Now nothing seems as strange as when the leaves begin to change
Or how we thought those days would never end
Sometimes I hear that song and I start to sing along
And think, Man I'd love to see that girl again.

---

I heard that song today. The one she used to sing all the time, off-key, but with her whole heart in to it. I went to the store and found it on CD and I bought it.

…

I don’t hate her. I know everybody thinks I do, hell even she probably thinks that, but I don’t.

So she’s a mutant. Not like she can change that anymore she can change the color of her skin. She is who she is. I’m sure she’s still the same Marie as always. I’m sure we would have stayed best friends if she stayed.

We did everything together. We used to sneak up into Old Man Healey’s farm and swim in his pond.

Good times.

He died last month and I went back to that pond to pay my respects and to somewhat apologize for making him run after us when he had a bum leg and all. I couldn’t believe we had the guts to swim in that thing. It was gross. But like Marie always said ‘No risk, no reward’, and she was right because I fell in love with her by that pond.

She had this smile… man, what a smile. I remember how I would forget what I saying and feel my temperature rise whenever she smiled at me. If anybody ever knew her, truly knew her, they couldn’t hate her. Ever. She was sweet and sexy in her own goofy way. The best thing about her was her ability to see the good in people. I pray she never lost that.

When I woke up from my coma, ten months, three weeks and two days after that kiss, I asked about her. I didn’t know what had happened to me and I was worried she had gotten hurt also. My parents told me, and I quote, ‘that abomination is gone, thank god. Packed her things and left right after she attacked you. The Lord will deal with her, don’t you worry’.

I was shocked. This wasn’t some murderer she was talking about. This was Marie, little Marie, that my mom used to babysit and bathe and change her diapers. The girl that used to help her mama man the pie booth at the county fair. The girl who used to check on Mrs. Wilborn, the eighty seven year old widow who lived down the block, every day after school, just to give her the company. The girl… the girl I loved.

Still do a little.

I don’t think ya ever truly get over your first love.

I wonder if she knew I loved her. Probably not. I never let her think we were more than just best friends. The kiss was gonna be the jumping off point to start talking about being my girl. But it wasn’t meant to be. For years I used to think about her all the time. Wonder where she was, if she was happy, praying she wasn’t lying in a ditch off some back road.

After I thought about it, I knew she’d make it, out there in the world. She was tough and smart, smarter than anyone I ever met anyway. When she showed me how planned out her trip to Alaska was, I knew. Laying in that bed, watching her point to all the different stops she’d make and the things she’d see, I knew she was too big for this town. Maybe it was for the best that she sent me into a coma. Because of that she ran, she got out of a town that had only two options for her: Be a barfly or get pregnant and then married right out of high school. She’s better than that.

It’s been nine years since that kiss and today I saw her.

I was laid off from my job and I’ve been doing odd jobs around town. I had finished one of those jobs early and came home to find Missy, my wife, sitting in front of the television, rubbing her pregnant belly, our second girl. As soon as she seen me, she waved me over and told me to watch.

“What happened?” When I walked over to sit next to her, I see on the TV what looks like a war going on, except it looks like it’s going on right here in Mississippi.

“It’s the FoH bastards. They getting what been coming to ‘em, a good old fashion ass whooping.” I laughed a little, then sat back and watched the events happen live. On the screen leather clad mutants were giving a good thrashing to those less than human animals. After reading the headline I found out the mutants were none other than the X-Men.

Now ya have to be living under a rock to not know who the X-Men men were but I’d never seen ‘em before, only heard of ‘em.

One of ‘em looked like a big ol’ blue ape and he was beating up three of ‘em at once. Some guy with glasses on kept shooting red lasers out of his eyes, blowing up cars and buildings and such. Another looked like he was ‘round my age and I think he was freezing things. There was a girl who was walking through walls and a beautiful black lady who was flying. And every time this redhead was near things or people they would just sort of float up or stop midair. And this big hairy guy with funny hair, but I doubt anyone laughed at it ‘cuz he had three long metal claws coming outta each hand, was doing some serious damage.

That’s when I saw her.

Marie.

Wearing tight black leather. Looking beautiful. Perfect.

I recognized her but she looked different. Two white stripes in her hair. Taller. Curvier. She carried herself differently. She wasn’t a girl anymore, she was a woman.

I knew she was too big for this town. Too good. Too pure. She was strong enough. She survived and I was happy for her.

Then I saw her backing up, a smirk on her face as she played with the bastards, like it was a game. Then she bumped into big hairy guy’s back. They turned and she smiled. That damn smile of hers. He wrapped his hand, with the claws out, around her neck and kissed her. Hard and quick before they pulled back and turned. He shoved his claws in someone and she seriously kicked some guys ass in like two seconds flat. When their guys were both down (for good), they looked at each other, she winked and I could see his lip twitch in what could have been a smile.

She got under his skin, I could tell. She had that ability. To have ya love her the moment you met her.

The news cut away to the ape guy again, and I leaned back, thinking about her. She was happy. Fighting for her kind. I could tell she had friends by the way she kept close to the girl who walked through walls, sorta protecting her. And she was in love. I’m not a smart man, didn’t finish my schooling but I know love and those two are in love.

God I miss her.

After the fight finished (the X-Men did whoop ass) I got up and walked to the garage, my space. I took the CD out of the bag and put it in the little player I have in here. The sound of a guitar filled up the garage, ‘Turn it up’ ‘Woo’ ‘Woo’. It’s her song.

A second later my daughter comes in and tugs my leg.

“What, baby?”

