September 24th. 4-p.m. mail call.
"Rogue," Ororo calls out.
Deep in thought gazing out of the window, I don't hear 'Ro call out my name.
~It's been two years since Logan had left. Two years of wearing his tags. Two years of wondering if he's ok and if he's found what he was looking for. Damn... the colors are beautiful this year. Ah wish Lo-- ~
"Rogue?" Ororo repeats.
"Mmm?" I reply shifting my focus from the landscape outside to the regal interior of the mansion.
"You have a package," she says.
"From who?" I ask curious.
Checking the package, Ororo responds, "It doesn't say but I think it's--"
Quickly making my way to the front of the small band of students I cast a quick glance about and grab the package from 'Ro before she finishes. Managing a small smile, I mumble my thanks and turn to head back to my room.
In these two years I've come to cherish my time with the elder X Men -The Professor, Jean, Scott and `Ro as well as those my age -Jubilee, Kitty, Bobby and John. But I suppose the thing I look forward to most is the daily mail call. Perhaps it's my own romantic inclinations or the fact that I worry so much about him, it's as if I wait desperately for word from him. I've gotten things from him at random times throughout these past years. Most times it's been a postcard with nothing more than "Beautiful... " or "They treatin' you alright?" or something to that effect scrawled upon them. Other times it's been a pinecone here or piece of petrified wood there. Today it was a padded envelope and oddly enough there was a plastic bag around it. No return address as usual but a Toronto postmark.
~Interesting. He's getting closer to New York... ~
Pausing at the door of my room, I wrestle with the bag and tear open the envelope and look inside - an audiocassette.
~Why do they always have to make these damn bags so hard to open?... Huh?~
I shut my door quietly and turn on my bedside lamp. Discarding the envelope, I sit down on my bed turning the cassette over and over in my lap. I notice that there's no label or case, just the cassette. An odd tingling sensation sweeps over me like I was having a premonition or something. My palms turned a bit sweaty and my throat constricts slightly. Why, I don't know.
~Maybe Ah was scared that it was a message saying that Logan's gone or too hurt. But they wouldn't send an audiocassette, they would send a letter. Right? Please Gawd... ~
I put the cassette into my stereo, grab the remote and notice my hand is trembling slightly as I press play. With a sigh, I close my eyes.
A crackling silence, then a throat clears.
"Marie."
A brief pause. I open my eyes and my eyebrow shoots up.
~Damn eyebrow and damn the Logan that's still in mah head.~
Just hearing his voice calms me, yet goose bumps dance across my arms. It causes my nose to betray my mind with the faintest scent of spicy cologne and broken-in leather.
"I--I"
I could hear the hint of nervousness in his voice and picture him with his brows furrowed, trying to put his feelings into words.
"Just listen to this please... ,"he mumbles quietly.
Not realizing I was holding my breath, I exhale loudly. Leaning against the headboard, I close my eyes and give in to the silence. A tambourine being shaken, spoken words...
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind
Then the song opens up...
And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight
~U2, Logan? Didn't know y'were into 'em.~
You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom
Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, can't buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight
And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home... hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home... I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
~What are ya trying to say, sugah? Are ya coming home soon? Are ya telling me to be strong? Ah already am, both in mind and body. Oh, just listen to the damn song Rogue. Quit twisting yer panties into a knot.~
I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All that you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
...
Fade to silence, crackling silence.
"I'm sorry Mar--"
A ragged drawn in breath, "I love you, darlin'"
A bit stunned, I let the tape run and unconsciously put my hand to my now open mouth. Tasting saline, I tilt my head down towards my lap and notice the remnants of fallen tears.
~Oh mah... ~
I don't know what to feel right now. Elation and confusion deemed themselves to be appropriate. And because it apparently was decided from the big man upstairs that they'd crashed through me it that order. Elated because finally after all this time, Logan has let me know that he loves me. Confusion as to why he apologized before his simple statement of love. Why he even sent this to me or even if he meant to send it to me. What was he trying to tell me? And of course that fifty thousand dollar question of what exactly IS that smeared on the envelope. I muttered softly to myself, "Why does anything that is even remotely related to Logan have to be so fucking complicated?"
Recalling the reaction I had when I first heard his voice coming through the stereo, I dig the envelope out of the waste bin, I put it up to my nose.
~Can't really smell anything... wait... leather?~
Then that weird tingling returns. Hurrying out of my room with the envelope still clutched in my hand, I walk down the hall and stop at Logan's door.
~Should Ah or shouldn't Ah? Oh fuck it.~
With that I crack the door open and peek around it. Hoping to see that he's lounging against the headboard reading the paper, but he's not. There's just a well made-bed, various pieces of furniture and dust bunnies. With tears threatening to fall and worry etched on my face, I make my way to the Professor's office. I enter his office without thinking of knocking, interrupting him while he's reading.
Glancing up from the sudden intrusion, he asks," Rogue. Have a seat. Are you alright?"
"Ah, no Professor, Ah'm not alright. Ah'm worried about Logan."
"Hmm... " As a look of brief concentration passes over Xavier's features as he searches the surrounding area for Logan's presence. Finding nothing, he goes against his better judgement and decides to not tell the young woman sitting in front of him. For she doesn't need anything else to cause additional worry.
"May I ask how this immediate concern about Logan was brought up?"
"With this, Professor." And I show him the padded envelope, which causes his eyebrows to raise.
"He sent a tape too. It's in... mah room. Ah left it cause Ah was sca-worried," I hastily added looking down to my lap.
Taking it and looking it over he asked, "What is this smeared on here?"
Shrugging I answer, "Good question. Ah don't know, but Ah did pick up a faint smell of leather from it."
Glancing at Xavier's face, I saw a slight look of surprise. "Ah still have that 'ol Canuck up here," tapping my right temple.
