Control
There were days that Logan absolutely hated Rogue.
Fifteen years ago the professor had found Logan on the hood of his Rolls Royce, nearly dead from a chest full of mercury laced buckshot. At first, Logan had railed against everything the professor had been offering- a secure place to hide, a job, help with finding out where he was from. He’d taken off and hadn’t seen Charles Xavier until nearly a year had passed and he’d run in to Chuck at a party Tony Stark had held. It was then that he reluctantly accepted the professors help on finding clues to his past, though he’d made it perfectly clear that was all he wanted from the professor. Over the fallowing four years, he began to spend more and more time at the mansion and had finally settled there. Logan had found peace at last and had enjoyed it for ten wonderful years.
Rogue was making him lose that now and he hated her for it. Ever since they’d stopped Apocalypse, She’d become darker, angrier and more defiant, often to the point he wanted to strangle her. She sometimes made him so angry that he felt as he was inches from losing control of Wolverine. This was something that frightened Logan deeply because Wolverine was a monster. On the days that Rogue pushed him to the edge of his patience he would flee to some cage fight bar in New York City. In the last six months, he’d only been at the mansion for two months total-something that he blamed entirely on Rogue.
Logan scowled at monitor from the observation deck in the danger room at Rogue. She stood a little ways off from the group with her hip cocked, fiddling with her white streak as Scott went over the mission parameters. He let out a low growl at her apparent lack of attention to what her leader was saying. Before he could bark at her over the intercom, Scott spoke up.
“Rogue, Am I boring you?” He asked with a visibly lifted eyebrow. Rogue dropped her strand of hair and shrugged. “No. I just was keeping some distance between us because you all are wearing short sleeves and shorts.” She said, crossing her arms. Scott heaved a sigh moved away from jean. “I need to make sure you understand this mission. Jean can put a protective bubble around you until we’re through here.” Rogue sighed and went to stand between Scott and Jean, giving Jean a small smirk as she did. Jean bristled but didn’t say anything to Rogue as she put up the telekinetic shield Logan glared at the monitor even harder as Rogue screwed around with Jean’s head. He turned when the professor cleared his throat. “Is something bothering you old friend? You have been very restless this last year.” He stated in his quiet Bostonian accent. Logan took a deep calming breath and forced a smile. “Nah. Rogue is just screwing around.” He turned back to the monitor, moving to the side so the professor could join him.
Professor Xavier gave the man who’d been his friend for nearly twelve years a completive look. “Logan, are you seeing anyone? I could arrange for-” Professor Xavier stopped mid-sentence as Logan gave him a look that made him decide that finishing that particular sentence would be unwise. “My office door is always open if you need someone to talk to.” He said, and then turned his attention to the students below.
Two days later
Rogue clenched her jaw as Scott once again harped on her about the mission. It was like he didn’t think she felt bad enough about it, so he ragged on her at every oppertunitity. Finally she snapped at him. “Jeez, Ah get it!! Ah fucked up. There is no reason to keep yelling at meh about it!” she snarled. “Let it go already!” Scott carefully took a step back from her and frowned. “I won’t let it go. Rogue, you have to trust your teammates otherwise you’ll get someone killed. You almost died this morning.” He said quietly. Rogue flinched when he pulled away, not realizing how in his face she’d been. She snorted to cover her agreement with him that someone was going to die because of her. “Ah did not almost die. Ah bumped mah head a little, that’s all. Leave meh alone, wouldya?” she softened the last part of her statement for reasons unknown to her. Scott reached over and squeezed her shoulder. “Just be more careful in the future Rogue.” Was all he said before leaving.
That same evening
Kitty was walking down the hall to the room she shared with Rogue when she spotted Logan sitting on the top step of the staircase, drinking from a bottle of Jack Daniels. “Hey Badger.” She said teasingly, walking towards him, stopping when he turned his head towards her. “Whoa, sorry.” She said, then went back to her room, the sight of Logan-Wolverine’s ice blue eyes sending shivers down her spine.
