It was a cold and isolated place - a landscape that resembled Antarctica more than anything. Ice and snow covered everything; nothing would survive in a place like this. It matched his state of mind, though. There had been a fire within, but all he felt now as he thought about it was cold. He'd survive, he always did, but there were the memories he couldn't get rid off. Images he wanted to desperately erase but didn't have the strength. If he could only remember when everything had begun to change, maybe that was the key to free himself from whatever it was that had him chained. He hated it, and he was going burn for letting it happen to him. You are weak.
Victor let his gaze sweep across the harsh Danger Room landscape. It was real enough, and somewhere out there, hiding, was the enemy. Hundreds of them, for all he knew. He could take each and every one of those fuckers; kill them all until he was the only one left. He was an animal and he didn't answer to anyone. Fighting and killing was what he knew; it was a part of him, and anyone he came face to face with was a dead man. Defeat was something he'd just recently experienced and he was damned if he was going to let it continue. Because in the end, it would surely drive him crazy. Searching for something he could never have - it was destined to become his downfall. The end of what he was.
He charged through the snow. Someone was screaming - no, howling - a sound that pierced through the silence like a bolt of lightning. It echoed across the plains like a wordless battle cry. It was the sound of a wounded animal.
*******************
Rogue had completely lost track of time. How many hours had passed since ... God, she couldn't even finish the thought. Logan had run away like he always did, and too often it had been because of her. He'd always told her it wasn't because he didn't care, and she'd swallowed that explanation over and over. It was just that every time he left, he made it harder for her to accept that excuse. Harder for her to welcome him back into her heart again. And so easily. There'd been times when she'd wanted to hate him for that.
He regretted what happened and she couldn't understand it. He'd stayed with her the entire night. He was her first and what they'd shared was something special. Something she'd dreamed of for years. But he regretted it. Rogue's cheeks burned with shame, a feeling of not being good enough, not being worthy, of being the 'kid' and not what she really was - a woman. A woman who loved him. Long hot showers didn't erase those feelings, but for the sake of her team mates she had to be tough. She couldn't stay hidden in her room forever, not when she, as their leader, had a responsibility to be strong. But what good was she when she couldn't even meet her own reflection in the mirror?
Rogue slipped into another one of her kimonos, a dark green ankle length one. She couldn't wear the black one Logan had bought her; it was only going to remind her of all the things she wanted to forget. Like his hands on her skin. Him inside her. Kissing her. Holding her. With some effort she pushed those images to a dark corner of her mind. She made her way down the dimly lit corridor, relieved the mansion's inhabitants seemed to be asleep. A cup of tea and then she'd go to sleep, intent on not getting up before lunchtime. She was so tired, her whole body felt emotionally drained to a point where she could hardly focus on anything except tea and sleep. But the low energy level hadn't been able to take away her sorrow and Rogue knew she was leaking tears again as she rounded the corner down the hallway. Someone bumped into her.
Rogue wiped her eyes but kept them downcast. She didn't want him to see her like this again.
"Victor ... I'm sorry, I didn't see you," she mumbled and turned to leave, not up to any of his games or lectures.
"Wait," came his voice, raspy and strained. He grabbed her by the arm, forcing her to face him.
A quiet 'oh' was all Rogue managed to say as her eyes swept across Victor's appearance. His posture seemed ... awkward. There were traces of blood on his clothes, and his hair was a dirty tangled mass. Dried, caked blood more or less covered his arms and face and he reeked of sweat. Rogue felt her eyes widen at the condition he was in, but was also relieved when she noticed he was healing.
Rogue wet her lips. She was a little bit freaked about watching him heal right before her eyes, although she'd seen it happen to Logan several times before. It was just something she was never going to get used to.
"What happened to you?" she said slowly and reached out to brush her fingertips over a purplish bruise on his right arm. Had he gone out fighting? If he'd only gone to the Danger Room, his injuries wouldn't be real, unless...
Victor frowned and made a swift movement with his left arm, and suddenly that shoulder wasn't dislocated anymore. He gave Rogue a look she couldn't read.
