I can’t touch. I don’t really exist in this world. It passes me by. Because I cannot experience it, cannot feel it, cannot share in the simple joy of holding hands. Touch is a big sense to be missing out on. Sure I can feel things through my gloves. But it’s not the same. Cold doesn’t hit me as cold, smooth doesn’t feel so soft. Subtle variations cannot be discerned through leather or silk or cotton.

The first time I kissed a boy, he ended up in a coma. What clearer sign do I need that I’m not meant to be a part of this world? Professor Xavier and his little X-Men can pretend to be concerned but they can’t understand. So I’m leaving. He’s a telepath for God’s sake, I doubt I have to leave a note. I’m sure he’s listening right now. How can someone feel this much despair and not project it?

But there’s a sense of resolve now. I know what I’m going to do. I need to leave. This falseness, this pretending, I can’t go on with it. No one really wants to get close. They avoid me in the hallway, as if I can kill them by simple proximity. So I’m leaving. I want to be alone in my head but with others outside my body. But it’s the other way around. I hate it. I can’t get a moment’s peace and I can’t get a moment’s comfort.

_________________

I threw everything I had into my duffle. It barely filled the damn bag. It was just clothes. Barriers to keep people safe. Separate. No personal things, pictures, notes, keepsakes. Just clothes.

I headed down to the garage, wondering what mode of transportation to take. I figured I’d just borrow something and turn on the locator when I was finished with it. None of the cars the Professor owns fit my needs. I wanted something beat up. Like me. A nice pick-up. I could throw some gear in the back, travel from city to city. Maybe make my way to Alaska. If I make it that far. I finally picked out the least expensive looking car and found the matching keys on the rack. Suddenly the door squeaked and I jumped, whirling to face the noise.

Logan.

Damn his hearing, his smell, his heightened senses.

“Where you think you’re going, kid?”

“Away,” I mumbled.

“Why?”

I wished “’cause” was an appropriate answer but he was giving me a look like it wouldn’t be enough. “Going to Alaska,” I replied, sidestepping his question.

“To get yourself pinched again?”

“The Brotherhood hasn’t been heard from in months,” I flared at him. “Their machine didn’t work; they’re no longer interested.”

“Want some company?”

What the hell! Of course I wanted company. But I can’t have it. I’d resigned myself to it. Sorrow blossomed around me but I pushed it down.

“Why would you want to come with me?”

“The Wolverine needs his freedom. Haven’t had a decent fight in months. It’ll be good to be on the road again.”

“But why me?”

“Listen, kid, I promised to protect you. I’m coming with. If I manage to get some good cage fights in, make some money – that’s a bonus.”

Part of me ached for company. But, as he is so fond of reminding me, I was just a “kid.” I couldn’t possibly be fit company for Logan. Not caring that I couldn’t figure out why he wanted to come, I agreed. “Get in the car. But I’m driving,” I replied with a brave smile – braver than I felt.

______________________

What am I going to do?, I thought to myself. Logan can’t come with me. It’s too dangerous. We’ll have another accident. Or he’ll get bored and leave. That will hurt more.

We’d been driving for an hour in silence when Logan suddenly spoke.

“So what route do you have planned?”

“First, I want my own car so we’ll stick to New York for the time being. Need to get enough money. Then I can send you back with the Professor’s car.”

Logan snorted, “Fat chance, kid.”

I rolled my eyes, “It was worth a try.”

“And then where?”

“Across Canada and to Alaska, of course.”

“How do you plan on getting the money?”

“I’m going to whore myself, obviously.”

Logan’s face remained impassive.

“God, it was just a joke. You could pretend you were fooled for a second,” I sighed. “I absorbed a pool shark once and figured I could turn up the Southern charm and con money from evil, unsuspecting men.”

“How will you know which ones are evil?”

“I’m sure the Wolverine will give a growl to let me know who’s a good target,” I replied with a sweet smile.

“I thought you’d planned on running off alone and now you’re already incorporating me into your plans?” Logan looked at me curiously.

“Well... I... um...” I stalled for time as I tried to figure out where I got the idea from. “I’m just taking advantage of a situation.” There. A tactical answer. That should satisfy him.

“What would your plan have been if I hadn’t showed up?”

“Same basic plan. Hustle pool. I’ve been on the road before. I know how to read people.”

Logan cracked a smile, “Let’s test these skills you say you have.”

“I can’t hustle you,” I complained. “I know you.”

“Just pull over at the next bar on the road so I can see what you can do or else I’m taking your ass right back to the mansion.”

“God, Logan, I would have been fine. You should have just stayed in bed. “

“Who says I was in bed?” Logan growled and I instantly knew he must have been awake after a nightmare. Those horrid nightmares we share.

I looked over and saw the pained look in his eyes as he remembered. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Not your fault, kid,” was his gruff reply.

I hesitated and then put forth a compromise, “Why don’t we find somewhere to stay and we’ll do the whole hustling thing tonight. I’m not much in the mood to be charming.”

Logan sighs, shaking the memories from behind his eyes. “Yeah, okay.”

______________________

We got two rooms at a rather seedy looking motel, but it was almost sunrise and I just wanted to sleep. I paid for my room; he paid for his. I wondered how he knew to bring enough cash with him? He didn’t run to go get ready or anything - just hopped into the car with me. I wondered how much he knew about my intentions?

I curtly said good night to Logan before tiredly slouching into my room. I locked the door behind me and sank against it.

Alone.

I slowly pulled the finger of each glove, loosening it up. I pulled each glove off with a flourish. Freedom.

Freedom is being alone. Not needing to worry about others.

Each piece of clothing that fell away increased the feeling of freedom. In just my underwear, I stretched my arms out, wiggling my fingers, free of all the protective layers. I headed for the shower.

I locked the bathroom door behind me. Can never be too safe.

I squirted out the shampoo, giggling a little at the noise it made as it plopped out. Vigorously rubbing it between my palms, I created a sudsy lather and massaged it into my scalp. Aaaahhh. So good.

I worked my way from my scalp to the tips of my hair. I looked around, checking for any mysterious on-lookers who were secretly hiding behind the mirror. Don’t judge me, I know they’re there. I got some more shampoo and completely coated my hair with it, styling it into silly ‘dos. First I put it up into an elegant twist, then Princess Leia buns, and finally into an approximation of Logan’s wild hair. I laughed quietly to myself, enjoying this moment of fun in private, forgetting about everything else. I closed my eyes, leaning back, rinsing the shampoo and silliness out of my hair.

