Title: Post Tenebras Lux (After darkness [I pray for] Light)

Rating: PG13

Category: dark/drama/shipper

Summary: Rogue and Logan have been captured.

Disclaimer ** Wolverine and Rogue and all the x men belong to Stan Lee, Marvel Entertainment, and 20th Century Fox.
I own nothing – I just borrow them but I always give them back! **
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Chapter 1
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Luctor et emergo ( I struggle but I’ll survive)

“Fuckers, god damn mother fuckin’ assholes”

I can’t help but smile as he say’s it, I heard it loud and clear, his words may have been slightly slurred and his voice a hell of a lot quieter than I’m used to but its comforting to know that he can still deliver a sentence with such venom. Sounds strange but it lets me know that he’s still here, still with me, that underneath all of the pain, the strength and power that makes him who he is, is still there, waiting for a chance to come forward and I need that right now, I know I shouldn’t worry about myself and I don’t, not really, I worry about him, but I don’t want to be left on my own here. It’s hard to admit that you need someone, well I admit it.

I rush over to his side; try to help him as best as I can as he begins to collapse and I just hold him as he begins to fade. I know he’s in so much pain, no matter how much he tries to hide it, the agony is written across his features, he is such a strong man, a proud man and it’s heartbreaking that I not only see the pain but shame and humiliation too. The drugs they keep pumping through his system deceive his body and make him heal too slowly and keep the agony alive and kicking for much longer, but even too slowly means that eventually the evidence of all his pain will be nowhere to be seen, except in his eyes. I can always see, even if no one else can, he could never hide from me.

“Shush Logan, I’ve got you, sleep now, I’m here, I’ll take care of you.”

The words when I think about it are complete and utter rubbish, I mean how exactly am I going to take care of him? I think I say them as much for my own comfort as for his, I’m just so fuckin’ sick of this, I’m sick of having to watch him suffer and of not being able to do a damn single thing about it. It shatters me every time they bring him back and I don’t know how much more my heart can take. I know deep down that it will have to take more, whether I want it to or not, whether I feel I can take it or not, and I will take it because I have to. I can’t leave him on his own. I don’t want to.

So here I am again, sitting on this freezing cold, concrete floor. And as he succumbs to some much needed sleep ever so gently I lay his head in my lap. I can see his breathing slow as sleep overtakes his tortured body and the tears I’ve been holding back start to fall in abundance, my soul crying along with me.

I watch him, watch over him, wish that his pain will somehow ease and I pray for an ending to this nightmare we’re being forced to live.
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TBC – Feedback loved and appreciated!

Chapter 2
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Aegri somnia – (A sick man’s dreams)

I can hear her, my senses are fucked but still there on some level and I can hear her whispering. I know she’s near, I can feel her too but her voice seems a million miles away. My mind is full of pain and confusion but her words wrap themselves around me, protecting me, they lull me with offers of oblivion. I’ll take any chance I can to forget if only for a while. Yet I know somewhere deep within me that it’s nothing but an illusion, that my mind is playing tricks on me giving me a false sense of security, I know the truth, there is no oblivion, no escape from the pain, no chance to forget because even my dreams allow me no end. It’s the same each fuckin’ time; over and over I feel each and every blow. I stand back and watch from the sidelines as my flesh is once again pulled apart, cut broken and torn. In my dreams I still feel as I watch, and I watch as they laugh. I watch others taking pleasure from my pain, it seems that some things in my life are always constant.

There are thoughts in my dreams too, ones I try hard not to forget and I hold on tightly to them, I will heal eventually, they will pay eventually, I will find a chance to be free, it will end eventually.

There are other thoughts though, ones I cannot escape from, not that I try, there are some things in life too hard to hide from and the truth is one of them. I think about my failure, and its such complete failure, I was caught again, something I’d sworn on a daily basis would never happen but worse than that, this time I’m not alone. This time I’ve dragged her down too. My one and only promise to another in this world: protect her at all costs, and I fuckin’ meant it, all costs, didn’t matter what, I promised to fuckin’ protect her.

Well I failed big time on that one, she’s dying from the inside out, dying because I’m a failure, dying because I couldn’t keep my word.