Wolverine sighed as the one he called Half-pint scurried down the hall. He titled his head as she entered the room she shared with the defiant one. He wasn’t surprised to not to hear her in her room where she should be; naturally she was off breaking rules again. Wolverine stood with his bottle and began tracking the troubled teen. He found her twenty minutes later, after he’d polished off the whiskey and three beers. She was down by what everyone called the lake, though it was more of a big pond. He slipped unobserved from the trees, which only ticked him off. She wasn’t paying attention to anything but the harsh music pouring out of her headphones. Wolverine sighed and shook his head. One day he was going to teach her a lesson about being aware of her surroundings, but for now he’d let it go. It was then that he spotted the bottles of wine and beer on the ground.
Rogue sang softly along with Foreigner, her hips swaying slightly in time to the music. She was beginning to relax now, but she wasn’t sure if it was the music or the bottle of wine she’d drunk. She yelped as hard fingers bit into her upper arm and her headphones were snatched out of her ears and tossed towards the lake. She gapped as her mp3 player skipped four times before making a soft splash. She whirled and glared at her captor and destroyer of the mp3 player.
“What the hell is your problem?” she snarled at Wolverine, not caring that he was not a side of Logan that most people treated with caution. The bastard had ruined her stuff. “What the fuck do ya think you’re doing, KID?” he growled back, shaking her. “I’ve been here for five minutes and you didn’t notice me till I touched you!” Rogue wrenched free. “I knew someone was there, but chose to ignore them.” She said indifferently. Wolverine bristled and took a deep shaking breath. “Not only were you not paying attention, you’ve been drinking.” He accused, pointing a claw in her face. Rogue swatted it aside and gave a bored yawn. “Oh, go suck your own balls.” She snapped.
Later, Wolverine could never say what had made him snap, but snap he did. Rogue sashayed past him, heading towards the house, a smile on her face as he gapped at her crudeness. He saw the smirk out of the corner of his eye and snagged her arm, yanked her in front of him, and lifted her off her feet. He growled fiercely into her face, which only made her lift an eyebrow. With an angry roar, he used one hand to slam her into the nearest tree by the throat. Panting, he held her there for a moment and on impulse, yanked up her sheer green shirt.
Rogue was about to protest his treatment of her shirt when suddenly it was over her face and he was kissing her so hard it made her head spin. When his tongue slid inside her mouth, she knew she must have gasped. She put one hand out to push him away but her body betrayed her as she began to respond to Wolverine, her fingers winding into his hair, tongue dueling with his. She let out a soft moan as his lips, tongue and teeth began tracing a line of heat down her jaw and into her cleavage. The hand that had previously been at her throat was now cupping her ass, urging her to wrap her legs around his waist. Wolverine made a pleased sound in his throat she hitched herself onto his hips, kissing him back hard as he was kissing her. He bucked into her, eliciting a whimper from her. He thrust his hips again and nipped her neck with his canines. Rogue whimpered softly and tried to bite him back even as her gloved fingers dug into his collar bones and neck. Wolverine growled and wrapped her hair around one hand, squeezing tight and pulling her head back slightly. His other hand slid up from her ass to her chest. Forgetting her mutation as he swallowed her sudden squeal of pain, he reached into her corset to cup a breast.
Logan blinked several times to clear his head of the woozy feeling and caught the scent of lust, anger and blood. He became aware of a soft breast under his hand, and he looked for the owner of said breast. He let out a strangled sound as he recognized Rogue, though she looked rather drugged at the moment and seemed to be bleeding from the back of her head. Less than five seconds later found him over by the shore of the lake, staring out over it guiltily.
Rogue slid to the ground in boneless shock. She had been under the impression that she would never have anything like that, ever. Once she realized that Logan had vanished, she stood up and walked over to him. When she touched his shoulder, her flinched way from her and took a few steps away from her. “Go to bed kid. Its past you’re bedtime. If you go now, I won’t say anything about the drinking.” He said, not looking at her. Rogue gapped at him for a full minute before the dose of Wolverine she’d just gotten kicked in.
Logan clenched his jaw in self disgust as he waited for her to follow his order. What was wrong with him, for Fucks sake? Logan yowled as something connected with his kidneys, twice. He began to swear as he realized it had been Rogue’s booted foot. Just as he turned to kick her ass, He felt himself go flying through the air. Fuck. Me. Was all he had time to think before the black water claimed his body.