"I'm ... I meant what I said earlier," he grunted and cracked his neck sideways.
"Okay ..." She wasn't sure of what exactly what he was referring to. He'd said a lot of things, and she had too, things she wanted to forget about.
Victor seemed to wait for her to continue but she didn't feel like getting into a discussion with him again. Rogue knew she owed Victor an apology of some sort, but his silence as he was staring down at her with those dark eyes made it impossible to come up with something. She didn't know what he wanted her to say. After a while he simply left without a word. Rogue had lost all taste for tea.
*****
There was no answer so she knocked again. The door was unlocked. Rogue closed it behind her, leaning her back against it for a moment not sure if she was doing the right thing or not. She found him asleep on the bathroom floor, and as she bent down to check on him an arm shot out and closed around her wrist.
"Victor are you ... are you okay?" Rogue asked and tried to calm her racing heart. He'd frightened her and she didn't want him to know that.
The look in Victor's eyes was untamed. Raw. Very uncontrollable and very dark. There was a glow to the darkness, if something like that was even possible.
"I will be angel," came his answer, barely more than a whisper.
"Can you stand? I mean I can help you ..." He was making her utterly uncomfortable. She'd come to tell him she was sorry. Sorry for what exactly, she wasn't even sure. For lashing out at him - but he'd deserved as much. For blaming him - even when nothing was completely his fault. If she couldn't tell him how sorry she was for everything that had happened then she could at least help him get cleaned up. Hopefully he'd see it as an apology.
"If you can stand, why don't you get cleaned up?" she suggested weakly.
Victor got to his feet, unsteadily, and managed to undress. Rogue kept her mouth shut but failed to remain composed at suddenly having him stripped naked in front of her. It wasn't the first time she'd seen him without any clothes on, it was just that this was an entirely different situation. It was embarrassing in a way, because she remembered what it felt like to have him inside her mouth and between her thighs.
He glared at her. "If you find me so repulsive then get the hell out. I have no use for pity or charity."
Rogue couldn't keep her cheeks from flushing.
"No it's not like that ... it's ..." she stammered and went to turn on the water instead.
"It's 'what' then?" he sneered and stepped into the shower.
Rogue tried to think of something to say but her mind had gone blank with reasonable explanations. She couldn't handle another argument with yet another arrogant and selfish man. All she wanted was to crawl into bed and get a long night's uninterrupted sleep. No dreams, no nothing. By the time Victor finished showering, his body seemed intact. She studied him silently while he towel dried his long hair and the rest of himself.
"You want me to go get Hank?" she said calmly.
Victor snorted. "What's Beast gonna do? I don't need no medical attention, and he can't help me with the rest either."
"The rest? What do you mean?"
"Nothing you'd understand angel," he bit off through clenched teeth.
She frowned. "Fine. I'm gonna go since you seem to be okay," Rogue said and started for the door but Victor's voice had her trapped the moment the words were out of his mouth.
"Don't."
He barely gave Rogue time to react before his mouth was locked onto hers, one hand at her neck holding her firmly in place and the other at the small of her back to pull her close to him. At first, Rogue found herself struggling, pressing the heels of her hands against Victor's bare chest in an attempt to push him away. Moments later her fingers were curled into his still damp hair and she willingly opened her mouth for him. The lines of their bodies pressed against each other so tightly Rogue had trouble breathing but she'd given into the kiss, and Victor gave it to her the way she wanted it; kissing her forcefully, his tongue exploring every inch of her mouth and lips. Licking and biting and sucking. Tasting her. He was kissing her like he was trying to breathe her in. Like she was life.
Rogue was only vaguely aware of her kimono ending up in a pile on the floor. Victor broke off the kiss and relieved her of the nightie. She held his gaze, still short of breath from the intense kiss as he lifted her up and placed her on the counter next to the hand basin. He gave her another look she couldn't interpret as he reached out and brushed his fingers across her right arm. Rogue knew what he was doing but couldn't make herself look at his fingers as they traced the bruises on her skin. He didn't ask her about it either, though she was certain he knew who'd caused them.
