The sweat ran down Rogue’s back as she maneuvered her way through the tangle of mangroves. It felt good to have a goal, a target, something to focus on single mindedly. Her thoughts had been a flurry of hurt, confusion, and contradiction for two long weeks. Finally she’d come to an understanding, but to be able to block all of it out and think only of kicking someone's ass, even if it was a simulated bad guy in a Danger Room session, was a godsend. Rogue laughed bitterly at the memory of how they used to have a simulated Sabretooth to practice on; how scared she'd been of him back then. Now he lived upstairs and she felt he was more a threat to himself than he'd ever be to her.
And what was he to her? What were they to each other? It wasn’t love, it wasn’t … affection. It couldn’t possibly be friendship. So what was it? There was no label for what he was to her. Even they couldn’t answer those questions. No one in the mansion even tried - or dared ask. Everyone just gave them a wide berth.
Rogue had already neutralized the primary target, but she still needed to vent her frustration on something. How was it that things went from simply wanting to be with Logan, to the quagmire her life turned into? Faced with the consequences of their actions, Rogue saw the mistakes so clearly now. But what had Creed said about hindsight? It would do nothing to repair the damages now. Still, her mind refused to stop analyzing; turning it all over and over to find an answer. The only way her mind would shut up was if she was too focused or too tired to let it run. So rather than stopping at neutralizing her target, Rogue was aiming for running herself, and the bad guys, into the ground.
His eyes were on her the moment she rounded one of the holographic clusters of jungle palm. There he stood, just like it was the most normal thing in the world; like he’d never left her. Rogue took a moment to stare at him in disbelief. He didn’t smile and he didn’t say anything. He’d come back, just like Victor said he would.
The runt’ll come crawling back to you, angel. They always do.
Rogue didn’t want to think about why Logan was back or why he’d sought her out, standing there waiting on her. Rather than stop in the middle of her training, she continued to hunt down the last of the guerilla soldiers while he stood on the perimeter. There were some things she didn't want to think about at all, things concerning her and Logan but also things that didn't. She wasn't sure if she even wanted to share those thoughts with him. As it was her heart rate went up every time her mind wandered down those paths.
What was there to say? It shouldn’t be up to her to say anything! Let Logan stand there, she thought spitefully. He'd left her flapping in the wind long enough. If he wanted something, he could wait just like she had.
When Rogue finally finished the simulation, he was still there. Hands tucked in the pockets of his jacket, he was leaning against the sliding exit doors and for once actually looked patient. She moved to stand a few feet in front of him, tugged off her uniform gloves and waited for him to say something.
"You shouldn't walk in here in the middle of a simulation," she finally said when he remained speechless. "You could get hurt."
"You don't want me to get hurt?" he asked.
"Not like that anyway."
"Well I guess that's something," he said and removed the few paces between them.
Logan stopped and studied her face.
“What?” Rogue snapped.
He seemed to shake his head to himself, then pushed on. "I needed to see you; to ask you something."
She raised her brow expectantly at him, indicating that he better keep talking.
“What does he mean to you?" Logan asked, his look was solemn and serious.
"Who?" she asked, suddenly paying more attention to her gloves than to him.
"Don't play dumb, Rogue. Creed. What is he to you? What are you to each other?"
She laughed but the sound was brittle and cold. Hadn’t she just asked herself the very same question? And how could Logan already suspect them if he’d just returned? But this was Logan; and somehow, Logan always knew.
"I'm sorry, but ... what gives you the right to bust in here, demanding answers? Who do you think *you* are?" Rogue was incensed that he had the nerve to ask, but in a way, relieved. She was done playing games.
"I'm not demanding," he said evenly. "I'm asking."
"Oh okay," she answered sarcastically.
Rogue paused in concentration, thinking, her eyes traveling around the simulated jungle. Logan didn’t move or look away. It was obvious he wasn't going anywhere until she answered him. But what was she supposed to say? She knew that if she told him what had happened since the morning he left, how she'd spent her days and nights - that he wasn't going to let it go. Part of her wanted to rub it in, give him all the details and make him hurt. Make him hurt the way he'd hurt her. Another part wanted to keep those memories to herself and let no one else touch or taint them.
Rogue sighed. "I don't know," she said very plainly. “I really don’t know,” she repeated, shrugging. “Why? What difference does it make now?”
