I watch her. I always have. I'm in love with her, after all. All of us have been, at one time or another.

She chose Scott, the golden boy. With his good looks and confidence, who wouldn't have chosen him?

But I continued to love her from afar. A goddess on a pedestal, who deigned to take pity on a beast like me, and called me friend.

Even when I was with Trish -- and the less said about that, the better -- I continued to watch Jean. We work so closely together, how could I not?

When Trish left me, I couldn't bear to stay in New York. There were too many memories, and too many reminders of what I would never have. Never before had the happiness of others so grated upon my nerves, but seeing Jean and Scott together, while I was alone, nursing a broken heart, was too much. They tried to include me, cheer me up, but their talk of engagements and weddings only made me sadder.

I took a position at Berkeley. Got as far away from them as I could, and spent a very happy two years doing research. I hid in the basement laboratory, like some freakish Dr. Frankenstein. Going out only after dark, wearing a trench coat and fedora -- I lived out many of my childhood fantasies, pretending I was Humphrey Bogart or Cary Grant, spying on the enemy for the greater good.

When Charles called me to tell me of a new mutant at the school, one who couldn't touch, I was intrigued. I allowed myself to believe that it was curiosity, as well as the desire to help the poor creature who was thus afflicted, that brought me back. But I've never been good at prevarication. I needed to see Jean again, and I knew that we'd be working in close proximity to help the girl -- Rogue.

I was drawn to her from the first, and she to me. I was the only one she could touch, and I was grateful for once for the mistake that had led to my blue and furry condition.

When Logan returned, I saw how she looked at him, and knew that she was in love with him. It was written in every line of her being.

He, as most of us, had eyes only for Jean. We were in the same boat, he and I, and we became friends. But I knew that I'd never have the chance he would to share her affections. Logan has joked that he should more rightly have the codename Beast, but it is no more than that -- a joke. He has a feral, animal quality, it's true, but it draws women to him, while my monstrousness drives them away.

No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I do not indulge in such weakness anymore. I learned a long time ago that I am not a man who makes women swoon. They are much more likely to turn away in horror from me, or, what may even be worse, laugh at my advances.

So, I continued to watch as Jean went to him, after Scott left. It didn't bother me as much as you might think. I knew she didn't love him, and all I craved from her was her love. Her friendship had sufficed, and her affair with Logan wouldn't take that little bit of her away from me.

When Rogue departed, I gave her a map and a credit card so she could always find her way. And I tried to be a good friend to both Logan and Jean as they realized the enormity of their error.

When Scott came back, we all made the erroneous assumption that he would reconcile with Jean. I had already steeled my heart against the pain of seeing them together as they rebuilt their love. I had no idea -- though I pride myself on being a keen observer, I obviously missed the signs on this one -- that Ororo was in love with Scott. Nor did I ever expect him to return her feelings.

It seems that everything has worked itself out now. Rogue has Logan, who despite his gruff exterior, is gentleness personified with her -- and lives in desperate fear that she will somehow stop loving him. Ororo has Scott, and together they are slowly growing into their love, which blooms as the flowers in her garden.

Jean is still alone, working on ridding herself of the guilt I know she carries like an albatross around her neck. I try to be helpful, always ready with a joke and a smile as we work together every day, but it makes me want to wreck the lab when I see the dark circles under her eyes, and I know that she spent another night alone, crying into her pillow.

Would that my fairy tale would come true, that the beauty I adore could find love with this Beast. But I know that reality seldom follows the path of children's stories, and I hide my heart, because of all the things I'd love for her to give me, pity isn't one of them.

End

---

Etcetera

The songs that inspired - or in some cases - lent their names to the stories in this series. All are hits of the 1980s, when I was a teenager and even more music-obsessed than I am now.

~*~

No One Is to Blame -- Howard Jones

You can look at the menu but you just can't eat
You can feel the cushions but you can't have a seat
You can dip your foot in the pool but you can't have a swim
You can feel the punishment but you can't commit the sin
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can build a mansion but you just can't live in it
You're the fastest runner but you're not allowed to win
Some break the rules
And live to count the cost
The insecurity is the thing that won't get lost
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can see the summit but you can't reach it
It's the last piece of the puzzle but you just can't make it fit
Doctor says you're cured but you still feel the pain
Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame

~~*~~

Invisible - Alison Moyet (the ultimate High School chick song)