"Kiss me," she whispered and reached for him, wrapping both arms and legs around him. She could feel his need; so hard and ready it made her whimper into his mouth as he pressed himself against her. This wasn't going to fix anything, she wasn't foolishly deluding herself, but she needed to feel close to something. To someone. Rogue needed to feel needed, like someone wanted her enough not to let go. And she knew he wanted her; he'd never tried to hide that fact.
Victor put one hand against the wall for support and the other one around Rogue's waist. He watched her head fall back as he entered her in one smooth thrust. There was a moment of hesitation on his part, Rogue thought. She didn't want that, not now, because she didn't want to think - just act. Just have him and let him have her. Something must've shown in her face, and Victor slid back in harder this time. More this time. He drove himself as deep as she allowed him to, meeting his thrusts while kissing him, swallowing his moans as he ate hers in return. The only sound was the sound of flesh against flesh. Of his body sliding in and out of hers. He came hard, and Rogue clung to him, held him close until his body had gone still against her.
Rogue let Victor carry her into his bedroom. The only source of light came from the moon and it painted the room in different shades of gray, silver, and black. He placed her on the bed and lay down beside her, his fingers already making a trail across her collarbone. She inhaled sharply as he brushed her nipples, the mere touch tightening her body in a sweet but aching way. It felt so good, and she wanted to grab his hands and show him the way but she didn't. She didn't want to rush him, she wanted to enjoy the moment of the two of them together. As she felt his hand travel across her belly before ending up between her thighs, Rogue parted her legs so he could get better access. Her whole body ached for his touch, to feel him against her skin in a way that wasn't part of a game. The moment his fingers brushed her most sensitive parts Rogue arched her back off the bed, a soft whimper escaping her lips and turning into a moan. She wanted more, craved it and knew he'd give it to her.
Victor turned Rogue's chin towards him, his eyes intent on her face, her eyes, as he rubbed her clit until she was about to climax. She tugged at his arm, told him without words she had to have him inside her, wanted him to fuck her as she came. He waited until she was only a touch away from getting off then thrust himself inside, bringing her over the edge. Victor's mouth came down on her, and her cry was lost in that deep, hungry kiss. The weight of his body pinned Rogue down into the mattress but it didn't hurt. It wasn't uncomfortable; he wasn't being rough with her like she'd expected of him. This wasn't the kind of man she'd thought Victor to be in bed - his usual demeanor had always told her otherwise. Now there was only the man, nothing more. No taunting, no derogatory remarks. No games. Just him. Just Victor Creed giving her everything she longed for.
He held her hands above her head, their fingers enlaced and his hair falling around them like a golden curtain. Rogue bucked her hips against Victor, and with each thrust he slid over that spot deep inside her that would make her fall apart once more. This was everything she'd wanted from Logan, not just the intense passionate sex, the fucking, but this. The lovemaking. It left a bitter taste at the back of her tongue, what she was doing not only to herself but most of all what she was doing to Victor. She was using him and the knowledge burned and made Rogue close her eyes and bury her face against his neck.
"Angel look at me ... please look at me," he breathed against her hair.
She didn't want to, not really truly look into his eyes while he made love to her. She shouldn't even be there. She should leave for the very same reason she would've stayed if it had been Logan. Because it felt too good, too right. But with the wrong man. Having Victor on top of her, driving himself deeper and deeper inside her, over that bundle of nerves 'til she was trembling with the pent up need for release - it didn't erase that feeling that what she was doing was wrong on so many levels. It was wrong but she was still hurting and needed the kind of comfort he could give her to forget the pain. Moments after her own climax he followed her, groaning into her mouth as he came.
Rogue slid her arms around Victor's neck and rested her cheek against his hair while he lay panting on top of her. For a second, she thought about using her mutation on him, both terrified and curious about what she might see. Of what images there would be this time. So much had happened since that day in the training room. Everything was an emotional mess and she was caught in the middle. It suddenly felt like she was suffocating, the guilt trying to eat her alive because of what she was doing. No - it was all wrong. She wanted to stay but couldn't, she wanted so badly to just snuggle up against his warm body and forget about what had happened in her life up until that point. Victor wasn't going to question her motives or force her to talk about things she didn't want to talk about. Rogue gently pushed him off of her and tried to scramble out of bed. A hand grabbed her arm and pulled her down and close to him again.
