Chapter Twenty-Nine:
The plains outside of imperial Ma'in, bordering the Rub al-Khali
Lo'gan watched as Mari adjusted her hood against the wind out of the corner of his eye and temporarily forgot what it was that was being said. It was customary for the Shammar to stop moving an hour before the sun touched the horizon. It was now unpacking time and typical to every nomadic clan, the men discussed the move and their location while the women unpacked and set up camp. It was requisite that as guests, Lo'gan and Harabi attend those afternoon debriefings, but as far as meetings went, Shammar was the personification of boring. Harabi yawned widely from where he leaned on his horse and Lo'gan kept tracking Mari's movements while Shammar went on and on about procedure and protocol.
Oblivious to Lo'gan's attentions, Mari sat perched atop a suede stool, watching the clan women busily knead biscuits for the evening meal. In the eight days they had traveled with the Shammar, she had grown significantly more confident in being around the other women. Lo'gan frowned a little when she suddenly slapped her hand over her mouth. He immediately perked up from where he was actively ignoring Shammar, but then realized that she was laughing. He crinkled his nose a little at that.
He liked that she was exploring the camp more and was less apprehensive about being around people. He had quickly discovered that Mari had a curious streak a mile wide and felt the need to touch and smell everything. She kept within shouting distance, but it nevertheless made Lo'gan nervous to see people still staring at her when she wasn't looking. He could tell they tried not to, but he snarled at the little boy who had scared her that first day and a few of the girls who were intent on gossiping about her exotic features whenever he saw them for good measure. Fortunately, those were the exceptions. If anything, Mari had become something of a project for the older Shammar women.
Once the rains stopped a few days after leaving Ma'in, they talked and fussed over her non-stop. It worked wonders for her vocabulary and even her habit of always wanting to keep hidden started to ease a little. She ventured out among people now and silently listened while the older women spoke of recipes and customs and what a wife's duty was. Mari listened attentively and Lo'gan spent more than a healthy amount of their time camped watching her nod her head and occasionally ask a shy question from a distance.
At first it bothered him that she needed to hear all of that. They obviously misunderstood their relationship. Well……not really. He did want her, really, really wanted her, but it was too hard to try and explain to the others that he was not going to marry her. He knew she had tried at first. He had overheard her explaining with her broken sentences, but the women brushed it aside and kept going. They were convinced that Lo'gan was her promised and they would not hear anything else.
It's not like he really minded that they thought that anyway. After his initial reaction, which was always to shy from any insinuation that he would be somebody's husband, Lo'gan actually liked the idea. It kept the other men at bay and the women actually welcomed Mari into their midst with all the giddiness that women usually reserved for brides to be and babies. The tricky part was to not believe it. After a few days, Lo'gan had actually caught himself wondering `what if'. But then reality struck him in the worst way. He had found out why Mari contemplated the night sky and it brought all his foolish hopes to a quick end.
It was the fifth day after leaving Ma'in that the sky finally cleared and the rains stopped. They were completely out of Ma'in's view by then and were actually starting to see the change in the landscape. The trees had completely disappeared and the shrubs were thinning out also. Pretty soon the flat plains would get sandy and a few days after that the grasses under their feet would disappear completely. The wind that blew across the flats was hot and unlike the coastal air, much drier. The real shock was to find that the air had stilled. For five days they walked in pouring rain and camped in mud, expecting to walk into a desert ravished by kaus winds, but that was not to be.
The tumultuous air that caused the rainstorms on the coast did not touch the desert. On the contrary, the desert seemed surreal in its calmness and all of the Shammar, especially Lo'gan knew that it would not be the end. A few of the older nomads had lived long enough to know that it meant that deeper trouble was brewing and doubled their offerings of incense to the wind gods. Lo'gan knew it too. His dreams had disappeared in the eight days since leaving Miznih's brothel and that lead him to believe that something was building. Just like the natural world around him, his dreams had recessed for a period of rest and when they decided to attack again it would be without mercy.