Pointing to the envelope, Xavier says, "Why don't I give this to Jean and perhaps she'll be able to identify the smudge. I must tell you that before he left, Logan did ask that we not bother him. But because you are so clearly wrought with worry, I'll see if I can locate him with Cerebro. It's late, why don't you and I meet here tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. and I'll let you know what I've found. Sound good to you?"
With probably a little too much hope in my voice I reply, "Sounds great to me, sugah! Thank you Chuck!"
Blushing slightly I apologize and hurry out of the office.
~Now Ah'm too keyed up to do anything. Maybe Ah'll head up to the roof and watch the stars come out... yeah, that's a great idea, Rogue~
On my way up to the roof, I stop to get my Walkman and Logan's cassette. Settling onto the bench that was installed on the roof cause apparently this was a prime spot to just sit and think, I slip the headphones over my ears and stare out into to the gathering dusk. I guess I never realized how pretty the school grounds were. I hit play and stare at a tree in the distance...
~Maybe Ah'm reading too much into the lyrics, but what if Ah'm not reading into it as much as Ah should. Gawd... his voice is beautiful. Why? Why did he apologize? And what for?~
Looking up into the now dark sky, the first stars have come out. I notice two stars adjacent to each other shining more brightly that the others like --
~Like what, Rogue? Like a pair of eyes looking down on ya? Looking after you? Man, what are you smokin'?~
"Ah've got to put this tape away," mumbling to myself.
One month earlier
The sudden metallic taste of blood. In quick succession, vertebrae snapping, blows to the back and a sharp pain centered on the backside of the chest. A cry of pain exploding from the lips, "Maarriieee!" A body falls to the ground. Blackness.
"Get rid of him."
"Yes sir. Uh, where sir?"
"Sir, did he just scream out what I thought he did?"
"That is inconsequential. Dispose of his body as you see fit."
"You heard him, let's go. Grab him under his shoulders."
"Ungh... he's fucking heavy!"
"Shut up. Mmgh... Over to the sedan."
The volley of car doors slamming and an engine being gunned then silence. Moments later, in what seemed to be an empty alley, the unmarked rather conventional looking sedan pulled to a stop. The distinct sounds of doors opening and closing, grunting and hushed whispers could be heard throughout the alley.
"Just dump him here."
"Here? Are you sure?"
"Do YOU want to carry him any farther?"
"No. This looks good."
Crunching cardboard, shifting bags and a faint barely heard grunt float deeper down the alley.
"Let's get out of here."
The alley fell back into silence after the two suited men drove off. It's often said that appearances can be deceiving and if the two men had checked out the alley before dumping the battered body, they would have found a hunched homeless man sleeping in a doorway farther down the dead end street.
Roused awake by the commotion at the head of the alley, the homeless man made his way towards the front of the alley. A pair of beat-up sneakers stopped in front of the discarded body. A hand hindered by swollen joints reached down towards the exposed skin of the neck, feeling for a pulse. Finding none or it seemed there was none, he let out a small sigh.
~Why does this shit happen? I'm so sick of it... seeing it everyday all around me. I suppose it's just human nature.~
If the old man had pressed a little harder, he would have felt the faintest trace of one not easily registered by touch alone. The hunched man tentatively searched both pockets coming up with a lighter, a half-smoked cigar and a five-dollar bill. Glancing at the jacket, he debated on taking it and remembered the snatches of the conversation earlier, he wisely debated against it. Looking at the dead man's body he saw that his t-shirt was ripped and bloodied and his face bruised, swollen and cut - the blood already coagulating in spots. The corner of an envelope caught his attention and he stooped a bit to pull it out. As he did, a crumpled photograph caught on the edge dropped onto the deceased man's chest. A picture of a girl - a beautiful girl with a shocking white streak of hair smiling shyly at the camera. The hunched old man looked from the photograph to the envelope in his hand and back to the photo. The envelope, crumpled and addressed to "Marie", clearly was sitting in the pocket for a while. The same hand that felt for a pulse, returned the photo to its pocket which coincidentally sat over the man's heart. Turning from the body, the hunched homeless man put the dead man's possessions in his pockets and shuffled from the alley into the streets of Toronto.
The fog of unconsciousness slowly began to lift as the blackness receded forty-eight hours after the near fatal encounter. The sour stench of garbage hit Logan's senses but did not wake him, only letting him know of his throbbing head. Finding it hard to breathe, raising his head and cracking an eye open coming face to face with a flea-infested cat lounging comfortably on his chest. Sensing the sudden movement of the body beneath it, the mangy feline tensed, hissed and ran off. Aching and throbbing in places not thought possible, Logan let his head fall back and closed his eyes.
"Get out of the way!"
"No YOU get out of the fucking way!"
Horns blaring, tires screeching, foot traffic abound as the sounds of the morning rush hour woke me from my restless yet surprisingly dreamless slumber.
Dry scrubbing my roughed up face, I grumbled, "Ugh... fuck... "
Opening my eyes and groggily patting myself down, an unconscious habit left over from God knows when, I slowly sit up.
~What the--? Where-who the fuck took my lighter?! My cigar?! Get a grip on yourself, man. It's just a lighter and a cigar - a half smoked one at that. At least the bastards didn't take your wallet.~
With that thought, I shifted my weight and patted my butt then moved up to my upper chest. Brows knitted into a frown, I reached into the hidden pocket fingers brushing against the crinkled photo but not the envelope.
"What the f-- ?"
Pulling out the photo, I put it to my nose and sniffed - sweat tinged with alcohol leaving its permanent mark in my head starting a slow boil of rage deep in the pit of my stomach.
SNIKT! Throughout the alley, adamantium claws could be heard bursting through a clenched fist.