Could anyone recover enough from this to even exist on a minimal level? I don’t know if she could ever heal from this, from what they do to her, she won’t ever answer me when I ask, won’t ever tell me, keeps it all to herself but I know enough, too much, my senses may be fucked but they’re never quite dead enough. My dreams go into overdrive and replace what I know was today’s reality with their own version of hers, even my dreams know I fucked up and my head allows my imagination free range, forcing me to watch her pain instead of my own, my need to punish myself doesn’t stop me from willing my mind to stop, I’m always ignored, it has too many scenarios to choose from. My mind no matter what, always capable of creating the most horrific pictures to accompany each bruise and each scent.

I scream but I’m never heard.

Chapter 3
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Damnant quod non intellegunt – (They condemn what they do not understand)

Jesus we must have been here 5 weeks, It seems a lot longer but I think it’s about 5 weeks. I tried so hard in the beginning to keep track of the time, It gets so hard though. There’s no light in this god forsaken place it’s always so dark. I have to try and distinguish between the different shades of black and grey so I could be wrong but I think it’s about 5 weeks.

There must be a reason why were still here, why they haven’t found us yet, I think it’s the drugs, I think it’s stops the professor being able to read us, maybe they’re not bothered about finding us, maybe it’s fate or god’s will, maybe we’re being punished, maybe I’m being punished, then again maybe it’s all some fucked up dream. I want to wake up now.

Times like these are the worst, I can handle my own pain, I can deal with it, or not as the case usually is lately, I just keep passing out more and more, retreating into my own mind trying to block it all out and that’s fine with me, sometimes I can escape it all but Logan’s pain is a different story, he doesn’t have the luxury I do, when it all gets too much for him his body and his mind keep coming back for more, no matter how many drugs they give him, healing is a blessing and a curse, most would probably laugh if they heard me say that, how can healing ever be a curse, they might try and appreciate that being as close to immortal as you can get might have its disadvantages as well as advantages but only in the respect of outliving every friend or lover etc. but I don’t think anyone else would consider it a curse well they’re not here and they don’t hear and see just how much of one it can be.

Time always seems to go so friggin’ slow when I watch him sleep, the endless seconds drag on and on, I remind myself that it’s been hours not days. Watching his pain is the hardest of all things. He’s suffered so much in his life, far too much for any one man and I wish I could take it from him, take it for him, let it be over for him.

I watch him as he begins to shiver in his sleep, it’s so damn cold and not a thing I can do. We have no bed, no mattress, no blankets. There’s just two blood soaked bodies, both twisted and broken. I do what I can which isn’t much and far from enough but I lay my body down by his side and wrap myself around him as best I can. I will what little heat I have his way. “I love you.” My voice is quiet even though I hope he hears me, the words are wrong somehow, it never feels enough, it’s not strong enough to convey what I’m really feeling but it’s all that language allows me so it will have to suffice for now.

I hope he understands.

Chapter 4
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Fortitudine Vincimus (By endurance we conquer)

Fuck it, I’m alone again. Bastards learnt real quick that the easiest way to get her out was when I’m unconscious. Each time I wake I damn myself to hell, I let them take her again. This traitorous body of mine despite all the fuckin’ drugs still heals but it’s never in time. All I can do now is wait. And I aint very good at that on the best of days. This is one of their fuckin’ sick and twisted games, they let us be together only to rip us apart. I hate to admit it but their fuckin’ game works well.

There’s no fucking purpose to us being here, I’ve been trying to work out the answers to why we’re imprisoned, trying to work out their final goal, but there aint one, its purely for entertainment and enjoyment on their part, they just want to revel in the pain, our pain.

This cell is small, cold and damp and it now comes with added extras, like an overpowering smell of blood and suffering. Even when the drugs are fresh in my system its still there. The floor is covered in blood, some dry some not, hers and mine. Even in the varying degrees of darkness my sight never gives me reprieve, I can still see it, and each day without fail I know more gets added to it, like a river that runs into the sea it has a never ending supply. The rags we have to wear aren’t fairing much better, they’re stained and torn, a testament to the pain endured. A clear reminder of what was and an even clearer reminder that while we’re here, more of the same is coming.

