Swearing steadily under her breath Rogue tossed the blankets off and slipped soundlessly out of the room she shared with Jubilee and Kitty. Once again it was another nightmare that shattered her rest, but she had almost come to welcome them. It was the last link to a man who’d run again that she held. Padding down the hall she slid stealthily into the now vacant room Logan had claimed.

Closing the door Rogue flipped on the light and glanced around. The room was exactly as it had been the day he’d left. The bed was still unmade, the ashtray still held a partial cigar, and a pair of worn jeans lay haphazardly over a chair.

Walking across the room, Rogue let her bare fingers trail over the bedspreads, the pillows, dresser top, soaking up the traces of human contact she’d never experience. Sinking onto the bed she folded her hands in her lap even as her eyes swept the room.

Frowning suddenly she grabbed for the edge of silk peaking out of the top drawer. Opening the drawer with numb fingers Rogue stared hard at the familiar purple silk piled in a drawer. With fingers that trembled slightly Rogue picked up the bundled scarf and felt her chest tighten with a fresh wave of pain.

“Oh God why? Why am I not enough Logan?” she whispered tearfully holding the scarf to her face to partially muffle her sobs. Four years of waiting, watching, loving him without any expectation and this was her reward. It was now glaringly apparent that he was never going to see her as anything more than an obligation.

Balling the scarf up even further she rose sharply only to halt at the dull thud at her feet. With a frown she bent over to pick up the battered, leather bound book and turned it over, searching for some sign of what it was. Lifting the cover Rogue felt her anger beginning to melt.


Hours later Rogue sat wrapped in the blankets, smoking the remainder of a cigar. Tucking another stray strand of hair behind her ear, Rogue leaned over the side of the bed and looked under it.


Grinning slightly she grabbed the lone, dusty bottle of Molsens and sat back up. Turning the page she started in again in a familiar tale. She’d never have believed Logan was capable of keeping a journal, but he had. He’d written about every place he’d been searching for his past, up to and including Alkali Lake. Granted most of it read like a manual on how to fight but still, it was something. It was some indication that he was trying to keep a record of his life.

Giggling softly when she read about his fight before he’d gotten into Laughlin City she had to admit he did have a good job. It suited him perfectly, his animalistic nature worked well in his bouts within the cage.

Stilling when she turned the page Rogue set the bottle down slowly as she stared in shock at the ink drawing staring back at her. Breathing in slowly she traced the picture with a finger that shook. Shrouded in a familiar dark cloak, her face with that hint of desperation and awe stared back at her. It was something she recognized, it was the expression she’d had when she’d first seen Logan sitting down. Written in the flowing scrawl she was coming to recognize as easily as her own was a single word, one she hadn’t seen in a very long time.

*Marie*

Turning the page she sighed as her eyes fell on a familiar date.

~September 23, met the kid. Or rather smelled her. It was a shock to smell innocence in that shit hole. But it ain’t like I got any right to question it. Just know it was something that struck a cord within me. Once I got a good look at her, I have to admit I like what I saw. Just know a look at her or from her gets me harder than any other woman I’ve seen the past fifteen years. Wouldn’t mind trying to fuck with her - maybe with her I’d finally be able to get off. Maybe...

Wouldn’t’ve minded sittin’ with her a while longer, but that fucker showed up. Ain’t too sure why I used the claws - didn’t need to. Damn felt like a young stud trying to impress my girl. But then I guess maybe I was.

Like her name. Don’t really know why, it ain’t exotic or unusual. Rogue suits her to. Course I ain’t exactly sure why I told her my name, she probably won’t remember it beyond the next stop. Wish I didn’t have to let her go.~

The rustle of paper as she turned the page, was the only sound in the room as Rogue read further.

~September 25, Gotta find her. I won’t risk her for nothing. Marie is my girl and I gotta protect her. She’s worth everything to me. I’m the reason she ran, if I hadn’t stabbed her.. God I wish I hadn’t done that. When I find her I’ll tell her that. I’ll tell her everything I can. ~

Rogue sighed, so much emotion. So much energy locked within a few words. Logan had been so torn. It stunned her to think she’d never tried to understand why he’d acted like he had. After she’d absorbed him she’d struggled to retain her own personality and had never really delved into Logan’s personality.


In hindsight it occurred to her that perhaps she should have. Perhaps she should have tried to see beyond the surface to find out what was in his heart. Perhaps she’d try to after she’d finished reading.

Flipping through the pages Rogue sought the most recent of dates. Finally find the last entry. Blinking aside tears she inhaled slowly before focusing on the words.

~I love Marie. It’s taken me nearly twenty years to find a woman I could love. Loving her doesn’t mean I own her. Because I love her I realize I have to let her go. I can’t sit by and watch her build a life with one of these young punks falling for her. I know she deserves someone whole, someone who’s got more than nightmares to offer her. Don’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It does. So I guess this means goodbye. This time I won’t come back - I can’t. Someday she may realize why, and may even forgive me for running, but that’s something I can only hope for. I have to sever all ties to her; to this place, and I know I can do it - it’ll just take time. Time is something I have a helluva lot of! I just have to focus..even if it takes forever!~

Rogue sighed sadly, how typical of Logan to decide what was best for her without asking her. Rising she moved over to the window and looked out for a moment before smiling softly. Returning to the bed she sat down, exhaled slowly and closed her eyes.

Sinking into her own thoughts, Rogue made her way to the rooms within her mind that held those who’d touched her. The room where she’d once put David was empty, Logan’s presence had erased him, St. John was silent as usual, sulking in misery because he couldn’t have control. Eric was busy trying to plot his next move even while staring at the chess board his memories had created.

The next room was alive with sounds, smells though and Rogue smiled softly. Opening the door she slipped into the darkness and glanced around. A moment later a soft light filled the room and she stared at a rather disgruntled looking Logan.

*Hey darlin’,* Rogue started. *How are you doing?*

**Why am I locked in here? Let me out!**

*Tell me something and I will,* Rogue promised softly as she moved toward him. *Tell me who I am.*

**Marie, my girl.**

*I’m not Rogue, super freak?*

**You’re Marie. You’re mine.**

*I’ll let you out of this room Logan on one condition,* Rogue stated calmly as he approached her his growling starting to grow in volume.

**Name it.**


*Take me to the one place you run to when you can’t escape things.*

Logan stared at her for a moment his eyes searching hers then nodded, **Give me control and I’ll take you.**

Rogue nodded and held out a hand. *You’ve got all the control Logan, I trust you to keep me safe.*

**I’ll take care of you, I promise.** The familiar promise drew a smile from Rogue as she felt him squeeze her hand. Oh yes, he would keep his promise - he always had even when his promise nearly killed him.