Rogue wiped a furious tear from her check as she stomped up to the house. She never thought that Logan of all people would treat her like that. She began to run, tears sliding down her face. {How dare Logan kiss her like that and then treat her like a naughty child!} She choked back a sob and planted her fist into the nearest tree, feeling a burning sensation in her knuckles. She angrily scrubbed her eyes with the backs of her hands and took a deep breath. I hope he chokes on a chicken bone. {I am never speaking to him again, not unless absolutely necessary.} She thought savagely as she slammed the back door and ran up the stairs to her and Kitty’s room. Kitty rolled over on the bed and spoke softly into the phone, then hung up. “You okay Roguey?’ she asked, noting the smears of eyeliner all over Rogue’s face. Her inner eyebrow hit the ceiling as she saw black lipstick on Rogue’s jaw, throat and what would be her cleavage if it weren’t for her shirt. “AH’M Fahne.” Rogue said calmly as possible. “Okay. But I’m totally here for you if you need someone to talk to.” Rogue snorted and went into the bathroom to shower, sort of grateful for Kitty, not that she’d admit it out loud.


Logan woke up in cold darkness that had him momentarily panicking. He instinctively gasped for air, even though there was no air available when you were buried six feet in the ground. He choked on water instead of dirt, both relieving and scaring him at the same time. Blinking rapidly, Logan became aware of the long stick pinning his shoulder to the lake bottom. Aware he was low on oxygen; Logan popped one claw and after cutting himself free of the branch, swam to the surface of the lake. He took his time making his way up to the mansion, building mental shield after shield, afraid of what the professor would say if he knew. Logan hung his head in shame as he started across the back lawn not wanting to look up at Rogue’s room. He had destroyed her trust, all for a simple kiss.


Over the next three weeks, everyone at the mansion noticed the tension between Logan and Rogue, but figured it was due to the fact that Rogue had been grounded. Everyone assumed that since it was Logan who’d grounded her, she wasn’t speaking to him. Logan on the other hand spent the entire three weeks wracked with guilt, especially since some of his dreams had gone so far past steamy he wasn’t sure what to do with it. He felt as if there was something wrong with him, and he began sinking into a depression that had Kitty watching him extra close. Naturally, he avoided her, before he started dreaming about her too.


After all, it was not normal to dream about tying someone up and screwing them until they screamed themselves voiceless, and continue to fuck them until they both came pretty close to death. Logan wanted to talk about this with Charles, but given the star of the dreams, he just couldn’t. So during the day, he avoided Rogue and at night he cherished the long dirty dreams about her, glad not to be having nightmares. He did regret, however, the fact he’d ever touched her-she didn’t trust him anymore and that was evident by the cold shoulder she was giving him these days. Why that bothered him so much he wasn’t really attempting to figure out.


Charles Xavier was not, by nature, a worrier. When Logan became more monosyllabic than normal, he didn’t put much stock in it, figuring that when Logan was ready to talk about what was bothering him, he would. Then three weeks went by, and Logan was still not seeking his advice, but withdrawing from everyone. He often had a guilty look in his eyes, but Charles wasn’t ready to pry-yet. If Logan continued on this path he would pry, and only because he had the children to think of. If Logan kept going this way, then he’d end up in a very dark place.

Charles sighed inwardly and took a sip of his tea, watching Logan pace around the office as they waited for Rogue and Nightcrawler to arrive. Several minutes later Kurt strolled in, stuffing half of a hamburger into his mouth. “ewo professher” he choked out around his food. Rogue entered and punched Kurt's arm. “That is disgusting Kurt. Don’t talk with your mouth full of that trash you call food.” She grumped, and flopped into a chair. She lifted one booted foot to the seat of the chair and wrapped her arms around it. Ororo entered and placed a tray of tea and snacks in front of the professor. She offered a cup to Logan, who merely lifted the glass of bourbon in his hand.


After Rogue had gotten a cup of tea for herself, the professor cleared his throat. “I asked the two of you in here today to discuss a matter concerning Mystique.” He said, steepleing his fingers. Kurt began fidgeting, not looking at his sister. Rogue lifted an eyebrow in an exact replica of Logan’s most frequent facial expression. “What the hell is porn smurf up to now?” she asked dryly. Storm blinked at Rogue’s….. creative expression, but managed to pull a serene face. Logan, on the other hand inhaled the bourbon sharply, choking on it as he tried not to laugh. Kurt pouted at his sister, and the professor furrowed his eyebrows in disproval. “Mystique is seeking asylum here, she’d like-“ The professor didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence as Rogue leapt out of her chair.