“You like this song, dontcha daddy?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?” Too many answers. Because it makes me feel like I was seventeen again. Because it reminds me of a time when ya stole ya daddy’s beer and drank to have fun instead of to forget, of a time when I had nothing to do but to hang with my friends and drive my car. Because it reminded me of my life before the hatred of mutants tore it up. Because it reminds me of a girl who sang off-key and swung her hips to the music, with that damn smile on her face. A girl I loved.

“It reminds me of someone.” It was a safe answer. It reminded me of her and of who I used to be.

---

All Summer Long by Kid Rock

It was 1989 my thoughts were short my hair was long
Caught somewhere between a boy and man,
She was 17 and she was far from in-between
It was summer-time in Northern Michigan

Splashing through the sand-bar, talking by the camp fire,
It's the simple things in life like when and where
We didn't have no internet but man I never will forget
The way the moon light shined upon her hair

And, we were trying different things we were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whisky out the bottle not thinking bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long

Catching walleye from the dock watching the waves roll off the rocks
She'll forever hold a spot inside my soul
We blister in the sun we couldn't wait for night to come
To hit that sand and play some rock and roll

While, we were trying different things we were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whisky out the bottle not thinking bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long

Now nothing seems as strange as when the leaves begin to change
Or how we thought those days would never end
Sometimes I hear that song and I start to sing along
And think, Man I'd love to see that girl again

And, we were trying different things we were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whisky out the bottle not thinking bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long

We were trying different things we were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whisky out the bottle not thinking bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect

---

She was an abomination from the start and only grew worse.

Cried at all hours of the night when there was nothing wrong with her. Cried like she was being stuck by pins whenever I came near her.

Every time in church she’d act up. Laughing, making faces, complaining about the heat and asking all sorts of questions about right and wrong and hell. Could never sit still.

I should have known then. I should have known, right from the start that the devil had a hold on her. That she was a filthy soul.

I reckon she knew it too. I mean how else can ya explain all those things she did for people, claiming she never wanted anything in return. Nobody does something for nothing. She was trying to clean her soul with good deeds. Stupid girl. Once the soul is dirty, no amount of good deeds can make it pure again.

She was a whore too. A filthy, unclean, mutant whore. She was supposed to be studying with Cody. She knew the rules, when company’s over the bedroom door stays open. I didn’t want sinful things occurring in my house. But she always defied my rules and always got a whooping for it too. She closed the door. She wore inappropriate clothing. She had a boy on her bed. She kissed him and sent Sharlene’s boy into a coma, damn right almost killed ‘em. I shudder to think what she would have done had her skin decided to not become deadly at that point.

It’s funny to me what her mutation is. Deadly skin. Bitch will never be touched again. Her punishment for trying to be a whore. No one will want her now. No man in his right mind would ever consider touching the slut with skin that could kill ya. The one good thing about it will be she will never be able to produce more mutie freaks.

I told her I wanted her gone. I didn’t want a demon in my house. I grabbed her by the shoulder and got as far as the front door before her mother stopped me. ‘Please’ she said ‘Don’t do this’. Then when that didn’t work she begged for me to give ‘her’ money, so she could make it. Finally she pleaded that if she didn’t have enough things to make it far ‘she’ would only return or stay close and cause the family more shame.

I knew she was just lying so she could make sure her daughter was well supplied but it worked. I wanted her gone, far away and never to return. I went upstairs and got my old army duffel. It hasn’t been cleaned in ages. It stunk and it was slightly moth eaten and I was glad to be rid of it. I threw it at ‘her’ feet and said she had fifteen minutes to collect her things and be out of the house. Then I gave her mother sixty dollars to give to her and went to bed.

She probably didn’t even leave the state by the time the money ran out and she started whoring herself for money. I would pray for her soul if I thought she was able to be saved. Makes no use now, she was weak and small, there’s no way she made it.

Her mama cried when she left. Don’t know why. She should be happy this house is clean again. For some time she did nothing but sit in that room and cry. Then she started to call me names, begging me to find her baby and bring her back home. I told her “Your daughter will not step foot in this house ever again.”

“She’s your daughter too.” I slapped her then, good and hard.

“That girl is no kin of mine.” She tried to sleep in the girl’s room that night. Told me she wanted her daughter back and if that meant leaving me, so be it. I did what any self respecting man would do, I beat her. Don’t she know divorce ain’t allowed, it’s an act against God himself.

She stayed. Gave me my meals three times a day and kept the house clean, like a good woman should. I catch her sometimes, crying over that whore. I don’t mind it as long as she quiet and it don’t interfere with her duties. This is my house and in my house, we good clean Christian folk.

Though lately she’s been slacking on the house. Yesterday she didn’t do the laundry, when I asked her why she said she had an errand to run in town. Lying bitch got hit for that. There is no errand for a woman except what’s in the house. I put her in her place. Last night she left a dish in the sink, I let it go ‘cus I figured she couldn’t see too well with her eye swollen.

Like now. I just got home from work and my dinner is late.

I don’t even smell the pot roast I told to make.

She must love getting hit. She must be sick, like that filth she gave birth to.

I go upstairs to find her and the door to ‘her’ room is open a little, that mean she crying her eyes out again, probably clutching some stuffed animal. Doesn’t she see we are better off without her?

Just like I thought, she’s on the bed, surrounded by pictures of ‘her’. What I don’t expect is my shotgun on the floor and half her head lying across the room. The blood staining the carpet, bits of her brain stuck to the lilac walls.

Stupid women.

Suicide is a sin.

