My life, it sucks. You have no idea.

...Okay, most of the issues occurred yesterday in what Scott is now referring to as 'The Incident'. And believe me, when he says it? It's capitalised.

And yes, I'm well aware that I live in a mansion, have super powers, my own income, and, let's face it, awesome hair. But that aside, this is my pity party, so if I say it sucks. Then it sucks.

Kinda.

Okay, maybe it doesn't suck per-se.

It would certainly suck much less if I had the courage to ever leave my room again. I mean, I like my personal space, but a lifetime of Jubes blasting Gangham style through our adjoining wall? It's not for me. Plus, I'm pretty damn hungry.

I huff out a sigh, flop back on my bed and contemplate how I'm going to die loveless and alone. Pure and untouched. Well... aside from that brief thing with Remy. Oh, and that failed fumble with Bobby in the hall closet a few months ago... wow, what was I thinking?

So, let's clarify. My life doesn't really suck, and 'untouched' would probably get me sued under the Trade Descriptions Act. Whatever. Can we concentrate on my tale of epic woe, here?

What you have to understand was that it wasn't my fault. Not really. Or... maybe only slightly.

You see, I may have overstepped some boundaries. Done some things I shouldn't have. Just a few. Nothing major. Teensy insignificant things, really. Y'know, when you compare them to nuclear fallout. Or world hunger.

...The end of the Universe as we know it, maybe?

Okay, I'm not even convincing myself here. Let me start at the beginning...

Yesterday. It all started so innocently.

It was the evening of our Summer Ball. I'd spent an entire day with Jubes helping her choose the right shade of yellow dress. A whole day of yellow dress shopping. Any idea what that can do to a person? So I admit, by the time evening had rolled round, I'd already had a few drinks. I took my time getting ready. I spent over an hour on my hair alone, making it carefully look like I'd just rolled out of bed with Logan. Oh it's a look, believe me. I've seen many girls stagger out his rooms the next morning wearing it. He's such a man-whore. It would be annoying if it wasn't quite so... frustrating. And he didn't have such a fine ass.

And while we're on the subject, I hate his ass. His stupid adamantium-laced, firm, encased in tight, tight jeans... slung low on his hips, no shirt... thin line of hair trailing down to... yeah I hate his ass.

Dammit.

Where was I...?

Oh yeah. Man-whore.

Unfortunately, just rolled with Logan has never been my style, seeing as Logan has me wrapped up in a hazmat suit and ten yards of police tape in his head with a big flashing 'do not the fuck cross this line' sign at my feet. I hate that sign. Come on, I'm legal, I'm not hideous, hell, that's Logan's entire check list right there. Okay, anyone who touches me, dies... but what's life without a little danger, hmm? Besides. He heals. The only way it could have been more obvious we were meant to be together, was if Fate had scrawled across his forehead in black marker, 'Yo Rogue, this is the one for you, sister. Check out the ass.' Because, let's face it, even Fate would notice that baby.

So, last night, the Summer Ball. I had decided it was high time I stamped on the 'do not the fuck cross this line' sign. Spent half my bank balance on a gorgeous dark green dress. Strappy little shoes that looked like heaven and burned like the fires of hell before I'd even left my room. Even my nails were done underneath my gauzy gloves.

It had all started off so well.

Jubes had poked her head around my door just after seven. 'Hey, you ready?'

I gave her a twirl. 'What do you think?'

'Nice hair,' Jubes said, cracking her gum. 'You look like you just fell outta bed with the Wolvermachine.'

See? Told ya.

The party itself was average. Jean didn't turn up, still working on something at the lab. Scott was there venting his frustration at being stood up on anyone who showed signs of enjoying themselves. Hank was bopping away on the dance floor, oblivious. 'Ro was using her powers to make her hair flow back from her face in a rippling breeze, looking like she was permanently in a Beyonce video wherever she walked. Seriously, why couldn't I have got those powers instead? The Professor was in his study schmoozing donations out of rich guys. 'Course, he always denies he uses his telepathic powers to help, but, well, lets just say that the money flows in suspiciously easily and I don't think it's all down to his natural charisma.

And Logan? Well, he was in a tux. I kid you not. A full out, black, beautifully cut, perfectly fitting, ass-hugging tux. Did I mention the ass-hugging? Mmm. And he was in a hell of a pissy mood about it.

In fact, the only time I saw Scott smirk all evening was when Logan walked past him practically shooting claws from his eyes.

'Lost bet,' Jubes whispered to me. 'Logan bet Scott he could make it through a whole day without making a student cry.'

'What happened?'

'That little kid? The one who can zap bugs?'

Now there's a power you could exploit to the wider market. Don't like mutants? Have you tried having one on your porch on a muggy summers eve...? 'Raid?'

'That's the one. Logan threw a spider at him. Totally missed. It landed in Mary-Jane's hair. Apparently the screams could be heard all the way down the hall.'