I reached for the soap to begin the next stage of my shower. As I soaped up my arms, I reflected upon my white skin. So white because it was constantly hidden. Why was I cursed this way? In a split second I had gone from a silly girl playing with her hair to an angry crying mess. I slammed my fists against the tiled wall, tears mingling with water as I stood sobbing under the spray.

The sobs subsided and I quickly stepped out of the shower, rushing to get dressed so I could huddle in the bed. Curling up under the scratchy motel sheets, I stared off into space, tears slowly meandering down my cheeks. The slow cry took me over.

God, it’s pathetic. Too many different types of tears for one girl. The breath-draining sobs where I painfully gasped for air, the single tear that leaked when I tried to hold it in, the tears that welled up but stayed in my eyes as long as I didn’t blink, the silent tears, the slow tears that grew cold soon after falling, and so many more.

Tonight, it was the slow tears that grew cold on my cheeks as I tried to push away the overwhelming sadness. I got so tired of fighting, sometimes. It would be nice, just once, to have someone care enough to help me. I was so tired of being my last line of defense against myself. If I could fight, damn it, why couldn’t someone fight with me?

With such desperate thoughts and wracking sobs, I drifted off.

I opened my eyes to the familiar sight of the labyrinth of my mind. With each new absorption, I had to throw up hasty walls to maintain my sense of self. The walls are haphazard - not neat little boxes. Erik’s wall is massive white plastic. It zigs and zags as I throw up new walls when he finds cracks in the old ones. The Wolverine is behind a wall of adamantium, the only thing that could withstand the force of his fury at being caged.

The humans I have absorbed only require simple concrete walls. I’ve never touched one for longer than a fleeting second. They’ve been accidents on the road. I wander through the maze, patching here and there, strengthening them where they seem weak. Each human’s wall also has a door. My mind is strong and I can easily look in on them, trapped in my mind. They’re only shadows so they don’t mind when I come by to pick up something from their memories, borrow their skills. But you can’t be too careful. The doors are always reinforced and locked tight when I leave.

At the center of the maze, the prize of my mind, is Marie. The innocent Marie who loved to laugh. Who danced in the sunshine. As I lived on the road, I pushed Marie to the center of the maze, keeping her hidden from the world. I am Rogue.

But Logan promised to protect Marie. I let her out that day we met, driving in his camper. When I’m with Logan, Marie and I share more equal time. We talk about what has happened. Marie is relaxed now that we’ve left and we’re on our journey to Alaska. She plays with the flowers in the garden we created in the center of the maze. They flare with violent, vivid life then quickly fade to dust. She - we - love flowers. We aren’t completely distinct. We share things, our edges are blurred. Even though I’m pretty sure I know how she feels, I confer with her about Logan’s presence. She wants him close and I’m never one to deny her. So if he offers to stay around after we get a new car, I’ll let him. For Marie.

___________________

After I finished the nightly ritual of cleaning up my mind, I drifted into a deeper slumber. I had hoped tonight would be a night of dreamless sleep. It would be too much to hope for good dreams so I hoped for no dreams. But I have never been lucky.

___________________

The first thing I’m aware of is cold metal. Handcuffs. Chained to something. It’s dark.

“Help! Please help me! Somebody help me!!” I scream. I beg.

I pull at the chains, trying to get loose. I tremble, tears streaming down my cheeks. What’s happening? Why won’t anyone help me?

“Please,” I whisper to the darkness. No one will come for me.

I hear a noise and look up to see Magneto.

“I’m sorry, my dear,” he says, voice quiet.

“Don’t do this,” I plead.

He places his hands on my face and I feel my mutation pull him, sucking him in. I’m flooded with his emotions, his intentions, his raw power. It’s too much. Where am I? Who am I?

“Marie, run!” Rogue screams, trying to hold back Magneto from taking over our mind. I run, trying to find a corner of our mind he won’t get to. I’ve got to hold on. This is my body, damn it, mine!

After a lifetime of agony, Magneto finally lets go. He controls my body now. My hands lock onto the machine, spinning the rings around me.

“This is right, my child. I will not have what happened to my people happen to mutants. You are an acceptable sacrifice,” Magneto patiently explains, as if my life is nothing in the face so many.

“NO!!” Rogue screams at him. But she gets pushed back by his hatred, his complete and unwavering belief that this is right. Rogue runs to me and we cower in the corner, just trying to hold on.

Screams are pulled from our throat, body torn between Magneto’s calm acceptance and our violent protests. But we’re losing. Rogue shields me. She calmly looks me in the eye, “No one is coming, Marie. We’re going to die.” There’s nothing I can do but agree with her. She’s always brutally honest. Death will be a welcome relief from this pain of being torn apart. We’re going to die without any control of our mind or body. We’re going to die. The least we can do is face it with dignity. We stand up, supporting each other, and face death.

Quiet.

Numbness.

Darkness.

Suddenly we feel our mutation pull again. “Aren’t we dead?.... Weren’t we dead?!” I ask, panic in my voice. “Do we have to take in even more pain? I thought death was the end!!” I’m near hysterical. Just when we thought the pain was over, our mind is flooded again. There’s violence, and fury, and a riot of smells and sounds; it’s overwhelming. But underneath... Rogue feels it first. Healing. Which can only mean one thing: Logan.

We open our eyes to Logan’s drained face, pushing him away. Oh God, he’s covered with oozing slashes, there’s blood everywhere. He’s dying! Not Logan!

BANG BANG BANG

I sat up in bed, screams still fading from my lips.

BANG BANG BANG

“I’m coming!” I hollered. “Give a girl a moment to recover from a nightmare, will you?” I mumbled to myself.

I flung off the sheets, quickly covered up my skin, and stomped to the door.

"What!" I practically growled. Suddenly I realized it was Logan. "Sorry," I said sheepishly.

"You okay, kid? I was just coming back from getting some chow when I heard you."

"You heard me?" I cringed.

"'Course I did. What happened?" he asked gruffly.

"Nightmare," I mumbled to my feet.