“It makes a difference to me,” he answered. His voice was still flat, like he was trying to keep himself in check.
“Logan,” she sighed, shaking her head and challenging him. “Now it matters?”
"Yes," he nodded, still looking right at her.
"You know I’ve been with him - while you were gone,” she stated sharply, not knowing if she said it to hurt him or to get it off her chest. Either way she wanted to say it, but there was no need for any more details.
“I know,” he said, his voice strained and he finally looked away. Logan knew it when he returned, as soon as he'd seen Creed in the hall, he knew. It was in the other man's eyes, in the look he gave him, a mixture of conquest but nervousness, like he had a prize that could be snatched away. He didn’t wear his usual smug grin, he looked resigned but he made sure Logan understood who’d kept Rogue’s company while he was away.
Logan knew it was a possibility the entire time he was gone. He'd left anyway, knowing at the time that staying would have done more harm than good. He didn't let himself think too long about it, but realized what happened in his absence didn't change how he felt. His gaze returned to her shortly, still questioning what it all meant.
“I ... I don’t know what we are — were. Comfort maybe,” she looked around for answers. “I think. Solace. I think part of it was ... to use each other."
Logan bristled, "Use each other. For what?"
"To hurt you," she said, skewering him with a look. "Maybe to punish ourselves."
She saw a disturbed look briefly cross his face before he could mask it and look away. Something about that look acted as a lightening rod, charging her fury.
"Oh don't you dare look like that, Logan! You're just as guilty of it as we are."
Logan turned his glare back onto her. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me! You're just as guilty of using me as anyone. You used me as an excuse to hurt yourself and maybe you always have. You weren't happy with the way we were, keeping yourself from me, but you did it anyway. You were a stubborn jackass. It's always hurt you to push me away, but you did it anyway. *You* used *me* to punish yourself."
These weeks without him had taught her a few things. A lot of things actually. Insight was not something she expected to get from Victor Creed, but she had. She saw so many things clearly now, and Rogue could feel the tension spreading through every muscle. Even though she was exhausted from practice, her body and her senses felt sharper than ever. It was the fight or flight reflex when faced with a dangerous situation - and she wasn't going anywhere.
"That night, in my room, *you* punished yourself for that. I never laid any guilt at your feet. You did that. I wanted what happened but you decided it was wrong with no consideration for me — for what I felt. You decided to carry that guilt around anyway, and then just take off. Like that fixes anything!"
"But I hurt you," Logan argued, and in his eyes, she could see that he thought it was true.
"No - you hurt me when you left! You hurt me by denying me. At least what happened between us that night was real. It wasn't pretty; it was raw and scary and beautiful, but it was real. It wasn't some forced reaction that you thought might be right, not some answer or excuse that you think makes everything okay. Finally it was the truth, and you just ran like you always do!" Rogue was breathing heavily. She knew she was ranting, but this had to come out.
"I couldn't stay. I needed to figure out-"
"You left me, Logan. You *left* me. Don't you get that?! We finally make some kind of progress ... and you threw it away."
Logan let out a frustrated sigh, bordering on a growl, knowing he couldn't play the plaintive role any longer.
"I did not fucking throw it away! I told you I just needed a chance. Time. You saw what I did to you! Do you know - do you even have the foggiest idea what I'm capable of?! Do you?!" he shouted. "If you hadn't accepted me that night ... if you'd resisted me - I don't - I couldn't have stopped. I wouldn't have stopped. You think I cared what you wanted at that point?? I wanted, I needed, and I didn't give a fuck if I had to take it to have it! That scared the shit out of me. It still does! You don't know what it's like to have something inside of you that you have NO control over. You can try to fight it, but when it comes right down to it - you are helpless."
Rogue eyed him in disbelief.
"Oh, I think I've got a pretty good idea of what it's like to have a part of myself that I can't control, Logan. And as far as that night - I did accept you! That's the point! And even if I had resisted, I know you would have found a way to control it. I know you. You're not just some animal. You can control it."
Logan shook his head. "Not always. I couldn't control how I feel about you. I was trying to protect you from that and I still fucked it up anyway."
"But why didn't you want me to begin with?"
"I did, but *I* have a conscience."
"So you're saying Creed would have to be without conscience to wanna sleep with me?!"