I always do my best to avoid the dart, never works though, there’s nowhere to go and my reactions are always still dulled from the last one. There’s never quite enough time in-between hits. They maybe sick bastards but they’re clever sick bastards, they know just how much and how often, planned with precision so I’m not a threat. They’ve neutered the beast and rendered it powerless. I’m never quick enough, I’ve failed yet again. I roar in frustration as I grab the needle and tear it from my flesh, I know the drugs work too fast but I always try, I try to kill the fuckers as they throw her back in. My mind is willing but my body betrays me. I can feel the inevitable beginning, I feel weaker and weaker and my legs give out, unable to support my weight. I watch the door slide open as I fall to my knees and I can do nothing as her frail body is thrown to the floor. I listen to her cry as her soft limp flesh impacts with the unforgiving hardness of concrete and I am torn for a second between my love for her and my rage for them. They know as well as I do that she will always come first. One day though, one day the tables will turn and I’ll be the one laughing.

I crawl across the floor and although I try not to hurt her more I pull her to me. I have to know and I begin to check all her wounds. The beast and the man are one at this moment raging at the sight, the beast in me screaming, the man in me crying.

She always tells me she’s fine. It’s said as if on auto pilot, she tries to lie to make me feel better, it never does but I’m beginning to understand why. I do the same to her. We try to protect each other even though we fail miserably.

“I’m Fine”

“Like hell” My anger overpowers me but it’s not aimed at her, she know I think that it’s cause I hate this fuckin’ whole thing, that we’re here, that I’m here, and more than anything that she’s here .“I’m sorry, it’s just……….so hard to see……….”

“I know……….” And I think she does. I can see it in her when I come back, how much it hurts her to see me in pain.

“Just hold me.” So I do, just like she does with me.

It’s always there, its feint but its there, I can smell at least 3 of them this time. “They’ll pay darlin’ I promise they’ll pay, each and every fuckin’ one of ‘em.” She clings to me tightly as I say the words, her eyes begin to fade, the battle she’s had at trying to keep them open finally being lost, she looks like she has so little fight left.

God she was never supposed to get hurt, she wasn’t fully trained, not expected to take the risks. She was supposed to be safe surrounded by those who could protect her, surrounded by me.

Total fucked up failure, that’s me.

Since the day I met her, I’ve been different. She’s kept me alive, given me a purpose. She knew, she had to, it had to be the reason why she had impeccable timing, she always made me feel something, when all I felt was dead inside. Her smile, her laughter, her touch, all given when I most needed them. My lifestyle I realize now was an escape. An escape from the truth I’ve never admitted to. I was lost, lonely and scared, big bad meanest mother fucker on the planet and I was scared, scared to live. She gave me a reason, gave me hope.

I can live without anything; I’ve proven it to myself on a daily basis. I had a life, not that I remember it, but I must have had one, it was ripped away from me, stolen without my permission and I was left alone. Dead. A shell. Empty. It’s all fucked up now though ‘cause I can’t go back to that. Don’t want to go back to that.

I don’t believe in god or some higher power though I think it would be easier if I did, maybe I’d be able to believe that there was a reason however flawed for all that happens. Maybe I could believe that there would be an end to the pain that I had a future to look forward to, a life I could actually live. Trouble is I’ve see too fuckin’ much in this world, been through so fuckin’ much.

This would be the last straw – I couldn’t live with the loss, not hers.

I rock her gently, holding her as tight and as close as I dare. I never want to let go, never want to stop and I can’t even now when she’s asleep.

I hold her, love her and pray to a god I don’t believe in and I damn myself for my inability to save her.

Chapter 5
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Ad lucem – (Towards the light)

I can smell it even though I can’t yet see it; sometimes I am grateful for the darkness. They’ve burnt him again, I’ve seen it before but it’s something you could never get used to. His body is completely raw and the burnt skin still radiates such heat. I can just about make out his face as it contorts in agony as his body fights to heal. I want to hold him but I know I’ll have to wait.

Unlike some I’ve never deluded myself into seeing him as invincible, it makes me sick that so many associate the fact that he heals as meaning he feels no pain, maybe at least some would alter their view if they could see him now. I can tell he’s getting weaker by the day but it’s his mind that’s weakening quicker than his body even though his body is healing for two.