~When I find the bastard who took my shit, I'm gonna gut him like a fish! He better hope that all he did with that envelope is mail it out--Jesus... Marie!~
Retracting the claws, I stand up and roll my head about popping the kinks from my sore neck then determinedly stalk out of the alley blending into the morning traffic. By late afternoon, I had bought a pair of jeans, a packet of t-shirts, a flannel shirt as well as a knapsack from an Army supply store and was on my way to the outskirts of the city to find a place to hole up for a few days. When dusk began to settle, I walked into the overly warm office of the first motel that met my needs.
DING! Tripping a sensor on the door, it alerted the motel owner to my presence.
Wincing at the sound, I suddenly became aware of the sour stench emanating off of my less than clean clothes.
~Damn. I smell ripe.~
Stepping out of her office and eyeing me warily, the slightly overweight woman asked, "Can I help you sir?"
Glaring at her, I replied rather harshly, "I'd like a room and some extra soap."
~Never got how a person was supposed to clean themselves with a rinky-dink piece o' soap like that.~
"Uh... ok. Here's your, uh, room key. Room 34. And, uh, the extra soap which will, uh, be on me sir."
Leaving the cash on the counter and grabbing the key and soap, I left without a word. Moments later, I unlocked the door to Room 34 and stepped in. Letting my eyes wander throughout the room, I noticed that it was a simple affair with a well-made bed, nightstand with lamp, dresser and mirror, TV and bathroom.
~Decent enough. This'll do fine. Now to do something with this smell... ~
Locking the door I dropped the knapsack at the foot of the bed and sat down to remove my boots. Heading towards the bathroom and shower, I began stripping the putrid smelling clothes leaving an unpleasant trail in my wake. Turning on the water to its hottest setting, I stepped in hoping to let the warming water soothe me. Running rough hands through dark, unruly hair, I titled my face towards the spray of hot water. Emitting a soft rumbling sigh, I began ridding myself of the stench of garbage with the tiny bar of soap. Scrubbing vigorously, I started with my fingers then large square hands proceeding down hairy forearms much like a doctor prepping for surgery. Moving over solid biceps to my upper torso, I concentrated on my aching shoulders letting the warm sudsy liquid run down the sharp planes of my back. Moving quickly towards my lower torso, I thoroughly cleansed a well-muscled abdomen then scrubbing along both sides and armpits, all the while hot water running in rivulets through the hair on a well-toned body. Shifting my weight slightly, I started on powerful thighs downward to my calves and feet. Straightening I inched forward and let the water engulf me to rinse away the soap and filth. Turning to lean against the back wall of the shower with one hand resting above my head and the other in a fist waist level, I closed my eyes. Images of what happened pre-blackout flashed through my mind.
Tearing down a back street on a borrowed bike.
Flash of black. Body and bike skidding to a halt. Unconsciousness.
Large needle being filled with a milky substance.
Struggling, then being held down. "Nnnoooooo!"
Brief sting of pain. Seizuring. Mind delving into fuzziness.
Fist rushing to meet his face.
Crumpling to the ground. Boots, chains, clubs.
Staccato of pain surrounding, enveloping him.
The sickening sound of vertebrae snapping. A shotgun blast.
An anguished scream, "Mmaarrriieee!" The acidic odor of gun smoke. Blackness.
SNIKT!
Eyes snapping open, I glance down at my clenched fist, adamantium is buried deep within the tiled wall of the small shower. Cursing, I turn to shut off the water and step out to towel myself off.
~Shit... maybe she won't notice... ~
Wrapping the towel around my waist, I collect the remnants of my clothing and begin scrubbing them clean. Half an hour later, I had discarded the torn and bloodied t-shirt and hung my worn jeans, socks and boxer briefs up to dry. Stepping out of the bathroom I dressed in fresh jeans and a t-shirt, grabbed my wallet, key and beat-up leather jacket then promptly stalked out of the room to find a bar.
The Brazenhead, a local Irish pub, was a jumping place tonight. Groups of people sitting at tables, standing and of course occupying the two bars inside. In the background, a mix of old, Irish drinking songs and classic rock competed with the whispered voices, loud conversations and raucous laughs. The moment I stepped in from the street, the place went silent.
~Shit. And this is why I go to the bars that I go to. Why did I even bother coming here? This place is like fuckin' "Cheers"~
Pausing to glare, I growled out a warning, "You got a problem?"
Gradually the people return to their previous conversation. Relieved that the spotlight was no longer on me, I made my way to an apparently hard-to-come-by empty stool by the bar.
"Whaddya have, mate?"
"I'll take 3 shots of whiskey and a Guinness. AND I'm not your mate," I respond dropping bills on the bar.
Pouring the shots, the obviously imported Irishman behind the bar commented, "Haven't seen ya aroond here."
"Just got into town a few days ago. What's it to ya, bub?"
"Jesus, put your hackles doown. I was jus' commentin' cause everyone here's a regular, even 'ol Harry who jus' walked in," calmly remarked the man tending bar placing the shots and Guinness down in front of me.
With eyebrow arched, I knocked back the shots in quick succession slamming the shot glasses down on the bar rather loudly and put a hand around my Guinness. Raising the glass for the first sip, a faint aroma of garbage, sweat and alcohol hit me full on.
~What IS that smell? It's familiar... the alley... the bastard that stole my shit!~
With a white-knuckled adamantium-itching grip on the glass, I glanced over my shoulder to catch sight of a hunched elderly homeless man threading his way through the crowd to the bar.
Looking up and making eye contact with the stranger staring intently at him over his shoulder, Harry stopped stunned and paled considerably then abruptly turned to hurriedly make his way out.
~THAT is the bastard that took my stuff?! You've got to be shittin' me. Calm down, Logan. He obviously thought you were dead. Whoa -hey - he's leaving.~
Before he could reach the door, Harry felt a large hand on his shoulder. Turning, he saw that the body he found in the alley was very much alive and standing in front of him glaring.
"Drink, old man?"
"Uh, sure."
"Follow me."
