Who writes fairytales anyway, send them to me and I’ll use them for target practice.

Once upon a time, that’s how they hook you to start and we all bloody fall for it.
Girl meets boy
Boy saves girl
Girl falls madly in love
Boy leaves but comes back for girl
They fall into each others arms
And live happily ever after.

Bullshit.

Why oh why can’t my life be like the fucking fairytales.

Boy came back but only to get different girl, ends up having to kill her and now he’s off somewhere mourning not only her but I think a part of himself as well, I lost the boy without ever having had him and that is bad enough but I know if I ever lost the boy through death that I would loose such a big part of myself too, I just hope he didn’t love her as much as I love him or I don’t think they’ll be much of him coming back at all.

So here I am still stuck on the girl falls madly in love with boy part trying to ignore all that happened after but it doesn’t seem to be working so I’m reduced to self therapy and writing it all down. I wish I knew how it came about that my life was to be such a mess but then I don’t really have to think about it too much to know the answer. I found out I was a mutant and that about sums it up – everything kind of went down hill after that.
Well that’s not entirely true because as much as my life sucks and certain parts of said sucky life would have been easier if I’d never met him, I can’t actually get myself to think that way. Knowing Logan has been the best thing that’s ever happened or ever likely to happen to me, its just loving Logan that makes my life suck, well again that’s not true, Loving Logan is natural, he is so deeply embedded in my heart and soul that it tops the knowing Logan into first place on the best things that are ever going to happen to me list, Its just Logan not loving me back that makes life suck, or is it Logan loving someone else that makes it worse? I’m not sure.
And now it’s worse, I mean how exactly can I compare to someone who’s dead, she’ll never say or do the wrong thing, she’ll always stay beautiful, his dreams will always be perfect, why would he ever need to come back to reality? And would I ever be his reality? Well that one is easy.. no would be the short and sweet answer to that one. I’m the kid, his obligation as Jean once put it and then added one of my favourite of her little lectures, ”he made a promise to you rogue one which I believe he feels he must keep for some reason but don’t delude yourself in to thinking that it could ever be anything more than that. It is natural for a young girl who went through what you did to feel an attachment to her hero, just be careful as men especially men like Logan, find this kind of thing embarrassing to say the least”. For a telepath how did she not have a fucking clue how I felt about him, why did she always have to belittle it into nothing?, a crush, an attachment, I should have given her a fucking attachment - my fist with her face.

What I will never understand is Logan can read anyone, the truth, a lie and anything in-between. I sit here and have to wonder why it was that he could never read her but it wasn’t just him, everyone just saw perfection, Scott had the perfect wife who would never dream of flirting with another man, the professor had the perfect student a daughter figure who would welcome everyone to the mansion with open arms, Logan saw the perfect woman, but I never saw it at all.

I didn’t get welcomed with open arms I just got lectured on being careful, making sure I didn’t hurt anyone,
”You could have killed him rogue”
“It would be best if you just stayed away from him rogue” as if I’d hurt anyone on purpose, least of all Logan.
”You know why he left don’t you rogue” no I don’t Jean but I have a feeling that for the rest of my life your going tell me.
“You know he came back for me don’t you rogue” yes thank you Jean why the fuck do you have to keep rubbing it in?
Rogue this and Rogue that, lectured on how to act and what to say and lectured on every fucking thing else.
You shouldn’t speak ill of the dead so they say, well I’ve gone past caring and I couldn’t give a shit, she hated me from the moment I came here and I don’t have a fucking clue why but she sure made it easy to hate her back.
Maybe I was just jealous and acting like a little kid but to me she was just a great little actress out to fool everyone and the really sad thing to me was she succeeded. Why did I never get to see the perfect side of her that everyone else got to see? maybe it was just me, maybe it was just jealousy on my part or in my fairytale maybe it was hers, jealous of the “little kid” that got a promise to be looked after, a promise that even she could not break how ever much she tried. He saved me and promised me, something she can never have and I love him; something she never did and although it’s all one sided it’s something, at least to me.


