Rogue was sitting on the windowsill, staring out into the darkness, when she heard the heavy steps approaching her room, stopping outside her door, the doorknob being turned. She focused her eyes on the drops of rain that splashed against the window, slowly trailing down the glass like salty tears. All those tears that had been cried a year ago, people huddled together in grief over the marble headstone out in the garden. So many tears, and it wasn't even Jean's real grave. And so many tears since then...
She tried to remember others' tears, make them push away her own, her own reasons for pain, and felt a pang of guilt at the selfish thought that she couldn't. Jean had been important to many people, including her, but she had her own life, and she was still *alive* to live it, with all its hurt and disappointment.
But of all people, Logan surely would be the last person to see that, see her. Well, maybe except for Scott, who still didn't see much of anything besides old photos and vanished dreams of the future.
"Hey Marie."
She sighed. More raindrops rolled down the window. She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand and tried to keep the longing out of her voice. She shouldn't, couldn't want his comfort now. This was not her day to grieve.
"I'm not really fit for company right now, Logan."
"Who is?"
She felt him come closer to her, approach until she could see his reflection in the wet glass, crystalline drops running down his face.
Almost against her own will, she scooted a little to the left, so he could sit down beside her. "Why are you crying?"
She sniffled. "Do I really need to give a reason?" She hoped that the answer would be enough, that he'd let it go, and at the same time she didn't. She had no idea what would be worse; his ignorance or his understanding.
"This is all about Jean?" At his skepticism, her head shot up, and she met his eyes with a mixture of anger and embarrassed guilt.
"I loved her too," she said. She didn't like how defensive she sounded. "Everyone did, you know."
He held her heated gaze for a few seconds then turned to look out the window. In the dark garden, a lone, black-clad figure was standing, unmindful of the rain. "I'm sorry." He gave a sigh. "I didn't mean it like that. I just_" He turned back to her, and she almost shrunk back from the concern in his eyes, the worry, for her.
Strangely, seeing it, seeing the empathy she had so wished for, made all her feelings bubble up to the surface again, and she sobbed, flinging herself into his arms.
"Tell me what's wrong."
The words left her mouth before she could stop herself, but then, he'd always had that effect on her. With him, she couldn't hold back. "Bobby broke up with me."
She felt his arms tense around her, pulling her closer as he stroked her back while she cried. "Why? He seemed- he seemed like he really loved you."
"He did." She laughed bitterly. Bobby really had loved her, even when she hadn't been able to love him back so unconditionally, and that was what hurt the most. "It's just...it wasn't enough."
Logan's voice was deep, and soothing, and she wondered how she could have believed that he didn't care anymore, when she had seen him hold up Scott, Storm, even the Professor, in his own gruff way, taking over the responsibilities he had run from before and installing himself as an important part of the school that had lost one of its dearest. He hadn't forgotten his promise. It just wasn't exclusively her alone anymore that he took care of. The thought brought both a hint of bitterness and a deep affection for him, knowing that he himself hadn't been at his strongest either when he had lent his strength to others. As he did now to her...
"What wasn't enough?"
"Me. I wasn't enough. Not like this, not when he couldn't ever really be close to me. I thought maybe it'd work, because he really, really cared about me. But it wasn't enough." The damp flannel beneath her cheek caressed her skin as she sighed, her chest still heaving with sobs. "If it wasn't enough even then, how will it ever be?" she whispered.
She felt his fingers draw idle circles on the small of her back, and she shivered at the touch. "Do you really think this" he tightened his arms around her "was what he meant by not really close? Aren't we close right now?"
"It's different with you." The words had slipped out, and she bit her tongue. Silence stretched endlessly, it seemed, and she held her breath, expecting that he'd let her go now, but he didn't.
"Yeah," he finally said, and she winced at how sad he sounded. "Poor popsicle boy."
With a jerk, she was out of his arms and shrunk back as far as she could. "What?"
Her irritation rose as he leaned forward and sought her eyes with his, giving her a serious look. "Close. He meant close here." He tapped her chest with one finger, where her heart was.
With a loud smack, she pushed his hand away and jumped up, allowing her anger at him, at herself, to drown the shame and guilt and *heartache*, because Logan had seen through her so completely, and he looked nothing but sad. Sad and sympathetic.
"Since when are you Mr. Insightful?" she shot at him, trying to negate everything she had silently given him credit for just minutes ago. He shouldn't see this, see through her like this, when she had just convinced herself it wasn't her fault, it was her skin, just her skin...
"Well, I've been there." Her head shot up at his hard tone, and the fact that he'd gotten up and was now towering over her, his closeness choking her up with anxiety and longing. "And poor Bobby is for you what I was for Jean."
"Shut up." Inside her, the bits and pieces she had absorbed from Bobby over the time they'd been together whispered that it was true, that it really hadn't been about her skin at all, and all about where her heart was, the missing piece that she never could have given to Bobby. She raised her hands to shut off her ears, not hear those whispers, the things Logan was saying, but of course it didn't help. "Shut up! It was my skin, my skin..." She broke down going to her knees next to the bed and burying her face in the soft mattress.
For a few seconds, Logan was utterly quiet then she felt him get down next to her and wrap his arms around her again.
"Shhh. It's going to be alright."
She lifted her face to look at him. "Oh God, Logan, I'm so fucked up. How can you say it's going to be alright?"
"Because it is." He fixed his eyes on hers with an intensity that reminded her of the train, at another crucial point in her life, and once again, she felt the strange certainty that she could trust him with this. "Because it's not about your skin at all. Because you still have all your love to give, Marie, and when you do, it's going to be different."
Right then, in that moment that he held her so close, looked at her with all that emotion, that assurance, she wanted to tell him that she really didn't have her love to give to anyone, anyone *else* any more, that he was *her* Jean, but something in his eyes stopped her, something that he tried to hide, that said, maybe...maybe...
"You promise?"
The answer was quick, and not at all hesitant, and it made her hope. "I promise."
And it was enough. At least for the time being. She nodded, and he let her go, stood, and pulled her up by her gloved hand.
"Better now?"
"Yeah." She wiped her hand across her face, brushing away the last of her tears, and took a deep breath. "I'm OK."
"Good." He squeezed her hand once more, then turned to the door, and she knew that he'd go down to look after Scott now. "Night, Marie."
"Good night, Logan." The door shut with a quiet click, and Rogue sat down on her bed, sighing heavily. Outside, the rain had stopped. The clouds were still looming over the mansion though, hiding the stars and the light of the moon. Beneath her window, she could hear footsteps on the wooden porch, and a voice talking quietly.
Then, everything was silent. Rogue lay back on her bed, closing her eyes. Tomorrow, she would go apologize to Bobby, let him go completely. Then she'd wait, and hope that indeed, they'd all be OK.
Now, she could almost believe it.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Catlin, for very in-depth comments, as always and a huge thank-you to J. Marie T. for suggesting a title, super-speedy previewing and correcting my mistakes, so I could post this while it's still fresh.