Whatever. I made a mental note to thank Scott later. There was something deliciously wrong about seeing an unshaven, disgruntled Logan in a tux. Especially as he still managed to make it look cool. Also? Ass. Hug.

Anyway. So the party went on. Music, drinks, dancing. Awkward eye-contact. You know the drill. And at the at the prime time of 11.35, just when the music was starting to slow and the dancing was more about groping your partner whilst under the pretence of swaying from side to side, Logan came over to see me. Yep, me. Not Jean, not 'Ro, not the hot waitress hired by the catering company... seriously, like I need more competition? But me.

And he was giving me the 'Look'. The eyebrow, slight smirk, definitely interested, potential-grope-on-the-dance-floor, look.

That, of course, was the exact moment the emergency mental call came through from the Professor calling the team to the flight bay at once.

Woo-fuckin-hoo.

So that was the first part of my life-suckage. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's not as if I lost a leg or anything, but you'd be pissed too.

Logan disappeared in a cloud of blue smoke. Literally. Seconds later he was stood with Kurt by the bar getting one for the road. Jubes took one look at my expression, slung her vile tasting green drink on a nearby table, and dragged me down to the lower levels before I started kicking and screaming.

And that's when things really started to go wrong.

 

 

'Where are our suits?' In the locker room, 'Ro was staring at her empty hanger as if waiting long enough would make the suit magically appear.

Scott strode in, looking even more annoyed than he had at the party, if it was at all possible. 'Still in laundry from the training exercise yesterday.'

Jubes cracked her gum again. 'Seriously? Well how come yours is okay?'

'I have a spare,' Scott said. He was already dressed in his. I'm not entirely sure how that was possible. Did he have hidden super-clothing speeds we were previously unaware of? Maybe it was underneath his summer ball outfit all this time, and he just ripped the outer layers off in a superman-in-a-phone-booth fashion. That would be nice. For all his foibles, Scott is rather nice to look at. The thought of him ripping anything off is kind of... distracting...

Hormones, please go back in your box. Stay there until you're needed. Thank you.

'Of course you do.' 'Ro sighed, dragging my thoughts out of the gutter and back to reality. She dug around in her locker and came up with a pair of neon pink sweat pants and a t-shirt that said 'I'm with stupid'. 'This'll have to do.'

'And I suppose I'll just have to go in what I'm wearing then,' said Jubes, smoothing her little yellow dress fondly. 'I knew it was a good idea to wear flats.'

Well, there was no way I was taking my half-my-bank-balance-dress to get wrecked in a fight. Hell, I was already getting jumpy about the thought of it getting creased on the plane. 'Y'know what, I'll just get my suit out the laundry and wear it anyway. I'm sure it'll be fine.'

'Wasn't yours damaged?'

Oh. Yeah, I'd forgotten about that.

Scott frowned. 'Your replacement isn't due until Tuesday. You'll have to wear something from the spare locker.'

Oh God. It was like gym class at school all over again. The spare locker. It was not a thing to take on lightly, especially not without S.W.A.T. backup. It loomed like a monolith of promised shame, towering over me from it's sweaty smelling corner of the changing room. I sized it up. Wondered if I could take it on and win. 'Ummm... Y'know I'm not feeling all that well...?' I tried.

Scott just gave me a look. Even through his visor it would have withered lesser mutants.

Eyeroll. 'Yeah okay, gimme the damn spare already.' I made my way over, hoping like hell for a bit of good luck. A hoodie and sweats, that would do. Or jeans. I could fight in jeans.

I found only a blanket, a single sneaker, a pair of neatly pressed chinos that looked like they might possibly just about fit a five year old. Oh, and a couple of rows of dated spandex.

'Try the green and yellow one,' Scott called over his shoulder. 'Should fit.'

See? Suckage.

Still, between that and the half-my-bank-balance-dress, the spandex was far more expendable. Cursing under my breath, I started clambering in to the thing. 'Jesus, does this thing even have a zipper?' I swear I got my head through the arm hole three times before Jubes had to come and untangle me.

'Where the fuck are my damn leathers?'

Enter Logan. Stage left.

'You wrecked them yesterday during the training exercise Logan.' Scott had his lecture voice on. 'Remember the liquid nitrogen?'

Hell, I did. That steamy coldness that had spilled all over him? He froze, he healed, the suit shattered. Best damn way I've ever seen anyone get undressed. Period.

'You know, those suits cost us.' Scott was still going. 'You should really take better care of them.'

Oh, but it had been so pretty.

'Wear something from the spare locker.'

Logan just grunted. 'Fuck that. I've seen what's in there. Look at Rogue. Looks like she's been slapped round the head by the spandex fairy.

All evening I had waited for him to notice what I was wearing, and that was my moment? Suckage numero three. Screw you, life.

