Is there a light
At the end of the road
I'm pushing everyone away
'Cause I can't feel this anymore
Can't feel this anymore

Have you ever been so lost
Known the way and still so lost
Another night waiting for someone to take me home
Have you ever been so lost


I pressed the Stop button on my CD player and sat down on the bed, staring out of the window, into the darkness that lay over the garden.

I had been counting on a new CD to cheer me up a little, but look where it got me.

It was pathetic, really, being so bad-tempered. I couldn't complain: I hadn't nearly killed anyone lately and hadn't been abducted by any bad guys – all right, all right; to sum up, my life at Xavier's school was awfully boring. Yep, I'd become one of the geeks.

And there was still the whole you-can-look-but-you-can't-touch thing that was bothering me.

Yes, I might be a tad more fashionable than before I got my power, now wearing fancy gloves all the time (if it's good enough for Audrey, it's good enough for me), but that was about it.

Kitty and Jubilee called my skin “drop-dead beautiful” and tried to make it all into a big joke, but they didn't really understand how I felt.

I couldn't blame them though.
Life is just so much funner if you can walk through walls; wouldn't want anyone to rain on that parade either.

It's my life
And I'm not sitting on the sidelines watching it
Pass me by
I'm leaving you my legacy
I gotta make my mark
I gotta run it hard
I want you to remember me
I'm leaving my fingerprints
I'm leaving my fingerprints

Don't give up
Don't give in
Build your house on the rock
Oh, not in the sand...

“Ya know, Jubes, I wish it was that easy.“

“It is, you just need to loosen up a little. So what if you can't touch anybody – doesn't mean you can't date.“

“Right,“ Kitty added eagerly, “at least you won't have some creep groping all over you, going third base on the first date.”

“Coz that is seriously gross,” Jubilee said, shuddering at the mental image of whatever her definition of “creep” was.

I collapsed onto my bed. This was exhausting.
You'd think it'd be easier to find a date, even with deadly skin. I mean, come on, those white bangs? Major turn-on if I might say so myself.
Even Logan liked them.

“You need a man,” Kitty summed up the no. 1 topic of the last few weeks.

“As do we,” Jubilee reminded her.

They exchanged a glance and then yelled, “Triple date!”, bursting into laughter.

“I have a man,” I muttered absentmindedly, not really thinking about what I was saying.

“Right, your super-exciting one-postcard-a-month relationship.”

“You need more than that, sweetie. Even if it's romantic and all...he's kind of like your father or something, which is so strange.”

“Urgh, shut up, Kit. You're making it sound weird. I never thought of Logan as my father. Ew.”

“Yes, ew,” Jubilee said. She'd never been a big fan of the whole claws-and-cigars deal.
Her loss, really.

“But you guys are right,” I said, propping myself up on my elbows. “I need some excitement. I can't just sit here and wait for him to return in like what, 4 years. I wanna have some fun.”

“That's the spirit, chica!” Kitty cheered.

I rolled my eyes and joined my friends in their laughter. I was gonna find a boy to date and if it was the last thing I did. Or he did; which was a little more likely considering my condition.
I'd just have to find someone who was into long sleeves in 90 degrees.
Or maybe someone with a glove fetish.
Even though that was just plain strange.

Keep knocking on wood
Hopin' there's
A real boy inside

But you're not a man
You're just a mannequin
I wish you could feel
That my love is real


When Kitty had said “You need a man”, she certainly didn't have goody-two-shoes Bobby Drake in mind. He wasn't exactly my idea of a man and nowhere near what I really wanted.

But somehow I had ended up convincing myself that he was really quite cute, in his own way. And with my beyond awesome superpowers of tricking my brain into feeling what I wanted it to, I had managed to make myself love him.

Bobby was really too good to be true, judging objectively.

He was sweet, caring, just so plain nice to me that it almost seemed fake – but he wasn't. He was for real and even though he wasn't the man I wanted, I could see myself with him forever.
Because he was easy to be with.
He never pushed me to do anything I didn't want...well yes, he did ask me to kiss him or touch him quite frequently, assuring me it would be okay, but I knew it wouldn't and he respected that.