I know when he does it, even if I’m not always completely ‘with it’ when he does. He keeps hold of me, never letting go, waiting for the small window of opportunity when my skin comes to life enough to take from him, when it lets him give me enough to survive. I’m weak even with his help and he gets angry and frustrated when that window just doesn’t open. I on the other hand am grateful when it doesn’t. I learnt to control my skin about a year ago and if the drugs wear off enough and I’m awake enough I can stop him sometimes. I just wish I could stop it all the time. My heads so messed up though, half the time I can’t tell whether it’s on or off even when I feel like I should be able to. I thought the drugs just made us weak and suppressed our mutations somehow, and they do but when I begin to feel the drugs wear off its not automatic what situation I’m in, whether my skin is safe or not. It seems to wake up with a mind of its own and I wish it would clue me in.

He is struggling enough with his own body let alone helping mine. We’ve talked, shouted and I’ve even screamed at him to stop, he just said flat out that he couldn’t. We had the same conversation over and over until one day it just stopped. He knows that I don’t want to hurt him but I had to accept that he was going to keep on doing it no matter what. He had to, there was no choice, he loved me. And I knew that, his thoughts were always full of love when I’d wake up with fading bruises and a stronger Logan in my head but he said it out loud that day as if it explained everything, and I suddenly realized that it did because I love him too and I would do exactly the same if I could. God I wish I could. He doesn’t realize I don’t think, that it’s me who stops it sometimes, he has to do what he has to do and I have to do what I have to do. I guess love works both ways.

It’s not the healing or the over use of it that’s killing him quickest though, I can feel his self loathing and guilt at his perceived failure and its eating away at him.

“So sorry”

“Nothing for you to ever be sorry for Logan”

“Should have protected you from this..........should have been stronger..........better..........should have..........”

“Stop. Please just fuckin’ stop this. I love you *you know that* but just for reference I do, with everything in me *I love you*. You didn’t ask me to go, you never do, you stay away from me trying to do what you seem to think is the right thing. You think by staying away you’re giving me a life, what you think will be a better life, one that doesn’t include you. But a life without you means no happiness, no love. A lifetime of nothing.
I followed you, it’s my fault we’re here, do you hear me? My fault. If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t have been caught, you wouldn’t have been tortured, you wouldn’t be in pain and you wouldn’t have to watch the same happen to me and I know that’s what kills you more than anything because it’s the same for me – seeing you hurt is far worse than anything they could ever do to me. All this time I’m watching you die, not because of them but because you blame yourself. I need it to stop Logan and I need it to stop now. We’re here and there’s nothing either of us can do to change it. All we can do is survive, and I need you to make it through this, I need to know that you’ll be ok, If it’s selfish of me I don’t care, I need to know that you’ll survive.
I would rather be here *with* you than anywhere else *without* you. Do you understand that? ”

His body even now hours later is still trying desperately to recover but we got a lot of things ironed out today. Top of the facts learned and accepted are that it isn’t just love, it runs so much deeper for both of us, we have a need for each other, one that neither of us want to or would be able to sever, along with that love and need comes a gut wrenching fear of loosing it and a monumental fear of not wanting to live without it. We also decided that ‘life’s too short’, well Logan of all people came up with that one, said he heard it somewhere once but never took much notice of what it meant. He gets it now and doesn’t want to waste a minute more of being alive but not living. I couldn’t have agreed more. It seems that knowing your life could expire in the near future, or more to the point the life of the one you love, is a real eye opener.

Of all the places to have an epiphany we had ours in a dark cold cell. I really don’t care, I’m just glad we did.

Chapter 6
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Dies Irea – (Judgement day)

My mind is the clearest it’s been since we were brought to this hell hole so I know I’m awake and not dreaming, but Marie is asleep beside me. She’s covered in blood, her hair’s all tangled and her body is really frail, yet she is the most beautiful sight in the world.

They haven’t taken her, or maybe they did it while I was out and I was still out when they brought her back. It doesn’t look or smell like she’s been taken though but I can’t wake her up, maybe that’s why they’ve left her. Her heartbeats real slow: can’t remember exactly when was the last time I was able to heal her but it must be three maybe four days. My one relief in this god forsaken place and her fuckin’ skin is now denying me it.

I’m not completely healed but there’s no round of fresh drugs in my system and I feel more awake, my senses are much more alive. Either I hadn’t been healing fast enough and they wanted me ready quicker for the next round or they’ve forgotten to dose me. The second of those options doesn’t seem too realistic so I’d have to bet on the first, so they’ll be here for me soon. Well more fool them cause this time I’m ready for them, I gotta chance and I’m not gonna miss it, I have to save her.