In the end, by the time we made it onto the jet we were a motley crew. Scott was the only one properly dressed. Jean was still in her lab coat, Hank in an old pair of jeans he'd found in the back of his locker and a jacket that was two sizes too small and wouldn't do up. Bobby, who arrived late, in his jeans and a rather tight pink 'hello kitty' t-shirt that was obviously Kitty's. Kitty didn't show up at all. Jubes was in her dress, Ro in her sweats. Logan in his tux. And me in my stretchy homage to the early nineties.

I know what you're thinking, are laundry issues really enough to justify 'The Incident'? But, you see, the evening was only just beginning.

 

 

'Pick up is a white male, fourteen or fifteen years of age, mutation unknown.'

Scott's briefings were never very exciting at the best of times, but they did usually convey useful information, so I figured I'd better listen. Logan's briefings were shorter, but more along the 'yeah, there's a kid and some bad guys. Get the kid and fuck up the bad guys. And someone get me a damn beer.'

'He's being held in a warehouse just outside of the city limits. Last report we had of number of hostiles is unclear, so expect the worst. We should be there in fifteen. Anyone have any questions?'

'Is the mutant dangerous.'

'Unknown,' said Scott.

'What's the terrain like?'

'Unknown.'

'Anyone got any questions he can actually answer?' Logan smirked.

I swear Scott's hand twitched at his visor.

It wasn't the most exciting journey, so I'll skip over that part. When we landed, that's when things started to get really weird.

It was an abandoned warehouse. The kind with the chain link fence and the snarling guard dogs. A couple of sleeping pills and a steak later however, and they were snoring guard dogs. I don't always give Jean credit, but it sure is useful having a doctor on the team.

Scott bought out a pair of wire cutters and began snipping a meticulously neat hole at ground level. Logan waited until Scott was about half way through, then sliced a gaping slash next to him in a matter of seconds. An eat-shit smirk, and he peeled it back, gesturing for the rest of the team to step through. Scott's lips compressed into a tight line, and I could feel the glare he shot at Logan's back without even looking.

I'll say one thing for spandex, it was surprisingly comfy. None of that annoying chafing you get with the leathers. I started to re-evaluate my original harsh opinion of my outfit as I followed the others inside. There was only the one entrance to the building, so there was no sense in splitting up.

Scott stood flush to the wall, counted down from three on his fingers, then pointed to the door. 'Now!' he said, in a hushed whisper.

No one did anything.

Scott glared. 'Logan. The door?'

'You what, bub?' Logan sounded distracted.

'You're supposed to break down the door?'

'Yeah... I'll just get on that...'

'Stop staring at Rogue's ass and get on with it then!'

I had a little moment of shock and disbelief. Then awesomeness. He was staring at my ass? Score two for the spandex. I wasn't ever gonna take it off again!

'Um guys?' Jubes interjected between a mouthful of gum. 'The door's, like, unlocked?' She stepped up to it, wiggled the handle a few times to make her point. 'See?' She gave it a gentle push and it swung open on it's hinges, giving the most almighty loud creak as it went. We all froze to the spot.

'Bobby, that is not helpful...'

'Sorry, panicked.' Bobby looked sheepish. Which is more than Logan looked, even though he'd been caught in the act of staring at my ass. He just gave me a smirk and threw a brief, 'Y'know kid, that outfit's growin' on me,' comment my way.

Well, that was awkward. Not the Logan thing, although that left me all red cheeked and buzzed up on a heady combo of adrenalin and hormones. No, it was the fact that we'd all come to raid the place, the door was wide open and none of us could move.

Hank started humming a little tune. Ro stared up a the night sky. Jean got a little notepad out of her lab coat pocket and began scribbling one or two things down.

'Fuck this,' said Logan, and began smashing his way out of the ice surrounding his feet. It took him a few goes, but he was free. Scott, not to be outdone, used the smallest beam of his power he could manage, carefully heating the ice like a precision laser. It took a while, and between them made a lot of noise, but eventually we were all free.

The question we were all thinking was where were all the guards?

'You sure we came to the right place?' Logan peered in to the warehouse beyond as he spoke. 'Seems empty.'

A flicker of doubt crossed Scott's face, but it had gone before it barely had time to register. 'Inside,' he beckoned to everyone.

The place was rather nondescript. Far from the dank holes with leaking pipes and atmospheric steam, or suspiciously marked wooden crates stacked up to the ceiling we usually end up in, once we'd got through the entrance hallway, past a disused office to the right, we were in a big white washed room, with a sofa, two chairs, and a small grey metal door at the far end. It was completely empty.

Scott went first. Quiet. Logan had his back. They may snipe and jerk at each other, but they'd defend each other well enough in a fight. Well, after the first few blows anyway.

We all fanned out around the grey door. Even I could hear noise behind it. This time when Scott did his three, two, one countdown, Logan took it far more seriously. The door was ripped off it's hinges, all of us hunched ready to fight. I got a glimpse of a huddled, frightened face, then...

Blankness. Utter blankness. The kind that was white, then dark, and had your eyes rolling back into your head as you blacked out completely.

And when I woke up, I had absolutely no idea who I was.

