Summary: Logan and Rogue get together but are met with misunderstanding and even resentment from the team members. They run away but things go beyond wrong when they discover Rogue is pregnant and that they will have to go back to a place they hoped to never see again.
Categories: X-Men Origins Wolverine,
X1,
AU Characters: None
Genres: Adult, Angst, Dark, Drama, Shipper
Tags: None
Warnings: Cutting, Not Beta Read, Not Spellchecked
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 10
Completed: No
Word count: 40551
Read: 58323
Published: 07/01/2009
Updated: 03/04/2010
Story Notes:
Time…is just a figure. There’s no meaning in the word ‘time’, not for someone like Logan. I’m sure somewhere deep down inside of me that that’s what he meant in the kitchen when he talked about us making a mistake.
1. Chapter 1 by Freespirit
2. Chapter 2 by Freespirit
3. Chapter 3 by Freespirit
4. Chapter 4 by Freespirit
5. Chapter 5 by Freespirit
6. Chapter 6 by Freespirit
7. Chapter 7 by Freespirit
8. Chapter 8 by Freespirit
9. Chapter 9 by Freespirit
10. Chapter 10 by Freespirit
Author's Notes:
Hey guys, this is my first obra, so be kind! Chapter 2 up in no time but I still don't know how many chapters will come out of this plot. I just have to stay awake late enough at night to have it all knit up in my mind. So what does a sleepless night mean when I can give you some more Logan/Marie stories?
Reviews are my reason for living.
I can see her, feel her body move beneath mine as waves of bliss run through her veins. She is here with me and I'm speechless as her brown eyes open wide while her soft lips whisper my name almost inaudibly.
Then my world tumbles down and everything else fades away except for the feel of her inner heaven tightening suddenly around me. I'm helpless, fighting to breathe fighting the urge to get further inside. But I can't. I can't do that to her too. I'm already too far gone beyond any line and I can't add pain to her right now.
But she's so here, so real that I can't seem to get any control over my feelings.
But it's not about me, I must remember that it's not about me.
With a slight twist of my hips, I bring myself to the other side where she still seems to be seeing a million stars and I think I can see them too. I try hard not to collapse on top of her and roll us over on our side so as not to crush her. She tilts her head to the side and hides her face into my chest and I think I can smell the tears she's trying to fight as she buries her face near my heart.
What's wrong? I thought it was alright, I felt what we're doing was okay but apparently not. I try to soothe her by lightly stroking her back, up and down but it doesn't seem to help because the smell of her tears is even stronger and I finally feel wet, warm trails slowly cooling on my skin.
I need to say something, tell her anything to let her know it's okay, bring her back to this moment, back to me. But all I can think of saying is "I'm sorry".
She pulls away a little and puts her small hand over the spot where my heart starts to pound searching its way to hers.
Her voice is soft and barely audible when she says
"No Logan, don't be. It's just... I'm just a little overwhelmed is all...Don't be sorry, because I wanted this. I want you, all of you."
All of me, she says.
The early morning sun reminds us that it is time for her to go back to her room. That's our agreement: she has to go back to her room before the sun completely rises. As painful as it can be to watch her leave, I tell myself that it would be even more painful if someone saw her sneaking about like a thief in the night. I don't like the turn things are taking or the way I feel when I think that what we share could be seen as something 'disgusting' in the eyes of some self-righteous people. I wanted to take her with me, go away from this place so that we could fully live whatever it is that's between us. But she never wants to. She says that it's the best place we could have found and I know deep down that she's right.
I watch her very carefully, registering every single curve of her body, the way it seems to glow in the dim light of this room and I can't help but think that as beautiful as she already is, something in her always seems to be in the process of being, as if she was somewhat unfinished still, like a beautiful painting that still needed a final touch to make it a masterpiece.
It's a sick feeling you know, to tell yourself that you're the one stealing something so essential to the very person you love with all you are. When you know that she will never be the same, that she will be marked forever because of you. There's no such desperate feeling. And then I remember that she's only seventeen.
She leaves the room a sad little smile on her face and I know that she's hurt and that I'm the one doing the hurting.
Now that she's gone the room feels cold and empty. Without the sound of her heart beat, the sound of her soft breathing and the melody of her whispers as she sinuously moved beneath me, lost to this world. I'm still lying on my side trying hard to let myself feel what happened moments ago. I never thought that I'd admit even to myself that I miss her.
These thoughts aren't doing me any good, but sleep will. I should probably try that instead.
******
I've counted the seconds that kept me away from the moment when I could finally see her again. That's how deep into it I am. A quick shower and I am on my way to the small kitchen on the first floor, where Marie and I usually have our breakfast, together, preferably.
There she is, waiting for me it seems, standing by the counter a glass of milk sitting in front of her and a heart-breaking smile across her face.
My Marie.
__________________________________________________________
He looks at me like he's never seen me before and could totally get used to that. He looks so handsome, though. He truly does. I try hard to prevent that stupid grin from stretching across my face but my lips seem to have a will of their own and I feel them curve in a way I have never experienced before.
He's trimmed his sideburns a bit; it's the first time I see him without the overgrown muttonchops, and he's just stunning.
He looks so much younger and I just can't seem to take my eyes off his face. He looks timeless, ageless like that, but he has this quality about his face, something noble, distinguished. From the shape of his nose and the set of his eyes, the turn of his lips and that strong, high brow... It all makes me think of those old portraits in museums, those of British or French lords in full regalia, posing on a warhorse or something. He could easily have been one of those. He was born more than a hundred and fifty years ago and he still looks like he's in his early thirties. Who knows what Logan was before?
I should probably stop thinking about this, it won't get me anywhere. Logan is Logan and that's all there is to it.
A resounding "Good morning Rogue!" startles me out of my daydream and I mentally curse at whoever broke my reverie. And bad point for me, it's Miss Munro. I didn't even recognize her voice, gosh! It seems I can't access my borrowed powers and in this case, enhanced hearing, when I start daydreaming about a certain man clad in trade mark tight jeans, white tank top and flannel shirt, although the Professor taught me how to control my skin and how to summon any power I have in stock whenever I need it. Well it just seems I'm just helpless when thoughts of Logan invade my mind, and that happens quite a lot lately; I just cannot seem to focus on anything.
" Morning Miss Munro" I reply as naturally as I can manage given the other person present in the room, trying hard to hide the blush caused by brand new scene displays before my mental eyes. Images of Logan and I to be more precise. Of last night if you want to be specific.
She looks at me suspiciously and I can even see a raised eyebrow as she slowly turns to greet Logan.
I blush even harder seeing as the weather goddess seems to be in on something and I instantly try to find something to do with my hands. God, I'm such a girl!
She looks at me once more and then at Logan and takes whatever she's come to get and disappears from the kitchen, a significant smile on her lips. Could it be any more awkward? Was I so obvious? Somebody kill ma now...
Now it's Logan's turn to stare at me with an identical smile as he walks up to the fridge. He had remained silent as he observed my weird lapse in social behavior. Suddenly his gaze is too heavy to bear and I lower my eyes automatically.
Last night. Was it for real? His whispered encouragements during those countless hours, his kisses, everything he told me, everything I'd been dreaming of since we hooked up in Canada. But now what? The last thing he said is that he was sorry. Sorry for what? Sorry for giving me what I really wanted? Sorry because he could never give me more than what we shared last night? Oh no, please God, no. If that's what he's thinking, I don't if I'll ever be able to face him again.
I look up, knowing that he's not facing me now. I watch him scan the loaded shelves for something to eat, something a Wolverine could make his breakfast with and that surely does not include caffeine or toasts. The wolverine is an unmistakable meat eater and beer drinker even early in the morning. I look at his back as he leans casually an elbow on the fridge door, his forehead pressing lightly into the crook of his elbow. I know he can sense what I'm feeling but he doesn't turn around or try to talk. He just stands there, eyes darting about in the white light of the fridge.
I lower my eyes again to the glass of milk on the counter and gulp it down in an effort to wash away all of my present doubts.
I need to break the silence because the situation is driving me nuts. C'mon Rogue, think of something, anything, just speak, okay?
I gather my strengths and force a casual behavior.
"Did you manage to get some sleep?" Yeah, good see? Now keep it up babe.
"..."
Alright, no answer. No need to panic. No. Panic.
"I haven't told you yet, but thanks for last night. It was... you know...just thanks."
His back is still turned but he finally speaks. His words are just a whisper but he knows I can hear them clearly anyway.
"What happened... it shouldn't have. I shouldn't have. I'm sorry."
Oh dear God in Heaven, no, not that. Just don't give me that! It was supposed to be a light, nice little conversation after a wonderful night. He's supposed to tell me how he's missed me, supposed to hug me, kiss me even. So why is it turning into the Morning of Doom?
"What do you mean?" I say, trying to buy some time trying to figure out what this is happening right now.
"I mean it...it was a mistake and I'm sorry about that kid."
What? Did he just call me 'kid'? NO, I cannot believe this is happening. This is un-fucking-believable!
"A mistake, huh?"
No answer. I suddenly feel a fury I never ever felt before. It's just burning me up with the need to hurt something...or someone. I can't stop myself.
"So what? Too much of a coward to turn around and say this to my face? You just woke up and remembered something, that you don't do kids after all? Or is it the fact that it was actually me, and now that you've had a taste, you decided..."
He cuts me off almost immediately, though.
"Don't do this Marie, please don't. You know it's not it... You don't understand."
Now he's facing me and I can see the hurt, plain in his eyes, and I just *know* I've hurt him. My voice was steady, mean and resentful and I didn't expect to spit my worries out at him like that.
"You're wrong if you think that..." He doesn't finish and just stands here, exhaustion and frustration written all over his face as he leans his hands down on the counter across from me, messy hair block out his face.
I can see his eyes, though, and they seem heavy, haunted. But I can't seem to stop, this hurts too damn much. I can't fight it. If it has to end, I'd rather it end right here and now.
"Do what? What the fuck is it that you don't want me to do, Logan? You just sleep with me and then you dump me on my ass the morning after? And now what, you're looking for compassion? My God, I should have known... That's why you said you were sorry last night? But what exactly are you sorry for, uh? Tell me Logan! Tell me!"
__________________________________________________________
She’s there right before me and I can’t help the feeling of self-loathing pressing against my lungs. How can I explain that I can’t do this to her, not when she’s so young, still so vulnerable?
She's in love with a man she thinks I am, but know too damn well that I’ll never be. I can’t let her fool herself about what the deal is if she wants to be with me.
I Plead, beg for understanding hoping she will offer this to me, but all I feel in her is the pain I didn’t want her to feel. I can see tears in her eyes but her voice is strangely harsh. She doesn’t seem to understand that I’m hurting as she is; but I have no choice. If we keep going down that path all she’ll get is pain and disappointment. Have I already gone too far? I desperately try to reverse time.
She walks to me in an attempt at reading me better I guess, see if she can smell a lie on me and I brace myself for whatever she needs to throw at me, even if it hurts. I know I owe her an explanation, but the words can’t seem to come to me right now. The only I can think of are “I’m sorry” and I’m afraid it won’t be enough, not for Marie.
Author's Notes:
Things are getting darker!
Warning!!: disturbing scenes and thoughts described!!!
You sensitive soul shall not be reading unless you like hurting yourself.... Your responsability!
Thanx so much for all the nice reviews and sorry for keeping you waiting for so long. And sorry, because Jean doesn't die, well not right away...or maybe not, I still don't know.
Hope you enjoy this one too.
Reviews are my daily bread... (*g*)
PS: I own nothing at all
Chapter 2
I never knew I could feel like this again, so free, so alive and absolutely sure that tomorrow can only be brighter. In fact, it only happened once, when I got back to her after months of nothingness, stuck in a vain quest. Everything that does not include her presence next to me is vain, I know. It scares me out of my mind to see how much I need her, yet I keep thinking that she deserves so much better than anything I can bring her, so much better than me.
Her arms are tightly wrapped around my chest, hands closing on my heart. I know she has her ear on my back listening to the poundings of that old heart of mine. I had to wait more than a century to finally meet her in this rat hole in the North.
How many lives have I lived? How many men died at my hands and at those claws? I’ve been hurt almost a million times, killed maybe even more times but I always healed... survived; even this, the andamantium and all the shit that suits it.
But I believe that if I did, it only was to be able to meet her, then all this mess would at least make some sense. I don’t really believe in destiny, though. Yet all those coincidences, our suiting mutations, the bond that not even Xavier could explain, they must have a sense. Does every single thing has to make sense? Why don’t I just live this new life to its fullest? With her; Marie.
We drive until darkness starts to stretch its velvet veil once more on the virgin sky. We haven’t spoken a word since we left nor have we stopped. We drove as to forget the things we’re leaving behind and I feel guilty about tearing her apart from the world she finally got used to. How much do I have to take from her to be satisfied? I want her whole, I want her for me alone. Is it too much? Am I too much?
We should find some place to spend the night; I can’t make her miss some most needed sleep. The faint lights of a city afar are welcome after such a long time without seeing any sign of life on this deadly cold road. I knew she was cold during all our way but she never complained. She just held on to me without exactly moving and sometimes I needed to concentrate on her heartbeats to make sure she was still with me.
I make it to a shabby little motel that reads ‘vacancy’ written with blue neon lights. I put out the engine and wait a few seconds before standing on my feet. Marie holds me even tighter and I can feel her bury her face between my shoulder blades. I squeeze her fingers lightly and swing my leg over the motorbike still holding her hand. She stands and walks after me barely able to stand straight. The guy at the front desk doesn’t really acknowledge our presence. He just throws a couple of keys on the worn out counter and mutters gruffly ‘twenty five bucks cowboy’. I try not to pay too much attention to my itching knuckles and draw the little money I have in my wallet and put the crumpled ‘twenty five bucks’ in exchange of the keys.
The room number: 1845. Ironic, huh? It’s my supposed year of birth. Yeah, it is damn too ironic. Marie notices and smiles at me innocently. She’s in fact one of the few who really know about it. In fact one of the three except me. Inner circle.
I can see the shadows under her eyes; she’s exhausted but she won’t say a word. She walks past me inside the room. One big bed, a table on which reigns an old fashioned phone, and a TV that certainly matches the antiquity on the table across from it.
Marie throws herself unceremoniously on the bed and then turns around on her back lifting her arms to me, beckoning. I obey the silent order and creep up in her embrace and fall in a dreamless sleep.
__________________________________________________________
Do you believe in God or in destiny?
I mean, do you believe in the things that are just meant to be?
He’s in my arms right now in a motel room in the middle of nowhere and I wonder how things turned out to become what they are now. Is it a trial? Does it happen to test the depth of our love? Were we wrong?
What the Professor said and the way he said it makes me think that maybe, just maybe we were.
Don’t get me wrong it doesn’t change my feelings but I can’t help but feel wrong, like I disappointed everyone back there. I can’t help but feeling unsecure about tomorrow and I just know I can’t tell Logan about it because he’d only worry and I don’t want him to.
But I’m realistic, though. We don’t have money, we don’t have anywhere to go and I know Logan damn too well to sense the cage fighting stuff to make some money not so far.
Is it what I wanted?
Welcome to the real world Rogue.
I’d better say goodbye to the few dreams I still cherished because it’s going to be one hell of a life. That’s one of the reasons I didn’t want to leave at first, when Logan told me once that we could live what we share with less pressure if we left the mansion. At the time, I could only think of our comfort and about all the things this place was bringing, and I don’t only talk about the material aspect. We had a family there but we had to leave because they couldn’t understand; they wouldn't. Or was it our fault? Should we have waited a little bit longer; until I was older, ready in my heart and my body to be with someone like Logan?
If I think of it, I’m the one who started it all. If there’s someone to blame it’d be me. I know Jean would say I lured him, attracted him with my innocence. But with all the shit I have in my head, I can swear there’s no trace of innocence; a lack of experience, yeah, but innocence, certainly not.
I was in love with him from the very first minute and if I didn’t sense that his thoughts could meet mine at a certain point, I wouldn’t have taken my chance and telling him how I felt.
There were all those things he did for me or because of me, and it made me feel different, in a very good way. He was kind and always showed concern; he never treated me like a freak. He never flinched even when my skin was poisonous.
And then he gave me his dog tags; that moment I knew he was giving me something more. Come on, the man had nothing, not since all his belongings exploded in that old camper! And even then he didn't possess much. These were all he had, his past, his future, all he was, and he gave them to me, hello?
So I cherish them, I have them all the time around my neck, nestled between my breasts.
That’s what may have shocked Dr. Grey. That and the fact I was visibly naked under my fluffy blanket and stuck on Logan’s bare chest, yeah, I can see why now. It’s perfectly clear. Ahem...where was I?
So I told him; one week ago, after he returned from Alkali lake. I told him I loved him in the most girlish, most embarrassing kind of way. He was genuinely pleased, well I don’t know if it’s the word, but he responded quite *positively*.
I never thought of Logan that way, I never could imagine he would be so loving, but, hey, who will complain? It was so simple, though; maybe too simple.
So what do we have now? I have him, and he has me, shouldn’t it be enough?
Is it what I truly wanted? And what about him? What does he think about it?
Am I ever going to be enough for him?
I’m not going anywhere here, I really should get some sleep because I’m *really* out of it.
__________________________________________________________
Another day brings a new life, that’s what people say, don’t they? I’d better go and get us something to eat before she wakes up starving.
How much do I have left? Not even a hundred. I need to find a solution, something, anything. This city isn’t in the cage fight circuit so we’ll have to move soon. I never thought I'd go back to this life, not with Marie with me.
I wonder what she’ll say about it. It’s all I can do; hurt and kill. I’m a fucking killing machine, and she’s with me regardless of all that shit. Does she know what it takes to *be* with *me*?
I get up without a noise and flee through the cigarette-paper-thin door. The guy at the front desk is still there, sleeping more or less, I think.
Outside, the cold winter light welcomes me with an unknown familiarity. There’s a small supermarket on the opposite street. What does she like? What she doesn’t? I am clueless. Guess I should know things like that, uh? What am I doing to her? What made us take this step to something else? Damn, she’s only seventeen! She’s just a kid. The Professor was right...What kind of animal am I?
*******
She’s still asleep when I get back, the sweetest smile on her lips. She makes me want to join her and share some of her present happiness.
Then she frowns a little; she smelled me. She finally makes a good use of the *me* she has in her head. Baby, please don’t wake up, you’re so peaceful right now, I don’t want to ruin it.
She frowns once more and I see her eyelids pressing tighter one on the other.
The wake of Marie.
“Hey beautiful.”
“Hey handsome. I didn’t even hear you leave. ” She says stifling a yawn.
“How’re you feeling?”
“Better now.”
“Better? What do you mean?” What the...?
“Nothing, I just felt a little strange, but I’m all better now that you’re here.”
Okay, it’s true her scent has changed a little, but it’s nothing to be worried about, right?
“If there was something wrong, you’d tell me?”
“Yeah, don’t worry Logan, okay? I’m fine, I just need a shower, and a breakfast, in that order.”
She winks at me and makes it to get off the bed.
“I didn’t find anything that looked like pancakes in that grocery and there’s no diner or restaurants around, so I just picked a few stuffs.”
Her voice now echoes from the shower corner. “I don’t drink beer. Hope you have something a girl like me can eat.”
As I don’t answer, she peers out the shower door an amused smile playing on her face as splashes water in my direction with one hand.
“Want to join me?”
And 'no' is just not an option because I can already feel my morning condition responding for me.
I dress off as I look at her looking at me with expectation written all over her beautiful face. She leans on the metal door frame biting at her lower lip in an inviting way. Is she aware of what she does? Because this look in her eyes could get any man into serious trouble. But it’s just me, so it’s okay.
She steps back as I enter the small space of the shower cabin almost taking it entirely for me. She leans on the far tiled wall, clearly hesitating, tempted.
Warm steam is like a veil between us, hot water dripping on our skins. I approach slowly and turn her around by her shoulders laying a soft kiss at the base of her neck. Her hands are on the tiled wall before her now , head slightly turned as to see what comes next.
The scent of her arousal is almost intoxicating in the small space filled with steam, like enhanced by it. I take the small washcloth she has in her hand, pour some liquid soap on it and start to wash her body, starting by her front as I press myself against her back.
I go slow, really slow; I want to feel each and every part of her body reacting to this new kind of touch. She doesn’t move but her erratic breath tells me she appreciates my ministration.
I allow my hands to go lower, closer to Heaven and I stop right above that secret place of hers.
It seems like eternity before she turns around. She takes back the washcloth and graces me with the same loving care I was giving her body minutes before, and she does it with a kind of awe in her eyes, almost admiration.
She doesn’t look at me in the eye, though. I’d like to know what she’s thinking right now but I don’t want to break the sacred silence around us.
Her small hands roam over my chest and my stomach going lower and lower before they stop completely. With her head leaning against my chest, she makes me turn around so that my back is now facing her, her head leaning between my shoulder blades and her hands over my pounding heart. She presses her body to my back no longer trying to make her hands move and I know something is happening right now, something she couldn’t realize before now.
I have to speak, ask if she’s alright. I turn around and lift her chin to connect our eyes but she avoids my gaze and I could swear I can smell her tears.
“Marie, you okay?”
She doesn’t answer and closes her eyes, shutting me out.
“Baby, tell me what’s wrong.”
My voice is pleading and weak. I lean down almost broken in two to meet her height.
That’s when she warps her arms around my neck and kisses me deeply.
Her taste has slightly changed since the last time we kissed. There is something going on inside her and it’s killing me to be clueless to what it is. But it affects her, that much I know. She's been strangely over reactive those past few days. I know a lot has happened but it's so much not like her...
Is it regret? Is it fear?
No, it’s not, it’s something else, more primal, deeper.
I feel her legs giving up on her as she slides limply from my arms. It's not good. What the…
"Baby, you hear me? Marie!" No reaction. "God Damnit, answer me!"
Still no answer. I burst out the shower cabin carrying her limp body in my arms and I deposit her as gently as possible on the bed. That’s only now that I can see the strange expression on her face. Her eyes are half closed and her lips slightly parted moving like she’s saying something. Her heart is awfully slow and I don’t know anything else to do but call her name and caress her face endlessly until she wakes up from whatever it is she’s in right now.