It was thinking these very thoughts that Lo'gan happened to stumble across Mari. Since day one, he knew that Sheik Shammar would object to Mari sharing a tent with him. He hadn't really thought it possible to care about some other stiff's feelings, but Shammar's apology that first day sealed his decision. Besides, Mari did not need to be ostracized further. Everyone knew she was part of a harem once and that alone would brand her for life in certain circles. He couldn't remember the last time he made such a stupid decision, but he had a talk with Mari that first night. It took a while for her to comprehend what he was saying, but when she did, he could see that she understood.
It was decided that Mari would share a tent with widow Nisee. Lo'gan wasn't crazy about the idea, but she was a great aunt of Sheik Shammar himself and the one who had taken care of Nayif while they were hidden. So again, Lo'gan was alone and Mari was out of his reach. You would think that after thirty odd years of practice, Lo'gan would sleep easier on his own again, but it was not so. Riding all day with Mari's body in his firm grasp, he could not sleep the long hours at night alone. Once again, Lo'gan became an insomniac.
At first he figured that that was what caused him to temporarily lose his nightmares. But deep down he knew that wasn't the truth. The cause was much simpler – he was lonely and for someone who had spent his entire life alone, it was more than disconcerting to find that he couldn't even sleep anymore without a certain girl at his side. When he did find sleep it was at a big price. The night he held Mari on Miznih's roof haunted all his dreams and threatened his very sanity with images of her moaning and him touching and gods help him – that damned nipple ring.
So Lo'gan took to doing the thing that kept him sane all the years he had in existence. He would go out and meditate under the night sky. Joza had taught him that trick when he was just a boy and he had learned well. Unfortunately, the rain had not stopped, so he kept up his miserable nights in restless boredom in his tent for a few more days. After a while, when even Harabi was asking if he was feeling well, it finally did stop and Lo'gan waited until the entire camp was still before taking his leave that very same day.
Bringing Nayif along with him, Lo'gan walked away from the makeshift camp the Shammar had set in the moist ground and went to a nearby hill that would most likely provide a good view of the clearing sky. Trying futilely to banish thoughts of green eyes swaying rhythmically over him, Lo'gan sought his long denied solitude with nature and instead came face to face with the object of his torrid dreams.
They stared at each other for a few minutes before Mari smiled in her self-conscious way and Lo'gan felt capable of moving again. He walked stiffly over to the rock she was perched on and settling next to her, let Nayif's reins dangle to the ground. The stallion ambled away to munch on some grasses while both Mari and Lo'gan watched. Eventually, finding something to do, Lo'gan stripped off his outer robe and cavalierly welcomed Mari under it. Mari settled into his warm embrace after a second's thought but the easy familiarity they rode in all day was absent. They were alone and that opened up a world of possibility that made both distinctly nervous.
Eventually Lo'gan settled on the perfunctory. Mari had been contemplating the sky like he often did and like he had seen her do that night they escaped. It was a safe place to start, so he pointed up at a twinkling light caught in the pitch black and provided another name to her inventory.
"That's a star. Star."
Mari smiled again, this time a little sadder and Lo'gan wondered if he had somehow said something wrong. He brought her face up by the chin like he typically did and wordlessly asked. Mari thought for a minute before bringing up what she had clutched in her left hand. Lo'gan looked at it with a frown. He had seen her handling it before. It was special somehow but like with his mother, Lo'gan had not thought to ask why.
When they were at Miznih's Mari had hurried to rid herself of her harem's clothing, but had not moved to get rid of her jewelry at all, except to give a few of the girls pieces at random. Lo'gan understood those gestures were out of gratitude and friendship and it was a good idea to keep the pieces as currency, but it still bothered him to see her wearing things another man provided. Something deep inside him stirred at that and stiffening a little, he cleared his throat before speaking.
"It's nice."
Mari looked at the intricate carvings glimmering in the faint moonlight and smiled wistfully.
"Beautiful."
Lo'gan typically loved to watch Mari smile, but looked back up instead, wanting to feel anything but the jealousy that coursed through him at that moment.