 

 

Okay, so I was alive. I knew that much. I knew I was female, that bit was instinctive... and obvious. I mean, hello, not exactly shirking on the chest front, here. I wasn't entirely sure what I wearing, or why I was lying on the floor, but I could think fairly clearly, form coherent sentences, and therefore, I deduced quite uselessly, I must be somebody.

Right.

Get up. That seemed a good place to start.

My head throbbed as I did so. When I was upright, I saw several other people doing the same thing. Rubbing their heads, frowning as they looked around themselves. I didn't recognise any of them; although there was this nagging feeling that perhaps I should. Maybe if I made an effort...? I screwed up my eyes, tried really hard...

Nope. Nothing.

Trapped in a room full of... wow... seriously, who were those guys?

'What the fuck?'

A guy in a tux got to his feet. He had crazy hair, this retro-mutton chop thing going on, and he was mouthing off like a sailor.

'Who the fuck are you people. What are you all doin' here? And who the fuck am I?'

'Hold on a minute.' One of the other guys got to his feet. He was wearing some kind of band across his eyes? Was that fashionable? How could he see anything? 'Do any of us know what's going on? Maybe you should calm down.'

'Calm down? I'll give you calm, bub. I wanna know what you've done to me, and why the fuck you've done it wearin' some sort of gimp suit.'

A red headed woman in a lab coat, a doctor, maybe? She got to her feet. 'He has a point.'

'See?' Said mutton-chops in a tux.

'Not you,' said the red head. 'Him.'

'The gimp?'

'Oh ha ha,' the Visor guy said.

'Oww, my head...'

We all turned to look behind us. There were three others pulling themselves into a sitting position by the wall. Some chick in a yellow dress, a white haired woman in sweats and some boy band type in a pink 'hello kitty' t-shirt.

'Oh man, what happened...?' yellow girl groaned, holding her head.

Hello Kitty looked so pale I thought he might actually throw up.

Visor guy gave them a once over. 'Anyone know who they are?'

'Uhhhh...' said Hello Kitty.

'My head does feel rather... strange,' said the white haired lady.

'Just answer the question,' said Visor.

'Course they don't know. You fucked around with them like you did the rest of us,' said Mutton-chops.

'I didn't fu-... mess... around with anyone.' Emphasis on the word 'mess'. Whoever Visor is, he doesn't like to cuss.

'Yeah, well, Sunshine, Sporty Spice and Stupid over there ain't exactly lookin' all there.'

At that, Hello Kitty manages a frown. 'Hey, why am I stupid?'

Mutton-chops points. 'Says so on her shirt.'

Somewhere behind me, the Doctor snorts a little. I think it might be laughter, but she covers it up pretty damn quickly.

'Look,' said Visor in that reasonable tone that only teachers and librarians can pull off. 'We're all stuck in here together. We might as well work together to figure out what has happened.'

Mutton-chops snarls. 'Way I see it, I ain't stuck in here with anyone. There's a door over there. Hell, there's even an exit sign.'

'So why don't you use it...'

'I want some damn answers first.'

'To what? I don't know any more than you do!'

'Yeah... so you say...'

'Fine, ask me a question.'

'What is this place?'

'Unknown.'

'Why are you wearing that thing over your eyes?'

'Unknown.'

'Why am I getting this fucked up feeling of deja-vu?'

'Unkn-'

'Yeah, yeah,' said Mutton-chops, pulling a face.

A horrible thought stole over me. 'Maybe... were not... do y'think we're in the nut house?'

'An asylum?' the Doctor said, giving the thought serious consideration. 'I think there would be more staff around.'

'A fancy dress party?' piped up Sunshine.

That one didn't quite ring true, either.

'I feel like I should be in charge,' said the Visor guy.

'Hey, we ain't havin' any of your kinky stuff here,' Mutton-chops snapped back.

'If we look at it logically,' said the Doctor, 'both you and the girl in the yellow are in evening attire. Therefore I think we can deduce that you came here together. Perhaps from a formal event.

Mutton-chops scowled. 'Sunshine there ain't my type. Hell, I could be her father.'

'Maybe you are her father?' Everyone glared at me. 'What? Just saying.'

'Hey Daddy,' waved Sunshine. 'Um... I think I might be a little bit drunk?' She giggled. Which didn't help.

'You let your daughter drink?' Visor zeroed down on Mutton-chops.

'She ain't my kid!'

'Prove it.'

'She looks nothin' like me.'

The Doctor considered that for a moment, and decided to get involved. 'She could get her looks from her mom.'

'I have no idea who the fuck her mom is.'

'Well, that's hardly responsible parenting, is it,' said Visor, using his teacher voice again.

Mutton-chops took a deep breath. 'Fine. Kid? No more booze. There. Done.'

'What about the rest of us?' asked Sporty Spice.

'Well you and Hello Kitty there are both more casually dressed than the rest of us, and sat next to one another,' said the Doctor. 'It might suggest that maybe you arrived together?'