---

Perfect by Alanis Morissette

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder

How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet

Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud

I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him, compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem...why are you crying

Be a good boy
Push a little further now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes

---

I was the son my parents loved for thirteen years before the Nazis came and separated us. The next time I saw them was in the camps. It was a year later; I was performing my assigned duty of removing the gold teeth of those who had just been killed, when I spotted them. My mother and father were naked, having just been gassed, and clinging to each other. I could do nothing but continue my assignment as if they were not there.

I saw things too horrible for the mind. Shaving the hair off the dead, walking past bodies of children years younger than myself, hearing the screams of the young girls and women as the guards visited them. My only joy was in watching the guards go mad. It was not a frequent occurrence but it was one that I savored. I supposed the pressure of genocide was too much to bear. They would shout out apologizes or cry out about the senselessness of it all before blowing themselves away. It was our only form of entertainment most days.

I became aware of my ability to manipulate magnetic fields, which gave me control over metal, a few years after my entering the camps. I quietly honed my skill and formulated a plan to escape. I told no one. One night I woke up, crept into the women quarters, woke the youngest girls, three under the age of twelve, and after much convincing, they followed me out where I manipulated a hole into the steel gate and we escaped to America.

The girls found families to take them in. I lived in gutters and back alleys, living off of scraps and molded cheese and yet I was content. There was no stench of death in the air and no threat of the chamber hanging over my head. I found out that there were more like me, with abilities, and there was even a name for us. Mutants.

It was many years later that I bumped into one of the young girls. Magda looked healthy and had the air of a life well lived. We fell in love and her parents approved. They were a nice couple, respected in the community. We were married in the fall.

Years later her parents succumbed to sickness and I inherited their business. It was that year I met Charles. We became fast friends and eventually I told him of my power. He informed me he was a telepath. He was starting a boarding school for young mutants. He asked me if I would be interested in helping him. I said yes.

We spent many years transforming his mansion into a school, building secrets into the basement. We were happy, doing something for people like us, until people started to get nervous and then they became violent. Attacked Magda and I. I protected us the best I could. Unfortunately I picked up on Charles’ belief to not be aggressive with our powers and Magda did not survive.

Charles and I went our separate ways after her death. I wanted revenge. He wanted to pass laws and be advocates for mutants. He didn’t see. He didn’t see how this was the beginning. This is how it started last time.

Charles started his X-men and after a few years I had my brotherhood.

We had the idea to turn all non-mutants into mutants. If we were all the same, there would be no witch hunt. After years of trial and error the machine was ready to be tested. It worked but if it was to work on a grand scale, the supplier of the power would not walk away alive. I did not know of any other magnetic manipulator yet I was needed, I could not perform the task.

Mystique heard rumors of a girl who could absorb your life and in the cases of mutants, their powers. We tracked her down and I sent Sabretooth to retrieve her. Unfortunately for us, she found herself in the company of the notorious Wolverine. Of course Charles knew of the trouble and sent his precious children to save the day.

We got her in the end but were thwarted by the X-men.

I must admit that when Pyro joined up the brotherhood, I felt as if I had taken something from Charles. He did not stay with us long. After Mystique sacrificed herself for me, taking the cure that was intended for me, he left.

Soon after, while I was using poor Jean Grey to do my biding, I was attacked with the cure, making me human.

Years later I received a visit from an unlikely guest.

Rogue.

She visited me while I was playing chess in the park. Just sat across from me, smiled and asked if she could join me. I nodded and gestured to the seat across from me while noticing that Wolverine was with her. He stood back from us, leaning against a tree, smoking a cigar. We played in silence for some time before she paused, trying to decide her next move.

“I don’t understand” She said.

“Well, my dear, chess is very difficult.” She looked up at me and smiled gently.

“Not that. I have this game won in four moves.” I looked and after a moment I realized she was correct.

“So, if it is not the game, what is it you do not understand?”

“You.”

“Why do I puzzle you?”

“It’s just after everything you have been through, you turned out just like them.” I have rarely been confused in my life, yet I was.

“I beg your pardon.”

“You lived through the holocaust.”

“How-”

“My power. It doesn’t just absorb abilities, it absorbs memories also. It’s like I lived your life with you.” I felt sick with guilt for that. “You’ve experienced firsthand what happens when someone believes they are superior to a group of people. You started to justify killing for your cause just like the ones in the camps. So I don’t understand. Why’d you become like them?”

I was stunned into silence. I had not realized it. I was no better than those who started the genocides. I wanted humans gone for no other reason than they lacked the gene to make them a mutant. How had I been so blind?

“I did not realize.” If my sweet Magda could see me now, she would be ashamed. She said nothing, just looked around the park, taking in the view.

She brought her hands to tuck back a stray lock of hair and I noticed for the first time that night that her arms and hands were bare.

“May I ask you a question?”

“Shoot.”

“Did you get the cure?”

“No… and I have you to thank for that.”

“Me?”

“In part, yeah. I was going to get it, was standing on line to get the damn thing, but you and wolverine in my head kept yelling at me not to. You told me my skin is a part of me, and removing it would be removing what made me me. So I jumped off the line and ran back home. Eventually I got control.”

Wolverine grunted and she held up a finger, signaling to give her one minute. She turned her attention back to me and tilted her head, placing a bare hand under her chin.

“You are aware I am a weak old man, with no powers. You did not need a bodyguard.”

“What- oh him?” She nodded her head in his direction, “He’s not my bodyguard. He’s my fiancé.” I noticed her hand was bare. She knew what I was searching for and pulled a chain from under her shirt with a tag and a diamond ring hanging from it. “I don’t like to wear jewelry so I keep it here. The professor says to tell you hello. I know how close you two were.”