Close to the bar, I growled at the guy sitting next to my still empty stool causing the guy to quickly vacate his own. The barkeep with one brow raised merely looked on in slight amusement.
"Guinness?"
"Uh, no. I can't, uh, stand that stuff. Just, uh, a regular beer."
With a slight smirk, I spoke to the 'tender, "Harry'll have a beer."
When his beer was in front of him, Harry took a large swallow and turned to the previously deceased man sitting next to him, "I thought you were dead. I, uh, could have sworn that you, uh had no pulse. I, uh, checked."
"Uh, huh. Where's my stuff, bub? The lighter, cigar AND the envelope."
Taking another large sip of his beer, Harry continued, "Well, I threw out the cigar." Glancing at Logan briefly. "Then I pawned the lighter. Very, uh, nice lighter by the way. So I could get , uh, a couple drinks. And I kept the envelope for another day or so."
"You what?! Do you--GIVE me the envelope."
"I--I don't have it on me anymore."
"What do you mean you don't have it anymore?!"
Looking nervously around, Harry whispered, nearly whimpering, "I mailed it out this morning."
"YOU what?!"
"I'm--I'm sor--sorry sir. Who--who's Marie?"
"Shut. Up."
Groaning, I put my head in my hands.
~Shit. Shit. Shit. ... Marie. Shit.~
Decision made, I get up and walk out of the pub leaving a baffled barkeep and an equally confused and rather frighten old man at the bar. The second I left, the barkeep leaned over to Harry and asked, " What the hell was that about?"
"Oh, it's a long story. Maybe another night."
And with that last statement, Harry got up following the previously deceased man out the door and disappeared into the Toronto night.
Stepping into the cool of the night, I turned to head up the street wrestling with my thoughts.
~Should I go back? Maybe this is a chance for the kid to move on and grow... damn, but I promised I would protect her. I am though, protecting her from a crass, belligerent old man. Shit Logan, you know she IS the one who changed the way you look at the world now.~
Without realizing it, I had stopped in front of a dingy biker bar, The Gryphon's Eyrie and with slight hesitation, I entered the establishment.
~Now, this is more like it. No one really giving a shit as to who comes here.~
Sauntering over to the bar with determination etched on my face, I asked for a beer and headed towards the occupied pool tables. Leaning against the wall, I watched two burly men play their game. Noticing the stack of bills on the table, a smirk broke out on my face. Feeling a pair of eyes on him, the heavier of the two burly men glared at the stranger watching them.
~Ok, take it easy Bill, he's just watching you play. Intense guy. Weird hair.~
"You wanna play?"
Glaring right back at the man, I responded, "Yeah. I'll play the winner."
Sinking the 8 ball in the side pocket, Bill looked up with a grin, "Ok, sure. That ok with you, Joe?"
Glancing from Bill to Logan, Joe answered with a shrug, "Yeah, sure."
~Weird hair.~
Leaning towards the intense man, Joe whispered, "Watch out, man... he'll take all your money."
Grunting thanks, I took the man's pool cue and looked to Bill, "You rackin'?"
Not wanting to upset the guy, Bill racked the balls, chalked up his pool cue and stood back to let him break. Surprisingly no balls were pocketed so I asked as I moved out of the way, "We playing for money?"
Knocking the 4-ball in the pocket, Bill glanced over to me, "Yeah, do ya have a problem with it?"
~Cocky bastard. I wonder if he'll put his bike on the line... ~
Replying rather harshly, "Yeah. I do have a problem with it. Play for bikes, instead?"
Straightening, Bill stared at the man standing before him.
~This guy has no idea what he's up against, stupidly putting up his bike.~
"Ok, y'er on. What kind of bike do you drive?"
~The dense bastard fell for it! Bike? Hah! If you only knew, bub.~
"A friend of mine custom built it. It's got a custom paint job and a few features that come in handy. You?"
"A black 1977 Harley with chrome pipes - the Black Cat." remarked the other man with a grin, scratching the cue ball in the corner pocket. Finishing my now warm beer, I stepped up to the table and proceeded to pocket the 10-ball.
"Nice shot."
In reply, I grunted and in rapid succession deposited the 15, 9, and 12-balls. Glancing up at Bill and noticing the slightly stunned look on his face, I smirked and moved to reposition myself to get a good shot on the remaining balls on the table. Balls 14, 11 and 13 followed in mere seconds.
~Damn, I'm gonna lose my bike. Stupid, Bill, just plain stupid!~
Whistling, Bill asked amazed, "Where'd you learn to play like that?"
Turning to face the burly man, I calmly stated, "Practice makes perfect, no?" Refocusing my attention, I sighted the 8-ball and slammed down on the cue ball. Banking on the edge of the table and just barely missing the side pocket, the 8-ball came to a stop in the middle of the table. Cursing, I straightened and moved to the side. Snickering, Bill moved in to sink the 3-ball. Seconds later, hearing the satisfying thunk of ball meeting pocket, the burly man confidently put the 7 and 5-ball into pockets but coming just short of sinking the 6-ball in the near corner pocket. Ten minutes later, I strolled out of the bar with a set of keys in my hot little hands and a cocky yet triumphant smirk on my face.
~God, that was easy. Like taking candy from a baby. Now onto more pressing matters... ~
Settling onto the magnificent bike, I inserted the key to start it. Rumbling to life with a throaty purr, I pulled out of the lot and headed back to the motel. Stopping long enough to grab my belongings and to check out, I started the long way back to Xavier's.
September 25th 9 a.m.
I shuffled quietly down the hallway towards the Professor's office. Hopeful, nervous and exhausted I paused in front of his door.
~Ugh, shouldn't have stayed up to watch the stars... ~
:::Come on in, Rogue.:::
Entering and settling into a comfortable leather chair, I thanked him for checking with Cerebro.