'Oh,' said Sporty Spice. 'Are you sure, because, and I don't mean to be discriminating here, but I thought he was gay.'

'I think I might be too,' said Hello Kitty with a frown. 'I mean, look at what I'm wearing. I don't feel gay though.' He stared long and hard at Visor in his leathers. Then at Mutton-chops. 'Nope. You guys aren't doing anything for me. He pointed at my chest and mimed giant boobs. 'I like those though.'

Why did I have to be the one wearing spandex? Why couldn't I have been wearing a nice head to toe sack cloth or something?

Sporty Spice glared. 'Well if you're not gay, then you're definitely dumped.'

'If we're paring people up accordin' to their clothes,' said Mutton-chops, 'then leather gimp suit and spandex are probably together.' He frowned and looked at me. 'I ain't happy about that. Makes me wanna...' he frowned even more and rubbed at his knuckles, 'do... stuff... like a fist bump...only more... pointy.' He mimed it. 'Though I couldn't tell you why.'

'Well that made a lot of sense.' Visor managed to look smug and unimpressed. Quite a feat, actually.

'Some things are instinctive,' said the Doctor.

'Whaddya mean?'

'Well if two people know each other well, lovers for example, then they may feel some kind of subconscious recognition during intimacy.'

'Huh?' That came from Hello Kitty.

'A kiss might bring back memories.'

Oh.

'Try it,' said the Doctor.

...Hang on a minute. Suddenly I was supposed to be kissing someone? Um. Okay?

So, Visor guy was not bad looking. I took a few awkward steps forward. Wondered when I last cleaned my teeth. Damn memory loss! And when I hesitated, he took a few steps towards me. We both leaned in, hovered, hands hanging at our side, neither of us quite willing to reach out to the other. A few awkward breaths, me tilting my head to try and avoid the visor... then changing my mind, tilting it the other way. A very brief bumping of noses. We almost...almost... but...

'No,' Visor said. 'Doesn't feel right. We can't be together.'

Mutton-chops rolled his eyes. 'You some kinda school kid, bub? That ain't how you do it.' He strode over to me, shoved Visor out the way, and in one smooth move one hand was in my hair, the other on my ass... not a time waster this one... and suddenly there was a whole lotta mouth pressed up against mine.

Oh man, it was a good kiss. Hot, passionate. Fire raced through me. No, wait... energy raced through me. I felt alive. I felt strong. I felt-

Mutton-chops pulled away. Staggered. He looked grey. 'Wow,' he croaked. Before his eyes rolled back in his head and he passed out.

Well, shit.

 

 

 

Okay, so I was stuck in a room full of strangers, and beginning to think that I might be the strangest of them all.

They were all staring at me. Well, me and the man slumped at my feet.

'Um... Oops?' I tried.

Hello Kitty recoiled and looked an even more sickly shade of grey. Even Sporty Spice looked shocked.

The only one who looked vaguely amused was Visor. 'Is he dead?' I swear there was a hopeful note in his voice.

The Doctor gave him a Look with a capital L. 'Pulse is strong,' she said kneeling down to check.

Oh God, what did I do? What did I do? Flashes of weird images were still filtering through my brain before they were absorbed into the great blankness, like I was catching a brief glimpse of files before they were deleted. A tank full of wires and liquid. Snow. The scent of cold pine.

I didn't get time to process it though. Within moments, Mutton-chops sat bolt upright, growled and jumped to his feet.

'What the fuck happened?' he snarled. An actual full on snarl. It was impressive. And scary as hell.

'Dude, it was her fault. I think she broke you.' Sunshine pointed to me.

Well, thanks. Remind me to kiss her next.

'Oh,' said Mutton-chops. He frowned. Thought for a moment. 'I ain't mad about that,' he said, slowly, as if it was a fact he was just discovering. 'So we're okay,' he added. 'Maybe it's because of what she's wearin'. I can appreciate the outline.'

Mutton-chops gave me an intense look. The dirty kind. If it was anyone else giving it, I'm sure I'd be offended, but for some reason I wasn't. In fact, instead I was going all warm and tingly. I gazed back. There was a moment. We were having it. And... yeah...

Visor rolled his eyes. 'Well, I think we can establish that those two have some history.'

'What about me?' said the Doctor. 'Who did I come in with?'

'How about him?' said Sunshine.

Who? We all gave her a collective puzzled look.

'Kid. In the grey door way? Over there?' She points.

Oh.

...Had he been there all along?

'Right,' said Mutton-chops. 'Kid in the doorway, you know who you are?'

It was the first time any of us had noticed him. He was dressed in jeans and an old hoodie that looked like it had seen better days.

The kid looked faintly terrified that he was being spoken too.

'Can you talk?' said the Doctor.

'Um,' said the kid.

'Do you know who you are?' the Doctor continued.

The kid's eyes got wider. He croaked out a quiet little, 'Yeah.' It was almost not there at all.

'Well that's a good start,' said Visor. 'Do you know who we are?'

