I woke up to bright lights, white walls and a mechanical beeping sound. Every single part of my body was hurting like hell and I felt a burning and itching sensation all over my skin.

But most of all, I felt panic.
I was scared of losing something...or somebody...I literally had to force myself to breathe because my body was frozen in shock.

With huge effort, I managed to lift my head and take in my surroundings. I felt dizzy and confused, but quickly realized I was in the Med Lab, lying on a hospital bed and hooked up to several machines.

The all-consuming panic was making my hands shake now and I clutched the thin white sheet I was wrapped up in.

I closed my eyes and pictures started flashing through my head.

Through someone else's eyes, I saw myself, on this very bed, only I hardly recognized my face. It was red and my skin was peeling; all over my body.
Despair shot through my body and the person whose eyes I was seeing through had to look away, it was too painful to see me like this. I felt their body drop to their knees and tears running down their face.

I opened my eyes with a gasp and pushed myself up into a seating position.
The memory wasn't mine and neither were those emotions. It was all a big blur in my head and I had to concentrate very hard to get past all the panic and fear and sort through the images and pieces of information in my head.

Pushing my hair out of my sweaty face, I tried to calm down enough to make out what the hell was going on in my head. I forced my mind to dig a little deeper and explore the earlier memories.

I saw a lake and a chain of mountains; everything was covered in snow. My body felt strong and I could smell and hear everything...

...Logan. It was him in my head, these were his memories.

I felt my tense body relax a little. I had gotten used to his voice in my head over the time, so at least I didn't have to deal with yet another new person up in my brain.

I dove back into his memories, picking up where I had left off.

Logan felt something buzz in his pocket and took out a tiny silver cell phone.

“Hello?”

“Logan, you have to come back to the school now,” he heard Scott's breathless voice. “It's Rogue, she's dying, you have to heal her.”

That's the moment the panic began. I had no idea that Logan could even feel so helpless and desperate about anything at all, but apparently he could. He was shaking as he hung up the phone without waiting for an explanation, ran to his bike and jumped on it, not even bothering to take his bags with him.

My head was spinning and I quickly skipped forward through the hour-long ride back to the Mansion.

Logan bolted through the front door and was greeted by a pale and anxious Jean who led him to the Med Lab, quickly telling him what had happened.
He didn't really listen but I caught something about a fire in my room and me jumping out the window to escape it. Nobody knew what exactly had happened or what had caused the fire and my injuries were so severe that I would die if Logan didn't heal me. He was their last resort and they were very sorry that they had to ask him to do this because they knew it was dangerous.

Logan simply nodded and followed Jean down to the Lab. That's where he saw my body; both my legs were twisted in an unnatural angle and my arms were dangling from the edge of the bed lifelessly. My body was burnt all over, red and crumbled.

He rushed to my side, tears forming in his eyes and burning his cheeks. He dropped to his knees beside the bed and grabbed my hand with his.

I could feel despair rushing over him, it was stronger than ever before and every part of him was longing for the pulling sensation to start, hoping it would work.

But it didn't.

“Jeannie, it's not working. Her skin...it's...Jeannie, do something, damn it!” he screamed and Jean instinctively took a step back, scared, unable to reply.

“Take her shoes off,” Scott ordered, his mind working a little more clearly than Logan's at the moment and was suddenly at his side, pulling off my left shoe and sock. “The skin isn't burned there.”

A wave of relief and new hope washed over Logan as he placed his hand on the unharmed skin of my foot, wrapping his fingers around my ankle. The pull started almost instantly and his body was shaking and bucking in uneabrable pain for about a minute until he blacked out.


He had saved me. I looked at my skin, running my fingertips up and down my arms. It was still slightly pink and sore, but all my burns were gone.

I carefully rose from the bed, testing my legs. They had already healed enough to allow me to stand and even walk on them.

So he had saved me. I was going to live.

And that was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me.

