I really have to stop doing this. I really should, but it’s not as easy as it sounds. I’m an addict, there see, I admitted it and that they say is half the battle isn’t it? But admitting it is the easy part if you ask me, I don’t have a problem with that, but giving it up -
well there in lie’s the real problem.


Giving it up sounds easy, probably is easy, if in fact you actually want to, and the truth of the matter is I don’t want to, not that I can’t you understand, it’s really just that I don’t want to.


It’s been going on for two years now. I started off the way most people do I suppose, just a little at a time, but it didn’t take long before I needed more and more and I couldn’t stop the escalation. I’ve learnt to be extremely careful, not to get caught, or at least try not to get caught, that way If I do ever get busted at least it looks like it was a one off. And it’s surprising how many excuses you can come up with just in case.


Sad isn’t it? Sweet little Marie who wouldn’t hurt a fly, abides by the rules, excellent student, attentive, helpful. That’s what they all think you know, and that first part is a pretty stupid fucked up judgement really, wouldn’t hurt a fly, no I’d kill it, suck the life right out of it. The second part, well, it’s a good cover. You see I’m not quite as soft and cuddly as they seem to make out, and my addiction, well it doesn’t really help with the soft and cuddly side, it makes me want other things, darker, things.


So I’m kind of two people really, the one they perceive me to be and the real one. And the real one has been reduced to hiding in the shadows for quite a while, and you know what? I love it.


If you’ve never had an addiction you wouldn’t understand but they never end, there’s no respite, no break in between hits, it’s always there, lurking, waiting for the next fix. It starts the minute I wake up and half the time it doesn’t even go away when I’m asleep. I get a thrill every time, it makes me feel, makes me happy, gives me confidence, makes me strong. Why would I want to give that up?


I wonder what they’d think if they knew, not that I care, it surprises me that they don’t, know that is. I mean how easy would it be? Two of them can read my mind, ok they can’t read it well due to the fact that I’m not exactly alone up there but still, you’d think they’d have some kind of clue as to what is going on. As for everyone else, really and truly you wouldn’t have to be that observant to realize but I guess they’ve put me securely in my little box and are content to let me stay there. They imagine me surrounded with roses when I really just want the thorns - Clueless the lot of them.


I can’t believe I’ve fooled them all for so long, and that in itself is like a sick and twisted thrill all on it’s own but I know one day the shit will hit the proverbial fan and it will all come out, and in a funny sort of way I’m looking forward to it. Oh, they’ll try and tell me how stupid I am, give me ‘the talk’, how I’m ruining my life blah blah blah, they’ll try and fix me, detox me, put me back in my box and lock the lid but just to see the look on their faces, the disappointment, the utter disbelief , wouldn’t that be something?


I’m content the way things are, maybe one day they’ll be ready to understand but until then, I’ll carry on hiding, I’ll stay in the shadows, feed my addiction and watch, get a hit as high as Everest every time he catches me and smiles, knowing he’s thinking everything I am, wanting everything I do and knowing we’ll get *our* fix later when we’re alone.


And until I can get my fix I’ll take every hit I can get, giving it up? No way in hell, I mean look at him, the man is pure sex on legs I could watch him all day long, and I do, just carefully so no-one else sees.

The end.