The kid looked pained. 'No. Sorry. But I can tell you that you all came in together.'

'We did?' Mutton-chops looked at Visor in disgust.

The Doctor ignored him and continued talking to the kid. 'You were already here?'

'Yeah,' his voice croaked, bless him. 'For a few days now. There were people guarding me, but they just wandered off.'

'What's your name?'

'Jared.'

'Any idea what we're all doing here?'

The kid shook his head. 'You just opened the door and all fell to the floor. Started happening a lot around me, actually.'

'Okay,' said Visor guy. 'This is getting us nowhere. We need to think logically here. Anyone have ID on them. Or a phone?'

I looked down at my spandex. No room for anything that's not me in this suit.

'I ain't fallin' for that,' saids Mutton-chops suspiciously. 'Next you'll be askin' for our credit cards as well.'

'You think I'd want to mug you?'

'I think you'd want to try.'

'Yeah? Come over here and say that!'

Mutton-chops snarled, then he actually began pacing deliberately forwards. Part of me didn't want to look, but most of me couldn't take my eyes off the pair of them.

Mutton-chops cricked his neck. Visor rolled his hands into fists. I held my breath...

...And the door under the exit sign at the far end of the room swung open.

Needless to say, I was very disappointed... and relieved... and also slightly horny. Mixed up, much?

'Oh bravo, bravo.' The new guy, a tall, older looking man in a cape and metal helmet walked through the front door, chuckling to himself whilst performing a slow clap. 'This is possibly the most delightful thing I've seen in years.'

'Who are you?'

Metal Helmet guy stopped to consider that one for a moment. 'I am the only one sensible enough to come in here with my mind protected.'

'Huh?' said Hello Kitty. I would have mocked him again, but we were all thinking it.

'You see, this boy here,' he nodded towards Jared, 'has a particularly useful skill. Close proximity temporarily wipes memories and leaves the affected person very susceptible to suggestion.'

'Huh?' said Hello Kitty again.

Metal Helmet turned to address him directly. 'Do you know who you are boy?'

'Uh, no,' said Hello Kitty.

'Good. Now go and stand in that corner.'

'Oh,' said Hello Kitty. 'Okay.'

'Point proven,' said Metal Helmet smugly.

'Hang on a moment,' I said. 'What if he doesn't want to stand in the corner?' I was not sure I liked this new guy.

'Ahh Rogue,' said Metal Helmet.

'Rogue?'

'Yes my dear. That is who you are.'

'What kind of a name is Rogue?' Yeah, there was definitely something fishy about the whole thing.

'Dance.'

Oh. What a cool idea! Why didn't I think of that?

There was no music, so I hummed my own beat. I can't hold a tune, hell I can't really dance but it didn't stop me from looking awesome. I shimmied, I sambaed, I tripped over my own feet and ripped the seat of my spandex pants, but I could not have cared less. Dancing was fun!

Mutton-chops didn't look like he was enjoying it, however. 'I don't think I like you tellin' the girl what to do.'

'Oh she's fine. She's enjoying herself.'

I was, he was right.

Mutton-chops frowned. Visor frowned too. Even the Doctor frowned. They seemed to make a collective frown-communicated decision between them. They waited until Metal Helmet walked forward towards the boy, then they pounced. Mutton-chops and Visor held him down while the Doctor tried to restrain him. It didn't work particularly well as a coordinated attack, but it did knock the helmet off his head.

The fight went out of him instantly. He managed a faint 'oh dear,' before blacking out completely.

My urge to dance fizzled out. Hello Kitty peered out from his corner. We all looked at the stranger on the floor, rather than each other.

I blinked a few times. Someone coughed.

Somewhere, a galaxy formed.

'Are you sure that was the best thing to do?' said Sporty Spice eventually. 'Didn't anyone consider that he could have told us who we were?'

Um, well... no, actually. Which, in hindsight, was a bit stupid. Especially as he had already told me my name was Rogue. Although, honestly, he could have just made that up. I risked a glance up at Mutton-chops, who was staring studiously at his knuckles. Visor had found a very interesting crack in the wall. The Doctor had found something scribbled on a note pad she had stored in her pocket.

'What does it say?' I asked, hoping it would provide some insight.

She shrugged. 'Lemon, ice-cream, tampons, coffee.'

Oh. Not as revealing as I had hoped.

'So what do we do then?' This came from Sunshine.

Visor looked like he was about to pipe up with a suggestion, but we were spared by a groan from the Metal Helmet Man on the floor. Or the Non-Metal-Helmet-Man, I suppose. The Man-Formally-Known-As-Helmet-Man?

Whatever. I digress.

He sat blearily upright, blinked a few times, and said, 'Well isn't this odd. Anyone know who I am?'

Yeah. Sporty had been right. Really shouldn't have taken away our only source of knowledge.

Visor felt obliged to defend himself. 'He had an advantage over us! I simply bought him down to our level.'

'You did?' Interjected Mutton-chops. 'Seems I recall that me and Red here had a part to play in that too.'

