"Eleven and she was gone.
Eleven is when we waved good-bye.
Eleven is standing still,
Waiting for me to free him
By coming home."
In the end, his grand trek to find his origins wasn't that grand at all - four months, that's all it took. Mere days to reach the base Xavier had directed him to, a few weeks to wander the deserted complex and reach the conclusion that whoever had moved out of the base had pretty well cleaned house when they left.
Not that he had really been expecting to find that much -- on this trip, at least. Xavier had sent him to the closest unused base to the point at which the X-Men had found him, an approach roughly akin to picking a random point on a map and beginning a search there. The more logical approach would have been to start from the point where he had been found fifteen years ago - wandering confused and without memory in a snowy national forest - and work outward from there.
But Logan really hadn't left Westchester expecting to solve the mystery of his origins. He left because Xavier had promised his aid in exchange for Logan's cooperation with the whole Magneto business. Because landing his ass in the Medlab saving the day and then refusing the promised compensation made him come across as just a bit too selflessly heroic for his own tastes. Because an untouchable doe-eyed girl who owed him her life several times over was "a little bit taken with him," and the implications of that one needed a bit of time to be sifted through and settled in his mind.
"Hold your light,
Eleven.
Lead me through each gentle step by step
by inch by loaded memory."
It was that last reason that really chased him out of the school, the state, and the fucking country. He left because Jean's little comment in the Medlab had left him just a little too pleased, because the crack about Rogue having absorbed some of his personality for a few days had given him not just an amusing mental image but a slightly possessive thrill, because the sight of Rogue in clingy black following him to the door with wide worried eyes had left him fighting the urge to just drop his backpack in the hallway and postpone his trip indefinitely.
There was a part of him still kicking himself for not having done just that. The Wolverine, snarling irascibility and raging libido wrapped up in animalistic instinct, popped up from half- drunken musings and lascivious dreams alike to demand that he point Cyke's bike towards New York and hit the go-button. Immediately. Right Now. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
Logan, however, keeping the beast in check about as well as he mostly did, maintained enough control to maintain his distance. He rummaged through the abandoned base for a good week past the point of concluding that nothing useful was to be found there, and once giving up on the hunt managed to keep himself from heading straight for Westchester at Mach 5. Possessive rumblings of the Wolverine aside, Marie was a kid who had taken a chance on the first mutant she met and clung to what was no doubt the first semi-stable element in her life since leaving home. As much as he wanted to go charging back to the X-Mansion and start experimenting with ways to get around that pesky mutation of hers, the honorable part of him demanded that he give her a bit of time to get settled and comfortable at Xavier's school. Time to relax and realize that she was among trustworthy people. Time to adjust to the life-altering events of the few days he had shared with her. Time to realize it, if what she had felt for him had been merely a girlish crush - only to be expected, given that he had not only rescued her from being stranded in Laughlin City but had actually nearly gotten himself killed saving her life. Time possibly to give up whatever rosy pink fantasies had been floating around in that head of hers regarding him (okay, if his personality had left any remaining mark in her head any fantasies were more likely to be deep purple), and move on to one of those punk kids she was going to classes with...
That last thought made the Wolverine snarl. Logan managed to suppress the wash of irrational jealousy - okay, semi-rational, given that Jean had as much as told him the girl had a thing for him - and continued musing into his beer.
"Moving me with a sound.
Opening me within a gesture.
Drawing me down and in,
Showing me where it all began,
Eleven."
He couldn't recall where he had read or heard this from, but somewhere out there was a culture - Japanese? Pacific Islander? - that believed that to save a person's life meant, not exactly that they now owed you a chance to save your own if the opportunity presented itself or anything like that, but that their life was now your responsibility. In effect, they now more-or-less belonged to you. (The Wolverine really liked the implications of this theory.)
Logan wasn't sure he wanted to lend too much credence to the idea, but he couldn't help remembering the saying about never feeding a stray cat unless you were willing to adopt it for life. Letting her into his truck had been adopting her in a small sense, but under the circumstances there wasn't much choice - either pick the kid up, or leave her on the roadside to freeze or depend on the uncertain mercies of any passers-by. In the train, though, had been another story. He had gotten her to a place of safety (inadvertently, true, and while unconscious, but the fact remained that Xavier & Co. were pleased, willing, and equipped to care for his stray) and it was therefore not his responsibility if she chose to throw over the X-Crew and strike out on her own again.
Admittedly, his conscience would rest a lot easier if she were in a place of safety before they parted company. More to the point, the blood-freezing image of her shocked face at claws-length from his bedside wouldn't let him stand by while she fled. He had taken responsibility for her life in some small fashion, and then nearly snuffed that life out in a careless instant. The guilt alone had been enough to send him to the train station, promise to Xavier be damned.