He used my hair as a shield and slid a finger under my chin, lifting my head up to look me in the eyes. His eyes were dark.

"Was it one of mine?" he quietly asked.

I turned away, “No, but... you were there.”

Understanding dawned in his eyes. “Liberty Island?” he asked.

“Look, I just, can we just forget about it? Where’s this food you advertised?” I asked, firmly dropping the subject.

Logan handed over some burgers. “It’s lunch time, you know.”

“Yeah yeah,” I muttered. I grabbed the bag and stepped back to let Logan inside. I plopped down on the bed and devoured the food.

Logan quirked an eyebrow, “Good?”

I made a face at him and continued eating without regard for manners.

“So we gonna head out soon?” he asked, relaxing in the chair.

“Yeah, just let me clean up,” I replied.

___________________

We were on the road, heading toward Niagara Falls. A thrill of excitement ran down my spine. I was finally doing what I had planned to do. My last attempt hadn’t turned out so well but this time, I was better prepared. I would get my own car so I wouldn’t have to hitchhike. I had access to memories and skills to get me through the journey. And maybe, just maybe, I would have company this time.

“When do you want to ditch the car?” Logan asked, startling me out of my optimistic ramble.

“Well I need some money, first. I figured I’d start at Niagara Falls -- I could turn the charm on some tourists. But any cars being sold there would probably have inflated prices so we can stop once we get over the border a bit.” I explained, sneaking a glance at him out of the corner of my eye. I felt like I needed his approval. He was the experienced one.

He grunted, which I took for some degree of approval. Or, at least, not outright objection.

_____________________

We arrived at the Falls in the late afternoon. They were.... huge. The size was overwhelming. The sheer amount of water that must thunder over the edge was staggering. There was mist constantly hanging in the air, creating permanent rainbows. It was breathtaking.

“Kid,” Logan said as he shook my shoulder.

“Hmm?” I distractedly turned to face him.

“Why don’t we get closer?” He grinned at me. I felt my face match his.

Logan bought tickets for a closer boat ride. We boarded the tour boat and it drove us closer. I leaned back to get a better view. I wanted to be able to see the very top, to see where the water comes stampeding over the edge. I was so awe-struck I didn’t realize I was accidentally leaning right into someone. I quickly turned around to apologize. Was I completely covered?! Oh no, please let it be okay. I never lost awareness like that.

Thankfully, it was just Logan. I already had him in my head.

"It's okay, kid, you can lean on me," he said as he put a hand on my shoulder, gently pulling me back against him. I settled into him. I felt his strong muscles pressed against my back. It felt so nice to be close to someone.

I got so lost in the feel of him pressed against me that I almost forgot about where I was. The spray of the falls as we got closer shook me out of my tactile fun. We ended up completely wet under the constant spray but it was worth it. The falls were so majestic, so beautiful.

At last the boat arrived back to shore and Logan finally managed to tear me away to go fill my rumbling stomach.

Logan picked a suitable bar for both eating and conning and we sat down.

The waitress approached, asking, “What’ll it be?”

“Chicken tenders,” was my order.

“Steak. Rare. Bloody rare,” was Logan’s. He emphasized the “rare” part with a wolfish grin.

After the waitress scurried away to place our orders, I turned to face Logan.

“Why did you let me forget myself and lean against you without thinking? Why did you even buy us tickets for a boat ride?”

Logan hesitated. “It’s something you’ve always wanted to do. You gotta save up money to buy a car. Besides, you can pay me back after you relieve some people of their hard-earned money,” he finally replied as he quirked a smile at me.

“But I could have hurt you! You have to be more careful,” I exclaimed. I suddenly realized what I just said, “I mean, I have to be more careful. I can’t expect others to pay attention as well.”

“Hey, don’t talk like that. I ain’t scared of you and I don’t mind being careful if it helps you feel safer,” Logan reassured me. He reached out and placed his hand on my gloved one to emphasize his point.

The waitress returned with our orders.

“Now eat,” Logan encouraged, “Then we’ll go find a pool table and some gullible tourists.” He winked.

Chapter the Third

We strode over to the pool table, watching a game in progress.

“Oh, look, pool! I’ve always wanted to learn how to play,” I exclaimed playfully.

The two gentlemen - clearly tourists - looked up from their game and eyed me.

"Can I play the next game?" I asked innocently.

One guy leered, "You can play the winner."

________________________

Logan was growling as we left the bar, practically decimating his cigar.

"What's the matter, Logan?" I asked. If he was growling then trouble must be coming.

"Did you have to be so charming? With the "sugah" and battin' your eyelashes, they were practically eating out of your hand."

"Isn't that the point, though?" I asked, confused.

Logan growled again and I saw just a flash of adamantium as his claws almost came out before he pulled them back in.

"Logan, what's wrong?" I was really worried now.

He visibly calmed himself, rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck. He took a few deep breaths. What was going on? Obviously there was something wrong but Logan was not going to talk about it.

“We’re getting back on the road,” Logan asserted.

“Oh,” I replied hesitantly, “do you think that, maybe, we could stay the night here? I want to see the sun rise over the falls.”

“Hey, it’s your trip, you’re in charge,” Logan said.

“We stay the night,” I said, as if there had been no hesitation moments before.

“Yes, ma’am,” Logan saluted.

“You keep that up, mister, and you’ll be sleeping in the car,” I told him.

“I’m quaking in my boots, kid," he smiled. "May I make one suggestion?”

“What?” I asked warily.

“We move to the Canadian side. You can see the sunrise from there.”

“Are you sure that’s not your Canadian pride coming out?” I teased.

“Listen, kid, I’ve been around for a while, I know the good spots,” he teased right back.

“I guess I will bow to your far greater experience in this matter,” I said gravely.

Logan just growled softly at me as we got into the car and crossed the border.

_____________________

The next morning we got up early to get a good spot to see the sun rise over the falls.

It was beautiful. The sun peeked over the edge of the falls and it was like a fire had been set, blazing across the water, rippling and roiling. Reds and oranges boiled over the edge of the cliff. The mist rose from the base like the smoke of the shimmering fire.