“He was like a brother to me.”

We were quiet once again and I took her in. She kept the stripes in her hair after all these years. I wonder why but I believe it impolite to ask, especially since I am the cause of said stripes. The first time I saw her she was a child. Pretty, but thin. Now she was a remarkable looking woman. She was confident and unafraid. I am glad now that my plan on the Statue of Liberty was a failure.

She stood up. “I just needed to let go of some things. I needed to see you and talk to you. Tell you that I’m sorry for the things you saw and lived through. Well… now that I have, I’m going to go. Thanks for letting me say my peace.”

“Of course. Thank you also. You have helped me more than you know.” She shrugged before turning and walked towards Wolverine. She smiled at him before he embraced her, sending me a dark glare.

Before today, I was bitter and depressed, angry at the X-men, lonely and guilty that none of my brotherhood survived, but after speaking to Rogue, I realized the mistakes.

I hope Magda can forgive me.

---

Viva La Vida by Coldplay

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing:
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt, pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Catholic choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never, never an honest word
That was when I ruled the world

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in.
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People could not believe what I'd become
Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Catholic choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

(Ooooh Oooh Oooh)

Hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Catholic choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

Now I'm coming home
I'm coming home to you again
I hope things haven't changed

---

I never said I was perfect. I mean I know I’m pretty damn close but still not perfect.

I fucked up. I get that now, that’s why I’m standing outside the only home I’ve ever had, trying to get the balls to go in.

I left two girls behind, my friend and my sort-of girl, the only people who ever meant anything to me. I left them behind so I can go hangout with metal-head and the blue naked chick. All because they fed me some line about being a god among insects. And I bought into it. I’m such an idiot. Was I really that insecure? I mean, how am I so different than Bobby who works with ice? Kitty who could walk through walls? Or Jean who used to move things with a thought?

Man, I miss Jean. She was the one who picked me up all those years ago and convinced me to go to the mansion. The sheriff of my town called them after I manifested while trying to protect my mom from her boyfriend – I swear I must have gotten the whole mutant thing from her because she had the ability to find the biggest asshole in whatever town we lived in. Jean was nice to me, almost motherly… not like she was at the end. She barely recognized me.

…

Best not to think about her.

Just focus on the gates and walking through them.

Rogue will forgive me, or at least I think she will but the other one… that girl is going to kill me for what I did. I left her when she was scared and in trouble. But in all fairness, how was I supposed to know she got caught that day. How was I supposed to know that while I was getting off the jet, she was there too, being held prisoner under Alkali Lake?

Her room was near one of the secret passages, she should have been the first person to getaway.

She started off a friend of a friend. She was obnoxiously loud, always popping her gum, always skipping from place to place, and always wearing bright colors. Way too happy and peppy for my taste. Even her name was happy. Jubilation Lee.

But one day she made me laugh and Rogue said that anyone who made me laugh had to be special. She was right. Jubilee wormed her way under my skin and I fell in love with her. We never talked about us officially but we flirted and we kissed a couple of times, she’s a great kisser, and we spent the night by the lake once drinking beer and talking. First time I ever talked with a girl, beside Rogue.

But I was confused about my life and about mutants and where we stand. I mean, look at Bobby. He had a great childhood, a family who loved him, a nice house and all that went away the moment they found out he was a mutant. In the blink of an eye, they went from loving him to being repulsed by him. It was fucked up and I got angry.

I never think straight when I’m angry and I made a big mistake. I made a decision that I was too young to make. I threw away everything I had for a man who hated humans so much; he didn’t care how many mutants went down in his way to be superior to them.

We were his pawns. I knew that the moment he turned his back on Mystique. Shit, she took dart full of the cure for him and he just shook his head and left her there. She loved him, looked up to him, and he left her once she wasn’t of use to him anymore. How fucked up is that? He never cared about the mutants in his Brotherhood… not like the Professor cared about us.

I know when I go through these gates that I’ve been looking at for the last half hour that he will take me back no questions asked. He’s just that nice. He cares about us. I can’t believe I took that for granted. I guess it’s true what they say ‘you don’t know what you have ‘til it’s gone’.

Oh this is bullshit. I’ve been thinking about going back for a year now, every since I left Mags after the whole Mystique thing. I’m just going in and hope those girls don’t kick my ass too much.

Once I’m through the doors, I hear someone yell ‘Johnny’ and all of a sudden someone has flung themselves at me and I have a face full of brown and white hair.

Rogue.

Damn I missed her. She was my best friend in this place and I was hers. We knew everything about each other. I was one of only two people in this world who knew both Rogue and Marie. Bobby always hated that she was always closer to me. He didn’t understand. We were both two angry, misunderstood and wild people. We let the other person… be.

I dropped my bag and hugged her back but then I heard a growl. Over her shoulder I saw Wolverine watching us, so I put my hand in the air where he can see they weren’t doing anything. Guess he finally decided to get his head out of his ass and get his girl. She pulled away from me, smiled at me and then out of nowhere smacked me… hard.

“St. John Allerdyce, if you ever leave us again, I will personally beat the shit out of you and when I’m done I’ll let him have a go.” She jerked her thumb toward Wolverine, who looked more than happy to show me what his claws can do.

“Alright. No leaving. Ever again. I was an ass. Please forgive me.” I gave her a hopeful smile and it was almost a minute of her staring at me before she smiled back and gave me another hug. But then she pulled back and smacked me again. “What the hell was that for?”