'I feel really rather strange.' Helmet-Man continued, oblivious to the argument escalating around him.

'He was manipulating us!'

'Magnets? And why am I wearing a cape? Anyone?'

'He could have been dangerous!'

'Wait, I remember...YOU SHALL NOT PASS! No...that doesn't feel right...'

'Oh for heaven's sake,' said Visor, 'would someone shut him...

There was a noise from the other side of the room. Not a subtle noise, but a full-on ominous crash.

Visor's sentence trailed off into a squeak. Even Helmet-Man went quiet.

We all stopped what we were doing and looked. I felt my heart pound in my chest as slowly, unsteadily, something... blue and... furry... unfurled from behind the sofa.

We did the only rational thing given the circumstances. We screamed.

'What the fuck?!' Mutton-chops yelled.

'It's alive!' Visor grabbed hold of the Doctor and tried to hide behind her, using her as a human shield. Hello Kitty seemed to have turned into a giant icecube... weird, and I had my head buried against Mutton-chops' chest (so sue me).

The blue furry thing looked, if anything, rather puzzled at all the commotion. 'Who are you people?' When that got no sensible response, he tried a very reasonable, 'Why are you yelling?'

'Oh God it's talking! Why is it talking? Will someone please stop the talking!' Visor was not handling it well.

'What do you mean, why am I talking? Why wouldn't I be.. wait... I'm blue? How am I blue? Oh my stars.' His hands shook for a moment, before his eyes rolled up into his head and he passed out with a thud.

So, that went well. Not.

We all risked a glance at each other in the hope that someone would volunteer to do something, but no one, it seemed, was in the mood for heroics, and our eyes were inevitably drawn back to the man-shaped blue rug.

Eventually Mutton-chops was the first to speak. 'Is anyone going to go over there and poke it?'

'She should,' said Sunshine, pointing at me.

Huh. I didn't know who she was, but I decided I really didn't like her. I tried to sink into the wall. It didn't work, although I got the strangest feeling that it might have once.

'Now wait a minute...' Mutton-chops didn't sound too happy about that idea either.

'No,' said the Doctor, 'she has a point. 'Rogue' here was able to put someone twice her size out of action by just kissing them. She stands a better chance than the rest of us.'

'She ain't kissing no cookie monster,' snarled Mutton-chops.

'Here, wear this.' Visor handed me the helmet. I looked at it dubiously, but for want of a better idea, I did as he said.

I looked at the handful of expectant faces, all watching me with differing expressions, as I slid the helmet over my head.

And suddenly, painfully, like someone switched on a light by whacking the switch with a wrecking ball, I was me again. I was Rogue. I was a member of the X-men. I was... trying so fucking hard not to laugh! Oh hell. Oh shit! What a mess!

'What's wrong?' said Visor... no...Scott! 'She looks like she's having some kind of fit.'

Oh God, and that only made me laugh harder. I nearly peed myself.

'What's wrong with the helmet?' Logan snarled. 'What the fuck did you do to her?!'

'Hey, I did nothing,' Scott was looking far too cocky considering a whole lotta Logan was bearing down on him.

'Yeah, well. She was fine before you gave her that thing to wear.'

'Oh cut it out you overgrown-'

'Stop.' I said the word with, I'd like to think, a decent amount of conviction. And to my surprise, they did stop. Instantly, in fact.

...What was it Magneto said? Very susceptible to suggestion?

Interesting...

I shouldn't. I really shouldn't...

'Hey,' I said to Logan. 'Aren't you a bit hot in that shirt?'

But, I did.

Logan looked at me puzzled for a moment, then with dawning realisation. 'Yeah,' he said. 'I am.' Scott forgotten, he shrugged out of the tux, I was a bit sad about that to be honest, but I considered it worthwhile collateral damage. Then he unbuttoned his shirt and dropped it at his feet.

I felt that somewhere in the universe, balance was restored.

'Better?' I asked him, one eyebrow raised (yeah it's not just him that can pull off that cool expression y'know.)

He rolled his shoulders. 'Yeah. Better.'

'Why is he getting undressed?'

Oh trust Scott to ruin my moment.

'Shh!' That came from Jean. She gestured at Logan with slightly glassy looking eyes. 'Carry on.'

Hmmm. No way was Jean intruding on my moment either. 'Hey doc, I think Hank over there,' I made sure I pointed, 'needs mouth to mouth. You're the only one who can save him. Quick!'

Bless her, she didn't think twice. She was over there in a flash.

'In fact,' I added, 'she might need some help. All of you should go over there, although you,' I pointed to Bobby, 'can only walk there backwards dancing like a robot, and you,' I pointed at Magneto, 'believe you are a fluffy little rabbit. Hold on a minute, you and you,' I pointed to Logan and Scott. 'You're with me.'