“Are you fucking insane?!? How the hell can you let her anywhere near here after what she’s done? After she’s repeatedly used us?!? She’s after something, and it isn’t a place to stay!!!” Rogue panted angrily, ready to launch into another tirade. Logan placed a hand on her shoulder, and she choked the flood of words with a shuddering breath. Logan squeezed her shoulder gently, and pushed her back into her chair. He left his hand on her shoulder, making her realize that she forgave him for what had happened at the lake. “Listen to chuck, stripes. He’s not saying she is going to stay.” He said softly, tossing the rest of the bourbon down his throat.


“Mystique would like to defect from Magneto’s side. She doesn’t like the work he asks her to do sometimes. I haven’t made my decision yet because I wanted to speak with the two of you. If she were to come stay with us, I’d have her in isolation and you wouldn’t even have to see her if you didn’t wish to.” The professor said kindly. He looked at the siblings in front of him, trying to gauge their moods without using his telepathy. Kurt chewed his lip and twisted his tail in apprehension, not really sure what he felt. Rogue was burning with a barley contained rage, understandably. What surprised him was the hint of fear, buried deep under the anger. He made a mental note to speak to her later.


Kurt finally spoke. “I don’t trust her, professor. I would like to get to know her, but I don’t like this.” The professor nodded in agreement. “I doubt her intentions as well. However, I have made this mansion into a home for anyone who comes looking for one, or for anyone seeking asylum. I will think about this tonight and tomorrow, I will discuss it with your teammates.. I’d appreciate it if you did not speak to them about this until then.” He said, waiting for their consenting nods before releasing them. Kurt stayed to grab more food, smiling impishly at the professor before he bamfed out. Rogue was out of there before Kurt had reached for the first sandwich.


Logan set his glass down and went after her, catching up with her near the lake. “Ah-Ah Ah’m scared.” She whispered, facing away from him , tremors running through her body. He slid his arms around her waist, turning her so that her face was resting against his chest. “why? You know I won’t let her hurt you again.” He murmured, rubbing her back gently. She shook her head. “It’s not that, though you can’t stop her from hurting mah heart.” She said. Rogue tensed and exhaled. “Ah’m afraid of what Ah’ll do to her. Ah mean, Ah did push her off of a cliff.” It was something that haunted her every night she actually slept.


Logan’s heart clenched at her confession. He’d understood her reasoning behind it, and didn’t doubt he’d done much of the same thing to those that had betrayed him. “Porn smurf can’t be trusted, and ah’m afraid of the lengths ah’d be willing to go to prove it.” She confessed into his chest. He sighed in agreement, a wry smile crossing his face at her very accurate nickname for the blue bitch. “I’ll stop ya from doing too much damage to her.” He said, pushing her away from his chest to look her in the eye. “promise?” she asked softly. He smiled crookedly at her. “yeah, I promise.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four days later
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was in a team training session that Rogue realized how badly Logan wanted to screw her stupid. He’d been teaching them how to get out of various holds, without their mutations when it happened. Logan had been using her as a demonstration, because she was more slender and delicate seeming then Kitty. Logan had her in a chokehold, her feet dangling off the ground as he held her against a wall. His eyes burned bright blue for the five longest seconds of her life as he gazed at her, promising all sorts of naughtiness. The look was gone before she could even properly process it, and she didn’t think about it until dinner, when Wolverine emerged half way through the meal and smirked at her. She thought about that look well into the next day, and finally decided to act on it.


Wolverine paced his large living space, not sure what he was waiting for. Whatever it was, it had him restless. Then desire rocketed through his body, making his groin tighten in anticipation and his lower back to tense up. Well, he did know how to take care of this problem. He was grabbing his jacket when the knock came. He walked over to the door and yanked it open, then looked down to see the delicious girl from his fantasies. He smirked broadly and ushered her in, the smell of why she was here rolling off her in waves. He locked the door behind her and after dropping his jacket, lifted her up off her feet and pressed her into the door.