“That was for breaking her heart.” She was looking behind me and for the first time since I was a kid, I was scared. I just knew Jubilee was behind me so I turned around slowly. Damn. She got even more beautiful. Her hair got longer and she’s still wearing yellow but she looks a little older and her eyes are sadder. Shit. I shouldn’t have left.

She just walked up to Rogue gave her a hug and smiled “Hey Chica”, gave Wolverine a playful punch on the shoulder “Hey Wolvie”. When she looked at me she dropped her smile and said “Jonathan” coldly.

I guess Rogue sensed the tension because she pulled Logan away and I heard her say “Oh shut up. He’s like a brother to me.” Great now I had to tiptoe around him or chance getting clawed. Well, time to kiss some ass.

“Hey Jubilee. I just… I wanted to say…” I’m fucking this up, why can’t I just say ‘I’m sorry’?

“Don’t.” She turned and started to go up the stairs. I grabbed her and I could tell by the way she stiffened up that I shouldn’t have done that. She turned and shot some sparks at me. Shit that hurt. “I said DON’T. Just leave me alone. Go away. Just pretend I don’t exist. That should be easy for you” She started crying and I felt like a complete asshole. “Please just leave me alone.” She ran up to her room and slammed the door.

I’m back home less than thirty minutes and already I’ve been slapped twice, got the Wolverine thinking I’m after his girl and I realized how bad I hurt Jubilee. I will make it up to her, I just don’t know how. I’m not good at the whole ‘profess your love’ thing but I guess that’s what I have to do.

Fuck. I’m in deep shit.

---

Coming Home by A New Found Glory

I've been stuck in this whirlwind
My life's been spinning round my head
Long distance conversations
Make up for me not being there

And now I'm coming home
I'm coming home to you again
I hope you feel the same
Now I'm coming home
I'm coming home to you again
I hope things haven't changed

I've been locked inside this freight train
Unaware of the normal life I had
Frustration building a foundation
I wrote this song to let you know that I'll be back

And now I'm coming home
I'm coming home to you again
I hope you feel the same
Now I'm coming home
I'm coming home to you again
I hope things haven't changed

I hope you feel the same

I can't stop, can't stop thinking
About what you do when you're alone
Let's cut right to the chase girl
Take back the time, time that we've lost, time we've lost

But I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something that I could handle

---

Like, where the hell is Kitty? She’s supposed to be here by now to phase me in some food and a copy of the newest Gerard Butler flick. I’ve been hid–er- no, not hiding more like avoiding… with a passion. I sneak out to go to work; I teach the younger kids and they totally love me but besides that I’ve been living on my bed for the past month, just avoiding.

Why am I so reluctant to go out my front door, you ask? ‘Cuz Johnny’s out there.

Damn idiot.

Click

Clack

Click

Clack

“Go away, Damn it” I yell.

“No. Not until we talk.” He says calmly. He’s always so damn calm. So damn nonchalant.

“Then you’ll be there forever.”

“Fine by me.” Damn stubborn idiot.

He’s out there every day.

Directly across my door, sitting on the floor in the hallway, playing with that stupid lighter. I wake up to that sound every morning and it’s the last thing I hear when I go to sleep. He only leaves to go teach and I always go to work about five minutes after he’s gone. He’s our new creative writing teacher; perfect job for a bullshit artist.

Ok, that wasn’t nice. He doesn’t lie, not really, more like makes you fall in love with him and then rips your heart out.

I would blast him again but the professor gave me the whole try-not-to-use-your-powers-on-a-housemate speech.

Anyway, I’ve become, like, a master at avoiding him. Well except for team meetings, nothing I can do about that.

Kitty says it’s because I don’t know whether to kick him in the nuts or kiss him silly.

Rogue says I should do both. See which one makes me feel better. I know I’m definitely on board for the first one.

Click

Clack

Click

Cla-

I’m in bliss when the noise stops and I close my eyes for a second and just enjoy the silence. I practically fall out of bed from the banging on my door.

“I told you to go away.”

“Open the door, Yella”

Wolverine?

I untangle myself from my sheets and watch as candy wrappers fall to the floor. So? Chocolate has replaced vegetables as one of the four major food groups for me. A girl has to find her comforts where she can.

I yank the door open and… well, I’m speechless. I have never been speechless, believe me. Just ask… anybody.

Logan is standing near my door with a bottle of what I know is strong liquor in each hand and a cigar in his mouth. Behind him Rogue has both of John’s hands locked behind his back in one hand and in the other she’s holding his lighter. I can’t help but smile ‘cuz she’s so totally kickass.

“Me and you, we gonna talk.” Wolverine says as he pushes past me. I’m still staring at Rogue.

“Don’t worry. Me and Johnny are gonna have ourselves a lil chat of our own.” I nod, still mute, and close the door. When I turn around, Wolverine is actually staring at my room in disgust.

“What?”

“Jesus Christ you’re a pig.” Yeah, like’s he Mr. Clean.

“You’re just now figuring that out?”

“No. But, damn, this is bad, even for you.” Shit. He’s right. I’ve let my room go this past month. Gee, I wonder why? In case you’re wondering, that was sarcasm right there.

“I just… I haven’t been myself lately.”

“’Cuz of Pyro.” He says it all knowing like. I sigh and he hands me one of the bottles. “Crack it open. Let’s talk.” Then he opens his bottle and chugs it.

“I don’t know what to think. One second I miss him, then the next I want to kill him.” I take a sip and let the whiskey burn my throat. I feel warm instantly. He doesn’t say much, just lets me talk it out… and drink. “You know how hard I have to try to not abuse my power over him.”