I stood there and tried to capture the feeling of that moment. The mist everywhere, making me feel damp, the brightness of the sun, the flare of vivid color, the smoldering flames of the water. The heat of Logan next to me as we watched. The serenity of the moment. I locked away every impression into a box and stored it in my mind. This was a unique memory; it was mine. If I got lost in the maze, I could hold on to this piece of time and remember who I was. I could remember.

After the memory was safely locked away, I turned to Logan, “Ready for the next leg of the trip?”

He just grunted at me. He was not happy about being up this early but he did it anyway. For me, he had said. That was another feeling I held on to. I figured the least I could do in return was feed him before we set out.

________________

After breakfast we headed north, past Toronto and on to the Trans-Canadian Highway. After about three hours we were getting close to Sudbury.

“I was looking at the map and there’s not much after this as we drive around the Great Lakes. I think we should stop for supplies,” I suggested.

“Sounds good,” Logan agreed.

We pulled up to a mall and went shopping. Never in my wildest dreams would I think I would be shopping with Logan. The idea made me giggle.

“What’s so funny?” Logan looked at me, curious.

“I never thought I’d be shopping with the big bad Wolverine,” I teased.

“It’s not like we’re shopping for pink frilly things and rainbows,” Logan protested. “Camping gear, that’s manly shopping.”

“Whatever you say, softie.” I bumped my well-covered hip against his.

“Let’s just get this over with,” he sighed.

We got a tent, sleeping bags, lanterns, a stove, and various emergency supplies. Logan took the lead on picking out what we needed and I wasn’t about to argue. I had no clue what was required for camping. I always thought I would just sleep in the car but camping with Logan appealed to me. He would protect me in the wild. I liked that, being protected by Logan.

We were checking out with our new supplies when Logan moved to pay.

“Logan, what’re you doing?”

“What’s it look like? I’m paying.”

“You can’t pay. You’re going to go back to the mansion and I’ll be using these supplies. I need to pay for them,” I objected. He was going to leave me eventually. I had to keep that constantly in mind. I couldn’t afford to believe that he would stay.

“We’ll be using them and I don’t plan on leaving. Get that through your head, Marie.”

You do not argue with that tone of voice. So I didn’t.

Almost.

“At least let me pay for half.”

“Fine. But I pay for half of the car, too.”

Damn it, he was not going to give this up. I would have to pay him back as we traveled. I wasn’t going to be in debt to him. It would be a loose end. But we couldn’t keep arguing in line. So, I agreed, “Deal.”

We finished with the camping supplies and went to buy proper winter clothes. I was used to layering clothes but Logan told me it was going to get very cold as we went north and I’d need more suitable things. Logan got warm clothes, too. I wondered if having metal on his bones made him more susceptible to the cold or if having a healing factor cancelled that out. Just another thing I don’t understand about Logan.

After clothes we got food. Eggs, bacon, bread, sandwich fixings, all various manner of food went into the cooler. And snack foods. Lots of snack food. It’s my own money, I can buy whatever I want.

Finally, all that was left was the car.

There were multiple used car dealerships and we hunted around for something within my price range. Well, our price range. Having Logan pay for half really helped out. I decided if there were a chance we would have to sleep in the car, it would be better to have an SUV instead of a pick-up truck. Wait, when did I think of Logan and me as “we?” He can sleep wherever he damn well pleases.

We picked out the SUV and even got it cheaper than the asking price, thanks to a few well-placed growls courtesy of the Wolverine.

Logan drove the new -- new to me, at least -- car while I trailed behind in the Professor’s car. When he found a suitable spot, Logan pulled over into the forest and I followed.

I parked the Professor’s car at the edge of the forest and activated the homing beacon. I locked the doors, tossed the keys on the seat, and slammed the door shut before covering the car with branches. We drove away.

“Kid, I need a cage fight tonight. The forest is no place to make money,” Logan reminded me.

“I’ll try to find a pool game. Our spending spree left me pretty dry. Just point me in the direction of a good bar once night falls,” I acquiesced.

_______________

Logan and I each counted our winnings as we sat in the car.

“What’s the plan for sleeping?” Logan inquired.

“Camping,” I grinned.

“Then we better get going. It’s getting pretty dark,” Logan observed.

We finally arrived at Lake Superior Provincial Park later that night. Logan used his enhanced vision to set up the tent in the dark. I rolled out the sleeping bags inside and bundled up in warm clothes. We both settled into our sleeping bags.

“Good night,” I said softly. I was so nervous. Being next to someone could result in an accident. It’s not safe.

“Night, kid,” Logan grunted as he settled down for sleep.

I stared at the ceiling of the tent. Someone was this close to me and they had fallen asleep. Logan didn’t care about my skin. I could roll over and accidentally touch him and drain him of his life in our sleep but there he was, sleeping peacefully.

Panic spread like fire through me. What was I thinking? I can’t do this. I can’t forget what I am. I should be sleeping in the car. I started to get up but Logan stirred and turned toward me.

“Where you going?”

“Bathroom.”

“Liar.”

I sighed, “Fine, I’m going to sleep in the car.”

He seemed to wake up a bit more. “No, you’re not.”

“This sleeping arrangement is too dangerous. I need to go.”

“What you need is sleep so shut up and sleep.”

I knew I wasn’t going to get out of this tent. So, I tried to remain calm. Try to think of something else. Don’t think about the accident that could happen. Try to trust. I closed my eyes. I should try to think of something else. Maybe that would help me relax. My heart was still beating like I had just gone for a run. I focused on trying to slow that down. Slow down. It didn’t listen.

What should I do? Should I remain vigilant all night? I tossed and turned, a physical manifestation of my uncertainty. Why couldn’t I be normal? Then I wouldn’t be having this problem in the first place. I felt tears start to form. This is ridiculous. Why do I cry every time I’m reminded of my failures? It should be old by now. But the pain was fresh each time. The crushing weight of ever-present fear. My eyes filled, the tears wobbling but not falling. I wouldn’t let them fall. Please don’t let them fall. In the midst of this pain, at least let me hold on to the dignity of not crying in front of the Wolverine.

I continued to fret and worry before sleep eventually overtook me. My tears never fell.

Chapter the Fourth

I woke up the next morning, curled up close against Logan. I must have rolled closer for warmth. I started to panic and roll away. But when I tried to move away, he growled in his sleep and pulled me closer. Oh God, he was too close. My breath was ragged, my heart was racing. What was I going to do? I slowly calmed myself. Deep breaths. His arm is in a flannel shirt and on top of my sleeping bag. I can't hurt him. I can’t hurt him.