"Sultan gave it to you?"
Mari snapped from her admiration of the bracelet cuff and peered up into Lo'gan's face. His voice was level but the muscles in his jaw were twitching. He was upset and for all the wrong reasons. She brought down her hand and the gold cuff clinked against the stone they were on.
"Sultan? No Sultan."
Lo'gan's jaw twitched again and despite his best effort not to look at Mari, turned to see the hurt in her eyes. She had understood what he had said and a spark of hope flickered in him, only to be tramped down by ever-present guilt.
"Then why……"
Lo'gan tightened his lips and instantly regretted bringing the whole thing up. Mari looked mortified when only a second ago she looked happy. They looked at each other silently until Mari brought the cuff in question up to the sky.
"Mari's family. Family……look."
Lo'gan didn't look, too drawn into her clear eyes to want to budge, so she pointed at it to draw his attention. When he did look, she reiterated with a lilting word he recognized was in her native language.
"Battavia. Mari's home."
Lo'gan looked back to see her tears and went to wipe them away, but Mari pushed his chin to move his face upwards again.
"Lo'gan look!"
He finally did look, really look and slowly it made sense. Mari had her index finger on the image of a lion made of eleven points carved into the wide gold band and he understood. It was a map. It wasn't a bracelet that the Sultan had given her, instead it was something from home. Ashamed of his assumption, Lo'gan moved to clutch at the hand and like his erotic dreams always began, brought the pale fingers to his lips.
"I didn't know. I'm sorry. Thata……that's to get home."
Mari closed her eyes at the contact and a single tear rolled down her cheek. She hated moments like this. Moments when she felt so torn she felt she would go crazy. She choked on a sob unexpectedly and a half second later was wrapped in Lo'gan's thick arms. They remained in the embrace until she didn't have any more tears and finally pulling apart, Mari wordlessly got up and walked back to the tent she shared with widow Nisee. It was unfair to become involved with Lo'gan and if she had to do it over, she wouldn't have at all. It just complicated things and things were complex enough. She had seen the hurt on his face when he understood that that cuff was a way home and she was tired of hurting him. It would all end and it would be for the better.
Lo'gan did not watch her go, instead kept looking on at the distant stars in the sky. Perhaps the Sultan hadn't given her the cuff, but it was actually worse now that he knew just how much she wanted to go back. Deep inside, he had hoped that time would change her mind. It would take weeks to reach the al Nafud desert and maybe Mari would change her mind and stay with him. Except it was clear now that that would not happen. She sometimes spent hours rubbing the cuff on her arm while riding or talking or laughing at Harabi's weak jokes. She contemplated going home all the time, more than he had thought possible and that killed all the faint hope he had harvested the past few days leaving Ma'in. Ignoring the acute ache in the pit of his stomach, Lo'gan sat there all night, thinking and wondering and tracing the curved trajectory of an eleven point lion as it moved across the sky.
Since that night, Lo'gan and Mari barely spoke. Even riding together from sun up until sun down, they said little and shared less. Once the rains stopped and the ground grew firmer, Sheik Shammar had been ordering a full camp set-up every night, which meant there was more work to do. The elder women carted off Mari the minute they stopped moving and kept her busy until nightfall. Lo'gan too was occupied in briefings with the men that attempted to explain why the coastal storm failed to affect the desert winds. With all the work, Mari and Lo'gan conveniently kept out of each other's reach and it wasn't until he zoned out of Shammar's latest meeting that Harabi noticed.
After Shammar finally concluded his new thoughts on the unpredictable weather patterns, the men dispersed and Harabi ambled over to where Lo'gan was busy setting up a sheep corral. To the untrained eye, Lo'gan looked as snarly and nonchalant as ever, but to an old pro like him, Harabi knew that Lo'gan was just trying to keep tabs on Mari who was trying her hand at kneading with the women a short distance away.
"Need help?"
Lo'gan took one look at Harabi's best effort to look unassuming and snorted distrustfully.