"My dear, there really is no good way to go about this, so I'll just tell you. That smear on the envelope--"
"Yes?" I interrupted, my heart beating a mile a minute.
~Maybe... ~
"Well, Jean identified it as blood, Rogue. Logan's blood."
"What? How can that be? Is he hurt?! Where in Gawd's name is he?!" I wailed.
"I--I do not know. I could not pick up his presence with Cerebro. I fear that he is dead. I'm so very sorry."
Incredulously, I stammer, "Wh--What do you mean you fear he is dead?"
"How can that be? Logan cannot be dead. He has the ability to heal himself. He has nine inch adamantium claws in both hands to protect himself, for Gawd's sake!" I spit out anger welling up.
~Oh, Ah so cannot take this right now... ~
"Rogue. Calm--"
"Don't you 'Rogue' me!" Leaning towards him, I hissed vehemently, "Ya know, this is YOUR fault. YOU gave him the information about that Gawd damned base. And knowing Logan like Ah do, he took it and ran with it. They were wait--" cutting myself off not wanting to finish the horrible thought, I glared at the stunned man before me with eyes flashing and abruptly got up and strode from the Professor's office slamming the door on my way out.
~Ah need to get out of here. Ah need to--the woods... ~
Passing Kitty and Bobby as they were making their way to breakfast, I stalked out of the mansion. My pace quickening I hurried to the only place Logan and I could really think, the wooded area adjacent to the mansion opened its welcoming arms to me. Branches whipping at my now damp face, I ran until I came upon a clearing. Sobbing, I looked skywards and let out a gut-wrenching cry, "Aaahhhhh!" Clenching my fists, six-inch bone claws shot out and stalking to the nearest tree I let loose the rage that had been building inside.
Anger, denial and agonizing grief washed through me, I stumbled back into the clearing and screamed at the heavens above, "Why the FUCK are ya doing this to me?! What did HE do to ever deserve this?! Huh?! What did AH ever do to deserve this?! Do you think Ah'm not in enough Gawd damned pain?! Is that it?! Well, FUCK YOU! Fuck all of you... "
Sobbing uncontrollably with my head in my hands, emotionally as well as physically drained I collapsed onto my knees in the clearing.
~Chuck did say that he couldn't find Logan with Cerebro... no... Gawd... ~
Kneeling in the small meadow, I gradually realized that maybe Logan did really mean to send the tape. That thing did look like it was carried everywhere. Perhaps that was just his way of saying good-bye knowing that he couldn't do hell with words. Even through the immense sadness, I was happy that he did tell me he loved me and hopefully wherever he is now, he knows I love him just as much, maybe more.
~Love ya sugah. You'll forever be in mah heart. And baby, it's been one hell of a ride.~
Sniffling, I rubbed my face and looked about finally taking notice of the beautiful wildflowers growing sporadically throughout the small clearing. With out a second thought, I started picking and moments later I had quite a bouquet. Turning I started back to the mansion unconsciously or maybe consciously "walking on."
Pausing at the greenhouse, I rummaged around for a vase. Finding a short, squat one, I grab it and head into the mansion's kitchen to wash it out. Too occupied with rinsing out the vase, I feel a presence behind me. Filling the vase halfway and putting the wildflowers inside, I turn and come face to face with Jean.
Eyes narrowing, I say, "Jean."
~Shit, that came out too harsh.~
Taken back slightly, Jean hesitantly put a hand on my shoulder, "I-I'm so sorry, Rogue. He'll be missed."
I offer a small sad smile and quietly drawl, "Yeah... he will be."
Looking for a way to change the subject, the red head nodded to the wildflowers, "Those are beautiful."
"Ya think?" I ask grateful for the subject change.
"Yeah."
"Thanks. Ah picked them just now. Ah'm gonna put them in mah room."
"Listen, Rogue, if you--"
Cutting her off, I finished her thought "Ah know, Ah'll find ya if Ah want to talk."
"Dinner's in half an hour."
Opening the door to my room I notice a scrap of paper on the floor. Placing the vase of flowers on my nightstand, I read the message on the paper with a smile: We're here for ya sweetie! Love ya lots, Jubes & Kitty.
~Word travels fast. It's great that everyone cares. Oh, Ah don't know how to deal with this... ~
Freshening up, I hurry downstairs for dinner. Not realizing that I had missed lunch, I was very hungry and my stomach was growling up a storm on my way to the dining room. Finding the dining room crowded with students and teachers alike, I grabbed a plate and load up on food. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jubes waving frantically at me, "Roggie!"
~Oh, Jubes. That's so unbecoming of you.~
Shaking my head and rolling my eyes, I make my way over towards Jubilee.
"Why doncha grab a seat next to KitKat?"
"Ah think Ah'm gonna take a rain check on that and head up to mah room. Talk to ya later?"
"Uh... Sure!"
Crouching down to get closer to my best buds, I whispered my thanks for their note. Getting up I feel the Professor's eyes on me so I turn and give him a curt nod then I head to my room.
~Ah think I'm gonna make a copy of Logan's tape... ~
Returning to my room, I dig hungrily into my meal of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans and a Coke.
~Mmmm... not like mah mom's, but it'll do.~
Taking a bite of a chicken leg, I mull over the thoughts running rampant in my head.
~Logan can't be dead. He just can't be. His presence has to be wiped off the - what is it that Chuck calls it - astral plane for Cerebro to not be able to pick it up. Right? How can that be? Why did ya go, Logan? I know finding the past is so important to ya, but why did ya go, damnit. Oh, this is so hurting mah head... ~
Finishing the last of the green beans, I push the plate to the side and grab my Coke to finish it off. Pulling open drawers, I search my desk for a blank tape. Not finding one, I go to the shelf that holds my stereo and my tapes and CD's. Spotting one, I search the room for my Walkman to grab the tape. With both tapes in the stereo, I start recording and head to the bathroom. Returning, I put the original into the shoebox that contains the other stuff Logan had sent me and grab the copy, my Walkman and dirty dishes. Stopping in the kitchen, I put the dishes in the sink and reach for the dish soap.
~Ok, put those thoughts on the backburner. Ah've got an astronomy test tomorrow Ah've got to study for. Shit.~
Wiping my hands dry I decide to head back up to the roof to practice my astronomy for the test tomorrow.
~Shoot, Ah don't have my book... ~
Running back to my room and stopping in front of my door, I reach for the doorknob when I pick up a faint trace of spicy cologne. Immediately a chill runs down my spine.
~What the? Yer just imagining things, Rogue. Just grab your book and let's go.~
Opening the door, I step in and head towards my bookshelf. Glancing nonchalantly around my room I see that nothing is amiss. Taking a moment, I also check my bathroom and closet to quell the paranoid thoughts running through my head. Relieved that there's no strange presence, I grab my astronomy book and head out the door.
Strolling down the hall, I see Jubes, Kitty and Bobby returning from dinner.
"Hey Rogue! Do you wanna join us for movie night?" Kitty asked holding up a bunch of videos.
"Ah would love to Kitty, but Ah gotta study for my astronomy test tomorrow. And actually you should be too."
"Yeah, I know. I think I know my stars and constellations okay."
"Mmm-hmm. If ya wanna run through them, Ah'll be up on the roof."
Smiling to acknowledge Jubes and Bobby, I continue on my way to the roof.
Earlier that same day around 1 o'clock in the afternoon, Logan finally reached the mansion. So intent on his mission of finding the envelope and Marie, he failed to pick up on the angst filled screaming coming from the woods adjacent to the mansion. And if Marie had stopped venting her frustrations to the heavens above and listened closely to the surrounding countryside, she would have heard the throaty rumble of a Harley coming up the drive to the mansion.
Pulling into the garage and parking the bike, striding past a shocked Cyclops, I smirked and grunted, "Summers."
~Mmmm... nothing like rankling good 'ol One-Eye's world~
Going directly to Marie's room knocking on the door, "Marie?"
Not getting a response, I tried turning the doorknob and found it unlocked. Peering into her room and glancing around, I didn't see the envelope lying anywhere.
~Thank God. Maybe I beat it here. I should check with Chuck just to make sure.~
Rapping on the Professor's office door, I entered catching him off guard.
"Come i--Logan!"
"Chuck."
"What are you doing here? I couldn't locate your presence."
"Locate my presence? I thought I told you not to bother me. Long story anyway. I don't remember much myself. Listen, do you know if Marie received a package in the mail?"
~Oh, please God let him say no.~
Sighing, the Professor massaged the bridge of his nose as he answered, "Yes, Logan she did. Should I have Rogue meet us?"
~Shit. Oh God. I gotta find Marie.~
Audibly groaning, I let my shoulders slump. Moving to the window, I looked out onto the well landscaped grounds of the mansion.
"No. I--I'll go find her."
"Ok. If you don't mind, I'd like Jean to look you over first."
At the mention of Jean's name a brief flicker of warmth grew in my heart but quickly faded to be replaced by a knot of pain. Nodding, I sullenly walked out of the office and down to the medlab. Having been warned by the Professor, Jean met me at the entrance of the lab.
"Logan! It's good to see you."
Mustering enough heart I returned, "Yeah, you look great Jeannie."
"I'd like to draw some blood and run some tests, okay?"
"Yeah, sure. Make it quick, ok? I gotta go find Marie."
~And tell her what? I'm sorry that you thought I was dead... shit, I don't know.~
Patting my arm, Jean replied with a smile, "I'll do my best."
Fifteen minutes later, I was heading out of the mansion and walking briskly towards the woods neighboring the mansion. Tromping straight through would have taken me on a collision course with Marie, but I decided to veer left instead to find the bench I had carved long ago out of an enormous fallen tree trunk. Settling down I pulled out a cigar and lit it and began thinking about the situation at hand - my long absence, the envelope and Marie.
~I don't know what to say. The truth Logan, tell her the truth. Tell her what's in your heart. What is the truth? I love you, Marie. Damnit, you don't need a crass, belligerent old man prowling around after ya. I'm sorry about staying away for so long. I'm sorry for causing you so much worry and pain. You should have never gotten that God damn envelope. Hell, Chuck doesn't--I don't even know what happened to me. The past doesn't matter anymore. What matters is NOW. Today, tomorrow and the future.~
With dusk rapidly approaching, I made my way back to the mansion. Stopping in the kitchen to make a quick sandwich and grab a beer, I headed up to the roof to eat in peace.
Finally reaching the door leading to the roof, I pause to collect my thoughts, muttering to myself, "Well, here goes nothing... " and open the door, a slight chill running through my body.
~Gawd, why am Ah so nervous? And Ah'm getting that weird feeling again... ~
I let out a small gasp as the brisk night air hit me. Turning to the right, I head to the bench. Shifting my attention to my Walkman, I load the tape and am just about to put the headphones over my ears when I notice that ever so faint trace of spicy cologne again. Finally fed up by the mind games I curse rather loudly to the night air, "Gawd, who the--?" Looking up I see a figure sitting on the bench, instantly the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.
~What the fuck? Great... the bench is taken already. Gawd, that guy looks like--like who, Rogue? Logan? He's gone, remember?~
I stride angrily towards the figure hunched forward on the bench, slamming my book and Walkman down I reach and grab the collar of the man's jacket with both hands. Face distorted with something akin to Logan's beserker rage, I yank the shocked man off his behind and pull him so that his face is a mere inch from mine. Glaring icily at him, between clenched teeth I hiss, "Alright, Ah am so fucking fed up with the fucking mind games. Who the fuck do you think you are? And who the fuck put you up to this, huh? Cause Ah am going to find them and beat the shit out of them, got it? You know what? Forget it-- "
The hand came whipping up from the right and connected with my cheek, stinging it.