Eventually I drifted back to sleep.

________________

I woke again, this time alone. I wiggled out of my sleeping bag, shivering, and changed clothes. After brushing my hair and making sure I was covered everywhere, I opened the tent flap. Logan was nowhere in sight. I felt a tiny tug at my heart. Why did that happen? It's safer that he's away. I quickly brushed my teeth before setting off for the shore of the lake.

I stepped on the shore, looking out over its vast expanse. Even though it was freezing cold, I bent down and stripped off my shoes and socks. I wiggled my toes in the sand and let the water lap against me. I squealed and leapt back. It was so sharp, the biting cold, the gravelly sand under the soles of my feet. I sat down and watched the sun rise, my feet splashing quietly in the icy water. I shifted higher up the shore to let my feet dry as I watched the sun come over the tops of the trees behind me and blaze out onto the lake. I leaned back and rested against the ground, feeling connected to the world around me. The tranquility of nature.

I felt rocks under my head as I shifted around to get a better position. I gazed up at the sky, the darkness in the west being chased away by the brightness from the east. There is so much darkness in my mind. But the sun never rises for me.

I closed my eyes, drifting into my mind. I sat there, looking at all the walls containing so many people. I pushed against the walls, trying to make them take up less space. I wanted my mind for myself. It crowded my thoughts, having so many others taking up room. But the walls didn’t budge. I pounded my fists against them before I came back to my senses. What an idiot, taking out my anger on the very walls that kept me grasping sanity. Am I even sane? Sometimes I doubt it. Sane people are normal. Normal people can touch. Normal people.

I sighed and opened my eyes, expelling my breath into the air, watching it dissipate. I sat up, pulling on my socks and shoes before standing up and brushing off all the dirt. The sun was much higher in the sky by now. I walked back to the campsite, where Logan was sitting by the camp fire.

“Hey, kid,” Logan greeted me.

“Hey,” I wearily replied. It was still morning and I already felt worn out. “Making breakfast?” I grinned, the idea of teasing Logan momentarily pushing my weariness away.

“Just some eggs and bacon,” he stated.

He seemed rather grumpy. Better hold off on the teasing. “How did you sleep last night?”

His expression brightened, “No nightmares.”

"Me neither." We smiled at each other. He waved me closer as the bacon sizzled.

"It's almost done," he said as I sat down beside him. The warmth coming from him next to me nearly rivaled that coming from the fire. I inched closer to him. For warmth.

Logan pulled the food off the fire and served us breakfast. I smiled gratefully and dug in. It was surprisingly good.

“This is good,” I managed between bites.

"Why're you surprised?"

"I'm not surprised," I protested.

"Don't play dumb, I can smell it and you know it."

"I just can't imagine you in a kitchen. Or sitting still long enough to learn how to cook.”

"I did more than just sleep in my camper, kid. Cooking for yourself is cheaper than eating out all the time. We should do that, too."

"I guess so."

"Since I cooked, you clean," he grinned. But before I could protest, he said, "I'll be taking down the tent." At least he wasn't going to just sit there.

______________

We had seven hours to Thunder Bay, mostly driving right along the lakeshore. I found my glance wandering from the road to look at the scenery. I wanted to remember. To experience it all before...

"Kid, you want me to drive? All the swerving around is pissing me off."

I blushed, not realizing he had noticed how many times I had strayed from our lane.

"Yeah, I guess so." I pulled over onto the side of the road and we switched places.

I gazed out at the trees and the lake as we drove along. So pretty and pristine. Towering trees, probably hundreds of years old standing guard around the massive lake. The water was quiet, reflecting the sky, the trees, the clouds.

Now that we had been in the car for a while, I began to get hot.

"Do you mind if I turn the heater down? It's getting hot in here."

"Or you could just take off some layers."

"But my skin -- I don't want an accident to happen. There's already enough of you in my head, I don't need more," I attempted to grin at him.

He had a strange look in his eyes. "Marie, why don't you take off some layers?"

I hesitated. "I don't want to cause any pain."

"How about this? Just take off your scarf. An exposed neck won't hurt anything." His eyes flickered with something I couldn't name. He was probably remembering the pain of when I drained him last time.

"I... uh... ," I continued to stall. I was scared. What if I forgot myself? What if there was a car accident? What if...

“Come on, darlin’,” he coaxed.

Something in me flickered at his plea and I grew stronger. I could do this. I slowly reached up and unwound my scarf from my neck. Deep breaths. It’s okay.

“See? The world didn’t end,” he gently teased.

I attempted a chuckle but couldn’t quite pull it off. I was still too busy trying to remain calm. I felt so exposed.

“It’s okay, kid,” Logan reached out to touch my hand but I flinched away. “Damn it, Marie, I’m not scared of you.”

“Well you should be,” I spat out, “I’m dangerous. Toxic. Warning, do not touch! I’ve already sucked you in twice, I don’t want to do it again.”

“I healed,” Logan reminded me.

“I don’t care, I still caused you pain. What if I can’t pull away? It’s too dangerous.” I wrapped my scarf around my neck again.

Logan growled at my actions but I didn’t care. It’s for his own protection.

_________________

After several hours of driving in silence, snacking on junk food, and taking pit stops, we arrived in Thunder Bay. It was a little early for cage fighting so we stopped at a bar and ate dinner.

“How’s your money doing?” Logan inquired.

“It’s pretty low,” I admitted. “I’ll have to make some tonight. Especially if we get a hotel.”

“Why don’t we get one room with two beds? It’ll save us money,” Logan suggested.

I thought about it. After last night, I knew Logan trusted me enough to not kill him in his sleep. It would save money. I could stay safe in my own bed. He could stay safe in his.

“Okay,” I somewhat reluctantly agreed. “But if we have an accident or something, it’s separate rooms right away, understand?” I felt a little silly ordering around the Wolverine but I was not going to be the cause of more pain. I was not going to hurt more people. Never again.

Logan glared at me, bristling at being told what to do, but after a moment, agreed.

____________________

I had won a substantial amount of money from some rough-looking men who were too drunk to stop making outrageous bets against me. Now it was Logan’s turn to earn some money. Or rather, the Wolverine’s.