Wolverine raised one knee and pressed it into her core, causing a breathy gasp to escape her. He grinned wolfishly and lowered his head to hers, then claimed her mouth fiercely for the briefest of moments. He frowned at the taste of her lipstick and saw she still wore the mask of makeup. He lowered her to the floor and led her to the bathroom. “get it off” he ground out, barley able to speak coherently. She began doing as he requested, and when she bent to rinse her face, he rubbed his bugling front against her ass. She gripped the edge of the sink with a low whimper, and Wolverine couldn’t wait any longer. He began thrusting against her earnestly, growling in unison with her moans of pleasure. When he was nearly ready to explode, he pushed her legs apart and freed himself from his too-tight jeans. He rubbed his cock against her, and then pushed up her skirt. “Hold still” he breathed into her ear, thrusting against her again. He nipped her shoulder and then her lower back. He knelt and popped a claw out a few centimeters. Before he cut a hole in her nylons, he rubbed the bundle of nerves that were throbbing with desire. Standing, he sheathed himself with a condom from the drawer next to them and entered her.


Rogue had, for the briefest of moments, hesitated before coming to Logan’s room. Looking into the mirror and seeing wolverine’s blue gaze on her, she wondered why¬- coherent thought was gone when he thrust his cock deep inside her, filling and stretching her. She gripped the countertop harder as he withdrew from her completely and then entered her again, harder this time. She let out soft whines of pleasure as he pumped into her harder and harder. One of his hands slid around to her front and teased a nipple, pinching and rubbing. She had never ever felt this way before and didn’t want it to end. Heat began coiling her lower stomach tighter and tighter with each of his thrusts. Suddenly his hand left her breast and he pushed her shoulders down until her cheek rested against the cool tile of the counter. then gripped her hips in both of his hands. With canines gleaming in the mirror, he withdrew once more and thrust again, the new angle and his vise-like grip on her hips allowing him to go deeper than before. His next thrust almost hurt, but then there was nothing but pleasure as his thrusts became more frantic. She closed her eyes and let the sensations roll over her. He growled and yanked her flush against him, then bit her shoulder roughly. It was enough for the universe she occupied to collapse in on itself, and she vaguely heard his primal scream as he rode in on wave of ecstasy just behind hers.


Several minutes passed before he pulled out of her and rid himself of the condom. Wolverine had never been more sated and excited at the same time before. This one was very good, and he didn’t plan on letting her go anytime soon. With a predatory smile, he took her hand and led her into the bedroom, then turned her for a hungry kiss. When the pull started he made a displeased sound. Suddenly he remembered something and let her go. Going to the back of his closet, he pulled out The Box. It had been hidden in his room because ultimately, anyone stupid enough to try and get past him was going to die, and if they did get by him, they deserved The Box.


Rogue watched with hooded eyes as the Wolverine dug into his closet, his jeans sliding down his ass. She smiled at the view. He turned and handed her a slim box, waiting for her to open it. She opened it and tilted her head at the slender silver choker that was accompanied by a key on a gold chain. He took the key and put it around his neck, then placed the choker on her. He turned her after a brief lick to the cheek. He locked it on her with the key from around his neck. A stat icy feeling raced through her body, and then he was kissing her with such deep lust all else faded from her mind. She smiled as she realized that she hadn’t hurt him, then leapt up onto his hips kissing him all over his face. He smiled and kissed her back, then ripped her clothes off.


Logan woke up to sunlight streaming into his eyes, the heady scent of sex and strangely, spearmint. He lifted his head, more relaxed and liquid feeling then had in nearly a year. He turned as he caught Rogue’s scent, about to growl at her to get out, for fucks sake, when he saw her curled onto her side, her very naked side, covered only by a sheet that had slid off her shoulders. His eyes bugged out as it registered that it was the mingled scent of them that was creating the sex smells. He fled into the bathroom as she stirred. A minute later there was knock on the door. “Logan?” she said in voice that told him she’d been screaming for good portion of the night. He sighed deeply, early choking on the smell of them in the bathroom. He turned to the door. “Look, I don’t know what happened last night, but it aint goanna happen again, got that?” he said bluntly after opening the door. She gapped at him as he slid past her and shoved himself into a pair of jeans and a shirt. He needed to go sort out his head, and it had to be away from her. “I’m goanna be gone for awhile.” He said then fled the mansion before chuck figured out what he’d done.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rogue fumed for the next two days, until her inner wolverine smiled wickedly and gave her an idea. By the time he returned five days later, she had everything planned out. After dinner the day he returned, she went to his room and knocked until he opened it. She held out a hand and in a cool voice said “You owe meh five hundred dollars for the services ah rendered to you last week.”

