a roll of her eyes, it never get THAT hot. Weather wise anyway, I'm sure body temperatures tend to rise whenever he's around. Heh heh, Plan Big Butt should take him down a claw or two.
"Scaredy Cat, Mistress Lee, are you both in position?"
"We are now, Leader Brain!"
"Target approaching corner," Bobby reported, "Within hearing range in three, two, one!"
Jubes and Kitty's planned conversation came in loud and clear.
"Oh my god, did you see Logan this morning? Dude, Kitty, he was wearing these sweats and like it was like he has the biggest sagging butt I've ever seen!" Jubes exclaimed, in horror, in awe, in devilish delight, I'm sure.
"Really?" Kitty squeaked.
"Totally, it was so gross. Big sagging butt. No wonder he wears those tight jeans when he's going out, it's to hold up his saggy butt!"
"Ohhh."
"Target moving off course! Destination unknown," Bobby hissed over the signal and then added sadly, "We're all going to hell for this, aren't we?"
Jubilee suddenly giggled and called out rather loudly, "Have you seen MR. SUMMERS' butt? Now those. . . those are fine. I bet you can bounce quarters off them."
Didn't I say she was perfect? That wasn't even in the script.
Kitty giggled. Come to think of it, Scott does have a nice ass. I giggled.
"Correction, target RUNNING off course. Destination unknown."
Oh where oh where could he be going? Seconds passed as I wait in gleeful anticipation.
"Target acquired at entrance of gym," St. John called in.
Booyah grandma!
Dear Santa Claus, I've been a really really bad girl. . .
Logan was never one for details. He's sort of an 'in your face' kinda guy. He kind of assumes that everything he has to face off with will be Sabretooth-ish, big, dumb, and lacking in subtlety. Can you tell he hasn't been with us that long?
"Target exiting gym!" St. John reported.
"Wah!" Kitty yelped.
Good thing Kitty's the one in Logan's room. She can phase out in a jiffy.
"Scaredy Cat, are you finished?"
There was a silence, then came Kitty's huffing and puffing. "Okay, okay, I'm out. It's done!"
"All right. Plan Pretty in Purple is underway."
Did I mention that Logan hates the color purple? It's a minor quirk of his, but he's rather adamant about it. He thinks it's like a wussy blue. Actually he thinks it's wussy period. Only girls like purple. Big macho wolverines do not like purple.
"Target entering room. I think I can hear the shower!" Bobby said.
Kitty phased in right next to me. She tossed a purple container back to me like it was a hot potato. Then she went to hug her physics book, seeking comfort from it after her dangerous mission. One of these days I need to get her a stuffed animal because that just looks really weird.
"ARRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!" Came the sound of a very very angry man.
"Oh Leader Brain! That's your cue," Jubilee giggled.
I trotted toward Logan's room, quite eager to see the fruits of my labor.
Logan burst out of his room. He was, much to my evil delight, purple all over and looking like an anorexic Barney. Guess he didn't notice the extra permanent purple dye in his shampoo and such before it was too late. See, that's what you get for not paying attention to details.
He was in such a rage that that he almost ran over me.
"Logan, what happened to you?!" I asked, feigning innocence on my face and worry in my voice. I even placed a concerned hand over his bare oh so muscular chest. The things I do for the sake of the mission. Tsk tsk.
"Did you see anyone here just a couple seconds ago?" Logan asked, grinding his purple teeth. Logan doesn't suspect me at all. Figures. Heh, heh, he still treats me like I'm just his little harmless sister. The Professor was right on. But Logan looks like he's about to tear up to the place to find the culprit. His face, if possible, turned even a deeper shade of purple. Professor probably wouldn't like to see his home and school ripped apart by a berserk Wolverine. See, here's where the sacrificial lambs come in.
"I saw Bobby and St. John a couple seconds ago, running that way," I pointed. He can't really do anything to them except scare their pants off and warn them about their impending doom should this ever happen again. One of the things about being a designated good guy, you can't beat people up until they beat you up first. With Bobby and St. John, trust me, it ain't going to happen.
He growled and stalked off to catch his prey, like the purple people eater that he is.
I trailed him around the mansion, wishing I had a camera for this Kodak moment.
Then Storm came walking by us. Her eyes widened at the sight of the purple Wolverine.
"I don't think that's your color, Logan," she said, her mouth twitching with barely contained laughter.
He growled something about pesky kids.
Professor Xavier wheeled up behind Storm. Coincidence? I don't think so.
"Logan. Are you allergic to something?"
"Okay, how many more of you are going to show up to see me looking like a prune?" I guess he thought the Professor showing up right after Storm was a little too suspicious.
I tossed the Professor a knowing look.
'Interesting execution,' he said in my mind, chuckling softly.
I grinned, and fondly thought back, 'I learned from the best.'
"It's quite all right Logan, most of the students went home for the weekend," Charles told him, then said pointedly at me, "And Scott took Jean for a trip. Scott said he's not sure when they're coming back."
"Awwww. That's so cute," I said, clapping happily. Then I blink. Oh my god! It worked! I got Scott and Jean back together, happy again! WOOHOO! Oh thank you, thank you, it was my pleasure.
I wanted to dance, I want to shout, I wanted to. . . grunt? I turned to the disgruntled man next to me. He was displeased for sure.
Stupid man, didn't he know it was hopeless from the beginning? I sure did.
"Com'on Logan, maybe we can find some makeup cleanser to get out the purple," I said soothingly.
Logan shuddered.
"Makeup cleanser?"
I bet he's wondering how he sunk so low.
Shhhh. It'll be our secret.
"Com'on, St. John, you can do it," St. John thought to himself as he approached Logan's room. He'd been able to hide out for a while when he heard the purple Wolverine was looking for him, citing revenge.
But he couldn't hide forever. He had to be a man. Then he would no longer need to have Bobby stand guard by the bathroom door while he showered, or cringe at the sight of Jubilation Lee. Yes, he would be a MAN. No more sneaking around. No more revenge or getting back the girls. No more being petty about stuff like that.
That is, after this. He really needed to score one for the guys. Jubilee will probably kick his ass but he was ready to be a martyr just this once.
Logan opened the door and immediately hunched over like he was ready to attack. "I've been looking for you, you little punk!"
It was all the punk's fault. After Rogue helped him peel off a layer of his face he had to go to the store to buy more of the makeup cleanser stuff. The woman there told him they didn't sell cleansers in gallon size so he ended up buying all the cleanser they had. Then she had the nerve to ask him if he wanted to try some of their new blush. Shit, can't a grown man buy some makeup cleanser without being a cross-dresser?!
St. John swallowed hard to get up the nerve to speak.
"Logan, I need to talk to you. Man to man?"
"Yeah, maybe after I rip another hole in your face," he growled.
That's it, St. John has had enough of people picking on him!
"Listen, do you think Bobby or I could have been the mastermind of all of this? Getting you away from Jean, making you do all those butt crunches, turning you purple? HELLO?!" Man, Rogue was right, he is slow.
Logan eyes narrowed into tiny slits.
In his mind, he remembered seeing a tiny devious smile out of the corner of his eye. Then the smile matched to the face. A face so pure and innocent he would never have suspected. A face that was probably laughing its head off right this moment.
"ROOOOOGGGGGGGGGUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"
END.
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000
Author's Chapter Notes:
This is the sequel to "Professor's Permission" and "Rogue's Recruits". I highly suggest you read them before reading this one (and that's not just shameless self-promotion talking). In terms of the previous two stories, this is rather anti-climatic, but oh well. I hate to leave anything unfinished. Hope it's not too bad. Many thanks to Laura and Jess, you know why. ^_^