Yes, I think it is safe to say that I loved Bobby. No head-over-heels kind of love, no butterflies, but a kind of warm, fuzzy, comforting feeling in my tummy that made me want to smile at him all the time and hold his hand.

I might now have been in love with him, but I did love him. Even if he did seem more like Ken-come-to-life than a real teenage boy sometimes.

The way
You look at me
Is kinda like
A little sister
Rubbed
By your goodbyes
And it leaves me
Nothing but blisters

So I don't want to be
One of the boys
One of the guys
Just give me a chance
To prove to you tonight
That I just wanna be
One of the girls
Pretty in pearls
Not one of the boys

Over the summer
Something changed
I started reading 17
And shaving my legs
And I studied
Lolita religously
And I walked
Right into school
And caught you
Staring at me


Everything changed when Logan came back.

As usually, I was spending my Friday night with Kitty, Jubilee and several boxes of Ben+Jerry's. Bobby had left my room at 10 pm like a good boy and granted me some quality time with the girls.

“So, whatcha gonna do now?” Kitty asked, chewing on a particularly chewy piece of cookie dough from inside the ice-cream box.

“Yeah, the grumpy wolf of your dreams is back and you're already dating Prince Charming. Tough choice,” Jubilee said, trying to tease a reaction out of me.

“Well, I don't know. I really like Logan, you know. And I think he's changed his view of me...he's been gone for a long time and I'm not a kid anymore.”

“Judging by the dirty thoughts you're probably having right about now – you're definitely not.”

“But,” I threw in to save myself, “I'm with Bobby. And that's just how it's gonna be now...you know?”

My friends nodded in agreement. I wasn't gonna be that girl. I wasn't gonna cheat on my cutie patootie boyfriend with someone much older, much hotter, much more interesting who had (hopefully) finally realized I wasn't a kid...
...no way, right?!

If you want me, a cherry on top,
The pick of the peck, The crème de la crop.
If you want me you better do better than that tonight.
Oh, Oh.

If you want me, it takes more than a wink,
And more than a drink and more than you think.
If you want me you're gonna have to break the bank, tonight.

If you want me, I'm not a piece of ass,
A one night stand, a storage she'd
I think you better walk by, tonight
Oh, no.


“Hey, kid.”

I nearly attacked Logan in my half-awake state of mind when he came stumbling into the kitchen.

“You scared me!”

“Can't sleep, huh?” Yeah, don't even apologize. Go right ahead and interrogate me.

“Uh, no...I mean, yes, but I was thirsty.”

He was standing just a little bit too close to me and I felt my body tense up and my brain turn into a mushy mass.
So that's how a box of Ben+Jerry's feels while it's slowly melting, standing on my bedside table, waiting to be munched on.
Interesting thought.
But not helping right now.

“Tell me about that,” he muttered, rummaging through various cupboards with sloppy movements.

“Are you drunk?” I asked, not reproachfully but rather...excitedly.

“Not drunk enough, that's for sure.”

He had finally come across a bottle of whiskey that he had hidden in the very back of some closet to keep it from letting us students have some fun.

Logan didn't bother with a glass but drank a few sips right out of the bottle.

“You smell like him, you know. That's kind of gross,” he said casually.

“Excuse me?”

“I like how you smelled before. None of that freezy shit, just you.”
His hands grazed my waist through my shirt in a sloppy movement and I took a step back.

This wasn't happening. Logan wasn't just trying to flirt with me, was he? I mean, in a strange way, that was a compliment, right?

“I bet the little boy doesn't even have the guts to kiss you, does he?”

Is there a camera hidden somewhere? Coz it wouldn't surprise me if there was. I tried my best to form coherent speech.

“I...he...we can't. You know that. My skin.”

I didn't like Logan drunk. He was telling me all the things I wanted to hear in all the wrong words, at the wrong time. This wasn't good.

“Wouldn't keep me away for long.”

I gasped.

No, no, no.

Why didn't you say that before you left? Why now? Why now when I can't do this?

When our eyes met, I felt like he could look straight into the mushy mess that had once been my brain and I had to look away.
I knew I was about to do something very stupid and I had to get away.

“This isn't happening, Logan.”