She shivers and spams, her lips blue, and I wrap her in the covers and curl my body around hers cradling her, rocking her back and forth.
She closes her eyes and for a minute I fear the worst, but she’s still with me, her heart tells me so. It’s starting to beat more normally, soft and steady. Oh God.
That’s only now I allow myself to fall apart. I can’t remember the last time I cried like now, tears of relief and utter fright at the same time.
__________________________________________________________
Logan? Where am I? What’s this place?
It hurts. So much. I'm bleeding. I'm dying.
It changes...Someone is lying on the ground in the distance.
Oh my God… Logan…No, Logan! Wake up! Please wake up…
Blood, pain and darkness.
His blood all around and the strong smell of fear and death.
Bullets screaming in the dim light. People giving their last breath. So young, so scared. Their voices screaming for help but no one comes, no one can hear them.
And there is Logan lying on the scattered ground, blood staining his blue uniform and splashed all over his handsome face. A huge dark hole in his chest, blood oozing from it in dark and thick rivers.
This place, it’s a battle field.
What am I doing here? Logan, please, I'm begging you, WAKE UP!
Somebody, help me…
Darkness…It hurts so much.
__________________________________________________________
She still doesn’t wake up. It’s been hours now. Oh God let her be okay. Whatever it is that we share, it’s too early to take her from me. The only reassuring thing is her steady heartbeats. What the hell is going on here? That’s not how it should be, not like I wanted it. Marie, don’t leave me baby.
Her heartbeats are alarmingly growing faster until her horror filled eyes shoot open.
“LOGAN!!” Her screams fills my body and I tense painfully.
“I’m here baby, I’m right here. It’s over, shhh…”
“Oh my God Logan… Don’t leave me! Don’t…”
“I won’t move, I promise. Marie, it was just a nightmare, you hear me? It’s all over now, look at me!”
“Oh God, you were dying and there was nothing I could do. Tell me you're ok, please Logan!” She sobs, choking, uncontrollably shaking, tears staining her pale face.
Was it one of my nightmares? I thought the Professor taught her how to lock them away from her own consciousness. Why now?
“I'm ok, I won’t die Marie…I promise”
I try to hush her promising everything and anything that crosses my mind; I want her better, and now! Because it’s starting to scare the hell out of me.
“There was blood everywhere and screams and gunshots. I thought I’d lost you.”
What the hell is she talking about?
She sobs until her lungs are almost emptied, clinging to me for dear life, nails planted in my upper arms. Whatever it was it must have been horrible and it crushes my heart to see her like this without being able to do anything.
“It’s okay, Marie. It’s over, you see? I’m right here, now calm down.”
I cradle her against my chest until her breathing returns to normal. After a long pause, I hazard “ We should eat something, it’s almost dark outside and you’ve been out for the whole damn day.“
“Yeah... So What is there for diner?”
Her sudden casualness reassures me a bit. I try to read her once more but I still can’t see or feel anything I can identify.
“You should get dressed first I think. Not that I’d complain about the view.”
She smiles weakly at the little tease and extends a hand to the covers she’s wraped in.
“Need a help?”
“No, it should be okay. Where are my clothes anyway?”
“At the foot of the bed, here. You sure you okay?”
“Yeah. Don’t worry. Just get your nice sculptured ass away enough from the covers so I can reach for my stuffs, will you?”
“Oh, so you do remember?” I ask playfully.
“How can I forget?” She mumbles under her breath, a shy smile curling up her lips.
I’d like to leave things at that but I just can’t. She fainted and stayed out too long to take it lightly. I need to know she's okay.
“Marie, what happened in the shower?”
“What, what happened? We were having a kind of…intense moment together. That might be why I’m so tired.”
Her tone is light, she doesn’t seem to remember much. Or she doesn't want me to worry too much. But too late, I am.
“Baby, you collapsed and stayed out for hours. And then there’s this nightmare that quite shook you, and saying now that I’m worried crazy is an understatement.”
“Logan... I don’t know... I don’t even know where this awful dream comes from. I’ve never seen anything like that even in your nightmares, it was so real.”
“I need to know, tell me what you saw, and it 'no' is not an option.” My voice sounds harsher than I truly intended. But I do *need* to know.
“I…I was on a battle field. There was blood and scattered bodies everywhere. You were there too. You seemed… Oh God, you seemed dead, for real, you had huge holes oozing dark blood in your uniform and blood splashed all over your face. Your eyes were still opened staring at some horrible nothingness... God...it was awful.”
She plunges to my chest and starts to sob harder by the moment. I try my best to sooth her but I’m helpless.
“A uniform?”
“Yeah, like those the Northerners wore during the civil war. I swear I’ve never seen anything like this. It was like I was living it, like it was me lying on the muddy ground feeling the life running out from my body. I was so afraid. And then it was like I could see the whole thing from another point of view, like I was an outside viewer. That’s when I saw that it wasn’t me but you soaking in your own blood…”
She stands and flees through the room and barely has the time to make it to the toilets.
All I can do is running after her and hold her hair as she empties herself from the whole sickening scene.
I just hope that there won’t be any other nightmare like this one. She doesn’t deserve it. Yet I still wonder where it all comes from. Was it one of my nightmares? I can’t remember being a soldier. But if the aging tests are exact, that could be a possibility.
Who knows what I could have been in more than a century of life? Being a soldier seems to suit me, though. Killings and screams and distress. Yeah, it could be me.
We spend the rest of the night in silence, worry biting at me. The fact that she collapsed in the shower still unexplained. Something is going real wrong here...God, let her be okay, whatever it is.
__________________________________________________________
I’m so tired!
I slept the whole damn day and I still don’t have the strength to raise a finger. Man that dream really scared me shitless. I’m tired but I’m afraid to fall asleep and see this all over again.
Was it real? Was it a part of Logan’s life? The part he can’t remember?
It seems so impossible, how could I have an easy access to memory his own mind can’t find.
Could he have passed them onto me at the same time as the others?
And how come it comes biting at me now, when I thought I had them sealed away in some dark folder of my head? Something is going wrong here, and I’d be glad to know what it is, and now wouldn’t be bad.
***********
The days pass and we move from place to place, and just like I knew; Logan is back to cage fighting again.
The late winter days are kind of bright up here. The motels are not too bad compared to those I sometimes slept in when I was on the streets, and the food is not bad either.
So I guess we’re just fine. Well as fine as we can be given our situation.
As I hoped, the dream never came back. I’m glad.
It’s been three whole weeks now and our relationship grows stronger day by day.
The only regret I have is that I can’t help Logan much.
I can’t work and my strengths often play tricks on me.
I’m not sick, but sometimes lifting a single finger requires more than I can give. According to Logan I lost a lot of weight. He's worried like crazy, even though I tell him I'm okay. I’m ashamed to let him support the both of us; I feel like such a burden. As there’s no kitchen here, I can’t even cook. Not like I’m a Chef or something, but you know, just to show I’m grateful.
*******
Logan wakes up early in the morning and doesn’t come back before 1 or 2 am, after his 'night session'. He has a regular job out of town as a lumberjack but he says it's not enough. So after the sun sets, he goes fighting, beating the living piss out of some rednecks.
With the money of his first winnings, he bought a small camper that makes me think of the one that burst a few hours after our first encounter. The main difference is that the ‘new one’ is much more…how could I say that? Decent. Yes, that’s the word. It’s more decent; really cozy in some ways, intimate. It’s us.
**********
Well there’s nothing I can really do to pass the time so I buy second hand books with the little money I saved from my monthly allowance at Xavier, and read until my eyes hurt too much to go on. I think I’ve never read that much at school despite the fact I really was a library rat at the time.
School…
I wonder how the others are doing right now. It’s not like I often think about them but you know I’m not that insensitive. I sometimes take time to think about others than myself.
So all in all life is good, well despite that tiredness that bites at me every now and then.
Logan does great too. He’s less, gruff in the morning and lets me watch TV and read as much as I want. He doesn’t ask me anything, really. I’m feeling like a spoiled little brat and not like an equal, a partner.
*That* pisses me out; really. But what can a seventeen-year-old-girl can do to support the man she loves? I think I’ve never been that aware of my age, of what it means and what it prevents me from.
Who am I kidding? It's not fine, it's not dandy, and I'm scared. I've been noticing a few changes. That and the fact that I'm a little bit late...I think I should tell Logan but it’s a little embarrassing to talk about that; I need to be sure first. I need to get a pregnancy test. To be more precise, I feel like shit every single morning...
The more I try to hide it, the more suspicious Logan gets.
My smell must be different although he keeps telling me he never smelled anything that good. Well I personally think I stink a little, well recently. Hormones, hey! Everything stinks when I come to think of it, even food; there are times I can’t even eat.
What do we do if the test is positive? Are we ready for that?
Am I ready to be that: a mother? Oh God, don't even mention it...
I can't help it, I'm scared and I can't tell Logan. I can't do this to him, he's trying so hard. I don't know what to do. What will he do with a seventeen-year-old pregnant girl on the road?
__________________________________________________________
She’s prettier every day, and her scent holds now a sweeter note than usual, like mango and vanilla it seems. Where does that come from?
There’s also a new light in her eyes, like a new life spreading through her whole body. I need to be sure. If it is what I think it is, then I’ll be the happiest man in the whole damn world. Yet I can’t help but feel that I’m really stealing something from her: her youth and her innocence; her life. I know someday I’ll have to pay for whatever it is that I’m putting her through.
I never told her why I loved her or why I took her on my truck at first, I was too afraid of her reaction, afraid that she’d laugh at my face. The big bad Wolverine moved to tears by some teenager girl with big brown eyes and thick southern accent.
But that’s partly the reason why I am with her now, why I couldn’t wait to claim her as mine: My Marie, and no one else’s. I say partly because going for a full length explanation would take two lifetimes, and I don’t have the time; no, she doesn’t have the time.
The weather is great today despite the coldness of the air and the snow. I’ve rent a comfortable cabin by the Canadian border and try as much as I can not to be too much on the move. I want Marie to feel she has a tangible home, not just some shabby motel rooms and days and nights on her own waiting for me to come back from whatever I’ve found to make money. I just want to make her happy, as much as it is possible for someone like me.
She never complains, though. She’s all smile and mischievousness; she does what she can to make me feel at home too. But what she seems to ignore is that anywhere is home for me, as long as she’s there.
She decided to cook some Spanish dish today; I don’t know what it is but it’s kind of smelling good. I can’t remember the name of it but I’m sure it’s worth the shot.
Something’s wrong though, in her scent, I can smell…fear. What the hell...?
“Marie? Hey, baby you afraid of frying it too much?”
I say teasingly, not wanting to sound too obviously alarmed. She doesn’t respond, looks at something that doesn’t seem to be in the kitchen, that very same void expression in her eyes as in the motel room weeks ago.
“Hey, you still with me?” I ask cautiously.
Still no answer. Okay, time to panic. I can hear her heart slow down deathly, her skin progressively taking a grayish aspect. I just have the time to catch her as she falls to the floor. I cut the gas stove and rush to the room lying her on the bed.
What the hell is going on? Not that, not again!!
“Marie, baby talk to me, please, stay with me. I try to shake her a little in a desperate attempt to bring her back to me, but nothing happens.
Her eyes are still staring at some nothingness. She coughs frantically and it smells blood. I scan her body in search of any injury, but there’s none to be found.
What the hell? Blood starts to pool in her mouth and long neat cuts appear on her arms and between her knuckles and start to bleed.
In the blink of an eye, Marie is lying in my arms dripping blood as cuts on her body open and close alternatively. I can see her mouth something, it’s my name, she’s calling me.
“I’m here, Marie, wake up!”
I hear myself shout at top of my lungs as I try inefficiently to stop the blood loss with towels and sheets. Her heart starts to slow down more than dangerously; I need to do something, anything!
“Baby, touch me, I need to heal you, okay, put your skin ‘on’! You hear me? Put your skin ‘on’!”
I touch her face, nothing happens. She’s still bleeding and her breath is just a mere whisper, she’s leaving me…
NO WAY!
“Put your fucking skin ‘on’ Marie, I need to heal you!!”
Still no deadly pull, nothing but the smell of her blood all around me.
“No, Marie, don’t leave me! Don’t, I forbid you! God damn it; Marie, stay with me!”
Her eyes close softly as I hear her exhale her last breath. Then all of a sudden, her heartbeats grow faster until it almost bursts out of her chest and she opens eyes wide in horror as the remaining cuts on her skin knit back progressively.
I need help here. I need a fucking help right here and right now!
“Baby, you hear me? It’s over, I’m here, look at me. It’s over now.”
She blinks tiredly but still doesn’t recognize me it seems. Her skin is so cold but she breathes again, finally.
I hold her close and start to cry uncontrollably. This is my entire fault, whatever it is that is happening to her, I must be the one to blame. This is my reward for taking her when I shouldn’t.
Now, I’m paying. No she’s paying, for me.
I need help, and this help whether I admit it or not, is at the mansion. I never thought I’d have to go back there. But it’s not about me, it’s all about her, and I’m powerless now more than ever.
She shouldn’t be the one to pay for my sins.
“Marie, you hear me? We got to go. We’re going back to the mansion, we need help, I just can’t leave you like that, I don’t know what to do.”
She doesn’t answer, her eyes still vacant, her skin paler than death itself. I try my best to clean her up and dress her, take her to the truck and drive like a mad man.
She’s lying at the back of the truck, lifeless it seems. She can’t leave me, never, she’s mine.
I didn’t even call once in the past months, I had absolutely no reason to do it. Last time I checked, I was the one who stole a student’s virginity and smashed all the doors closed behind me like I was all righteous.
Now I bring her back scattered and used and pregnant; there’s no doubt she is. I've ruined her.
It's hard to go back but I don't care.
For her I'd burn myself and offer her my ashes, for her I’d go to hell and back; if that could save her.
Author's Notes:
Hey, I've been missing you guys!
Chapter 3 available!
//...//: marks the telepaths' thoughts.
Warning: very dark and disturbing emotions described (you can blame me for that), so all ye sensitive souls be warned!
Poor Jean... It's all I got to say...
Where am I? What’s this house?
This woman, I know her face, she’s beautiful, I feel so safe in her arms.
I can’t move, all I can do is look at her peaceful features. I love her; so much.
“James… I will call him James, like his father…”
James, who is James?
“Look at those eyes, have you ever seen anything like that?”
“He has your eyes, he looks like you, so much. Thank you my love.”
The voices left. It’s so cold now. I’m alone in a room and I’m afraid.
Gunshots.
**************
I arrive too late. Blood on my hands; they are so small. It hurts; the claws, they hurt like hell fire.
“What are you…?”
Her voice speaks to me, clouded with fear and sheer disgust. She hates me. I love her so much, and now she hates me.
It hurts. Please, forgive me…
She won’t ever; it’s clear in her eyes. I killed.
I killed and now, I run. That’s all I have left. I run not to see the animal I have become. Not to see her eyes filled with hatred and fear and disgust.
That’s when the pain began. That’s when it all began, a long way to hell.
Mother…
__________________________________________________________
The Xavier’s School for the Gifted. I’m bringing her back to a place she never ever should had left, not with someone like me.
The entrance gates are surprisingly opened, like waiting. The Professor’s voice reaches for me:
//Bring her in.//
No one to be found, it’s the middle of the night. Marie is in my arms, wrapped in a flannel cover and she’s so cold that anyone else who touches her now would think she’s dead; but I hear her heart beating slowly. She’s still with me.
The Professor’s waiting for me in the Med Lab with a strange expression on his face, far different from the scowl on it as I left his office months ago; is it pity?
He seems on the verge of tears as he sees me entering the metal walled room.
I lay Marie down on the examination table and without a word Xavier is by her side, settling his two hands next to her head; he doesn’t look at me, ignores my presence.
I watch him close his eyes and take that familiar attitude when he tries to reach out for some lost mind. He suddenly frowns, deep, and opens his mouth as to say something but nothing echoes. He seems to be suffering the unbearable, turning his head from left to right over and over again and then he lets go, sweat pearling on his forehead and hands shaking.
He wheels past away from me and says in a low whisper:
“I can only wish that we still can do something…”
I swallow the questions that pop up in my desperate mind; hard but they don’t leave me, it’s no use to speak anyway, not with Xavier.
“She seems to be trapped in a sort of nightmare and it seems that her mind plunged her in a coma in order to shield her from the mental pain she’s going through. That is your nightmare, Logan. You were everywhere in her mind, your face appeared in each thought. I’ve never felt so much pain in my whole life; and I…”
He hesitates. I want to know, how did this happen?
“What’s happening to her…?
“She’s in a very deep coma, Logan. And as long as I don’t know why she lost control over the foreign thoughts in her head, I don’t think I can bring her back. As much as I dislike the thought of it, you’ll eventually have to tell me everything that happened with her and since when she showed troubles in controlling your nightmares.”
“I’ll cooperate; I’ll tell you anything you want to hear.”
“Well, now that she’s here, she’s safe again. Do not approach this room unless you are told but stay alert, we still don’t know the gravity of the situation and she might need you by her side as much as she could lose even more control over your memories if she feels you too close.” The Professor makes a very long pause before adding, “How did this happen? I was sure she was safe from those painful things, I helped her building the walls…And now… What did you do to her?”
I suddenly feel the ground disappear under my feet, I fall and there’s nothing to catch me. I can’t suppress the urge to shout and beat and cut; anything not to feel the void digging inside my chest, where my heart fights for a beat.
“She...M…Rogue is pregnant…”
“Oh God…” is Xavier’s answer, eyes closed tight and jaws clenched.
******************
Time… is just a figure. That’s what she told me one day. Time is nothing.
So why do I feel the need to go back and change everything, every damn decision I made until now? Why do I feel the visceral need to ask whoever it is that has our lives in his hands for some more time; just a little more time, with her?
I’m alone now in the room they gave me, it’s cold and dark. I’m curled up on a bed that doesn’t hold the sweet scent of her skin; I’m alone for the very first time since I met her, listening to the silence all around me.
What can I do? I want to be with her; no, I need to be with her, by her side, no matter what happens or what they say.
I can’t breathe without her; I’m a dead soul in an unbreakable body.
I decide to go back to the Med Lab I never should have left.
The sounds of machines beeping in alarm make my heart rate speed up to an unbelievable rhythm. I see Jean running across the room, a blue haired creature standing next to Marie, calling her name desperately, pumping firmly her rib cage with his huge blue hands.
Her back arches to the ceiling, eyes open wide, gasping, searching with her hands. All monitors are showing red flat lines, I shout, reaching out for her, throwing the blue creature to one corner of the room, I cry, claws sliding out.
Marie’s looking at me, distress written all over her face and then her hand grabs my forearm with a strength I didn’t know she had.
I feel my muscles hurt under the pressure her fingers apply. And it starts; the deadly pull at everything that’s inside of me. She’s draining me with all her might. I’m disappearing in her.
But there’s something else. She’s giving me something, she pushes as much as she pulls; I feel it, it’s warm and soft and I want it to last forever.
No more pain.
Darkness...
__________________________________________________________
I saw him entering the room like a possessed man, claws out, eyes red and wild; ready to kill…or save.
I felt like I was going for good; I didn’t want to. I wanted to be with him again, feel his presence again.
What’s happening to me? His eyes are close to mine now; I remember them…
Mother.
His mother’s eyes. Was it a new nightmare?
It hurts so much, I’m so close, forgive me Logan, I’m begging you.
Images, smiles, tears, pain, faces and more hurt and pain and blood.
It all makes sense now.
They are not nightmares, they are your memories; all of them and I’m living them with the same intensity as you; it's new.
You died, so many times; your heart and body were reaped apart in the worst ways.
They all used you in one way or another.
No more pain. Now I know. I’ll shelter you. With one touch, I’ll shelter you from all of this.
“Rogue, NO!!”
__________________________________________________________
I hear the voices but it’s hard to open my eyes.
She touches me. If she holds a little longer, I know she’ll kill me.
Why? I deserve it anyway; I deserve to be unwanted, hated by her. But it’s not what I feel. Her touch is all about love and understanding, unconditional.
“I told you not to approach her!” the Professor’s voice, dark and laced with a now too familiar coldness, echoes in my head. I’m not dead, well my body isn’t anyway.
__________________________________________________________
“She touched him, Professor. If she hadn’t, she would be dead now; she had a heart attack.” Jean says almost screaming, her voice going skywards.
“What? Hank, it’s not…”
“Yes Charles, it is possible. A sudden rush of adrenaline in her blood when she woke up caused the heart to shock and answer the only way it can: constant acceleration, saturation and a fatal stop.”
“How is she now?”
“Stable but back to unconsciousness, well as what it seems.”
“I will see to that. Now let him out of here before something else happens.”
“Professor”, Jean’s voice, “I think he shouldn’t be moved, the healing process isn’t working as fast as it usually does. This time was severe… I suggest he just stayed here, I’ll keep an eye on him.”
“I can’t agree with that Jean and you know it better than anyone.”
“I know. Trust me.”
“…How did things end up to be what they are now, God, why?”
*******************
I hear everything they’re saying, they don’t know I’m here too.
What’s happening is none of Logan’s fault or mine. It just is.
The baby, I feel it draining me, drinking my life force, and it’s growing bigger every second, stronger than me.
I lost control when I first felt it. It was when Logan and I were on the road; I didn’t want to believe it first, but there truly was a life growing inside of me.
It is so strong; it’s always been, from the very first seconds.
Overwhelming.
The life that you put in me Logan, is overwhelming, and I’m going under, I don’t think I can survive this.
Forgive me love.
***********
They still are in the room, trying to figure out how to help me.
But how is Logan?
It didn’t work. I tried though, I tried my very best to convince him, but they wouldn’t let us.
“How do you explain the sudden loss of control over the memories, Hank do you have any theory?”
“I might need to run a few more tests but I’m pretty sure that the change in hormones rate in the body has had an influence on it. I could estimate the pregnancy at almost four months, but…”
“That’s impossible, they left less than two months ago!”