"No! That is *not* what I'm saying!" Logan growled, pacing with impatience now. "You're more important to me than you'll ever be to him! It makes a big damn difference. It was never about me not wanting you, but I knew what would happen once we crossed that line. I knew what would come with it. That part of me isn't going to be satisfied with just sunshine-y love and sex, dammit! That's the side I tried to protect you from."
He stopped his pacing and moved in close, filling up Rogue's personal space.
"Yes, there's a part of me that cares about you, wants to hold you and protect you...and try to love you; but there's another part. Part of me that wants to break you down. I wanna tear you apart then make you whole again - so you can't even breathe without me. That part wants to take all that you represent and dirty it up - corrupt you until you are something I can finally comprehend, until you are absolutely mine alone. Because then you'll still be precious, but you'll be mine. Then...then you can't belong to anyone else, then you're only mine. You can’t possibly understand that. That's the side of me that I didn't want you to see!"
"Well guess what, Logan! I've already seen it!" Rogue screamed at him, her vision blurring. "I've seen it in you. You're in my head - and as much as you may not want to hear this ... Victor is up there too. He wants the same thing from me, but doesn't bother fighting it. You're not that different from him, you know? You just don't want to face it, because you hate it. The problem is; I can't, for the life of me, stop wanting every part of who you are - and believe me, I've tried. But I'm no one's princess in the ivory tower. Not now ... and I never was! I'm just me."
"And I'm no knight in shining armor Rogue. I'm not," Logan replied, his volume matching hers. "I'm not the good man that you always try to see. I'm not really the hero that tried to rescue you on the Statue of Liberty. That is not who I am."
"Then why do you do it if it's not you?" she yelled.
"I don't know."
"Why do you always come back here to me if you want so badly to leave me alone?"
"I don't know."
"Why do you torture yourself by staying away from me just to protect me, if you insist that you're someone who will hurt me?"
"I *don't* know!"
Rogue stared at him then, refusing to give him the answers. He knew it, and she wasn't going to be the one to say it.
He grabbed her arms, holding onto her like a life line. "Because I can't stop it. I can't stop coming back to you. I can't stop wanting to protect you! I can't stop trying to be the hero for you because it's *all* that I want. I do want to save you and cherish you. I also want to break you and make you mine and then comfort you. Fuck - a part of me wants to hide you away somewhere where you can only be mine. All your looks, every fucking smile and glance *only* for me and I wouldn't have to share it with anybody else. I didn't run because I didn't know what I wanted! I know what I want, and that's why I ran. I don't think I can explain it, but it's always just been me ... even after I met you, that wall has always been there. I knew if I let you in, that I wouldn’t be able to keep you away. You'd have a power over everything that I am. But I realized on the road ... you're *already* in. You already have that power; I think you've always had it. It's not about keeping you away; it's that nothing feels right unless I've got you. And yeah, the man wants you, but this other part wants you too, and not just for a night. All I've ever done is a night and anything more is not something I understand ... and ..."
Rogue watched him. He looked exhausted now, but he was still clinging to her tightly. In her heart she wanted to believe that what he was saying was he'd come back for her. She was thrilled at the idea of him finally returning her feelings, but she'd been through so much - too much to walk out on that limb any more. Why now? After all that happened, how was she supposed to deal with any more? Unable to stop herself, the tears began to slide down her face and she hated it.
"What do you want from me, Logan?"
"Nothing," he insisted, alarmed by her tears. Without hesitation, he began gently wiping them away as quickly as they could fall. "I don't want anything from you. Just you."
She blinked at him, still not trusting herself to understand anything he was saying. "Why?" she asked. "Why do you want me now?"
Logan looked at her like his heart was breaking, but breaking for her. "I don't just want you now, that's what I'm saying! I’ve always wanted you. God baby, you’re not the problem. I am. I can't change what I did, how I reacted. I'm here because I wish I could. It's called regret, remember? And I'm the one that will carry it around like this big, black thing, not you.”
Rogue recognized her own words coming back to her.
"But ... but," her voice dropped a level, "with Victor ... you know he and I-"
"It doesn't matter," he stopped her and he meant it. If she'd take him back now, then he would do his best to forget about the past. "I hurt you and ... people do crazy things when they're hurting. I know that better than anyone. I'm not saying I want to know about it ... but I don't care about the past if you say you still want me."