After putting on some of Jean's clothes and a pair of gloves I had found beside my bed, I made my way across the room to the second bed that was standing in the Med Lab. Under a white sheet much like mine, Logan was sleeping.

He looked exhausted and I realized I had probably come very close to killing him this time. Closer than ever before.

In my head, his voice told me that he was stronger than that, that he didn't die so easily.
I knew better, and so did he, but it was no use to argue with my inner Logan.

I sat down on Logan's bed and took his hand in mine, drawing little circles with my gloved thumb.

“I'm sorry,” I whispered, not sure whether he could hear me or not. “I'm sorry for hurting you...and for worrying you...and you really shouldn't have done that, you know...”

With a low grunt, Logan's eyes slowly opened.

“Damn, kid,” he groaned, his voice cracking. “You scared me.”

“Yeah...sorry 'bout that too...”

Logan motioned with his free hand for me to lean down and I complied, resting my head on his bare chest. He wrapped one arm around me and sighed into my hair.

“I thought I'd lost you.”

Before I could reply, something went very wrong.

He took a breath, his chest rising a tiny bit, and his skin touched my cheek.

I jumped up with a shriek and backed away from him, my heart pounding. He was still so weak, a single touch my not only send him back into coma but also kill him right now...but strangely, Logan seemed fine.

“What happened?” I asked, confused. 'What didn't happen' was more like it.

“I don't know...wanna try that again?”

“No!” I almost shouted. It was to dangerous for him right now, I wasn't going to take any chances.

My inner Logan was telling me to shut up and stop being a wuss, and I tried to ignore him, but he was stronger. Without any control over my legs, I walked back to the bed and mechanically pulled off my glove.

Logan sat up and reached for me, carefully taking my hand into his.

Nothing happened.

“It's your skin...” he whispered and I could almost see the pieces of the puzzle that was my current condition fall into place in his head. “It didn't work when I tried to heal you before...because it was all burnt...”

“...and it's technically your skin that grew back, and not mine, because I used your power to heal it,” I finished his sentence. It kind of made sense, in a very confusing way.

“That means every part of your skin that had burns on...it is now touchable,” he summed up, amazement in his eyes.

“I guess.” I shrugged. I couldn't really be happy about that fact, because I was still dealing with some issues of my own.
Like the fact that I was alive.

“Rogue...what happened, kid?” Logan asked.

“I...Jean told you, didn't she? There was a fire and...I jumped out the window.” I stared at the floor because I knew that my face would give away that I was lying.

Logan's voice in my head made unhappy growling sounds, telling me he could smell lies anyway.

“Where the hell did the fire come from?”

“I...I don't know, okay? I don't know...and I don't...wanna talk about it.”

I turned around to leave. I couldn't face Logan right now. He knew me too well, he would know there was something I wasn't telling him and when he found out, it would all be even worse than it was now.

He never should have come back to save me. Scott shouldn't have called him. They just should have let me die in peace, like I had wanted to.

“Thanks for saving me,” I muttered half-heartedly.

“Don't go,” Logan yelled after me, but didn't do anything to stop me from walking out the door.

Inside my head, he was screaming as well, telling my I was stubborn and stupid for not talking to him and that he knew there was something wrong. That he would help me and comfort me and do everything it took to make me feel better.

Every kind word he was trying to get through to me hurt a little more and I started running, pushing myself forward until I was outside in the gardens, my blood rushing through my veins and my weak body so busy with keeping my legs moving that I didn't have any energy left to think or listen to the voices inside my head.

I didn't return to the school until late at night when everyone else was already asleep.
I wasn't sure where to go, as my room wasn't exactly in any condition to be slept in right now.

Professor X had finally given in a few weeks ago and let me have a room on my own. Being in a room with a bunch of other girls when one move in my sleep, which lead to one accidental touch of my skin, could hurt them didn't exactly provide me with a good night's rest.

I had moved in right after returning from the Statue of Liberty and that had been the most perfect timing.