"No."
The Dawasir was unfazed however, and quickly picked up the rolled up fence to unfurl another section for Lo'gan to pound into the ground.
"That Shammar really is a bore, ain't he?"
Lo'gan quirked an eyebrow at the renowned conman and went through a mental list of things he might want. Coming up blank, he lifted the mallet he had been working with and not waiting for Harabi to back into a safe distance, brought the mallet crashing down onto a post. The move made a few of the kids still trying to herd the sheep behind them whelp and Harabi jump, but at least the post was all the way into the ground with one strike. Harabi swallowed hard and took another hasty step back to unfurl another yard long section of fencing.
"You seem tense."
Lo'gan paused as he swung the mallet in mid air and looked unbelievingly at his lanky partner.
"What?"
Harabi shifted his weight from one foot to the other and feeling courageous tried again.
"I was just worried, because you know, you and uhh, Mari seemed a little……"
A crash of a post being driven into the ground stopped him cold.
"That's none of your business, Dawasir……and I'm not `tense'."
Tempted to laugh at Lo'gan's expense, but quickly reminded of who had the mallet, Harabi moved into `so prove it' mode. The technique seldom worked with Lo'gan, but he was occasionally known to be lucky. It was actually his middle name. Plus he knew Lo'gan was not going to hurt him. They were past that already.
"Yeah, that's why she's there looking sad and you're here trying to look busy instead of well, practicing your words or doing whatever it is that you two do."
This time, Harabi was caught off guard when Lo'gan dropped the mallet and took a step closer to him. For a minute Harabi wondered if Lo'gan would hurt him……but then figured nah, he was only that scary looking because of the shitless deal. The man had plenty of thobe shirts, he knew this only because he'd been through his pack when the Jabir wasn't looking and yet he never wore them.
"What we do," Lo'gan thought that over and amended his threat, "or `not' do, is none of your damn business, Dawasir. So if you want to keep your parts intact, leave now."
Harabi stared at Lo'gan's stern features with mouth agape for a minute before deciding to lay it all on the line. Lo'gan might look threatening, but they both knew they were past the point he would actually hurt him. Bursting into an uproarious laughter, Harabi draped an arm over Lo'gan's shoulder and slapped him on the back. The boys that were busy herding the sheep near them, exchanged worried looks.
"Look Lo'gan. We are brothers and as such, you do not have to feel ashamed. It is all right. Trust me, women are hard to understand. This is nothing. Now tell Harabi what is going on and we'll make it better….."
Lo'gan deftly cut Harabi's words with his hold on his thobe's collar. With a snarl, he brought the younger man to his face, lifting him a few inches off the ground. Harabi stared at Lo'gan's furious gaze and wondered if he had miscalculated Lo'gan's tolerance. For him to be that testy, it must have been really bad.
"How many times have I told you that I am not your bro……"
"Lo'gan?!"
Harabi watched with inner glee as Lo'gan's eyes widened and he was dropped like a hot coal. Worse than that, Lo'gan was now the one patting him familialy on the back. Mari approached them with the look Miznih mastered; hands on hips, one eyebrow up, disapproving lips tightly pressed.
"Harabi, okay?"
The Dawasir suppressed an all out laugh and brushed the question away.
"Of course, of course Mari. I see you're cooking."
Mari looked down at her floury hands and shrugged a little.
"Cooking."
Harabi gave Lo'gan a sidewards glance full of triumph before stepping forward to intercept Mari. Lo'gan tensed a little when he saw him usher her away. He really didn't like it when Harabi touched her, but it was better than having him just stand there looking at her like a wordless idiot. He didn't know why, but he just couldn't speak to her anymore.
"Yeah, it smells great. Looking forward to it. Consider me your first customer."
Mari looked at Harabi questioningly and raised her other eyebrow. He always seemed to talk a step too fast to understand anything he said. It was superbly annoying, but she liked Harabi nevertheless. She had learned all her swear words from him and he did tricks like stand on his head to make her laugh when Lo'gan wasn't around.