She couldn't believe it, that in spite of everything, he wanted her even after the time she'd spent with Victor. Even though she knew her time with him was more than just some crazy thing she'd done, she would keep that for herself. Victor had made it clear that whatever they had, it wasn’t permanent. He wanted her, but he wouldn’t be hers — just like he knew she would always be Logan’s. They understood. What she'd gotten from Creed, she could never explain it - and she didn't want to because it was hers to keep. But Logan was here now and he wanted a chance. He’d wanted her all along. Maybe the only reason they'd reached this point was because of everything that had happened. Perhaps she'd never really know, but how could she not give herself this chance with Logan? If he was there, wanting the same thing that she'd always wanted, then her heart only knew one answer.
"I do want you Logan."
He kissed her gently, only intending to comfort her and let her know how much she meant. They should go slow. Rogue thought she only needed comfort now, but those feelings led to something deeper, something greedier. Slowly, like an after thought, they began removing layers of clothing, only to get closer to each other. Needing that connection, Logan pulled her against him. He kissed every inch of her and she kept reminding herself that it was real.
They didn't speak; they'd shared enough words already. With lips and tongue and skin, they began the process of trying to heal. The desire to touch was consuming. It was gently forgiving and accepting, and when Logan slid inside her, this time the man was in control but the animal purred with satisfied agreement.
*********
Logan was back. He'd come back to her; for her. For that she was amazed and in a state beyond bliss. Even though they still had plenty of talking ahead of them, that part of her life seemed fairly stable. She'd excused herself from her squad meeting to go find one of her missing members. Rogue had a feeling as to why Victor hadn't shown up at the scheduled meeting. He knew Logan was back; he had to know since he'd kept his distance and not sought her out at all. The moment she let her mind wander, and she thought about what had happened the past two weeks her chest felt tight. Something was wrong.
The door to Victor's room was open so she snuck in but stopped dead in her tracks. She found him in the bedroom, busy cramming clothes into a worn old bag.
"You're leaving," she heard herself say, sounding more factual than surprised.
He refused to look at her even though Rogue knew he must've heard her come in.
"Victor?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Xavier threw me out so I'm leavin'."
She tried to grab his arm and force him to face her. Something was going on and he wasn't going to tell her any more than he had to. Rogue had never deluded herself into thinking that Victor let her connect, so why did she have the feeling that there was something terribly wrong?
"He hasn't informed me," she said, her hand still resting on his arm. Why wouldn't he look at her?
He became very still but made no move to turn around or push her away.
"Believe what you want," he answered, sounding like he didn't care. Like it didn't matter what she believed.
Rogue leaned her head against his rigid back. He was the one leaving now and it was probably for the best.
"Talk to me,” she murmured and fought to keep from clinging to him, as if that was going to keep him from taking off. She knew it was a futile attempt but still, there was something he refused to tell her. Something that made it hard to breathe.
"It’s nothing."
"Please ... Victor ... no more lies."
He remained silent for a long time, minutes maybe, then finally turned around to look at her.
"I wish I hadn't come here," he said, barely hiding the anger he felt.
Victor thought about the past two weeks. Most of the time they'd spent together was away from the judgmental eyes of the rest of the team. Recalling memories of being on the road with her, he thought of her just sitting there talking or having no conversation at all, of her not wanting anything from him but to be. Hadn't he known even then that one day *he* would return. They’d discussed it, everything, and all that had happened, at length. He’d understood how this would go and they hadn’t lied to each other, until now. It was all so predictable and he'd told her so. He thought about life now. Without her. Not having her around for the few things he really had to say.
"Why would you say something like that?" Rogue searched his face for an answer, but he was an expert at hiding his emotions. He told her this would happen and he’d said it didn’t matter. They could have their time, but he’d said he wasn’t permanent and that’s the way it went. So did she feel his hurt now because he’d lied? She placed her hands against his chest as if that was going to help her break through those invisible walls he kept guarded so well.
He just met her gaze without answering her question. Rogue felt her eyes widen when she began to realize what he'd just told her. What he meant but didn't say out loud.
"You don't have to leave." The truth was she didn't want him to leave. The idea of him being gone scared her, but deep down she also knew he couldn't stay. In another lifetime maybe.
"You told me no more lies, so don't lie, Rogue. Don't lie to me. Don't lie to yourself."
And he thought about watching her naked, swimming in moonlit water. He remembered dragging her down with him; heated breaths against wet skin - the taste and smell of her body, of the longing in her eyes. Had that been for him?