"What was it like to see
The face of your own stability
Suddenly look away
Leaving you with the dead and hopeless?"
He hadn't expected her to find a new hold on him - what greater pull could this kid have on him than contributing one more bloody scene to his kaleidoscopic selection of nightmares? But learning that her touch had gifted her with not just the ability to survive the physical damage he had himself caused, but also with the lingering feel of his own uncomfortable collection of violently antisocial tendencies and psychological scars?
The great wonder was that - even knowing on a deep intimate level just what kind of a person she was sitting next to - she didn't flinch away from him. Instead, she shared what was probably the most painful moment in her own life up to that point, and leaned into his touch when he offered it. It wasn't his own guilt or the occasionally nagging sense of honor that made him offer to take care of her - it was that acceptance on her part, which hit him on a level he hadn't been prepared for.
"I'll move to heal
As soon as pain allows so we can
Reunite and both move on together."
And how had he taken care of her? By doing some flashy "heroic" stuff to keep her from getting killed, and then running away and leaving her with the X-Crew as soon as he was back on his feet.
He had no intention of just blowing off his promise to her by leaving her to the admittedly-tender care of Xavier & Co. The kid had run away at least twice before - once from home and once only a day after arriving at the school - and he couldn't assume that she wouldn't haul off and leave again if something sufficiently traumatic occurred to set her off. He was going back to her - the dogtag had been a physical token of that promise, and he hoped to hell that she would trust in his word enough to remain in Westchester until he got his act together and went back to her.
Because he was going back to her. Eventually. Just as soon as he had his head together enough to be reasonably certain that the Wolverine wouldn't pop up at the first scent of Marie, sling her over his shoulder, and carry her off to his room (or possibly merely to a secluded corner of the school grounds, rec room, or even the blasted garage ) for a bit of experimentation with gloves and scarves...
"Eleven has been and will be waiting,
Defending his light,
And wondering...
Where the hell have I been?
Sleeping, lost, and numb.
So glad that I have found you.
I am wide awake and heading home."
It took another three months of wandering the continent and pondering innumerable mugs of beer before he felt he could trust himself enough to return. In all that time the internal struggle between man and beast had lent a curious serpentine path to his travels, with Logan refusing to return to Westchester just yet and the Wolverine demanding that they return before some pimply teenager managed to take advantage of his absence and woo Marie right out from under him, so to speak. He had been very gradually growing closer to the school - as the crow or X-Jet could fly - but in a wide-ranging series of sweeps across the continent, edging closer to the goal in a sideways fashion.
"Hold your light,
Eleven. Lead me through each gentle step by step
By inch by loaded memory
'till one and one are one, eleven,
So glow, child, glow.
I'm heading back home."
"jimmy"
What was it like to see
The face of your own stability
Suddenly look away
Leaving you with the dead and hopeless?
Eleven and she was gone.
Eleven is when we waved good-bye.
Eleven is standing still,
Waiting for me to free him
By coming home.
Moving me with a sound.
Opening me within a gesture.
Drawing me down and in,
Showing me where it all began,
Eleven.
It took so long to realize that
You hold the light that's been leading me back home.
Under a dead ohio sky,
Eleven has been and will be waiting,
Defending his light,
And wondering...
Where the hell have I been?
Sleeping, lost, and numb.
So glad that I have found you.
I am wide awake and heading home.
Hold your light,
Eleven.
Lead me through each gentle step by step
by inch by loaded memory.
I'll move to heal
As soon as pain allows so we can
Reunite and both move on together.
Hold your light,
Eleven. Lead me through each gentle step by step
By inch by loaded memory
'till one and one are one, eleven,
So glow, child, glow.
I'm heading back home.
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000
Author's Chapter Notes:
1) Opening moves in an ongoing series. No smut in this installment, but I'm setting the stage for further NC17 action a story or two down the line.
2) Lyrics are from "jimmy," by Tool. All hail Maynard James Keenan, who kicks ass in both of his bands (Tool and A Perfect Circle, for those of you not recognizing the name). Yea verily, for his lyrics do inspire angst supreme...
3) Thanks be to jenn for offering beta commentary. :-)
2) Lyrics are from "jimmy," by Tool. All hail Maynard James Keenan, who kicks ass in both of his bands (Tool and A Perfect Circle, for those of you not recognizing the name). Yea verily, for his lyrics do inspire angst supreme...
3) Thanks be to jenn for offering beta commentary. :-)