I wonder if anyone even knows this practice room’s still here…I come down here when I need to practice alone—And think. Yeah. This is this song I always put on while I practice. I need the driving beat—Brings out the animal in me…’Course, doesn’t take much…I almost laughed at the irony when I remembered the band’s name—"Nine Inch Nails." As it was, I smirked, setting up the five bamboo stalks in a row as targets.

You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you…

Aw, Christ—Now I’m thinking of her…Just what I don’t need! Doesn’t my memory know I came down here to get away from her!? My mind goes back to the time I…She fell into my arms like a ragdoll…So tiny…Another flash of memory, like a twisted slideshow, and we’re back on topp’a that goddamn statue, and I can see myself cup my hands around her face…Her scream doesn’t want to end…

You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you…

Back to that horrible night—I cry out for help, and it, for so many long moments, doesn’t seem like I’m heard…She—The last thing I could remember for days was looking, just looking, into her face and knowing I’d saved her. That alone should’ve been enough. She knew me from then on—From the inside, out…And, in truth, it hurts, ‘cause I don’t really know if she likes what she saw…She’s—Well, she’s me now, and it’s just…I’m so afraid I screwed up her life worse than it already was, and dammit, it hurts!

Help me I broke apart my insides
Help me I've got no soul to tell
Help me the only thing that works for me,
Help me get away from myself

That day…On the train, when all she wanted to do was run…I know this is how she felt…Hell, it’s how I felt, most of the time. When all I wanted to do was run…I shake my head to clear it of the memories that just don’t want to go away and lash out with a snarl, claws extending without conscious thought even as I made the move to strike, taking out three targets in one great forehand sweep, the fourth with a backhand, and the final with a strike coming out of a flip. I smile a little. That last one was for her benefit, ‘cause I’d heard her sneak up to the door, and I knew she was watching me. I watched her sway as she got caught up in the rhythm of the song. I’m not sure she knew what it was. Suddenly, a flash of recognition in her eyes…Does she know?—Know what I’m thinking?

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal…

Oh, yeah, that caught her attention…A shiver went visibly through her body. Y’ didn’t hafta be Jeannie or the Prof to know what was going through her head just then! I could tell she was wondering if…I’d hoped that wasn’t the impression she got from me, but you never know…At any rate, I just sort of gave her this look that said, "You know that’s not how I’d want it to be…"

And all I got was a sweet, knowing smile in return. She kept watching.

My whole existence is flawed…
You get me closer to God…
You can have my isolation,
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith,
You can have my everything

She’d heard those words, I could tell—Those verses that spoke of her, and me, of us, maybe someday—Of how we both felt about this whole mess. I think, that day I looked at her on the train, I took some of her the way she’d taken some of me. Her essence was mine that day, and for every day after. She knew it, and I knew it, too. I took that isolation from her, like the song said—She gave it to me, and I claimed at as my own, just so she wouldn’t have to deal with this alone. I took all of her persecution onto me—I was her personal martyr, I think, you know? And I think in some way, she took my loneliness, too…So neither one of us would have to go through this alone…She knew I didn’t know who I was—She knew how everything was just so wrong sometimes and how I wished things didn’t have to be the way they were…

I turned abruptly. Sentimentality? Not my style! At my back was an old, ratty punching bag—Clearly it had seen better days. I did a quick 360 and the bottom half of the bag fell to the floor with a thump, rags and innards spilling out along the slice marks.

Help me tear down my reason,
Help me—it’s your sex I can smell
Help me you make me perfect,
Help me become somebody else

I know as I look into her eyes just what it is she won’t say. She’s in love with me, that much is perfectly clear. I just think she’s a little afraid to show it, that’s all. I saw her shiver again, and knew what was going through her mind. I smiled at her again—Yeah, that’s how I wanted it to be…

Another sweet, honest smile in return.