“I love you darlin’, you just gotta hold on a bit longer”

I can hear the guards approaching, so I hold real still, acting, waiting. I’m about as ready as I can be. Before I get my chance, I can feel the floor beneath me begin to shake and our cell for the first time is briefly free of its darkness, illuminated by flashes of light.

(( Logan, if you can hear me, the team is on their way, I apologise for the delay; however you will be safe soon my friend.))

(( ‘bout fuckin’ time chuck, thanks for the warning, although it’s a bit after the fact seein’ as how all hell’s just broke loose, I can hear explosions going off all over the place and I’ve just seen one of the guards go flying past our cell with a big hole in him followed by one hell of a bright beam of red light. ))

“SCOTT, GET THE FUCK IN HERE!”

“Thank god, we’ve been looking everywhere; the professor finally got a weak reading from you a few hours ago”

“Cyke get her out; get her safe, she needs help, she wont wake up and her skins off so I can’t heal her”

“What about you?”

“I’ll be there, but I’ve got a promise to keep first” I fire my claws in readiness for the bloodbath about to occur. I watch as Scott gently picks up Marie and I catch his subtle nod of understanding as he leaves to take her out.

My time has come.

Chapter 7
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Omnia vincit amour (Love conquers all)

Still her skin won’t live, so I have to wait. I hold her hand and breathe in all I can. I love everything about her, this little slip of girl – no woman, she holds my heart, who’d have thought that me of all people could have my soul saved by anyone, let alone her.

I am meticulously watching her as each breath is taken and retaken. An endless replay of what seems like the same segment of time, never moving forward but as every new breath is made, it gives me hope that at least it isn’t stopping.

Minuets turn to hours and hours into days, still the time is on replay, the only change when Beast appears, doing whatever he has to do, whispering reassurances that all will be well, she is just weak and needs to rest, he checks her for signs of improvement or change – I could save him the time –nothing has changed for her.

Yet for me everything had changed.

It is 2oclock in the morning 3 days after our hell ended only to be replaced by a new version and I woke with a start, my neck cracking from the awkward angle of sleeping in a chair with my head bent over her bed. The sound that made me jump into consciousness was the ever so slight change in her breathing, I watch mesmerized by the rise and fall of her chest - slightly faster, slightly deeper, watch as hell at last begins to close and those beautiful eyes of hers begin to open. Giving me a reprieve from my darkness I watch as the light flows from her to me. I smile as I feel the drain begin but frown as it stops and I can see confusion set across her face as she blinks herself awake.

“We’re home, we’re safe, *you’re safe.* I kept my promise darlin’, they’ll never hurt you again.”

Rising out of the chair I lean over the bed, I want to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming “Hey” my voice is too quiet, I’m struggling “You’ve been out for three days, you scared the hell out of me, turn it back on darlin’.”

She reaches out and grabs my hand “not too much, I don’t want to hurt you.” her voice sounds sore and dry, cracking with strain of speaking the words. But I’ll fix that right up for her. I can’t take my eyes off her for fear she’ll disappear and I am determined to watch her as she gains her strength even as I begin to loose mine. I shake it off as I feel the pull recede, I would give her everything I have but this time, just this once I’m grateful that she didn’t need enough to drain me completely, I need to be with her.

“Did you see? I kept my promise.”

“You always do Logan and yes, I saw………….I’m glad they’re dead, they deserved it, all of it………..thank you.”

It may not be what most would want to see but I had a feeling she’d need to. I hope it helps her somehow. Killin’ ‘em made me feel a damn site better, I hope seein’ it does the same for her.

I gently sit on the edge of the bed my hand still in hers and I watch as my other hand reaches up to gently stroke the side of her face. Time is now moving, no longer on replay but it seems as though in slow motion as I watch my own hands gentle slow movements on her face. My voice cracks as I attempt to say something, my eyes are wet as I finally met hers “I thought I’d lost you” I finally manage to say, and I just lean forward to rest my forehead against hers.

Letting go of my hand she brings her arms around my back, one resting in the middle of my shoulders, the other moving up to cradle the back of my head, “you could never loose me Logan, I was never the one who was lost.”

“I can’t do this without you.”

“I’m not going anywhere, never was.”

“What happens now?”

“We love and we live.”
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The end.
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Feedback loved and appreciated!