“I know, but remember that we have to take their mutations in consideration, and that certainly brings quite a lot of changes in the normal process. The child may have already manifested as a mutant.”
“We need to be sure if we want to help her. What about amniocentesis?”
“It would be too dangerous for the baby and we don’t know how Rogue’s body might react in case of a miscarriage.”
“Hank, we need to do something, anything to bring her back; I don’t know if her mind will be strong enough to face the assault of all of Logan’s memories. Even him had to mentaly shield himself from them. How could she…?”
“Charles, I’ll do everything I can to get her out of this mental hell she’s in, but I need time. According to what I could observe, time will soon be a thing we can no longer afford.”
“What do you mean?”
“Her body is like kept alive just enough to host the baby. I don’t know how it happened.”
“How much time, then?”
“I don’t know; a few more weeks or a month at most. We still could try to trigger labor but with so many variants in the equation, it might be lethal. The best would be to get her to wake up from her comatose state.”
“I’ll do my best, let us start now! Jean, I’ll need your help while Hank monitors Logan’s recovery. Are we ready?”
“Yes, Professor.”
*****************
They are entering my mind, the both of them.
I don’t want Jean in. She projects so much hostility that her mind feels like a sea urchin in mine.
The Professor projects something else. He’s worried and mad at Logan, like a father would be in fact. I’m surprised to discover those kinds of feelings in him. He’s been worried all the time we were gone. It’s so strong. I never felt any of his thoughts before, how come I can feel them so clearly now?
//Rogue, can you hear me?//
Yes, Professor. What’s going on?
//Thank God. It’s important Rogue, we need you to come back. Do you think you can?//
I guess, I don’t know. I’m afraid.
//We are here to help you if you need it. We’ll be there to guide you.//
I trust you. But Jean…
//What? Come my child, there’s no time to lose.//
Professor, what will happen to the baby? What if I can’t make it?
//Rogue, I know you can. I couldn’t reach you when you arrived a few hours ago and now we can talk. You can do it. We need you. The baby needs you.//
What about Logan. I’m sorry for what I did; it was so selfish. Is he okay?
//He will survive eventually, trust him for that. Now, take my hand.//
It hurts so much, Professor. The pain is everywhere. I just want it to end. Those nightmares, Logan’s memories, they all rage in my mind, I can’t control them; I’m scared. He'd suffer so much...I just wanted to protect him...Please Professor...don't hate him!
//We are here to help you control them again. Trust us.//
Jean?
//I’ll help you forget about it all, Rogue.//
//Jean? What are you doing?//
Jean? No! Don’t!
//You won’t remember any of those painful things, I swear, let me help you!//
//Jean!!//
NO!!!! Logan, help me!!
__________________________________________________________
Eight days have passed. Marie is still down there and I can’t see her. I was told that she woke up but they won’t let me see her. I don’t know what to do.
Maybe she tried to see me; maybe she even asked them for me. Why won’t they just let me see that she and the baby are okay?
God, it’s sheer torture.
I have to see her; I need to talk to the professor, now.
It’s morning and all the kids are in class now.
Strangely enough, nobody asked why I was back or where Marie was.
I have noticed that I am very carefully ignored by everyone, teachers and students alike, but I don’t care, I don’t fucking care about that.
The door to the Professor’s office is opened, Jean is with him, she looks strange and she really smells wrong. What the hell have been going on here during the past few days?
***************
“I’ve been waiting for you Logan. You took some time to come to me.”
“So you’ve been quietly waiting for me to make a move, see if I was worth seeing her?”
“Don’t get me wrong Logan, the matter *is* important.”
“What matter?”
“I think you should take a sit first.”
“Don’t give me that! I won’t fucking sit down whatever it is you got to tell me, now spit it!”
“As you wish. But I need to warn you that you won’t like what I have to tell you.”
“What happened? Is it ‘bout Rogue? What did you do to her?”
“She’s fine, and you will see her soon.”
“So what is it?”
“She forgot.”
“What she forgot?”
“Everything, Logan. She forgot everything that happened the past six months, and that includes her encounter with you; everything about you.”
******************
Oh God, no… Is that what they were planning to do? Erase her memories to keep her away from me? No, that’s not possible, She can’t have forgotten about us, never!
“what? It’s…”
“I’m sorry Logan…”
“What the hell did you do to her?”
My voice echoes in my throat in a painful saturated vibration; I’m shouting and I can’t control anything, nor the tears that are spilling out on my burning cheeks. Everything is red and I can feel the blades popping out from between my knuckles. I want to feel blood, now. I have never felt such a rage…
“Logan, please calm down…”
He’s afraid… It’s…damn good. I can taste his fear; it tastes divine. I can’t let go of him, they mustn’t see the beast, not now. I need to calm down...otherwise they'll never let me see her.
“What did you do to her, Chuck?”
“I didn’t do anything, Logan.”
“So you tell me that she just woke up and forgot everything ‘bout me just like that? You better not fool me old man.”
A strange voice echoes from the side of the room where Jean has been sitting all the time since I entered. It can’t be hers. I turn my face to take a better look at her, but that’s her, no doubt about it.
“I did it. She was suffering and her life was in danger. I did what was best.”
What the fuck…?
“You did what red?”
“I have locked her memories of you in the deepest side of her mind, where she can’t access them, consciously or not.”
“So you really have a death wish. Last time wasn’t enough for you? You needed to make sure no one would get in your fucking way?”
“Enough!”
“If that can be of any consolation to you Logan, she knows that she’s pregnant.”
“But you carefully erased the name of the father from her mind, didn’t you, you freakin’ bitch… I’ll make you pay for that, trust me about that…”
“Logan, please! Jean did what she thought was best and I have already told her everything I thought about her actions. Anyway, the most important thing there is to know is that Rogue is once again among us and fully awake. With your memories locked away from her, Hank has established a treatment that enables her to bear the baby in a much safer way.”
“What do you mean?”
“The baby was literally eating her alive. The tests run by Hank showed that it already manifested as a mutant. For instance, all we clearly know is that he grew faster than normal-at least three times faster-and that its blood attacked Rogues cells and system. With the treatment, the baby is now closer to the usual process, but there is still a risk for Rogue’s life.”
“A risk? Why don’t you just…you know… I won’t choose between her and an unborn child!”
“Because she asked for it. She wants to bear this child until delivery; and I respect her choice.”
“What are you telling me? She’s carrying a child that could possibly kill her; the child of a man she can’t even remember? Why didn’t you just take your chance to also empty her body from my filthy offspring while you were at it, uh? T’would‘a been easier!”
“Because even before she opened her eyes, her hands were protectively wrapped around her stomach, shouting loud and clear that no one touch her baby…” is Jean’s softly spoken answer; like she regretted not to be able to also do this to her.
***************
I promise myself one thing: I will make her pay for all of the things she’s done to Marie, and I will make sure that the pain makes her lose her mind.
I don’t look at her, I can’t. I need to be with Marie, now!
“Where is she?”
“She’s in a special room in an independent wing with all the needed medical equipment. We can go now if you wish it, but let me warn you: she might be very different from the person you used to know.”
“I don’t care. Just let me see her…”
I’m drained, I really am.
Come what may, all I want is to be by her side. And if it takes me forever to make her remember what we were, then so be it.
Author's Notes:
Thank you gus for the reviews, makes me want to give you the best!
Sorry for the sudden curves and turns in the story but I thought it would thrill you just a tiny bit (call me a teaser if you want, and well maybe I am!)
More to come and, yes, some happy feelings are there too. More happy lovey dovey Logan/Marie stuffs coming, I promise! (*g*)
It’s strange you know.
There’s a life inside me, filling me. Even if I want to be all alone, I can’t, and it reassures me in so many ways; I’ll never be alone now.
I’m a little afraid too, because I really don’t know when and in which circumstances this little thing happened to be settling down in my stomach.
I’m in a place I don’t remember coming at all, with people who show their concern about me but that I don’t know at all.
This man in particular showed me a very warm support, I like him. He’s in a wheel chair, he said his name was Xavier but he didn’t really tell me what I was doing here. Is it where I live? I can’t remember.
I was on the street for sometime after I ran away from home, going from town to town and making my way up to the North, and BANG! I’m in a kind of hospital-like room-too comfy to be a real hospital room, in fact-with a swollen stomach and a blank mind; quite too bewildering for my own taste.
I also was told that I had a kind of accident and that my pregnancy involved many risks and that was why there were all kinds of machines monitoring my vitals. I feel so serene, though, how could I be in danger?
********************
The weather is quite clear today and the sun shines high upon the snow covered gardens.
I’ve never seen such a beautiful place; it’s all so calm. I’ve spent the last few days reading, writing my impressions in a kind of diary -as Xavier suggested-and rest. But I’m not bored. It feels good in fact, like I haven't been able to do so for a very long time.
The Professor stays with me and gets me a ‘special class program’ everyday during one hour or two, depending on how I feel. He teaches me some stuffs like math, physics, ethics, and English, saying that I shouldn’t give up on education, and I’m grateful because I still can go to school in some strange way, and maybe one day, you never know, I’ll be able to go to college; it’s always been one of my dreams. Well in fact until my mutation popped its ugly head.
Maybe, just maybe, things can change here.
*****************
Somebody’s knocking on my door. I’ve already had breakfast, so that can only be the Professor.
I’m truly glad to see him, I like talking with him about all kinds of things, he has so much to teach me. Never knew myself as some knowledge geek, but never mind, nobody sees me anyway; it’s not like I was going to be seen as some kind of library freak by other students, because, hey! I’m alone in this room.
“Good morning dear, how are you feeling today?”
“Good morning professor. I’m beyond okay. Feels like I could run the marathon!”
The Professor chuckles quietly before adding “Rogue, I would like you to meet someone. He was one of the teachers here; one of your teachers. You were one of this school students before your accident.” The tone of his voice is light but I can see he's tensed, and he smells...odd. Whoever it is, he's not just anyone. Come on, nobody ever visited me except the Professor.
“Really? Oh, I can’t remember that… I’m sorry professor.” So frustrating!!
“If you don’t want to meet him, please feel free to say so. If you think it’s still too early to meet anyone, then we’ll wait until you are ready my dear.”
“It’s okay professor. Anyway it’s time for me to start recovering some memory, isn’t it? And if I can remember anything at all just by meeting people that knew me, then I’ll take my chance.”
*****************
Xavier turns his chair slightly towards the door waving a hand to someone I can’t see for instance.
What’s that smell? Why’s my heart fluttering like that? It smells so good.
A man crosses the door way and enters my room, eyes looking at the floor.
He’s tall, muscular, with worn out boots and jeans and a black flannel shirt, but his face doesn’t suit the gruff appearance at all. He’s handsome in a way that makes my breath hitch and my heart skip a whole bunch of beats.
“Rogue, allow me to introduce you to Logan. Logan, this is Rogue.”
The man lifts up his gaze to meet mine.
Oh dear God, why my head’s feeling so funny now? And the baby won’t stop spinning inside me. Something inside my chest is shrinking till discomfort. I feel like I’m about to faint. The baby’s kicking me so hard; it’s the first time, what the hell is going on?
“Rogue? Dear are you alright?”
My stomach hurts like hell! Rogue, calm down! Come on, don’t lose it, you heard me?
“Yes, I’m okay, it’s just, you know…”
“If it hurts please do not hesitate to tell me.”
“Yes, I know, thank you professor, but I’m okay. Glad to meet you Mister Logan.”
I extend one shaking hand to his direction and it takes him some time to realize that he left it hanging in the air. He seems far away, lost in his thoughts. After long seconds, he finally reaches for my hand and squeezes it gently, like he’s afraid to break it.
Unexplainable butterflies fly wild in my chest and stomach at his touch.
The professor told me that I learned how to put my killer skin ‘off’ before…well before I forgot I could.
After a few training sessions with him I can control it again now.
But this is quite new. I’m afraid to hurt Logan, afraid to lose control, so I disengage my hand before my skin flips ‘on’ again.
That’ strange; and it scares me. I really don’t want to hurt him. Why?
The man doesn’t speak. He doesn’t say ‘hello’ or ‘nice to see you again’; nothing but a painful silence and a weird expression darkening his features.
My first visit outside the Professor’s and the man doesn’t seem that enthusiastic to see me back from the dead.
I heard it was quite an accident, but looking at that man, it seems that I shouldn’t have woken up at all, like I made a mistake. Well damn him!
Why am I making such a fuss about it anyway? Come on, I don’t know the guy!
But that smell; it’s coming from him, wave after wave. It changes a little as his face seems to open up again.
“Hey kid. Feels good to have you again.”
Wait a minute, what’s that? ‘Kid’?
“Yes…I…guess I’m back.”
Just too weird! One second before he was all secret and silence city on me, and now what? His face is a subtle scenery, filled with concern and untold thoughts and feelings. It’s so unnerving! I can’t help but feeling that there’s something no one tells me.
“I wanted to check on you earlier but… How’re you doing?”
“I’m okay, I guess, thank you Mr. Logan, that’s nice to ask.”
“No Mr. Logan with me kid. I’m just Logan.”
“’kay…Logan.”
After a long pause he adds:
“How…is the baby? I was told that it was kind of serious, but if you think it’s too personal…”
“No. No, it’s okay. The baby is quite well; guess it’s doing fine. It’s just trying to kick its way out of my stomach right now, but I guess it’s a good sign.” of what, I don't know!
I wince a little at the uncomfortable feel of hard kicks from inside. It seems like they are stronger since the Logan guy began to speak.
“Yeah, I’m glad to hear that.”
*****************
It seems like eternity before one of them speaks again, but then the professor finally breaks the awkward silence.
“Rogue, if you wish to have some rest, we can leave. I will come back later. If you need anything dear, just let me know.”
“Thank you professor. I will. And yes, I guess some rest is a good idea, this little one is giving me the hardest time ever.”
“I will send Hank immediately. Forgive me; maybe it was too early for visits after all.”
“No! No, don’t worry. It was very nice. I see that I eventually had a life before everything and it’s important to me Professor.”
“Alright; I won’t be far anyway.”
“Thank you Professor, for…for everything. Thank you Mist… uh, Logan.”
“You don’t have to thank me kid. I’ll be around if you need anything, I promise.”
Wow. Is it normal? Well, hello, he’s supposed to be just a teacher!
“Okay, Logan.” I try a weak smile as they both leave the room.
The baby has stopped its kicking and the butterflies seem to be under control again… It’s. Really. Strange.
__________________________________________________________
Seeing her like that just about killed me!
I could feel her, feel our baby, the way their bodies reacted to my presence, I could swear they were! But she was looking at me like I was a stranger.
‘Mr. Logan…’
Damnit Marie!
I’m powerless in all that shit; I can’t even reach out for her. I’d do anything to hold her in my arms again.
But I can’t tell her...
*********************
I’ve been thinking, maybe it’s better to let her forget about me, letting her go on without me.
But when I feel it; our bond; stronger than her, stronger than me, I wonder how I could have wanted such a thing.
She… She’s mine for fuck’s sake! She’s expecting *my* baby and that makes her twice as mine. I know I sound like a selfish creep but I can’t help it; I need her, I need her to remember.
She was nervous this morning, her scent talked about expectation and confusion, and damn, her body remembered me, that much I could tell!! And that *is* damn encouraging.
I won’t give up on her.
But what if she actually didn’t want to remember anything about me? What if it was too painful?
I must confess that our story is nothing like a movie romance, and as far as I know, I’ve only brought pain her way. It all started with a simple sentence:
“I think I love you Logan.”
That’s what she said; those simple words and I was helpless. She had me. And I did the unthinkable: I bent down and kissed her with all I had; it was in the rec room one night when everyone was out for some cinema session.
I couldn’t think of anything but being with her then, *in* her; and I actually was *in* her barely a week later.
*****************
I realize that I never thought about her, I mean, making sure that she is okay despite the shit I put her through doesn’t make it right; it’s not fair.
I didn’t put the things she needed first. I was so lonely, for so long, I was in love with her even before I laid my eyes on her, back in that freaky bar in Laughlin City.
Her presence was all around me and I guess that’s what earned me a few blows from that dick head; my mind was already with her and I was distracted.
After that long journey to find out about my past, the need to hold on to something tangible, lead me to her when I came back to the mansion. I told myself that I shouldn’t approach her or think about her, but she came to me and the last remnant of willpower I had vanished when I heard those words: “I think I love you Logan.” simple as that, and I was ready for her. I was hers.
***********************
I guess I get what I deserve for treating her like that.
If she wants to forget about me, I guess there’s nothing I can really do, but yet, I’d give anything just to be able to see her again, and I want to be there for her, be the one she needs. Whatever good thing I still have to give to someone, I want to give it to her.
I won’t ask for anything else. She’s alive and safe and she didn’t lash out at me when she saw me, so what else can I ask?
And there's the baby. Our baby. The little thing really wormed its way in my heart. I love it already.
But it’s like me; it’s a threat to Marie’s happiness.
Come on it almost killed her, it was eating her alive, it was taking everything she had; just like I did!
Like father like son, that’s what people say, right?
No, it’s not good!
Thinking things like these won’t lead me anywhere. I should try and get my head out of my ass long enough to look beyond my self-loathing act and try to see things the way they are and face them as well as I can. I need to be strong, for her, for Marie and for our baby.
__________________________________________________________
Seasons changed, making winter snow covered gardens melt in the spring sun. Deep green lawns are now crowded with kids chatting, running, having a good time.
I’m still in that room, far from every noise and from life in general. Three months in there.
I’m not locked away but moving and walking around really became a challenge with my huge stomach. I can’t even see my feet; not like it’s vital or something, but you know, just to give you an idea of the phenomenon.
So I stay up here.
***************
I’ve received many visits from all of my 'friends' and former class mates. I can remember a few stuffs but not everything. Events took back their place in my mind, names and faces from my past too, but there’s still an unexplainable void about the past months; more precisely the weeks before my 'accident'.
No one was able to tell me where I was and what exactly happened to me. If I asked, my questions were only met by a forced silence and a sad expression on the face of whoever I was talking to.
The worst was Logan. He kept on visiting me more than regularly, and it was really nice. He was always concerned about me and the baby, making everything and anything he could to make things easier for me. He even bought stuffs, you know, diapers, baby clothes, toys, bed, and all kinds of furniture that make the big room I live in smaller than it actually is. I told him about a million times that he didn’t have to do this but he kept on telling me that it was okay and that he just wanted to make sure I had everything I needed. He’s really been great, but I don't know how to take his kindness.
We also talk a lot. I tell him about my fears and expectations and he really listens. I never thought it could be so nice to talk to him. I don’t know why but, of all people, Logan’s the one I trust the most; I feel immediately safe when he’s around and the baby reacts to his presence too. It’s all so strange.
But he never tells me any of the things I long to hear. He never answers whenever I ask questions about our relationship, or if we ever had one. He'd just look at the toes of his boots, like they suddenly become of a vital interest.
The first time I saw him I was like under a kind of shock and my body reacted in the weirdest way, all restless and a kind of strange excitement. But now, I feel relaxed, and I must confess that I miss his presence, especially at night. I don’t know why.
I get the strange sensation that he and I were much closer than what he actually tells me. As great as a teacher can be, Logan’s way of acting around me triggers something in my heart, like I was used to his kindness, and maybe more?
It kills me not to be able to point it out more clearly.
It just feels good around him. He feels good. It's not the same with Ororo, Mr. Summers and even Dr. Grey. They're really kind, but there's a kind of unease when they're around and it makes me sick sometimes.
Time… is just a figure.
Where does that come from?
__________________________________________________________
She feels more and more comfortable with me. We talk and spend as much time together as we can.
The professor said she’d be different and he was right.
It was kind of hard at first to tell myself that the girl in the big bed was my Marie. Her voice was the same, but something in the way she spoke, the lack of slang and swearing in her speech made it all sound too different for the likes of mine.
And then there was this permanent look in her eyes, these questions that she kept to herself; reserve.
She didn’t remember anything about me, much as what I expected, but she told me once that she feels safe when I’m around and I almost choked on the coffee I was drinking. She laughed at me as I tried to clean up the mess I made.
************************
She’s having a nap now. She didn’t want me to go so she took my hand in hers to make me stay. It was all so spontaneous; it surprised me, in a very good way, but I can’t help but worrying a bit.
I don’t want to hope that she miraculously remembers all the things we shared. Because those memories would only make her unhappy; and I don’t want her to be. I know how lame I sound but it’s just how I feel.
************************
It’s almost summer time now, the last semester is over and the kids are all over the place.
As most of them have no parents to visit during this time, they just stay here, going out on small journeys with the other teachers and even to mutants friendly summer camps.
I’ve taken back my former teacher position, except that I only teach older students and only self defense and combat techniques. I guess the good Professor doesn’t want other scandals that would involve another defenseless girl fucked by my very abusive and dominating self.
I’m not fair here. Xavier’s really been good to me despite all I did to Marie. He accepted to have me here and let me build up a new relationship with her-well even if he made me swear not to ever lay a hand on her-and he allowed me to be useful to the school too.
I still have a hard time with the other teachers, though. But I’m okay with that, it’s not like I cared or anything.
And there’s the redhead.
She still doesn’t know it but payback time is coming real close.
I’ll wait until she thinks she’s safe, making her believe that she’s out of reach.
There will be no code of honor, no nothing but her paying the price for messing up with me and Marie.
She did something she never should have done and she'll pay, that I can swear.
She won’t hurt her anymore, nor will she come near my baby; not ever.
But not now, no. I’ll wait there in the dark until my time comes.
Author's Notes:
Thank you guys for all the nice reviews.
Chapter 5 now charged!
Sorry, cuz' it first sounded quite good while in my head, but now that it's out of my system, I'm not so sure...
Well thanx for reading anyway!
[PS:words in bold letters are for screams... mental or not!]
What time is it?
Oh God…! I mean, fuck!
Somebody help me! Please!
Okay Rogue, okay, you can make it, breathe, it’s not that hard, just BREATHE!!!!!
NO I can’t, it hurts too much. Don’t tell me it’s time already, no! It's too early, damnit, it's not good!
And it’s the middle of the night… Oh, damn! Breathe, okay, breathe….
I try to rise on elbows and turn slowly around on all fours like Dr McCoy taught me. The dog, okay, yeah, the good old dog. Yeah, better.
NOOO!! That shit’s not working!
I cry all I can while panting and choking on my saliva. I turn my head slightly to the alarm clock on the night stand and see that it’s not even midnight. Oh, no...
“Hey kid! Having your little party without me?”
“Logan!!” GAWD! I didn’t dare to hope anymore. “When did you…? I’m so, so glad to see YOU!!” Didn't know babies had digging material...!
“Okay, you’re doing great, I’m here now. Okay, breathe deep, yeah, like that, once again, with me.”
Oh thank you LORD! Soothing circles are described by his hands and fingertips up and down my back. Oh, it’s much, much better now that he’s here.
The pain is driving me nuts and it won’t stop. It’s stronger by the moment and the space between each pang is growing shorter.
I stay like that forever and Logan keeps on talking to me, drawing his circles on my back.
“Logan, what time is it now? “
“00:45, it’s been a full hour now.”
Dr McCoy bursts inside the room, monitoring, taking notes and finally making his way to me giving me a knowing smile.
“Well my dear Rogue, it seems like labor has began. What about the waters?”
What the hell is he talking about? I’m about to have a baby and he talks me about… Wait a second, yeah…that.
“Not yet.” Logan’s voice is remarkably calm despite the tension I can feel in his whole body. Why is he so tensed, I'm the one agonizing here!
“Time between contractions? Yes, fifty five seconds…” the doctor’s still writing and writing, and looking at those damned screens all around, does he know what’s going the hell on here?
“What do you think?” Logan points to the blue man.
“I think there is not a second to waste, because as what I feared” blue hands are now massaging my waist and lower stomach in a very embarrassing way, God is it really happening to me with Logan as number one guest? “the baby won’t wait any longer…”
“What? You mean I’m not breaking water? You mean that we’ll have to go through…?” I try to sound clear between sobbing and panting and whining, my brain clearly numbed by the pain. The rubbed circles on my back don’t stop and I just have to *thank* Logan for that when this is over. He’s the best friend EVER.
“Yes my dear and I must confess that this will make things more difficult…”
“How difficult?” Logan’s voice now starts to sound a tiny bit panicked which means that it’s not good. At all.
******************
I knew that giving birth might be kind of special in all very weird kinds of ways in my case, and there might be risks for me and the baby but I’m not ready right now to face any shit that’s about to hit the fan. Let it be all alright, please God!
A low deep and dark groan escapes my mouth before I realize it. And suddenly images run through my mind; images of Logan…and me, and…Oh Sweet LORD, another pang!
Do you think one can die from it? This one was forty five on a range of ten.
Machines start beeping crazy all around me and sweat now mixes with the tears on my face.
My body feels limp and without any real knowledge of it I’m pulled to Logan’s chest on the bed. I pant erratically and my heart is now just a mess of beats.
Logan whispers all kinds of reassuring promises in my ear, rocking me back and forth and pressing kisses on my neck and shoulders. I’m in his arms and I feel the need, no, the urge to cling on to him with all I have, see his eyes and let his presence fill me. I need him, more than anything. I guess I'm more scared than I actually thought. Or completely mad...
*****************
“How long has it been now?”
The Professor’s voice now enters the room, I can’t see him, though, opening my eyes asks too much energy so I keep them close, lost in Logan’s embrace.
“Almost one hour and a half now.” Logan retorts with a voice so tight, so strangled that I can hardly recognize it.
“And she’s almost too exhausted to go on Charles, it’s now or never!”
“Alright. Rogue, dear, I want you to relax as much as possible. As Dr McCoy and I told you before, complications linked to the baby’s possible mutation and its effects on your body lead to serious considerations.”
“which means?” Logan’s now snarling at Xavier. His scent is thick and almost acid, he’s…afraid? How do I know it?
“we’ll have to intervene as quick as possible. There won’t be a natural birth, that’s what I mean! Now if you’ll allow us Logan, Rogue’s life is on the edge.”
“Charles, I’m getting her ready for a caesarian. Logan, I need you to keep talking to her, soothing her as best as you can…”
“Why? What are you going to…?”
“As the results of the preliminary tests showed, any drug on her wouldn’t work...”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that we have no time to lose in endless arguments, Logan.”
“So you plan to cut her open without anything to avoid the pain, is that what you’re telling me doc’?”
“We tried to find something, anything, but her cells never accepted the process, they rejected any cure I tried to give her.”
“What about that treatment you gave her at first? The one to make the baby grow up normally, it worked, right?”
“Believe me Logan, if there was any other way, we would use it. So stay close to her now; we’ll go as fast as possible.”
“M…Rogue, you knew it?”
What’s that hesitation? Could he really know…? Yeah, my teacher…But you know, it’s strange… I can't remember telling my real name, to anyone.
“Yes. I knew, they told me everything, so that I am fully aware of the risks involved. I trust them, Logan, so try to trust them too; and trust me.”
His body is pressed against my back, the sensation seems so familiar. He’s trembling, though.
Trust me Logan.
***
We’re alone now. I’m still sweating and fighting for a breath, but I’m with him, in his arms. I feel so safe. I must confess that I was dead panicked when I thought about giving birth, and maybe dying trying, alone.
I don’t know why I wanted to give birth that bad. This child has been my life line during all those months I spent here at the mension, and maybe even before.
I don’t even remember who his father is…
But if it had to be someone I know now, I’d like it to be Logan. I know, it’s stupid, he’s my teacher and all, and that sounds almost impossible that he sees me that way, but I can’t help it. He’s the kind of person I could see being the father of my baby.
But just how dense can a girl be?
It’s not him… It can never be.
*************
Another pang breaks the moments of blessed silence between us and I yell at top of my lungs holding my stomach with both hands.
Dr McCoy comes running back with Jean in tow.
Logan rises to an upright position in the blink of an eye and jumps out of the bed.
My vision begins to blur and I’ll be damned if I’m not feeling my stomach twist and turn and bounce up and down. I slowly extend one hand to Logan. Thank God he holds it because next thing I’m aware of is that an extremely sharp pain hugs me every few seconds.
__________________________________________________________
I knew she’d come! If she ever tries to lay a hand on Marie, I won’t control myself! Damned red.
No, not now. It’s not about her or me, it’s all about Marie and our baby.
Marie’s body is trembling, her stomach taking all kinds of shapes under the kicks the baby is giving from inside.
She’s pale but she’s holding my hand with an incredible strength, eyes searching in every direction for anything to ease her pain. I can feel it deep down in my bones, and I wonder how she can actually deal with it, because I just can’t myself.
I help Hank lying her on her back and I hold her there with all I have. The blue doctor throws me a knowing look and then turns to Jean.
I have to do something!
“She won’t touch her.” I spit through greeted teeth, refraining from letting go of Marie and actually gut the bitch here and now.
“I can’t do this alone Logan…I need Jean’s help! What’s wrong with you?”
“I’ll help you if you need or anyone else, but red doesn’t touch her, am I making myself clear, doc’?”
The claws popped out before I can notice. Jean looks close to have a heart attack and high tails without asking permission. Very. Good.
So here I am with the fur ball doctor about to help Marie giving birth to my child. Okay, I can do it, can't I?
“Logan, what have you done?”
“It's none of your business. Now if you please, doc’, tell me what you need me to do.”
I breathe hard and my voice is just a low growl now. It’s not time for the Wolverine yet. Be patient my old boy.
“Alright, go to the adjoining room, make sure to wash your hands well and put on a mask and gloves.”
I make it back to the room in no time; I know the guy’s waiting for me to get started.
Marie’s lying on her back, eyes fluttering, gasping, and fighting for air.
Suddenly the sheets under her are drenched.
The doc’ looks up at me “Might have some changing in the program, maybe we’ll have it in a natural way after all.”
“Glad to hear that bub.”
Blue guy dives between Marie’s thighs to my greatest annoyance and then declares something like “Cervix aperture now optimum.”
I sigh silently, relieved not to get Marie through some live caesarian. But I don’t know if a natural birth is all so better; she looks really exhausted and greatly out of it.
“Rogue? My dear, we are facing a change in the program, I’m so sorry, but you will have to stay with us some more. Can you hear me?”
She nods her understanding, searching for my hand again. Her eye lids open tiredly reveling surprisingly smoldering dark golden eyes. Holy shit! What’s that?
I shoot up an alarmed look to the doctor who shrugs imperceptibly.
“Rogue we are going to start now, alright? When you feel the next contraction, you push!”
Marie looks like she’s on the verge of bursting into tears. Her mouth opens letting go of a silent cry, her eyes tightly shut.
I did this to her...
I can’t see her like that…What can I do?
Talk? Doesn’t sound bad, but I’d better be careful not getting too carried away, calling her by her real name for example like it almost happened moments ago.
“Rogue, okay, you’re doing great, believe me. Hold on just a tiny bit more, okay, it’s almost over.”
I know I’m rambling, but she actually responds eagerly to my silly promises.
Because I have no clue how things are going to get, all I can do is hope that everything goes right.
A sudden pang makes her shoot her eyes open wide; they are now pure gold. I’ll be damned.
“Now push Rogue! Again, and yes, stop, wonderful. Breathe deep, try to keep a rhythm.”
Another one. This time she almost crushes my hand; is it possible?
“Yes, go on and breathe. You’ve done the hardest part, just one more effort.”
Marie shouts and tears and sweat run down her pale face. Something is happening inside her. Her grip on my hand tightens so much that I’m afraid her to actually break *her* hand.
“Rogue…darl…” no endearment old creep, focus! “You’re doing some amazing job here, I’m proud of you, so proud. Hold on, okay?”
Golden eyes are sinking into mine before one last cry escapes from deep inside Marie’s body.
Seconds after, the blue doctor holds a rosy pinky crying strange kind of creature in his arms: my baby.
No, our baby.
“It’s a boy Rogue, congratulations!”
He cuts the cord hastily and brings the bundle to Marie.
She doesn’t smile or cry or laugh, though, she just stares at it with a kind of awe in her now browner eyes. She lifts a hand to touch it but hesitates and finally gives up.
“Hey, what’s wrong? You made it! He’s here now, look.” I try to sound comforting despite my own trouble.
“It’s just… I can’t Logan, I really can’t…”
“What? It’s your baby and he’s there now. You really did a great job!”
I take him in my arms and he stops crying almost automatically. I come closer to Marie for her to see, to acknowledge our baby. She looks up at me with an unreadable expression on her face.
“It should have been you, Logan. You and no one else. I mean...I'm sorry. You're right, and he's kind of cute...Never looks like...But I love him, really. Oh God, did *I* do that?”
What? What did she just say? ‘should have been’ *me*?
She finally takes the baby, but still no smile on her face. She's so careful, so calm now. She's different; completely different.
It’s almost too much to bear. She wished I was the father? But I *am* the father!
I can’t tell her now, can I.
She’s not ready, she’s upset. She won’t understand. But still I can’t leave her like that, I need to show her I understand, whatever it is that she’s trying to say, I need to show her she’s not alone and that I care for her and the baby.
But I can’t. I can’t do that to her.
Not now, not that way.
Marie, I’m so sorry.
Then she looks up at me, her eyes faraway: "Trust me Logan."
I'll be damned...
Author's Notes:
There it is and sorry for the wait! Chapter 6 in stores.
Feelings are spoken aloud, bonds are getting thicker.
Hope you enjoy reading as much I enjoyed writting.
Thanks for the review, they really make me want to give my very best.
Ps: Disclaimers, I own nothing at all, Stan Lee and Fox are in control...
There are things eyes just don’t see. That's what I keep on telling myself since my baby's here with me.
I’m in another room now, with my son and half a million machines monitoring the least of our moves. I’ve tried to think of a name for a long time now, I thought I’d find something nice and cute but nothing really suits him.
He has those huge golden-green eyes with endless lashes, a tiny little mouth and cheeks that can only make you think of a full moon. He’s got a lot of hair, I mean, he’s almost covered from head to toe with a very thin blond duvet whereas the hair on his head is almost jet black. He’s really the cutest baby I’ve ever seen; a little…well, hairy, but really adorable. I guess I’m not objective here, right?
*****************
His eyes, they make me think of Logan’s.
I never really paid much attention to them until two days ago when I went through total hell to have my baby boy. I was literally lost in them, mesmerized by their light, the feelings of concern and support they carried. I don’t know why, but it felt like they captured me.
What am I saying? We’re talking about Logan, my friend, my best friend, and teacher, the one that saw me peeing in my pants that night, looking like shit and shouting like I was out of my mind. There was absolutely no romance to see in this scene. But yet, his presence really helped me to go through this all. I don’t know what I’d become that night if he hadn’t been there.
There are still many things I’d like to ask him, though. Like all those hesitations around my name and the fact that he was in my room long before anyone knew I was having the baby. And most of all why does he do all the things he does for me? I know it should make me feel loved and cared about, but it just makes me sad, because the one person that should be doing all those things for me is not there. Come on, I’m seventeen and all alone with a child to raise. I still haven’t completed school yet. Just how on earth did I end up in such a fucked up situation?
Who was this guy? Was it a boy from here? Or did it happen during the short period of time I just can’t recall? That seems probable, though, if you give it a thought.
The time, the circumstances, the fact that no one wants to tell me the truth, it all could match. Maybe that was really hard and that’s why they won’t tell me. Maybe they want to protect me from some trauma. It’s frustrating not to know. But it also scares me...
They told me everything about the Magneto guy and everything, the weird hair-do, but none of them told me how it really happened. There were no details at all. They just told me that it was tough and that I almost didn’t survive. And, well regarding all the things they tell me about me, I guess I’m pretty out of luck, I mean, in general. Not that I want to feel sorry for myself, you know, there really must be something going wrong with my lucky star because, man, I’ve been through some crazy stuffs up until now.
Logan seems to be like he was quite close to me from the beginning, though and maybe I should just ask him.
How long has he been at Xavier's? He seems so familiar…
I really need to know what happened. And about THE question: how did *this* happen to me? Because you know, one day my sweet little boy’s going to ask me: ‘Hey, momma where’s daddy? Why is it that I can’t see him?’ and then, what do I do? Tell him his dad is a secret agent or some stuff like that?
Lying is not a solution. I don’t want to lie about that; I want to know even if it hurts. I can’t do that to him.
************************
I’m taking a look at my new environment; all the things, the furniture, the presents from my friends and the teachers. Even Jean who’s been quite withdrawn untill now offered a huge teddy bear and some clothes; they’re very cute, I love them.
Scott, Storm, Dr McCoy, they all have been great with me despite the whole situation. In fact they seemed quite happy to see me back, almost relieved. That makes my issue burning a little bit harder.
Maybe I was kidnapped and locked away in one of those horrible labs Jubilee told me about once. Or even worse...
Oh God… I can’t think of that…
My boy never cries. He never asks for breast or cleaning or anything. He just looks around calmly with his oversized sparkling eyes. Dr McCoy comes and checks on us every few hours because the baby’s mutation isn’t still very clear, although he doesn’t suck me dry anymore, and that’s some good news.
The professor keeps on coming to see me for my daily lessons, never forgetting to take my dear angel in his arms to tell him how brave his momma is and it always make me laugh, because, I’m *not* brave at all, and the professor knows it very well; he knows I’m so scared, always.
Jubilee and Kitty fell head over heels for my boy, telling high and clear that he has the cutest future badass face they’d ever seen, and today he’s wearing one of the baby clothes that Logan bought him; the very first I was offered to be more precise, when I was still between life and death, lying on a bed and as fat as the fattest cow you can possibly imagine. It’s a very sweet pale blue thing, but without motives of funny animals playing around on the front; it’s just simple, I like it a lot.
In fact I wanted to dress my baby with it for his first day in this world. I mean after he left the examination room and that they finally concluded that he won’t kill me.
I don’t really know why I wanted to see him in that in fact; I just couldn’t imagine things differently.
Everybody offered me clothes for the baby, they’re all very cute, but Logan’s stand far above them, and somewhere, in a tiny little spot of my heart, it bothers me out of my head. It reminds me of the ambiguous feelings He seems to have for me, and those I’m starting to have for him, and all the missing ‘father’ thing.
*********************
I’m not a fool, and I don’t believe him when he tells me that he cares for me and the baby because we’re going through some hard stuff. But still, it’s not clear, something doesn’t match; he cares too much for us, and from the beginning, well from the day I was introduced to him. I want it to be clear, once for all! I need to know even if… Well to hell with that, I need to know who this guy is and just how he’s related to me!
A tiny little knock on my door stops my train of thoughts.
It’s Logan. Freshly shaved and dressed like he’s going to…help me out here… He’s stunning. Black tight jeans, creamy shirt and hair nicely cut. He looks all better than with the spikes and mutton chops. Oh. My. God. Rogue, keep the butterflies in their cage!
“Hey!”
“Hey…” What’s wrong with my voice? It’s all so weak. Don’t drool! Gawd, it’s gross… I’m so pathetic… Somebody, please steal me from me.
Logan enters my room with a cute blue little teddy bear in his hand.
“Logan, you shouldn’t have…”
“It’s not for you, it’s for the kid.” He nods his head to the baby’s bed.
“I think I noticed that. It’s blue…?”
“Yeah, now I know it’s a boy, I didn’t hesitate on the color anymore. How’re you feeling? I almost expected to find you whining on your bed, looking like you’ve been let out of an asylum.”
Ho ho ho , smartass.
“Sorry to disappoint you Mister…I’m feeling wonderful in fact, as strange as it may seem. A little overwhelmed with emotions and all strange, but, yeah, I’m felling great.”
“No, I’m glad to see you like that, really. How’s the boy? Let me see that.”
He doesn’t look that much surprised to see no remnants of the delivery; well Dr McCoy was anyway and he talked about some healing stuff, didn’t really follow that part, it was like Chinese to me.
Logan steps closer to the baby’s bed and wraps his broad hands carefully around my son's little body.
“Welcome to the world Mister… By the way, Mister what? Hope you found a nice name for the cool little guy.”
And Bham!
"No… I tried, hard, but nothing seems to suit him. I mean, take a look at him, he doesn’t look like a ‘Joey’ or ‘Adam’ or… I know I’m a terrible mother, but now that he’s here, all I’ve been thinking of is just…" Come on spit it, you've been dying to ask! "I thought you might help me find something..."
Logan’s face falls for a split second and then he turns a tired look down to me. Please, pretty please...!
“It has to be you Rogue. *You*’re the one to choose *his* name.”
“I know, but I can’t seem to find and it’s driving insane. I need my friend’s help here; I need your help.”
After an eternity and uncountable sighs, Logan sits down on the chair closest to my bed and studies my son intensely. They are watching each other it seems, gauging. The baby doesn’t make a sound. And then, like in a dream, Logan starts talking, ever so quietly, leaning his face close to my little boy’s round face; he’s whispering to him. The image is like an electroshock and my mind is burning; it’s just plain beautiful. It’s like they’re all alone in the whole world.
Jessie, Declan, Julian, Hayley, Cameron, Kerrey…
Five minutes during which all I can hear is the muffled sound of Logan’s voice and the tiny respiration exhaling from my baby boy.
He’s starting to make soft noises, lifting his tiny hands to Logan’s face. What’s that? Can new born children actually do that? I'll be damned...
The choice was made, though. My baby made his choice. He’s been calm until now and all of a sudden he’s, well humming? Purring…? That’s, uh… new. I’ll have to ask Dr McCoy about that. Don’t panic, Rogue!
“So?” I said in a whisper too, not wanting to interrupt their communion.
“James…”
“James? Well, never thought of that one. Never thought you knew so many names either; you’ve been talking for ages!” A little bit old fashioned but not bad at all! I never thought of that, the whispering thing and all.
“He seems to like it, look at him.” Logan looks quite excited, I mean, he looks happier than me, it seems.
The baby seemed to like he’s name and that was true, because he did have a somewhat smile-like grin on his face. Can two-days-old babies actually grin; willingly? Logan mirrored his expression and sighed contentedly then frowned a little.
“I think ‘James’ needs some diaper changing.”
“What? I’ve just changed him…”
“Trust me on that, kid.”
'Kid?'
“Don’t you dare calling me that again, I’m a mom now! Just how do you know that, I can’t smell anything…”
“Well I can.”
“You can smell?”
“Yeah…got a problem with that *kid*?”
***********************
It hits me like a ton of bricks. I don’t know what Logan’s powers can be; I have no idea. Strange, uh? I don’t even know my best friend’s ‘gift’… How could I have been so oblivious? After all this time? What kind of friend am I? I’ve been so caught up in myself and my problems that I didn’t pay *real* attention to Logan, and if I want to know who he really is, I might just start with that as well.
“Kid? You still with me?” the sound of his voice brings me back to him and to the real world.
“Yeah, no, it’s just that I never knew what your powers were now that I think of it, well, I can’t remember” After a long pause I start again, trying to sound casual. “So you can smell things?”
“Not only.” Irritation?
“So, what else?”
“Trust me, you don’t want to know.”
“Oh, yeah? Well I *want* to know.” I try playfully.
Logan’s features darken suddenly, though. He rises from the chair and takes the baby back to his bed. I can feel tension hugging him close; he swallows hard. What the hell?
“My powers aren’t very pretty, so it’s better if you don’t know.” Oh, please, don’t give me that!
“I thought I was the one to decide what I wanted or didn’t want to hear or know. And I want to know, Logan.”
He breathes deeply, shakily. After endless minutes he speaks again.
“Okay, I can heal. Very rapidly, I mean.” Somebody said ‘heal’? Should it make me think of something in particular?
“And…?” Come on it's not that hard, is it?
“I can see in the dark, hear the merest sound, feel the changes in the air and in people’s demeanor.”
“And…?”
“And that’s it, happy now?”
“No, it’s not. You’re hiding something from me. What is it?” What do I know? What the hell am I saying? I know he's not telling me everything, I can smell it on him. Okay, *that* should make me think of something...Don't. Panic.
“That’s. It.”
He’s trembling now. Oh, God. Bad temper might be a part of the whole stuff too, because he seems about to lose control.
“No, Logan… You can tell me, you know.” Don’t push it, you see that the guy’s gonna shred you to pieces…or not. He’s not mad. He’s…afraid, and hurt. I can feel it pouring off him, wave after wave. His pain is filling the air all around us, fills my bones, deep, very deep inside of me. What’s happening right now?
“Logan, what’s wrong?”
“You really want to know what I can do kid? You want to know what my powers are?”
“Yes Logan. I want to know you, I need to see you; all of you.” This is going way too far for my own good. God, Rogue, stop talking!
A short silence and then a cold ‘snikt’ sound comes along as three metal claws extend from each of Logan’s hands. Oh. My. God. They slide slowly between his knuckles, long and angry looking, but yet so perfectly shaped, almost pure.
Strangely enough, they don’t scare me, it’s all the other way around; they hypnotize me, they make me love him even more than I did until now. A strange kind of knowledge slaps me in the face as I realize that my feelings were more deeply rooted than what I thought.
“Is it the only part of you made of metal?” What was that? Confused feelings start to rush inside my mind, pain and shame. Where do they come from?
“No. How do you know it…?”
Logan now looks at me not quite believing the words that are falling from my lips; is it rememberance?
“I… I don’t know. I just thought… I don’t know.” I can’t look at him right now. He’s too real all of a sudden, I’m afraid to lose myself in his presence. Pain… too much pain, but my mouth won’t stop.
“This metal covers all your bones, it’s… it’s everywhere inside you. It’s so heavy. Oh, God, Logan!” Flashes run in my head, glimpses of images, faces, masks and gloves. A tank of water and drills boring into someone’s body, deep and down to his core. Oh dear God, the man lying in the tank, tightly cuffed to a table, it’s Logan…
“Kid? Kid, stay with me!”
“What did they do to you?”
__________________________________________________________
Don’t tell me we get there again!
It’s because of me; I never should have let her know!
What’s happening right now?
Images flood my mind, thoughts that don’t belong to me. They are confused but they feel warm and welcoming: motherhood, doubts and a fight for trust; they’re Marie’s feelings. How could it be? It never happened before. What the hell…?
The baby starts doing small noises too and then grows agitated. I go closer to him to check if his okay and when I look down I see two huge pure gold eyes looking at me, unfocused.
What. The. Hell?
His scent is different now, he smells like me and Marie at the same time. He’s manifesting, I feel him pull at my feelings, ever so softly, almost like a caress. Then he closes his eyes and falls deeply asleep.
I turn to Marie to find her close to James’ bed, eyes wide in…well panic. She takes him to her heart and start talking him all kinds of nonsense words that speak of fear and worry.
“What happened? James, baby, you okay? What’s wrong? Mommy is here, I won’t let anything hurt you, it’s over. Wake up...”
“You okay, kid?”
“Logan, what’s happening to him? You saw his eyes? He’s sleeping, right? He’s just sleeping, tell me he’s sleeping!”
“Marie, calm down! He's okay, look!”
I try to sound as soothing as I can, placing my arms around her shoulders, and dropping kisses on the top of her head as I check the baby's scent and pulse. Everything seems to be back to normal for him. But Marie needs to be sure; she's on the edge right now.
“I’ll get Hank and the Professor, okay? I’ll be right back.”
Here we go again… I messed up! But where exactly did it go wrong?
No, I can’t think straight. Marie’s panicked scent is thicker than air, I can’t concentrate.
***********************
I didn’t have the time to go very far, Hank and the Professor were on their way to Marie’s room. They stopped in the middle of the hallway mirroring what must be the expression plastered to my face: puzzlement and growing panic. Xavier gets his chair in motion before I have the time to speak, wheeling past from me. The blue doctor and I exchange a knowing look before we chase after him.
The three of us enter the large room, trying to get rid of our previous trouble. Chuck is the first to speak.
“Rogue my dear, it’s alright now, calm down.”
“Professor? Oh, thank God. It’s James, I think he... and now, he won’t move, he seems… It’s weird, please do something, please!”
Hank steps closer to her, checking the monitors and numerous machines around her.
“Everything looks normal, though. Blood pressure, cardiac activity normal…”
“Can you describe what happened, dear?”
“It was so strange, Logan and I were just talking, and then I felt strange, I was seeing images of Logan, feeling things that don’t belong to me…Pain, everywhere, I could see what they did to him, the scientists, and then everything was flowing out from me… And James’ eyes were all weird; he was making strange sounds…”
"Yes, and it did the very same thing with me," I add, trying to complement what Marie just said. "I could feel what Rogue felt and then there was a kind of pull, like her mutation but it wasn’t that fast and it didn’t hurt, it felt warm in fact… almost felt like a feather light touch…without her to touch me."
“Was one of you carrying the baby in your arms or having any other kind of contact with him?” Xavier asks wearily.
“No, he was… He was in his bed and then it happened, his eyes changed and then it started…”
“Rogue, try to calm down, the Professor needs to know what happened, okay? Try to relax.”
“I can’t relax Logan! My baby doesn’t move, I can’t calm down!!”
“Rogue, dear, the baby is alright. He’s fine. I think he just manifested.” Who's king of the obvious here?
“I know but what is it? And why he closed his eyes right after? Why won’t he wake up?”
“He’s sleeping Marie! James is sleeping!” Did I just say her real name out loud? For the second time in less than ten minutes?
Everybody now looks at me like I had grown a third eye. Shit! Shit, shit and shit again… That’s not good at all!
The Professor tries to speak again, acting like nothing happened.
“Rogue, Logan is right, the baby is sleeping, and he’s peaceful, trust me, my dear. He’s alright. Logan, were there any physical change while the baby manifested? Did you notice a change in his scent or anything?”
I try to regain my composure as I answer as precisely as possible.
“Yes, his eyes turned a sheer gold color, but he didn’t look like suffering, he was just staring at me it seems. And his scent changed a little…”
“What do you mean…?”
“It seemed like it was a mix of Rogue and me.” I try not to sound too excited about that and clear my throat to add “then he fell asleep very peacefully.”
“Rogue, when was the last nursing?” Hank’s voice echoes from between the machines and it get me nervous all of a sudden.
“At 9 this morning, why?”
“So it’s been a little more than two hours…”
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“Well, my dear, your son seems to be sleeping a good meal; a contented nap; he just ate.”
“What?? That’s not possible, I breast him two hours ago, he can’t be…”
What the fuck is going on right here? The baby ate? What? When? I need explanations here!
“What do you mean doc’?”
“I mean that the boy you see here is sleeping after a good meal. He was hungry, so he ate.”
“How d’ya know?”
“Trust me on that, the machines I put here to monitor Rogue and her baby are not here for decoration, Logan. And as things appear to be and as I thought they would be in the end, the baby seems to have the capacity of regenerating after absorbing people’s thoughts and feelings, and maybe vital force too.”
“What? You mean he can eat me?” Do I sound like a soprano here?
“Well, it’s a way of putting things, but not only,” The professor now tries to bring his own little theory too. “it seems that he can transfer those same feelings, thoughts and energy from one person to another without touching them.”
“Oh my God, what did I give him…? What did I do to him?”
“Rogue, this has nothing to do with you, you’re not responsible for that, and I think it’s quite a useful gift.”
“Professor, my baby can eat people alive…Oh my God, he’s like me… He can kill…without even knowing.”
And I need to do something, it’s not her fault. It’s not her damn fault!!
“Hey, kid, look at me, we’re fine, and he’s too. You’re not responsible for anything here! James won’t kill anyone, you heard me?”
“Yes, Logan, is right again Rogue. You’re little boy is just what he is, a little boy.”
It hurts, bad. I mean, James is not like her, he’s like me. He acts upon instinct. If he needs, he takes, even if it includes killing. What did I do to this child? And now Marie thinks it's being her fault...?
“You’re wrong…”
“You’re not responsible for this, heard me?” I try again, in vain it seems.
You’re not responsible for anything. If there’s someone to blame, it’d be me. I am the bastard, I’m the killer. If there’s someone you need to hate, then, hate me. I did it to you, both of you.
“What are you talking about, I can’t hate you, never, Logan…”
I didn’t even realize I said this out loud.
“I hope you won’t, but I’d be a fool to believe that when I look over what I did to you.”
Fuck! Shut the fucking up!
__________________________________________________________
What? What is he talking about? What he did to me?
No. Oh, no, I don’t like the sound of this.
Logan, don’t do this, please, don’t. I love you too much to have to hate you, so please, don’t do this… It's too new, I've just admitted it to myself...
I can’t stop myself. I love him, so much it burns me alive. He’s my friend but I want so much more, I need him so desperately that it would just kill me to know that he’s hurt me in the past. I don’t know if I can handle the truth after all…
But wait a minute, what if… No, that’d be why no one wants to tell me anything until now. It’s bad enough to be worth all the forced silences and the pity I could sometimes read in people’s eyes. Oh, God, not him, not him, I’m begging of you please….
“I think I’d better go now that it’s all okay, you should try and have some rest, kid.”
He's leaving.
“Logan?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
Oh, holy shit, that slipped out so naturally and before the Professor and Dr McCoy… Oh…No…!
Stupid, stupid, Rogue!! Grrr! But it’s true, though. I do love him.
“Love you too.”
Did I just hear what I heard? And according to the sudden furry in the Professor’s eyes, it might be… Wait, what could it be? Did he read his mind?
Oh, what I’d give to touch him and know what he feels.
Blurred images, strong feelings. Love, all around me.
“I’ll take care of you…”
Wow! What was that? I didn't even touch him or anything. I heard it clear in my head, it was Logan’s voice, but he already left. Is Logan a psychic too? I turn my head to James who started making those little noises again, but his eyes are still closed. He seems on the verge of tears, his small face frowning, arms lifted up in the air. He’s sending me images. He wants something.
He wants Logan.
“Professor, you felt it?” Hank says, breathing hard.
“Yes, I did… The projection is so strong…”
Logan is back to the room even before the professor could finish his sentence. He must have felt it too.
It’s strange the connection between him and James. I’ve never seen anything like that. He bends down to the bed and takes him in his arms, kissing his forehead softly.
“I’m here kiddo, you were afraid I’d abandon you? Not even in your dreams boy. Hey… I heard big boys didn’t cry!”
***********************
That’s crazy. I mean, really crazy! The frown on James’ features fades immediately when Logan touches him. He just drifts back to sleep with-now I can swear it is a wide smile on his little face. And he looks somewhat… older?
“Yes, Rogue it seems that James grew up a little…”
Was I saying it out loud?
“It’s amazing…He’s…”
“Normal.” Logan grunts to the blue doctor as his arms wrap a little tighter around James’ body.
“Logan…I’m just saying that…”
Logan cuts him short and snarls “this kid is perfectly normal, got it, doc’?”
“I’d like to run a few tests on him for good measure.”
“No, doc’, you’re not.”
This is getting absolutely nowhere. Why’s Logan so defensive right now, I feel him on the edge and if I let things go there will be a drama soon. Not with my baby boy around gentlemen, thank you very much.
“Well, I guess that I’m the one to decide. And, I’m sorry Dr McCoy, but I’d rather not have any more tests run on James. You told me that he’s okay now, and that’s all I needed to know.”
“Fine, Rogue. But still I really would like to examine you and see how your body recovers, though. I’ll be around if you need, don’t hesitate to call me.”
“Sure Dr…”
“Please, call me Hank. Even if you don’t seem to suffer any kind of complication due to birth or the massive loss of energy, I’d like to make sure that everything is alright.”
“Okay, thank you Hank, but I’m fine, really, and I’d like to join civilization as soon as possible. Which means no more machines, no more beeps or needles or God knows what.”
The Professor addresses me a sad smile before adding:
“Well Hank, I think she’s right, and Rogue, that is exactly what I first planned to tell you. If you feel ready to go back to your former life, then we’ll all be glad to have you again. You can come back today if you wish it.”
Wow, I never meant so early, but, guess it’ll do.
“Okay. I can’t wait to see everyone. But is it really okay?” I’m not that sure all of a sudden. “I mean, for the baby and all.”
“It’s up to you, Rogue. Further examination would be a guaranty, but if you feel well enough, it’s not mandatory.”
“So maybe, we can put things like this and I’ll see you again with James in a few days for a checkup.”
“Yes, it’s wise.”
“And if anything goes wrong before that, I’ll make sure you’re the first to know, Hank.”
Logan throws me a kind of ‘I disapprove’ look and he states all so calmly that it’s almost scary: “Pack up, kid. We’re going.”
I feel a kind of resignation flowing from him. He doesn’t like that idea of me going back to them it seems. Come on, it has always been all so obvious that he wasn’t that welcome here. Every time he accidentally crossed someone coming in or out of my room, I could see the way they looked at him, it all silently talked about grudge and it hurt me like hell fire to see the way every one treated him.
For example the cold look in the Professor’s eyes right now as he looks at Logan, the way Dr McCoy carefully refrain his own feelings, but it’s all clear.
It doesn’t take a genius to understand it all. I have a part of responsibility in that.
I saw it clearly in their eyes when he said ‘Love you too’, even if it didn’t mean all I wish it would, but it apparently was enough to make them cringe and react over those simple words.
*****************************
I get up from bed and go to the wardrobe grabbing the baby’s bag and starting to put some little things in it for the day.
“Don’t worry, Rogue, we’ll have the rest of your things brought to your new room.”
My new room...?
Wait a second! Where is it am I going to? I don’t even know where the said room is. I was just about following Logan blindly, trusting him with my life not caring if this new room was in the middle of hell or what. I just was following him, and something tells me that it’s not the first time.
'Pack up, kid. We’re going.' And that's all it takes for me to follow him...Anywhere...far from here...up North.
It’s so strong in me; that knowledge that I can trust him. And James seems to share my point of view.
So I leave the room, hugging and thanking the two men remaining there, for their support and all the things they’re making possible.
“I’ll see you around then.” I add sadly.
“Yes, Rogue, and congratulations again.”
*************************************
The walk to my new world is a blissful moment of comfortable silence, and as I supposed, Logan knew perfectly where the room was.
It’s in the teachers’ wing, a little isolated, though.
__________________________________________________________
Damn Chuck was wise despite the grudge he still holds against me. My presence seems to stabilize the kid, I mean, James. He clings to me with his small fists tightly grasping at my shirt. He looks so peaceful.
In order to keep him in that state, the Professor made sure to put Marie’s room next to mine, so that the baby can still feel my presence. He also made sure that he, I and Marie were far enough from the other suits and one in particular.
I let Rogue open the door and she lets out a gasp of surprise as she considers the said room mostly looks like more an apartment. She opens eyes wide as saucers as she opens and closes every single door and drawer. I’m glad she likes it. She stops almost abruptly when she opens the sliding door that leads to my room.
“What is it? Whose room is it?
She doesn’t look surprised at all when I tell her it’s mine. In fact she gives me ‘The Look’, the one she gave me before I left for Canada soon after the Statute of Liberty stuff. The look that says ‘I know perfectly why you do this and I know that you know I know’.
I love her, and she knows it, or maybe… Stop that old man, you ain’t going there again. She needs you as a friend.
What she needs is a friend, not a lover. That's what put you there in the first place...
I need to say something, anything, just talk!
“So, uh… How you’re going to do this?”
“Do what?”
She turns to me and comes to takes James from my arms; I immediately miss him. That’s the strangest feeling ever. It’s like a part of me was suddenly taken away.
“The school stuff and all.”
“Oh, that? I guess I’ll have to bring him with me to class. There’s no baby sitter around and I can’t imagine leaving him with some stranger anyway. I know it’s all so weird, but I can’t see what else I can do, I just can’t make the Professor babysit him for me. Or maybe I can have a special schedule, you know, part time or something like that. Or…”
“Or maybe I can stay with him. I don’t have that many classes and I’ll keep an eye on him when I’m not on missions too. We can find something.”
“No, Logan, it’s wrong. You’ve already done so much for us, I can’t ask this from you.”
“No, it’s okay. I'd be glad to help.”
Try to act cool and not that much excited old man! Keep control and keep your fucking hands to yourself!
“It’s not like you asked anything, I’m the one to make the proposition here. Promise you’ll think about it?”
“Yeah, okay, I’ll give it a thought. Thank you Logan, I mean it.”
I can’t help but drop a kiss on top of her head as a weird kind of knowledge strikes me, something stronger than me and that I can no longer control.
They’re mine, the both of them. The Wolverine inside of me shouts and claims high and clear that it’s my duty to protect them and to watch over them. I’d die for them. But there is something else. He keeps on telling me that Marie is my mate; he won’t leave me alone with that. I can’t sleep at night, can’t focus during day time. I even let her real name slip with two other persons in the room; I even called her baby and told her I love her. I don’t know how much thought she’s going to give it anyway, but I let it happen.
This is not good.
She looks so different from the girl I knew. She’s… she’s a woman now. And she’s mine.
No!!
I need to get the hell out of here before I say something I don’t want to say, or all things I want to say.
I’d like to tell her, so much it hurts. But I don’t want to force her. As long as she doesn’t remember, I can’t tell her.
“Try to settle down, okay? I’ll get the rest of your stuffs.”
She smiles at me; one of those heart breaking smiles. I really need to get my ass out of this place. Breathe, old man, breathe!
God, I'm S.C.R.E.W.E.D.!
Author's Notes:
Finally together and all lovey dovey. There you are guys, have fun reading!
And once again, I own nothing at all, Stan Lee and Fox are in control... You know the song now, right?
“She shouldn’t be remembering anything, Charles…”
Voices echo from the Professor’s office as I walk down the corridor to get Marie’s stuffs. What’s going on in there?
“Yes, I know Hank, and that is what’s worrying me the most.”
“What do you mean?”
“She, indeed doesn’t remember, well not like you think she would. I’ve tried many times to follow her thoughts to their source, but it seems that the locks are still active and that those things I sensed in her didn’t directly come from her memories; because she has none. She doesn’t know who we are or what this place is. And it’s the same for Logan, she doesn’t know who he is.”
“But Charles… Oh dear God, could it be?”
“Yes my friend, it’s the baby. He’s the one who triggers all the locked up emotions, feelings and memories and brings them back to the surface. And I must confess that I fear the worst for Rogue right now. Her feelings for Logan being so deep, to my dismay, could join at anytime the ‘signals’ sent by the feelings her son transmits to her involuntarily, making her relive episodes from Logan’s past, sensing the very same emotions and fears.”
What? I thought she was okay, I thought that finally…
“But why? How could this be?”
“Well, Hank, Rogue’s feelings haven’t been completely erased like Jean thought she’d managed. But yet, Logan’s memories in Rogue’s mind once triggered will assault her the very same way they did the first time, and as Jean also put her away from controlling them again when she locked them away, Rogue might just face them but with no mental protection at all this time.”
“Which means…that her coma this time will be so deep that she might never wake up… Coma will be her shield, if not brain death. Oh, no. Are you sure that it is what you think it is, maybe there could be another way out for her? Artificial blocs could save her.”
Oh, no…Marie! Marie!!
“I’m afraid those kinds of blocs won’t be of any help, they need to come from her, and… There’s someone out there!”
“Logan.”
Xavier’s tired voice echoes both in my ears and in my mind and I take the little strength I still have after hearing all this to bring my three hundred pounds of andamantium in the now all blurry office. If anyone wanted to know how to finally fucking kill me, now they'd have a clue. Those two pampered guys are saying that my Marie might be… I just can’t think about it.
“Logan, you were there? Dear God, did you hear us?”
“Yeah, the coma stuff and all the shit; yeah, I did. What the hell is this all about?”
“We’re still not sure, Logan, but yes, Rogue is still somewhat in danger.”
“In danger? What kind? You said she was okay, that now she could go back to school. Just what kind of crap did you tell her?”
“I’m sorry, Logan, but I really thought that she was out of danger until I could finally sort out the origin of her triggered emotions.”
“Will she ever remember?”
“…”
“Just fucking great. So what’s wrong? What did that crazy witch do to her? I thought she was okay now, with the baby, I thought… I hoped…”
My voice is weak and broken and I feel the tears burning behind my eyelids.
Tears spilling on my face? I don’t give a shit. I really don’t give a shit.
“Logan, I’m sorry.”
A hand comes reaching out for me, I don’t want to be comforted, I want to shrug it away, but I can’t, I just can’t. So much for the big bad and much feared Wolverine. But I need to find a solution, we need to do something. I can’t stay there and say that I’m okay with all those atrocities. I’ll fight, even against myself.
“So what do we do now? We just sit here patiently and wait that she loses it?”
“No. Of course not. As much as I dislike admitting it, Rogue and you share a bond that few people, humans and mutants alike, are allowed to know even in a century of life. And I can recognize something valuable when I see it. Logan, I know, you’d give anything for Rogue, and hiding the truth now won’t serve anyone. I guess she needs you more than any doctor or psychic. She needs your love more than anything. If it is for you, we can hope that she will have the strength to fight and survive the traumas from your past, even without the mental blocs.”
“So what’s the deal, uh? I just go and tell her that ‘hey, you don’t remember, but I’m the one who did you almost half a year ago and put you through all the shit you’re going lately, so ready for round two?’ NO, I don't think so.”
“Logan, it’s true that Rogue doesn’t remember anything about you but her feelings are still inexplicably here, they’re deeply rooted in her, they are a part of her, even if she doesn’t realize it.”
If what Xavier said is right, then I still got a chance to save her. If I can reach her through her feelings and let her know that…
“Charles is right, Logan.” The blue doctor’s voice stops my train of thoughts. Damn him.
“What?” I spit venomously.
“Well, I also think that it would be better if you told her about everything, letting her know of this bond…”
“It is none of your damn business doc’, got it? If you guys had let me do things my way, she’d have known the truth for some time now.”
“If the Wolverine had done things my way, Rogue wouldn’t have ended in such a dangerous situation in the first place!”