a list of 100 Things Jubilee's Learned at the X-Mansion:

1. Clear Eyes© is an inappropriate gift for Scott.
2. I may not refer to Professor Xavier as "Sugar Daddy".
3. St. John Allerdyce is a pyrokinetic, not a "flamer".
4. To "kick a** and chew bubblegum" is not a valid career choice.
5. Introducing myself as the "Goddess of a**-Whoopings" while on a mission in primitive lands is not funny.
6. Cerebro is not an IMAX theater, and it is therefore wrong to sell tickets to it.
7. I may not "recreate something I saw on the d**k Clark New Year's Special".
8. Scott is not a One-Eyed One-Horned Flying Purple People Eater in disguise, and it is wrong to tell the little kids that he is.
9. Jean Grey cannot give me winning lottery numbers, and I should stop asking her to.
10. I will not ask Remy to say "Call me now for your free reading" ever again.
11. May not threaten any student with "hot plasma death".
12. Must not dare Bobby to turn the kitchen into an ice rink. He'll always do it.
13. Storm will not make it snow in July "just to freak out Al Roker".
14. Storm cannot literally make it rain cats and dogs, and I should stop telling the other students that she can.
15. Wolverine is not my personal box cutter.
16. May not hover my finger around Rogue and continuously say "I'm not touching yoooooou...".
17. Will not tell the little kids that Professor Xavier is really Santa Claus after a clean shave, and that they should sit on his lap and tell him what they want for Christmas.
18. Not allowed to chew gum during missions unless I bring enough for everyone.
19. (Next Day) Not allowed to chew gum on missions even if I did bring enough for everyone.
20. Not allowed to call Batman a "p***y".
21. Even if he is.
22. I am not the Empress of Mutopia.
23. Not allowed to videotape missions and sell them to Hollywood studios as adventure films.
24. Not allowed to taunt Juggernaut by asking if he's "compensating for something".
25. Taking bets on who's going to die and be resurrected next is a tasteless act, not an ingenious money-making plan.
26. It is wrong to shave Beast's back while he sleeps, even if it's to make a wig for Professor Xavier.
27. Sending plasma sparks everywhere and flopping around on the floor like a seizure victim is not funny.
28. Not allowed to call Dazzler the "prototype".
29. M stands for "Monet", not "Man, she's an uber-b***h!"
30. Not allowed to accuse random students of being Mystique in disguise.
31. Never allowed to start a mission statement with "Dude, you've gotta hear what happened to me last week!".
32. The Black Bird and other X-Vehicles do not connect to form a giant robot, and so I should stop asking to see it.
33. Gateway will not make me a portal to Cancun for Spring Break.
34. After Forge creates a new helpful piece of equipment, singing "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto" to him is not a proper means of expressing gratitude.
35. Not allowed to roast marshmallows in Jono's chest cavity ever again.
36. Responding to anything Rogue says with "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" is not funny.
37. Not allowed to sell pictures of Beast in the backyard to tabloids and National Geographic under the premise of a Bigfoot encounter.
38. Not allowed to challenge the Brotherhood to a "dance-off".
39. It is wrong to tell new students that Kitty is the ghost of a girl who died in the Institute.
40. It is also wrong to tell new students that the sublevels house the dungeon and torture chambers.
41. I am not the Professor of Awesome-ology.
42. Nor am I the Professor of Mall Studies.
43. I am not a professor, period.
44. Not allowed to scream "SENTINELS!!" during a showing of War of the Worlds.
45. Sage is not here to do my homework.
46. Warren is not my personal Jesus.
47. Kurt is not a Dark Elf, and I should stop asking him to join my party of adventurers.
48. I cannot "catch" psychic, and should therefore not sell the right to touch me to new students as a means of being infected with telepathic powers.
49. I stay at the "Xavier Institute for Higher Learning", not the "X-Crib".