Because ever since I had touched Magneto that night, his presence in my head had just about killed me. Not only did he give me unbearable nightmares that had me waking up screaming multiple times every night, but he also took control of my actions every now and then.

He didn't do it the way Logan sometimes did...telling me he wanted me to do something (like he had before, in the Med Lab), get all grumpy and growly when I didn't and then just make me do it.

Magneto was sneakier than that.
He would be quiet all day long and the suddenly wrap himself all the way around my mind, taking away all the control I had. Most of the time, he did it while I was asleep, which had me scared of going to be every night.

It had started with random things. Magneto would make me empty my drawers and throw my clothes around my room. I would wake up in the morning and think I was losing my mind because I didn't remember doing any of it.

It progressed to taking kitchen knives to my room and even to stealing a gun. I didn't remember where it came from and didn't dare to ask anyone about it.

All of that was harmless compared to his most recent activities though.
I had snapped out of a trance standing beside Jean's bed with a knife in my hand.
I had found myself in the Professor's room with that gun in my purse.

He never actually made me do anything, this was just his way of showing me that he could.
He was still working his way up to actually making me seriously harm or kill anyone and I was terrified of the day he actually would.

I was too ashamed and scared to ask the Professor for help.
In fact, I tried to keep away from people as much as possible because I was so afraid of hurting them. Of course that didn't help, because my mind was completely blank whenever Magneto took over.
I couldn't control myself at all and even locking myself in my room at night did nothing to keep him from making me get up and go out to collect weapons or almost attack the members of the X-Team.

So I had made a decision.
In order to protect my friends and to ensure the further existence of the X-Men, I had to put an end to this. I had considered simply going away, but Magneto would always be able to make me go back. Or harm other innocent people.
I was a weapon in his hand and the only possibility I had to make sure he didn't use that weapon was to take it away from him. To take myself away.

It had taken me forever to come up with a good plan to make my death look like an accident. Eventually I had decided on setting my room on fire and jumping out the window.

It was random and painful and took a lot of courage but I had gone through with it. Spilled gasoline all over myself and the furniture, dropped a match and then I had launched myself through the window.

A perfect plan, but it hadn't worked. Because I hadn't considered the lengths that the others would go to to save me. Hadn't expected they cared so much...


I wandered around the dark and quiet halls aimlessly.
So my plan had gone wrong. And I was able to touch again.
I wasn't ready to feel anything at all just yet, so none of these two facts did much to stir up emotions. It just didn't mean anything anymore...I was still a danger to everyone at the Mansion and I would soon be getting ready for another night of Magneto's nightmares. That was my life now.

School and friends and Logan...yes, all that was still there, but it meant little compared to the horrors I faced every night.
So what did I care whether I could touch people or not? What did it matter when I was nothing but the most dangerous weapon at Magneto's disposal? I had no power over anything left, not even over ending my life.

I didn't have any pajamas to change into left and I didn't have a bed to sleep in anymore. I didn't want to go back to my room and look at what was left of my stuff; it would hurt too much. And I didn't really feel like going to sleep after all. I wouldn't be getting much rest anyway.

This was just pathetic. I had to seem like someone who was completely crazy, standing in the hall and laughing at myself.
I couldn't do anything properly, not even kill myself. Trying hadn't helped me at all; the only result was that I had no clothes, no room and no more hope.

My dry laugh soon turned into sobs and I let my tired body drop to the floor, leaning against the cold stone wall, covering my face in my hands.

“Hey...hey, kid. Wake up.”

I slowly opened my eyes when I heard a familiar voice and felt two strong hands on my shoulders.
Logan was kneeling in front of me and I could see worry on his face.

I must have fallen asleep right there in the hallway, I realized as I let him scoop me up in his arms and carry me to his room. I still felt as though I was half asleep; everything around me was nothing more than a blur.

Without speaking or resisting, I let Logan put me in his bed and tuck me in like a little kid.
Something in the back of my mind told me that I should get up and go, that I would only end up hurting him if I stayed, that it was too dangerous...but I didn't have enough strength left to get up and walk away from him yet again.