You've got me so confused and there's words I could use
But I'm afraid to say them
I feel I've been had and I'm boiling mad
Still I can't live without you
You don't have the time and you won't spend a dime
Not even to call me
You don't know I exist and I wouldn't be missed
If I had the nerve to quit you

Invisible - I feel like I'm invisible
You treat me like I'm not really there
And you don't really care
I know this romance - it ain't going nowhere
Invisible [just like your love]
You treat me like I'm invisible
When you get the need to flirt
You do the works
You just don't care how much it hurts

I can never reach you on the phone
It rings and rings well I know you're home
It maybe naive but I just wanna believe
I'm the only one
I tell myself lies to give you alibis
Knowing your promises you'll never keep
Like a merry-go-round I'm going up going down
I'm on a dead end street

Invisible [just like your love]
I feel like I'm invisible
You treat me like I'm not really there
And you don't really care
I know this romance it ain't going nowhere

Although I know it's not a lot
Don't wanna lose whatever we've got
I keep hanging on knowing I can't win
Cause it's too hard to start over again

Invisible

~*~

The Ghost In You - Psychedelic Furs (Though I prefer the Counting Crows version )

a man in my shoes runs a light
and all the papers lied tonight
but falling over you
is the news of the day
angels fall like rain
and love...is all of heaven away
inside you the time moves
and she don't fade
the ghost in you
she don't fade
inside you the time moves
and she don't fade
a race is on, i'm on your side
and here in you my engines die
i'm in a mood for you
or running away
stars come down in you
and love...you can't give it away
inside you the time moves
and she don't fade
the ghost in you
she don't fade
inside you the time moves
and she don't fade
don't you go
it makes no sense
when all your talk and supermen
just take away the time
and get in the way
ain't it just like rain
and love, love, love, love, love...is only heaven away
inside you the time moves
and she don't fade
the ghost in you
she don't fade
inside you the time moves
and she don't fade
the ghost in you, she don't fade
inside you the time moves
and she don't fade
the ghost in you
she don't fade

~~*~~

Alone Again Or - Brian McLean (I love The Damned's version - as you can see, not much to do with the story, unless it were Scott's POV )

Yeah said it's alright
I won't forget
All the times I waited patiently for you
As you do just what you choose to do
And I will be alone again tonight my dear

Yeah I heard a funny thing
Somebody said to me
That you could be in love with almost anyone
You think people are the greatest fun
And I will be alone again tonight for you


Hey said its alright
You know I won't forget
All the times I waited patiently for you
Now you do just what
You choose to do
And I will be alone again tonight its true

~*~

Love Will Tear Us Apart -- Joy Division (One of the most gloriously depressing and beautiful songs ever)

When routine bites hard, and ambitions are low
And resentment rides high, but emotions won't grow
And we're changing our ways, taking different roads
Then love, love will tear us apart again...
Why is the bedroom so cold? You've turned away on your side
Is my timing that flawed - have our feelings run dry?
Yet there's still this appeal that we've kept through our lives
Love, love will tear us apart again...
You cry out in your sleep - all my failings expose
There's a taste in my mouth, as desperation takes hold
Just that something so good just can't function no more
When love, love will tear us apart again...

~*~

In Between Days - The Cure (Not much to do with this installment, but my favorite Cure song. And it sort of fits Hank's feelings, no?)

Yesterday I got so old
I felt like I could die
Yesterday I got so old
It made me want to cry
Go on go on
Just walk away
Go on go on
Your choice is made
Go on go on
And disappear
Go on go on
Away from here

And I know I was wrong
When I said it was true
That it couldn't be me and be her
Inbetween without you
Without you

Yesterday I got so scared
I shivered like a child
Yesterday away from you
It froze me deep inside
Come back come back
Don't walk away
Come back come back
Come back today
Come back come back
Why can't you see?
Come back come back
Come back to me

And I know I was wrong
When I said it was true
That it couldn't be me and be her
Inbetween without you
Without you

Timeline:

Scott leaves for Alaska in early March.

A week after he leaves, Jean goes to Logan.

Three weeks later, it's Spring Break and Rogue walks in on Jean & Logan in the weight room. She goes back to school two days later.

Rogue comes home in May, at the end of school.

In July, Logan confronts her in the stables; she confronts Jean the next day, and then leaves.

She takes a month to get to Alaska - so she arrives in Juneau in mid-to-late August.

Logan and Jean spend another four months together - he leaves to find her in October, arrives in Juneau in late November.

LWTUA begins in late January and ends in March.