50. The Phoenix Force cannot countermand any of my mission orders.
51. It is inappropriate to ask Professor Xavier to "do donuts" around the basketball court.
52. Not allowed to collect Warren's feathers to use as school supplies for when I receive my letter to Hogwarts.
53. Professor Xavier's nickname is not "Wheels", no matter how much Wolverine says so.
54. Not allowed to "borrow" Rogue's gloves for yard work.
55. Beast's real name is Hank McCoy, not "King Kong", and I should stop referring to him as such.
56. Not allowed to ask Jean if "the carpet matches the drapes".
57. Not allowed to ask Scott, either.
58. Forge will not make me a time machine out of a 1981 DeLorean.
59. The Morlocks would not "make a kick a** name for a rock band".
60. Black Tom Cassidy is not "after me frosted Lucky Charms".
61. While Psylocke may be a ninja, she does not "flip out and kill people," and I should not insinuate that she does.
62. My teammates do not want to know why I just happen to have a box of Fruit Rollups©, an inflatable hammer, a copy of Crime and Punishment, and a bottle of red acrylic paint in my uniform locker.
63. Will not use my powers to create extra constellations on the local planetarium ceiling.
64. Not allowed to do anything to "practice for Fear Factor" within the mansion walls.
65. Not allowed to sign up as a Fear Factor "event".
66. Will not beg Magik to make me co-ruler of Limbo.
67. I am not an "honorary Shi'ar".
68. Deodorant is not an effective Sabretooth repellent.
69. A member who leaves the team then comes back is a returning X-Man, not an Ex-Ex-X-Man, and I should not teach the younger students to call them the latter.
70. Not allowed to run Chinese Fire Drills around the Black Bird before missions anymore.
71. Just because someone's mutation gives them claws, it does not mean that a scratching post makes a good Christmas gift.
72. Not allowed to secretly sell diamond-skinned Emma on the black market.
73. Or E-Bay.
74. It is wrong to tell new students that they can block out the telepathic mind rays by wearing pointy tinfoil hats.
75. Not allowed to quote Braveheart on missions.
76. My name is not a killing word.
77. I will not pretend that I can't hear Jean's telepathic messages and subsequently tell her to "think up".
78. It is not funny to plaster Piotr with refrigerator magnets.
79. Not allowed to whistle the Beverly Hillbillies theme around the Guthries anymore.
80. Not allowed to ask Marrow to "throw me a freaking bone".
81. While the Hulk is a green giant, he is in no way "jolly".
82. Gozer does not dwell in the mansion refrigerator.
83. Will not bribe Peter Parker into taking incriminating photos of my teammates.
84. The Fourth of July Fireworks Committee did not "steal the idea from me".
85. I should not confess to crimes that happened before I was born, even if I was with a time traveler.
86. When the power goes out during a thunderstorm, it is not to be blamed on "Ororo's PMS".
87. I am also not qualified to "jumpstart" the circuit breaker afterwards.
88. Will not refer to the Fantastic Four as "Stretcho, Out 'o Sight, Mr. Psoriasis, and the Hottie".
89. Dr. McCoy was not involved in any long-term family feuds with anyone named Hatfield.
90. The following things do not exist: Keys to the X-ecutive Washroom, wheelchair spinners, holo-fluid, Gamb-It™ batteries, and Danger Gnomes.
91. Not allowed to end statements made by pre-cogs with "in accordance with the prophecy".
92. Mystique's real name is not "Crappy Smurf".
93. Not allowed to smuggle in vodka by way of green food coloring and Cool Mint Listerine® bottles ever again.
94. Not allowed to put a blow-up doll in a dress and leave it at the school dance, then chastise Bobby for standing up his date.
95. "I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question posed by a senior X-Man.
96. I may not use X-Vehicles to "squish" things.
97. Not allowed to toss a white sheet over Professor Xavier and call him Rufus Shinra.
98. I am not a "Teenage Mutant Ninja" anything.
99. Not allowed to start my own Fight Club in the Danger Room.
100. I'm probably going to my own layer of Hell for all of the above.