When Logan was about to grab a pillow and get ready to sleep on the floor, I stretched out my hand as far as I could, holding on to the hem of his t-shirt.
I didn't need to say anything, he understood the look in my eyes and slipped under the covers next to me.

It wasn't until then that I realized I was freezing, I was only wearing a t-shirt after all and it had been cold out in the hall.

“Logan...” I whispered. I didn't even know what I wanted to say. I was tempted to just tell him everything right then and there. But I knew I couldn't. It would hurt him and that was the last thing I wanted...he had gone through enough pain because of me, three times now. Three times of saving my life...

'Damn right,' Logan's voice said in my head. 'See, I care about you. And you pull shit like that, flinging yourself out a window. You could have talked to me...no wait, shit, I wasn't there. Sorry 'bout that, kid. But you can talk to me now.'

“I can't,” I tried to say, but it was nothing more than a shallow breath.

“You can't what?” Logan asked me and cupped my face with one hand, wiping away a tear that I didn't realize was rolling down my cheek.

“What's wrong with you, Rogue?”

I started sobbing once more and pressed my face into his chest, my shoulders shaking and my fingers clutching his shirt.

“I can't, I can't tell you...I can't do this...I'm sorry...”

He didn't ask anymore questions and I was glad. I wasn't ready to talk to him, and who knew if I'd ever be. I shouldn't even be here, strictly speaking...it was dangerous.

But Logan was strong enough, I kept telling myself to calm myself down. He would be able to defend himself if Magneto tried anything. He wouldn't get hurt...he was the only one I could be around without having to worry too much...he was strong enough...

The last thing I felt before I drifted off to sleep again was Logan's hand stroking my hair and my back, whispering soothing words into my ear.



I opened my eyes and found myself sitting on top of Logan, pinning him down with only my mind.

He was roaring in pain and trying to escape me but I didn't let him move.

One by one, I broke the bones in his body. Whoever said adamantium was indestructible obviously had no idea what Magneto could do. He had made me begin with the claws, bending them until Logan had started screaming and then slowly break them.

By now, we had made it all the way up his arms and to his ribs. I had to concentrate very hard to keep every bone I had broken from healing, but Magneto helped me do it.

I felt tears on my cheeks yet again and I noticed I was screaming as well, feeling the pain Logan was feeling because seeing him suffer was more than I could bear...especially if I was the reason for his suffering.

This was really the most cruel thing Magneto had done to me yet. Usually, he kept my mind paralyzed and I came back to consciousness only after he was finished with whatever his plans were.
But it seemed to give a particularly big amount of satisfaction to make me see what he was forcing me to do this time.

Logan and I were looking at each other and screaming out our pain together as we heard the cracking sounds his bones made.

I could tell from his face that he had no idea why I was doing this to him, no idea what was actually going on.
And I wanted to tell him how sorry I was, that I didn't want this, that I had no choice...and that it broke my heart to hurt the man I loved.

I woke up screaming against Logan's chest, into his shirt; kicking him with my feet and punching my fists against shoulders and into his stomach over and over again.

I was still screaming when he had sat up and pulled me up with him, shaking me to make me snap out of my hysteria.
Eventually, he simply covered my mouth with his hand and pressed my body against his chest again.

At some point I must have realized that there was no reason to be scared anymore. I caught my breath and shut my mouth, looking at Logan with big eyes.

He was fine. I hadn't hurt him. It was just a dream. He was okay.

It took a few seconds to sink in, but when it did, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
I wrapped my arms around him, holding on as tightly as I could, pressing my face against his shoulder.

“You're okay,” I whispered in the greatest relief I had ever felt. “You're okay.”

I should have known earlier. I did have Magneto in my head but I didn't have his powers anymore. Even if he wanted me to, I wasn't able to use them to hurt Logan. I had been so terrified by my nightmare that I had forgotten all about that.

Logan gave me a minute to calm down before he gently pulled out of my embrace to be able to look at me.

