I had her. For a moment I had her. For a brief moment she was smiling to me from behind those empty eyes and a mask of rage. She was there, right in the eye of the storm. She wasn’t smiling to me like she would have smiled for Scott. No love reserved for me. But understanding. At the end she finally understood. Thank God there was no pity. Just something… She acknowledged me. Told me with that smile of hers that she really knew. And then it was over.
“Logan?” Marie. What the hell is she doing in here anymore? It’s not like she needs this anymore.
“I heard what happened. I’m so sorry…” Why the fuck should she be sorry for? She got what she wanted. Got rid of the competition.
Yeah. I finally figured it out. The guy she was… Is in love with. It’s not Iceman like I originally thought. No. Destiny had far more cruel plans for her in reserve. It’s me. I don’t want it. I don’t need it. I don’t deserve it.
“Logan? Say something…” No.
“Talk to me, please.” No. I don’t know what’ll come out of my mouth if I open it now.
“It’s not healthy to keep it all inside. Let it out.” Let it out?
“I don’t love you.” There. Now it’s out. Happy?
“I… I kind of knew that already. But that’s not what I meant. You’re hurting. For a reason. Maybe talking about it would help.” And what the fuck there is to talk about? I killed her. She’s gone and it’s because of me. Because even she wasn’t strong enough to finish me off.
“No. I don’t think so.”
“Logan…”
“Will she come back if I talk about it with you? No. She won’t. She’s fucking dead. For good this time. I made sure of that. She won’t be coming back this time.”
“It wasn’t even Jean. It wasn’t Jean who you found from the Alkali Lake with Ororo. Jean was already gone. You did her a favor.”
“Fuck you. You weren’t even there. In the end… She was there. Not some fucking bitch from hell, but Jean. It wasn’t Phoenix who I stabbed…”
“I wasn’t there. But I’m here now. Ready to listen if you want to talk.”
“Read my lips. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Talk.” How hard it can be to understand? Not everything can be fixed with words. I know she means well, but I can’t deal with this shit now.
“Where are you going?” As if it is any of her business.
“Fight, fuck and drink. Not necessarily in that particular order.” I don’t want to hurt her, but if that’s what it takes to make her leave me alone…
There’s not enough booze. Not enough hard fisted men. Not enough women. They all lack in some aspect or the other. Booze is stale, watered down. Men don’t punch hard enough. Women are too redheaded, or they have all too familiar stench of runaway jailbait floating around them. I can’t get drunk, fighting is boring, and truth to be told, the last option on my to-do-list is starting to sound less appealing every passing minute. This place is too noisy. Too crowded. People are too drunk and speak too loudly. Move too fast. Too close. Fuck. I have to leave before I freak out and do something really un-manly, like crawl under this fucking table to cry.
Nah… Wouldn’t have cried anyway. Don’t have any tears left. I’m just so fucking tired. Tired of this shit that some people call life. Tired. So fucking tired, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I just have to keep going. Stopping to have chitchat with little girl isn’t the thing to do when your mind is screaming to throw her down and fuck her good and hard because maybe, just maybe that would make you forget the woman you just killed.
No matter how badly Marie pisses me off right now, I can’t use her like that. It wouldn’t be fair towards her. I may be a bastard, but I’m no fucking bastard.
“The fuck are you still doing here?” I thought she would have gotten the hint and taken off while I was gone.
“Uhh… I guess I fell asleep…” Yeah. On my bed.
“Couldn’t find your own bed?”
“Well, excuse me, mister Cranky… I’ll change the sheets…”
“Don’t bother. Just get the fuck out of here. I’m tired.”
“Can… Can I stay?” What the hell?
“Why? What the fuck do you want from me?”
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing. But I can’t just go to sleep when I know you’re hurting. Don’t make me leave, please…” And how the hell I’m supposed to resist that? She’s practically begging on her knees, wanting to spend the night with me.
“I already told you that I don’t love you. Not like her.” And that’s the fucking truth. She doesn’t even exist in the same universe with Jean.
“It doesn’t matter! I don’t care! You don’t have to love me! Just… Shit. Be a jerk. See if I care…”
Ouch.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
One more chappie coming up later.