I slammed my hand down on the counter, wincing. Great idea. Deadly skin meets marble. I wonder who's gonna win that one.

Before I could get any more ideas, I quickly ran off and went back to bed.

Needless to say I didn't get much sleep that night.

You're my experimental game
Just human nature,
It's not what,
Good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey


Eventually, things found their way and happened the way I had always known / hoped / feared they would.

For some reason I woke up around the same time every night now, quietly sneaking downstairs – to grab a glass of water, of course.

Coincidentally, Logan happened to be there every night as well.

He had apologized for the things he'd said that first night. Had told me he hated the way he had treated me, without any respect.
But he had just gotten so possessive all of sudden.
And by the way, he thought Bobby was a dick. Not in the same way Scott was a dick, he proceeded to explain; Bobby was the even more boring and sickly-sweet version of it.
Pussy was, in fact, the most accurate term he managed to come up with.

The more we talked about Bobby, the more I realized how far he really was from what I wanted. Because what I wanted was Logan and had never been anything or anyone else.

So yeah, he was the bad guy, he was the one who'd run away, unable to commit to anything or anyone, but I wanted him so badly that it made me ache inside.


“You feel this too, don't you?” he asked me one night when the sexual tension between us was particularly painful.

I didn't reply, I simply took one step towards him and looked at him longingly.

He didn't need a bigger hint than that, took my face into his hands, and kissed me like I'd never been kissed before.

Regardless of my skin, regardless of his energy slowly being sucked out and his body starting to shake uncontrollably, he kept on moving his lips against mine and pushing his tongue into my mouth until he was about to collapse.

And I didn't fight it.

I knew I didn't need to worry about him; he could take it.

And I knew I didn't need to worry about Bobby, because Bobby was at home for the last half of summer.

The guilt would kick in at some point. This would surely backfire. I would probably burn in hell for breaking the heart of the sweetest guy on earth....but not right now.

Right now I was experiencing the most amazing moment of my life.

I know you know my boyfriend is out of town
so have a drink, let's talk it over
So many things I shouldn't be sayin' now
You know I like my boys a little bit older
I just wanna use your love
tonight, tonight, tonight. tonight, tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight


We really shouldn't be doing this, I was about to say when I stopped myself. No use in ruining the moment. I had just crossed a line and it was too late to back out now.

Might as well enjoy it, my little inner devil (that I didn't know existed until now) whispered and I leaned in for another kiss.

Logan had taken about five seconds to recover from his almost-coma and was more than ready to go again. He kissed me hard and crushed my upper body, only supported by my jelly legs, against his.

It was rough and it was oh so good. Who knew I'd be into that.

I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe; I didn't even dare to attempt either because it might break the magic.

Oh and I couldn't have moved even if I'd wanted or been mentally able to, because Logan basically had me caged in his arms, his hands occasionally finding their way under my shirt and touching every inch of skin he could find.
Logan suddenly groaned in a mix of pain pleasure and had to let go of me and hold on to the kitchen counter behind him to keep himself steady.

But that didn't keep him from forcing my lips against his again and again, using his tongue to make me feel like I wanted to pass out as well.

“I missed you so much,” he said when he was eventually unable to do much else but breathe and speak.

“Me too,” I whispered, pressing my face into his t-shirt and enjoying the feeling of his hands shakily ruffling my hair.

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night


“Is something wrong?” Bobby asked, his baby face clouded with worry.

I hesitated.
Well...I kind of made out with my much older, unreliable, bad boy-ish best friend last night and it totally blew my mind. You seem kind of boring in comparison.

“I'm fine,” I said instead.

Bobby deserved the truth and I was going to work up enough courage to tell him what had happened. But right now...looking into his eyes, feeling his hand shyly squeeze mine through the glove and seeing how genuinely worried he was for me, I just couldn't say it.

If only I was with Logan right now. He'd be using his hands much more imaginatively...

I was so lost in thought that I didn't even notice Bobby's face creeping closer and closer to mine. He was just about to lay a soft kiss on my lips when I finally realized what was happening and forcefully pushed him away from me.

“Bobby!”

Oh shit. Like the idiot I was, I hadn't only pushed him away, I had somehow managed to throw him right off the bed.