He was in the cage, facing a taller man. The two circled, sizing each other up. The floor of the cage was already splattered with previous contenders’ blood. All had fallen before the fury of the Wolverine. This one would be no different.

I watched them. Well, I watched the Wolverine. He seemed to be made of muscles. I knew there was adamantium on his bones but his muscles were like liquid metal, flexing and twisting beneath his glistening skin. Sure, he let them hit him so it wasn’t too obvious, but he took the blows with the perfect amount of pain in his face. He knew how to get himself hit in places that bled profusely so that the blood covered up his healing. He had split the other man’s lip so that blood covered his healing knuckles.

I admired him as the dim light danced across his muscles, creating mountains and valleys of shadows. What would it be like to touch explore that terrain? But I couldn’t let myself ponder. I would never get the chance.

I shook myself from my musings as the Wolverine delivered the final blow, knocking his opponent to the ground. The man didn’t stir. The crowd roared as Logan exited the cage, making his way over to me. I could see the Wolverine flickering in his eyes before Logan reasserted himself.

“Enjoy the show?” he asked.

“Very convincing,” I assured him with mock gravity. “I give it three stars.”

“Three?” He pretended to be offended. “And what, if you don’t mind me asking, was lacking?”

“You dispatched the last two rather quickly. You didn’t fully develop the fight as much as you could have.”

He grinned and ruffled my hair. I managed to only flinch a little. “I’m going to wash up.”

“I’ll be right here.”

As Logan, bloodied and disheveled, made his way to the bathroom, another man approached me.

“What’s a pretty little thing like you doing in a place like this?”

He got no points for creativity so I didn’t deign to answer him. Hopefully another, looser woman would come by and grab his interest.

“I asked you a question, little thing.”

Damn, this one was going to be insistent. I turned to deny him when suddenly, there was someone behind him.

“There a problem here, darlin’?” Logan asked me over the man’s shoulder.

“Not at all, I was just engaging in dull conversation,” I answered him. The man wasn’t quite drunk enough to miss my meaning.

“Hey now, me and the little girly were just having a chat. No need to get your panties in a twist.”

Logan growled low in his throat. “Move along, bub.”

“You might want to listen to him. He just beat seven men to the ground,” I calmly stated.

Something must have gotten through the thick skull surrounding that feeble brain and the man backed off, grumbling, and disappeared into the crowd.

“How about that hotel?”

___________________

I drove us to a nearby hotel, letting Logan heal from internal injuries I knew he must have received during his fights. After we checked in and got to our room, I flopped down on one bed while Logan sniffed around and made it to the bathroom.

“Is it safe?” I joked.

“I’m more than a match for the bugs in the walls.”

“Did you have to tell me about them?” I moaned. “I was happier not knowing.”

He poked his head out of the bathroom and grinned at me, “If I gotta hear them, you can know about them.”

“Lo-gan,” I groaned and rolled over, checking over the room for any that may have crawled out.

He just chuckled. “You want to shower before I bloody up the place?” he called.

“Yes, please,” I answered enthusiastically. I grabbed my shower gear from my bag and headed for the bathroom. Logan had his shirt off, inspecting various cuts and bruises.

“You’re getting slow old man,” I smirked. He stuck out his tongue at me. I laughed, “Did the mighty Wolverine just stick his tongue out at me?”

“Maybe,” he mumbled, looking mildly embarrassed before he seemed to remember the Wolverine doesn’t get embarrassed. I continued to laugh at him as I shooed him out of the bathroom.

I showered quickly, not wanting Logan to sit around bloody for too long. I came out clean and fresh, dressed in sweats and a long-sleeved shirt for bed, pulling on my gloves. “Your turn.”

He passed me, mumbling something about women taking forever but I knew he was kidding. It wasn’t like I had luxuriated under the warm water or anything. Maybe just a little.

I sat on the bed, drying my hair as my nerves began to fray. I better get in bed and go to sleep so I don’t end up thinking too much. Thinking is my enemy. At night, at least.

I turned the lights out and got in bed. Logan would be able to find his bed in the dark. I needed to check on the walls before sleep. I remember thinking “barbaric” a few times during the fights so there was a possibility Erik had made a new crack somewhere. And it’s always important to check on Marie. It’s hard work keeping her safe. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply and evenly.

_________________

I opened my eyes to the sight of my maze.

Yup, there was a crack in Erik’s wall. I went and patched it up. Luckily, I caught it early. I wandered around, checking everyone else. I found Marie making a daisy chain in the center.

“Seriously, Marie, a daisy chain?”

“It must be all the fighting, it brought out my immature side,” she defended herself.

I laughed and sat next to her. “How do you feel about the sleeping arrangements?”

“We survived last night, we should be fine tonight. I don’t know what you’re so worried about. We’re in separate beds. Last night we were on the floor with Logan.”

“I know, I know. I didn’t argue hard enough with Logan. I should have slept in the car.”

“That’s not what I meant, Rogue,” she said, taking my hand to get my attention.

I squeezed her hand, “I just want to protect you, Marie. It’s important to me that you’re safe.”

“You’re doing a wonderful job. You’ve been letting me out lots more, I love it.”

“Well, we’re just driving around with Logan, nothing to worry about. But you know the second something goes weird, you’ll have to come back here, right?”

She sighed, “I know.” She smiled shyly, “Thanks for letting me share time at the bar.”

I laughed, “Just be careful with the Southern sass. If Logan hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t have let you talk back to that man. But I want you to have fun. And sassing Logan is fun.”

She giggled, “It is.”

We sat in comfortable silence for a while. Finally, Marie nudged me. “You better get to sleep.”

I sighed and stood up, “You’re right.”

I had started my journey out of the maze when Marie called after me, “Don’t let the bed bugs bite!”

“Marie!!”

Chapter the Fifth


I was cold; it was raining. My legs were covered with mud as I shuffled along. Dogs were barking and thunder rumbled in the distanced. I was scared. Why was I scared?

I was in a crowd of people. We were being ushered somewhere. I was confused. I huddled closer to my parents. I looked to my mother and she gave me a brief smile. Warmth filled me, spreading to my frozen limbs.

I looked over and saw men moving heavy bags. What was going on? Where was I? I looked closer, squinting my eyes and saw blue numbers burned into their pale skin.