"Custermerrr?"
"Yeah, hun. Customer. Why don't you go finish?"
With that Harabi gave her a slight shove that propelled Mari to where the other women pulled her back into their cooking frenzy. Mari looked back unsurely past Harabi's grin to where Lo'gan was staring at her with an unreadable expression. The two were always squabbling, but she did not really think Lo'gan could hurt Harabi anymore. They were past that already.
Removing her gaze away from Lo'gan's with some effort, Mari sighed heavily and returned her attentions to where she was being instructed on making the perfect yoghurt-cheese to accompany biscuits. Luckily she wasn't being quizzed, because she heard nothing of the lecture. Her thoughts were on the men a short distance away, no doubt talking about her and the dark eyes she knew were glued to every move she made.
It took all of her effort sometimes not to run over and fling her arms around her dark Bedouin, but she had made herself a promise. She would keep her distance from Lo'gan for the remainder of their trip because it was the right thing to do. She did not have a future with him and painful as it was, she knew things were better this way. Their relationship would escalate and if let alone would only make their separation harder. Mari only hoped that Lo'gan understood that it was not because she didn't care for him that she did not want to be around him, but because she cared too much.
Lo'gan leaned on one of the corral posts and looked at Mari, trying to keep up with her cooking tutorial. He really didn't think it was possible, but the distance between them was killing him. Slowly, but very surely, it was killing him. Thinking over the last three days, Lo'gan didn't even feel it when Harabi settled in next to him on the partially built fence. He was tempted to pound the guy, but he had a point, and he was frankly long past that anyway. Even Harabi knew that.
"I don't think I can do it."
Harabi smoothed out the thobe Lo'gan wrinkled when he grabbed him by the collar and muttered under his breath.
"Do what?"
Lo'gan thought over his reasons and went with the one that kept him awake the most.
"Let her go."
Harabi paused in mid brush and looked over at the man who was once his most hated rival. It was worse than he thought and out of his range of experience to boot. Not that he didn't have difficulties saying goodbye to Miznih, but at least she was there, ready to welcome him back with open arms whenever the winds blew him to Ma'in. Well, sort of. Lo'gan and Mari were different. Their time together was limited and inherently building up to that very certain good-bye.
"So don't."
Lo'gan raised an eyebrow and mentally swiped a stray lock of auburn hair behind Mari's ear from long distance. A few seconds later, she did it herself.
"How?"
Harabi scratched his head and thought that over, all urgency to corral sheep totally gone. The boys that were in charge of keeping them had been long gone to play somewhere else.
"You know, just don't say goodbye. You might see her again."
Lo'gan snorted and crossed his arms.
"She'll never leave her family again. She longs for them like I long for her."
Harabi processed that and admitted to himself that it was true. She loved him, he knew enough to know that, but she withdrew because she wanted to go home. It was a tough call.
"Then go with her."
Lo'gan shifted his weight and nodded his head in defeat.
"You know there might be conflict with the Sultan. My clan needs me and I can't let them down. You understand this. It is why you can't leave your father and stay with Miznih neither."
It was now Harabi's turn to snort in agreement. He kicked at the dusty soil under his feet and together they stood silent for a long time. Eventually everything around them grew darker and the sheep lay down to rest in their incomplete pen. The two friends brooded silently over their own dilemmas until something occurred to Harabi.
"Then if you can't go and she can't stay, wait for the third option."
Lo'gan finally took his gaze from Mari's cloaked form and looked at his companion, completely intrigued by a possibility he might not have credited.
"And what's that?"
Harabi placed a sympathetic hand on Lo'gan's shoulder.
"That's to let fate decide, Lo'gan. Just let fate decide."
With that, Harabi stood to his feet and went to continue his work on the corral. Lo'gan stood in place a few minutes longer, thinking over what that meant. Eventually he flexed his hands and went to pick up the mallet he had dropped on the ground. Thoughtfully and in complete silence, the two desert warriors finished their work as the sun set behind them.
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