While I bent down to see if he was all right, a thought flashed through my head.
I wouldn't have pushed Logan away. And he wouldn't have let me either.
I shuddered in want.

“Are you okay?” I finally asked, turning my attention back to the situation at hand, watching Bobby sitting on the floor, rubbing his head.

“I'm fine,” he repeated my words.
I hoped they weren't just as untrue as they had been from my mouth.

I'm so mean cause I cannot get you outta your head
I'm so angry cause you'd rather MySpace instead
I can't believe I fell in love with someone that wears more makeup than…

You're so gay and you don't even like boys
No you don't even like
No you don't even like
No you don't even like boys
You're so gay and you don't even like boys


“You guys, I need to dump Bobby.”

“What?” Kitty and Jubes gasped in unison. Like they hadn't seen that one coming.

I hadn't even told them about my little encounter with Logan, secretly fearing their judgment, but we all knew that things with Bobby hadn't been all happy happy joy joy lately.

“I always knew he wasn't the man I really wanted, but...it never bothered me that much until now. He's just...I don't know...such a pussy.”

“Just because things are rocky between you guys, doesn't mean you have to throw it all away, you know,” Kitty said.

“It's not that things are rocky, Kit. I love him, I do, but not the way I love - ”
I cut myself off.
Stupid much?
“...not the way you're supposed to love a boyfriend. He's more like that cute cousin you always had sort of a crush on when you were like 12; you know what I mean?”

“So, we're back at square one: you need a man?” Jubilee asked doubtfully.

“Basically, yes. And I should really find myself a man this time and not...a boy.”

Kitty sighed in exhaustion. “You're weird, girly. But if it's what you really want...”

“Yeah. Yeah, I finally know what I want. And it's not Bobby....”

Don't be a baby
Remember what you told me
Shut up and put your money where your mouth is
That's what you get for waking up in Vegas
Get up and shake the glitter off your clothes, now
That's what you get for waking up in Vegas

You got me into this
Information overload, situation lost control
Send out an S.O.S.
And get some cash out
We're gonna tear up the town



“What the hell is this, Logan?!” I yelled at him, about to slam down my fist on something again, but wise enough to be keeping my distance from furniture this time. I shot him a deadly glare instead.

“What do you mean, what the hell is this? What did you think it would be?”

“I thought it would be us handling it like the two adults we are. And not you backing out.”

“You don't get it, do ya?” His angry glare was much more effective than mine.
Damn.

“Look,” Logan said, trying to reason with me. “So we're attracted to each. And we had some fun. But I made a mistake, okay? I shouldn't have let my desire get the better of me.”

Was he fucking kidding? He should let his desire get the better of him all the time. We should be doing way more exciting things than talking right now.

“You started this shit, you're gonna bring it to an end, sugar!”

“I am bringing it to an end right now, before things get worse than they already are,” he replied, twisting my words.

“I'm sorry, I just don't get it. You're right. I don't.”

A week ago he'd been groping me up in the middle of the night, not caring whether he might go into a passion-induced coma or not and now he was practically rejecting me to my face? What was wrong with the world?

“You don't get it, Marie?”
My real name sent shivers down my spine.
“You don't get that I don't want you to end up with some fuck-up like me? You don't get that I don't want to use you?”

“What - ” I was speechless. So he was giving me that.

It's not you, it's me. You deserve better. You're special.

Right.
So it really hadn't been about me at all; I was just one more random girl he had wanted, taken and left.
Special my ass.

Either he had never wanted me the way I wanted him – ouch.

Or he was an even bigger pussy than Bobby, unable to stand up for what he was feeling - ouch again.

“Either way, you're an ass, Logan. We could have been amazing together. But you're just throwing it all away.”

I left him standing in the hall, fighting the desire to give him one last look.
This was easily the most humiliating moment of my life.

So as I write this letter
And shed my last tear
No, it's all for the better
That we end this year
Let's close this chapter
Say one last prayer
But don't say
That you loved me


Maybe breaking up with Bobby because of Logan hadn't been the smartest decision of my life.

Serious understatement. I had left someone who loved me for someone who had used me.