“Charles…”
Old man got a point here. I know it’s my fault, but it’s just so fucking unfair! If I had left just like Xavier told me that night, they could have done something for her from the start. But I took her with me, and while I was cage fighting to make a living, she was struggling for a life I was stealing from her; and she was pregnant. I often wondered when exactly things went wrong, and now I think I know that it’s the day I let myself feel for her things I should not, when I took her in my arms back in that damn torch, hoping against hope that she'd breathe again, that she'd talk and smile to me again. Things went wrong long before I acknowledged my love for her, long before I knew that I was born for her and that I’d spent almost two hundred years waiting for her. But that wasn’t about me; that was all about her, about all the things I couldn’t be for her, about all the things I couldn’t mend in her life. She was my death, and I was supposed to be her life, but things definitely went wrong because I ended up being the one that is killing her, and she turned out to be the only one who could bring me back to life.
“Yes. True on the whole damn line, Chuck…”
“Logan, I didn’t mean to…”
“Yeah, you did. But that’s the truth anyway, isn't it? So what do we do?”
“You should go and find her now, before someone else does…”
“What do you mean?”
__________________________________________________________
Wow, this place is…huge! I mean, have you seen this room, it’s bigger than…well it’s the biggest thing I’ve ever seen! I have my personal bathroom, a queen size bed and a dressing as big as-well it seems-my former room! We’re going to be all so right here. And Logan will be just right next to us. I must admit I was a little unsure about things, you know, I don’t know this place after all, or many of the people living around here and having Logan this close kind of reassures me a great bit.
“You saw that James? This is our new home, I hope you like it as much as mommy. Look at that, hey, there’s room here for your bed, yes and here? Well, let’s see, got any idea?”
“Rogue?”
Oh, He’s back already?
“Yes, come in.”
Dr Grey? I didn’t recognize her voice…
“Good morning Rogue.”
“Good morning Dr Grey.”
“It’s good to have you back again. I won’t be long; I just wanted to welcome you back.”
Well, okay, if you want. I can’t help but sense that something is terribly wrong here, I just can’t seem to place it, though.
“Thank you Dr Grey, but, really you…”
“No, it’s okay. I wanted to see how you were settling down in your new environment, and I see that everything looks alright.”
“Yeah, the place is great; I think we’ll be good here.”
What’s this? It’s almost faint; it comes from James, again: pain, remorse and something that’s starting to scare the crap out of me. Oh. My. God. I need to get away from this place, now.
“Rogue, what’s wrong?”
You are wrong! Oh, GAWD, this flame in her eyes is just... James is tensing in my arms, he must be feeling something’s just about to happen. Run for your life Rogue!!
“I got to go, I have an appointment with the Professor, I’m sorry! I’m late and…”
“Rogue? Wait, where are you going, I’m not going to hurt you.”
Voices in my head, blurred images… I’m on a bed in a hospital room and Dr Grey is… Oh NO!
James opens wide golden eyes watching the doctor as she now looks like being in pain. Tiny blue veins appear on my baby’s face and I just know what he’s doing; he’s sucking her dry. Dr Grey is now on her knees, gasping and fighting for air. James, baby, I won’t let you do that! You’re not becoming like me!
Run, Rogue!
**************************
I run down the corridors until James’ eyes return to normal. We’re in a kind of garage now, it’s safe, and we’re alone. As I try to catch my breath, I still hear screams in my head, her screams, they won’t leave me alone. What did she do to me? I was lying on this bed and she told me that she would help me controlling them again, but what on earth was she talking about? I don’t remember that, it’s just too weird… I need… I need to calm down and breathe. Yeah, like that. Is James alright? Well, yeah, he seems to be. I need to see Dr McCoy! James almost sucked Dr Grey dry; I could see he almost... No, no, Rogue, no… Calm down. But what if… James could do that with anybody, he could hurt people without even knowing. I can’t let this happen… I need to do something to protect him and all the people around us.
“Marie!”
“Logan? You found us? You know what happened?”
“Damn it kid, no, I don’t. What did red’ wanted from you, you okay?”
“Yeah, we’re fine, but what about her? She… James…absorbed her, he almost…”
“No, baby, she’s okay, she just need some rest, but she’s okay, believe me on that.”
Is it regret I hear in Logan’s voice?
“Logan what are we going to do? We can’t stay here! I mean, what if it happened again, and this time…”
“No, kid, you’re not going there. You stay here, it’s safe for you and the baby, he won’t hurt anyone, I promise.”
“How can you promise such a thing? You weren’t there you didn’t see what happened!”
“But I still can say that he didn’t do it on purpose and he wouldn’t hurt anyone. He was acting to protect himself and certainly to protect you. He felt something was wrong, he felt you were in danger.”
“What?”
“He called me. James called me and it was so strong that the whole school might have felt it; I felt that you were in danger in there.”
“What…? I mean, yes, but I wasn’t sure, I felt something was wrong and then there were those voices in my head, I can still hear them, and one moment later, James was watching her with those golden eyes and she was on the floor, and…”
“She was about to hurt you Marie. And… It’s not the first time.”
What? Oh God, I need to sit down, now. Dr Grey wanted to…
“Why? When?”
“It’s a very long story, kid.”
“Logan, it’s time I knew what’s happening around me! I’m fed up with all the secrecy about my past. I want to know, and *you* are going to tell me now!”
“Yeah, but not here. Come with me.”
Logan extends a hand in my direction and I grab it for dear life. We’re almost running down the corridors until we join a deserted room with sofas and a small table. This place is even bigger than what I imagined. The noises from another life come to us in a distant wave, almost inaudible. I look down at James. He’s not sleeping this time; he looks as agitated as me, his eyes searching a spot to rest on without finding it. Logan makes sure I sit in one of the sofas before he sits next to me with the sternest face I’ve ever seen.
“I’ll tell you what you want to know, but I need to warn you first. This might hurt, like nothing else, but I’m here.”
Oh my! His eyes are now a perfect gold and I can read so much…love in them. It's not the right moment for that girl! Rogue, breathe! In and out, in and out, like that, yes, you’re doing good!
“Okay, I’m ready.”
Ready? What are you talking about? Did I just take his hand in mine? Because, well it seems that I didn’t even realize I was doing this...and the knuckle rubbing stuff with my thumb too. It’s so intimate, so…familiar. Damnit, concentrate!!
“Where should I start? There’s so much to say.”
“Starting by the beginning doesn’t sound that bad.”
A half smile appears on his face as his gaze drops to the floor.
“Yeah, not bad at all.”
A long silence stretches as Logan regains his composure.
“You...arrived here almost a year ago.”
“And what about you?”
“The same tame as you. We arrived here the same day.”
“The same day? Did we know each other before getting here?”
“Yeah. We met in Canada.”
Do I look confused? I don't remember being in Canada...
“You hid in my trailer after seeing me in a fight bar.”
A what?!!
“We had a kind of accident, and Xavier found us. It was some tough accident of sort and his guys found us. I mean, Storm and Cyclops.”
“And so we stayed here since. But still there’s something I can’t get. You told me that I’ve been here for almost a year but I can only remember half of it. The half after I woke up in this room with the professor sitting next to me. There's the other part that I just can’t remember and no one will tell me what exactly happened to me. I was told for the white streaks and Magneto, the Professor also told me I had been away and that I had an accident. but nothing more...”
Logan’s expression falls for a split second before he adds with the saddest smile I've ever seen:
“Yeah. The accident is me.”
What the hell? I don’t like the sound of this.
“What do you mean?”
“It happened one night soon after I returned from a trip, a lead that was supposed to help me discover parts of my lost past. I… This is… We slept together, Marie.”
“Holy Mother…! I mean… Holy…Mother of God......!”
“Yeah, something like that. It didn’t happen only once. I’m… I love you with all I am, but I only end up hurting you...I couldn't wait; I wouldn't. And I hurt you. It's my fault; everything that you're going through, it's because of me.”
Rogue, breathe!!!
“What? What do you mean? You hurt me?”
“Not like you seem to think, but yeah. You were pregnant, but I didn’t know at the time, I wasn’t sure. Xavier came to know what happened between us, and he was mad like the devil in hell himself. I was your teacher, you weren’t... legal, I crossed all the lines. And I ran away with you one night.”
Oh. My. God. My heart is only a mess of beats right now. Is this real? For all this time I was hoping that Logan was James’ father, all this time I was trying to sort out the feelings I had for him… And it was real, everything was true.
“But how come I don’t remember? How come I can’t put my finger on those events?”
“Dr Grey, Jean took care of that. She’s the one that discovered us the night we ran away and she alerted the whole damn mansion. When I brought you back two months later, she made sure you would never remember me.”
“Why would she want to do that? And now… just what’s wrong with her?”
“I guess she had some sick reasons.”
“Why did you bring me back anyway, if you knew that she was there and that she was the one who made us leave this place? Why would you bring me back knowing that you would only meet hostility from everyone?”
“Because...you were dying, and there was nothing I could do. Xavier’s was the only place where I could get some help.”
I'd be damned if it's not tears I see forming in his eyes...Logan...crying?
“What happened to me?” My voice is so weak that it’s merely a whisper.
Logan’s eyes dig into mine, tears streaming down his beautiful face. He’s searching for forgiveness. But if what I feel for him is true, there is nothing to forgive, because I wanted all that happened, I wanted all of him. I tighten my grip on his hand as tears escape and run down my face too. I mean, it’s so fucked up, so unfair!
“The baby, my baby manifested in you. He was…sucking the life out of you and triggered all the memories of my past you had in your head. You were living them all at the same time, I mean physically and mentally. It was too much for you to take and that’s why you were in a coma; I thought…I thought I’d lost you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Everything, all this shit you’re going through, it’s because of me. Forgive me.”
Logan, no...there's nothing to forgive...
“There is nothing to forgive, because you didn’t do anything wrong Logan, you hear me? You didn’t hurt me, you wouldn’t, never. I wanted this, I wanted you…and I wanted our baby too.”
“But look at what I did to you! And it’s….”
“I chose that path out of many others. I chose you. I guess I wanted you more than anything. And I love *you* more than anything.”
“No, you don’t, you can’t. Not after what I did to you…”
“You’re wrong Logan. You know, I often wondered why you cared so much about James and me, why you were there all these times for us, why James and you seemed to share this bond thicker than blood. I often wished you were the one we belonged to. You’ve been my life line ever since I woke up. If it hadn’t been for you, I don’t think I would have made it this far. Especially that part when our wonderful baby boy came to this world. It would have been impossible without you Logan. You’ve been my strength, all this time. So, believe me when I say it’s not over.”
What am I rambling about? Where does that knowledge come from...? A howl from deep within my mind...
I feel so calm that it’s almost scary. I need to feel him; I need to know that he’s okay. Now I can’t stop myself. I lean down to him, our lips now only inches apart. I can feel his warmth, his need, and all the things he won’t voice. Then I do it, for the both of us to be saved, to be united again; I kiss him, holding our baby in my arms, I kiss him with all the love I have. He kisses me back, almost desperately, one hand cupping my cheek, the other on my neck, drawing me closer to him. I’m at peace, right here and now. I found my place in this world, as simply as this, here in this room with Logan and our baby. Our baby. Now, it all makes sense. I felt it ever since that day in that room, the day I saw him getting in with the Professor; I had this feeling that I was linked to him in a way I couldn’t describe. But it was true. Everything was real.
“I…wasn’t a fool you know.”
Logan pulls away a little but he’s still very close, so close that I can see his pupils dilate slowly as I can feel waves of hunger washing over him. He doesn’t speak a word; he just looks at me intently, expectantly.
“All those times you called me baby, that day when you called me by my real name. And… you know, I knew somehow that we must have shared something special at some point in our lives, but yet, I needed proof. I was so much attracted to you, you felt so familiar. Every touch, every smile seemed like a secret promise of something I couldn’t name. I thought it was only concern, but it grew stronger every time I saw you. And finally, it all makes sense. I never took the time to tell you Logan, but thank you; for everything.”
“You don’t have to...I did nothing.”
Logan leans again for a long, long kiss and a considerable number of unspoken promises. But I’m not a fool. Even if I know now what he feels, I know that there’s a dark side to him too. A side I didn’t meet yet. He’s so full of doubts about himself, about his ability to be loved and to love in return. And there are the others, the Professor and Dr Grey. God, it’s so scary! But I won’t lose against her, never. Her or anyone else.
“Do you think I can go back to my room?”
“No...”
“Logan, don’t do anything foolish.”
“…”
“Logan! What do you have in mind?”
“Don’t worry ‘bout that kid.”
I don't like it one bit. Something tells me Dr. Grey is in no safety in a hundred miles perimeter around Logan.
“Anyway, you two sleep in my room tonight.”
“You… you won’t listen to me, right? You’re not God you know. You can’t judge people and decide whether they should live or die. No matter what she did to me, I’m not asking this. I’ll never ask you this; killing to avenge me. You’re not a killer.”
“Marie. You have no idea how much what you saw is wrong.”
“What?”
“I *am* a goddamn killer. Haven’t you ever asked yourself why I had those.” a cold and now too familiar ‘snikt’ like sound accompany a set of angry looking blades as Logan stands up extending an arm at a safe distance. “They gave them to me for me to kill, and I made a damn big use of them until now. They didn’t turn me into an animal, Marie, I was one long before I met those sick bastards in the labs. I’m an animal.”
“No you’re not!! You’re not, heard me? You’re not a murderer and *these* won’t change anything, or the metal running through your body. You are a man, a man I love.”
The three blades slowly slide back into place. I look at them almost with awe. I wonder if it hurts when they come out and in again. It’s true though. He told me about the metal, but never about how it happened to be there. Come on, this is sick, how is it even possible?
“They poured it on my bones by surgery. And I was awake the whole damn time. They wanted me to be unbreakable, and with my mutation, turn me into an invulnerable killing machine.”
Was I voicing all of it?
“But they never made it Logan!!”
“Sometimes, I hope they hadn’t, but it’s in me. It’s a part of me; the Wolverine, I’m him and he’s me. When I say, I’m an animal, it’s not an image. He’s always there, fighting for control every time. Might sound foolish, but with you, the fight was less intense. It seemed that we agreed on a few things when it came to you. He keeps on telling me that you’re mine, ever since the day we met.”
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know whether I should be scared or more in love with him, and I have the feeling that it’s not the first time I feel this way about Logan. My eyes are glued to his, mesmerized it seems by the ghosts of fear and hope they seem to recognize in them.
Mine.
This feeling is so deeply rooted in me. Logan is mine. It’s…too much to bear; I want him, I want to ease his mind. I feel James tense up in my arms as those feelings grow stronger from my chest and then washing through my whole body wave after wave. I’m burning.
“Mine.”
__________________________________________________________
What? Oh, you temptress. If it wasn’t for the baby in your arms, I’d have you scream my name right here and right now. But I know better. We still have things to talk out.
“Yours.”
It’s not even a question. She’s so confident. She’s looking at me dead straight, her eyes a little darker than usual. The Wolverine inside me takes it as a signal to claim her and sends burning waves of want and hunger through my veins, and damn, my jeans are starting to shrink dangerously. Say something old man!
I’m. Burning.
“So where do we go from here?” I heard it...so long ago...a lifetime ago.
“Does it matter?”
Mmm… She dares me? I love that. No! Keep the beast under control, she has James in her arms for fuck’s sake! Focus! On what? On her? No!! Think about something else, try to be romantic, once in your useless life! Yeah, romance… This is ridiculous, I don’t do romance, damn it, I’m the Wolverine. Move, yeah, good plan. Walk? Terrific! Now, get in gear!
I try to take her hand, inviting her to follow me but all I get is a look, The Look. No, Marie, please, don’t do this. She keeps on staring at me like she had discovered something, a new kind of knowledge about me, about us.
“We tried too hard and we didn’t make it, but now I want to do things right. I want things to be right for the three of us. So, if you’ll have us Logan…”
“’Course I will, you’re mine, both of you.”
I lost it, again. The Wolverine crashes down to her lips before I can object, thrusting his tongue demandingly in her sweet mouth. Oh God, I can’t hold it back anylonger. I want her. Now!
“Logan. I… I don’t think it’s the right place or moment for that. We have all the time in the world...”
Am I starting to have hallucinations?
“If it’s a promise, you’ll have to keep it, woman.”
“Yeah, I learned from the best, Logan, I learned from you. Now come on, the others are certainly looking for us.”
For the first time, Marie takes the lead. I realize with a tiny feeling of sadness that it’s only the beginning of her emancipation. I can’t help but smile at the thought. She’s stronger; even stronger than me maybe.
We go back to her room, exchanging heated looks and grinning foolishly to ourselves, still trying to feel the novelty of our old love. Well, for her it is in a way. I make sure that the coast is clear before letting her in. It all seems so normal, no trace of the scene I saw when I came earlier, finding the redheaded doctor lying limply on the floor. Hank picked her up and brought her to the Med bay. Even her scent completely faded, strangely enough, if you want my opinion. 12:30, time for a due break!
“It’s almost time for lunch, you hungry? We could go to the dinner hall together if you want.”
“Yes, sounds great, but not right now. I need to change and breast James first.”
“Want me to go?”
“No, you can stay if you want. I’ll need a little help anyway.”
Okay, so uh, yeah, baby changing and breasting? Piece of cake.
“Yeah, sure. What you want me to do?”
“There are a few clean towels in the bag on the bed, would you please lay one on the bedspread?”
Towels, there it is, okay.
“Diapers?”
“Yes, please and wet cloths and baby powder.”
“Okay, there.”
She lays James on the towel very carefully, like he was made of glass or something, then starts to undo his blue pj’s. That’s only now I realize that it’s the one I offered her a few days after she woke up. I didn’t know why I chose blue, but anyway, seems I was well inspired.
“You seem to have some practice, that’s amazing.”
“In fact, no, not really. I spent very small time with James if you consider the way things went. Dr McCoy showed me once, but that’s about all I had as a mother lesson.”
“But you’re doing great, for sure, like you were born for that.”
She sends me a kind of glare before going back to her activities. What did I say wrong?
“I’m almost done; can you give me one of the bibs, the white one with a blue ribbon?”
“This one?”
“Yeah, thanks.”
I can’t help but feel completely out of place right now. I mean, I’ve rarely seen a baby from this close you know, diaper changing and stuff. And I must confess that I’m a tiny bit nervous about it all. Yet thank God she didn’t ask me to actually proceed with all the things she used to change James, well because, I really didn’t know until today what baby powder was for and in what position it came.
Now she closes everything she opened and sits down on the bed next to my baby boy. He can’t stop looking at her with those heart breaking green-golden eyes, hazel eyes in fact if you give them more attention, like mine. I stay there, grounded, rooted to the wooden floor, taking in all the information my brain can process: the way she looks back at James, the way she takes him in her arms, like it was the world’s most precious treasure, the way she bends down to kiss his forehead softly. She slides down her top’s zipper putting two glorious breasts into the light of the room. My breath hitches involuntarily as my eyes process the smoothness of the skin there. Marie cups one of them almost tenderly, undoes the clip of the cup of her bra and carefully directs the rosy nipple into James mouth. It’s more than I can actually take. It’s both beautiful like a peaceful scenery, and violently arousing, like... Well Like I shouldn’t be picturing right now. Back to shrink land as my lower body’s starting to send alarming signals of pain, screaming for release. Breathe, yeah, deep and steady, just like that.
Marie frowns, deep. She winces as James gulps demandingly, sucking almost savagely at her breast.
“What’s wrong, did he hurt you?”
“Yes, just a little.”
“Maybe you should take a small break. He’s sucking so hard that he’s sweating.”
“You’re probably right.”
She slowly disengages her nipple from James mouth and lets out a gasp of surprise as her gaze drops on two reddish marks on the skin right above where the baby was sucking. Two perfect marks, like teeth or something like that. Did I mention that I am slightly panicked at the sight? Marie hazards a finger in James’ mouth only to take it off right away, her eyes twice as bigger than they were. I kneel down in front of her, too bewildered to speak. The kid actually bit me as I put the tip of my finger in his tiny mouth. I lift up his top lip carefully, uncovering two small white fangs that were boring through the pinky top gum. Holy shit. They were small, yes, but they were sharp enough to hurt. Shit, I don’t have fangs! Try to stay calm old man, the atmosphere is loaded enough.
“Logan, oh my God...”
I’d be lying if I told her that it was normal, but the truth is well, uh, fucked up?
“Don’t worry baby, it’s okay...”
Who are you trying to convince here?
“Logan, two-days old newborns don’t have teeth, and they don’t bite! This is… Oh, please James, forgive me! What did momma do to you my baby?”
“Oh no, Marie, you’re not going there again! This little boy is perfect, he’s not...”
“But Logan...Oh my baby, what momma did to you?”
“We’ll find a way!”
James really made it this far but now, I guess he’s pissed, and he cries at top of his small lungs. I move my hands carefully and draw him to my arms.
“Sshh…I’m sorry Jimmy. I wasn’t angry after your mom. Hey, I’m sorry. Yeah, daddy shouldn’t have shouted, I know…”
Wait a minute, rewind! ‘daddy’? That is, uh, new. Shit, I need to sit down, now!
“Logan, you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just…”
Marie smiles softly as she straightens herself, zipping back up her top.
I'm a dad...I hadn't realized that.
“I didn’t want to do it right away, but I guess we’re going to have to see Hank.” Marie adds more sternly.
“Yeah, guess it’s best.”
“And as long as we don’t know what’s going on exactly, I don’t want James to be in contact with everyone.”
Damn it, Marie!
“I can understand that.” The scowl on my face says otherwise.
“Come on, it’s not like I’m going to lock myself in this room for ever; it’s just for a few days, until we know it’s okay.”
“Okay, but I’ll stay with you, you heard me; and *that* is not an option. I’ll give a call to Hank later, but first things first, you need to eat. We’ll wait until everyone is back to class, then we’ll get down and grab a bite.”
“Sounds great!”
“Yummy!”
Author's Notes:
Hey, everyone!
Chapter 8 in stores! It took me quite some time to have it out, but I hope you'll like it.
Disclamers: I own nothing at all...........