Victor didn't say anything; instead he rolled over so he had her cradled against him. His leg was thrown over her, enveloping her with his body. He was asleep within a moment. Lying there on his arm, feeling that naked body almost melt into hers, she thought it should be comforting but it made her want to cry in agony. Either way, Victor wasn't going to notice now.
*********
It was still dark when he opened his eyes, short of breath and heart racing like he'd just woken from a nightmare. He couldn't breathe. When he was trying to move to rise he sensed another presence. Something warm. Bare skin. Something soft. Something that smelled of him, of his touch. He knew that scent, and hated himself for it. Rogue was sound asleep on his arm, her face nuzzling his neck. She looked content, almost. Each breath she let out against his skin hurt. It burned and seared and it was only then that he also realized he was cradling her; his arms around her body, their legs entangled. The lines of their bodies pressed tightly against each other.
Victor managed to crawl out of bed and not wake her. Trying not to look at her because it was all an illusion, he went straight into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. Something cold and sharp. He was staring at that small silvery piece that could bring him back to reality. Back to his usual state of mind. He had to free himself from the evidence of her touch, her scent, the images of her body beneath him, watching her climax and knowing he'd been the one to take her to that point. Remembering that it had been his name that had spilled over those lips of hers. His name and no one else's. He watched as the wound on his wrist healed then raked the blade down his arm again and again. Harder. And again. It was supposed to bring the calm. Control. It was supposed to help but the deeper the cuts the faster and stronger came the images of the two of them together.
There was a knock on the door. Shock showed on Rogue's face as her eyes slowly took in the sight of him, of the scene in front of her. He knew he was covered in blood, that the hand basin was crimson red and not white. And he knew he was still holding the razor blade in his right hand. Part of him had expected her to be disgusted by it, he'd been so sure she'd feel repulsed by what he'd done. Anything but sorrow. Pity. Hurt. Guilt. Anything save those emotions would've been better. He suddenly burned with the need for her to hate him and still he just let her help him get cleaned up. No questions, only her hands on his skin.
She slowed her movements, the palm of her hands still on his bare chest. Victor sensed her hesitate; saw the unspoken question in those dark brown eyes of hers. Just when Rogue was about to take a step back he caught her hands and pressed them against his skin.
"Do it angel," he whispered and held her gaze, knowing she knew he understood. He didn't give a damn anymore what happened.
The absorption didn't last any longer than it did the first time, but it was more than enough. Victor could see it in her face, in the way those deep brown eyes of hers widened in shock and sorrow, then confusion. He staggered and fell to his knees, gasping for air and searching for strength. It hurt this time too, but in a completely different way. Rogue's hands were suddenly cradling his face, trying to make him focus on her.
"You're here now and not ... down there. They can't hurt you anymore," she said softly.
Victor met her gaze, stared into her eyes and knew she'd always be just out of reach.
"No, but you will," he said.
"Don't say that, just ..."
He brushed her cheeks. "And what did I say about cryin'? You gotta stop - it's not worth it."
Rogue buried her face against his neck. It seemed like she'd done nothing but cry since Logan left. She'd used Victor for comfort, used herself in a way, to try and forget; but she couldn't forget about the man she'd been in love with for years. Even worse, she couldn't erase what she'd shared with Victor and what she knew about him, the things he thought about and felt. Why he'd been acting the way he had. He'd let her use him knowing where her heart would always be. It was as if he didn't care about it anymore.
She stayed with him the rest of the night but when she finally woke up, it was closer to lunch rather than breakfast and she was alone. Victor was gone but she was going to find him and make him talk to her.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
She couldn't stay hidden in her room forever, not when she, as their leader, had a responsibility to be strong. But what good was she when she couldn't even meet her own reflection in the mirror?