There was a commotion up ahead. The severe, emotionless men in uniform were separating people. I huddled closer to my father. The uniformed men approached, pulling me away from my parents. I walked away, in shock. My parents. Why were they leaving? My mother began screaming. Hot, angry tears filled my eyes, spilling over. I shakily stumbled over to some bricks and sat down. I was losing my parents. I was losing my parents. My mother screamed and fought for me. My mother was fighting, I couldn’t just sit here! I pushed myself from the wall, trying to get back to her. But the gates were closing. Big, wicked metal gates, looming over me.

A guard began pulling me back, but something else pulled at me. I felt it, calling to me. I reached out, trying to get closer to the indefinable, confusing, familiar thing that pulled me. It called me, the siren, and I reached for it. More guards came, restraining me. Our feet began sliding in the mud. I was winning. I could reach my parents if I just tried hard enough. The thing hummed, I felt it beneath my fingers. If I could just reach it, my parents would come back. That single thought filled my mind, overwhelmed me. If I just kept pulling, I could reach them.

Suddenly, the hands were no longer restraining me but shaking me.

“Marie! Marie, please, wake up!”

“Nein! Nein! Meinen Eltern!! Lass mich los!” I struggled in my captor’s grasp, sobs wracking my body.

“Marie, darlin’, you’re having a nightmare. Come on, Marie, wake up.”

Tears were streaming down my face, burning paths down my cheeks. I couldn’t lose them. I fought.

“Marie, it’s okay, come on, it’s okay,” a voice was saying. It sounded familiar. It soothed me. I suddenly realized it wasn’t raining anymore. I was inside. I looked around, confusion pushing aside the fear.

“Logan?” I asked, brokenly, hesitantly.

“Yeah, darlin’, it’s me.”

“What, what are you doing?” I managed between the tears.

“You were having a nightmare, Marie, and I woke you up,” he replied gently, holding me.

Marie. My name is Marie. Not Erik. I remembered who I was.

“You can let go now. I’m awake,” I said, rather coldly. I was so ashamed. Logan had seen me face another nightmare. I had lost who I was for a while. The nightmare faded and I was fully awake.

He released me, a pained look in his eyes. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” I ground out. “Just give me space.” He backed across to his bed, sitting down heavily. I guess Logan always sits down heavily, what with the adamantium. I began to giggle a little.

“Marie?” Logan asked, confused.

Right. Let’s not get hysterical. “I’m fine Logan, really. Just a little... you shouldn’t wake me like that.”

“You weren’t listening to me so I had to shake you to get your attention. What was I supposed to do?” he challenged.

“I don’t know, just, don’t risk yourself next time, okay? Let the nightmare finish and I’ll just wake up on my own.”

“I’m not going to agree to that,” he quietly said.

I sighed, “Look, let’s drop this for now. I’m hungry. Where’s my breakfast in bed?” There, levity. Hopefully that will repair the situation and distract him.

For a second I didn’t think he would listen to me, but he rubbed his face and seemed to resign himself to the loss of that particular topic. With an effort, he grinned to match my change of moods, “No breakfast in bed. I cooked yesterday so I say it’s your turn.”

“This is a crappy hotel, Logan. How do you expect me to make breakfast?”

His attempted smile changed into a genuine one. “That’s your problem.”

I threw my pillow at him. “It’s too early for this,” I groaned as I rolled out of bed.

“Seven o’clock in the morning is not early.”

“Whatever, Mr. Obscenely-Chipper-For-This-Hour-Of-The-Day. I’ll be in the bathroom.”

I grabbed a change of clothes and went into the bathroom, locking the door. After splashing some cold water on my face, I looked into my reflection. I was pale, a sheen of sweat covering my face. I needed to check on Marie.

_____________

I easily slid into my mind, hurrying through the twisted passages. I ran down the winding corridors, skidding around corners, limbs flying. I finally reached the center, worried that I didn’t hear anything from Marie.

I found her, curled up in the center of dead flowers and brown grass. She shook as silent sobs wracked her body. My Marie! I ran to her, dropping to the ground beside her, pulling her close.

“Marie, honey, please don’t cry,” I begged. “Let me help you.”

“Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me!” she cried.

“I’m right here. Not going anywhere.”

“I’m so scared,” she whispered. She huddled closer to me, still haunted by the feeling of abandonment, of powerlessness, of failure. She sobbed and sobbed and I held her. It seemed like she was calming down when she got angry.

“Why?!” she demanded. “It’s not even mine!” Tears streamed down her face. She fought against my arms. “It’s not fair!”

“I know, I know,” I murmured as I rocked her, not minding if she punched me in her bitter anger and fear. It’s not her fault she has to suffer these violations. I should have protected her against the intrusion. I had failed her. It’s so hard, keeping the other personalities at bay during the day that things are bound to slip at night. I’m so exhausted. But I have to be brave for Marie.

“Being angry isn’t going to help, Marie,” I gently told her, holding her arms down.

“Well it should,” she mumbled as she leaned against me.

“You going to be okay?”

She looked at me like I was an idiot.

I rolled my eyes, “Can we go on with our day or should I stay here longer?” I clarified.

She hesitated, eyes big with remembered fear. Then she steeled herself, “Go on. I’ll be fine.”

I slowly unwound from her, wiping her last tears away. I cupped her face, looking her sternly in the eyes. “You call if you need anything, you hear? I’ll be here in an instant. I’ll always be here for you.”

She nodded and I stood up. “Why don’t you work on fixing the garden? Maybe it’ll help get your mind off of things.”

She looked around at the crumpled, dried leaves, the wilted flowers, the twisted, broken stems. “I suppose so.”

I left her there, cleaning up the garden. I followed the zigzag path out of the maze. I was worried about leaving her like this. What if the next time she didn’t survive the violation by another psyche? She’s so fragile, a crystalline figurine that must be handled delicately. Put too much pressure on it and it shatters. I can’t let Marie shatter. She belongs here. She deserves to inhabit this space fully but instead she’s forced to share. To live every day hiding in her own mind. She deserves better.

I looked back, seeing only the jagged edges of the walls. Should I go back? She might need me.

No, I have to go back to reality. Logan’s probably wondering where I am.