It’s night already. Hank came even before I called him this afternoon. He said he was a little worried about James’ health so he also had Xavier coming to check on him. They said he was fine, no trace of his ‘meal’. Talking of which, red is still in the Med Lab, and it seems more serious than what I first thought, but well, she partly has what she deserves, yet my only regret is that I couldn’t do it myself. It had to be my boy. It hurts like hell to admit it but, he’s so much like me, he seems to have all our powers, Marie’s and mine, but in a more dangerous way; and he’s still a baby, so he can’t have any kind of control over it all. I try my best not to show my concern, but in the end, I’m just lying to myself. We are mutants, our baby is a mutant. He has this thin blond duvet all over his little body, those huge changing eyes and fangs. I wouldn’t be surprised, not even a bit if he suddenly had claws popping out from between his tiny knuckles. But he looks so peaceful right now, so perfect. He’s sleeping next to me, it was the only way to got him calm enough to actually fall asleep. Marie stayed in her room but her door remained opened, so that he can still feel her presence. I guess she was a little, well…uh, shocked after all the things that happened today, she’d keep on rambling about how she gave a fucked up mutation to our kid, blaming herself for whatever would go wrong in his life in the future. No matter how hard I tried to comfort her, she’d only cry and tell me I’m wrong. She became more and more confused then, so Hank gave her something to sleep. I guess that James felt that his mother wasn’t okay, so he just kept crying, even after his voice had gone hoarse from screaming for hours.
I close my eyes, I just try to hear Marie and James’ heartbeats. They beat in rhythm, in total harmony, like one single being; they beat for me it seems, calming me down, soothing me. Maybe from now on, I can hope to see things differently. I have a family. It’s funny though, I never saw myself as some family man, and as time goes by, I really think I can do it, and maybe even enjoy it. I don’t think I can explain what Marie and James mean to me and certainly, Xavier finally got my point. I know I didn’t play it right at the beginning, but I want things to change, I want to make it right, just like Marie said. All those years without her, fighting and fucking around like there was no tomorrow, it wasn’t even a shadow of a life. I realized that the very minute I allowed myself to think about her, back on that snow covered road in goddamn Alberta, looking at her fragile silhouette vanishing in the rear view mirror as I ran like hell from her and all the things she already meant to me. I don’t even want to imagine my life now if I hadn’t stopped.
I look over her dormant form once more and I can’t help but smile smugly. I’m proud of what she did so far, proud of what she is and proud of what she’ll become. I have no doubt she’ll get up again after that ultimate fight, no doubt she’ll come back to me again. Marie gave me the most perfect and beautiful gift. She fought for him, I was there, and she gave all she had even without knowing what was really going on, without knowing *I* was the father. I can’t fuck this up, never.
The night is here but I just can’t allow my eyes to find rest in the bliss of sleep. It’s all too new, and I don’t want it to stop. I’m afraid to do something irreparable with James being so close to me. What if I had a nightmare and accidently hurt him? I wish I could say ‘fuck my insecurities and that damn past I just might never know’. But I just can’t seem to let go. One thing’s worrying me though. Marie seemed to have a connection with my lost memories, as if they were simply stored in some file up in her head, whereas I’ve never been able to access them. Maybe they’re still in my head just the same. Maybe if I push a little more I’ll be able to remember something, else than greenish water filled tanks and me saying my last prayers as gigantic power drills dig into my skull. I often see this one in my nightmares, when my emotions and fears are too strong to be controlled even in the midst of sleep. Maybe if I can find them and find the strength to face them, the nightmares might just disappear. A Wolverine without his nightmares, feels a little, uh… not natural. But I lose nothing giving it a shot. How could I do that anyway?
I try to relax, breathing deep, eyes closed a little less tightly. I give in to a kind of weird meditation. I try to empty myself from all the locked up tensions, overwhelming feelings and thoughts. There, just the sound of the air filling and leaving my lungs, harmonized heartbeats. It’s exactly that. I’m relaxed, out of time it seems. I dive deeper than this pain, deeper than those white coats and those power drills, deeper than this fear.
***********************
I see something; it’s a little blurred but definitely there, a face smiling at me softly, a woman. I try to see her more clearly but I can’t, she’s familiar though, I know her. Come on, just a little more. Yeah, that’s it. I’m in her arms and she’s the most exquisite thing I’ve ever laid my eyes on. I’m small, so small, lost in her embrace, lost in her beautiful honey brown eyes. Who is she? She touches my face ever so softly, dropping random feather light kisses on my forehead and cheeks. I want to hug her but I can’t, I can’t move, I’m too weak. I feel wet trails of cold sweat running down my temples. She’s sad, almost helplessly, desperately out of hope it seems. I want to reach out and ease her pain, but lifting my hand to her face is almost more than what I can give. I try to speak but my voice won’t cooperate. Why is she crying? She lays me in a bed and kisses my forehead one last time before disappearing behind the door.
__________________________________________________________
Wow, Hank really gave me the rhino dose of somniferous. I’m feeling so dizzy. I must have been really upset yesterday, I don’t remember much... At the strange silence of the place I assume that Logan already left. I get up and walk to the other room peaking through the in between door left ajar. Yeah, he left and took James with him. I told him I didn’t want him to be close to the others for instance, what is he thinking of? What if something bad happened? I won’t forgive myself.
Stop that Rogue! Now take a shower and dress up! Stop hurting yourself for things that didn’t even happen, isn’t it what everyone keeps on telling you? Okay, you can do it? Yes! You’re a mom! And you will *have* to learn to express your feelings with other words than ‘fuck’, ‘shit’, and every other words of the same range. What example are you giving to James? Think of it! Oh gosh, I’m so sounding like my mom. Are all women becoming rambling farts when they become mothers? I hope not…
I slip quietly from my room with James’ baby bag, in an attempt to find Logan. Where could the ‘Wolf and the cub’ be right now? Kitchen? Yeah, that sounds more than a possibility and I need to give James, well, you know, his ‘breakfast’. Hank gave me baby bottles and special formula yesterday when we told him about the fact that… Oh, I can’t even say the word yet. My baby has…oh no, I really can’t. Logan acts like it’s all normal but, I can’t help but think that it’s not. I guess I’m unfair and extremely wrong here. Shouldn’t I be proud of my baby no matter what he looks like? I’m so ashamed of the way I deal with this. I’m freaking out. I guess that’s what my parents felt when my mutation popped up its ugly head, I wasn’t perfect anymore and they pushed me away with one single gesture of the hand, like I was nothing more than dust on the windowsill. I can’t do this to my son, I won’t do it. But it’s not the only problem. I’m also afraid, I don’t know if I can be a good mom. Logan told me that I was ‘born to do it’, but frankly, I doubt that. Changing diapers is one fact; take care of a child, a person, is another one. I’ve never done this before, never really took that good care of myself either, I don’t even know where to start. I can’t have people helping me all the time; I’m responsible for someone’s life now! What if I messed up? So much for my theatrical tirade about doing things right yesterday. I’m scared and I don’t know how right things can be from now. I mean, what’s everyone’s going to say? I’m still a student, and, oh God, I had a baby with one of the teachers. Just how people are going to see me right now? Should have thought of this a long time ago. Now, there’s nothing else to do but walk the path that lies before me. I made my bed, now I’m going to have to lie in it.
“Hey, Rogue! It’s so good to see you again!”
Storm! She hugs me tightly before letting me go and take a general look at me.
“Good morning Storm.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Well, I guess I’m fine, thanks.”
“And once again congratulations, it’s a beautiful little boy you have.”
I really don’t know what to say. Does she really think it? Come on, it’s Storm, she wouldn’t tell a lie. She’s always been honest with me, well as much as I can remember. I enjoyed the moments we spent together when I was up in this room, hooked to hundreds of beeping machines; just talking with her made me feel better. Yet, does she know? Was she told that Logan was the father? In fact I never really wondered what people here knew exactly about our story. I guess that the teachers know, according to what Logan told me and according to their attitude towards him all the time I was pregnant. But with Storm it was different, I don’t really know why, but I think I can trust her.
“Thank you Storm! By the way, I’m looking for Logan; you know where I can find him?”
“Yes, he was in the Rec. room just a moment ago struggling with a nursing-bottle and a boy who refused to cooperate.”
She sounds amused by the scene she’s describing and I can perfectly understand why. Have you seen Logan? 6’2” frame, muscles ready to bounce, permanent scowl on the face, gruff and edgy and all? That must have been something.
“You think I need to intervene?” I ask, faking wariness.
She eyes me almost playfully.
“I think he’s doing quite well for a beginner if you want my opinion.”
Are we talking about the same person here?
“I’d better go and see if there are any survivors.”
“You’d be quite surprised.” She teases.
I pause a little, consciously letting her know that I want to ask her something important. I don’t know if I should tell her, I need to know though. I just can’t ask Logan about that. But what if...Come on Rogue, just say it!
“Storm, do you have any news from Dr Grey? I’m… worried.”
“I was told that she was getting better. But…”
“Storm please, I need to know if she’s okay.”
Storm’s features fall for a split second before she adds, smiling sadly:
“She’s alive, Rogue. That’s all I know. The Professor won’t let anyone see her. He said that it was quite serious.”
“Oh my God…”
“I know what happened yesterday, and it wasn’t you’re fault or anyone else’s. Jean… is not quite herself lately, and…it started… Rogue, you need to know that nobody’s mad at you…”
“Storm, please, I need to know. What’s wrong with Dr Grey, why did she try to hurt me? That’s what she was trying to do, right? I sensed it, and James too.”
“Rogue, I’m so sorry”
She has tears in her eyes, I didn’t mean it. Is it this bad? She pauses a very long time before adding
“It all started a few weeks before you left with... Logan, all those months ago.”
She knows. Everything.
“What do you mean? Storm, Logan told me what happened...You can tell me now.”
“That’s… It’s quite a complex situation, Rogue, you need to understand that. I know the wrong that Jean did to you and Logan, but… She’s not as bad as what you think she is.”
Storm hugs me one more time before leaving me all alone, standing in the hallway with all kinds of scenarios popping up in my dizzy head. What she says about Dr Grey is so unnerving. She’s so... I was scared, I mean, I almost crapped my pants when I saw those weird flames in her eyes. How come the professor didn’t do anything to stop her? According to Logan, all our actual misery started that night when she saw us. Well, I mean, I know we were not on the right side of the law that night, but I’m sure there were other ways to deal with the situation.
God, I need to move, I’ll drive myself crazy with those questions. Anyway, it’s too late to do anything right now, and we’ll be okay as long as she’s away from us. Still I can’t live like this; I need to be sure that James is safe. James and Logan. I can’t remember having such a feeling before; it’s so deep. I *need* to know that they’re okay. I need to get things clear too. I need answers, and if Storm wasn’t willing to give them, I’ll ask to the Professor himself, for he sure knows more than he wants me to believe.
******************************
I finally find James and Logan in a small lounge, just like the one we were in yesterday. James is in his arms, sucking calmly at the bottle, like there’s not a care in the world. Once again, it’s like they’re all alone; they are beautiful. I’m feeling so out of place…
Come on, look at me! How come a man like Logan was interested in me in the first place? The guy is sex on legs. And he… wait a minute. His mutation…Logan’s mutation. No, Rogue, you’re not going there again! You love Logan. You. Love. Logan. There’s no one to blame, you heard me?
I step closer, but I guess that Logan felt my trouble, because he eyes me with those questioning hazel mirrors, his lips pursed. Speak, Rogue, say something!
“Hey…” It’s lame! I’m panicking, oh no, I’m hyperventilating! Calm down!
“You okay?”
The eyebrow now. Okay, calm down and try to breathe.
“Yeah, I’m…perfect. I was looking for you.”
“We were in the Rec. room, but it feels less crowded here. You sure you’re okay? You look a little pale.”
“Yes, I’m fine! But I’m… I thought we agreed on not letting James with so many people around. You should have told me.”
“Hank said he’s fine.”
“Hank is not his mom!” Ouch, I didn’t mean to say it like that. What’s wrong with me? Why am I bitching like that? Logan is being really nice, what's wrong with me?
“Marie, tell me what’s wrong.”
“Oh, nothing is wrong Logan! I just thought we agreed on this one little thing, why did you have to bring James here?”
“James is okay, he’s not going to hurt anyone as long as he doesn’t feel he's in danger.”
“What? What is it, what do you mean?”
Oh God, I am *not* feeling right. It's too hot in here...
“That’s what Hank told us, remember? Baby what’s wrong?”
“I told you what is wrong, Logan! Give me my baby, now!”
“Marie, calm down, there's no need to be upset. Look for yourself...”
I’m losing it, I know I should shut the hell up, but I can’t. It’s stronger than me; I need to take it out on someone!
“You want to know the truth, uh? Wanna know why I’m so upset?”
I can’t say it. I can’t! It’s not his fault or mine, it just is. Our baby’s a mutant, what did I expect? I love him, I can’t make him responsible for James’ mutation. All I can do is cry, but I’ll never tell him why, never. I need to burry those feelings as deep as I can. It’s not his fault…
“Marie, baby, come here.”
I can’t move, I can’t make my legs obey the orders my brain is giving. I want to move, slump next to Logan and burry my face in his chest and forget about the thoughts raging in my mind, but I’m grounded.
He does it; he moves, slowly, like he doesn’t want to startle me.
I’m so sorry Logan. I’m sorry for the horrible things I’m thinking right now, but I’ll get over it, I swear to God that I will! Forgive me.
“I’m sorry Logan.”
He doesn’t ask why. He just wraps his free arm around me in a tight embrace.
****
Long moments pass as we stay slumped against one another. James is in Logan's arms, humming, purring, doing his baby stuff. None of us has spoken a word. We're just there in a kind of scared silence. My emotional outburst seems to have affected Logan greatly even if he won't say it, letting me know I've scared him; hurt him.
I don't want to move. I have a baby with this man I hardly know anything about. How are we supposed to work things out? He seems to know me though, know when I'm upset, or sad, or happy. And there's this other part of him he so obviously tries to control all the time. He talked about a 'Wolverine'...
What's that supposed to mean? Is he an animal deep down inside? He talked about it like I'm supposed to know everything about it; sorry but I don't. And I'm scared right now. Scared but in love...How is it even possible.
I need to talk to someone. I can't tell Logan...I don't want to hurt him, but these feelings are growing stronger by the moment. I don't want them to overwhelm me.
Did I know about it from the start? What are we...? How much of him do I know?
"Kid...?" Logan dissolves the silence of the room and stops anymore thought to form in my head.
"Yes?"
He takes a very long pause, inhaling very deeply, taking in my scent.
"You're scared..."
Holy Cow...!
"I'm... upset, yes. It's so new."
"Marie, don't lie to me. Don't do this."
He seems to plead with me, beg me. But I can't do it, not to him. I'm divided...
"Baby talk to me. You know you can tell me everything. We...we've never kept secrets from one another. You can't let it devour you. I'm here, I can help."
"Logan" I start, my voice unsure, still searching. "I'm sorry but I don't remember...Even if you told me everything, it doesn't mean that it all makes sense up in my head. I know I love you, this much is true. But...the rest is so much like a blur. And...Oh God, Logan I'm scared! Not only for James. I'm so sorry..."
He doesn't say a word, his face ashen; like his last drop of blood just left his body. An empty shell. Lord, that's not what I wanted...
"Logan, talk to me please!"
"Marie, you're...Are you afraid of me?"
And the it hits home. Something clicks inside. I need to touch him. It's the only way. I can't stay like that, I don't want to be afraid of him...
Logan...
"Please touch me..." Tears stream down along my cheeks.
"Marie, baby, you're upset, if I touched you...I don't want to make things worse."
"Logan, please. Touch me. I need to know, I need to feel you..." All of you.
I disengage from our tight embrace and look at him intently. James is completely still, like he sensed that the least move could startle me, make me run from them and never come back.
I take him in my arms, kiss his soft cheek tenderly, and lay him down on the space on the coach between Logan and I. Lifting a shaky hand in Logan's direction, I see him leaning in even before our skins make contact. His eyes are closed, awaiting, loving me even when I move to hurt him.
Then it starts, but I'm not touching him yet. Images flood my mind, smothering me.
Logan laying on the floor, in a kind of torch. His face is livid, blood oozing from deep gashes on his ravaged face and body. Something howls in me: *I* did it to him. It's all coming back in a rush. I was dead. Logan saved me; for the second time.
I look down again. Startled eyes look back at me. It hurts. My shoulder and my arm hurt like fire. I can't breathe. Logan is just before me, his face so beautiful. I want to touch him, one last time before I leave this world. That's when I feel it.
The pull at everything that's inside of him, everything that made him what he is. Pain and darkness, scattered hopes and joys...until he laid eyes on me. Light...
A light brighter than day envelopes me; his love. It's so strong. I become nothing, everything, him...His.
__________________________________________________________
Marie. What's happening? Answer me!
What have I done?
*************************
Two weeks later.
Classes have started again and Marie is back to school. I really thought I'd lost her for good this time. But she came back to her senses after a long moment of agony it seems. She didn't touch me, her skin mere inches from mine, but I felt the pull. James was still but his eyes glinted strangely, a look a baby shouldn't have in its eyes. Old and weary...my own two eyes.
Marie does her best. She's busy with studying and taking care of our son. I help her as much as I can. The Professor gave her a special schedule but I can see she's exhausted. Classes in the morning and special meetings with him in the afternoon.
She knows everything there is to know now. She knows she's still in danger, knows what happened with Jean and everything about her and I. She knows how much I ruined her life. I thought love would be enough; I was wrong.
I see the way people look at her and at me. It's not a secret anymore that Marie and I had a baby together. A teacher and a student and their dirty little secret revealed to the whole right world. A very selected few stayed close to her and help her out, and I really need to thank them for that. They don't know what it means to us to have people we can count on. Hell, *I* am relieved to see she still has friends here. Otherwise it would have been hell. And surprisingly, Ol' One Eye is one of them. Storm showed a discrete but constant support, as for Hank. It's harder to know about Xavier. He helps Marie out, a lot, and he likes James. But in his eyes I'm still public enemy number one. He knows I love Marie and that she loves me back but I know that he never approved of us. Not like I needed his permission, but I know how much it counts for my girl to know that people around her appreciate me...
None of her former friends held the distance though. Everyone was excited at first after James' birth, but once they knew who the father was, their enthusiasm died like a sound. Sad, really sad; for Marie.
She's changed. A lot. She smiles rarely, almost never laughs if not been for James.
Our son is so big, so tall, that you'd never figure he's not even one month old. According to Hank, he has my enhanced regenerative powers, among others and the ability to 'grow up' rapidly...Wonder what kind of mutation it is... A fucked up one? Yeah something like that. If the government hears rumors about the Wolverine's natural child, we'll be knee deep into trouble.
That's one of the reasons we're still here. I want my cub and my mate to be safe, and Xavier's the perfect place to keep'em that way.
That and the fact that Marie could need the Professor's help any moment. It kills me not to be able to do a damn thing about that. But that's how I am when it come to Marie: powerless.
I let her have a nap right now. She took a sup' class in English Lit., she wants to be a teacher after college. She still has to catch up for her lost year, and she does wonders. I'm so proud of her. That's why I don't wake her up when she sleeps at five in the afternoon. She needs it.
She stirs though and mumbles something about Shakespeare and Rimbaud and lost poets...
"Marie, baby, wake up..." I try in a whisper. She's so cute right now. Her face puffy with sleep, her silky brown and platinum hair all over the place.
"Logan? What time is it? I been sleeping?"
"Yeah and I wouldn't have it any other way."
"No! No, nononono...I'm late! I promised Jubes to join her at the library to study a text together. She's gonna kill me..."
"The firecracker knows you were asleep. She also knows it's most needed sleep, so why don't you go check on James and come back to bed? I'll get you something from the kitchen for later when you wake up."
"Logan, I can't...You can't let me sleep at five in the afternoon, I got things to do, in case you didn't know..."
"Hey, shhh...s'okay. You also need to rest, brave as you are."
I'm lying in bed like there's not a care in the world. I can smell the change in her...God, I need her...now!
__________________________________________________________
What's with Logan? He's looking at me like he hadn't eaten for ages and I'm his next meal. Don't know if I should be scared or thrilled.
I go and check on James. He's sleeping peacefully. Good. I can go back to bed. I must confess I really *need* it.
I make it back to our room and lie back in bed, this time under the covers. It's strange though. I feel strange. Even if we share a room now, Logan and I rarely sleep in the same bed. Whether because he goes on missions at night or because he can't sleep because of the nightmares. But yeah...we never actually 'slept' in the same bed at the same time. And having him now so close is a...distracting.
I try not to think too much about it and slip deeper under the covers trying to get rid of my jeans and my sweater without putting on a show.
Logan looks at me even more intently. Oh God. I know I am *not* peeing in my pants right now...it's...Oh no...! Press your thighs together; do not feel excited, do not imagine his hands on you! Heard me?! Tell the sun not to rise, girl!
Lord, I'm screwed, I'm so screwed...No, nononono, I'm doomed, I'm doomed!
Don't move damnit, Rogue! Don't turn around!!
Too late! Two green-golden eyes look back at me unmoving. Logan draws me closer to him and... Holy Cow! I *know* he doesn't put his wallet there... What do I do? What do I do? Okay, Rogue relax. He's not going to eat you, is he? Yes he is, just look at his eyes! You're screwed, or gonna be...very soon.
"Logan, what are you doing?"
"Shh...s'okay baby, s'okay."
"Logan..." Is it me speaking? My voice is, well too breathy, too needy, too...Oh God I can't resist it anymore, I want him!
Author's Notes:
Sorry guys for the long, loooong wait. Here's a very short chapter, mostly Marie POV. Rated for obvious reasons...They're back together and it's gonna be a night to remember...
I hope you'll enjoy!
Once again, I own nothing but my laptop and a massive dose of imagination!
The lights are still on, and it makes Logan’s presence even more vivid and real in the small space of the bed. Suddenly the world has narrowed to his mesmerizing gaze sweeping over my face, trying to read me it seems. I’m holding my breath, biting my tongue afraid to say something I shouldn’t and ruin everything. I know that this moment between us is important, it’s our reunion, our time to re-discover our relationship beyond the *knowledge* of our love.
Tonight will seal our fate, and I’m scared out of my mind. Those feelings I thought I had buried long ago come back to the surface, and I’m sure James has nothing to do with it; those are all and truly mine.