I probably should have mentioned that we are all on the team and I’m kinda his boss. See, the professor had too many mutants join his merry band of leather wearers so he split it into two teams. Scott, is the team leader of one squad (We all thought he like, bit the big one but, long story short, Phoenix wanted him dead but Jean protected him. Dude, even I don’t understand it fully, I’m just so glad to have him back) and Storm is his second.

My girl, Rogue, is in charge of the second team and guess who she chose as her second. Give up? Me. That’s right, I’m in a position of power, insert evil laugh here. Which reminds me…

“Dude. You sure you’re ok with not being Roguey’s second?”

“Listen, sparkplug, I’m here for the ass whoopin’ and I can still do that whether I’m in charge or not. ‘Sides can you see me makin’ plans and leadin’ people and shit?”

“I don’t think you’d have the patience for it.”

“Hell no.” He is starting to sound buzzed. Then he tilts his head just like a dog, I swear he does, and he laughs… kinda, more like a chuckle or a bark of laughter? I don’t know, I’m drunk now and I can’t think through the fog in my head. “She’s tearin’ him a new one. Go to the door and listen.”

I obey because, well like I said I’m drunk and I can’t think of anything better to do. I lie down next to the door and press my ear to the crack under the door.

“Damn it Johnny, leave her alone. Give her some space. You’re becoming a stalker.” I feel a little better that even though he’s like her brother, she still sees me as her BFF, she’s still looking out for me. I guess I’m a little jealous about that too.

“I need to make it right. It’s killing me that I hurt her.” Wow, he actually sounds… sincere.

“Just give her space. You don’t know the whole story and what you’re doing is making it worse.”

“The whole story about what? What don’t I know?” Crap this is getting into some dangerous territory. I glance at Wolvie and he’s giving me one of his rare sympathetic looks.

He says ‘please’ and it sounds so freaking pathetic that she throws him a bone. “Think about it Johnny. Logan is in her room trying to talk to her, trying to cheer her up in his own way. Why would he do that? When you left, he couldn’t stand her and now they’re almost best friends. Why? What could they possibly have in common? Think about it.”

He quiet for a long time and I am so nervous now. Then he says “All I can think of is Alkali Lake but wh-” Yeah. He figured it out. “They hurt her.” He sounds like he’s two second away from puking. I hope he doesn’t, I can’t handle the smell right now. “That’s what they have in common. The government fucked with them at Alkali… and I just fucking left her there.” He’s breathing really hard and I think he might actually want to cry. Why does that make me feel warm inside?

“Figured it out, huh.” Way to state the obvious, Wolvie. “I guess he’s not as big of an idiot as he looks.” I move away from the door and sit on the floor, my back against my bed.

I look at him and remember how he was the only one who got me to talk after that day. He told me what he remembered and I told him what happened to me. How I was the oldest one there that day and I felt it was my job to protect the little ones. How I put myself between them and those monsters every time and every time I was taken. They made it almost impossible for me to sleep at night, even now (Something I share with Wolvie and Roguey; nightmares. Yay!)

How they would always get me to do whatever they wanted by saving those magic words: “We can always grab one of the other children”. They knew I would stop fighting them after that. They poked and prodded and said vulgar things that finally made me understand hate. They never did that one thing I was terrified they would do but they came pretty close. I was still able to walk away with some of my innocence, something I’m grateful for.

I know now why Wolverine hates the government, why he’s on edge around uniformed people, why he hates the medlab because I hate them too.

The only good thing that came from it was I got myself a brother, someone to look out for me and keep my head on straight. We’re close. Like BFF close. Rogue is the only one who’s more important to him and duh, that’s just obvious why. I mean they’re getting hitched next month and when Rogue forced him to pick a best man, he picked me. How cool is that, huh?

Wolverine gets up, walks over to me and bends down to be eye level with me.

“He loves ya.” I shake my head, not because I don’t believe him but because it’s too much and I don’t want to hear it. “He fucked up big time but he’s tryin’ to make it right because he loves ya. He made a huge fucking mistake by leaving you and I won’t ever let him forget it because it hurt you and if he ever hurts you again I’ll gut him like a fish.” I smiled at that because he can be such a sweet guy in his own weird, homicidal way.

“So what are you saying? That I should take him back?”

“Never said that.” Dude, just spell it out for me. Doesn’t he know that I’m on the verge of depression? Plus I’m drunk. Why can’t he just tell me what to do? I stare at him until he talks again. “Just decide either way. Put the kid out of his misery. It’s pretty pathetic what he’s become.” How is he always right? “Life’s too short to sit on the fence kid, at least for you it is.”

He snatches the bottle away from me and walks to the door.

“Hey Wolvester.” He turns and rolls his eyes at my nickname. “Thanks. You rock.” He nods once and opens the door. I don’t know where I’d be without that dude.

“Come on darling.” He closes the door and I hear him say “And you, you better not give her any shit or else” and I hear his claws come out. He can be such a dad, and I love him for it.

I start picking away at my yellow nail polish as I think about things.

I do miss him. A lot.

And he was young when he left. He made a mistake. He knows that, we all know that cuz like, he’s here and he’s trying.

And I do love him. As much as I don’t want to, I love him.

But I’m hurting so bad and I want him to hurt too. Petty, I know but I don’t care. But then I think: maybe he has hurt, maybe he has suffered.

Ugh! You ever heard the saying, Life was so much easier when your clothes didn’t match and boys had cooties? Well mine would be: Life was so much easier before you fell in love with your smartass friend and before you were experimented on and abused, but I don’t think it rolls off the tongue as well.

By the time I’ve decided what to do, I don’t have any polish left on my nails, which means I’ll have to paint them again tomorrow but then I notice the sun is starting to rise and figure out it already is tomorrow.

I get up off my ass and decide to end the pity party for one. I’m sick and tired of hurting. I clean up my room, at least until I can see the floor and throw out all the wrappers, which is so many I’m actually kinda embarrassed. I take a shower and brush my teeth ‘cuz after all that liquor my breath is rank. After I’m dressed, I feel like throwing up ‘cuz I’m finally going to stop hiding from him (yes, I admit I was hiding. Big revelation over.).

I open my door and can you believe the idiot is still there. He’s sleeping, sitting up against the wall, his head at a weird angle. I can’t help but hope he’ll have a stiff neck. Oh, that was mean, I take it back.

I nudge him with my toe and he jumps out of his sleep. He’s looking at me like I could explode any minute.

“Hey.” He doesn’t sound like himself, he sounds careful.

“’Sup.” We just stare at each other.

Awkward.

“I know I fucked up and you probably don’t trust me anymore but how about we start over? Maybe try for friends, see how that goes.” I can tell he doesn’t exactly want that, I think he wants to continue where we left off but I like that he’s not pushing it.

“Ok. Friends.” I can do friends. That way I can learn if I can trust him again and maybe it won’t hurt so much to love the idiot. “Come on,” I give him my hand and help him up, “Let’s go to breakfast and give everyone a reason to gossip.” He smiles at that a walks next to me, not too close.

“I missed you.” He says it real soft and real quiet but there isn’t anybody in the halls so I hear it clearly. Maybe this can work between us. Maybe if we take it nice and slow, we can be… something again. Plus I know I call him an idiot a lot but he’s not stupid, he wouldn’t hurt me for fear of my new big brother Wolvie. Maybe I can open up to him just a little too. I take a deep breath and say it.

“I missed you too.”

---

Candle (Sick and Tired) by The White Tie Affair

I took a ride on a February morning,
Just getting over it and dealing with the mourning,
I started thinking out loud
I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired,
My baby's flying off the edge of the road,
She's saying I'm so sorry about that note
That left me all alone
But I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired

Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something that I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Because I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle

Seven days since I've seen your face,
Seven nights I have laid to waste,
I'm burning out now,
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,
I know we're hanging at the end of the road,
We've flown too high, make a swarm too low,
I heard a screaming out loud,
I heard a screaming out loud

Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something that I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Because I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle

Think,
All the things that you say,
What are the things that you mean,
What are the things that you say say say to me,
Cause your tradgedy,
A queen for his majesty,
All this blaspheme,
Your kingdom is crumbling,
You're a tradgedy,
A queen for his majesty,
All this blaspheme,
Your kingdom is crumbling,

Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something that I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Because I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle

Burning for you,
Burning like a candle,
Burning for you,
Burning like a candle

I can walk around with a pretty face on
Even when I'm black and blue
What's the point in telling everybody
I'm not over you.
I'm so happy for you
I could cry

---

I shouldn’t feel like this – all bitter and jealous with more than a hint of regret – I really shouldn’t. It’s not right, it’s not appropriate.

I loved Marie from the first time I saw her come into our classroom and take the seat between me and Jubilee and Kitty – and that is where she has permanently been since… between me and Kitty. Being the new girl, John tried to impress her and normally I wouldn’t compete with anyone for a girl’s attention but for her I made an exception and used my power to ice his ball of flame.

Childish but it worked.

We started to hang out a lot more becoming good friends and then one day I worked up the nerve to hold her hand and that was how we started dating. We spent all our time together and most of that time, Jubilee, John, Peter and Kitty were with us. We were a little clique within the mansion. A group of best friends and like any group of young friends, friendships turned into crushes and crushes either got crushed or turned into something more.

John and Jubilee bantered but there was a flirtation beneath it and Kitty looked at me like I looked at Rogue, but I was so infatuated with Rogue that I didn’t notice.

Rogue and I held hands and tickled and hugged and… that’s about it. We couldn’t kiss, couldn’t touch, I couldn’t even move a strand of her platinum hair away from her perfect face. It frustrated me to no end. Especially when I saw the other couples in the mansion touching skin to skin, when we would go out or party and I couldn’t dance with her because what if I touched her skin. I saw what it did to Wolverine and he has a healing factor.

John told me to not be an ass and let a girl like Rogue get away. I told him that he was doing the same thing with Jubilee. I told him I heard him talking on the phone to a girl named Marie and that was wrong because of the way Jubilee looked at him. He told me I was pathetic and didn’t know shit. He was just being moody like he always was those days. Then he deflected to The Brotherhood. That hurt.

I hated that I had a girlfriend I couldn’t touch, even if I did love her. I was telling the truth when I said I didn’t put any pressure on her but she was right when she said my mind was only on one thing. It bothered me that I was still a virgin when John and even Peter weren’t. It got to me.

That’s when I started to take notice of the way Kitty looked at me.

I didn’t have to go to her room to check up on her the night of the Professor’s funeral. Rogue loved him more than any of us, he was practically her father they spent so much time together, but I didn’t go to her. I went to Kitty. I comforted Kitty. I knew she was in love with me by then and I wanted to know how far I could take it. When she kissed me I damn near had an accident in my pants. It had been so long since I felt a girl’s skin that I kissed her back. I got lost in touching and Kitty was just thrilled that I was paying attention to her that way that we ended up in bed together and I wasn’t a virgin anymore.