___________________

I came out of the bathroom, ready for the day. “It’ll have to be a cold breakfast,” I told Logan, picking up our previous conversation. “Unless you want me to microwave something?” I asked tentatively.

“Nah,” he smiled, “I was just joking. But next time we camp, you will be cooking.”

“Okay. Mind if I ask you something?”

“Sure?”

“Why are you so chipper? You complained when I wanted to get up to watch the sun rise over the falls but now you’re all... awake.”

His expression darkened. “Been up for a while.”

“Oh.” I dropped the subject. “So... breakfast?”

“My treat.”

_____________

We’d been driving for a few hours in companionable silence when Logan broke it.

“You need a break from driving?”

“No, I’m good. Do you mind if we stop at a park? I want to explore a little. If I just drove straight to Alaska, it wouldn’t be that fun.” It wouldn’t be meaningful.

“I got nothing against the idea. What’ll we be doing?”

“Just some hiking, exploring. I’ve never been so I don’t know,” I teased.

“Wake me when we get there, I’m going to take a nap,” Logan replied.

He probably didn’t get that much sleep last night so I didn’t object. I just drove.

___________

We got to Whiteshell Provincial Park late in the afternoon. I checked out various activities that we could do and pointed to a museum.

“Do you mind if we check out the museum? I’m interested in how the land formed,” I asked tentatively.

He looked horrified and leaned over my shoulder to read about it.

“Aha!” he triumphantly pointed to some print I hadn’t noticed.

Open during the summer.

“I guess you don’t have to,” I turned to smile at him. His face was way too close and I jumped back. My heart was hammering. I took some deep breaths, trying to calm myself. We hadn’t had an accident. It was okay.

Logan realized his mistake and stepped back, giving me space.

“You know I’m not scared, Marie. I trust you,” he reassured me.

“I know. I just, I feel like a broken record but I don’t want any accidents.”

“I understand,” he said quietly. “Now, how about a hike?”

We walked through the forest, the sounds of the leaves rustling and branches swaying, animals moving through the underbrush filling our ears. The wilderness called to me and I inhaled deeply, enjoying the sharp scent of the pine trees.

We walked in silence. I looked up to Logan, who was ahead of me. He seemed made to be in the forest. He seemed so at home here.

Without thinking, I blurted out, “Do you want to camp here tonight?”

He turned to face me, “You sure? It means you’ll have to cook,” he grinned.

“Yeah, I’m sure. You just look so... peaceful here.”

He paused, apparently thinking about what I had said. He shook himself from his ponderings.

“Let’s go get a campsite.”

______________

I helped Logan set up the tent as dusk began to fall. Then Logan got the fire going and we sat beside it, eating dinner.

“Hey Logan?”

“Yeah, kid?”

“Can we make s’mores?”

He laughed, “It’s your trip.”

I got out the marshmallows and asked, “Could you get the sticks? You see better in this light.”

He complied and soon we were roasting marshmallows.

“You ever do this before?” I asked, pulling my marshmallow off the stick.

He chuckled, “Kid, my camping was a little different.”

“What was it like?” I chewed on my s’more.

“Lonelier. But at the same time, I didn’t feel alone. It felt right.” He seemed thoughtful.

I stopped eating and paused, “Do you regret coming with me?”

“Nah. Wouldn’t have been doing anything better at the mansion.”

I sighed and looked up at the stars, s’more forgotten. “They’re so beautiful,” I murmured.

Logan pulled out a blanket and spread it out on the ground. “Come here,” he ordered.

I walked over and we reclined on the blanket, staring up at the stars. The stars twinkled and winked at us, pinned up in the black velvet of the sky.

“There’s Cassiopeia,” Logan pointed up.

“Where?” I asked.

“She kind of looks like a ‘w’.”

“Oh, yeah. I see it.” I studied Cassiopeia. “I wonder what she did to get stuck in the sky,” I mused.

“Tried to sacrifice her daughter.”

I turned to Logan, “Really? Do you know the story?”

Logan encouraged me to come closer, “I’ll tell you a bedtime story.” He grinned.

I hesitantly laid my head on his chest and snuggled closer, double checking any exposed skin. He waited for me to relax and then launched into the tale.

“Cassiopeia bragged that she was more beautiful than the Nereids --”

“The what?”

“Sea nymphs. Now do you want to hear the story or interrupt me?”

I giggled. “Go on.”

“So, before I was so rudely interrupted by some kid, I was saying that Cassiopeia was bragging. Now, Poseidon didn’t take kindly to Cassiopeia bragging that she was hotter than his daughters so he sent a sea monster, Cetus, to ravage the coast of her kingdom. Her husband, Cepheus, went to the Oracle at Delphi to discover what he could do to kill the damn thing. The Oracle said he had to sacrifice his virginal daughter, Andromeda.”

“A virgin sacrifice, really?”

“It’s the thing to do in these situations,” he said, gravely. “Now, Cepheus didn’t want to sacrifice his daughter but he had a kingdom to think of so he chained her, naked, to a rock.”

“Was it really necessary for her to be naked?”

“They’re Greek. Anyway, before Cetus could eat this delicious virgin morsel, Perseus came along and killed the monster and rescued Andromeda. They got married and lived somewhat happily ever after.”

“Somewhat?”

“Well there was a fight at the wedding and someone ended up being turned to stone.”

“Ah. So why is Cassiopeia in the sky if she was bragging?”

“Well they put her in the sky upside down to embarrass her.”

“Oh. That’s pretty harsh. Eternal embarrassment for some bragging.”

“That’s what you get when you insult powerful people.”

We lapsed into silence. I listened to Logan’s heart beat against my cheek. I felt safe. After what seemed like a comfortable eternity, I began to shiver. Logan noticed.

“Come on, darlin’, into the tent.”

____________

I was curled up in my sleeping bag, trying to fall asleep. It was not an easy task. I couldn’t sleep until I stopped thinking, but every time I tried to relax my vigilance my mind would drift to destructive, depressing thoughts. It was a conundrum. I felt so tired. Drained. I work incredibly hard to keep some sense of self. I may have locked the psyches away but I felt their constant presence. The never-ending battle to keep them contained. But that’s why I set out on this trip. To try to get away from this struggle. I had to keep trying. Eventually my mind faded to blissful nothingness.