Logan gave me a puzzled look, which to be fair I hardly noticed. Hello, shirtless? Scott's was harder to miss, however. He opened his mouth to argue, so I rolled my eyes and cut him off. 'We need an extraction team.' See, I wasn't completely corrupted by the opportunity of mind control. Okay I'm not exactly lining myself up for the Nobel Peace Prize, but surely that wins me some points? 'I'm going to call for backup. I need you to wait by the front entrance. Can you do that?'

Scott didn't hesitate. 'Of course.'

'And you love to shimmy. So much, that you can't resist doing it as you head outside.'

'Hell yeah!' Scott gave an experimental shoulder wiggle.

Teach him to set extra homework.

'Oh,' I called after him, trying to ignore Magneto as he bunny hopped in circles around the room, 'and take the boy with you. He looks like he could use some company.'

I watched the two of them disappear as I did my duty and phoned the Professor and was midway through explaining when I-

'What are you doin' darlin?'

And that sounded a whole lot like Logan. The actual Logan. Not the I-don't-remember-I-was-Logan....Logan.

Oh shit.

I glanced around at the others. They were still over by Hank, busily trying to resuscitate him. I could hear Scott belting out some Shakira, which made me wince slightly. Must be a proximity thing, I realised belatedly. They were still close enough to the boy. Logan, however...

Maybe I just imagined it.

'Um... come here?' I tried.

He gave me a look.

Damn.

'It's worn off, hasn't it.' I said.

He smirked. 'Want me to pretend it hasn't?'

Okay, for an evening that sucked, that part was great. Of course, it was also the part when I remembered I was wearing ripped spandex and a clunky helmet. That, and everyone else left in the room, including Hank who was once again sitting up looking puzzled, was now watching us intently.

I really hate an audience.

'I just...' I began.

Then Magneto started humping the corner of the sofa, and that totally killed the mood.

I sighed. 'Um, I'm gonna so regret this later, but I don't really think this is the place.'

Logan followed my gaze. 'I see your point. Uh, any particular reason for...' he gestured towards Magneto.

'Badly thought out revenge.'

'Fair enough.'

So instead of fulfilling my mind-control dreams of making out, we sat down and waited in awkward silence, watching Bobby's cringe worthy dance moves, while Magneto sporadically nibbled on the furniture, and Scott revealed he knew all the lyrics to 'Hips don't lie'.

Logan even got dressed again.

Suckage number whatever. I was so done.

 

 

Plane ride home was fun. Can we say awkward? Needless to say, none of them were very pleased with me when backup arrived, Jared's mutation was isolated, and they all got their memories back. Well, apart from Jubes, who laughed so hard she hiccuped sparks for a full half hour. Then spent the rest of the journey shimmying behind Scott's back every time she thought he wouldn't notice. It didn't improve his mood.

Now I'm stuck in my room, staring at the ceiling, wondering how I'll ever face any of them again.

I'd like to say I've learnt a valuable lesson, and that I wouldn't do it again, but that would probably be a big fat lie. I'd try running away, but, hell, when has that ever worked out well for me. Last thing I want to do is make things-

'Kid?' A knock comes at my door. More of a pound really. Logan never was known for his subtlety. 'You ever coming out of there again?'

I roll over on to my front and muffle a reply into my pillow.

'You'll have to face the world sooner or later,' he calls through the door.

Later sounds good. I try to ignore him. Hope that he will go away.

'What if I take my shirt off? You can leer at me a bit more.'

'Oh get lost!'

He doesn't. He lets himself in. 'Now that just ain't nice.' He's smirking as he says it, the bastard.

I sit up, huff my bangs out of my face. 'Why are you here, Logan. Do you want an apology? I already said I was sorry.' I did, as well. Right after we got off the plane. Just before I flushed bright red and ran like hell in the other direction.

'Thought we could talk,' was all he said.

At that I peer upwards, suspicious. '...Talk?'

'Yep. I thought we could start off with me sayin 'I ain't mad about yesterday, kid.' Then you could reply 'Oh that's okay, Logan, by the way, you looked mighty fine without your shirt on.' His impression of my voice and accent is terrible. 'Then we could just skip the rest, get naked, and the really dirty stuff could start.'

Wait... what?

My ears ring a little. I get that startled deer-in-headlights look as my brain struggles to process whether I actually heard what I thought I heard? 'I... um... you...did...huh?'

Oh great. Potentially pivotal moment in my life and I've been reduced to the linguistic skills of a spoon.

I try again. 'I mean... um... I … you... don't...' I close my eyes, take a big breath, and attempt to get at least one relevant word out. 'Really?'

Logan gives me a look. 'No. Not really.' He grabs my hand, hauls me to my feet. 'I'm gonna drag you outta this room to get some food. But if you're good, I might just let you have another attempt at kissin' me. You know you ain't supposed to knock the other person out, right? You could do with the practice.'

The bastard. The complete and utter bastard.

He's grinning though, and I can't help it, a reluctant smile sneaks past my guard. 'Is that a promise?'

He raises an eyebrow. 'Throw in the spandex darlin', and you got yourself a deal.'