Logan’s gaze doesn’t quiver, holding mine unblinkingly. The gold in them swirls and shifts, letting me know that he’s not alone here. The Wolverine, the blood hungry beast is here too but the fight is on. Logan is fighting him with every ounce of control he has and it frightens me even more. What if he actually lost the fight, lost control while we’re so intimate? I’ve never felt such a fear before, not for Logan, never, that I can tell. It’s so strong I’m almost suffocating. But I’m aroused too, and he *knows* it. He can smell it, taste it on his tongue without even sampling me. I want the man, but I’m not sure I want the beast. I saw it when I touched him a few months before; saw what the Wolverine could do, what he was like. He’s savage and brutal and most of all hurt and desperate, and there’s nothing more dangerous than an injured animal…
I never thought I’d be so conflicted about it. I thought I could forget it, get over it if I buried it deep enough. What a fool I was. I need to see things as they are. I hold Wolverine responsible for James’ condition; his mutation. A scared and ignorant part of me thinks that it’s his fault that my little boy will never have a chance at normality, his fault for him having such a lethal *gift*.
That part of me holds him responsible for all the coming pain in my baby’s life, responsible for afflicting Logan, stealing away his humanity, his honor… But I fight this part of me.
I try to remember something, anything…But My mind goes blank. The only image I cling to is the one of Logan laying lifeless in front of me, suspended between earth and sky in a shredded torch.
Who made that ultimate sacrifice? The man I know, or the beast I fear?
He’s looking at me even more closely, if that was possible, and I can see his nostrils flare, smelling me.
“Are you scared of me, Marie?”
Oh crap, I’m doomed, busted, I’m hyperventilating… Oh God, it’s Wolverine, he’s there, if his now golden eyes are anything to go by.
I’m not going to live through this. But something stirs in me, curious, dangerously attracted. How did I do it before? What was it like the first time we were together? Too many questions and not enough time to answer.
Okay, Rogue, you can do this, you already did this, it’s no big deal… But please, do not look downwards…
“You didn’t answer me…”
Logan/Wolverine’s voice is deep and rasped and breathy and I’m swooning, I cannot utter a single sound. He’s got me pinned with his ardent gaze only. Is it what people call animal magnetism?
“…Sweet, beautiful Marie…Tell me!”
Alright, panic time! He’s not actually yelling, but his tone leaves no room for argument, and I think my heart’s just rocketed through the ceiling. Damnit, speak Rogue, Speak!
“I don’t know…”
Okay, he doesn’t look all too pleased with that, but it’s a start.
“I’ll never hurt you. Baby, I’ll never lay a hand on you.”
“Who says so?”
Wolverine? Logan? Anyways, his whole body tenses at my phrasing and I swear I see something shifting in his facial expression… If he ever was pissed before… I’ve never felt that vulnerable in my whole life, not that I can remember, but I feel helpless, completely at this man/beat’s mercy. Why can’t I remember anything? I should remember! If we were together, if James *is* our son, then I should remember something about him and me being so intimate, anything. I’m naked, and my skin’s actually burning under his scrutiny.
The heat of his equally naked flesh sinks into me through the few millimeters still between us. He doesn’t make a move, he’s just watching me with those impossible eyes. I need to know who’s really in charge here. Is it the man I re-discovered those past few months, or the beast I secretly fear?
“I know Logan wouldn’t hurt me…” I say, my voice barely audible above my labored breathing.
“Logan?”
Again this shift in his eyes, and I find once again the deep greens I love so much. So it was indeed Wolverine… He’s still there, somewhere, lurking… It’s Logan I want right now, Logan I need more than anything.
“Yes, Logan… I know, you’d never hurt me.”
Tears sting my eyes, I’m about to give in. I’m feeling so conflicted about the man now hovering only a hairsbreadth over me.
“I’d never hurt you baby…ever. And…he…”
His voice is breaking, choked sob it seems. Rogue, stay put, don’t lose it, don’t cry damn it!
“He’d never hurt you either. If anything, he’d be the first to lay his life for you and for James. He…He loves you too, maybe even more than I’ll ever do. Everything with him is much deeper, visceral, and inalienable. He said it before, Marie, you and James belong to him and he’ll protect you with everything he is.”
“But Logan…”
He doesn’t let me finish and closes the infinitesimal space between our bodies, crashing desperate lips to mine. Who’s kissing me now? Logan breaks and pants between his heated kisses.
“Let him love you too, Marie, let *us* love you…”
I hear myself moan and groan despite myself, letting my body respond to those faraway memories of love.
“Let him have you…”
The man is pleading, although I know that it’s the beast that is now ravishing my body, coaxing heated responses from it, making it his to play with.
I need to know on the Statue, who made the sacrifice… If I don’t ask now, I don’t think I’ll ever have the courage to ask again.
“Tell me” I say “Tell who made the sacrifice, who gave his life for me? Please, tell me…”
The answer doesn’t make itself wait.
“It was Wolverine…”
The words are thrust in my mouth, as a searing kiss nudges my lips open.
“It was Wolverine…me…We couldn’t lose you, ever!”
His tone is harsh; in between kisses and now bites along my jaw line. Logan’s hands do not stay passive either, parting my legs to let him position himself between them. I’m still scared, but I also know that I don’t want this to stop. And Logan pleads again, making sure I won’t regret this, him…or them for that matter.
“Do you want me, Marie? Do you want us?”
As I said before, this night will seal our fate. Here I am, with the man I love and the beast I still fear but to whom I owe my life. Maybe I will learn to love him as much as he seems to love me. Maybe after tonight, I’ll see things differently. After…tonight.
“Yes, I want you…All of you.”
All of him…these words sound so familiar and so foreign at the same time. I’m ready for this, ready for him… And then I feel him slide inside me, my body welcoming the invasion almost eagerly, shooting me right to the stars with ecstasy. He’s inside me. Doesn’t move, not yet. It’s like he’s trying to commit the sensation to memory.
I look up to his face, only to be met by eyes full of pain, hurt and something else that I can’t quite place…Betrayal? Disappointment? And they are pure gold, like those of a wolf. It’s the Wolverine’s pain I see right now, and I’m the one responsible for all those emotions so clearly shown in those mesmerizing orbs.
Author's Notes:
There you go guys, chapter 10 is up, where we learn what it is to grow up...(winks)
Still own nothing but the same old laptop and some dirty thoughts... *g*
PS: ::...:: = Wolverine's thoughts
Enjoy!
::Can you see her? Can you feel her? She’s ours, but you’re the one she truly wants, the one she loves. She’s completely forgotten about me, or maybe not, maybe she remembers and that’s why she’s scared right now. She knows what we are. But she can’t have one of us without the other… ::
I never could imagine I’d ever see fear in her eyes, fear of me. But there it is, blatantly staring back at me and I know I won’t be able to take her, even if I ache to. With these thoughts assaulting my confused brain, I withdraw from her without preamble, disgusted with myself and the whole situation.
I love her, God knows I do, but if she can’t accept me completely, then I can’t force her to be with me, not that way, when she’s afraid of this darker side of me. I hear her whimper at the loss of me, but she seems to recover rapidly as her heartbeats slow down significantly.
I’ve never felt anything like this before, so completely lost and alone, when she’s just beneath me, her arms wrapped tightly about my shoulders; nothing ever hurt like this rejection.
That’s what it is…she’s rejecting me somehow, and I never thought it could ever be possible; not with her.
“Logan…” She murmurs, obviously concerned by my attitude.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I’m gonna go check on James.”
And with that I roll onto my back beside her, basking only for a few seconds in the feel of her next to me, close my eyes, forcing back the tears stinging my eyes. A sigh and I stand up, grabbing my abandoned pair of jeans and shirt from the carpeted floor. I don’t even have the strength to look at her now, but her scent tells me that she’s confused, at the very least and still a little bit scared. But to her credit, she puts on a brave face and tries to get me to talk to her. Once again, I assure her that I’m okay, lying shamelessly.
****
I walk the few steps to James’ room and seek his dormant form in the small crib. He’s sleeping peacefully, oblivious of the rest of the world.
Sometimes I just can’t believe he’s mine, my very flesh and blood and everything that means, mutation and all. I do my best to resist the urge to take him right about now and run as far away from Marie as possible, ridding her of the two of us…make it three with my dual personality. No doubt that she’d be better off without us to hurt her, scare her or God knows what. I know I could if I wanted, grab a bag and pack it to the brim with all I possess and my bundle of pain on my arm, Take my truck and drive until I don’t know where I am.
But I can’t… As wrong as it can be for me to say something like that, James needs his mom *and* dad. So that means, I’ll stick around for the next eighteen or so years, or as long as him and Marie will need my support. Don’t get me wrong, I really want to be involved in all ways possible in James’ life, but it’s up to Marie to let me or not. Damnit, I’d do about anything and everything she ever asks from me, as long as she lets me be close, in their lives. I’ll make them happy or die trying!
I don’t know how much time I spend there kneeling next to my son’s bed, but at a certain point, I hear soft footfalls getting closer and then a warm comforter carefully deposited on my shoulders.
“Logan, are you alright?” Marie says, her voice deep and rich…mature and feminine.
“Yeah… He’s so peaceful right now.”
“I know, a real little angel.” She adds a little more playfully.
“An angel… Marie, listen, we don’t have to go…”
She doesn’t let me finish what I want to say, and quickly adds that she’s sorry.
“Sorry? For what?” I retort tiredly.
“I… I think I overreacted when…you know.”
“No, you didn’t, but it’s okay. You were scared, and you still are.”
“Logan, I’d never be afraid of you, you’d never hurt me!”
“Yeah?”
I bet that went out all wrong if her scent now is any indication. She’s still behind me, hands resting lightly on my shoulders, shaking ever so slightly.
“Logan…It’s…Oh God, it’s not you I’m afraid of, you know it, I know it, but it’s just…”
“You just don’t get it yet, do you?” I’m good and frustrated now, I need her to understand what the deal is if she wants *me*, like she so claims.
“I’m *him*, he’s *me*, Marie! We’re as one and undivided as they come, don’t you understand? Half man, half beast, Marie! You can’t have me without having him in the bargain too, Damnit!”
By the time I finish my soliloquy, I know that my voice has risen several decibels, and to her credit Marie doesn’t back down, heedless of her fear permeating the air around us.
“Logan… you don’t understand what it is to wake up to a life you don’t remember anything about. You don’t know what it is to wake up one morning and have to deal with a baby and…”
Her voice breaks and I know that she’s fighting hard to keep the tears at bay right now, but she goes on, grabbing my shoulders hard enough to force my body towards her. A scream match has begun right next to our son’s crib, but he’s still sleeping soundly…rather impressive if you ask me, but let’s go back to the matter at hand.
“Logan, I need…”
“Time…”
“You can’t just ask me to go back to what we had when all I can remember is the kiss we shared when you told me about us…Logan, you can’t ask me to pretend everything is okay!”
She’s crying now…my sweet, beautiful Marie, my mate. And I just can’t help but stare wide-eyed as she throws herself to my neck, sobbing like there was no tomorrow.
“I know, Marie. Shhh…” I try to soothe her to the best of my abilities.
“I do know what it is like to wake up with a blank mind, and I can only imagine that’s even harder for someone…”
I can hardly finish this sentence. No matter what we went through, she’s still awfully young and vulnerable. A teenager, a young mother and one who went through complete hell despite her young years. Talk about a start in life… And I was right about to take her, again, without protection, against the rules the Professor had set between us –although I don’t know if they’re still effective now that he gave the ‘go’ to tell Marie about us- taking the risk of another unplanned pregnancy.
Goddamnit, what am I, the biggest moron on this side of the universe? Of the two of us, I should have thought about it in the first place; protect her. But I was so eager to have her again, so blinded by my lust and need for her. I need her so much it hurts!
“Someone?”
Marie’s voice brings me back to the here and now. I delicately caress her face, silently promising her body that I’ll never force it through anything anymore, swearing to preserve its integrity from here on out.
“Someone that young…” My voice is just above a whisper now. I close my eyes, sweeping butterfly kisses on her cheeks and her eyes, tasting her warm tears.
“Baby listen, listen to me… look at me Marie. We don’t have to do it baby. We don’t have to be together this way.” I blurt out in a rush, the words afraid of their own monstrosity. I tilt her head slightly, letting her meet my gaze, letting her know I’m dead serious about it all.
“Logan…”
“Shhh… Baby, listen to me, I didn’t do right by you before. And yeah, I admit I’ve been the kind of selfish bastard that only deserves to rot in hell for the next millennium and more for all the things I’ve put you through, but Marie I can change things now, I can make them right. But right doesn’t mean I have to force you into a relationship with me for the sake of our son. I want to do what is good for you and our baby, even if…”
“Logan, what are you trying to say?” She cuts me short, obviously upset by the new outcome. “You’re not forcing me into anything!”
“Baby, kid, listen…You may not realize what I’m doing to you now, but somehow you know I’m right. You said it not longer than a few minutes ago. You need time, time by yourself to grow up, to know what you want in life; time to know if you want me. And when you’re ready, if you ever want me, I’ll be right there darling. “
“Time Logan, is just a figure…”
“Yeah, but a figure that can change everything, darling. And I should have known better, baby… I’m so sorry.”
“Logan, oh God, I love you so much. I’m so sorry, Logan.”
“We love you too, Marie, but we’ll both step back and let you take the time you need to make a choice, take your own decisions.”
“Are you telling me that you’re leaving?”
“No, love. You’ll have to put up with me somehow, because I’m here for the long run, as long as you two want me around, you and James. Just don’t hope to get rid of me anytime soon, though.”
I smile against her face, hands fisted in her silky hair, her lashes still wet from her tears, fluttering against mine.
“And I *want* you around mister. I’m so…just so confused about everything is all. Wolverine is still very new to me and I just don’t know…”
“Yeah, I know.”
“It’s just that…When I touched you, when James projected images from your past, I saw…I saw everything. He’s suffered so much, there’s so much hate and hurt in him that he seems about to lose control and lash out at everything.”
“I know…To be completely honest, I understand your fear of him. I even feared him myself, I’m still not completely at ease with what he is, but he’s a part of me; he’s me.”
“I just hope that I’ll be able to know him better along the way, understand and one day even...I’m sorry Logan, I truly am. I know how it might sound, but it’s how I feel.”
And it hurts even more to hear it, but it’s okay. It’s right…somehow.
__________________________________________________________
“It’s okay…”
Three words, and I know how what I’ve just said must have hurt both the man and the beast. I see it in the desperate eyes of my once lover. Eyes like his must have seen a thousand lives…all those shadows, this pain are too much for one soul.
I went out after Logan hoping to comfort him and bring him back to bed, but after this talk I must admit that it would have been a mistake to do so. I’m not ready… My mind is not ready, even if my body literally burns for him. The very reason why we had a baby together is because none of us was able to see beyond our need for each other at the time.
Even if technically Logan is older than me and therefore said ‘responsible’, we are both intelligent beings, adults and whether we admit it or not, we played our cards wrong. I don’t regret having a baby with him, but it’s just… There are so many things I need to learn not only about this man I claim to love, but about myself and life in general. I don’t know where I want to be ten years from now. I don’t know in what kind of job I picture myself, what kind of education I want for my baby boy, or where I want to settle down. I don’t even know if I want to college, get married…
I believe being with someone like Logan demands this kind of life wisdom, knowledge of the soul, in order to fully appreciate what he is deep down inside, accept him the way he is and be an equal, a support to face the events of this ephemeral dream we call life. And what Logan is doing now is the best proof of love I’ve ever witnessed, and I know how hard it must be for him to allow the words to come out, albeit a little clumsily, but the love there is all the more palpable.
“Thank you Logan.”
“Don’t… There’s nothing to be grateful for. I promised to take care of you what seems a lifetime ago, so this is a way I guess to stick to my word.”
It’s the middle of the night and we’re both leaning against the crib, bathed in the yellow light coming from the adjoining room. I steal a look at our son who’s fast asleep unaware of his parents’ weird words of love. He’s so beautiful, it takes my breath away every time, just like when I look at his father. Same hair, same eyes, carnation, everything…so much that one could wonder if I’m also part of the equation.
This moment is perfect; the three of us like that…it’s all there is right now. Maybe it’s time for me to concentrate on the moment, stop worrying over what can’t be helped anyway; think about the future, what can be changed, for me and my baby, our baby.
“So, it means I’ll have to cope with your taste for flannel for a while?” I try playfully, face buried in Logan’s chest, hands around his neck, holding on for dear life.
“What, you don’t like’em? Now that’s some shock darling!” he answers mockingly, and I can feel his lips curve in a smile against my hair.
“If you stay these God awful things will have to go, mister! It’s a civilized zone here, not some shack in the middle of the Canadian wilderness.”
“You serious?”
“You bet!”
“I have nothing else to wear! What, you want me to wander the school grounds shirtless?”
“Not that I’d ever complain…”
“Marie…” Logan adds leaning a little closer, halfheartedly growling a warning at me, which only make me giggle like a teenager.
I’m a teenager… Somehow, I’ve never truly realized what my relationship with Logan looks like. How immoral it must seem to look at a man having a baby with a girl at least half his own age, and not only that…He’s my teacher – well not any more- and mentor in many aspects, protector also. We’re part of a school that could be closed if people from outside caught wind of what happened within its walls. If it wasn’t for the fact that this is a place for mutants, I’m sure that the social services would already have taken the matter in their own hands. We’re incredibly lucky to still be able to be together.
But yet I know that the Professor and Logan himself must be sitting on barrels of gunpowder ready for the 4th of July.
When I think we were about to fuck each other senseless not an hour ago…What were we thinking? We weren’t thinking, that’s why!
There’s one thing I’m dying to know right now. I know it might sound silly but the thought occurred to me a few moments earlier when I looked up to Logan’s eyes. He doesn’t look a day older than thirty-five years old, but still… the depth barely hidden in them speaks volume about what his life must have been like…well I know for the experiments and all, the loss of his memory, his quest these past fifteen years; but still...
“Logan?”
“Yeah?”
“Tell me something?”
“Anything you want baby.”
“How…You know how old you are?”
The silence suddenly filling the space between us is enough to chill me to the bone. That was the wrong thing to ask…Okay, cover up? Think, Rogue! Think!!
Silence… And never ever before my mind has been this quiet, I swear I’m gonna scream if I don’t come up with something! Buy time? Okay, good idea!
“You, know, you don’t have to…”
“A hundred and fifty…at the very least.” Is Logan’s toneless answer.
Oh.My.God…!! Is he…? He can’t be serious! Nobody lives that long without being a knot of wrinkles, or just being dead for that matter!
Oh, fuck…! I mean…fuck!! He could be the Professor’s great great-grandfather, and my… This is *not* possible!
The sudden tenseness in my almost lover’s back and shoulders warns me of the mask of disbelief that my face must be right now.
“The Professor had me have those tests, consisting of an evaluation of bone narrow and joints and ligaments, all the things that keep my metal frame standing. He made a good use of my teeth too, piercing holes in them and studying the different layers. They had to use C-14 when the normal tests gave nothing, which meant only one thing: I was born before 1950. It was annoying as hell, and the results are not very precise, but they’re as accurate as they can be in my case.”
C-14? The stuff to age dinosaurs’ bones? Holy cow! I’m gonna faint...I’m fainting… No! Stay put, Rogue!!! He needs you now, don’t go teenage drama trauma; it’s the worst moment to show that you’re starting to lose it.
Focus, you can do it now, can’t you? Breathe, deep, regular intakes of air. Right, good, see? Now go back there and be *there* for him, Damnit!
“The Professor thinks I was born around mid 19th century, and according to what you saw in your nightmares when you were pregnant, it’s most likely true. He said 1945, but if I was in the Civil War, then it might even be a little earlier, 1840 maybe.”
He said Civil War, like in the American Civil War? Okay, I need a beer, now!
“You said that I saw your nightmares during my pregnancy, what makes you think they’re true? It could have been…”
“Because my nightmares aren’t nightmares, darling, they’re good old memories my brain can’t deal with when I’m awake.”
“But how come *I* was able to see…”
Wait a minute, James’ mutation…plus my mutation…it all makes sense somehow. Oh Lord…
“Yeah, exactly.”
Was I voicing this little apparte?
“I’m… I’m sorry Logan.”
“Why, because you got the world’s oldest cookie at your feet, baby girl?”
Okay, he should be pissed by my stupid reactions and hanging jaw, put he’s almost playful.
“I mean…”
“You wanted to know, I just found it fair to tell you the truth, so that you knew what you were in for. I’ve been ashamed of what I was for a damn long time, but since James is here with us, I feel the urge to make peace with my own nature, all that I am, and it includes my fragmented past.”
I must admit I didn’t expect such a response from a man I still saw plagued by pain and hurt.
“You must have seen so many things Logan… That’s why I said I was sorry. That and the fact that I made a complete fool out of myself looking at you like you were growing a second head, jaw hitting the floor and everything, when you were telling me something really important.”
“Why, you were at your cutest, darling! I really liked the saucer-sized eyes, I promise…”
“Oh, you…!” I add slapping his thickly muscled arm.
“Time to turn in?”
“Yeah…” I reply, stifling a yawn.
I make it to go back to Logan’s adjoining room, but he stops me, grabbing my arm lightly.
“Maybe you should sleep here now, with James.”
I can’t hide my disappointment for long, but I know he’s right.
“Yeah… I know. But if you ever have nightmares don’t hesitate, y’hear? I wanna be there for you too.”
Logan smiles a million-watt smile that warms me to the core; God, that man is handsome. He doesn’t answer, but hugs me for all he’s worth, inhaling me at the same time, willing my scent to be his only talisman. And then, he slightly parts away, hooking a finger under my chin, locking a golden gaze on mine…Wolverine.
His gesture is so tender, so gentle that it takes me aback completely. All I can see is those eyes coming impossibly closer until I feel soft lips brushing against mine, warm breath mingling with mine, giving not demanding.
Wolverine parts once again, bringing my hand to his lips and giving it the barest lick, and then flashes me a fanged cat-like grin.
One man, two personalities… I’m in for real bumpy ride. But I’d lie through my teeth if I said I wasn’t all the more excited, thrilled at the very thought of it.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.