Brilliant idea; simply excellent.

Deep down I knew it was for the better that we weren't together anymore because I couldn't have given him what he needed (as in: being loved back) and he couldn't have given me what I needed (as in: uhm...Logan?).

But yes, I missed Bobby. I missed his smile, his face, his friendship. And I regretted having broken up with him because now I was left entirely alone.

To sum up: Broken heart. Mixed emotions. Pain. Considering joining a convent.

I hadn't even spoken to a male creature other than the professor in a week. That was already pretty damn close to being a nun, wasn't it?

And they wore black and white – matched my hair and gloves perfectly.

But who was I kidding...even 5 hours of praying every day wouldn't manage to get those thoughts about Logan out of my head.

And yes, we're talking NC-17-rated thoughts.

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah, you PMS like a bitch
I would know

And you always think
Always speak cryptically
I should know
That you're no good for me

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up


Not being with Logan proved to be even harder than trying to be with him.

For once because not being with him didn't exactly exclude spontaneous make-out sessions in the middle of the night.
Not that I minded, but it just made things harder than they should be.

He didn't want a relationship because he insisted that he'd only end up hurting me and was no good for me in general.
But we both knew we couldn't be without each other; especially now that it was really clear that Bobby and I were over for good.



“Marie.”

I was woken up by a voice whispering into my ear. I felt a pair of large hands grab my waist and hot breath on my neck.

Logan had gotten into bed and was now in the process of making my morning a good one. His hands trailed down my sides and then caressed my thighs through the sweatpants I was wearing.

“Please,” I moaned, urging him on to go further.

He flipped me around and caught me in a mind-numbing kiss, pausing only to let me catch my breath and himself regenerate enough to be able to go on pleasuring me.

In moments like that, all the crap he had given me about making a mistake and letting his desire take over was gone.

That was the good part of our relationship.

Too bad there was also that other part, where he claimed it wasn't actually a relationship and didn't allow me to talk about my feelings or tell anyone else about us.

Or tried to break it off because he was “no good for me”.

That part kind of sucked, to be honest.

With each scar there’s a map that tells a story
What a souvenir of
Young love's like jumping out
An airplane riding a tidal wave on an ocean of emotion
My heart rips me wide open

I can’t stop
Don’t care if I lose
Baby you are the weapon I choose
These wounds are self inflicted
I’m going down in flames for you
Baby you are the weapon I choose
These wounds are self inflicted
One more thing I’m addicted too


“Hey Logan?”

He turned around and gave me a somewhat disapproving look.

Yes, I used my sex-voice and yes, we were in public (public being the hall right at the beginning of lunch break; so it was basically packed with people).

But it was all part of a plan, my plan to finally turn this thing we had into a something and stop him from chickening out on me out of some dumb reflex to protect my heart. He owned it and it wasn't like he could do anything about that.

“Hm?”

I took a step towards him, stood up on my toes and planted a sweet kiss on his lips.

There was a half second of kissing me back and the hint of a smile before he pushed me away so violently I almost fell to the ground.

That half second let me know that I had already won.

“Are you out of your mind?” he growled at me.

I simply gave him my most innocent smile and checked our surroundings from the corner of my eyes. Yep, everyone was staring at us. Perfect.

“I wanna be with you, Logan,” I whispered so lowly that only he could hear it.
“I don't care if you end up hurting me. I almost put you in a come every freaking day, so I think I can take some heartache in return. It's my choice and I can take more than you think. Now, I know you want this and you can finally stop protecting me, because I want this too; have wanted it all along and I'm old enough to know. It's not like we can stay away from each other for long anyway, so I don't see why you're so afraid of being with me.”

All he could do was gawk at me and I was once again satisfied.

One expectant look from me and an eyebrow-raise from him later, he finally had the guts to lean in and kiss me back.

“Happy now?” he grumbled, glaring at the people around us in suspicion.

“Actually, yes. And so are you.”

He rolled his eyes and gave me a dark look, but I knew I was right.

Some people just needed to be shown their road to happiness and then kicked in the butt multiple times to keep on walking after that first step.

“One condition, kid.”

“Yes?”

“Stop blasting bubblegum pop.”