Momentarily shocked, I growled, "Just. Get. Out. Of. My. Sight."
Releasing my hold on the man's collar, I turn and collapse onto the bench. The man straighten, stood for a heartbeat then turned and walked off. Leaning forward with my head falling into my propped up hands, my shoulders shook slightly as I began to softly cry.
~Gawd... ~
Finishing my large roast beef sandwich with one final bite, I bent to put the empty plate down by his feet. Picking up my beer and lifting the longneck to my lips, I took a satisfying gulp and hunched forward to stare out into the night. I had heard the door leading to the roof open then click shut and the soft sound of footsteps, but I disregarded them as I in essence "zoned out" as those annoying kids would say.
As the distant trees blurred from my vision, a pair of large wide-spaced brown eyes surfaced in my conscience. A face, an unseen breeze blowing rich auburn hair about mixing it with shocking platinum locks. The pouty, luscious lips curled into a shy grin. The soft, lilting drawl echoing in my ears.
With the abrupt sound of an object being slammed down next to me, I snapped to attention and tensed. Not given the chance to growl out a response or to see who made the rude interruption, I was yanked off the bench and pulled forcibly to the offender's face. Focusing, my heart skipped a few beats.
~Jesus... Marie!~
Immediately I was verbally barraged by a string of angry questions and curses.
~What the fuck? Mind games?! Do something, you dumbass.~
I whipped my right hand up and out from my side and smacked her.
~Shit. Not the smartest OR the right thing to do. Shit.~
Seeing the shock register briefly before the rage settled back, she growled out the last words. Once the vice grip was released from my collar, I straightened and stood for a moment stunned before walking off.
~You idiot! Say something! You're not gonna let her go after all this? Fuckwit, do something!~
~... Oh Gawd... Ah don't think I can take anymore of this. Oh, Logan where are ya when Ah need ya, sugah.~
Sitting up I dry my eyes with the corner of my scarf and glance towards the exiting stranger. Oddly he stopped in his tracks and was focused on something to the right of him.
~Where'd they find this guy? He so looks like Logan, it's frightenin'.~
Pulling the headphones over my ears, I turn up the volume and open my astronomy book attempting to forget about what had just happened. With Bono screaming in my ears, I stared off to my left at a group of stars in the night sky. Suddenly I feel as if someone is watching me, clenching my fists I turn coming face to face with the stranger. The resemblance is startling - dark unruly hair, thick muttonchops, intense honey orbs, hell even down to the t shirt, flannel and jean jacket.
~Logan? Is it really you? How can that be? The Professor said he couldn't detect your presence.~
And then all my questions are answered by just one word uttered by the handsome stranger, "Marie."
Paling and now trembling uncontrollably, I whisper questioningly, "Logan? I-is that you?"
"Yeah, darlin', it's me"
~Oh mah Gawd. Oh mah Gawd. Tha guy upstairs is not a cruel unrelenting bastard. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.~
Feeling as if I could not shed another tear, the dam bursts and I start sobbing for what feels like the umpteenth time today.
Putting my arm around her quaking body, I hold Marie tightly to my chest, mumbling into her beautiful auburn hair "ImsorryImsorryImsorry... "
With the quaking slowly subsiding, I loosen my protective hold yet still keep my arm around her. Titling my head down slightly, I bury my nose into her hair and take a deep breath.
~Mmmm... Marie, darlin', you have no idea how good you smell.~
Exhaling and letting out a relieved sigh, I hear a muffled giggle escape her lips. I feel her shift her body wrapping her arms around my waist squeezing me gently.
I gaze into her eyes which are searching mine, I ask, "What, darlin'?"
Hesitantly she asks, "So... did ya really mean what ya said on the tape?"
Still locked onto those captivating doe eyes, I replied, "Marie, you know I promised to protect you. I hurried back to protect you from what was enclosed in the envelope."
Feeling the tension and fear in the air thicken unbelievably, I noticed that she was watching me with wide eyes. Looking upwards towards the heavens, I continued, "I didn't make it back in time. I'm sorry, Marie, sorry for what you had to go through."
Glancing down at her face, I could smell the saltiness of the tears fighting to fall and the fear rolling off of her in waves. Gently releasing her from my arm, I hunched forward with my elbows resting on my thighs, hands gripped together and eyes focused on a spot on the roof.
~Why is she so afraid?~
"Damnit, Marie. I'm not good at this. You know that."
I catch her nodding her head slightly from the corner of my eye. Pausing to recollect my thoughts I see her settle back onto the bench and try to inconspicuously tuck her trembling hands under her legs.
~Just say it, man. Tell her you meant it.~
Nodding to myself, I turned slightly to face the woman-child sitting next to me, I gazed into her eyes to see the fear within become transformed into hope. "Yes, darling. I meant every single damn one of those words."
A beautiful smile slowly lit up her face as the tension visibly ebbed away. She whispered, "Really?"
Chuckling, "Yeah."
Watching her look away for a moment then return her gaze to me, she quietly asked, "What--what happened, Logan?"
"Darlin', it's a long story and I don't even remember some of it."
Grabbing my large rough hand in her small satin gloved one, she squeezed it gently, "That's ok, sugah. We have all night."
Inching closer to me, she leaned into my larger muscular frame, the scent of vanilla, strawberries and her own heavenly scent enveloped me. Putting my arm back around her and with an affectionate squeeze I begin to tell her of my travels in Canada, of the abandon military compound, of what I found and didn't find, of seedy hotel rooms and equally seedy bars and of Harry, the hunched old homeless man who perhaps did the noblest thing in his life - mailing that damn envelope.
Hours pass as the sun languidly creeps out from below the horizon, she had begun to fall asleep in my arms and before sleep could claim her, she mumbled, "Ah love ya."
