Nothing To Fear

It’s strange to live your life as one veritable mess of contradictions, but that’s how they lived, the both of them for so long. Because you see it takes a lifetime, for some of us it takes even longer, not one lifetime but many to see it’s nothing to fear, that to live with a grace, with a hope isn’t always such a bad thing.

Logan had been through many lifetimes, many false hopes, many shattered lives to arrive at this point, to get here at last, with a girl who though afraid as he, was ready and able to put aside all her fears to hold onto his hand, to steady him in his faith, to be the strength he so often needed.

It was a gloved hand that fitted perfectly into his; it was a covered hand, lithe and strong fingers that wrapped graceful and tender around his head and his heart. It was her fingers that squeezed tight when theirs was a love looked upon with disapproval; it was her touch that reminded him that this was real, even through all their subjectivity, through all their derision and disappointment, this and she was real. Here, here is a faith that steadies a heart, and reminds that life is real, painfully so at times, but real all the same.

Real and worth living, and though we get lost in knowing just to what to say, and how to express these feelings in ways that would make sense, though love for so long has seemed a game of politics beyond us, beyond our understanding, we know this much, this was never meant to be easy.

And he would break, into so many pieces he had broken and would break all over again, when the ghosts became too much, when the horrors, those that had been inflicted upon him, and those he had so readily afflicted upon others, when those horrors became too much, she was there.

Lying in his bed, standing by his side, kneeling beside his fears, and it would surprise and awaken him just a little more each time. She would be that lifeline, that single thread of light hanging, suspended against the black, reaching out; to bring him back to reconnect him to a life, to a sanity he thought he’d left far behind.

Reaching deep inside him, tugging at his hair, pulling him back into a reality though far from perfect, consists of a truth. Yes it was easier when he was on the wide open road, easier when he was all alone.

But he wasn’t whole, not really, because, and here came the dose of truth that hit him square in the face, they’d become something else, not separate, not distinguishable anymore, he couldn’t be without her, couldn’t be himself, couldn’t be what set him apart, couldn’t be unafraid, anymore than she could without him.

Her quiet, steady grace blanketed him with warmth, a security he had never known, awakened in him a faith he had long vowed to abandon, and sought to disavow. And it was her arms, her strong arms covered in the material that had almost become a part of her now, which wrapped around his shoulders and protected and loved.

They would come back from their missions, giving so much of themselves away every time but she would be there, to hold him when the events of the days, of this day, and days that never seemed to end, when the misery overwhelmed him, when the thirst for blood refused to be sated, she would make a sacrifice beyond the understanding of any of those they shared the Academy with.

She would remove those gloves slowly, she would pin him against the wall, she would press her bare fingers against his face and she would swallow him whole, take in all of him willingly, press her lips against his and whisper as the darkness overwhelmed them both, it was ok, that he could give in to her, that she would let everything make sense again, that he needn’t be sorry, ‘because we all get lost at times.’

And her sense of peace was a tune he could not hum, her melody of rest was a song he did not know the words to, but it was a heavenly sound, and he would gladly surrender to it all.

Until she felt all as he did, until she made him understand, ‘I can’t be me without you.’

It was a mess of contradictions, they were a mess of contradictions, here they were, the strongest man, an Alpha male in every sense of the word, a beast in so many ways, soothed and revived by a girl whose every touch with bare skin was poison.

And here she was, a girl, having so many lives locked up inside her head, but still willing to absorb a soul tortured beyond the endurance of any other. Here she was, a girl, who ought to have known nothing of the sense of touch, but had been awakened to the sensation by a man whose every reality was a brutal truth.

She had broken through, past the barriers of poisonous skin and a bruised heart, she had pushed her way past the restrictions of material and loss of faith, past disappointed hopes and dreams lost, to arrive at this, the sure knowledge that one could not exist without the other, that she could not be without him.

‘I can’t be me without you…’

Arriving at a truth that this was real, and a reality that wasn’t such a bad thing, a reality arrived at through broken lifetimes, misery and dejection, to arrive at long last to this. There is nothing to fear, nothing to disapprove of, nothing to despise, to live life with a grace, with a hope; it isn’t such a bad thing.

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YOU- Vega4

You have the faith that kills the fear
of being real.
Yeah, this is real and now for the first time,
I'm finally alive.
You take my fist inside your hand,
you squeeze,
I understand, that I get lost in the
politics of love.

You still surprise me every day,
You blanket me with grace,
You clear the static and you get me
reconnected

You put your fingers in my hair,
You broke into my head,
You sacrificed so you could feel like I do.

You know that it's easier alone.
You know that it's easier alone but
I can't be me without you

You see the day swallow me whole,
You see me bang my head off walls,
You put your face on mine and say,
“let it be”.

You said that everyone gets lost,
You pressed your mouth against my lips,
You sing a song but there's no strategy
In your melody of love.

You know that it's easier alone.
You know that it's easier alone but
I can't be me without you.

You have the faith that kills the fear
of being real.
Yeah, this is real and now for the
first time, I've arrived.

You know that it's easier alone.
You know that it's easier alone but
I can't be me without you.