”Promise not to hit me if I let you go?” Because if you don’t stop struggling you’ll fucking hurt yourself.
“Marie! Can I let you go?” Fuck this. I don’t hit women. Scratch that, there was that blue bitch. Didn’t mind smacking her around. I don’t hit Marie. Not without a good reason.
“Marie! Look at me!” There. She’s almost here. Almost. Won’t take much to bring her over.
“Look at me. I will fucking slap you black and blue if you don’t stop kicking and screaming at this instant. Understood?” Don’t turn that head… Look in to my eyes!
“Is that understood?” Fuck. Fuckety-fuck. Don’t usually mind wrapping her hair around my fist, but this is different. Don’t usually have to do it to stop her from biting me.
“Marie!” Oww… For fuck’s sake… She sure knows what to do with her knees… Holy shit…
“Kid. I will knock you out now. When you wake up, I will be here.”
Downside of living two hundred and plus years. Temporary insanity. Has happened to me exactly twice. Once before I met Marie, second time she was luckily at work. Had the time to calm down and clean up the mess before she got home.
I have been actually expecting this. When she will crack up. I saw the signs. Nervousness. Paranoia. Small twitches. Mood swings. Yeah. Could be describing myself there. Hell, I never even tried to claim that I was sane!
I’m no shrink, but I think it happens because at that moment you realize how fucking alone in this world you are. How detached from the reality you are. How little you have in common with people you see every day. They have their friends and families. Relatives. Whole lifelines expanding all around them, and all you have is your own line. And when you turn your head and look at it… It’s so fucking thin and frail, knotted and frayed, and alone. Just one line. No other lines connecting with it.
Sure. We have each other. Would have gone nuts, crawled under a biggest rock I could find and died without her in my life for well over hundred years ago. And I think it’s the same for her. But in the long run, it’s not enough. We’re not built to stand on our own. We need family around us. New generations. All we have had was borrowed, and it got taken away far too early.
We have had exactly one child of our own. One. We got through two months before she had miscarriage. After that nothing. And like I said to that doc before we had Anna, it can’t be because we’re out of practice.
Fuck. Shouldn’t think about these things at this hour. Shouldn’t even be awake, sitting out here. I should go back inside and curl my carcass around her, because when she wakes up, she will be absolutely horrified and alone. I was both times it happened. Both figuratively and literally.
“Logan!”
“I’m here, kid. I‘m right here.”
Hands and legs around her. It’s probably not enough, but there’s only one way I could get closer to her, more in contact, and I’m not sure if she wants that right now.
“What happened?”
“Just relax. I’m here. I’m going to take care of you.”
She’s burrowing against me, as close as possible. No screaming. No kicking. Just a scared and confused woman. She’ll remember soon what happened. Maybe she remembers already. Her skin feels cold and clammy, and she’s trembling all over.
“I hit you.”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“I tried…”
“Marie, it doesn’t matter.”
“I fucking tried to kill you!”
“Hush. Don’t worry. Everything’s okay now.”
Yup. She remembers. Nearly broke my eardrums with that scream.
“Let go of me! Let go!”
“Hss… Calm down. I’ve got you.”
“Get away from me before I hurt you again!”
“You won’t hurt me. You didn’t hurt me.”
Well, maybe a little when you kneed me, but I heal. It takes a lot more to really hurt me, and even when she was trashing and screaming, trying to tear my throat open, it looked like she was holding back.
“Hush. Just calm down, honey.”
“Why? Why did I do something like that?”
“Don’t know. Don’t care. Just calm down now. I’m here. I won’t go anywhere. I’m here for you.”
I’m here for you. I will be here for you. There’s no way in hell I could leave you ever.
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