Diary - Lessons learned by Joanne
Summary: Marie finds out about the other side of the personality she has in her head.
Categories: X1, X2, AU Characters: None
Genres: Adult, General
Tags: None
Warnings: None
Challenges:
Series: Letters and diary pages
Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes Word count: 1656 Read: 2197 Published: 10/04/2007 Updated: 10/04/2007

1. Diary - Lessons Learned by Joanne

Diary - Lessons Learned by Joanne
Author's Notes:
Marie finds out about the other side of the personality she has in her head.
The plastic against her head wasn't the best thing in the world to rest against but at the moment it was the best she was going to get.

Dressed in scrubs her fingers tapping a tattoo against the leather of her journal the soft gel pencil they'd given her to write with gripped in her hand. Bathed in the glow of the red light from the infrared camera above her. She understood why she was in here, what had happened to her but it had shocked her to realise it. All she'd asked for from her room was her journal, Jean had floated it to her from a deistance and she understood. Now more than ever, catching her reflection in the plastic that was the wall of her prison. Her hair was all over the place, the white streak in it dotted with brown. It had been red earlier but she knew the blood had oxidised, turning brown and flaking from her.

Clearing her mind, trying to calm the anger that was raging just under the surface of her skin, on her finger nail was a shred of ribbon, it's bright blue reminding her of how she ended up in here. Taking the soft pencil in hand she put it to the empty page as the light above her never wavered or moved, the camera below it recording everything she did.

************************************

Mess, well mess is one way of telling how I am right now, it was supposed to be a day of fun, a Easter Bonnet parade but no I turned it into a scene from 'Carrie'.

I can't blame Logan for this one, no one can and I won't let them either. It was all *me* and thats the worst thing, I used what Wolverine has, what he gave me. But I'm getting ahead of myself, if anything this journal will record the *truth* no matter how bad it makes me look. I don't care what others think of me at least here I can be honest and free to say what I like.

It started with the whole idea, I just mentioned the old parade days we used to have at Meridian, Easter, Founders Day, Midsummer.... Kitty then opened her mouth and said what a great idea it would be if everyone built an easter bonnet and we had a small contest at the end. Storm and Jean were enthusiastic too, and it went ahead, thing was I should have known better than to even try to compete with the resident 'goddesses'.

I worked hard on mine, doing a thing I'd seen from my younger days, a perfect design of form and grace on a wide brimmed bonnet. A piece of home if you like, white an lacy, reminding me of the times my Momma used to wear hers to church. Fresh flowers not plastic, so the scent would fill the room and waft behind me as I wore it. Thing was I never got to wear it, someone killed it even before I got to show it and that's when Wolverine just showed me how to get even.

It was the gold glitter that threw me off at first, my mind was filled with hate and I don't use the word easily but I did *HATE* the person who'd killed my flowers. It was so easy to let the feeling flow through me, the ease of it sliding over my mind. Crushing all sense beneath it's heel as I went across the dining hall and just smashed my fist into the table, screaming at Kitty for destroying my flowers. You see I'd seen her with the gold glitter last, but it wasn't her that had done it. She just phased out as I went through her litrally, seeing red and not understanding why I wasn't actually hitting anything when the smell of fear hit my nose and I just locked onto the source.....Bobby. It had been Bobby.

Roaring I just launched myself at him, anger, hate and rage pouring through me, every moment of frustration came out of me. Using what Wolverine *was* to make him suffer, punching him, kicking, biting I know I broke his hand I remember pulling it backward and seeing his eyes go wide as I pulled the fingers back. The way they widened as the tendons tore before the bone snapped,I don't know where I got the strength from but I loved to see the look of fear in his face. Screaming at him to leave my things alone,to not touch what was *mine*, spitting at him to 'stay away, keep his fuckin' boys hands off my body'.

Thats when I froze, I wanted to kill him, to taste his blood on my tongue. As he backed off when he saw I was immobile I growled at him, a real deep growl, looking back at it it kind of reminded me of the tiger cage at the zoo. You know the moment of fear you feel when they roar at you, the sound as it passes through your body, freezing you for a second. An the way I was feeling a second was *more* than enough time to do what I wanted to him.

Next thing I knew The Professor was there, wheeling into the room while everyone was shouting that I'd just attacked Bobby and gone crazy. Jean was with him and she was holding a syringe, when I saw it I almost shit myself. Did something Momma had trained me out of nearly sixteen years before, I was so afraid of her of what she could do to me. It was only The Professors voice in my head that kept me occupied as she injected me that kept me from screaming.

When I woke up I was in the 'observation' part of the medlab, she'd taken blood, tested everything she could test. Told me my hormone levels were higher than usual, testosterone mainly, but she'd have to take more blood later to make sure the levels were dropping. So they've left me in here, in a plastic room with a soft mattress, dressed in scrubs, while they try to find a medical answer to why I've gone off the handle.

Thing is I *know* why I went off on one, Wolverine. Bobby destroyed my flowers, he took something from me that meant a lot to me and I *wanted* to hurt the person that did it. Me, Marie. *I* did, not Wolverine or Logan....ME.

Truth is I've changed, I'm not the same person I was before Liberty, I'm not the weak child everyone thinks I am. I'm *Rogue* or I'm changing into her, I used Wolverine's rage, his anger, his hatred for my *own* purpose. And I think The Professor knows it as well, it was in the way he looked at me as he glided toward me, he was looking into my head, he saw *me* using the things I'd taken from Logan. And I know he thinks I'm dangerous.
Shit I *know* I'm dangerous, my skin is enough of a danger but now I know how to use the gifts Logan left me to cause pain to those who don't respect me or give me space.

I have been getting more snappy even when I haven't been under the menstrual yoke of hormones, I've a theory but I'll have to ask Jean about it and I really don't want to reveal more about myself to her. My hatred of her is really getting hard to quash, it's as if we're competing for something or should I say 'someone'. I know Logan is attracted to her, hell he *wants* her, even I did for a while. But now it's as if even the sight of her makes my blood boil, an if I'm honest about it I think I know why.

She could take Logan away from me, make him forget I ever existed, give him things I never could, things he'd only accept from her. Jesus even writing this is making my hand shake! I'm fighting for someone who isn't even here! If they find out....it'll be the funny farm I'm sure or a few visits to The Professors office for 'counselling'.
'Mind control' if you ask Wolverine or Logan and neither of them wants that.

It's spring, I'm horny, dreaming about sex I've never had with women and men I've never seen. I just want this to be over so I can get out of here! Why can't people leave me *ALONE*! Why do they all feel the need to 'fix' me? There's nothing wrong with me, I'm just different, I thought this place was a place for people who are 'different'. But it's not okay if you don't fit into their view of 'different'.

FUCK!
BASTARD, SHITTING MOTHERFUCKING LYING ARSEHOLE CUNTING TONGUE-TWISTING BASTARD!!
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!

LEAVE ME *ALONE*!

************************************

Marie woke to the plastic room, her journal laid open in her lap, the words on there making no sense to her but a darkness in her mind, lurking behind her eyes told her something had happened to her. But she couldn't remember it, it was a mystery to her, a blank slate and the presence in her mind knew all about those. So when Jean came over toward her with another test to take from her she closed the journal quickly. Hiding her thoughts from the woman who could see into the plastic prison she was in.
Smiling against her nerves as she pushed her arm through the hole that facilitated tests to be run, the prowling presence in her mind told her to read what she'd written down when she was back in her room. Pushing the journal under her body to hide it Marie let herself be tested.

Something had happened to her, something important and she'd be finding out what it was soon enough.
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