I suppose none if it matters anymore, The professor and Scott are dead killed by Jean the woman they each loved, daughter, wife, and Jean is dead, killed by Logan the only man that had the strength to end it - but at what cost to himself? I guess I’ll never really know. What I do know is no-one else would even bother to ask the question.

And then there’s me, Rogue, Kid, Marie, hell if I know, I missed it all, went off to get the cure so I could finally be touched, loved who knows and yet my life still sucked. I should have known no fairytale was coming, Storm started lecturing me on how I was betraying who I am or was hadn’t quite figured that out at the time. Bobby lectured me on the dangers I took without his approval! Not quite sure when I needed his permission to live my life the way I wanted to, I must have lost the memo on that one, but then he stopped shouting, shut up and kissed me, and he smiled and i…….
I felt nothing, zero, zilch not a damm thing. That’s when it hit me even more.... no-one is or ever will be Logan. That’s some attachment Jean, got a feeling they call it love but I’m just a little girl who doesn’t know jack shit so maybe I’m wrong. Anyway bobby didn’t seem too bothered seeing as I caught him that same night showing kitty a few new uses for the pool table in the rec room. And yet the day didn’t suck quite as much as it should have, it had been a long time since I laughed but I just couldn’t help myself. Kitty trying desperately to cover herself up, Bobby stammering to try and excuse what he was doing, I just laughed some more - see I’d really known it all along - I couldn’t care less. I love Logan and that’s just the way it is, I couldn’t stop it in the first place and I can’t stop now, and I’ll live with it because I don’t want to not love him.

Another day that didn’t suck quite as much as it should have was 3 weeks ago when out of the blue I’m untouchable again, not that there was any touching when I was touchable if you know what I mean so it really wasn’t as different as it could have been. Knowing that the only one you want to touch is never gonna touch you the way you want them too, sort of makes the being touchable/untouchable part irrelevant.

So I was/am back to being whatever I was before and although storm just smiled one of her serene smiles which really was code for “this is what you are, what you should be” no one really said anything about it either way.

I keep sitting here, writing, staring out the window, wondering about all sorts, just plain thinking.
This is what I have learned - I’m in Love, He doesn’t love me, I’m still a mutant and my life sucks or it doesn’t, it depends how you look at it I suppose I’m alive when I could be dead, I guess that’s a good thing.

This is the first and last time I will write in this or any other diary, they say it is therapeutic; I’ll reserve judgment until a later date, I think I just need to vent. I will leave it here where you can all have a laugh at my expense when you read it. I don’t know where I’m going or how long I’ll be gone or even if I’ll ever come back but if Logan comes back, cut him some slack, there’s a lot more to him than any of you ever give him credit for, no-one else knows him quite like I do. By saving me he unintentionally gave all of himself to me, I hold him and his whole life in my head what he has done and what has been done to him, It is not why i love him, that was already in motion before he was in my head but it does help me understand him.

When I started writing this I was angry, at my life or lack of and I wanted my fairytale just like everyone else, but the more I think and the more I write I discover that maybe it has been therapeutic after all because I’ve realised that I’m just being selfish. My life could have been so much worse, I spent along time on the road when I first ran away, i grew up fast and learned that hitchhiking is not the safest thing to do in life, I’m not going to elaborate, its private, you’ll just have to use your imagination but lets just say that I met a man in Laughlin City that has saved my life more times than even he knows, and it is him (Logan) who truly deserves everything he could ever want… love, happiness, and most of all peace and I hope that one day he finds it all, I will stop asking for my fairytale and just pray that he gets his.

Most of you here do not see Logan, just a great fighter, an animal, someone who will go to the front line to save you because he heals and you don’t, but not one of you ever realised that although he heals he still feels the pain...

and sometimes healing is the most painful of all.

I don’t give a shit what you think of me but he is the most honourable man i will ever know

I wish you could see what I see.

Tell him I am sorry if I was ever an obligation
Tell him I am sorry if I was ever an embarrassment – although even if I was I will never be sorry that I love him
Tell him I always will
Tell him I am Marie x