“Rogue,” he said solemnly. “Talk to me.”

“I had a nightmare,” I replied, carefully trying to avoid what I knew was coming.
I was going to tell him everything, because I'd never been good at keeping secrets from him. Everyone else was no problem to deal with, I could even be quite sneaky when I needed to be...but Logan always knew when I was hiding something.

“I...I was hurting you. Magneto was...he made me do it. He...does that sometimes.”

“Give you nightmares?”

“Yeah. And he makes me do stuff...oh God, Logan, I don't wanna tell you this.” I turned away, hiding my face. He remained silent until I felt ready to go on.

“I know what caused the fire in my room,” I said.

“How do you know?”

“I know because I did it. I set my room on fire and then I set myself on fire and then...I jumped.”

I saw the terror in his eyes and quickly carried on, before I could start crying yet again.

“I did it because of Magneto. He can make me do stuff even though I don't want to; he can make me hurt people. And I was too much of a danger to everybody around here...I didn't want anything bad to happen, you know? I didn't want to kill anyone, Logan...”

“So you were gonna kill yourself?” he asked and now he was the one with tears pooling in his eyes.

“Well, yeah...but it didn't work...they called you and you came back, and you - ...I'm so sorry...”

“Why didn't you talk to anyone? The Professor? Jeannie?...anyone?”

“I don't know...I guess I couldn't...I didn't want to tell anyone...”

“I'm glad you told me,” he said sincerely, taking my hand into his. “I promise I'll help you.”

“Can you, though?”
I appreciated his concern, I really did, I just couldn't believe there was much he could do.

Logan sighed and pulled me back into his arms, stroking my hair. “I don't know. But I'll try. I'll do anything. You know that.”

“I know,” I whispered.

I had seen it, I had felt it. Losing me was just about the worst thing that could happen to him. I didn't really understand it and it hadn't made sense to me before...I hadn't thought about any feelings he might have for me.

I had been too busy fighting with my own demons to think about what my inner Logan was getting at when he got pissed every time a boy at school talked to me. I hadn't paid much attention to any of the people who had talked to me, really. And I hadn't even dared to imagine he thought of me as anything but a little sister.

And my feelings for him...well, that was a whole different story. I used to think this was a schoolgirl crush on the hero of my dreams who had saved my life, yada yada...and nothing more. But it was actually far more than that.

“Logan, I...I think I...”

“I know,” he repeated my words and managed a small smile.

“You do?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I do. I never should have left you alone with all this...and I'm never gonna do that again, okay?”

“Okay,” I replied, not quite realizing what all of this was going to mean eventually. But for now, it meant Logan would stick around and I could definitely live with that.

“Listen...I...I feel like I fucked up. I mean, I promise to take care of you and then I leave and you go jumping out windows, I mean...”

“It's okay, it wasn't your fault,” I tried to calm him down but he was obviously still very worried. “I never thought of it that way.”

“Rogue...just tell me one thing...”

“Yeah?”

“Do you still want to die?” It came out as nothing more than a whisper and I felt his arms tighten around me.

I didn't know the answer to that question. I had never wanted to die, really. I had wanted Magneto to go away and leave me alone to live my life. But since that wasn't possible, I had taken the lesser of two evils; ending my life instead of eventually ending someone else's.
It wasn't a death wish, it was damage control. An extreme form of it, I had to admit, but that was still what it was.

Logan noticed my hesitation and I caught a glimpse of his emotions when his presence inside my head sent waves of fear and loss through me.

“No,” I finally said. “No, I don't wanna die, Logan. I never wanted to die, I just wanted this to end...”

“You can fight it,” he whispered into my hair, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. “I'll help you. I'll be there every time you wake up from a nightmare or sleepwalk or whatever it is he makes you do and I'll be there whenever you get scared or feel like you'll lose control...”

A distant yet strong feeling of warmth was beginning to spread over me, soothing my fear.
It took me a moment to realize what it was: Hope.