Once upon a time there was a beautiful young lady named Marie. She had long, flowing mahogany hair with two platinum streaks at the front. She had been kept prisoner in a metal tower by her evil uncle, Magneto, ever since she was a child. Magneto had heard a prophecy that claimed that Marie would unite the kingdom and bring joy and peace throughout the land when she married, and being a peevish, grumpy old man, he kept her locked away. Many brave suitors had tried to free the beautiful Marie. Bobby the Young had tried to build an ice-staircase up the side of the tower, but he slid on the ice and fell all the way down. Remy the Handsome and Scott Fearless Leader had both attempted to blow the tower to pieces, but their kinetic blasts had simply bounced back off Magneto’s force-field and hit them.

Logan the Incredible wished desperately to marry the fair Marie, but he had seen the other suitors’ failed attempts. He resolved to go and see the mighty Xavier, wise man of the western world. He traveled long and far, seeking the prophet and eventually found him sitting in a hollow in a large round rock.

“This is Cerebro,” Xavier the Mighty informed Logan the Incredible.

“Um…that’s good,” replied Logan the Incredible, slightly unsure of what he meant. “Oh Mighty One, I come before you today and beg for your help!” Logan fell on his knees before the round rock, pressing his face to the ground.

“Oh, you want to marry the fair Marie.” Mighty Xavier smiled at Logan.

“How did you know?” gasped Logan.

“I am psychic, you know.” Mighty Xavier looked benignly at Logan. “If you would like, I could tell you how to get to her.”

“Oh Mighty One, it is my heart’s desire! For so long I have roamed the world in search of my past, but now Fair Marie is all that I desire.”

“My desire is of a land of peace. And a really nice hot tub, but I doubt you could help there. However, if you succeed in winning the Beautiful Marie, you will bring about an era of peace, a millennia in length. Therefore, I will tell you how to win her hand.”

“Please sir, may I have the rest too?” Logan asked him earnestly. The Mighty One just frowned at Logan’s interruption.

“You must use these magic gloves I will give you, to climb up the side of the tower. Unbeknown to you, that belt-buckle you wear has been bestowed with great magical powers. It will protect you from the paralyzing charm Evil Magneto will try to use on you. Then…” Mighty Xavier bent close to Logan’s ear and whispered his plan.

Logan the Incredible sneaked up to the tower and put the gloves on. Suddenly, claws shot out of the knuckles of the gloves.

“Wow!” the Incredible One cried. Just then, he was assailed by a wild and hairy beast.

“I am Sabretooth,” he growled. “I will eat you!”

“Not I!” cried Incredible Logan, nimbly leaping forward, slashing at the beast with his claws. Sabretooth the Big and Stupid Oaf squealed in terror and ran away. Incredible Logan could not resist kicking the beast’s ass as he ran. He turned to face the tower and thrust the claws into the wall and tested the strength of them. They held! He slowly crawled up the side of the tower, using the amazing gloves. As he fell in the window, the Fair Marie looked up from where she was sat sewing and smiled in delight.

“Logan the Incredible!” She gazed upon him as he blinked, dazed by the brightness of her smile. Just then, the Evil Magneto leapt from the corner.

“Ha ha! You cannot have her, Animal Man!” he cackled. Logan looked hurt and gently patted his hair, which swept up into two points. “Actually it was the muttonchops that made me say it,” Evil Magneto told Logan in a side whisper.

“Ah.” Logan nodded his thanks, then cleared his throat. “I’ve come for the Fair Marie!” He threw his cloak aside and made a dashing pose.

“I thought we’d covered that bit of the conversation,” Evil Magneto said, looking confused.

“Oh yes.” Logan nodded, then coughed again. “I shall save her from your filthy clutches, O Evil One!”

“Oh no you won’t.”

“Yes I will.”

“Well I won’t let you.”

“Well you can’t stop me.”

“Boys!” The Fair Marie interrupted. “Aren’t ya getting a little off the point? If ya don’t hurry up it will soon be dark and Ah need mah beauty sleep.”

“Of course. Take this!” Evil Magneto threw the paralyzing charm at Incredible Logan, but it bounced off Logan’s belt-buckle and rebounded, freezing Magneto where he stood. Fair Marie quickly ran to him with a pail of water, which Logan threw over Magneto, causing him to rapidly rust to the metal floor of his tower. The Beautiful Marie ran towards Logan and threw her arms about his neck.

“Mah hero!” she sighed. They kissed passionately until Evil Magneto uttered a muffled shriek of horror. His eyes were stuck pointing at them.

“Let us leave, Fair Marie. I would ask your hand in marriage and take you as my wife to rule this land for a millennia in peace and prosperity!” He clasped her hand to his breast, gazing deep into her eyes.

“Ah will be your wife, O Incredible Logan, and we will rule this land.” They kissed again, then made their way down the stairs and out to Logan’s noble black steed and galloped off into the sunset.

They were married a week later. Scott Fearless Leader gave the Fair Marie away, and Mighty Xavier married them. The whole kingdom was present to witness the beginning of the new era of peace and prosperity. And hot tubs.

The End