Softly grunting, I reciprocate in a hushed voice, "Love you too, darlin'."
:::Logan, Rogue... Can I see you two?:::
:::Shit, Chuck. Can't it wait? Marie just fell asleep.:::
:::I'm sorry Logan, but it can't wait.:::
:::Damnit. Ok, we'll be down in a few.:::
Nudging her gently, I try to wake her, "Marie. Wake up, darlin'. Chuck needs to talk with us."
"Mmmhumph... no," came the muffled reply from somewhere close to my chest.
"Come on, baby. Afterwards, I'll let you sleep in my bed... undisturbed."
Tilting her head up slightly squinting, she mumbled sleepily, "Ok. That's a deal, sugah."
Standing up and offering a hand with a mischievous glint twinkling in my eyes I urge her "Come on then so I can get you in bed."
She lazily glanced up at him with an equally playful glint in her eyes and punched him softly in the stomach, "Ah bet you say that to all the ladies."
Making our way to the Professor's office, his voice eased into our thoughts and slowed our brisk pace.
:::Jean and I are down in the medlab.:::
Pausing mid-stride, I glance up at Logan with raised brow.
Raising his own brow, Logan responded to my unspoken question, "Chuck wanted Jeannie to look me over before I went looking for you. Had some blood drawn. That's probably why they want to see us."
Nodding, I take his hand in mine and together we head towards the elevator that leads down to the mansion's lower level. Nearing the lab, the doors automatically open for us. I notice that Xavier and Jean are in hushed discussion and look up as we enter.
"Logan, Rogue."
"What's up, Chuck?" Logan asks.
"It seems that Jean has discovered what caused Cerebro from picking up your presence."
Joining the conversation I butt in, "Is that why ya told me that Logan was dead, Professor?"
Head snapping towards Marie in mild shock, Logan looks from the Professor to Marie.
"Yes, Rogue, that is why I told you. I assumed that he was dead because of Cerebro's failure."
Being the smartass Canuck that Logan is, he shot back, "I see...apparently Chuck, you've not heard of the saying: When you assume, you make an ass out of both you and me."
I noticed Jean putting her hand to her forehead and shaking her head slightly then focusing on the computer screen in front of her while I elbowed Logan in the side.
:::He's such a smartass.:::
:::Ah know. Tell me about it, Jean.:::
"Yes, Logan, I am familiar with the adage and am currently very intimately with it."
Smirking, he shifted his attention to the redhead at the computer console, "So, what did you find?"
Adjusting her glasses, Jean Grey replied, "A few properties of your blood had been and still somewhat chemically altered by a substance I've identified as phenotribarciclyde--"
Interrupting, Logan choked out, "Phenotri--What?!"
"A man-made anti-mutant agent that is injected into the bloodstream via syringe, Logan," an unfettered Jean Grey explained.
"Apparently this... agent... caused a switch to trip allowing your mutations-the enhanced healing, adamantium laced bone claws, strength and heightened senses to become useless. In addition, this phenotribarciclyde eradicated your presence from the astral plane rendering my telepathy as well as Cerebro to be powerless, "continued Xavier.
"From the blood I had drawn, there was still a small trace left. I would hypothesize that there may have been double, triple or quite possibly near fatal amounts of this anti-mutant agent in your bloodstream. Unfortunately, there is no means for reversal seeing that the agent is man-made. The good news is that your body seems to be fighting it off, so I will need to draw more blood in a few days."
Momentarily stunned from hearing Jean's words, I noticed that Logan was visibly tensing up. So much so that the veins in his neck and forehead were starting to pop out. Suddenly the sound of adamantium claws unsheathing sounded throughout the medlab.
Instantly snapping their heads towards the sharp sound of unsheathing claws, Jean and the Professor simultaneously reacted, "Logan--"
Holding up my hand effectively silencing the both of them, I firmly took hold of both of Logan's forearm's being mindful of the nine inch claws and directed him to sit on a nearby stool.
"Rog--"
:::Wait, Jean. Let her take care of it.:::
:::But Professor--:::
:::But nothing, Jean. You know and have sensed as well as I that there is a new found peace between those two. Let them work it out.:::
Quietly sighing, Jean stepped back.
Ignoring the fact that there were two telepaths in the room with us, I gazed loving into his eyes, "Logan, calm down sugah. You're ok now. That's all that matters. The Professor will do everything in his power to find those bastards then you can have your fun, ok?"
Sensing that his anger was slowly receding, I grinned at him. Grunting, he retracted his claws.
Catching her hands as they released his forearms, Logan gave them a quick squeeze. Peering around Marie's body he glared at the two figures still by the console, "We done here?"
Glancing towards Jean, Xavier replied, "Yes for now. Go get some rest you two."
Without another word he got up from the stool with Marie in tow and headed up to his room. Reaching the door, Logan opened the door nodding to Marie, "As I promised, darlin'."
With a lazy smile, I reply with exhaustion creeping into my voice, "Mmm... thank ya sugah."
Following her in, he took off his flannel and underlying t shirt. Folding back the covers, Logan slipped into the bed holding the edge up for Marie. I bent down to remove my shoes and got under the covers settling next to him. Leaving the sheet to form a protective barrier between them, he hugged her closer to his chest.
Whispering into the darkness, "You know... the past doesn't matter anymore Marie. Only today, tomorrow and the future."
Shifting slightly, I murmur, "MmmHmm... "
Softly chuckling, he playfully whispered, "Say, 'goodnight Gracie.'"
"Mmm, sugah?... Goodnigh' Gracie... "
Letting the silence take charge, Logan listened to Marie's breathing become relaxed and deep with sleep before succumbing to it himself.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
This is dedicated to all the wonderful fic writers that turned me on to these two lovebirds. To U2 who creates music that's become the soundtrack of my life. To my betas, thank you so much!