"But you said -"
"No!" he stopped her.
He touched her face; his fingertips barely brushed her skin. She made a sound, something close to a sob, and leaned into his hand before he slid it back to cradle her neck. He kissed her gently, no biting, no tongue. Just a kiss. He kissed her because it was the last time. This was goodbye.
Rogue knew he had to leave. No one could ever move on if they remained this way. Logan would always be the man that had her heart, but she didn't want Victor to go. The words were out of her mouth before she knew it.
"I have to. Xavier's told me to leave so I'm leavin'. You'll be fine angel," Victor mumbled against her lips. She wanted him to stay, but he wouldn't. He couldn't stay and watch her go back to him again. His first reaction was to stay and fight, but the little angel had already chosen. She'd chosen long ago and she'd never lied and said otherwise. Logan was the one she’d always wanted, they’d just taken a crooked path to get here.
Victor Creed was normally the kind of man that might take that choice away from her. Or make it so if he couldn’t have her, no one else could either. But for reasons he couldn't face, the urge wasn't there. He liked the idea of a world with her living in it better than one without her.
"You're thinking about L-" Rogue began but he stopped her with a finger over her lips.
"If he ever hurts you - I'll kill him."
"You don't have to worry, he won't - not anymore," she said and knew it was true.
Victor knew it too. "I know," was all he said before he let her go, picked up the bag and left.
***
Logan leaned his head against the wall. He'd followed Rogue, knowing she'd been on her way to Creed's room to find out why her team mate hadn't shown up at the meeting. At first Logan had felt his anger and jealousy come to life, urging the animal inside to stop his mate from whatever it was she was about to do. He'd wanted to force her to stay away from his competitor, but the man in him claimed he needed to trust her and let her do what she needed to do. So, Logan had followed her and waited outside Creed's room.
Rogue had left the door open, and even though the two of them had kept their voices low, Logan could still overhear every single word. He'd smelled a lot of things too. Worry. Anger. Longing. It made his whole being go tense. What did it mean? There were obviously many things that she wasn't saying. Suddenly his mouth went dry at the thoughts that flashed through his mind, images of what might have happened while he'd been away. He knew Rogue had slept with Victor - his nemesis - but he didn't want to think about why, and why him of all people.
Then, the door opened and Logan watched as Creed stalked down the corridor, carrying an old bag. Their eyes met for a brief moment as he stopped at the end of the hall to glance past his shoulder. Logan met his gaze boldly, a visual testament that he would never give up his position. The next moment Victor Creed was out of sight and out of their lives.
Logan sighed and ran a hand across his face. He was tired, and felt worn to the point of exhaustion. The air suddenly changed and he could taste salt on his tongue. It tightened his chest even more to know that Rogue was still in there crying silently over a man she'd never loved. Or had she? She obviously felt something for him or she wouldn't be upset like this. Unsure if he had any right to ask, Logan entered silently and pulled Rogue into his arms. He wouldn't ask. If she wanted to talk about it, she would, in her own time. And now, thankfully, that's just what they had together. Time.
Rogue buried her face into the chest of the man she loved so dearly. She couldn't remember a time in her life when Logan wasn't vital to her. He was like the sun, with some gravitational hold on her, and even though he'd burned her before she couldn't live without him. It surprised her to learn that he felt the same way about her, but maybe a part of her always knew it. If Logan was her sun, then maybe Victor was like the moon. It fit him, to be shrouded in darkness, constantly waxing and waning, able to manipulate her tides so easily. He was at times so fully visible, but other times so perfectly hidden. That was where she'd keep him too, hidden. Locked away somewhere inside so she could draw that always independent strength from him, but keep him under control - because Victor could never be trusted with free reign.
Besides, she didn't want to live in the dark. Rogue wanted the warmth and light that Logan gave. In his arms that heat and comfort was so evident. For all his denial and even after all that happened, he truly was so honorable and worthy of her trust.
"All I ever wanted was to be with you," she heard herself say. She wasn't sure why it came out or if he even needed to know it, but she felt his body relax into hers and his lips brushed along her temple.
Apparently it was something he needed to hear. It was the truth too; she'd only ever wanted Logan for her mate, and Rogue had gone down a frustrating and painful path to get to this point. It was just, along the way she finally found understanding in the most unlikely person.
The End
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
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Author's Chapter Notes:
The runt’ll come crawling back to you, angel. They always do.