When I woke up in Kitty’s bed I felt horrible. I cheated on the girl I loved so much and I used my best friend as a substitute, used her for her ability to touch. Then on top of that I found out Rogue was gone. To where? I didn’t know for sure at the time but my guess was to get the cure. One the one hand it hurt me to think she was going to get rid of her mutation, it was a gift, a privilege. It made us special. But on the other hand it excited me to think when she came back I could touch her, kiss her, make love to her, show her how much I loved her. It didn’t stop me from crawling into Kitty’s willing arms each night she was gone.

I hated myself for it.

When she came back and told me she couldn’t do it, that it was who she was, in that moment I was so proud of her. It wasn’t until later that night while I was once again in Kitty’s bed that I realized that what I needed and what I wanted was two completely different things. I had come to a fork in the road and I needed to decide what was more important to me; my desire for touch and normalcy or my love for Rogue. I am ashamed to admit that I went with my desires.

I broke up with Rogue and after some time I stopped hiding what Kitty and I had and we started going out. Kitty was thrilled, Jubilee and Peter were upset with me but Rogue didn’t seem to care, in fact she didn’t notice that I had started dating Kitty for almost a month.

She was spending all her time between the Professor in his office, who had come back to us in a new body that once belonged to a brain dead thirty year old, Storm in her garden and Wolverine in the Danger Room. After a few months I noticed the way she changed. What little baby fat she had was now nonexistent with all the training she was doing. She carried herself much more confidently and she started to wear tighter more revealing clothes.

It drove me nuts whenever I saw her and I wanted to go to her and kiss her but I valued my life.

Then the bombshell hit. She was seeing none other than Wolverine. I tried to feel happy for her. I tried to not feel jealous and regret, only happiness. I don’t think it worked.

And I knew he wasn’t scared of her skin like I was. I knew he touched her in the way I wish I was brave enough to do. I knew because I walked past his room and heard her moaning all the way from the hallway. I stopped in my track and I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to break down the door and freeze his ass but I knew he’d claw me to death the second he was thawed. I wanted to cry because she should have been mine. She should have been moaning my name.

I did neither. Instead I ran to the room Kitty and I share and I made love to her.

It hurt knowing someone was braver than me when it came to Rogue. I tried to be happy for her because someone was strong enough to touch her but I just wanted to run from the room every time he did. Wolverine always carried gloves in his back pocket and instantly put them on the moment she came into the room and he would pull her close to him and pull her gloves off and hold her hand. He would touch her face and even without his gloves he would move a strand of her platinum hair away from her face.

Then a month later after Kitty argued with me for the millionth time about our future together, I proposed and of course she said yes. Don’t think ill of me. I loved Kitty, I cared about her happiness and I wanted to be with her but for me there will always be Rogue.

The next day, Rogue made an announcement smiling so wide and practically vibrating with happiness. She finally learned control of her mutation. She could touch.

The first thing I did was look at Kitty’s left ring finger and felt a split second of regret but I pushed it away and allowed myself to be happy for Rogue. She had wanted this for so long. Everyone congratulated her and hugged and kissed her. When it was my turn my heart was racing. I was finally going to touch Rogue.

I wrapped my arms around her, feeling her porcelain skin, so smooth and soft and unmarred, then I leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek close to her lips. I knew I was pushing it but I couldn’t help it. I was trying to say goodbye to my infatuation with her. And even though Wolverine growled and Rogue tensed and Kitty barely held back a gasp, I had to do it.

I knew Rogue loved Wolverine. I knew they were happy together. I knew the first day she was here. She stayed by his side in the medlab and only left because the Professor convinced her to go to class. I could tell in the way she only gave him her true smile. She would have gone to the end of the earth for him. Did that mean she didn’t love me? I like to think she did but who knows.

Why am I rehashing this? Because today the couple along with Jubilee and John (who have gone on a few dates and are slowing getting back to what they were and what they could have been) came back after disappearing for a week together. Wolverine looked happy for the first time in all the years I’ve known him. He wasn’t smiling or laughing but there was definitely something about him that screamed happy. Rogue looked like a women in love and when I looked at her hand I knew why.

She and Wolverine had driven down to Vegas and gotten married, John and Jubilee served as witnesses. Kitty was thrilled for them – somehow Rogue and Kitty had remained great friends even though my fiancée knew how I felt about the southern belle.

I watched Kitty as she tried to steal anxious glances at me. And I knew she was trying to gauge my reaction to the news. I felt like a prick knowing that Kitty was being hurt the most out of all the parties involved. I did love her and I wouldn’t hurt Kitty anymore. There was no chance of Rogue ever being my again so if I can’t lay my feelings for Rogue to rest I would do my best to ignore them, hide them, and focus on my feelings for Kitty.

I nodded at Wolverine and shook Rogue’s hand.

“I’m so happy for the two of you,” I told them… I just wish I meant it.

---

Happy by Saving Jane

Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?
Lying in the grass alone and wasted
Nothing's how it used to be

I wanna be the first to call and tell you
Yesterday I heard the news
I hear you oughtta be congratulated
So I guess that's what I'll do

I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.

Listen to the sound of my head pounding
Wish that it was make-believe
Praying for the skies to open up and
Wash away your memory

I can walk around with a pretty face on
Even when I'm black and blue
What's the point in telling everybody
I'm not over you.

I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.

Cry about the love we used to have
Cry that I won't ever get you back

Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?

I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I'm so happy for you
So, so happy for you
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.