Another day. Another calling. Another affair.


But this one would be different. Walking towards the front doors to the new party of the day nervousness suddenly sets into my stomach and I doubt the act about to be performed. But, as soon as the feeling engulfs me, it leaves, and I’m left with a new determination to end this. To just go and get it over with. To let it overcome me, and let me live in peace. As my body makes its way through the grand doors I know there is no going back now. The decision had been made and it must be accepted.


My eyes scan all my surroundings and the beauty overwhelms me. The lights draped around the room glisten like lights at Christmas across the faces of the partygoers. Gazing I notice the colorful lively faces enjoying another attempt of socializing and networking. Marveling the delicious shimmering of champagne glasses traveling around the festivities on serving trays, I grab one as the server makes his way past me. Letting the glass reach my lips I allow the arctic liquid to run down my throat and calm my frazzled nerves.


Looking around time to time and sipping my drink, condensation makes its way down my hand to my wrist and under my watch. Eyes bore down to the clock and I know it is time. My legs carry me to the other side of the plush room heels clicking against the marble floor as my feet walk me to the nearest door to the outside. Leaving my liquid courage at the nearest table I approach a hand carved door leading to a concealed patio. Pale hands reach for the doorknob and I pause momentarily. Sensing something different in the room I now know he is here. The one who promised me a safe way out of this mess of a life. The one man who promised me that I would not need to feel pain. The one who can save me form this hell was now staring my way. I slowly turn the handle and make my way outside.


The air is a cold and welcoming release to the warm and overpopulated party going on inside. I stand looking to the stars and skyline wondering how the hell people can get to this point.


I hear him before I see him.


I shiver involuntarily not knowing if the cold weather is to blame.


My body stiffens momentarily as his voice carries across the patio.

“Care for a smoke?” his deep tenor voice asks me.


“Sure I’ll take one.” my hands stretch out to grab the cancer stick. Lifting it to my lips I pull out a lighter, flame bringing life to the cigarette, and take a puff. I look up and notice that he has watched me and I grow slightly uneasy.


“Are you as bored by that crowd as I am?” he smiles and I know he is trying to make light of the situation.


My eyes wonder far off. “I didn’t come here for the party.” I say smiling not out of amusement but out of knowing. Knowing this moment right here would evolve the existence of everything to me.


“Do you want the truth?”


His voice shakes me from my reverie. My eyes glaze over at his form. He seems gentle, kind wearing his neat black tuxedo. Yet, his eyes speak volumes to his intentions in life. He is a man who lives to the fullest. He thinks of the glass half full, not half empty. He’s the one who takes chances. He’s the one who doesn’t follow the rules. As my eyes wander to his lips I know that I want him to speak sweet nothings to me. Even just bittersweet lies would do. Anything to keep me from denying myself this out of fear or doubt. My head slowly nods to indicate he can continue.


“I came here for you. I’ve watched you for days. You’re everything a man could ever want.” he confesses and then pauses. I gawk at him and before I know it emotions I didn’t know I could feel fly through my body and the impending end weighs down on me. My body shakes and I move my hands to put out my cigarette just to keep busy. To try to not think about what he said. I fail miserably. I can feel his gaze boring into my face but I refuse to look him in the eyes. I will not be weak. I will not allow him to make me feel these kind of emotions.


“It’s not just your face… Your figure… or your voice. It’s your eyes, all the things I see in your eyes.” he declares.


My heart feels like it’s going to burst. I can feel it’s short but hard hammering against my chest and notice that it feels like a hummingbird has made nest alongside my lungs. I smile mentally in my head. Ironic, that was my favorite bird.


Overwhelmed with curiosity my gaze shifts to his eyes, needing to hear, to see the truth with my own ears and eyes. Even if there is a possibility of being labeled ‘weak’.


“What is it you see in my eyes?” my voice whispers.


His rough hands grab mine and place them on his chest right above his heart. My eyes move to them staring and relishing in his warm touch.


“I see a crazy calm. You’re sick of running. You’re ready to face what you have to face. You want to move on but you don’t want to face it on your own. You want someone to help you, to lead you through the storm.”


Staring up at him waves of sadness wash over me, and my eyes betray me as the burning begins. Then, those warm traitor tears make a trail down my cheeks to the ground beneath me.


No I don’t want to face it alone.” I say, as my eyes reveal everything else that won’t leave my lips.


“Let me help you Marie.”


He suddenly grabs my waist as feelings of shock, happiness, joy and every good feeling every created fill my being when I realize he said my name, my real name. His lips bring me out of my thoughts and up to euphoria as they wander to my collarbone slowly and painfully making butterfly kisses up my neck until he finally reaches my lips. He pauses a moment looking deeply into my eyes and I stop breathing. His gaze holds mine and all I can see is love and lust. His tongue traces my lips and I feel myself shudder, tingles flowing up and down my spine. His mouth engulfs mine and all I can feel is the fire rising in my lips spreading throughout me body to the tips of my toes, the tips of my fingers and to my heart. I feel him all around me, on me, in me, thickening the air I’m desperately trying to breathe in. I hold onto this, savoring the flicks of his tongue against mine, the feeling of his body pressed against me, his hands wrapped protectively around me.


He pulls away and I’m left cold and alone even though I’m still in his arms. Suddenly a great breath of air flows through me and I’m left momentarily paralyzed. Tears streak down my face and everything seems so far away. His voice whispers close to my ear.


He tells me everything will be alright. That he’ll save me from whatever I’m scared of and take me far far away.


He tells me he loves me.


I feel the bullet before I hear it’s silent whisper. Everything seems to be going in slow motion and I feel myself fall against his chest as the bullet imbeds itself in my body. I can feel the warm liquid gushing in my body and pouring out me. I inhale and every nerve in my body is supercharged. I smell my blood, sourly sweet, salty and metallic; the lingering scent of cigarettes against his jacket, the spice of his cologne, and suddenly my life flashes before my eyes.


My name is Marie. I was born in Mississippi where everything seemed to be carefree. My first real kiss with my first real boyfriend Remy who I eventually grew to love and marry. His first acts of betrayal as he joins the mob, but promises he will leave and quit, I believe him. The birth of my first child ends in a stillbirth. He had eyes just like his father, black as the night. The second child I birth is born and it’s a girl. She has my warm innocent eyes and I name her Rose. I remember the elegant parties, the many dinners and functions. Finding out that all the money we ever had came from Remy as the head of the mob. I leave him to protect my child but in a jealous rage he kills her, my baby with the chocolate eyes, and threatens to kill me next… He promises to torture me painfully until I beg to die, until I beg for forgiveness. Finding a man named Logan who could take care of me without all the pain, the excruciating pain. Writing my final words in the amount of one million dollars to the man named Logan. Kissing said man on a patio in the middle of the city as he carries out my wishes. The bullet flying through me that hurts but I welcome that kind of pain. The good kind that means I won’t have to suffer much longer.


I look into this strangers eyes and whisper no truer words to the one who rescued me from my prison and set me free.


“I love you too Logan.”


I smile, tears still falling from my eyes and the last image I see is Logan’s face until that white peaceful light fills my vision.



Then I’m finally alive.

__________________________________________________________



All Around Me - Flyleaf

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire runs in through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed